Sunday, May 31, 2009

Overheard at the Inn







"Maybe when you're just sitting around with nothing to do you could come back here and rake up these pinecones."









"Might want to hit these dandelions, too."






It's a really good thing I love my new biceps!

Seen in the laundry room:

Hey, a girl's gotta have some fun.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Some Pictures








The owner's house as seen from the dock on Flathead Lake. Heretofore this will be called the "big house."










View from the dock of the big house looking southeast at sunset.










View of and from my house. Same view as the Sunrise Vista Inn.
















Sunday, May 24, 2009

This Is My Treatment


May 24, 2009 - 102 days of sobriety


I'm taking a break from playing in the dirt and thought it was about time I wrote a blog post. When I took this job as manager of the Sunrise Vista Inn, I deferred some of the treatment actions I had in place - namely, mental health and chemical dependency counseling. I had some concerns about stopping counseling altogether so I call it "deferring" and I may go back in the fall. When I discussed it with Brent he said, "Baby, this is your treatment," referring to the job.
The majority of the work here is hard physical labor: making beds, scrubbing floors, weed-eating, watering, vacuuming, dusting. Most days I hurt like hell, but I have dropped a few pounds and I realized the other day that I actually have biceps. I just stared at them as if they were foreign creatures come to live in my skin. The focus for my time in the East, which will end in about a month, is to maintain good self-care and regain my physical health. I had begun making progress in this area by stopping drinking and going to the gym, but the Sunrise Vista Inn has whipped me right into shape!
On the days when I am able to be brutally honest with myself, I know that a large part of the reason I'm overoworked and underpaid, why I haven't been able to develop the talents and gifts I was given, why I have not been able to settle down and be happy, is because I did not/could not stop drinking after I relapsed in 1994. But I'm still here and that's more than most alcoholics my age can say. This point was brought painfully home recently when I learned that one of my best friend's brother-in-law died on his 50th birthday by falling off a hotel balcony while intoxicated. I know there's only one thing that has kept me from befalling a similar fate: luck, which I also choose to call grace. It reminds me that the foundation to recovery from alcoholism is abstinence. I don't know about people who are able to "learn" to drink moderately, or are healed into it; chasing that goal almost took my life. I'm not saying it can't be done, but I sincerely hope I'm done trying it. In cases like my friend's brother-in-law, I always blame the alcoholism and never the alcoholic. The only alcoholic I continue to blame is myself. I've got to stop that.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Beautiful Fucked Up Man



The past three weeks have been a whirlwind and I am reeling. It's beginning to look like I may lose my partner in this venture. Brent has been volatile, angry, and uncommunicative, and he's been creating so much tension that it's not worth the effort. He worked like crazy and then he decided he was done and he hasn't lifted a finger since. I spend half my time cooking for him or cleaning up after him or trying to get him to do some simple thing - like the one thing that would really, really help me out, and he refuses. He had "words" with the owner's wife on Saturday which of course was delightful for me to deal with when I met with the owner Sunday. His attitude is affecting everyone and while I don't know what I'll do about the maintenance work he was to provide, I can't be treated like a second-class citizen in my own home. Forget it, buddy. I've got better things to do. He gathered his things and left in a huff when I told him he was just creating more work for me. I sat at the table and ate the venison steaks with wild rice pilaf that I had cooked for us, the sauteed kale with peppers and tomatoes and balsamic vinegar - good aged vinegar, and watched the whitecaps on the tiny piece of lake I can see, just beyond the million dollar monstrosity that's kind of in the way. The house was peaceful. The wind picked up again and an eagle caught the current. The house was peaceful.


I'm very disappointed and I hope he'll come around and decide to play with the rest of the adults, but I have my doubts. I specifically discussed this very scenario with Brent before I took the job and he assured me he would be here, that he wouldn't leave me hanging. Guess what? I'm hanging. My drinking was a deal-breaker for Brent and the gynormous chip on his shoulder is a deal-breaker for me. I hate Dr. Phil, but he's right about some things. I've been sober 91 days and I'll be damned if I'll drink over any of this. It's time for me to believe in myself and amazingly, I do.


Brent's anger seems to be due to feeling like the owners are taking advantage of us. I'm not sure he's wrong, but the jury is still out for me. I'm still hoping that if I do a good job, which I will, that they will make it worth my while. I'm basically working for pennies right now, it just happens to be a few more pennies than I was making previously. When the owners do things like tell me at the interview that I'm only responsible for my yard's upkeep and then change it to the entire motel area and roadside after I take the job, or when they nitpick the price of a decent vacuum cleaner by saying we don't need a commercial vacuum (hello? I thought we were running a business here), or when they whine and complain about money going out and not coming in like it's my fault when Brent had to rebuild three showers just to get the rooms rentable, well, I have to wonder, don't I? And by the way, there are rooms ready and the phone isn't exactly ringing off the hook. I have to wonder if I'm in for a big screwing of the kind I'm absolutely not interested in. And what I don't need on top of it is my partner taking it all out on me and in fact treating me much worse than they do.

I should be feeling very alone and abandoned, but I don't. I finally feel the love and support that my family, friends and ancestors have been offering me all along. I'm not alone. Unceasing engagement is the key: engage through the pain, through all the uncomfortable feelings, engage through arguments and disagreements and philosophical differences; engage through love that devours you and engage through hate that is not real. The love will still be there, but it comes in a more gentle form and it is love that provides the peace that passeth all understanding. Oh dear, I just quoted the bible. Will wonders never cease?