Clear sight can come as a great shock. I have been shown so much in the past few weeks that I can hardly keep up. I found myself embroiled in a situation over which the more control I exerted the worse it seemed to become. God. It was all so confusing and twisted and muddy. Much of it still is and I'm sure only our dear friend time can begin to unravel the mysteries inherent in our human nature and the behavior it produces.
A few things, however, have become perfectly clear. Those are the ones I'm heeding. And I breathe. Deeply. A lot. The owners of the Sunrise Vista Inn cancelled our contract on Monday morning. I did not see that coming until the very last minute. Their words are ones of regret and sympathy and I think they want to be well-meaning, but their actions speak otherwise. I am moving, again, by the 18th of June. This will be my third move in a year.
About the time I found that beautiful goddess rock, a little lump began to form just above one of the scars left from last year's knee surgery. It continued to grow and became pretty painful. I went to the doctor on Monday and they recommend another surgery to figure out exactly what's going on. I did not see that coming until the very last minute. I am homeless. I am virtually broke and I have no health insurance. Those are just the facts, ma'am.
I held it together in the doctor's office, determined to put on a strong and courageous face. When I got to my car I let the tears come, panic rolling over me in wave after wave. Then, a few minutes of calm. Then more panic. I got on the phone. Have you ever heard the term drink and dial? It's a term for those of us who would occassionally (yes, that is meant sarcastically) have too much to drink and decide we needed to call anyone and everyone who might talk with us no matter the time of day or night or what in the world might be going on in their lives at the time!That's what you have to do to stay sober, too. Only leave off the drink part.
Even in the midst of the panic I felt, I knew that forces were in motion that were guiding me, protecting me and loving me and gently leading me forward. I observed myself attempting to go into self-pity and guilt and blame, but those things just don't feel that comfortable anymore. I realized that I am actually very simple. I want to be in a community where I feel nurtured and needed; I want to tend to the earth in whatever small way I can; I want to write my heart and my experience. I want to begin to fully participate in all the kindnesses that come my way and there are many.
Here are some random pictures from this little short-lived adventure which I will leave with clear sight and grounded emotions: