Waking Up

Even though she’s no longer with us, Chani remains a source of inspiration and courage for me.

From Chani’s blog, September 30, 2006

I have found that giving up materialism and consumerism has brought me to a higher respect for all life around me, the things around me and a consciousness of the way I view others. This culture teaches that human value is determined by participation in the economy. A lawyer has more value than a customer service representative, as an example. This culture diminishes the disabled, the elderly and the poor. It diminishes extended family. It places the individual above the common good. It diminishes primary relationships, turning them into utilitarian contracts. I am very aware of how much this has crept into my thinking and I have always been socially conscious, so I thought. Now, I deliberately watch for this and change it. It's very subtle and pops out in the most unexpected places. (Just today, I read a rather vile post on one of my Buddhism mailing lists in which a member ran down homeless people. Two years ago, I wouldn't have challenged it. Today, I did.) It has increased my compassion.

I believe Chani was way ahead of most of us in her level of awareness about the reality of the culture we have created. In the quote above she expresses the imbalance with which we live in a few succinct sentences, and brilliantly. Also, in one small paragraph she shares with us ways she had found to be the change she wished to see in the world.

As my own awareness expands to include more painful realities to be faced, I’m humbled by Chani’s fierce spirit. She undertook the responsibility to change her reality from the inside out, despite a world that never offered her much in the way of support. The more of us who become willing to follow her lead, the easier the transition will be as global civilization continues to crumble.

Chani successfully dealt with her own addictions and like anyone who has addiction, she knew that more than anything addiction is about loss. Not only loss of material things, but deeper more important losses: dignity, self-respect, relationships, the simple ability to feel your feelings no matter how uncomfortable to you or anyone else they are. It takes great skill and creativity to understand the insanity of this world and still work to gain the resources needed to live your life. Chani had the imagination and she developed the skills to drop every notion of what Western culture taught her was “normal” and to forge a fulfilling life.

I don’t think many of our general population has any idea how to get up day after day, when the losses seem too great and the disease too far progressed and still brush their teeth, still get dressed and still find meaning within daily life no matter how diminished life may seem at the moment. No idea how to navigate a world where compassion, kindness and value for all of life have taken a backseat to greed, self-aggrandizement and hate.

We have lived within the illusion that our way of life was right. We’ve turned a blind eye to the way we’ve abused our own resources and a lot of the rest of the worlds as well. As long as we could still get a fix from a new toy (gas-powered of course) or the right brand name t-shirt, shoot-up with our own sense of superiority over those less fortunate and cop-out on our responsibility to our fellow earthlings (animal and human alike) we could maintain the illusion.

But as soon as the things we count on to keep us transfixed start falling away the illusion fades. And then what’re we gonna do?

Currently I’m doing a good job of detaching from the shared hallucination. I have let go the American Dream and man what a relief. I was lucky, though. The illusion never worked very well for me in the first place so I’ve had experience with breaking free from it, but only recently have I been able to maintain the disconnect. I find that as I continue to watch from a safe distance, my personal equanimity finds its place again.

I believe part of the illusion in my own case was getting caught in the Western dream of recovery from addiction. If one just follows these steps, reads this book, does these exercises, takes this medication and prays daily to a patriarchal god, one can become “free.” Sometimes what we think is our salvation is just another trap, another rabbit hole, another place to hide.

I don’t mean to sound flippant about my past year’s of alcoholism when I write about getting drunk one night on a family vacation and interrupting a perfectly good trip with my problem. But there comes a point when one has to consciously choose to leave that shame and guilt behind, realizing that it’s all internal and that sobriety will surely not be had while lugging it around. There comes a point when one realizes that the more attention one gives to addiction, whether it’s living in it or “recovering” from it, one is still feeding the beast. I’m finding that when I stop feeding him – physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually, he just slinks off to a dark, damp corner and lies in wait – one eye open, cold and wet and hungry. I imagine his one eye becomes heavy with sleep and pretty soon he’s just a snoring hunk of junk, harmful only to those who fear him still, only to those who have to keep living a collective nightmare.

I don’t freakin’ think so.

Catching Up

It's been 8 months since I've had consistent access to the internet. If I hadn't filed bankruptcy I still couldn't afford the access, but my return to work along with a great deal with my ISP have made it possible for me to once again be connected via the world wide web. Living without an internet connection has probably been the most difficult thing to deal with since I went from being middle-class, to poor, to very poor over the past few years. I resume using the internet with a new appreciation of how we use our technology or our technology uses us. A certain mindfulness is required in order to not get sucked into the frivolous and meaningless. The most important aspects of the internet to me personally are the access to real news and the ability to find and make connections to community . . . and I ain't talking facebook here. I have especially missed participating with my blogging community and am looking forward to catching up and seeing who's been up to what.

On that note, I've been eager to read the entirety of Chani's blog and I started today. For those who don't know, Chani was a friend of mine and many others in our blogging community. She passed away unexpectedly on March 23rd of this year. I'm not sure exactly when I began reading Chani's blog, but it was quite a while after she started it and I don't usually read back on blogs. Reading Chani's blog from start to finish is a way for me to honor a friend I never met in person, but who made a tremendous contribution to my life with her authenticity and loving friendship. I believe Chani's community called her home and I hope she realized how far she had come in creating community for herself here. I am a better person for having known Chani. She started writing in September of 2006 and I resonate emphatically with much of what she wrote then. Like this:

I began to read. I took in ideas the way a thirsty person takes in fresh water. I was hungry for ideas beyond my immediate reach, for things that would link me somehow to this odd world which I perceived as being so unreachable. Where were others like me, others who had a non-aggressive, non-competitive approach to life? Where were those for whom western culture was little more than soul-sucking? Where could I go that wasn't reduced to a glorified marketplace? The religions I investigated wanted to either pick my pocket or force me into a box that wouldn't fit. Inevitably, parts of me would begin falling out the sides and I would lose my new community.

I'm still working at the ranch store. I moved from being a cashier in the main store to the clothing department. I don't get as many hours but the job is doable without creating the intense anxiety that leads to panic attacks, emotional meltdowns and generally feeling like total shit. It was hard for me to ride the whole thing out; it was questionable whether I would continue working there and I was humiliated and embarrased by the panic attacks. But now that I've moved departments, I'm glad I hung in there and stayed humble and willing. I don't believe this mental state will last forever. I'm working my way out of it since I went to treatment, but it's slow.

After much consideration and discussion with my mental health doc, I decided to discontinue the anti-d I had been taking since Feb/09 when I was hospitalized. I have decided to use St. John's Wort for depression and valerian for anxiety while working on a cleaner, healthier lifestyle in general. Healthy food, exercise and sunshine are hard to beat. I became allergic to wheat this past winter and have notched up what was already a pretty healthy diet. I've begun making my own body care and home-cleaning products in moving towards a goal of getting off petroleum-based living. Peggy and I are harvesting mixed greens and herbs while we await the carrots, tomatoes, squash, strawberries, peas, beets and spuds. I'm eating pansies, nastursiums and dandelion greens. I've come to think of the way Brent and I eat as "rustic." Whole foods, good ingredients, lots of garlic, onion and pepper, herbs and spices, olive oil. It occurs to me I've developed a lot of skills learning to live well on much, much less. It occurs to me we're all going to have to learn those skills. It isn't easy, but it can be done.

Yeah, I still believe civilization is collapsing and I believe things are going to go from bad to worse. But I've stopped bargaining and raging and started accepting. Of course I know I will bargain and rage again. The good thing is I no longer think that response is pathological. I think it's pathological to refuse to see and accept reality, but that's what addiction is all about really. We're all addicted to oil-based living and we're all going to get to go cold-turkey, detox and hopefully come out the other side a bit better for it. Two books helped me a lot with moving into acceptance: Sacred Demise: Walking the Spiritual Path of Industrial Civilization's Collapse by Carolyn Baker, Ph.D. and The Little Book of Letting Go by Hugh Prather.

