Disease?

I spent a good part of the afternoon yesterday with a really good friend of mine who has been sober through AA for many years. She's been wondering what I believe about the "disease concept" and I've been giving it quite a lot of thought. Here is one of the definitions listed for disease at dictionary.com: (A pathological condition of a part, organ, or system of an organism resulting from various causes, such as infection, genetic defect, or environmental stress, and characterized by an identifiable group of signs or symptoms.) By that definition, I have no problem describing alcoholism as a disease, but what I really think is that it doesn't matter whether you believe it's a disease or not. The only thing that matters is that if you have the problem, like me, that you find a way to think of it that will encourage your return to health.

From much and extensive personal experience, here are some things I have come to believe about my alcoholism:

It is not a matter of willpower. Any periods of abstinence I enjoy are soley a component of grace being active in my life. When grace is active, it is not a struggle to remain sober.

The condition does not come about by any lack of moral strength; however, it will affect changes in moral actions due to the complete lack of inhibition brought on by the substance. When sobriety returns, morality returns, with a vengence.

My alcoholism is accompanied by a life-long problem with depression and anxiety, which seem to descend on me in cycles. These problems happened before alcoholism and I think drinking is an ineffective way that I attempt to self-medicate. It sometimes helps temporarily, but in the long run makes things much, much worse.

I don't believe in a "garden variety drunk". Some people, like me, seem pretty much alcoholic from the get-go, others seem to develop alcoholism over a period of time or in extreme stress and some people are able to return to moderate drinking without crossing that invisible line.

These are some of the things I believe about my alcoholism. I could never presume to tell you what to believe about yours or anyone else's, but I am interested. What do you believe? What is helpful to you? If you had a problem and you're now sober, how did you do it?

By the way, I'm feeling much better today and still plan to go through with seeing someone as soon as possible. I'll let you know how it goes.

The Holidaze

It's been a rough week for me. The cowboy went to California to see his family and my friend and employer, Roberta, is in Portugal so I've been alone at work, alone at home and right now my head is a bad neighborhood to be alone in. I don't know when the tears will come and when they come I don't know when they'll stop. I made some phone calls yesterday and wrote a couple of friends this morning. My one goal for today is to make contact with someone I can talk to - physical, face to face contact. Next week I hope to see someone (as in a professional) about depression, which has always gone hand in hand with alcoholism in my life. Right now, I'm not really sober and not really drinking and neither action seems to make much difference.

My ability to be in denial until I'm almost unable to function is amazing even to me. Maybe that's part of the problem, though, is that somehow I do keep functioning. I get up, get dressed, go to work, smile, say I'm fine and believe it. Ever heard the term highly functioning alcoholic? That's me. Only I ain't functioning so well right now. I saw a movie recently where the main character had disassociative (sp?) disorder. That's how I feel. I'm unable to connect with anything right now in any meaningful way. I'm just going through the motions. It's not much fun. To say the least.

Mundane Matters

It's another day and another opportunity. Yesterday was orange juice and honey, green tea and pasta, cooking meatballs, fretting about the things still left to be done and a good night's sleep. Can't beat it for sheer nurturance. The meatballs are for writer's group tonight which I'm looking forward to - after getting my hair cut and colored. It doesn't get any better than this and I really didn't plan it that way.

How do you like that picture of the brooms? I just love it for some reason.

SLIP

After 35 days sober, I had a slip. I feel a little discouraged, but not devastated. If I can make it through the next couple of days without drinking again I think I can regain my footing. A phone call from a good friend last night helped a lot. Thanks, Wendy. I'm writing here to keep myself honest and to help me get back on track. I don't want this to turn into nightly bottles of wine with the occasional bottle of vodka thrown in for good measure. I don't want to continue to disappoint the people that love me and believe in me and I don't want to lose the momentum that my hunting experience initiated. I don't want to feel bad and continue to damage my body. I don't want to experience life through the haze of alcohol.

Top Five

Things I like about being sober:

1. I feel better.

2. I'm sleeping the night through.

3. I've lost three pounds.

4. I'm saving money.

5. I feel good about myself.

You?

What Makes This Time Different?

I've been wondering if this attempt at sobriety will be any different from the many other times I've stayed sober, and unfortuantely, eventually drank again. In the past, these thoughts would have brought extreme panic and anxiety and fear! Now it's more of a current running under the surface waves. There's no panic and very little fear, but I can still feel the anxiety in my body and it's not necessarily a bad thing - it keeps me aware.

I had a soul-changing experience the day I quit - November 11th, but will that be enough to keep me sober through the remaining years of my life? Who can say? At this point, all one can do is stay sober today with a nod to doing the same thing tomorrow. But I'm wondering if I will get a few months in and decide to experiment again. Why have I experimented? Well, it's because I believed in the possibility of affecting a complete and total cure from alcoholism, a cure that would include a return to moderate drinking. And I know it's possible because I know people who have done it. Here's the thing: I haven't done it. I haven't done it and I'm not as young as I used to be, but I'm still young enough to feel like I have a lot of life yet to live. Since moving to Montana six years ago, I've developed a lot of things for myself that I didn't have before. In the most mundane of terms, I feel like I've finally individuated, that I have the courage to actually be myself without guilt even if the regret hangs around.

I'm wondering if I would ever go back to AA or try any other recovery program and I'm pretty sure the answer is no. I find them too dogmatic, too strict and fundamental. I think recovery should be expansive and I don't find myself expanding in those formats. Lifering Secular Recovery is the only thing I've found where you build your own program and the group acts soley as a support for that, but I'm not inclined to go rushing back there either.

I am, however, interested to see what I will do. Today I feel good, and like everything, that will change and I will feel bad, and then I will feel good again. That's life. I'm glad to be part of it.

Reviving Eclectic Recovery

I've decided to revive Eclectic Recovery, the blog. On November 11th I had my last drink. I can't be absolutely, positively, 100% sure, but this feels like the beginning of a long recovery phase. This blog was about my attempts to become a moderate drinker, which sometimes seemed to be working, but most of the time didn't. Because my relationship with alcohol changed in some ways, I thought I might be onto something, but I wasn't. I would like to say that I simply changed my mind and decided not to drink anymore, but that has never worked very well for this problem, despite my beliefs about positive thinking, good intentions, visioning, etc. What really happened is that I had an experience that opened a window of opportunity for me that I have become not only willing, but eager to walk through. I didn't have a lot to do with it.

I had decided on November 10th that it would be my last day of drinking, but I was still feeling doubtful about my ability to actually stay sober. Then, on November 11th, I had a deeply life-changing experience that I couldn't have orchestrated on my own in my wildest imaginings. If you're interested, you can read about it here: http://www.bigskychurch.wordpress.com./ In the meantime, I'm going to revive Electic Recovery. I hope that in the days and months ahead you will come here and find something that helps you in your own struggle - whether it be with alcohol, food, gambling, sex, or just plain life.

So Here's Why

I haven't been around in awhile. For a couple of weeks I just had nothing to say and then my computer went kaput and was out for a week and then when I got it back Blogger wouldn't let me start a new post and time just kept ticking by and by and suddenly it's been almost a month since I wrote!

Thanks to the people who wondered where I was and expressed concern. That is so nice.

It's been a year since I started this blog and it's been a year of learning to let go. From a boss who ambushed me wanting sexual favors and then a few months later laid me off three days after knee surgery to the complete loss of the relationship with the man who brought me to Montana to now the loss of the house I have loved so much, I have been given opportunity after opportunity to surrender to what is, to not hold on to what is being removed and to open myself to the absolute perfection of each and every moment. If not always an "inner yes" I have at least been able to practice an "inner non-resistance" to each situation. I have learned that fighting reality only leads to suffering and I'm just not into that. I have come to know that the loss of things, which are all temporary anyway, or the loss of ideas I've had about myself, open up space for me to realize that which is true, unchangeable and eternal about the nature of reality and all of us human beings - including me. We're all in this together.

Eckhart Tolle's book, "A New Earth" and the teachings in it are the right spiritual tool for me now. I have found absolutely nothing in his teachings that I cannot agree with. For someone who never could quite find her place, in AA, in religion, in life, that's no small deal. Here's what Eckhart says about addiction:

If you have a complusive behavior pattern such as smoking, overeating, drinking, TV watching, internet addiction, or whatever it may be, this is what you can do: When you notice the compulsive need arising in you, stop and take three conscious breaths. This generates awareness. Then for a few minutes be aware of the compulsive urge itself as an energy field inside you. Consciously feel that need to physically or mentally ingest or consume a certain substance or the desire to act out some form of compulsive behavior. Then take a few more conscious breaths. After that you may find that the compulsive urge has disappeared - for the time being. Or you may find that it still overpowers you, and you cannot help but indulge or act it out again. DON'T MAKE IT INTO A PROBLEM. Make the addiction part of your awareness practice in the way described above. As awareness grows, addictive patterns will weaken and eventually dissolve. Remember, however, to catch any thoughts that justify the addictive behavior, sometimes with clever arguments, as they arise in your mind. Ask yourself, Who is talking here? And you will realize that the addiction is talking. As long as you know that, as long as you are present as the observer of your mind, it is less likely to trick you into doing whatever it wants.

Do not make it into a problem. So now it is time for me to let go of the identity I've created of myself as alcoholic/addict or recovering alcoholic/addict. And for that reason, I'm going to close Eclectic Recovery. It's been a fabulous, fun learning process and as the days grow shorter and winter begins to settle in I will most likely be back with another blog. Maybe one about me and the cowboy and kayaking Montana. Maybe one about Eckhart's teachings and how they're affecting my life. Maybe one about how I handle becoming a multi-millionaire and having everything I ever dreamed of. :) One thing is for sure. If you're on that Friends and Neighbors list, you are my friend and I will continue to check in with your blogs and your lives. Next to the self-discovery process, the friends I've made blogging are the best thing about it.

I'd like to leave you with a writing by Mother Teresa called "You and People".

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

I Believe in Magic

A person that I know from AA in this town was riding his bike past my house the other day. I was watering my plants and hollered a hello his direction. He stopped and asked me why I stopped going to AA. There was no judgment in his question, just simple curiosity. Because I wasn't immediately put on the defensive (because usually this question is asked in a quite accusatory manner), I was able to formulate a short concise answer that is the truth for me. And this is it.

I do not believe that because you once had an alcohol or addiction problem, that it is a lifelong sentence. Part of the foundation of AA, and really, most recovery programs, is that the old cliche', "once an addict, always an addict" is true for everyone, all the time, forever and ever Amen.

Here's what I do believe in. I believe in growth and grace and evolvement. I believe that limiting yourself with beliefs like "once an addict, always an addict" makes that true for you and that's the only thing that makes it true for you. I believe in intention and the right arrangement of desire and self-discipline and I believe in throwing it all to the wind at times. I believe that one must be very, very careful what they decide to believe and be willing to toss beliefs that no longer work and try on new ones to see if they do. I believe that any fracture in a human soul or psyche is up for complete and total healing at all times if we're open to it and I believe there are forces that aid us in making that healing real for ourselves. I believe in magic.

What do you believe?

Saturday Gig

This is what I get to do on Saturday's now. I've been working at one of the local flower shops for a few weeks - just five hours on Saturday. But this week the owner is on vacation so I'm
working Wed/Thur/Fri from 9-5:30, then Sat. 10-3, then Mon/Tue/Wed 9-5:30.

I believe that being on my feet for five hours straight is what set off the pain syndrome I went into, which has blessedly been much better in the past week. But I have to admit to being a little nervous about this much work, this much standing time so many days in a row and still only four months after surgery.

I've been doing massage on Saturday immediately following work and that seems to be making a big difference so I'll continue with that. Also, the strain/counterstrain technique worked very well for me so I have another appointment for that.

I've been interested in the mind/body connection for a long time and what I've been doing along with the physical therapy is releasing the emotions behind the pain. I believe that until I do that, I may be looking at being in some considerable pain the rest of my life. Fortunately, it's working. My massage therapist is helping me with it and I'm using the technique Eckhart Tolle describes of bringing presence to the pain and the emotions behind it, many of which are very old. It seems I have a very heavy pain-body, which is not a good or bad thing, just a thing. I also think the same technique is helping me with other issues I've discussed in the past - maybe more about that later. :)

What do you think about emotions causing physical pain?

Mental Health Days

Well, that rain storm I sat through Tuesday morning? It turned to snow - a heavy, wet snow that caused my about-to-bloom poppies to lay their little heads down in the white grass. This is the latest it's snowed in the valley since I've been living here. Today the sun is scheduled to come back out and heat things up to 70 degrees. It will be welcome.

I appreciate all the comments you left on my last post. I really hesitated about whether to even put that up, but I'm glad I did. The cowboy showed up Tuesday evening and Roberta was nice enough to give me a "mental health" day yesterday. We spent it searching out possible places for me to move (I'm having continuous problems with this house from the plumbing to the heating) and visiting my naturopath who did something on me called strain/counterstrain which helped with my also continuing pain tremendously. I still had some crying to do, but this morning all the ghosts seem to have returned to wherever it is they hang out when they're not bugging me.

No More Karma

Eckhart Tolle says that you can't solve a problem on the same plane on which it was created. I believe him. It's been a valiant effort, but what I've been doing here is trying to solve a problem that was born of ego and is continually fed by ego - by putting my ego to it in every conceivable way. I know many people who do this quite successfully. And I'm in despair because I don't know how to reach the solving plane. I've prayed; I've meditated; I've sought god and goddess and have not even heard a whisper. And it's not about alcohol at all; ah how much simpler if it actually were.

I visit your blogs, I read and I am moved, but I cannot find words to comment. I sleep, and want to sleep some more. I cry and there is no relief. I go through the motions. I hate going through the motions. I don't want to write a "negative" blog post so I don't write at all and the poison begins to back up in my system. I witness and observe my own despair. I will not act on it in the same ways. I will not tell you how well I am. I will not tell you how I'm conquering my demons. I will not tell you that I even care whether I drink or not, because I don't. But I am not - and still, the demons.

The very best that I can do now is to create no more karma.

I wrote that in the wee hours of the morning. It is not "edited for content" and the grammar stinks, but it's how I felt at the time. I cried until I had no more energy and it was then I realized that was a good thing - the negative energy had been released and all that was left was space. I sat with a morning storm, the wind and the rain cleansing. I feel sort of ridiculous posting this, but it's the only thing that's come up that feels authentic lately. Do you ever have nights like this? Sometimes I just have to laugh at my own drama.

Pondering

I've been watching Oprah's series with Eckhart Tolle on his book, A New Earth. In one of the segments, a woman skypes in and talks about an illness that has overtaken her life, that has defined it to a point that she no longer wishes to live. She asks how to move away from being her illness. Eckhart's response to her is to stop feeding the energy (my words), not talk about the illness except with her doctors and begin to place more attention on all the areas in which she has well-being in her life.

In a way, that's what I've been doing with this blog and my own definition of myself as "alcoholic." But I'm realizing that even when I'm sober, I'm still feeding that energy - that very energy that I no longer wish to live.

In the book, Addiction and Grace, Gerald G. May describes addiction thusly:

Addiction exists wherever persons are internally compelled to give energy to things that are not their true desires. To define it directly, addiction is a state of compulsion, obsession or preoccupation that enslaves a person's will and desire. Addiction sidetracks and eclipses the energy of our deepest, truest desire for love and goodness. We succumb because the energy of our desire becomes attached, nailed, to specific behaviors, objects or people. Attachment, then, is the process that enslaves desire and creates the state of addiction.

