Living Archetypes

I've written a lot about my interest in astrology here at Eclectic Recovery. My slow, steady, study of astrology is how myth came alive in my imagination and myth taught me about archetypal forces much larger than myself acting in and through me. Getting past the typical western mindset about astrology was the entrance into an infinite world of possibilities; possibilities like grabbing the coattails of an archetype I'd never considered before, or deciding to manifest different attributes of the same overriding energy. The manifestation of an archetype allows an unlimited variety of choices in how to respond. The energy can always be lifted.

Alcoholic/Addict is an archetype I have manifested most of my life. Addict is a universal archetype and everyone manifests it in different areas and to different degrees. It's quite unfortunately been a life-defining archetype for me and one I sunk into for long periods of time, trying desperately to find my way out and failing in motivation and commitment to making sobriety the number one priority in my life. And now I see clearly that I can move away from this archetype with one simple rule in my life: don't drink. It is the simplest of equations, a mere non-action. I can use my common sense, intuition and imagination to feel what archetypes call to me and how to encourage those energies within. The simple pleasures I feel around the earth, cooking, writing and my spiritual practice point to the archetypes of creatress, earth helper, friend, sister, and full active being as the ones that will guide me into the next phase of life, years which have the potential to be the richest ones yet.

In the past couple of months, the overriding archetypes in my life have been sobrietist, worker, lover, victim and novice gardener (my favorite). I was also visited by an archetype: Kali, destroyer goddess. And while she wasn't exactly invited, I'm going to need her in the coming months. She tore through my body like an all-consuming fire and left me trembling in awe. I have to do something I'm not looking forward to. I'm taking the owner of the motel to court. I don't want to write much about it and have taken other posts about that experience down temporarily, but this is something I feel I need to do and I am scared to freakin' death to do it! The only comfort I get is when I let go of the outcome and continue to focus on my spiritual path. I am not only responding to an infinitely creative universe, I am participating with it, and to be honest, I don't want to let it down. So while it may seem petty to some, or un-spiritual to others, I think we just have to fight for what is right from where we find ourselves - not where we wish we were.

I've gotten much good advice and many different viewpoints and I have considered the options. And I doubt, and I doubt, and I doubt, and still I will do it. I'm compelled to do it. Not only for me, but for the next person, you know? We don't serve each other by allowing someone to take advantage. We only make it possible for them to continue to do so and it's usually those with the least resources that are hurt. I don't know about you, but I'm getting a little tired of that.

Let's keep our fingers crossed, shall we?

Rain and Mist and Magick

Tiptoeing around the house since 4:30 am so as not to wake Roberta. It is rainy and windy and Montana has obviously not been informed that summer is officially here. I am mostly settled in to my new space and I have to admit that for a homeless person, I ain't doing so badly.

As lucky and wealthy as I am I see it everywhere: the injustice. The same old scenario that we humans have been acting out for centuries - I must have more than you. I will have more than you. You are less than me. It makes me weary; I romanticize alcohol because when I drink I don't have to think about it anymore. But alcohol has become too painful an escape, as painful for those who love me as it is for me. As I remain sober, I must face these injustices. I must travel through the murky water to find the sparkling pool of clarity and then the courage to act on it. I must not bury my head in the bottle, or the boyfriend, or the chocolate cake . Too easy.

For those unable to face themselves, hard times are coming. Well, actually, they're here, aren't they? And in the meantime I play catch up as fast as I can because I don't know how I know, or why I know, or why it took me so long to know - but I know I have a role to play and more than anything in the world I want to play it consciously. I follow the good energy and I know it won't lead me astray.

I have an appointment for a 2nd opinion on my knee this morning and I look forward to the drive along the west shore of Flathead Lake in the rain and mist and magick. Have you taken time to look at the earth lately? To feel her trees and splash in her water and thank her for the life she provides for us? I believe she's had quite enough of our torture. Be sure and show her some real love today.