I promise you and myself one thing as I resume blogging: no censorship. It may be hard for some people to believe that I've censored myself in my writing here, but I have. I won't anymore.

It's good to be back.

Thailand Chani

I received a real shock yesterday when I learned of the death of one of my dear blogging and recovery friends, Thailand Chani. Chani was something else. She was an incredibly talented and bright woman who enjoyed many years of sobriety but never made a real big thing of it. She only offered her insight to provide support or advice when asked. She never interfered. She never called attention to herself. She just showed up, day after day and offered herself to a world that unfortunately didn't show much interest in her.

Chani's ideas tended toward the radical, which is where ideas go when the truth is not only sought, but found. Chani sought community and I think she finally found some form of it through her writing and blogging and her sober support group. It was mostly web-based I'm afraid. Chani had recently found herself in another situation where she was doing all the work, providing all the emotional spine and I'm sure more than her fair-share of back-breaking work. Was she appreciated for it? Only by her "virtual" friends, many of whom now find themselves thinking of Chani with a bittersweet regret that we weren't able to know her better.

She was heading off to a better life; a life she had looked forward to creating for herself through many a lean and hard year. She really deserved that life. I'm so sorry she's no longer with us and I'm going to miss her a lot. If it weren't for Chani, I wouldn't be where I am in my sobriety or in my unflinching refusal to accept where American finds herself as a nation and the world as a community. Waking up is hard to do. Chani knew that. She also knew it was the only thing left to do. For until we awaken, we keep running the capitalist, consumer-driven rat-race that is quickly coming to an end. Chani could've helped a lot of people deal with the upcoming changes. Actually, I'm pretty sure she's doing that anyway. Good luck and happy trails, sweet lady. The candle is lit. The incense is burning and the seeds are sprouting.

Hello Job, Good-bye Life?

I googled successful businesswoman images and this came up. I couldn't resist.

Anyway, the job situation is looking up with a couple of good opportunities that I'm following up on. Everything from retail store management to greenhouse assistant (which is of course just a fancy term for LABORER).

I'm eager to return to work, but it really is like "Hello, Job, Good-bye Life" if I obtain full-time work which is looking entirely possible now.

Sorry I wrote such a short post, dad. You can look a little longer. (hee hee)

Mundane Matters

I've been in Lakeside a month and am adjusting to the new location and the new live-in relationship well. The job search continues but I knew it would be difficult and I just keep applying, dropping off resumes and making contacts. Something will turn up, but I have to wonder how sustainable it will be.

In my chemical dependency group this week one of our members related a story about going to the emergency room after a suspected seizure. She takes medication for Reynaud's Syndrome which has already caused her to lose the tip of one of her fingers. She inadvertently took two 60 mg pills instead of two 30 mg pills after a prespcription change and was suffering fainting and seizure spells. When she explained to the nurse what happened, the nurse immediately said, "Well, I'll put overdose on the chart." She then proceeded to treat the woman rather poorly and implied that she shouldn't have brought her son to the emergency room with her. The woman was so shook up that talking about it caused her to burst into tears at the relating of it. She couldn't understand why the woman felt it necessary to treat her like that. I can't understand it either. I just know I've been treated the same way at times when it wasn't appropriate and it hurts.

I'm meeting one of my LSR friends for lunch today and am excited about that. It's always good to connect with other recovering people with whom I share a history.

I'm continuing my study of permaculture, the inevitable(?) collapse of civilization and how the principles of permaculture as a response to collapse relate to recovery. I'd be happy to hear opinions. Yes, that's an invitation.

Because the personal is political

Sometimes an anonymous commenter comes along who really makes me think. Which, in my opinion, is always a good thing. In his last comment, anonymous said, "I don't think it makes sense to say that society wants addicts in the throes of their addictions. Using behavior is unstable, expensive and anti-social."

The comment brings up a very good point. I don't think society, which is different by the way from the individuals that make up a society, consciously wants the addict in their addiction. The individuals in society don't think about it until it affects them personally, nor should they. But when the societal system is observed as a whole - objectively, it works that way. There are certain groups of people who continually get the short end of the stick. These groups are getting larger and larger in case you haven't noticed because they comprise what used to be our entire middle class.

When you say using behavior is unstable, expensive and anti-social I couldn't agree with you more. Here's the thing: everyone is addicted in this society. We're addicted to production and social mania and chasing our own asses in an ever-tightening circle. We're addicted to television, video games and Hollywood, and we're lazy. We've forgotten that good health is directly related to the foods we eat which is directly related to how we treat Mother Earth and all her creatures which is directly related to the lack of meaning most of us have acquired as a result of being part of a dysfunctional, addicted society - this society and this time, particularly.

When I write on Eclectic Recovery I'm holding a much bigger picture than myself and my little problems. This blog has never been just about me. My intent has always been to reach a certain audience who while often quite functional, is still having trouble maintaining sobriety and who is uncomfortable in the more prevalent recovery venues, i.e., AA. In the process of exploring my own issues with addiction, I've become more and more aware of how delusional our society has become as a whole and I've been following the crumbs to what could possibly heal the individual and society at the same time.

My friend, Chani, replied this to your comment: "Anonymous, I've been following this thread and I think you're not seeing the big picture. The way I interpret Angela's observation is in the more global social context. Does the social system we live in right now require an underlcass to survive? You betcha! This is basic economic reality. Addicts are judged and pushed into the underclass because there is a fundamental lack of compassion at the root of our current competitive system where some have to be on bottom for others to remain on top."

She's right. I'm always looking at how the personal relates to the global/social context. Or as my friend, Eric Francis puts it, how the personal becomes political.

Permaculture? What's that?

Brent and I drove over to Plains, a couple of valley's over, to look at some wood Brent was considering purchasing to build his front door. It's going to be gorgeous - blue pine with an authentic ship's portal for a window and a great handle which we're still hunting. We met a couple last summer at a summer fair where they were displaying his woodwork and her homemade jams, soaps and good stuff like that. We talked to them for quite awhile that day and exchanged numbers. Their names are Dan and Laurie. Dan has the wood. He's looking to come up with a few nice production pieces and produce and distribute them. He's very, very good.

Dan and Laurie have chickens, hogs, several garden areas, two lambs, fruit trees, a well, and a field mouse named Minimus for a pet. Dan and Laurie are doing permaculture and they'd never heard of it. I was in heaven. We're going back to spend some time with them this week, even though it's an hour's drive one way. Brent has already learned a lot from Dan and I'm dying to spend some time with Laurie and pick her brain about things. Starting with chickens.

I've been reading and soaking in the information at Carolyn Baker's website and have discovered some striking similarities between addiction-recovery-freedom and collapse-initiation-permaculture.

Addiction/Collapse

A/C - Spiraling out of control.
A/C - Common symptoms - denial and rationalization.
A/C - Instant gratification.
A/C - Stunted emotional growth.
A/C - Lack of meaning.
A/C - Loneliness/depression/use.

Recovery/Initiation

R/I - Forced or led out of denial.
R/I - Desire to change - pursuit of change.
R/I - Emotional growth resumes.
R/I - Meaning returns.
R/I - Connections are made and communities sought.
R/I - With meaning comes optimism and hope.

Freedom/Permaculture

F/P - Maintenance of change and continued ongoing change.
F/P - Goals become clearer, more defined.
F/P - Willing to continually delay gratification.
F/P - Inner life deepens, relationships improve.
F/P - Mental health continues improvement as meaning deepens.
F/P - Communities flourish under new rules-new definitions.

Now, that last one, that seems to be the question both personally and politically. Will communities flourish? Can people come together and do the hard work and consider the earth and each other?

Anonymous wrote me again and I'm very appreciative of his/her comments. My next post will address his comment and Chani's reply and hopefully clear some things up regarding Eclectic Recovery and what it's all about.