Further,

Addiction attacks every part of what Freud called our "mental apparatus." Subjectively, however, the attacks seem focused on two primary areas: the will, which is our capacity to choose and direct our behavior, and self-esteem, which is the respect and value with which we view ourselves. Addiction splits the will in two, one part desiring freedom and the other only desiring to continue the addictive behavior. This internal inconsistency begins to erode self-esteem. How much can I respect myself if I do not even know what I really want?

The greatest damage to self-esteem, however, comes from repeated failures at trying to change the addictive behavior. Even if I do feel clear about what I really want, I cannot make myself behave accordingly. I seem to be honestly out of control; yet in all truth, I have only myself to blame. This failure can decimate my self-respect. In some other culture, in a society that reveres the mystery of human nature more than ours does, such failure at self-mastery might not be so devastating. They might even be seen as affirmations of one's essential connectedness with the rest of creation and of one's essential dependency upon the Creator. But in modern Western society, we have come to see ourselves as objects of our own creation. When we fail at managing ourselves, we feel defective.

As usual, I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this, but I think some important things are coming to my attention. Things I wish to share. There was a time when alcohol and drugs were my primary addictions. The substance that I'm currently physically addicted to, that I can hardly even consider giving up, is nicotine. Caffeine, preferably in the form of really good coffee, is a distant second. Among the non-physical addictions I've become aware of are attention and acceptance from certain people, struggle, seeking, and self-improvement. By focusing on my past problems with alcohol and drugs, I conveniently provide a way to avoid dealing with these other addictions, which in actual fact, cause me more trouble in the present.

I wish I could say I am now ready to tackle them all, but if there's one thing I've come to realize, it's the futility of approaching an addiction in that way. So I will state my awareness of them here and my slight willingness to begin opening myself to the possibility of grace in all areas of my life. I think one way to do this is to use Eckhart's advice and to slowly begin to not feed the energy of my addictions.

What do you think?

A Quick Hello from Big Sky Country

One massage and one acupuncture session have gone a long way towards decreasing my pain and getting me moving again. Pretty amazing things, these "alternative" therapies that have really been around for thousands of years.

I'm in a place in my life where I'm finding over and over again that doors close for a reason. I attribute this to paying at least a little bit of attention to what's going on around me. I was pretty angry at my knee doctors, but I realize now that if they'd renewed my prescription for pain meds, I would've taken the easy way and probably actually gotten worse as I wouldn't have been treating the core condition (which I am convinced is just as I thought - an unbalanced body structure due to recovery from knee surgery). As it turned out, I was forced to do the things that will make a real difference to my healing, and they're working.

Now, if I could just get to the point where I make these decisions on my own, before I'm forced to, well, that will be a good thing, won't it?

I've been working six days a week for the past three weeks and I'm realizing that it's just too much. I should be able to start taking Monday's off in a few weeks and am so absolutely excited about having two days off this long weekend. The cowboy and I were going to go kayaking, but it looks like the weather isn't going to cooperate and it's probably for the best. I need some time to putter, to play in the dirt and maybe mop the floors and read and possibly catch a movie and catch up with my friends and family and definitely cook and just stop to rest and breathe when I need to.

I appreciate the comments and suggestions I received after my last post. I also hope, this weekend, to have time to catch up with some of my favorite bloggers. What fun things do you have planned for the weekend?

Knee Update

I haven't really wanted to post about this because, well, because I kept hoping it would improve or go away entirely, but it hasn't. Three weeks ago, my first day working at the florist and on my feet for five hours, I was in extreme pain when I left. Not my knee necessarily, both legs and feet hurt and my hips were bothering me as well. I thought I just overdid it that day and slowed down my exercises and walking because that's what the knee doc has told me to do in the past when the pain flared back up to that extent. I still had a few pain pills left and was able to take them in halves along with ibruprofen and ease the pain enough to at least sleep. I took the last pain pill last week and since then I haven't slept a night through. I toss and turn and writhe around trying to find a comfortable position - my legs, knees and hips ache horribly and ibuprofen doesn't touch it.

So I made another appointment at the Bone & Joint clinic. The surgeon wasn't available so I saw a PA that assisted with the surgery and that I had seen before. In the past, he was understanding and responsive, but yesterday was a different story. I explained to him what I had been experiencing, and my theory that my body has gotten way out of balance due to the surgery and isn't able to right itself. I have an old injury in my left hip from a car accident that's caused me a little arthiritis trouble in the past and I think with the knee surgery in the left leg also, it's just gotten everything inflamed. "No way, he said. Your knee surgery would not be causing this kind of pain. You need to go get checked for lupus or rhuematoid arthiritis." Does this seem as ludicrous to me as it does to you? He gave me a prescripton for Tramadol, acetameniphine with a non-narcotic pain killer. So far, it hasn't helped and they're unwilling to prescibe more Percocet which did at least help. Two things about this scenario really make me angry. One is that their attitude seems to be one of "we're done with you." Two is that they're unwilling to prescribe a medication that would help. I realize they have to be careful with folks on narcotic medication, but I had the last prescription of 30 for two months. Does that sound like I'm addicted?

I fully realize that pain medicaiton is not the answer, but until I find a better answer, it sure would be nice to get a little relief and some decent sleep. I start getting crazy when I'm sleep-deprived (as I'm sure everyone does) and it's starting to set in. I wonder how much the long hours on my feet may have to do with this - even though right now it's only once a week. Here's my current plan: I'm going to resume my massages and continue with the medication they gave me plus ibuprofen (this is fine, I asked). It really hurts to walk, but I think I must try and keep up some exercise so I'm going to try and walk at least 30 minutes a day. I may go ahead and make an appt. with my primary doc, but I'm conflicted about this due to my financial situation and the fact that I have a preconceived notion they'll want to do lots of unnecessary tests that won't make a damned bit of difference in the long run. I'm 99.9% sure I do not have lupus or rheumatoid arthiritis and I think it was pretty unethical of the guy to even mention such things when he really doesn't have a clue.

I'm mainly posting this here in case anyone out there may have some additional suggestions. Pain takes over everything when you're in it.

Remembrances and Realities

This photo is looking out from the hotel room the cowboy and I stayed in on the 3rd night of our trip. We were in a place called Gold Beach, Oregon. What a sunset, huh? The little hotel we found on the beach had the sweetest room with really nice classy furnishings and a cozy gas woodstove in the corner. Very romantic. We had a dinner of fruit, cheese and wine on the balcony while watching that ethereal sunset. I wish I knew the name of the place so I could link to it, but I didn't write it down and it's gone from the brain bank!

I've been back from the trip for almost three weeks. When I left I had few prospects for employment beyond the 3-4 hours a day I had been working for Search Widens, the wholesale jewelry business my friend Roberta owns. While I was away, her other part-time worker had to stop working due to pregnancy complications (she and the baby are fine now!) so I was able to move into an almost full-time position there. I had also spoken with a local florist looking for a part-time designer and began work there on Saturdays two weeks ago.

I'm making very good money for part-time work at both places, but it's still considerably less than I was making with the job I was laid off from. Some economic realities are setting in and I'm forced to make difficult decisions about where to spend money. I can't get out of the grocery store for under $25 just picking up things like eggs and bread! I've given up some luxuries I had become accustomed to, like my monthly massage and locally-farmed organic veggies that arrive once a week from now through September. I am very carefully not judging these decisions as good or bad, or more precisely, as a reflection of scarcity or abundance, and a funny thing is happening. For each thing I seemingly give up, I have an experience of recieving something else.

