Phoenix in a Bottle

"Phoenix in a Bottle" is a book I read recently co-authored by Lilian and Murdoch MacDonald, a couple now residing in Scotland who went through their own personal hell with alcohol. Lilian and Murdoch met in the early '90's at an AA meeting. They had both been attending AA for years with limited success. They married within a year against all the advice of their AA peers. At first it looked as if those peers had been right, for Lilian and Murdoch went on an extended bender, even ending up on the streets of Cambridge, England for a couple of weeks, "sleeping rough" as they called it. Their account of this experience is at once harrowing and heartening. It left no doubt in my mind that they know what they're talking about when it comes to having a problem with alcohol. They write:

By this time we were close to depair. We were freezing, the alcoholic shakes were starting to seriously manifest themselves, and an awful dread was setting in as we realised that we could think of no possible way out of the mess we were in, at least until Monday morning, when we might be able to wring a last few pounds out of the bank. Before then, a whole weekend without anything to drink, nothing to eat, sleeping rough and perishing cold - we couldn't face the thought of walking back to Christ's Pieces for the duvet, even if we had been able to find it again.

They tried AA one last time before deciding that if they were to solve their alcohol problem, they would have to do it together and find a solution that was specific to them.

Thus began a journey of exploring their childhoods and the belief systems that followed them into adulthood. They spent a few months working on this exploration while rebuilding their personal and professional lives. Now, more than ten years later, they are valued and active members of their families, workplaces and society. They drink occasionally with no consequence and are attempting to spread the word that there are many alternatives to the problem of alcoholism without committing to a lifetime of abstinence or a program that may not fit your core values.

Their discussion involves much of what they perceive as myths and superstitions about alcoholism that have been perpetrated on society through the proliferation of the 12-step communities through profit-based treatment programs. They also contend that AA is a quasi-religious cult based upon the contemporary medical orthodoxy of the time and the involvement of both founders with the evangelical doctrine of the Oxford Groups of the early 1930's, from which Bill Wilson, co-founder of AA, took much material for the 12 steps. Another quote from their book:

Frankly, the whole thing is total nonsense. What it all boils down to in essence is that they are saying that alcoholism is a progressive, incurable and fatal illness or disease of mind and body. That's the bad news, right? But the good news is that you can get continuing remission on a daily basis, by turning your will and your life over to the care of God (as you understand him), confessing your sins, making amends for them, and living the rest of your life in accordance with His will (not yours) and carrying the message to others.

These ideas, although a strange mixture of contemporary medical ignorance and evangelical Christianity, at least reflected the current thinking of the time in these two fields. However, instead of changing, developing and progressing over the years, this philosophy became fixed, to the extent that barely a dot or comma was allowed to be changed in the AA bible, the so-called Big Book, at it moved from one edition to the next.

I've been in touch with Lilian and Murdoch personally and I can assure you these are two sincere, honest and brave people. They are not out for personal gain, but only wish to help others who find themselves in a similar boat.

As for me, I hope this post will be met in the same spirit in which it is written - as an open and frank discussion into the many avenues recovery can take, and the many definitions of recovery an individual can claim for themselves.

I have added a link to their website, "Alcoholics Can Drink Safely Again" to the websites on the left hand side of the blog. I will link directly to their book as soon as I can figure out how to do that through Amazon UK.

Well, wasn't that fun?

As many of you who write your own blog know - a blog tends to be an organic process. While we have some general idea what we will write about when we start blogging, we may get sidetracked, or become interested in something else, or have significant life changes that send the blog in a different direction or just leave it hanging around the blogosphere like a lost child. This is my second blog; the first was about being single in a small town and the alternatively hilarious and horrifying events that came about due to that fact. Because being single gradually became something I embraced instead of something I wanted to change, and because I wanted my life to move in a different direction, I stopped writing that blog. Funny thing - no married men have hit on me since then.

When I began this blog I wanted to offer a different way to look at recovery. Because AA wasn't working for me and because I had long believed there were other valid and workable ways to do recovery, I wanted to share my process of exploring some of those ways. Also, the blog was/is a tool for me to sit down at the computer and write. . . my thoughts, my experiences, my beliefs. In that process, something magical always seems to happen. I tend to dive into things headfirst so I never stopped to think about the consequences of drinking while writing a recovery blog. Then I found myself in that very situation and it was a dilemma. I handled it the best way I could figure out.

If you've been following the comments you know that this has become a very public forum for some people (and I don't even know who some of them are) to express their displeasure with me. It has been very hurtful and I'm reeling from it, much more than I am from the last drink I took. For those of you who have been frequent readers and contributors, I'd like to apologize for the nastiness that has ensued.

I'm at a loss as to what to do now. I intended to write a post about the beautiful day I had - my first shortened work week. I went to yoga, had lunch with a dear friend and dinner with another, but the wind has been sucked right out of my sails tonight. Tonight I'm tired of trying to be spiritual and I'm tired of being nice and I'm sick and damned tired of people who think they know my heart.

To Ben, who assured me he wrote an "approving" post, albeit anonymously, I'd like to say not only do I not need your approval anymore, I no longer want it. Go feed off someone else.

To Whatalife I'd like to say, unless you feel like saying who you really are, go play somewhere else please.

To the rest of you I'd like to say, this won't get me down for long. I've been wanting to start a new blog about the business and entrepreneurship in general and I'm not sure I can keep up with both. Maybe it's time for this one to die a not so peaceful death.

As any of you with your own blog know, a blog tends to be an organic process. When we begin we may have a general idea what we will write about but we may get sidetracked, or become interested in something else, or have significant life changes that send the blog in a different direction. It may even end up hanging around the blogosphere like a lost child, alone and forgotten. This is my second blog; the first was about being single in a small town and the alternatively hilarious and horrifying events that came about due to that fact. Being single - anywhere - gradually became something I embraced instead of something I wanted to change and I stopped writing on that blog. And it's been a funny thing - no married men have hit on me since then. I have to wonder if my intent to stop focusing on that area of my life was instrumental in that development.



When I began this blog I wanted to offer a different look at recovery. Because AA didn't work for me and because I had long believed there were other valid and workable ways to do recovery, I wanted to share my process of exploring some of those ways. I tend to do things headfirst, diving in and thinking later. So when I began the blog I never stopped to think about the consequences of drinking while writing a recovery blog. Then, I found myself in that very situation. And it was a dilemma. I handled it the best way I could figure out.



One morning I received an e-mail from someone who implied that I sort of managed this whole thing on purpose. The implication, or accusation, was that in not exposing certain facts about my life, I was still being dishonest and that my behavior was approval-seeking at best and outright deceptive at worst. I know they say the road to hell is paved with good intentions, and I believe it. But, still, that was not my intention. Like, I'm not really that smart.



The e-mail did give me pause and gave me yet another opportunity to look at recovery, what I think it is, what I want it to be and what I believe is true about it.



I've known several to many people in my life who have identified themselves as alcoholic at one time or another. They may or may not have stopped drinking for a period of time. But, eventually they were able to moderate their drinking and move forward from identificaiton with the paradigm of alcoholic or addict, or they never became identified with it in the first place. I believe this is possible. I think it's probably possible for me. Maybe that's why every time I stay sober a few months, I drink again. Sometimes I over-drink and sometimes I don't. Fifteen months ago I kicked a fifteen year addiction to ativan, a benzodiazepam that greatly enhances the effects of alcohol. Since then, each time I've succumbed to the temptation to drink, I've drank less and had fewer repurcussions. Does this mean I'm in denial again? Does this mean I'm just biding my time until alcohol once again takes over my life? Or does it mean that I've made significant changes in my attitude and behavior and other changes are following on the heals of it? I don't know.



I don't expect it to be linear, or neat, or pretty, because not much about my life ever has been. But, since I hold the belief that it's possible to break an addiction without abstaining forever, it's highly unlikely that any recovery program will work for me and by attempting to write a recovery blog, or be in recovery, I'm wasting my time and yours.

How long have you been sober?

As a person with a history of intermittent relapse, I of course hate this question. I was at an AA gathering recently and a woman was asking everyone as they walked out the door how long they'd been sober. I guess I was doing something close to praying as I kept up the mantra, "Don't ask me, don't ask me." She didn't. And I was glad. And I'll tell you why. I was sober from 1988-1994. I was sober most of 1996. I was sober a majority of 2001 - present. In the past year, I've been sober about 360 out of 365 days. Now, usually when people ask you this question, they're in AA. And they don't care about any of that. They want to know how long it's been since your last drink. I know that so I'm not comfortable answering 13 or so years because I know that's not really what they're asking. Here's the thing, though. I am proud of and thankful for every single one of those days sober. And just because someone else thinks that because I've slipped, it all amounts to a pile of nothing doesn't mean I think it. Based on my history, it's a pretty good bet that I'll slip again; however, it won't keep me from having long-term, stable sobriety as my goal and sincerely trying not to slip. As problem drinkers, we all know that a slip can lead to long-term drinking, as noted by that big gap from 1996-2001 where you won't find many sober days I logged. I'm not stupid. I know this. I do the best I can without giving up my soul to something I don't necessarily believe in.

Another reason I don't like the question is this. It has absolutely nothing to do with the kind of person I am. Telling you that I've been sober 90 continuous days or 13 intermittent years won't get you any closer to knowing me than telling you my hair is brown. You may think you know something about me. For instance, if I said the first, you could think I'm off to a great start (ha! if you only knew). Of if I told you the latter, you could think one of a few things: either I'm really slow (which I'll readily admit to) or I'm one of the most persistent, tenacious people you've ever known (which I'll also readily admit to) or you could think I'm a complete idiot (which thanks anyway but I won't be owning that one). But still, you won't know that I'm honest and compassionate and loving and a great friend and creative and really, really impatient and on occasion, very petty.

Another reason I don't like the question is that I think it's rude which really is another post. But the main reason I don't like it is because it will take an entire year of someone's life - most of it spent sober, productive and active, and focus on the one day you veered off the path. And it will give that day power instead of all those good days.