I start my chemical dependency group this week here in Kalispell. I'm looking forward to that and to our visit to Dan and Laurie's. Still doing my computer work at the library, but hope to write again tomorrow. In the meantime, stay sober, love each other and read ingredients.

It's called Permaculture

It always surprises me, as much reading and exploring as I do, when I come upon something that truly resonates with me on many levels. As I mentioned in my last post, my thoughts have followed a pattern of wanting to find a way of treating the addict inclusive of their place in society - rather than exclusive of it. That seems to be one of my problems with AA and related programs; I see them as separating rather than integrating the addict. A lot of people are able to use these programs to re-enter their lives fully and stay on a recovery path, but just as many use the programs as another way to avoid responsibility, practice delusional thinking and stay firmly within the addiction whether they're using or not. The anonymity factor, which I believe is actually a very good spiritual principle, does nothing to mitigate the shame factor and self-rejection that so many addicts suffer from. And it's convenient for society to separate themselves further from the problem as well. It looks to me like another cog in the addictive wheel like the war on drugs and the "just say no" campaigns. If we could just say no we wouldn't be addicted. Hello.

I first heard about permaculture through Starhawk's writings, but I thought it was mainly a gardening technique when it's actually much more than that. It's a philosophy, a way of life, a holistic model for individuals and society and more than anything I've read about, it seems to hold a lot of answers for the problems that face us now.

It's based on three ethics and 12 principles. They are:

Ethic #1 Care for the earth
Ethic #2 Care for people
Ethic #3 Fair Share

Principle # 1 Observe and interact
Principle # 2 Catch and store energy
Principle # 3 Obtain a yield
Principle # 4 Apply self-regulation and feedback
Principle # 5 Use and value renewable resources and services
Principle # 6 Produce no waste
Principle # 7 Design from patterns to details
Principle # 8 Integrate rather than segregate
Principle # 9 Use small and slow solutions
Principle #10 Use and value diversity
Principle #11 Use edges and value the marginal
Principle #12 Creatively use and respond to change

I'm just getting my thoughts together about how this can relate to recovery from addiction, but some are pretty obvious. Observe and interact, apply self-regulation and accept feedback, integrate rather than segregate, creatively use and respond to change- these are the obvious ones. And of course, permaculture is a community-based philosophy and you know how much I love that.

So that's the big solution I'm seeing right now. In the meantime, I continue to observe myself, apply self-regulation and accept feedback and don't drink one day at a time. And in the long-term I envision building a life worth living where all people are treated with dignity and respect and are valued for their contribution to the whole. I can only start with me but I'm interested in what my brilliant blogger friends think about this.

I'm working on a laptop and can't figure out how to get my links in, but I'll link to Starhawk and some of the permaculture sites soon. I'm going to a permaculture workshop Saturday and then on to Brent's. We made the decision. Boy am I eager to have a home again and get my kitten back! Thanks for visiting Eclectic Recovery.

Doing the Right Thing

A big part of my thought process about the causes and solutions of addiction have long included the thought that individuals don't do addiction alone. I know I had plenty of help, plenty of sweeping it under the rug, plenty of handing it to me on a platter and then blaming me for eating the whole thing, plenty of not minding how fucked up I was as long as I kept doing what you wanted me to do. Plenty of people who as long as they had me to point the finger at didn't have to take a good look at themselves.

The only "publicly sanctioned" program for addiction is based on the central premise that all addicts are self-centered, egotistic maniacs who go through life with the intent purpose to get all they can, damned the people in their way and damned the consequences. It seems mighty convenient to the existing paradigm that two white, male, affluent businessmen began this program which in my opinion only further served to ostracize the addict from society, especially the female, ethnic or poverty-based addict. This program fit perfectly with the ruggedly individualistic, god of our fathers mind-set which has gotten us all right where we are today - on the verge of collapse.