Both of my part-time jobs are within walking distance. There are many days that I don't even crank my car! Not only does this save me considerable money while gas prices are so ridiculously high, but it gives me the satisfaction of knowing I'm contributing that much less to global warming. Roberta is going on a 10-day canoe trip and she's graciously donated her organic veggies to me while she's away. My surgery bills are coming in and when I called to make payment arrangements I was informed that I could submit a charity application to take care of up to 80% of the final costs since my situation has changed so drastically since I had surgery. My parents are very generously helping out as they are able - and even President Bush pitched in with his economic relief payment which will cover a full month's rent and a few trips to the grocery store!

I'm still on the lookout for a full-time job with benefits, but I'm becoming more aware each day of how money is really just an energy exchange. I really enjoy both of my jobs and it's depressing to think of going back to work in an office 40 hours a week and probably for some petty tyrant. I think I have two of the best employers in the area and each job provides me the opportunity to practice different skills in a positive, supportive environment. That ain't nothing, folks. So while my left brain goes on about the need for benefits, health insurance, retirement, etc., I've begun to pay much more attention to my heart. Do I enjoy the work? Am I in the midst of positive, healthy people? Do I trust enough to follow the feeling of good energy and know it will lead not only to the fulfillment of my needs, but to true abundance? How important is $3-4 extra dollars an hour if it's paid for with added stress and depression? I don't want it to sound like I think medical insurance and retirement benefits aren't desirable, but I also wonder in this crazy world that we inhabit just how much those things can be relied upon anyway.

What do you think?

Addiction and Grace

I have recently read the book, "Addiction and Grace" by Gerald G. May, M.D. and was so touched by the ideas presented in the book that I'm re-reading it. What surprises me is that many of the ideas Dr. May represents are parallel to the ideas presented in the 12-step model, which you know I have little use for. But for some reason the way Dr. May presents them makes them more palatable to me and I find myself nodding in affirmation, feeling the words and ideas as a truth my cells know something about. This is how the book begins:

1. Desire: Addiction and Human Freedom

After twenty years of listening to the yearnings of people's hearts, I am convinced that all human beings have an inborn desire for God. Whether we are consciously religious or not, this desire is our deepest longing and our most precious treasure. It gives us meaning. Some of us have repressed this desire, burying it beneath so many other interests that we are completely unaware of it. Or we may experience it in different ways - as a longing for wholeness, completion of fulfillment. Regardless of how we describe it, it is a longing for love. It is a hunger to love, to be loved, and to move closer to the Source of love. This yearning is the essence of the human spirit; it is the origin of our highest hopes and most noble dreams.

From the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous:

Chapter 4 - We Agnostics

Actually we were fooling ourselves, for deep down in every man, woman, and child is the fundamental idea of God. It may be obscured by calamity, by pomp, by worship of other things, but in some form or other it is there. For faith in a power greater than ourselves, and miraculous demonstrations of that power in human lives, are facts as old as man himself. We finally saw that faith in some kind of God was a part of our make-up, just as much as the feeling we have for a friend. Sometimes we had to search fearlessly, but He was there. He was as much a fact as we were. We found the Great Reality deep down within us. In the last analysis it is only there that He may be found. It was so with us.

I wonder a lot about this idea - that a desire for god is part of our DNA as human beings. What I've stopped wondering about lately is whether it's a part of mine - it surely seems to be. This is where all my images and representations and constructs become confusing, where religious education proves futile. It is not a longing I can attach to anything, it just is - a longing for something that defies definition, a longing that has always been with me, that is much more a part of me than my eyes or the color of my hair, or even the breath of spirit that gives me life in the present moment. It is a longing that I have finally decided to honor.

I also wonder, do you feel this longing?

Do No Harm Week

If you hurt another person, you hurt yourself. The act of inflicting injury distorts you, making it more difficult for you to be in alignment with your highest potential. The converse is also true. When you hurt yourself, you inevitably hurt others. The damage you cause to yourself diminishes your ability to give your best gifts. Keep this in mind, Scorpio, as you celebrate Do No Harm Week. Be scrupulous in your intention to practice non-violence in every way you can imagine.

The above is my horoscope from one of my favorite astrologers, Rob Bresny of Free Will Astrology. He posts free weekly horoscopes on Wednesdays each week. Occasionally, a horoscope will hit me right between the eyes and this is one of them because I had already come to the same conclusion for myself last week before reading this. It's one of the reasons I decided to go abstinent again. No one is saying to me, "Angela, your drinking is hurting me." although I'm sure there have been many times in the past when it has caused other people pain. What has come clear to me is that if I'm inflicting harm on myself, which I had begun to do again with alcohol, then I am inflicting harm on ALL OF US. And that's just not acceptable to me anymore. I'm interested in what my fellow bloggers think of this. Do you feel a responsibility to the human family? Do you feel that some behaviors are acceptable, if they only harm you? Or, like me, have you reached a realization that there is no harming a part without harming the whole?

The Drinking Experiment or Back to the Subject at Hand

The time has come for me to admit that my drinking experiment is not working and to practice abstinence. I haven't hit a bottom or gotten in trouble with the law or reached a physical dependence on alcohol. But the encouragement I felt a few months back has been replaced by a growing sense of once again being caught in the throes of an addiction that at the very least is not good for me physically, mentally or spiritually. That seems like a good place to stop, doesn't it?

I'm not setting myself a goal of a certain amount of time abstinent nor am I saying I'm quitting forever. I'm stopping now because it's not working for me and because I feel the presence of a grace working with me that will make it possible for me to stop successfully at this time.

My goal with this experiment was to learn to drink moderately and if you wanted to call the experiment a failure because that hasn't happened, you surely can. I envision moderation as being truly able to take it or leave it and not having to work at moderation by counting drinks or inflicting rules on oneself, which never seem to work with an addiction. I know people who have been truly healed who are able to drink moderately - they all have a couple of things in common that I've noticed. One - their goal was not to learn to drink moderately at the time. Two - they practiced a long period of abstinence in which they focused solely on their psychological and spiritual growth and the healing of their addiction was a by-product of that work.

It's been hard to reach this decision because the addiction has not reached the depths of self-destruction that it has in the past and many times I was able to moderate. But moderating has become increasingly difficult and lately, more often than not, I just can't keep it to a minimum. Once I introduce the substance into my system, I lose the ability to have any control over it. In 12-step groups they call that powerlessness with the flip side of the coin being that surrender to that powerlessness is the way to empowerment. That's where I am. I do not have the power with my unaided will to control my drinking. I have no intention at this time to attend 12-step meetings. I will seek my support through friends, family, the internet, but mostly from the grace that I feel infusing this decision.

I'm glad I tried. I gained a lot from the experiment even though I'm abandoning it. But for now I really have just become a better-adjusted alcoholic. That wasn't the goal. It's Day 1.

Day 3 - The Bachelor Follies

So it's Day 3 and the cowboy and I are driving south towards Portland before we head over to the Oregon Coast. We're just riding along and suddenly, out of the blue, he asks me, "If you had a jar of peanut butter that was dry and you wanted to soften it, how would you do it?" I looked at him and paused, not sure I really understood the question. I thought he must've been asking how to get the jar clean of the dried peanut butter but something told me that wasn't the real question. So instead of saying I would soak the damned thing in soap and water, I asked, "What do you mean?" He said, "You know, reconstitute it? I've heard you can put a little olive oil in it, and then it's a real workout, but if you stir it long enough it will be good as new." It was at this moment that I realized how deeply ingrained this man's bachelorhood is and it was also at this moment that I began to laugh, and laugh, and laugh. The cowboy kept giving me these puzzled looks and asking me what the hell was so funny and every time I attempted to explain it, the giggles overtook me again and I just couldn't get the words out. Finally I managed to tell him that I would toss the peanut butter, as in throw it away, at which point his puzzlement seemed to reach astronomical proportions. "But why would you waste a perfectly good jar of peanut butter?" he oh so innocently asked. This only served to bring on more fits of laughter. I could tell he was getting more than a little irritated with me by now, but I tell you, I could not stop laughing! I finally stopped long enough to tell him that in my world, if a jar of peanut butter is that dried up, IT IS NO LONGER A PERFECTLY GOOD JAR OF PEANUT BUTTER! Then, he got it and started laughing which just started me laughing all over again.

