I Love These Skills!

I had begun to feel distressed, depressed and generally dissatisfied in the past couple of days. Now, I suppose considering that I'm 48 and living in a transitional home and my only asset is my 1998 Toyota, you might think I have good reason to feel distressed, depressed and dissatisfied. And I guess you would be right. But, here's what I know. I know I won't work my way out of this situation if I sit and wallow in those feelings.

I had a DBT skills class tonight at the outpatient treatment facility and I realized why these feelings have been cropping up and making life not much fun. I had stopped practicing radical acceptance; I had begun to fight against the way things are, to be judgmental about my situation and basically to feel sorry for myself. So I did that for about a day and a half and then I caught it and I practiced the skill and the feelings changed.

I'm attracted to DBT for many reasons, but I think the main reason is because so many of the skills are things I had already practiced in my efforts to remain sober. I hadn't been able to form them into a coherent whole and wasn't always very consistent with them, but mindfulness was a great teacher for me in learning to observe my thought processes and realize that I'm not my mind, my mind is a tool for my self.

I think I'm finally starting to put all the pieces together here for a holistic personal recovery program. The pieces include nutrition, exercise, meditation, community support, self-awareness (which is where DBT is phenomenal) and, of course, abstinence.

Tarot Thursday on Wednesday

I'm starting an in-depth study of the tarot. I've had my own cards for a few years, but the cards don't work if the student is not spiritually centered and I haven't exactly been spiritually centered for awhile. I've been amazed at how differently the cards are speaking to me now that I am sober and committed to staying that way. The Univerise is opening itself in so many ways and I am humbled and awed.

So, Elena at Lunar Musings is doing a tarot study group and what she has done is wonderful and gorgeous! I am so looking forward to going through the cards this way. Elena has a strong intuitive grasp of the cards, is able to write about them in a clear and easy-to-understand way and has done an incredible job with setting up this project. Look at the right-hand page of her blog to see the link to Tarot Thursday. I had trouble downloading the badge, but will try again later.

In the meantime, I've been spending quite a bit of time with the cards and have begun journaling with them. Yesterday I chose one major arcana card and one minor arcana card to spend a few days with - these are my two cards:

The Chariot: Adversity, possibly already overcome. Conflicting influences. Turmoil. Vengeance. Success. Possibly a voyage or journey. Escape. Rushing to a decision. Need to pay attention to details. Urgency to gain control of one's emotions.

Queen of Wands: A sympathetic and understanding person. Friendly. Loving. Chaste. Practical. Charm and grace. Gracious hostess. Sincere interest in others.

One really interesting thing about these two cards is that the figure in each card is the exact same figure - only one is a man and one is a woman.

Adversity. Possibly already overcome. Success. Conflucting influences. Friendly, loving, practical.

Let me say now that I'm terrible about keeping up with a project where I need to post weekly. This week I have a friend visiting from out of town and will probably be away from the computer for a few days. So when I feel the cards have something to say about my recovery, I will post about it here, but up front I'm not going to try and post every Thursday. However, I did want to post about it and link to it because Elena has done such a beautiful job and I think it's going to be a fantastic learning process and a great addition to my recovery work.

Saturday Gig

This is what I get to do on Saturday's now. I've been working at one of the local flower shops for a few weeks - just five hours on Saturday. But this week the owner is on vacation so I'm
working Wed/Thur/Fri from 9-5:30, then Sat. 10-3, then Mon/Tue/Wed 9-5:30.

I believe that being on my feet for five hours straight is what set off the pain syndrome I went into, which has blessedly been much better in the past week. But I have to admit to being a little nervous about this much work, this much standing time so many days in a row and still only four months after surgery.

I've been doing massage on Saturday immediately following work and that seems to be making a big difference so I'll continue with that. Also, the strain/counterstrain technique worked very well for me so I have another appointment for that.

