Sunrise Vista Inn - The End

I wrote several weeks ago about taking the owner of the Sunrise Vista Inn to court for breach of contract. What a fiasco. I was unable to take him to small claims court because the contract we signed was an employment contract and in Montana an employee can be let go for any or no reason whatsoever within the first six months of employment. Considering that my employment was only scheduled for five months, it seemed that I was without recourse.

I refused to give up, however, knowing that I had been used, taken advantage of and discarded in a way that I couldn't let pass. I figured out that the owner hired out the job that way in order to avoid paying payroll taxes and workers compensation premiums and I contacted the Montana and U.S. Departments of Labor, thinking they would have some interest in his "shrewd" business tactics. At the very least I hoped to keep the same thing from happening to someone else.

The U. S. Department of Labor convinced him to cough up some money for me, although it was only about a third of what I figured I was rightly owed. At least it was something and hopefully it got the point across that someone is paying attention and is not afraid to pursue compensation. I doubt the owner will suffer any consequences beyond cutting me that final check, but I learned something about myself which is also helping me in my struggle with alcoholism. I learned that I can stand up for myself, I can take action where I see wrong, and I can make a difference, at least in my life. A powerless person wouldn't have done that. Pursuing that action, despite much advice to let it go and move on, allowed me to find a strength I didn't know I had. By all outward appearances, he was the fine upstanding citizen and I was pretty much nothing. Outward appearances can be very deceiving. They can also be very empowering. What the owner failed to realize is that I really had nothing to lose at that point. All the things that were so important to him - his reputation in the community, his social contacts and big house, his need to be seen as the BIG MAN helping out the little guy, none of those things matter a whit to me.

Clarification and Knee Magic

Thanks to everyone who's left responses to my last post. Especially you, Miss Olivia. Who says O stands for Oprah??

I'm afraid I allowed my love of drama in writing to influence the language of my last post. I wrote: I am homeless. I am virtually broke and I have no health insurance. Well, I'm not really homeless. The other part? The broke and no health insurance part? That's true, but so are a lot of other people and at this time, in our country, starting at $0 may not be such a bad place. I would be homeless if it weren't for my family and friends in Georgia and my community in Polson. You can't buy that with all the $$ in the world.

In the meantime, I've got some standing up to do. Finally. Some standing up for myelf, declaring my place in this crazy world and then letting it all go. Do ya'll get that's how it works? You have to be willing to let it all go. Good thing I've got lots of practice!!

I hasn't escaped my notice that in my recovery each time I come back to my intention for the first direction of the medicine wheel, the East, which is self-care, the universe moves into motion for me. I committed to not drinking and to focusing on my physical health and my physical health, with my knee, is playing a huge part in this hilarious samsara. Source - he/she/it really does have a sense of humor.

Goddess Rock

I found this rock on the shores of Flathead Lake one afternoon on a much needed break from the Sunrise Vista Inn. Now, I don't know if you believe in signs, portents or messages from some other beyond. I don't know if I do either. But in my heart, I'm beginning to wonder. At the very least I have decided to heed the messages regardless where they may or may not come from. They seem to have my best interests as a top priority; something that has eluded my own sincere efforts for quite some time now.

Clear sight can come as a great shock. I have been shown so much in the past few weeks that I can hardly keep up. I found myself embroiled in a situation over which the more control I exerted the worse it seemed to become. God. It was all so confusing and twisted and muddy. Much of it still is and I'm sure only our dear friend time can begin to unravel the mysteries inherent in our human nature and the behavior it produces.

A few things, however, have become perfectly clear. Those are the ones I'm heeding. And I breathe. Deeply. A lot. The owners of the Sunrise Vista Inn cancelled our contract on Monday morning. I did not see that coming until the very last minute. Their words are ones of regret and sympathy and I think they want to be well-meaning, but their actions speak otherwise. I am moving, again, by the 18th of June. This will be my third move in a year.

About the time I found that beautiful goddess rock, a little lump began to form just above one of the scars left from last year's knee surgery. It continued to grow and became pretty painful. I went to the doctor on Monday and they recommend another surgery to figure out exactly what's going on. I did not see that coming until the very last minute. I am homeless. I am virtually broke and I have no health insurance. Those are just the facts, ma'am.

I held it together in the doctor's office, determined to put on a strong and courageous face. When I got to my car I let the tears come, panic rolling over me in wave after wave. Then, a few minutes of calm. Then more panic. I got on the phone. Have you ever heard the term drink and dial? It's a term for those of us who would occassionally (yes, that is meant sarcastically) have too much to drink and decide we needed to call anyone and everyone who might talk with us no matter the time of day or night or what in the world might be going on in their lives at the time!That's what you have to do to stay sober, too. Only leave off the drink part.