It must've been about this time that the city of Portland came into view. It was an incredibly beautiful sight with all the lights and colors reflecting on the water. It was one of those magical moments that just make you go silent. This was a good thing because my stomach hurt for two days from all the laughing I'd already done. I didn't have my camera ready and could've never done the beauty justice anyway so I pulled the above photo off the web. We continued south for another hour before stopping for the night - laughing and giggles abated.

Days 1 and 2

The cowboy and I left Lakeside, Montana at 7:00 Tuesday morning, April 8th. His dad was giving his niece a ride to Moses Lake, Washington so we trailed them there and had lunch with them. This was my second time meeting his dad and he's a quiet, laid-back type fella - not at all like the cowboy.

We then drove to our first stopping point, North Bend, Washington - an absolutely quaint and lovely little town about an hour east of Seattle. This first stop was one of the most beautiful of the trip. Wednesday morning we set out to find Snoqualmie Falls which we had heard about and were eager to see and it was well worth the diversion. A short, easy walk to the lookout and the falls are incredible. That's the falls in the picture above.

After the falls we headed to Seattle with which I immediately fell in love. Sometimes I really miss being near a big city with all its attendant energy and chaos. We had a few tense moments maneuvering the 5-speed pickup truck along the very steep streets near the waterfront and finding a space to park. We actually parked in one space and were then confused by the signs about whether it was a legal parking space. We asked two or three passerby hoping they might be able to help us figure it out - but no one could! The signs made absolutely no sense. Another space came open that had no signs so we moved to it and no sooner did we move than someone snatched up the space we had been in. Remember, this is all taking place on a VERY STEEP STREET with a Montana cowboy not used to driving in the city. Did I mention we were in a 5-speed pickup truck? This is probably about the time I started my "road prayers" which would continue almost unabated the entire trip. They were short and sweet. "Please don't let it hurt." Trust me, if it hadn't been for my knee making the clutch an impossibility for me, I would've taken over driving at that point, post haste! To be perfectly honest, the cowboy's driving makes me nervous under the best of conditions. Good thing I didn't know some of the terrain we had yet to travel.

We spent the afternoon exploring Pike's Market which I found fascinating and fun beyond all reason. The colors, textures, smells, sounds and sights were a delight to the senses. I wanted to spend so much money, but managed to get away with only a couple of packages of dark chocolate linguine. Yes, dark chocolate linguine. Dessert linguine. I bought the packages as gifts, but I may have to hold onto one for myself. It's just too sexy and divine. And speaking of divine - we had lunch on the pier at Fisherman's Restaurant & Bar. One thing I really looked forward to was eating some good, fresh seafood and I sure got it here. We had a mixed seafood grill in a saffron and coconut milk broth. Shrimp, crab, mussels, fish and bananas! It was a true gastronomic treat, but the crab was still in the shell. Do you know how hard it is to crack a crab that's covered in broth? A little messy, but well worth it. Below are some pictures of the market

We then drove to Shelton, WA where we were to meet up with some of the cowboy's friends for dinner and to spend the night, but we missed our connection with them and stayed in some nondescript hotel that even now fades quickly from memory.

Packing for the Trip

I knew I was going to be away for quite some time - at least two weeks - and that I would be encountering much different weather than is found in NW Montana at this time of year. I also knew I would be riding in a pickup truck and that the less I could go with the better. So I packed as lightly as possible.

I managed to pack for the longest trip I've been on in my life with an absolute minimum of baggage. I didn't realize it at the time, but along with less physical baggage, I also packed a lot less emotional baggage for this trip. You have a 50/50 chance of guessing which served me better.

I had to shop for short-sleeved blouses due to the warm weather we eventually encountered, but emotionally, mentally and spiritually, I packed just right. It was an absolutely incredible trip, but at every turn I was faced with situations that in the not-too-distant past could've ruined the entire thing. I was stuffed in the cab of a pickup truck with the cowboy for hours on end; I was meeting his entirely lovable, but pretty much totally neurotic family for the first time and I was distanced from every element that makes me feel comfortable, with no recourse. I knew when I left it could go either way - to hell or to heaven, and I knew that I was perfectly in control, or not, as to how it would go.

As is usual in life, it was a little bit of both, but the heaven far outweighed the hell. I think if we can get to that point in our lives, where we know it's up to us which way the shit flies (to be just really crude about it), we've accomplished something. I've accomplished something. Hope you'll stick around for the details.

I'm Back!

The cowboy and I rolled into Polson around 6:00 p.m. on Wednesday, 15 days and 2500 miles from the day we left. It was a grand trip, highlights of which are to follow in upcoming posts.

It's nice to see folks checked in with me while I was gone. I plan to catch up on all my blogging buddies this weekend. It's amazing how much there is to do after being away for two weeks - starting with sweeping the floor and loving up on a couple of kitties! And luckily for me I was able to resume my part-time job immediately, with the distinct possibility that it may become more in the near future.

My knee fared well as did the relationship - two things that were questionable at the beginning of the trip.

It's good to be home and back at the computer.

Roadtrip!

Sometimes things work out in a way you couldn't have planned as well yourself. This is one of those times. The cowboy's mom lives in Redding, CA and she has a couple of kayaks in her

garage that aren't being used, so he and I are going to go fetch them from her. Exploring Flathead Lake on a kayak has been a dream of mine for a couple of years - ever since I kayaked with my sister on the lake my parents live on in Georgia. Looks like I'll be doing some of that this summer now.

And for five years, since I first moved to Montana, I've dreamed of visiting the Oregon Coast. We've decided to go to Redding by way of Seattle and then the coast! I've never been to Seattle either and I'm looking forward to exploring that city for a day or two and then on to the cute little villages along the Coast, hopefully some whale watching and definitely taking in a lighthouse or two along the way. My knee will probably prevent me from getting to the top of the lighthouses, but, hey, you never know. I'm pretty pumped! I admit to being a little nervous about traveling that kind of distance while I'm still experiencing quite a bit of pain, but the cowboy assures me we will stop every couple of hours along the way and make sure I stay as comfortable as possible.

Now, if that wonderful employer of mine hadn't laid me off when he did, this trip wouldn't be possible. And if I weren't still out of work due to the surgery it wouldn't be possible. So those two things, which seemed so awful at the time, have cojoined to create this incredible opportunity.

We'll be gone 10-14 days and I will probably not have computer access, but I look forward to checking in with all my favorite bloggers when I get back. I've been having computer problems lately as well and haven't had the patience to wait for pages to load, so once again, I apologize if I haven't visited you in awhile! I hope to have many great pictures and stories to share with you when I return.

Roadmap to Holland - The Release

Gosh. I guess it's been 2 1/2 years since my friend, the Practical Vampire Slayer, invited me to join a writer's group that was getting started in our little community. She and I were working together at the local newspaper at the time and I had just begun writing after, oh, about a 30 year hiatus. That's where I met Jennifer. Jennifer had begun work on a book of her experiences with Avery, her son born with Down's Syndrome.

I'll never forget that first writer's group. My nervousness soon disappeared when I realized that the lovely woman with the golden curls would be "overseeing" us and that her heart was as golden as her hair. Jennifer is the kind of woman that immediately puts you at ease; she's soft, but her softness is encased in a strength that naturally draws others to her.

