Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Beautiful Fucked Up Man



The past three weeks have been a whirlwind and I am reeling. It's beginning to look like I may lose my partner in this venture. Brent has been volatile, angry, and uncommunicative, and he's been creating so much tension that it's not worth the effort. He worked like crazy and then he decided he was done and he hasn't lifted a finger since. I spend half my time cooking for him or cleaning up after him or trying to get him to do some simple thing - like the one thing that would really, really help me out, and he refuses. He had "words" with the owner's wife on Saturday which of course was delightful for me to deal with when I met with the owner Sunday. His attitude is affecting everyone and while I don't know what I'll do about the maintenance work he was to provide, I can't be treated like a second-class citizen in my own home. Forget it, buddy. I've got better things to do. He gathered his things and left in a huff when I told him he was just creating more work for me. I sat at the table and ate the venison steaks with wild rice pilaf that I had cooked for us, the sauteed kale with peppers and tomatoes and balsamic vinegar - good aged vinegar, and watched the whitecaps on the tiny piece of lake I can see, just beyond the million dollar monstrosity that's kind of in the way. The house was peaceful. The wind picked up again and an eagle caught the current. The house was peaceful.


I'm very disappointed and I hope he'll come around and decide to play with the rest of the adults, but I have my doubts. I specifically discussed this very scenario with Brent before I took the job and he assured me he would be here, that he wouldn't leave me hanging. Guess what? I'm hanging. My drinking was a deal-breaker for Brent and the gynormous chip on his shoulder is a deal-breaker for me. I hate Dr. Phil, but he's right about some things. I've been sober 91 days and I'll be damned if I'll drink over any of this. It's time for me to believe in myself and amazingly, I do.


Brent's anger seems to be due to feeling like the owners are taking advantage of us. I'm not sure he's wrong, but the jury is still out for me. I'm still hoping that if I do a good job, which I will, that they will make it worth my while. I'm basically working for pennies right now, it just happens to be a few more pennies than I was making previously. When the owners do things like tell me at the interview that I'm only responsible for my yard's upkeep and then change it to the entire motel area and roadside after I take the job, or when they nitpick the price of a decent vacuum cleaner by saying we don't need a commercial vacuum (hello? I thought we were running a business here), or when they whine and complain about money going out and not coming in like it's my fault when Brent had to rebuild three showers just to get the rooms rentable, well, I have to wonder, don't I? And by the way, there are rooms ready and the phone isn't exactly ringing off the hook. I have to wonder if I'm in for a big screwing of the kind I'm absolutely not interested in. And what I don't need on top of it is my partner taking it all out on me and in fact treating me much worse than they do.

I should be feeling very alone and abandoned, but I don't. I finally feel the love and support that my family, friends and ancestors have been offering me all along. I'm not alone. Unceasing engagement is the key: engage through the pain, through all the uncomfortable feelings, engage through arguments and disagreements and philosophical differences; engage through love that devours you and engage through hate that is not real. The love will still be there, but it comes in a more gentle form and it is love that provides the peace that passeth all understanding. Oh dear, I just quoted the bible. Will wonders never cease?









10 comments:

Anybeth said...

I'm sorry your adventure isn't coming out as blissful as you had hoped. But stick with it, and perhaps he'll come around, and guests will come around, and all will be well.
Glad you're not going to drink over it, and glad you're not throwing in the towel.

vicariousrising said...

Sorry that Brent is not adjusting well. I hope he can.

Your dinner sounds fabulous. Taking pleasure on the good stuff is the way to go.

Sherri said...

Aw, that sucks that you're having such a rough time. Men, bah. The unceasing engagement thing is good advice. If you stop engaging you start checking out.

Sounds like you have plenty of work to keep you busy, thanks to your greedy bosses. My husband works for a family company run just as you describe. They're millionaires, and they didn't get that way by providing health insurance or safe working conditions for their employees.

I'm glad you're feeling the love, glad it's keeping you buoyed. Here's some more. Everything will work out, I just know it. :)

Cindy said...

Hey Angel,

I'm envious! Sometimes I wish everyone would pack up and leave for a while. Love ya!

thailandchani said...

Hm. Truthfully? If Brent doesn't come around, learn from this experience and change his behavior, I'd be done, too. I always come back to the old bumper sticker from the 70s. "A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle."

Good luck! I do hope it works out and he comes around.



~*

Olivia said...

I feel pretty strongly about Brent, Angela. I think you don't need this, period. I am in a marriage with someone who struggles to support me when I need it and IT IS NOT WORTH IT!! You deserve to be with someone who can be there for you when the chips are down.

It also does sound like these employers might be screwing you over, but you are handling it so well by feeling and not drinking!

So young into your sobriety, you don't need a bunch of crap, IMHO.

I know that things will turn out well for you no matter what. Life is bringing you lessons to learn, and now you have the clarity to learn them.

I am VERY happy for you. YOU GO!

You sound very beautiful and happy!

Love,

O

Julie said...

Hi

Just caught up with your blog, I lost ya for a bit.
Do you think it is possible to draw up a contract between you and the owners over responsibilities, etc? It might be totally out there to ask, but then again, maybe sitting down and going over some of this stuff now might be better than later.

julesgp187 said...

Oi!! Good for you for not drinking; that ROCKS! Tough situation (men + work = blah). Hopefully things will get better soon. Just the fact that you are so mindful and not drinking is reason to cheer.

Linda said...

Ang,

I finally found your site without it giving me errors. You write beautifully! You have a wonderful way of using words and expressing yourself with that no-nonsense approach. I feel for ya as you expereince all this turmoil and uncertainty surrounding you. But what I see in you is this unwavering committment to sobriety and a lot of work done to come to place with such deserved self-respect. I know you will be alright, regardless of what life hands you. Just trust in your own abilities and that love from others you talked about. You are one inspiring lady. Don't let anyone take advantage of you. There's a fine line to what that is, don't you agree? I can tolerate some unfair deeds as long as I'm headed in the direction I want to go, but I draw a line when someone or something is creating a huge obstacle that makes it improbable or impossible for me to move forward. I believe in you! Thanks for sharing your journey :) Here and at the Lifering site.

Gabriella Moonlight said...

You know sometimes we just don't know I've realized that as I've gotten older, and no don't drink over it, not worth it...

I wish he was adjusting well and that it would work out quickly, but time sometimes just takes time...

stay strong, stay connected and the next time you cook that meal, I'll be over!

Love,
Gabi