Even in the midst of the panic I felt, I knew that forces were in motion that were guiding me, protecting me and loving me and gently leading me forward. I observed myself attempting to go into self-pity and guilt and blame, but those things just don't feel that comfortable anymore. I realized that I am actually very simple. I want to be in a community where I feel nurtured and needed; I want to tend to the earth in whatever small way I can; I want to write my heart and my experience. I want to begin to fully participate in all the kindnesses that come my way and there are many.

Here are some random pictures from this little short-lived adventure which I will leave with clear sight and grounded emotions:

Just the Facts, Ma'am.

Tomorrow I will have four months without alcohol. The job at the Sunrise Vista Inn is over and I am beginning packing to move. I am going to have to have a re-do on my knee surgery of last year. I am breathing. I am breathing. I am breathing. In and out. In. And. Out.

Universe, I am wide awake and at your service.

Overheard at the Inn

"Maybe when you're just sitting around with nothing to do you could come back here and rake up these pinecones."

"Might want to hit these dandelions, too."

It's a really good thing I love my new biceps!

Seen in the laundry room:

Hey, a girl's gotta have some fun.

Some Pictures

The owner's house as seen from the dock on Flathead Lake. Heretofore this will be called the "big house."

View from the dock of the big house looking southeast at sunset.

View of and from my house. Same view as the Sunrise Vista Inn.

This Is My Treatment

May 24, 2009 - 102 days of sobriety

I'm taking a break from playing in the dirt and thought it was about time I wrote a blog post. When I took this job as manager of the Sunrise Vista Inn, I deferred some of the treatment actions I had in place - namely, mental health and chemical dependency counseling. I had some concerns about stopping counseling altogether so I call it "deferring" and I may go back in the fall. When I discussed it with Brent he said, "Baby, this is your treatment," referring to the job.

The majority of the work here is hard physical labor: making beds, scrubbing floors, weed-eating, watering, vacuuming, dusting. Most days I hurt like hell, but I have dropped a few pounds and I realized the other day that I actually have biceps. I just stared at them as if they were foreign creatures come to live in my skin. The focus for my time in the East, which will end in about a month, is to maintain good self-care and regain my physical health. I had begun making progress in this area by stopping drinking and going to the gym, but the Sunrise Vista Inn has whipped me right into shape!

On the days when I am able to be brutally honest with myself, I know that a large part of the reason I'm overoworked and underpaid, why I haven't been able to develop the talents and gifts I was given, why I have not been able to settle down and be happy, is because I did not/could not stop drinking after I relapsed in 1994. But I'm still here and that's more than most alcoholics my age can say. This point was brought painfully home recently when I learned that one of my best friend's brother-in-law died on his 50th birthday by falling off a hotel balcony while intoxicated. I know there's only one thing that has kept me from befalling a similar fate: luck, which I also choose to call grace. It reminds me that the foundation to recovery from alcoholism is abstinence. I don't know about people who are able to "learn" to drink moderately, or are healed into it; chasing that goal almost took my life. I'm not saying it can't be done, but I sincerely hope I'm done trying it. In cases like my friend's brother-in-law, I always blame the alcoholism and never the alcoholic. The only alcoholic I continue to blame is myself. I've got to stop that.

Beautiful Fucked Up Man

The past three weeks have been a whirlwind and I am reeling. It's beginning to look like I may lose my partner in this venture. Brent has been volatile, angry, and uncommunicative, and he's been creating so much tension that it's not worth the effort. He worked like crazy and then he decided he was done and he hasn't lifted a finger since. I spend half my time cooking for him or cleaning up after him or trying to get him to do some simple thing - like the one thing that would really, really help me out, and he refuses. He had "words" with the owner's wife on Saturday which of course was delightful for me to deal with when I met with the owner Sunday. His attitude is affecting everyone and while I don't know what I'll do about the maintenance work he was to provide, I can't be treated like a second-class citizen in my own home. Forget it, buddy. I've got better things to do. He gathered his things and left in a huff when I told him he was just creating more work for me. I sat at the table and ate the venison steaks with wild rice pilaf that I had cooked for us, the sauteed kale with peppers and tomatoes and balsamic vinegar - good aged vinegar, and watched the whitecaps on the tiny piece of lake I can see, just beyond the million dollar monstrosity that's kind of in the way. The house was peaceful. The wind picked up again and an eagle caught the current. The house was peaceful.

I'm very disappointed and I hope he'll come around and decide to play with the rest of the adults, but I have my doubts. I specifically discussed this very scenario with Brent before I took the job and he assured me he would be here, that he wouldn't leave me hanging. Guess what? I'm hanging. My drinking was a deal-breaker for Brent and the gynormous chip on his shoulder is a deal-breaker for me. I hate Dr. Phil, but he's right about some things. I've been sober 91 days and I'll be damned if I'll drink over any of this. It's time for me to believe in myself and amazingly, I do.

