Saturday, January 19, 2008

Poor Me, Poor Me, Pour Me Another Drink - or - A Lesson in Archeypal Patterns

As I re-read that last post I realized I'm beginning to play out an old pattern here. The old pattern is to get sidetracked from the things that are important in my life - get sidetracked by my struggle with alcohol, get sidetracked by boys, get sidetracked by the oh-so-intense drama of it all. Once I get sidetracked I put myself in a very vulnerable position and I often get taken advantage of by bullies and petty tyrants. Then I blame myself for all of it and usually continue a pattern of drinking too much until I literally have to stop. Learning to accept responsibility for my life without blaming and shaming myself in the process seems to be one of my big lessons. I'm at a choice point. I could do the same thing: drink and duck under the covers until I have to come out for work Monday morning. Feel awful, not solve a damn thing and make myself really sick in the process. The archetypal patterns that play out when I make that choice are Victim and Martyr.

Here's what I'm going to do. I'm not going to drink and I'm going to move out of this pattern before I'm forced to. I'm going to walk daily come snow, sleet or rain and I’m going to resume my yoga practice. I'm going to prepare myself some healthy and nourishing food and treat myself with herbal infusions. I'm going to go to work on the soot in my house and finish reading "The Kite Runner". I'm going to embrace the archetypes that feed my soul: Domestic Goddess, Friend, Storyteller. I'm going to play with my camera, love on a couple of sweet kitties and make myself available for friends in my life going through their own difficult times. I'm going to make the choice I can live with - the one that brings me back to a place of joy. I'm going to chop wood and carry water until I feel that deep sense of contentment of which I've had a taste. But first, I'm going to shovel snow.

Thanks for all your comments in the past couple of days.

9 comments:

Claudia said...

Wow, Angela. I love you, my dear.

Julie said...

Sounds like great advice to give to yourself and I think I shall borrow it after a kind of long, hard week. (except for the shoveling part-:))
Take care of yourself, Angela.

Kelly said...

OMG, right ON, Angela!

thailandchani said...

Awesome! Awesome! Awesome! :)

Olivia said...

Yay, Angela...whoo hoo! Wishing you a joy-filled weekend of all kinds of real and authentic emotions...you are not alone on your journey and are in my (our) hearts, Love, O xxoo

Journey Through Life said...

Ah, I understand perfectly. This week has been one of those for me. Sinking into the oblivion of the addiction. And how have I begun to emerge from it? Through my camera and my cats! (See my blog)

I'm also feeling something different that I can't quite put my finger on. Something to do with letting go of the constant search and struggle and finding the simplicities and basics of life. It hasn't quite formulated yet, but something is settling.

Thank you for continuing to share your journey.
Annie
xxx

Angela said...

Love you, too, C.

Annie, Yeah, the simplicities and basics of life are definitely where it's at.

miss*R said...

good for you! I will be with you holding your hand as you walk in the snow, rain or hail xoxo

jennifergg said...

Exactly! These are exactly the things to be doing. NOT being caught up in blame or shame, NOT being held back by fear or unhelpful patterns, NOT using drama as an excuse to pull you away from your best life and intentions...

Therein lies the very choice you've been writing about, the very one you seek, the one you're trying to cultivate. The choice to be you, as you wish to be, the authentic Angela, Domestic Goddess and Creator and Storyteller. I think you have to make that choice to be her a hundred times a day, in a hundred small ways. But you are already doing it!

Hooray! Hooray!