Beautiful Fucked Up Man

The past three weeks have been a whirlwind and I am reeling. It's beginning to look like I may lose my partner in this venture. Brent has been volatile, angry, and uncommunicative, and he's been creating so much tension that it's not worth the effort. He worked like crazy and then he decided he was done and he hasn't lifted a finger since. I spend half my time cooking for him or cleaning up after him or trying to get him to do some simple thing - like the one thing that would really, really help me out, and he refuses. He had "words" with the owner's wife on Saturday which of course was delightful for me to deal with when I met with the owner Sunday. His attitude is affecting everyone and while I don't know what I'll do about the maintenance work he was to provide, I can't be treated like a second-class citizen in my own home. Forget it, buddy. I've got better things to do. He gathered his things and left in a huff when I told him he was just creating more work for me. I sat at the table and ate the venison steaks with wild rice pilaf that I had cooked for us, the sauteed kale with peppers and tomatoes and balsamic vinegar - good aged vinegar, and watched the whitecaps on the tiny piece of lake I can see, just beyond the million dollar monstrosity that's kind of in the way. The house was peaceful. The wind picked up again and an eagle caught the current. The house was peaceful.

I'm very disappointed and I hope he'll come around and decide to play with the rest of the adults, but I have my doubts. I specifically discussed this very scenario with Brent before I took the job and he assured me he would be here, that he wouldn't leave me hanging. Guess what? I'm hanging. My drinking was a deal-breaker for Brent and the gynormous chip on his shoulder is a deal-breaker for me. I hate Dr. Phil, but he's right about some things. I've been sober 91 days and I'll be damned if I'll drink over any of this. It's time for me to believe in myself and amazingly, I do.

Brent's anger seems to be due to feeling like the owners are taking advantage of us. I'm not sure he's wrong, but the jury is still out for me. I'm still hoping that if I do a good job, which I will, that they will make it worth my while. I'm basically working for pennies right now, it just happens to be a few more pennies than I was making previously. When the owners do things like tell me at the interview that I'm only responsible for my yard's upkeep and then change it to the entire motel area and roadside after I take the job, or when they nitpick the price of a decent vacuum cleaner by saying we don't need a commercial vacuum (hello? I thought we were running a business here), or when they whine and complain about money going out and not coming in like it's my fault when Brent had to rebuild three showers just to get the rooms rentable, well, I have to wonder, don't I? And by the way, there are rooms ready and the phone isn't exactly ringing off the hook. I have to wonder if I'm in for a big screwing of the kind I'm absolutely not interested in. And what I don't need on top of it is my partner taking it all out on me and in fact treating me much worse than they do.

I should be feeling very alone and abandoned, but I don't. I finally feel the love and support that my family, friends and ancestors have been offering me all along. I'm not alone. Unceasing engagement is the key: engage through the pain, through all the uncomfortable feelings, engage through arguments and disagreements and philosophical differences; engage through love that devours you and engage through hate that is not real. The love will still be there, but it comes in a more gentle form and it is love that provides the peace that passeth all understanding. Oh dear, I just quoted the bible. Will wonders never cease?