Friday, June 12, 2009

Goddess Rock

I found this rock on the shores of Flathead Lake one afternoon on a much needed break from the Sunrise Vista Inn. Now, I don't know if you believe in signs, portents or messages from some other beyond. I don't know if I do either. But in my heart, I'm beginning to wonder. At the very least I have decided to heed the messages regardless where they may or may not come from. They seem to have my best interests as a top priority; something that has eluded my own sincere efforts for quite some time now.

Clear sight can come as a great shock. I have been shown so much in the past few weeks that I can hardly keep up. I found myself embroiled in a situation over which the more control I exerted the worse it seemed to become. God. It was all so confusing and twisted and muddy. Much of it still is and I'm sure only our dear friend time can begin to unravel the mysteries inherent in our human nature and the behavior it produces.

A few things, however, have become perfectly clear. Those are the ones I'm heeding. And I breathe. Deeply. A lot. The owners of the Sunrise Vista Inn cancelled our contract on Monday morning. I did not see that coming until the very last minute. Their words are ones of regret and sympathy and I think they want to be well-meaning, but their actions speak otherwise. I am moving, again, by the 18th of June. This will be my third move in a year.

About the time I found that beautiful goddess rock, a little lump began to form just above one of the scars left from last year's knee surgery. It continued to grow and became pretty painful. I went to the doctor on Monday and they recommend another surgery to figure out exactly what's going on. I did not see that coming until the very last minute. I am homeless. I am virtually broke and I have no health insurance. Those are just the facts, ma'am.

I held it together in the doctor's office, determined to put on a strong and courageous face. When I got to my car I let the tears come, panic rolling over me in wave after wave. Then, a few minutes of calm. Then more panic. I got on the phone. Have you ever heard the term drink and dial? It's a term for those of us who would occassionally (yes, that is meant sarcastically) have too much to drink and decide we needed to call anyone and everyone who might talk with us no matter the time of day or night or what in the world might be going on in their lives at the time!That's what you have to do to stay sober, too. Only leave off the drink part.

Even in the midst of the panic I felt, I knew that forces were in motion that were guiding me, protecting me and loving me and gently leading me forward. I observed myself attempting to go into self-pity and guilt and blame, but those things just don't feel that comfortable anymore. I realized that I am actually very simple. I want to be in a community where I feel nurtured and needed; I want to tend to the earth in whatever small way I can; I want to write my heart and my experience. I want to begin to fully participate in all the kindnesses that come my way and there are many.

Here are some random pictures from this little short-lived adventure which I will leave with clear sight and grounded emotions:


Jules said...

Oh, Angela. You have a LOT going on. I am sending healing thoughts your way.

Angela said...

Thanks, Julie. Like the new picture.

Olivia said...

I wish I could offer something more to you Angela; you have my support and my prayers and my love. I am glad that you called when you needed to instead of drinking.

I will pray for a solution for you. Just one word of unasked for advice. If you explain to your surgeon about your situation she/he may have some ideas---they might even do your surgery for free. Also your community might have a program for low-income people...ours does, called Project Access, which qualifies patients and then spreads them out over all participating physicians (most do participate) so that the medical community shares in the economic cost. Just some ideas.

Anyway, I'm so glad you're out of that situation. And into one that will be better, I'm sure. I will be thinking of you, and praying for you in the days ahead that the right situation opens up.

Much love,


vicariousrising said...

Sorry to hear about the bad happenings, but you seem to be handling them well. I love you goddess rock.

I'm going to be in a women's writing workshop this week that has a lot of classes using holistic and spiritual techniques. Some of them are on healing as well. I'm going to one class that I'll even get to make a "soul doll". I'm not even sure what that is, but I think it sounds fun.

I'll be thinking of you and your openminded approach to recovery. Be well.

Anybeth said...

sending you hugs, and kisses too if needed. you'll get through it, I know you will.

miss*R said...

I just want to say that I am given so many, many signs and still I question. I admire you for heeding the messages.. that is a difficult thing to do.. that is faith as far as I am concerned! well done you!

hold tight to that Goddess Rock, it may be a power stone for you. I just think you are an amazing strong woman, I really do. thanks so much for the comments over the past weeks too xo