Then we threw the baby out with the bathwater by creating programs based solely on addiction as a medical disease with thoroughly medical solutions when nothing could be further from the truth. This has led to much in-fighting within the addictions field with camps both professional and lay caught up around the "disease" concept. This has now become part of the problem and as long as we're focusing solely on defining the problem, we're not putting enough effort on solving it.

Addictions are flourishing as fast as the programs meant to put an end to them. I don't know, but I think we're missing something here.

I've been following what feels right to me in my efforts at sobriety for many years now. True, I have fallen flat on my face and failed miserably, many times. I would propose that that's how true change happens. I would propose that there's something to be said for refusing to go numb in order to get well. I would propose that change is dirty, messy and quite ugly and I'd rather be part of change any day than stagnantly safe.

Society is producing more and more addicts with more and more addictions the same way they helped produce this one. I believe most alcoholics/addicts are actually quite sensitive, caring and fair-minded individuals who find no home on this planet. If you're not tough and abrasive and absolutely drooling at the mouth to live out the American Dream, well, you must be sick. And so we get sick. Because we live in an isolated world where technology and consumerism replace human touch and real caring about other human beings.

I reject it. I've been looking and exploring and testing and I think I've found a big solution. A solution to so much more than addiction, but it will take care of a lot of that, too. The question is: does anyone care??

Flower Essences

I was rummaging through a bag of essential oils I brought with me and discovered a couple of Bach flower essences that I purchased some time ago. Dr. Edward Bach's story is pretty fascinating and you can find it here.

When I first bought the remedies, I liked the idea, but I have to admit that I was pretty skeptical about their efficacy. When I found them again I decided to give them an extended try. The suggestion is to use the remedy daily for a month or until the issue resolves.

Chestnut bud (shown at left) "helps you observe your mistakes objectively so you can learn from them and move on." The remedies are directed at specific personality characteristics or emotional states and similar to homeopathy, they work on a subtle as well as physical level. Also similar to homeopathy, there is no danger in side effects or interaction with other types of medications. The remedies are safe.

Given my history of alcoholism and the continued return to it, sometimes after years of abstinence, Chestnut Bud seemed like a good remedy for me. Many years that I drank I drank because I felt hopeless about the prognosis and the methods of recovery available. I surely wasn't objectively learning from my mistakes and moving on.

An interesting thing has happened and I wonder if it's related to my taking the remedy. I've begun to clearly see how I have projected my shadow around alcoholism onto other people - oftentimes those closest to me. I would convince people that it would be okay for me to drink again, and then I would become angry at them when it didn't work!! In some cases, I stayed angry for a long time and placed the responsiblity for my actions in someone else's hands.

Today I'm able to see this aspect of my personality without judging myself and I realize that these are amends I need to make. I've been reluctant since my AA experience to even approach any kind of amends. Mostly because I truly believe that we all do the best we can at any given time and usually we have no intention of hurting other people. For a long time I've practiced apologizing as quickly as possible when I realize I've done something wrong, but amends seemed like a bigger thing than that to me. Plus, when I was in AA, anytime I attempted amends with someone they looked at me like I was crazy. The exact nature of my wrongs went deeper than whether I stood you up for a date, got drunk and passsed out on you or threw up in your bathroom. I still don't really believe in approaching others with amends. I believe in living them. Words don't mean a thing if you don't stop doing the action - which is why for years I made sure people knew about my problem and that I had a habit of not staying sober despite my best intentions.

I'm grateful for the gift of seeing this clearly and the ability not to beat myself over the head with it. I think all that projection caused me to feel a lot of unneccesary guilt.

I also got Agrimony - "helps you communicate our true feelings rather than hide them behind a cheerful face." I'll report back on that one when I start it.

Cross Quarter Days - Imbolc

This is my new year. At some point over the past few years I realized that this cross-quarter day, the mid-way point in Aquarius, feels like the new year to me. Somewhere along the way I have veered from the traditional holidays because the old ones feel right to me. I can feel the earth's belly starting to warm beneath the snow and ice; I sense the new growth that will be bursting forth in a few short months; I watch each day become a little longer, a little lighter.