Brent's anger seems to be due to feeling like the owners are taking advantage of us. I'm not sure he's wrong, but the jury is still out for me. I'm still hoping that if I do a good job, which I will, that they will make it worth my while. I'm basically working for pennies right now, it just happens to be a few more pennies than I was making previously. When the owners do things like tell me at the interview that I'm only responsible for my yard's upkeep and then change it to the entire motel area and roadside after I take the job, or when they nitpick the price of a decent vacuum cleaner by saying we don't need a commercial vacuum (hello? I thought we were running a business here), or when they whine and complain about money going out and not coming in like it's my fault when Brent had to rebuild three showers just to get the rooms rentable, well, I have to wonder, don't I? And by the way, there are rooms ready and the phone isn't exactly ringing off the hook. I have to wonder if I'm in for a big screwing of the kind I'm absolutely not interested in. And what I don't need on top of it is my partner taking it all out on me and in fact treating me much worse than they do.

I should be feeling very alone and abandoned, but I don't. I finally feel the love and support that my family, friends and ancestors have been offering me all along. I'm not alone. Unceasing engagement is the key: engage through the pain, through all the uncomfortable feelings, engage through arguments and disagreements and philosophical differences; engage through love that devours you and engage through hate that is not real. The love will still be there, but it comes in a more gentle form and it is love that provides the peace that passeth all understanding. Oh dear, I just quoted the bible. Will wonders never cease?

Sunrise Vista Inn

So here's a picture of my little house. See that roof-line in the background? That's the owner's house and trust me, that's a tiny piece of it. On the other side is Flathead Lake and views of the Swan Range which I will post soon.

I wanted to do before and after pictures of everything Brent and I do to the place, but that boy works so fast I can hardly keep up with him. His first big project was re-building the little arbor over the entrance to the office and he ripped that thing down before I had a chance to photograph it. Here's halfway through:

We've painted the laundry room, bedroom and kitchen now and Brent's done some landscaping work. Today the new vinyl flooring (for god's sake don't call it linoleum if you don't want to date yourself!) and carpet are being laid. Still to be done is shampooing the carpet that's not being replaced, figuring out something for the inside of the kitchen cabinets which I don't think I can live with the way they are (any ideas?), finish any painting and try to talk Rex (the owner) into replacing the kitchen sink. Brent is very high-energy and it's been a challenge working with him. His ability to get things done, and fast, is impressive but his approach with his co-workers (um, that would be me) could use some work. Do you know you can kill more flies with honey than with vinegar? Honey's dripping all over.

Have I mentioned there's not a level floor in the place? Check this out:

This is the back door and part of the yard, which is fenced all around and sits at the bottom of a little hill, actually the whole thing sits at the bottom of a hill! It's kind of like being in a vortex and and there's no fixing that. But, hey, it's all an adventure anyway. And finally, the hotel:

I spend most of my time vacillating between being very excited and wondering what in the hell I've gotten myself into. All your prayers will be appreciated.

Spring Sobriety

This was the view at sunrise yesterday morning. I'm going to miss it. I'm going to miss Polson. I'll only be 40 miles north, but in Montana you learn quickly that you're a long way from anywhere. That's why we like it.

I was up early to meet Brent in Lakeside and paint a couple of the rooms in the house where I'm moving. It's one of those houses where you don't realize how much needs to be done until you start doing it. We painted the bedroom and laundry room and Sunday we're painting the kitchen. There's a new piece of carpet coming in and new linoleum in the kitchen and laundry. Still, it's kinda old and kinda funky, and I think I'm going to love it.

The little side yard actually gets sun almost all day. I already have my veggie, edible flower and herb list to purchase seeds so I can get them planted as soon as I'm moved in. Brent is going to make some planter boxes and there are tons of containers already at the place. The yard is really sloped so planting directly into the soil would be difficult. I am so looking forward to growing some of my own food! I've never grown much besides a few herbs, flowers and plants so it's going to be a new adventure. I'm even trying to talk Brent into some laying hens so we can have fresh organic eggs. If he goes for that, a goat for goat's milk is next.

I want to tell ya'll a funny story. Brent and I were taking a break from painting yesterday and we saw a woman, a rather middle-aged, rather frumpy plump lass walking down the sidewalk with a stack of neatly folded towels in her arms. She was working at another hotel in town and Brent said, "Oh, look honey, there you are." referring to my new position which will indeed include laundering, folding and delivering towels. Immediately my comforting visions of myself as the inn-keeper, the gracious hostess, the person who really makes a place special, the organic gardener, came crashing down around my head. Dripping sarcasm, I said, "Thanks, Brent. I was trying to color that a little differently." We met eyes for a moment and both started laughing out loud. The second thoughts I'd been having all morning, thoughts about the conditon of the place, how much really needs to be done in the house, the work, the learning curve (I don't make a perfect bed!) - just poof, disappeared. Suddenly it didn't matter that I've never run an inn, or cleaned professionally, or worked in a hotel because I know I'm going in with very few, if any, illusions. I'm up for it. I think I'm really up for it. I'm also marking this post so I can return to it in the middle of July when I haven't had a break for god knows when and I want to drop in a heap, so I can remind myself that I was really, really up for it!


Sobriety makes the whole world possible.