From Emmanuel's Book

Trust life, my friends.

However far afield

life seems to take you,

this trip is necessary.

Gathering Allies

I'm lucky I haven't alienated everyone that could be a recovery ally for me. I know a lot of people abandoned this blog because it became more of a "how can I continue to drink" blog than a recovery blog and I don't blame them. While it's obvious that many of my methods were ill-advised and clearly not working, I think it was a process I needed to go through. At any rate, it is a process that I did go through and I am now at a point where I'm thoroughly convinced that drinking at all will not work for me. For a long, long time drinking continued to offer me some relief from the ups and downs of everyday life. Now I find myself longing for just a sense of normalcy - for just that everyday life that I've been running from. Since November, not only has drinking stopped working, it has made everything exponentially worse. My confidence plummeted, I felt abandoned by the sense of grace that had infused the 35 days I did remain sober and the depression/anxiety quickly became unbearable.

So I'm gathering recovery allies around me, my kalyana mittas, my spiritual friends. With their guidance and assistance, I am bound to succeed.

Kalyana Mitta

Kalyana Mitta is a word in the Pali language meaning "spiritual friend." One of the Buddha's disciples once said to him: "It seems, venerable sir, that half the holy life is having good spiritual friends." The Buddha replied: "In fact, the whole of the holy life is having good spiritual friends."

So Here's Why

I haven't been around in awhile. For a couple of weeks I just had nothing to say and then my computer went kaput and was out for a week and then when I got it back Blogger wouldn't let me start a new post and time just kept ticking by and by and suddenly it's been almost a month since I wrote!

Thanks to the people who wondered where I was and expressed concern. That is so nice.

It's been a year since I started this blog and it's been a year of learning to let go. From a boss who ambushed me wanting sexual favors and then a few months later laid me off three days after knee surgery to the complete loss of the relationship with the man who brought me to Montana to now the loss of the house I have loved so much, I have been given opportunity after opportunity to surrender to what is, to not hold on to what is being removed and to open myself to the absolute perfection of each and every moment. If not always an "inner yes" I have at least been able to practice an "inner non-resistance" to each situation. I have learned that fighting reality only leads to suffering and I'm just not into that. I have come to know that the loss of things, which are all temporary anyway, or the loss of ideas I've had about myself, open up space for me to realize that which is true, unchangeable and eternal about the nature of reality and all of us human beings - including me. We're all in this together.

Eckhart Tolle's book, "A New Earth" and the teachings in it are the right spiritual tool for me now. I have found absolutely nothing in his teachings that I cannot agree with. For someone who never could quite find her place, in AA, in religion, in life, that's no small deal. Here's what Eckhart says about addiction:

If you have a complusive behavior pattern such as smoking, overeating, drinking, TV watching, internet addiction, or whatever it may be, this is what you can do: When you notice the compulsive need arising in you, stop and take three conscious breaths. This generates awareness. Then for a few minutes be aware of the compulsive urge itself as an energy field inside you. Consciously feel that need to physically or mentally ingest or consume a certain substance or the desire to act out some form of compulsive behavior. Then take a few more conscious breaths. After that you may find that the compulsive urge has disappeared - for the time being. Or you may find that it still overpowers you, and you cannot help but indulge or act it out again. DON'T MAKE IT INTO A PROBLEM. Make the addiction part of your awareness practice in the way described above. As awareness grows, addictive patterns will weaken and eventually dissolve. Remember, however, to catch any thoughts that justify the addictive behavior, sometimes with clever arguments, as they arise in your mind. Ask yourself, Who is talking here? And you will realize that the addiction is talking. As long as you know that, as long as you are present as the observer of your mind, it is less likely to trick you into doing whatever it wants.