While a few people dropped out right away, we have maintained a core group of writers that meet once a month for going on three years now. I remember many a night when our whole group sat in silence and tears after hearing Jennifer read something from her "work in progress".

That work in progress is now a book: "Roadmap to Holland" has just been released by Penguin . I think everyone in our writer's group is as proud as if it were our own book - which Jennifer would probably tell you in a way it is.

Another member of our group has been blogging up a storm lately and I think you'll enjoy reading Julie at Alley-Grazer.

Congratulations, Jennifer! We love you!

A Copy of a Copy of a Copy

I wanted to wait and resume blogging when I actually felt something positive to write about, but it looks like that may be awhile down the road so I decided to just jump back in right where I am.

Did you know that lack of sleep can make you suicidal? Homicidal even? At the very least severely depressed? It's true. Just in the past month both 60 Minutes and Oprah have had segments about insomnia and how it affects the human body, brain and emotions. It's been almost six weeks since my surgery and I'm still hurting enough at night that I don't sleep through. I have gotten up to sleeping about four or five hours at a time which is a vast improvement from the night's I haven't slept at all, but it isn't enough yet to counteract the ill effects. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if I were like that one woman on Oprah who gets up and cleans the house and bakes cakes when she can't sleep, but about the most I can do is wander around in a daze or do a little reading.

I've developed a lovely little syndrome called patella femoral pain syndrome. It's a common complication after ACL surgery, especially for women. The PT and I are working on it with some exercises, but so far it still hurts like a . . . . well, like hell.

In a way, thank god I was laid off right after surgery because I know myself and I would've pushed myself to get back to work as soon as possible and I think if I actually had to be somewhere every morning at 8:00, someone probably would be dead. As it is, I'm doing my little side job three hours an afternoon and even after six weeks, that's about all I can handle. Of course, some days and nights are better than others and there really is light at the end of the tunnel.

The positive side to all this is that I've been forced into an exercise routine that was sorely needed and I've lost a little weight to go along with it. Oh. Did you know that lack of sleep can also cause you to gain weight? Honestly, it can wreak a lot of havoc in a person's life.

I've discovered a lot about myself in these past weeks. I think the most important discovery is that I seem to have acquired some faith somewhere along this life path. I have faith in my ability to care for myself, faith that this is all perfect timing and faith that the universe is unfolding exactly as it should. And I have faith that I will soon be pain-free and asleep for a full 8 hours. I absolutely get that this is a just a tiny blip on the screen and that each day is a gift and an opportunity. Of course, I actually slept for five hours straight last night.

Apologies

I know it's not really necessary, but I want to apologize for my lack of blogging lately and for not visiting my regular blogging friends as often as usual. I'm still in sufficient pain enough of the time to not feel much like sitting at the computer. I do, however, want to direct you to this post. It's important.

Running?

Since you've not finished telling us your story, I don't know what it was you were running away from when you moved to Montana. Have you considered that "it" will also follow you to Bozeman or Missoula?

This comment was left anonymously on my last entry. I didn't intend to give the impression that I was running from anything as I have no desire to leave Polson and hope it doesn't come to that. However, economic necessity may prevail and if it does and all signs point to moving as a viable option, I will probably do so.

If the commentor would like to know what I was running from when I left Georgia, he/she can find part of the answer in this post. The longer answer, and what I'm realizing a little more each day, is that I was running from standing in my own power. By the time I left Georgia in 2002, I had given my power over to so many, so much and so often, there was really none left. As I have begun to learn, ever so slowly, to inhabit myself fully, to allow the innate power that I was originally gifted with to come forth and to most importantly, not be afraid of it myself, I no longer have a desire to run from anything or anyone. It no longer matters to me WHY I gave my power away so freely, or why I am finding the strength to inhabit it now, it only matters that I am.

There's a lot of talk in recovery circles about the "geographic cure". What they mean by that is that many people with drinking problems will move from one city to the next on a regular basis to leave the wake of destruction that was created. I was never one of those. As a matter of fact, I probably stayed in places a lot longer than I should have. But when I made the decision to move to Montana, I was "reminded" many times that it was probably a "geographic", as they're called. Well, maybe it was. And if it was, thank goddess. Because had I remained in Georgia under the conditions that I had created for myself there, I would likely not be writing this today. And I guess that's one thing that bothers me a lot about recovery circles. There often seems to be no room for individual circumstances, or stories, or decisions, or plans. WE have found it to be that if you move, you are only doing a geographic and all your problems will follow you. Well, I gotta tell you. A lot of them did. But not all of them. And apparently, it was enough because I no longer drink a bottle of vodka a night with a handful of pills as chaser. But that was five years ago and I can tell you for sure it wasn't a seamless cross-over.

I'm paying close attention to my body these days, and the more attention I pay, the less I drink. I realize that some will not be able to believe that. It's okay. I know. It's clear to me that the recovery movement is this country leaves no room for an individual to naturally move out of addiction unaided by the 12 steps and/or not having abstinence as a goal. But I want to tell you, I'm just allowing it to happen and it's happening.

The Beauty of Struggle

Those are the Mission Mountains which are due east from Polson about 2 miles I guess. I don't have words to explain what living in the brilliance of their shadow does for me. I always wanted to live near mountains, but never dreamed I'd be so close to ones like these. I can see their peaks from a couple of the windows in my house on a clear day like today.

I think those mountains struggled a lot against the glacier that formed them. Or maybe it was the glacier that did all the work, eh? At any rate, they are a reminder to me of the beauty that can come from struggle, whether it's the struggle of tectonic plates and ice ages, or the struggle of one human soul trying to make her way in the world. And while they don't seem to be struggling now, I'm sure there are underground movements at work on them all the while they seem to be resting.

The Electric Orchid Hunter left this comment on yesterday's post: In my opinion that book has got it all wrong. By nature, we don't put up a fight, don't expend more energy than necessary; life is all downstream from here. Situations and people like those two men are more like rocks that you wash against and end up clinging to, assuming that that'll stem the tide, prevent you from being swept over the cataract. But what these rocks actually do, is prevent you from moving at all. Clinging to these rocks leaves you marooned.

It is only when you realize that you can swim upstream unaided, that you don't need to give up and drown, or bleach and dessicate on those rocks, that you have undreamed of potential and resourcefulness, that the river of Life breaks its hold on you.

And here's my reply to him: EOH,

What a beautiful and thoughtful comment. And I agree with you. I actually believe in struggle as a positive force sometimes, a builder of character and a strengthener of spiritual and psychic muscles. When people say life can be lived without struggle, I wonder what kind of life it would actually be. But when is enough enough? And how do we get our thoughts moving again in whatever direction works for us - be it upstream or downstream? The process described in the book helped me do that.

I highly recommend checking out his blog - just make sure you've got your Webster's Unabridged handy!

I dream that more people in the world could find such an eloquent way to agree to disagree, or agree on some points and not on others, or disagree with respect. Don't you think the world would be a better place?

I'm headed up to spend the weekend with the cowboy. This is major progress for it requires a 45 minute drive which I feel I'm up for at this point. I'm wondering if it's time to leave these beautiful mountains - the opportunities in Missoula or Kalispell, or even Bozeman would be much better than what I might find here. Then again, I would have to leave those mountains and the incredible network of friends and associates I've developed here over the past 5 years. I'm glad I don't have to decide today.

Have a great weekend and I'll check in with you all on Monday.

Struggle or Paddling Upstream

If you've come here looking for an uplifting post, you're in the wrong place today.

