Wednesday, January 30, 2008

An Update on the Dirty Lowdown

Surgery it is. Probably in about a month. I actually have a blown ACL which is not what they initially thought, but which will continue to cause me trouble if I don't have it reconstructed. As for now, I'm getting around pretty well as long as I keep the brace on and the pain is down to a 2-3 on a scale of 1-10.

Health is the great leveler, isn't it? I know in the scheme of things a messed up knee is pretty minimal as far as actual life-threatening illnesses, but it sure is teaching me a few lessons. First, everything clicks into proper perspective. What's important? People, love, compassion, people, family, friends, people,havng a roof over your head and food on your table, people, people and people. I'm discovering some things about myself I imagine people close to me have known for awhile (sorry, ya'll!). First, I'm a terrible patient. I mean, really, I may may be worse than men! Second, even though I do it, I still don't like asking other people for help. Third, as long as I can still sweep my floor I will probably keep my sanity. And fourth, it doesn't do me much good to try and fight depression.

In my last post I valiantly declared that I would not be depressed about this. But over the weekend, like an old friend you really don't care to see again, it came knocking on the door, wanting to sit and have a cup of tea or 50. Finally, I looked at everything that's happened since Christmas. My hours at work were cut in half, my chimney crumbled and I was without heat for a few days but first the inside of my house was covered with soot, I was taken for a quick ride by a married man, I found out one of my best friends has breast cancer and then I fell and tore up my knee and could barely walk for a week. Just to put a cherry on top, the cowboy is not sure this thing with us will work out - and that's when I opened the door and invited my old friend in. I realized most everyone that had had the few weeks I had would probably be feeling a little down and I just embraced the sad mood that settled around me. I learned that when I'm depressed I don't care about much. Especially my big three pleasures: food, drinking and sex. But I knew as long as I still cared about sweeping the floor, and I did, I would probably be ok. And I am.

There's a lesson in here about those big three pleasures of mine and while I'm not entirely sure what is yet, you can be sure I'll let you know when I figure it out.


Olivia said...

Dear Angela,

I don't know what to say. Just know that I'm sending healing energies your way. Good for you for sweeping the floor. Prayers that this will pass "quickly" and that things will turn around for you.

I think that depression would be a normal reaction to all going on in your life this year. And that wanting to flee would feel into your big three would feel natural as well. I wish for you that you would be able to make it through healthfully and comforted by the love that so many people feel for you. And by the fact that we all go through sucky sucky times like this.

I hope that you come out on the other side of your surgery with a strong and steady knee...and that your life is that as well after this period of trouble.

Blessings and love,


jennifergg said...

Oh Angela, I read and got caught up on your posts and thought, Oh Angela.

I would add that I always think of February as the witching month of winter. If you can make it through Feb, spring is right around the corner.

Wish I were closer; I'd drop off soup too. And maybe some dark chocolate, because, why not???


Carolyn said...

My thoughts are with you, and I cannot help but think you are freezing up there in MT, stay warm!
Please take care of yourself first and then everyone else.
Love & Hope,

p.s. Your three weaknesses are shared by this woman. ;)

Rick Hamrick said...

Angela--I know it is not much, but I'm willing to let you sweep my floor, too. It's a small floor, but the commute will likely get to you, since I'm in Denver.

Seriously, I wish you fast healing from the upcoming medical procedure, and some comfort in the fact that there's no shame in finding that being in the dumpster is a stinky place to have fallen.

For me, in those times, I have found it helpful to shorten my perspective to whatever it feels like I can handle. Maybe I don't worry about next week, but simply try to make sure I have stuff for dinner tonight, pain meds if I need them, and an early bed time if that feels like a good idea. It seems to lighten the load for me, working with a shorter timeframe instead of projecting out the entire recovery from knee surgery.

You know that I send this message with nothing but love included, so discard anything but this last sentence if you need to: get better, Angela, as we are all rooting for you!

Anybeth said...

Hey Angela,
you had a run of crap. the house, the knee, everything. Of course you're going to be feeling down.

But, you said, when you are feeling down alcohol is not one of the things you care about. that must mean something? For most alcoholics, when they feel down that is what they turn to.

I hope you can maintain some goodness in your heart during this time, until surgery.

All will be well.

Angela said...


Thank you. They say that my knee will be good as new in about a year. 'Course it will be almost good as new way before that and that is good news!


You are so sweet. You know what? I took Claude some dark chocolate Sunday in a goodie bag. It really is good stuff - I keep it around. :)

Thank you, Carolyn.

Rick - I thought you would offer to commute here and sweep MY floor. I don't care who does it just so it gets done! Thanks for the well wishes. They are truly felt.

Anybeth, you hit right on what I missed when I wrote that post. I haven't been turning to alcohol or food or sex. I've been staying with the feelings and getting through them. Shit. I think that might be progress.

bella said...

how could you not get down?
and good for you for just letting yourself have your feelings and be with them. And there was something you said about knowing that as long as you still had the desire/need to get up and sweep, you knew were ok. This resonated. We all have those internal barometers, those things that become our guideposts. We happen to share this one. :)
May you rest and tend to yourself.
Take care.

Mich said...

Hi Angela - I think its healthy to withdraw sometimes. To find sanctuary within and honour what we're feeling.

You'll be on the mend in no time at all.

And know that there are are whole heap of people out there that will send you lots of love and light!


Julie said...

I tore my PCL a few years back and my knees are buckled as I read this-:). I wish I were there to help care for ya...

Diva Carla said...

Angela, a quick catch up with your blog: Jeez Lou-eez! I'm feeling it with you. Scorpio sun and Scorpio rising got some funk going on this 2008.

Having read ahead, I see that some things get worse and some get better.
I'll be in Idaho for your surgery, still a little too far to bring you chocolate. I'm sending goodies through the ethers though.