I''m Still Here!

I'm still here on this crazy blue planet with all it's wonderful characters. I've been out of touch with blogging and am eager to get reconnected with all my blogger friends.

I'm enjoying being at Roberta's and she's had plenty of work to keep me busy. I will be having another knee surgery; hopefully right after I move into my own place at the end of the month. It's very discouraging to have to go through another surgery and recovery, but Iwill be sober and I hope my recovery will be quick.

Here are some pictures from the past few weeks:

Rain and Mist and Magick

Tiptoeing around the house since 4:30 am so as not to wake Roberta. It is rainy and windy and Montana has obviously not been informed that summer is officially here. I am mostly settled in to my new space and I have to admit that for a homeless person, I ain't doing so badly.

As lucky and wealthy as I am I see it everywhere: the injustice. The same old scenario that we humans have been acting out for centuries - I must have more than you. I will have more than you. You are less than me. It makes me weary; I romanticize alcohol because when I drink I don't have to think about it anymore. But alcohol has become too painful an escape, as painful for those who love me as it is for me. As I remain sober, I must face these injustices. I must travel through the murky water to find the sparkling pool of clarity and then the courage to act on it. I must not bury my head in the bottle, or the boyfriend, or the chocolate cake . Too easy.

For those unable to face themselves, hard times are coming. Well, actually, they're here, aren't they? And in the meantime I play catch up as fast as I can because I don't know how I know, or why I know, or why it took me so long to know - but I know I have a role to play and more than anything in the world I want to play it consciously. I follow the good energy and I know it won't lead me astray.

I have an appointment for a 2nd opinion on my knee this morning and I look forward to the drive along the west shore of Flathead Lake in the rain and mist and magick. Have you taken time to look at the earth lately? To feel her trees and splash in her water and thank her for the life she provides for us? I believe she's had quite enough of our torture. Be sure and show her some real love today.

Clarification and Knee Magic

Thanks to everyone who's left responses to my last post. Especially you, Miss Olivia. Who says O stands for Oprah??

I'm afraid I allowed my love of drama in writing to influence the language of my last post. I wrote: I am homeless. I am virtually broke and I have no health insurance. Well, I'm not really homeless. The other part? The broke and no health insurance part? That's true, but so are a lot of other people and at this time, in our country, starting at $0 may not be such a bad place. I would be homeless if it weren't for my family and friends in Georgia and my community in Polson. You can't buy that with all the $$ in the world.

In the meantime, I've got some standing up to do. Finally. Some standing up for myelf, declaring my place in this crazy world and then letting it all go. Do ya'll get that's how it works? You have to be willing to let it all go. Good thing I've got lots of practice!!

I hasn't escaped my notice that in my recovery each time I come back to my intention for the first direction of the medicine wheel, the East, which is self-care, the universe moves into motion for me. I committed to not drinking and to focusing on my physical health and my physical health, with my knee, is playing a huge part in this hilarious samsara. Source - he/she/it really does have a sense of humor.

Goddess Rock

I found this rock on the shores of Flathead Lake one afternoon on a much needed break from the Sunrise Vista Inn. Now, I don't know if you believe in signs, portents or messages from some other beyond. I don't know if I do either. But in my heart, I'm beginning to wonder. At the very least I have decided to heed the messages regardless where they may or may not come from. They seem to have my best interests as a top priority; something that has eluded my own sincere efforts for quite some time now.

Clear sight can come as a great shock. I have been shown so much in the past few weeks that I can hardly keep up. I found myself embroiled in a situation over which the more control I exerted the worse it seemed to become. God. It was all so confusing and twisted and muddy. Much of it still is and I'm sure only our dear friend time can begin to unravel the mysteries inherent in our human nature and the behavior it produces.

A few things, however, have become perfectly clear. Those are the ones I'm heeding. And I breathe. Deeply. A lot. The owners of the Sunrise Vista Inn cancelled our contract on Monday morning. I did not see that coming until the very last minute. Their words are ones of regret and sympathy and I think they want to be well-meaning, but their actions speak otherwise. I am moving, again, by the 18th of June. This will be my third move in a year.

About the time I found that beautiful goddess rock, a little lump began to form just above one of the scars left from last year's knee surgery. It continued to grow and became pretty painful. I went to the doctor on Monday and they recommend another surgery to figure out exactly what's going on. I did not see that coming until the very last minute. I am homeless. I am virtually broke and I have no health insurance. Those are just the facts, ma'am.

I held it together in the doctor's office, determined to put on a strong and courageous face. When I got to my car I let the tears come, panic rolling over me in wave after wave. Then, a few minutes of calm. Then more panic. I got on the phone. Have you ever heard the term drink and dial? It's a term for those of us who would occassionally (yes, that is meant sarcastically) have too much to drink and decide we needed to call anyone and everyone who might talk with us no matter the time of day or night or what in the world might be going on in their lives at the time!That's what you have to do to stay sober, too. Only leave off the drink part.

Even in the midst of the panic I felt, I knew that forces were in motion that were guiding me, protecting me and loving me and gently leading me forward. I observed myself attempting to go into self-pity and guilt and blame, but those things just don't feel that comfortable anymore. I realized that I am actually very simple. I want to be in a community where I feel nurtured and needed; I want to tend to the earth in whatever small way I can; I want to write my heart and my experience. I want to begin to fully participate in all the kindnesses that come my way and there are many.

Here are some random pictures from this little short-lived adventure which I will leave with clear sight and grounded emotions:

Just the Facts, Ma'am.