I am struggling. Best to just admit it and get it out in the open where maybe some light will shine on it. I've been lucky that in 46 years, this knee surgery is the first surgery I've had - if you don't count dental surgery, and I don't. Intellectually I understand that a traumatic invasion of the body for whatever good reason is going to be depressing to some degree. The medical practitioners tried to prepare me for the pain and the long recovery time, but until you're actually living it, it's just a concept. Three weeks out from surgery I'm starting to get it. 8-12 months total recovery time. We're talking gradual here. Gradual lessening of pain, gradual increase in motion and strength, gradual healing. There will be no overnight miracle.

I've got some things floating around my mind that aren't helping any either. There are two men in this town that I am on the serious outs with. This is a small town - about 6,000 people. I've already run into one of them in the past week - the ex-live-in boyfriend of three years. The one who told me the last time we spoke that I was a lost cause, a hopeless case that he didn't want to have any more to do with. We broke up two years ago and for some insane reason I thought we could salvage a friendship out of the deal. The other? The ex-boss. The one who seems to have laid me off for reasons more personal than business. The one I had to threaten with calling the Dept. of Labor if he didn't pay me all the money I was owed. I've been pondering both of these situations a lot and while I'm not going into any more details here, I realize that the reason I've had problems with both of these men is because I am no longer willing to submit to the whims and emotions of despots and petty tyrants. I am no longer willing to let others dictate how I live, no matter how well meaning they may seem to be. I think this is the first time in my life I've actually felt like I wanted to avoid people. Which of course means it's something I will absolutely not do. Because I've been around and around both of these situations and while I know it takes two to tango and all that crap, I'm ok with my behavior. No, I didn't do everything right. Yes, maybe I did a lot wrong. But what I haven't done, and they both have, verbally or subtly, is to say YOU are wrong, your entire personhood is wrong, you don't deserve happiness or money or love or anything worthwhile. As much as I tell myself to move on and forget about all of it; as much as I believe that these experiences will make me a stronger person; as much as I know what's happened is much more about them than it is about me - it hurts.

Now, add to that the fact that I can't really exercise yet and I'm still in pain about 70% of the time and all the family's gone back to Georgia and what do you get? Me. Struggling. Do you ever feel like that's all there is to it? As my sister's friend, Mary, says, "What the fucking fuck???"

Before surgery I ordered a couple of books I thought would be inspirational to read while I was convalescing. "The Astonishing Power of Emotions" by Esther and Jerry Hicks, and supposedly channeled through a benevolent entity known as Abraham, is part of the popular Law of Attraction material. The Hicks' break thought processing down into really simple ideas. Either you're thinking upstream, against the current, with struggle, or you're thinking downstream, allowing the river to carry you along with its power and trusting in the outcome. Now, we can paddle upstream as long as we want, working hard, struggling, straining to keep our little boat moving upstream, or we can just decide to let go. They posit that the only place to start is right where you are, no matter how negative and depressed you may feel and try to find one downstream thought about any given situation. And they say that nothing you want is upstream, it's all downstream. I did that with the two men I've mentioned and it helped.

And on that note, here on this public blog, I release both of these men and the events, circumstances and emotions surrounding them with as much love as I can muster. It ain't a lot right now, but it will have to do.

The Soul's Companion

As is often the case, today's reading from The Soul's Companion is ever so appropriate.

In order to grow, we must struggle. Children struggle as they move through developmental stages, sorting and resorting what they learn and adapting it to new challenges. Our brain grows with use; new information creates brain growth and alters cell assemblies or particular constellations of memories. Part of struggling is working through previous stages into new ones, changing thoughts and behavior patterns, continually shaping and reshaping the self. When I am able to struggle, I can change, and I can allow others to change in my presence. I can move through stages of life without getting marooned in one because I can't face the anguish of the struggle toward a new one. Tian Dayton, Ph.D.

Just because I haven't had much to say here lately doesn't mean nothing's going on in that noggin' of mine. Hopefully, it will come out in a post soon.

The Absurdities

Is that not the ugliest thing you have ever seen? OK, not the leg, the stocking. It's a compression stocking and is used after surgeries to prevent blood clots from shooting to your heart and knocking you dead, and to keep circulation moving. But, why, I ask you, can't they make one that looks like black fishnet? I mean, really, how difficult would that be, and how much better would I feel wearing it if it were? I wonder if healing would occur more quickly if one could feel just a little bit sexy in the process, you know? I could just get one for the other leg and drive the cowboy nuts while I'm recuperating. Prime that pump so to speak.

If the stocking itself isn't absurd enough, imagine my dismay when I realized I was down to two people to help me change it: my dad or my boyfriend. Arrrgghh!!! Somebody save me from this humiliation! Funny that I don't mind the gorgeous PT changing it - must be because I know he's a professional and he's seen tons of hairy, un-cared for legs and feet in his job(remember, my injury occurred on Jan. 19th and I have not been able to reach my left foot since then!). I have PT again tomorrow and an appointment afterwards for the sutures to be removed. And even though I don't have the money for it, I'm treating myself to a pedicure afterwards and maybe a pair of black fishnets to go with it.

Yesterday, they let me switch from this leg brace to this one. The first one I have actually had to sleep with since surgery. Trust me, I'm definitely ready for something else to be sharing my bed. Honestly, can you imagine having to sleep in that thing??

I guess the biggest absurdity was receiving a pink slip three days after surgery, when I was in the most extreme pain and surely not in a psychic place to be hit with not having a job. I experienced hurt, anger, dismay, that someone I worked hard for for two and a half years felt I could be treated with such abject dismissal. And then I remembered the source. And I remembered that I had been toying with looking for another job for quite awhile, and I remembered being ambushed on the pontoon boat, and I remembered the week that I went to detox in September of 2006, which I was paid for and which got me off that awful drug, ativan, and I figure it all worked out in the end. I have acted with integrity, which is certainly not a given, but which is something I will take with me to my next job - whatever it may turn out to be. In the meantime? I'm just relaxing.

Knee Sundae with Whipped Cream and a Cherry on Top

A friend of mine gave me that card. Isn't it great? Now, I will admit to having felt picked on in the past few months, and to having been sorely tempted on numerous occasions to fall into that old yucky Victim mentality. But I've decided that whoever is doing the picking knows exactly what they're doing. Me? I'm just gonna relax.

I'm far enough away from the surgery now, and dealing with enough less pain to realize the absurdities and blessings that have occurred from this unplanned interruption in my life. My mom and sister, Pam, arrived the day before surgery. Mom flew back to Georgia last Sunday and Pam just left this (Sat.) morning. Dad got here yesterday and will stay until I feel comfortable driving myself again. They're doing me in shifts. I'm sure this is for their sanity as well as mine and is just a brilliant plan.

While I'm definitely ready for some alone time, I sure did hate to see Pam go. I've only known her for 44 years, but I learned something about Pam I never knew: in her daily life she's a school-bus driver - a no-nonsense benevolent dictator with the kids on her bus and the lung power to be heard over 20 or 30 of them. But by night I think she's a frustrated Florence Nightingale. She patiently fetched me water, food, and anything else I needed, washed my hair, did the grocery shopping, rented movies for us to watch, drove me back and forth to doctor's appointments and physical therapy, and generally took excellent care of me. And I only had to nudge her a little to keep the floor swept and the dishes washed. I'm really lucky to have the relationships I do with my sisters and I appreciate them more and more.

Speaking of physical therapy, I've decided it takes a special kind of person to deliver such torture all the while convincing you it's for your own good. I hit the jackpot with my physical therapist as he looks like this guy and despite myself I find I kinda look forward to PT. Wouldn't you? It's great to have something nice to look at when you're being twisted, and stretched, and prodded and pushed and you know you're going to hurt like hell when it's over.

You might call all that stuff one flavor of ice cream in this scrumptious little sundae I'm making. The whipped cream?