Do not make it into a problem. So now it is time for me to let go of the identity I've created of myself as alcoholic/addict or recovering alcoholic/addict. And for that reason, I'm going to close Eclectic Recovery. It's been a fabulous, fun learning process and as the days grow shorter and winter begins to settle in I will most likely be back with another blog. Maybe one about me and the cowboy and kayaking Montana. Maybe one about Eckhart's teachings and how they're affecting my life. Maybe one about how I handle becoming a multi-millionaire and having everything I ever dreamed of. :) One thing is for sure. If you're on that Friends and Neighbors list, you are my friend and I will continue to check in with your blogs and your lives. Next to the self-discovery process, the friends I've made blogging are the best thing about it.

I'd like to leave you with a writing by Mother Teresa called "You and People".

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

Struggle or Paddling Upstream

If you've come here looking for an uplifting post, you're in the wrong place today.

I am struggling. Best to just admit it and get it out in the open where maybe some light will shine on it. I've been lucky that in 46 years, this knee surgery is the first surgery I've had - if you don't count dental surgery, and I don't. Intellectually I understand that a traumatic invasion of the body for whatever good reason is going to be depressing to some degree. The medical practitioners tried to prepare me for the pain and the long recovery time, but until you're actually living it, it's just a concept. Three weeks out from surgery I'm starting to get it. 8-12 months total recovery time. We're talking gradual here. Gradual lessening of pain, gradual increase in motion and strength, gradual healing. There will be no overnight miracle.

I've got some things floating around my mind that aren't helping any either. There are two men in this town that I am on the serious outs with. This is a small town - about 6,000 people. I've already run into one of them in the past week - the ex-live-in boyfriend of three years. The one who told me the last time we spoke that I was a lost cause, a hopeless case that he didn't want to have any more to do with. We broke up two years ago and for some insane reason I thought we could salvage a friendship out of the deal. The other? The ex-boss. The one who seems to have laid me off for reasons more personal than business. The one I had to threaten with calling the Dept. of Labor if he didn't pay me all the money I was owed. I've been pondering both of these situations a lot and while I'm not going into any more details here, I realize that the reason I've had problems with both of these men is because I am no longer willing to submit to the whims and emotions of despots and petty tyrants. I am no longer willing to let others dictate how I live, no matter how well meaning they may seem to be. I think this is the first time in my life I've actually felt like I wanted to avoid people. Which of course means it's something I will absolutely not do. Because I've been around and around both of these situations and while I know it takes two to tango and all that crap, I'm ok with my behavior. No, I didn't do everything right. Yes, maybe I did a lot wrong. But what I haven't done, and they both have, verbally or subtly, is to say YOU are wrong, your entire personhood is wrong, you don't deserve happiness or money or love or anything worthwhile. As much as I tell myself to move on and forget about all of it; as much as I believe that these experiences will make me a stronger person; as much as I know what's happened is much more about them than it is about me - it hurts.

Now, add to that the fact that I can't really exercise yet and I'm still in pain about 70% of the time and all the family's gone back to Georgia and what do you get? Me. Struggling. Do you ever feel like that's all there is to it? As my sister's friend, Mary, says, "What the fucking fuck???"

Before surgery I ordered a couple of books I thought would be inspirational to read while I was convalescing. "The Astonishing Power of Emotions" by Esther and Jerry Hicks, and supposedly channeled through a benevolent entity known as Abraham, is part of the popular Law of Attraction material. The Hicks' break thought processing down into really simple ideas. Either you're thinking upstream, against the current, with struggle, or you're thinking downstream, allowing the river to carry you along with its power and trusting in the outcome. Now, we can paddle upstream as long as we want, working hard, struggling, straining to keep our little boat moving upstream, or we can just decide to let go. They posit that the only place to start is right where you are, no matter how negative and depressed you may feel and try to find one downstream thought about any given situation. And they say that nothing you want is upstream, it's all downstream. I did that with the two men I've mentioned and it helped.

And on that note, here on this public blog, I release both of these men and the events, circumstances and emotions surrounding them with as much love as I can muster. It ain't a lot right now, but it will have to do.