Tomorrow I will have four months without alcohol. The job at the Sunrise Vista Inn is over and I am beginning packing to move. I am going to have to have a re-do on my knee surgery of last year. I am breathing. I am breathing. I am breathing. In and out. In. And. Out.

Universe, I am wide awake and at your service.

Saturday Gig

This is what I get to do on Saturday's now. I've been working at one of the local flower shops for a few weeks - just five hours on Saturday. But this week the owner is on vacation so I'm
working Wed/Thur/Fri from 9-5:30, then Sat. 10-3, then Mon/Tue/Wed 9-5:30.

I believe that being on my feet for five hours straight is what set off the pain syndrome I went into, which has blessedly been much better in the past week. But I have to admit to being a little nervous about this much work, this much standing time so many days in a row and still only four months after surgery.

I've been doing massage on Saturday immediately following work and that seems to be making a big difference so I'll continue with that. Also, the strain/counterstrain technique worked very well for me so I have another appointment for that.

I've been interested in the mind/body connection for a long time and what I've been doing along with the physical therapy is releasing the emotions behind the pain. I believe that until I do that, I may be looking at being in some considerable pain the rest of my life. Fortunately, it's working. My massage therapist is helping me with it and I'm using the technique Eckhart Tolle describes of bringing presence to the pain and the emotions behind it, many of which are very old. It seems I have a very heavy pain-body, which is not a good or bad thing, just a thing. I also think the same technique is helping me with other issues I've discussed in the past - maybe more about that later. :)

What do you think about emotions causing physical pain?

A Quick Hello from Big Sky Country

One massage and one acupuncture session have gone a long way towards decreasing my pain and getting me moving again. Pretty amazing things, these "alternative" therapies that have really been around for thousands of years.

I'm in a place in my life where I'm finding over and over again that doors close for a reason. I attribute this to paying at least a little bit of attention to what's going on around me. I was pretty angry at my knee doctors, but I realize now that if they'd renewed my prescription for pain meds, I would've taken the easy way and probably actually gotten worse as I wouldn't have been treating the core condition (which I am convinced is just as I thought - an unbalanced body structure due to recovery from knee surgery). As it turned out, I was forced to do the things that will make a real difference to my healing, and they're working.

Now, if I could just get to the point where I make these decisions on my own, before I'm forced to, well, that will be a good thing, won't it?

I've been working six days a week for the past three weeks and I'm realizing that it's just too much. I should be able to start taking Monday's off in a few weeks and am so absolutely excited about having two days off this long weekend. The cowboy and I were going to go kayaking, but it looks like the weather isn't going to cooperate and it's probably for the best. I need some time to putter, to play in the dirt and maybe mop the floors and read and possibly catch a movie and catch up with my friends and family and definitely cook and just stop to rest and breathe when I need to.

I appreciate the comments and suggestions I received after my last post. I also hope, this weekend, to have time to catch up with some of my favorite bloggers. What fun things do you have planned for the weekend?

Knee Update

I haven't really wanted to post about this because, well, because I kept hoping it would improve or go away entirely, but it hasn't. Three weeks ago, my first day working at the florist and on my feet for five hours, I was in extreme pain when I left. Not my knee necessarily, both legs and feet hurt and my hips were bothering me as well. I thought I just overdid it that day and slowed down my exercises and walking because that's what the knee doc has told me to do in the past when the pain flared back up to that extent. I still had a few pain pills left and was able to take them in halves along with ibruprofen and ease the pain enough to at least sleep. I took the last pain pill last week and since then I haven't slept a night through. I toss and turn and writhe around trying to find a comfortable position - my legs, knees and hips ache horribly and ibuprofen doesn't touch it.

So I made another appointment at the Bone & Joint clinic. The surgeon wasn't available so I saw a PA that assisted with the surgery and that I had seen before. In the past, he was understanding and responsive, but yesterday was a different story. I explained to him what I had been experiencing, and my theory that my body has gotten way out of balance due to the surgery and isn't able to right itself. I have an old injury in my left hip from a car accident that's caused me a little arthiritis trouble in the past and I think with the knee surgery in the left leg also, it's just gotten everything inflamed. "No way, he said. Your knee surgery would not be causing this kind of pain. You need to go get checked for lupus or rhuematoid arthiritis." Does this seem as ludicrous to me as it does to you? He gave me a prescripton for Tramadol, acetameniphine with a non-narcotic pain killer. So far, it hasn't helped and they're unwilling to prescibe more Percocet which did at least help. Two things about this scenario really make me angry. One is that their attitude seems to be one of "we're done with you." Two is that they're unwilling to prescribe a medication that would help. I realize they have to be careful with folks on narcotic medication, but I had the last prescription of 30 for two months. Does that sound like I'm addicted?

I fully realize that pain medicaiton is not the answer, but until I find a better answer, it sure would be nice to get a little relief and some decent sleep. I start getting crazy when I'm sleep-deprived (as I'm sure everyone does) and it's starting to set in. I wonder how much the long hours on my feet may have to do with this - even though right now it's only once a week. Here's my current plan: I'm going to resume my massages and continue with the medication they gave me plus ibuprofen (this is fine, I asked). It really hurts to walk, but I think I must try and keep up some exercise so I'm going to try and walk at least 30 minutes a day. I may go ahead and make an appt. with my primary doc, but I'm conflicted about this due to my financial situation and the fact that I have a preconceived notion they'll want to do lots of unnecessary tests that won't make a damned bit of difference in the long run. I'm 99.9% sure I do not have lupus or rheumatoid arthiritis and I think it was pretty unethical of the guy to even mention such things when he really doesn't have a clue.

I'm mainly posting this here in case anyone out there may have some additional suggestions. Pain takes over everything when you're in it.