The usual celebration would be to light candles, which I can't do in my current living situation, and to feast in honor or Brigid, goddess of smithcraft and poetry, keeper of the sacred fire and caller to modern women to remember their power and use it for a world sorely in need. Tonight I will write of patterns of thought and action that I am letting go, ones that haven't served me or the world for years and years. I continue to meditate on where she wants me to work, what she wants me to do and I put my requests to the stars and try to be patient.

My thoughts and dreams are of permaculture, greening, priestess pathwork, counseling, designing, sobriety and recovery, community, sustainability, writing, ritual. How they can all fit together. How will she weave this web? It will be intricate and beautiful and I will do my best. It never occurs to me that I'm in no position to dream. I'm longing for a new tribe while continuing to honor the old tribe. More connection; common growth. Patience, Angela - that is my mantra.

Happy New Year.

Concrete Suggestions

This was left in the comments on my last post:



What are you doing to stay sober? Your blog heading mentions new ideas for successful recovery, but I wonder what you are doing. I can barely find my way around a computer so blogging certainly isn't an option for me. What about blogging assures recovery? I guess treatment and halfway houses can limit the access to drugs, but I spent a year in jail and got high every day so I don't think incarceration equals sobriety either. I'd like some concrete suggestions if you have them.


Addiction is such a complex illness. I wish I could offer a magic bullet - that one or two or 12 things you could do to ensure your sobriety, but I can't. I have one concrete suggestion: don't drink or use . . . no matter what. If you're attempting abstinence and you do drink or use or find that you can't not use, try again. If you fail again, try again. Remember that in between failing you are succeeding.

While you're doing that, seek out communities (there are lots of links on my blog and on the other blogs I link to) where you can get good support for your efforts. There are many and the numbers and varities of groups are growing by the day. Do what you can to improve your health by good old fashioned exercise and good nutrition, laughing, getting out in the sunshine and doing anything that you truly enjoy doing - without using or drinking. Begin to explore yourself. There's a person inside you who wants to be clean and sober. Befriend him or her. Discover what makes them happy and go for it.

Do it for yourself. You're worth it.

Wolf Moon in Leo

Tonight is the both the first and the largest full moon of 2010. Called the wolf moon by Native Americans because the wolves howled their lonely song to it on cold winter nights in the Rocky Mountains. Wolves. Full moons. Rocky Mountains. It doesn't get much better than that.

I'm visiting Lakeside by way of Polson where I met up with a handsome kitty cat and got some good feline loving. I'm going to visit some friends and leave for Butte again on Sunday.

I was looking at the new moon intentions I wrote two weeks ago and the only one I didn't follow through on was blogging daily and there was nothing I could do about that. My internet connection at the 1/2-way house went down last Friday and hasn't come back yet. I'm trying to figure out a way to make sure I can always get hooked up to the net. I do so much of my life on-line now: a lot of my sobriety support, my blogging (which is also sobriety support), banking, staying in contact with family and friends. It really messes me up when I can't get on the web for long periods of time. I'm at the library in Kalispell now, but it's not the same as sitting with my own computer, a cup of coffee and my own time in which to browse, check your blogs, read Planet Waves, answer e-mail, etc.

As for my other intentions: I am still sober (approaching 90 days); I do believe; I am imagining the rest of my life; I am exploring education and career opportunities but have nothing to report yet and despite still being homeless and jobless, all in all, I'm feeling pretty good about things. Because it's not about things, is it? It's about people and friendship and love and support and faith. Hell, I'm rich.

I'd like to send out some special love to Claudia Cunningham, author; Julie Wenner, Alley Grazer; Miss R, one freakin' incredible human being, and Chani, another one of those. These women, along with my family and many, many others just make me want to be a better person. Thanks, ladies.