I've been interested in the mind/body connection for a long time and what I've been doing along with the physical therapy is releasing the emotions behind the pain. I believe that until I do that, I may be looking at being in some considerable pain the rest of my life. Fortunately, it's working. My massage therapist is helping me with it and I'm using the technique Eckhart Tolle describes of bringing presence to the pain and the emotions behind it, many of which are very old. It seems I have a very heavy pain-body, which is not a good or bad thing, just a thing. I also think the same technique is helping me with other issues I've discussed in the past - maybe more about that later. :)

What do you think about emotions causing physical pain?

Alcoholism, Astrology, Archetypes, and Sex?

My four primary healing modalities in moving away from alcoholism are astrology, archetypes, writing and sex. That may seem like a strange combination to some people, but they're perfect for me. If you're attempting to leave an alcohol or drug problem behind, your three or five or four processes may be quite different from mine. Yours could be golf and religion, or Reiki, Gestalt therapy and getting in touch with your inner child, or maybe AA, creating art and volunteering in your community. Whatever they turn out to be the important thing is to discover them for yourself and intentionally begin applying them to create a life that will be much too passionate, fulfilled and large to have time for an addiction problem.

Now, I didn't sit down one day and say, "Ok, these are going to be my healing venues." It's taken years of exploring different things that came into view and caught my enthusiasm and interest. I studied a lot of different pagan religions and went to a few circles, but that didn't turn out to be one of my key processes, even though I thought it would be. I explored every alternative recovery program I could find, but none of them are a main ingredient in my alchemical pot. The important thing is that I never stopped searching. I was stuck in the "abstinence is the only way" mode for so long it probably took me a little longer than it needed to. One of my hopes for writing all of this out here is that others for whom abstinence may not be the answer will save themselves some time.

I began an in-depth exploration into astrology a few years ago. I'd always been interested in it, but now I really dove in and did a lot of reading and research. I also retained a personal astrologer, Anita Doyle, with whom I meet about once a year. My work with Anita has proven more helpful to me than all the many years of therapy I did. Astrology was my initial foray into reframing my experiences on a cosmic scale. I don't approach astrology on a predictive basis but as a language of the psyche, a poetry for the human soul and a magical way to explore what has made me who I am today. You might even say, if you wanted, that the planets, stars and myths of astrology became my higher power because it's freaky how accurate they are. I discovered that my heart much preferred to view my addiction problem as a manifestation of Neptune conjunct my Sun and realize that there is a higher side of that aspect I can move into. Framing it that way is much more palatable to me than determining that I have a life-long sentence that I can never overcome and that will either kill me, send me to jail or land me in an institution. For all its "out there" reputation, astrology has proven to be one of the most practical tools in my arsenal.

More later on archetypes, writing and sex. Have I got your attention?

Sacred Sunday - The Jagged Edge

Radical Recovery. That's the term Lillian and Murdoch MacDonald use in their book, Phoenix in a Bottle, for their recovery from alcoholism. Why is it radical? It's radical because despite all the commonly accepted beliefs that society has been fed about alcoholism, these two people found a way up and out of it and they feel no need to abstain from the occasional libation. Among the beliefs they have discarded are the following:'

Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic.

Alcoholism is an incurable, progressive and fatal disease.

The only way to recover from alcoholism is through abstinence.

All alcoholics are egocentric, ruthless and care only for themselves.

If you're lucky and you confess all your character defects and all the rotten things you've done in your life, you may have a spiritual awakening which will grant you a daily reprieve from alcoholism. However, it is always there, waiting in the wings to once again take control of your life and lay it to waste.

I've been dancing around this issue for awhile now for several reasons; not the least of which was the vitriol directed at me when I admitted to a drinking episode several weeks ago. But the time has come for me to take a stand and I'm finally ready to do it.

In the past few weeks, I, too, have discarded all the beliefs listed above. It's been a painful, sometimes excruciating, but ultimately liberating process. I've ridden the jagged edge of every belief I ever swallowed - hook, line and sinker - without ever asking msyelf if it was true for me.

I've raged and cried and yes, I've even gotten good and drunk a couple of times, but I've continued to ruthlessly examine every single concept I once held as true. As I've done so, I've released myself from guilt that never belonged to me; I've found honor and respect for the hard journey I've been on and I've stepped into the full essence of what it means to be me, Angela, here on this planet at this time. In the process, I've experienced drinking as an enjoyable accompaniment to life - as something I can choose to do without fear of slipping into full blown alcoholism. I finally get what they mean when they say that the power we need lies within. It's always been there, but it had to be excavated - slowly, painstakingly and with great tenderness.

And yes, it's an ongoing process, but I feel I'm through the bulk of it and am ready to begin sharing it - without fear of retribution - without regret. Because it just might be possible that someone else out there could use a fresh message around this problem. And if one person could be saved years of needless suffering, well, that would be good enough for me.

My goal is no longer abstinence from alcohol. I am joining Lillian and Murdoch in being satisfied with nothing less than Radical Recovery.

Phoenix in a Bottle

"Phoenix in a Bottle" is a book I read recently co-authored by Lilian and Murdoch MacDonald, a couple now residing in Scotland who went through their own personal hell with alcohol. Lilian and Murdoch met in the early '90's at an AA meeting. They had both been attending AA for years with limited success. They married within a year against all the advice of their AA peers. At first it looked as if those peers had been right, for Lilian and Murdoch went on an extended bender, even ending up on the streets of Cambridge, England for a couple of weeks, "sleeping rough" as they called it. Their account of this experience is at once harrowing and heartening. It left no doubt in my mind that they know what they're talking about when it comes to having a problem with alcohol. They write:

By this time we were close to depair. We were freezing, the alcoholic shakes were starting to seriously manifest themselves, and an awful dread was setting in as we realised that we could think of no possible way out of the mess we were in, at least until Monday morning, when we might be able to wring a last few pounds out of the bank. Before then, a whole weekend without anything to drink, nothing to eat, sleeping rough and perishing cold - we couldn't face the thought of walking back to Christ's Pieces for the duvet, even if we had been able to find it again.

They tried AA one last time before deciding that if they were to solve their alcohol problem, they would have to do it together and find a solution that was specific to them.

Thus began a journey of exploring their childhoods and the belief systems that followed them into adulthood. They spent a few months working on this exploration while rebuilding their personal and professional lives. Now, more than ten years later, they are valued and active members of their families, workplaces and society. They drink occasionally with no consequence and are attempting to spread the word that there are many alternatives to the problem of alcoholism without committing to a lifetime of abstinence or a program that may not fit your core values.

Their discussion involves much of what they perceive as myths and superstitions about alcoholism that have been perpetrated on society through the proliferation of the 12-step communities through profit-based treatment programs. They also contend that AA is a quasi-religious cult based upon the contemporary medical orthodoxy of the time and the involvement of both founders with the evangelical doctrine of the Oxford Groups of the early 1930's, from which Bill Wilson, co-founder of AA, took much material for the 12 steps. Another quote from their book:

Frankly, the whole thing is total nonsense. What it all boils down to in essence is that they are saying that alcoholism is a progressive, incurable and fatal illness or disease of mind and body. That's the bad news, right? But the good news is that you can get continuing remission on a daily basis, by turning your will and your life over to the care of God (as you understand him), confessing your sins, making amends for them, and living the rest of your life in accordance with His will (not yours) and carrying the message to others.

These ideas, although a strange mixture of contemporary medical ignorance and evangelical Christianity, at least reflected the current thinking of the time in these two fields. However, instead of changing, developing and progressing over the years, this philosophy became fixed, to the extent that barely a dot or comma was allowed to be changed in the AA bible, the so-called Big Book, at it moved from one edition to the next.

I've been in touch with Lilian and Murdoch personally and I can assure you these are two sincere, honest and brave people. They are not out for personal gain, but only wish to help others who find themselves in a similar boat.

As for me, I hope this post will be met in the same spirit in which it is written - as an open and frank discussion into the many avenues recovery can take, and the many definitions of recovery an individual can claim for themselves.

I have added a link to their website, "Alcoholics Can Drink Safely Again" to the websites on the left hand side of the blog. I will link directly to their book as soon as I can figure out how to do that through Amazon UK.

