Thursday, January 17, 2008

Girl, You've been had!

Here's the short version of what we will call the most recent week from hell. After dealing with the heat and furnace situation and thinking the worst was over for awhile, I went into work Tuesday morning and was informed that my hours have been cut back further. I'm down to 20 hours a week, but that's not the best part. I'm now working Mon-Fri 8-12 so I got my three day weekend and my yoga class cut out on top of it. If there were a good reason for the business that this be my schedule it wouldn't be so bad. But, there's not. Not one.

To add insult to injury, I had another situation occur this week which Roberta summed up quite nicely. She said, "Girl, you've been had." Yeppers, got the wool pulled right over my eyes and never even saw it coming. I got played by a real player. What's worse is that in the process I may have hurt someone I really care about.

Now if I were just your average Jane without a clue about the real world, I may be able to wallow around is this for awhile. But I'm not so now I have to ask myself some very serious and difficult questions. Questions like, "What part of me continues to allow things like this to happen? How much does the fact that I've been drinking more than I want to perpetuate these situations? And just what, exactly, the fuck am I going to do about it?" And these: "Is this process I'm doing working or am I just becoming a happier, safer alcoholic? Am I once again allowing Neptune to lead me down the road of delusional thinking and denial? Am I still waiting for some pie-in-the-sky Higher Power to zap me into a beautiful, happy, carefree life?" And, of course, the final ultimate question: "When am I going to step into the responsibility for everything that happens in my life and take full credit for the good and the bad and the totally in-between?"

These, and other pressing concerns will be answered, one way or another, in the upcoming weeks of Eclectic Recovery. If there's one thing I'm sure about today, it's my commitment to being authentic here on this blog. It's absolutely up for grabs right now as to whether it will turn into a signpost or a warning.

17 comments:

Sherri said...

"What part of me continues to allow things like this to happen?"

This is a question that I face as well. Perhaps the insights you come across in your work will help me along in my own work.

Olivia said...

Angela, Good for you for asking the hard questions and for being authentic on your blog. I cannot wait to see what you will decide to do here and what the Universe will bring to you. Prayers, hugs, blessings, and love, O xxoo

thailandchani said...

You always seem willing to ask yourself the difficult questions so I think you will turn out okay. Really.

Kelly said...

Wow, those are the hard questions. Most of us never ask them.

Anybeth said...

"How much does the fact that I've been drinking more than I want to perpetuate these situations?"

This is the phrase from your post that jumped out at me. Especially the "more than I want to" part.

The Electric Orchid Hunter said...

I think we all have a tendency to sabotage ourselves in the pursuit of happiness.

If we sit around waiting for good things to happen, they surely never will. Taking action will lead to some sort of change. Whether it was the right action to take can only be answered on the other side; which is why you shouldn't let it worry you. Don't obsess over things you have no control over, and act on those you do.

Thank you for your candid honesty. All the best for the future: these things are never easy.

Angela said...

Thanks everyone. Anybeth, I'm paying a lot of attention to that "more than I want to" part also. I first said "more than I should" but changed it 'cause I'm sick and tired of shoulding myself. The psychologists say it all boils down to either avoiding pain or seeking pleasure - neither one of which work very well.

CB said...

Where did you go wrong? What is unacceptable to you and how could it have been avoided? It's funny, I spoke with an astrologer a few days ago about my chart, the saturn return I am currently in and my leaving AA and occasionally drinking again. We talked about how we create our own reality and that Saturn will help me set the boundaries I need. We also talked about the combo of Saturn(reality) and Neptune(illusion) together and that most of my fears weren't even real. She also told me that I couldn't be sober if I drank.(ouch!) I believe my higher power is with me, even as I drink occasionally. Trust yourself. Think positive. I really think that negative thinking is one of the biggest culprits in all of this. I am thinking of you often.

miss*R said...

I was always waiting for a higher power to rescue me.. although I am getting better at realizing it is me who can rescue me.

I like your questions.. I am looking forward to your authentic journey oxox (ps - don't forget faeryland)

Journey Through Life said...

Wow, Angela. I can so relate to your questions. I still believe you are on a revolutionary path. But the path less travelled is always going to be a rocky one. I admire you for continuing to keep going on the path and pursuing what you believe is the right thing. The questioning that you are putting yourself is a sign of your honesty and your willingness to candidly look at yourself. That is one of the most important things we can do and one that so many people avoid. Your bravery is an inspiration and a motivation.
Annie
xxx

Mich said...

Hang in there! I know you'll get through this!

mich
x.

bella said...

It takes courage to ask such questions.
It is the heart of taking responsibility for our lives, as you said.
And it is also where freedom lies, I think.

Jane said...

Well, speaking as a completely non-plain Jane, I can tell you that I hate these fucktard players who pull the rugs out under us when we have no idea it's coming. What ever happened to straight forward honest human beings with no hidden agenda? Angela, I know you will "keep it real" and keep asking those difficult questions. My light is with you, firl!

Sueblimely said...

Hi Angie - just getting back to you after you left a post on my old blog ages ago now - I am sorry I did not reply then. I think the problem with exporting from Blogger is that you are using the classic version and exporting only works from the new version.

I do wish you all the best on this journey you are taking. It can't be easy for you. I agree about the 'shoulds' - I gave up that word and decided to be just me. I much prefer it this way :-)

Diva Carla said...

You and everybody else said it all here. What a pisser of a week! Here's a thought I'll toss over your fence:

Someone once said Enjoy dessert. But have it only with friends, and have it flaming!

Maybe that works for enjoying a glass of wine too.

Olivia said...

Angela, I gave you an award over at the happyluau. Don't feel compelled to respond; I just wanted you to know. Peace and love, O xxoo

Journey Through Life said...

I've given you an award! See my blog...
Annie
xxx