On Monday, three days after surgery, my co-workers, Peggy & Tom, showed up at my house with a letter. The letter was from my employer of the past two and a half years, and in its entirety read: "Due to seniority, you are laid off effective March 1, 2008." It had postage on it and was ready to mail which is exactly what that cowardly lion was going to do.

The cherry?

I can't seem to make myself unhappy about it. As a matter of fact, my sundae is covered with a mound of cherries on top. I'll tell you more about them in upcoming posts.

Thanks to all of my blogging friends for the great support and encouragement. It is appreciated!

I have just one thing to say

They did not exaggerate. I am not a happy camper. I hope to be back soon.

100th Blog Post

Well, this is my 100th blog post and it seems as good a time as any to review where we've been for the past few months. I began this blog as an exploration into recovery from alcoholism and drug addiction. I had been trying many different recovery modalities, but had yet to find one that seemed to fit me personally. You may have noticed that not every post, maybe not even half of them, are actually about addiction or recovery. There's a reason for that.

What I hope I show here is that there is a lot more to me than the drinking problem I defined myself by for so long. A whole helluva lot more. What I hope others with similar problems may realize is that they, too, can make the choice to define themselves differently.

One of the first decisions I made was to stop attending AA. There was a time in my life, which I've written about, when AA was a catalyst for positive change, but that time had long passed and I was only hurting myself by continuing to try and find something appropriate for me there. When I would go to AA and attempt to stay sober indefinitely, and then fail in that attempt, I would beat myself unmercifully and the deep and intense guilt I would experience was much worse on me than the actual drinking. Plus, some folks in and out of AA seemed all too eager to assist me in the lashing. So I decided to quit doing that to myself. When I stopped doing it to myself, I stopped letting anyone else do it either. I think that's called empowerment.

Some of my best friends are members of AA. In keeping with their 12th tradition, I would like to say thank you to two very special women - you know who you are.

I gave myself permission to explore the things I was really interested in and the things that I felt could lead me out of alcoholism. I had this idea that a life lived with deep passion and joy would leave little room for addiction. So I deepened my inquiry into astrology and how it could help me make sense of life. I also began work with a woman who had identified as alcoholic for many years, but who had transcended that label. She introduced me to Caroline Myss' work on archetypes which was a perfect accompaniment to astrology as astrology is really all about archetypes. I decided to explore the relationship between sex, guilt and addiction - specifically how feelings of guilt around early sexual experiences could morph into addiction disorders. Eric Frances over at Planet Waves provided a space for this exploration. I intended to write more about that here, but I haven't gotten comfortable enough to be quite that open. I maintained my spiritual practices - yoga, meditation and writing. Writing is a spiritual practice for me because I cannot hide from myself when I write. I can still hide from you if I want to, but not myself. None of these explorations have turned out like I thought they would; mostly they've turned out better than I could've imagined.

The first and most wonderful change came when I noticed that I could drink without guilt. I could enjoy drinking in a social fashion. This doesn't mean that there was an instantaneous switch to moderate drinking. I sometimes still drink too much, but I no longer beat the crap out of myself for doing it. I've observed that when I am in a difficult situation or having a hard time emotionally, I can still go into heavy drinking as a coping mechanism. And I've observed that I can stop it.

As long as I believed in powerlessness as the 1st of the 12 steps requires, I really was powerless. When I would drink under that premise, I literally felt that I couldn't stop drinking and the binges could last for days or even weeks. These binges were exacerbated by an addiction to a drug called ativan which I finally broke in September of 2006. What it feels like now is that I'm backing out of alcoholism. I like to drink. I practice harm reduction by not driving when I drink, not letting it interfere with my work, and not adding anything else to the mix. I believe as long as I am responsible to my fellow human beings, I can maintain my private life as I please. No harm, no foul. This is not a popular notion these days. At the same time, I have become much too aware of where my real joy lies to get too far away from that, which is where excess drinking takes me.

I have gained more confidence, more joy and more fulfillment from following my own path, however crooked it may look to someone else, than I ever did by trying to maintain abstinence from alcohol. Anyone will tell you that abstinence from alcohol does not equal recovery. Very few, if any, people will tell you that recovery is possible while continuing to drink. But I know there are others out there like me, who believe it is possible and who will follow that belief. Some may consider us stupid, a little crazy and even hopeless. Others may consider us courageous and ground-breaking, while most of you could probably care less one way or the other. Which leads me to the second wonderful thing that's happened for me. I don't base my decisions anymore on what someone else thinks is a good idea for me. I think they call that liberation.

A few weeks ago the woman I was working with had me make a list of the positive changes I'd seen since we began working together. Here is that list:

I've had more instances of drinking and enjoying it than I have of overdoing it and regretting it.

I've felt my confidence soar.

I've done some excellent writing.

I've felt the Universe filling me up from the inside out.

I've drawn lines in the sand with people and been utterly prepared for whatever response I got.

I've spent a lot of time letting myself move through grief.

I've created a sex life for myself that doesn't require a partner and I've also enjoyed great partner sex.

I have redefined some relationships in my life to be on a more equal basis.

I'd like to add these to that list:

I've been true to myself.

I've moved out of blaming anyone, most especially myself.

I still feel the naysayer's judgment. I still wonder if they will be right in the end - if I will ultimately move back into full blown alcoholism and possibly lose my life. And then I remember: none of us gets out of here alive. Today is the day, baby. What are you going to do with it?

And on that note, this will probably be my last post before surgery. I've added some great new people to my blogroll, so please check out: Crazed and Confused, Frankiecon, Lee's River, Rae's Confessions, and The Electric Orchid Hunter.

And oh yeah, that picture? I took it with the cowboy on top of that snow-covered moutain, on a very sweet and sacred Sunday afternoon. Peace, ya'll.

Hangin' out at the . . . . cemetary?

Yeah, this is what we do for fun in Polson on a Saturday afternoon. Actually, the Lakeview Cemetary is atop a hill that overlooks Polson Bay, the narrows and the mountains of the Mission, the Swan and the Flathead Valleys. It's one of the most beautiful views in Polson and one of the quietest spots in an already quiet town. I like to go there to think and ponder, to daydream and reminise, to pray and stand in awe. My prayers go something like this, which are the lyrics from a Joan Armatrading song I'm listening to:

They're singing secular songs in the churches

And there's not a word of God

It's all Schubert and Beethoven

Oh and lots of french love songs

So let's go down on Sunday morning

To hear that Jacob sermon read

Everybody's dressed in their finest apparal baby

Listening to the preacher eulogies

Then we'll pray

Pray

Pray

Yea we'll pray

Our souls will rise upon that date

Pray

Pray

Pray

Pray we change to better ways

They're telling stories about love's passion

All about menage a trois

Hear those heart felt Leider

Coming from that deep bass voice

And whilst some sleep through this music

Others weep for all the pain

As they sing secular songs to the churches baby

It's time to kneel let's kneel and pray.

That's followed by the chorus again with lots of soulful hallelujah's thrown in and at this part I can't decide which to sing - Pray or Hallelujah!

I brought the cowboy to this cemetary yesterday. We seem to have burned through all our illusions about each other in the past few weeks - and decided we still think it's a good thing to hang out together awhile. I feel good about that.

One of the artists I was working with, Nancy Greenfield, came up today and collected the inventory of hers I still had. Nancy and I had a great, though short-lived working relationship and made friends in the process. I sold a little of her work for her and we ended our business relationship on very good terms. Plus, I made another new friend. Hi, Joe! Hope you found me.

I feel good about that.

I'm prepared for the upcoming surgery and am eager to get it over with and start the process of recovery. Ya'll remind me of that two weeks from now when I'm wanting to kill my physical therapist! I feel good about that.

And there's one thing for sure. I'm not "asleep in Jesus" yet. And let me tell you, I feel very good about that!