Wellness Wednesday - Beliefs

I met with the woman who's going to guide me through the process I mentioned in a previous post on Monday night. We spent three hours examining the beliefs that I've carried into my adult life, unexamined, from growing up in the south and in my family of origin. Some of them seemed really silly for me to even write. I felt like I'd left them long behind, but the truth is that when we began discussing them and how they'd manifested in my life, I began to realize I only thought I'd left them behind. Just to give you an idea, here are a few of the ones I listed:

Women are neurotic and hard to manage.

Money is scarce.

People are not to be trusted unless they're a member of the family or a person in authority - a doctor, judge, lawyer or the president, etc. Those people are to be trusted implicitly and with no questioning.

Your needs are not important, as a matter of fact you really don't have any.

Squash the symptom.

I had 33 of these written down and I'm sure I've barely scratched the surface. A couple of amazing things happened for me. The first was that as we were discussing these things I literally felt movement start up in my first chakra, the chakra of survival instincts, grounding and our connection to our bodies and the physical plane. It felt as though speaking these beliefs, letting them out, literally freed up energy that had been stuck there.

The second thing that happened is that I began to notice patterns. Patterns in the beliefs and correlations in patterns to the experiences I've had in my life. I believe this is what the 4th Step in AA is intended to do, but I never found the patterns by examaning my resentments, fears or sexual conduct. Obviously, other people do, but I didn't.

I was literally exhausted when I got home. I think this is going to be a profound healing process and will contribute to my overall wellness in ways I can only imagine. Thank you for sharing this journey with me.

Om Namah Shivaya Gurave

I thought I would answer Annie's (one of the most brave women I know by the way) last post, here, so everyone can read it. Because it's very important. She asked what the first written lines on the top of the chalkboard were, from my yoga class. They are, as above, and so below:

Om Namah Shivaya Gurave

The first line of the mantra/chant that we sing at the beginning of each Anusaraya Yoga class. The entire chant and its translation breaks down as follows:

Om Namah Shivaya Gurave: I offer myself to Lord Shiva,the Auspiscious One, who is the true teacher Within and Without.

Saccidananda Murtaye: Who Assumes the forms of Reality, Consciousness and Bliss.

Nishprapanchaya Shantaya: Who is never absent and is full of peace.

Niralambaya Tejase: Independent existence, the vital essence of illumination.

I don't know what it is about this chant but it infuses my entire body with a sense of well being. Even though I rarely take the time to translate the words in my mind, the effect is still present. I frequently find msyelf driving down the road chanting, "Om Namah Shivaya Gurave" just because it makes me feel good!

I'm doing chakra work with Rainbow Dreams as well as with my new guru and it seems like this chant opens up each of the seven energy centers. It's all about the flow, or non-flow, of energy. That's why my yoga mat investment was so important to me. It is an investment in MY LIFE.

And each of you reading here add to the blessing of that life. And so to you: Namste', which breaks down to "I see and acknowledge the light in you."

Wellness Wednesday - Yoga

OK, I have to admit, I was meandering through all the posts and comments of the last few days - trying to let it all sink in - and I realized, Holy Cow!, it's Wellness Wednesday! And I'm part of that.

I haven't written much about my yoga practice, but it's an important part of my wellness program. We have the most incredible teacher here in Polson. Debra believes in adhering to the spriritual principles of yoga as well as the physical. So we always have a teaching up on the board and we always chant to begin and end each practice.

Although my budget has been diminished dramatically in recent weeks, I made the decision to purchase a 5-class package and a new mat (Kisster chewed up the old one) while I still had one full paycheck coming. I feel this was an investment in my wellness over the coming weeks. The more time I spend on my mat (and you gotta have one to spend time on it), the more I will be contributing to my overall mental and physical health. I could've gone to Wal-Mart and bought a cheap mat, but I chose to really invest in my yoga practice. It's something I love, something I'm committed to, and something that is a real benefit to my life. So, I bought the "Transformer Mat" and absolutely pranayama'd into the investment.

Besides the physical, spiritual and mental benefits of yoga, it's also a chance to connect with other people of like mind. When I went Monday, after having been away for several weeks, I was greeted with so much love and welcome, that it nearly brought tears to my eyes. Then Debra started working us and all I could think of was the practice.

My Own Path

This is from my meditation book for today, November 6:

I am on my own, individualized path through life. I am unique. I am not in a position to judge another person nor should I take others' judgments of me too much to heart. There have been so many tiny variables that have gone into shaping who I am - my path has been my own and all those around me have a path that is their own. I cannot really judge another person because I could not possibly have enough information to truly see the whole story, to understand in full and fair measure just what has gone into making that person tick. It is difficult enough to understand myself. Why do I feel I am capable of judging another fairly?

I honor my own unique experience.

The six tips of a single snowflake . . . feel the same temperatures, and because the laws of growth are purely deterministic, they maintain a near-perfect symmetry. But the nature of turbulent air is such that any pair of snowflakes will experience very different paths. The final flake records the history of all the changing weather conditions it has experienced, and the combinations may well be infinite.
James Gleick

I'm pretty sure this book has mystical powers. :)

Oh baby, it takes a village

Figured I'd get my Wellness Wednesday post done early today. I want to talk about the importance of community in sobriety and in life. I'm so mindful lately of the village that surrounds me, supports me and helps me persist in creating the life I want to create. I'm a participant in a number of communities, both formal and informal. My formal communities include a yoga community, business communities, an artist's community, the AA community, a writer's community, the LSR community, and now a blogging community. All of these are important to me, but it's the informal community that I've created around myself that really sustains and supports me, that keeps me going when I don't feel like it anymore and that I fall back on again and again for inspiration and love. My informal community consists of a handful of people that I connect with on a deep level, that I can speak with about anything and that share a commitment to the same values that I hold dear. It consists of an ex-lover, a neighbor/spiritual mentor/friend/buddy, a couple of AA women and my family. I keep these people tightly woven around me so I don't fall too hard.

I especially want to speak about the AA community I'm involved with because it's probably the most difficult for me. Now, many in AA will argue with you 'til the cows come home that it's not Christian-based, it's not fundamental, dogmatic or rigid. I disagree on all points. I've been around it and around it and I've even wanted to change my mind about it, but it hasn't happened. Here's the thing, though. It's the only sober-based face to face community available. Which brings me to one of my favorite subjects: choice. It's sad to me that there aren't more choices. It's sad to me that people go to AA and if it doesn't work for them, they often leave feeling there's something wrong with them. It's sad to me that the majority of people who use AA to good advantage also believe there's something wrong with those people, that they're either not "working the program" or they're "constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves". I've built up a strong backbone for sticking to my own beliefs, but the peer pressure in AA is as intense as any I've ever seen and most people that go there for the first time are in an extremely weak and vulnerable state. The saddest part, and one I know from first hand experience? People will go back and go back and go back and try it again and again, because it's the only thing out there. I would like to propose, if you're one of those people, that you go if you want to, take what you need and leave the rest. That's one of the principles too, you know. Use it.

I really didn't intend to go there when I first began this post, but I must've needed to. My primary point is that village, community, whatever you want to call it, is one of the finest things in my life. I'm really, really glad it takes a village. Thanks for being part of mine.

Meditation

Meditation has been an important part of my sobriety and spiritual practice for a long time. I remember the first time I went to a group meditation session - I thought I was going to jump out of my skin before it was over!

But I persevered, and gradually came to embrace the time to quiet my mind and sit with no distractions, no reaching or grabbing, no needing to have. I've read many, many books on meditation that I've found helpful. I think "Emotional Alchemy" by Tara Bennett-Goleman was one of the most profound reads for me on using meditation as a way to heal emotional wounds. Also, "Coming to Our Senses" by Jon Kabat-Zinn was a powerful book about the importance of mindfulness in creating a life of peace and joy. I've come to believe that learning to detach from my mind and all it's silly games is of real importance in gaining perspective on life and god(dess)and what the heck we're doing here. As long as I'm trapped in dualistic thinking, not realizing there is a way out of it, I'm probably not going to be very free or happy in this life. Once I got a taste of separating from me, and connecting with everything, I was hooked. So, this is my Wellness Wednesday post, on Thursday. I try, people.

Success and Abundance

I had so much fun creating this vision board. I initially wanted to put my intention for the success of my business into the board and I did that, but it turned into a lot more than that before it was done. As I perused magazines for pictures, words and ideas that had meaning for me, a process happened that I wasn't expecting. I believe this is a powerful tool for getting in touch with the subconscious because it was only when I finished that I became of aware of why I chose some of the things I did. I of course want my business to be successful for me and the artists I'm working with, but I began to realize that I define success and abundance in my own way. Those little tags at the top of the board all say, "Yes". I got those out of a Lucky magazine (my magazine addiction finally came in handy by the way!) and I outlined the board with them as my way of saying "Yes!" to all the wonderful beauty and abundance in the Universe. "Yes! Yes!" and "Yes!" again. The "Openarms" is another way of my saying to creation, "Bring it on. I'm ready."I also included words like, "great, easy and simple" because I'm realizing that things just don't have to be so damned hard all the time. I have a lot of power over how simple or complicated I make my life and here is me saying to me, "Keep it simple, stupid." I found myself really attracted to pictures of beautiful, nourishing food and included that because eating well and healthy and thankfully is such an integral part of my life. I also found myself cutting photos of nice shoes, boots and slippers and I wondered about that for awhile. I'm really not much of a shoe junkie. Then I realized that I've laid a foundation for this part of my life. I've worked hard to be at a place where I feel energized and excited and so happy to be alive. So all the little shoes are in honor of that. And clocks. There are two on there. I'm aware of the passing of time in a profound way these days. I'm not trying to hold onto it, but I honor it. In this life, it's not unlimited. I included Paul Newman and JoAnne Woodward because they're a couple of my heroes. Actually I think Paul Newman is about my favorite person on the planet.

Of course I included lots of things just because I like them and think they're beautiful. Fall leaves, pumpkins, diamonds, flowers. And you know what I realized when I was done? I realized that not only was I putting an intention out to create success and abundance, I have already created it. Success is a feeling and it's the feeling I have now. I've taken an idea, a project, and I've run with it and am making it happen. That is success. I'm sitting here with my sweet kitty in my lap, with a full belly and a world full of friends and loved ones. That is abundance.

Oh yeah, and I included that big "big" 'cause I don't know about you, but I'm kinda tired of thinking small.

Also, I'm thinking this can be a great recovery tool as well. Creating a board that symbolizes all the things we want for our sober lives.

I wish you all great and endless success and abundance.

H.A.L.T.

Okay. I way overdid it yesterday. And as much as I hate pithy little sayings and acronyms, I’m realizing that for purely pragmatic reasons, they actually come in handy. For instance, H.A.L.T. – an acronym for Hungry, Angry, Lonely and Tired – as in don’t let yourself get too hungry, angry, lonely or tired. I think this is good advice for anyone to follow, but for alcoholics and addicts it can be a lifesaver. Hunger, anger, loneliness and fatigue are just a few of the things we in recovery call “triggers.” They’re called triggers because they can trigger us to think that taking a drink or a drug would somehow improve whatever uncomfortable situation we find ourselves in. Of course, taking a drink or a drug would dramatically make our situation about a million times worse! But here’s the catch: it doesn’t seem that way. And that’s how you know you’ve entered the twilight zone of recovery. In the twilight zone, nothing makes sense. Life begins to feel like a giant carnival funhouse and everyone starts to look like they’re reflected in one of those crazy distortion mirrors. Sometimes a trigger can take us totally by surprise, like when we suddenly get a whiff of beer or pot we weren’t expecting, or when we realize we can actually taste the vodka they’re pouring into the glass on television . Other times, it’s a slow build-up. We don’t sleep for a few nights, we find we’re not getting along with friends or co-workers, we face a setback through rejection, job failure or illness – and before we realize it, man, that drink sounds good.

I wish I had remembered H.A.L.T. before I woke up and realized I had worked myself way too hard yesterday, I’d missed my AA meeting, and I hadn’t slept worth a damn. Better late than never, though. I’ve got the message and it’s loud and clear: Slow down and take care of yourself before you find yourself with a drink in your hand.