Our Lady

Hello Blogosphere

Wireless has been down at the "shelter" all weekend so I walked in flaky, fluffy new snow to the local art/coffee shop to get connected. I have to say that Butte, America is beginning to grow on me. I watched a documentary on the copper mines and all the incredible history that has happened here and I'm seeing the place with new eyes. The "richest hill on earth" has seen its share of controversy, corporate greed (which is a Montana theme unfortunately) and violence. But what stood out to me most in the documentary was the community of miners and their families; how the people took care of each other through strikes that lasted for months going on years and how when the mines no longer provided support, the community banded together and did this: Our Lady of the Rockies. For no pay I might add. You know I love having her watching over me. I've never been all that attracted to the more christianized forms of the goddess, but I'll take what's available. I'm learning to love where I am, who I'm with, and the manifestations of the divine as they present themselves to me.

I also watched another documentary on Marija Gumbitas, an archaeologist who had the cajones and the brains to flip the archaeological world on its ear with her ideas about Old Europe and the religion they practiced. Of course, it looks like a no-brainer when you watch the documentary, but apparently the academia still doesn't accept a lot of her theories. What a brilliant woman. I think people won't accept it because they literally cannot imagine a time when there was peace, harmony and cooperation among humans. As for me, it gives me hope. If we did it once, we can do it again. And what beautiful art they did. I envision future humans millenia from now discovering Carla Sander's art and concluding that there were indeed some civilized people that lived during our era.

Did I mention I'm considering school? Addictions counseling and/or graphic design. Wish me luck on the financing.

Much, much love.

What Matters

Much to my surprise, I'm enjoying the living situation I now find myself in. True, my private space consists of a 10' x 8' cubicle, but hey, who's measuring? I have plenty of private time and what seems even more important, plenty of community time if I want it. Meals are taken in a community dining room, residents share the dinner cooking, there's a recreation room with workout equipment (and my yoga mat) and usually a good movie with good company in the evenings. It makes me wonder why we all feel as if we have to live alone or with one other person if we don't end up with a traditional family unit. It makes me want to create recovery communities where people can live and contribute and be supportive of each other and their local economy, grow organic food, provide a needed service to the community (yes, I have one in mind). And have their pets, of course. I do miss that kitty of mine.

Now, if Ted Turner would just pop in and provide the capital, I'd have it made, wouldn't I?

I have a couple of jobs at the moment and they are to keep my eye and heart on what matters, which is my sobriety, and to nurture the vision that I have for myself and for how I might begin to make a difference in this crazy fucked up world. As is evident from earthquakes in Haiti to our new Senator in Massachusetts, things are getting worse. People don't know where to turn or what to do and I figure it's the whack jobs like me and you who will come in and save the day. Maybe that's why they thought I had a problem with "grandiosity" in treatment, huh? Oh well, I won't let them take my dreams.

Sweet ones to all of you.

PAWS - It's not your kitty's foot

Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome is the period of time after acute withdrawal from alcohol or drugs. Acute withdrawal occurs within 3-10 days while post acute withdrawal can last anywhere from 3 months to 2 years and some forms may even cause permanent, if intermittent, symptoms.

Terrence Gorski was the first to coin the term and identity the syndrome. Mr. Gorski is a pioneer in the field of addiction and especially relapse prevention. Studies now show that it takes a minimum of one year for the brain to heal from addiction and often much longer.

The symptoms of post acute withdrawal can include any or all of the following:

Inability to think clearly which includes an inability to concentrate, an inability to solve problems and rigid, repetitive thinking.

Memory problems.

Emotional overreaction or numbness.

Sleep disturbances.

Difficulty in managing stress and day-to-day life circumstances.

Depression.

Anxiety.

The major challenge for a person newly recovering is discovering how many of these symptoms will go away with continued abstinence and how many may be due to co-occurring disorders such as anxiety and depression.

The amount of stress encountered in early sobriety directly affects how severe a person’s symptoms will be. That’s why it’s so important in the first couple of years of sobriety to keep stress levels at a minimum and do everything we can to take good care of ourselves – mentally and physically. This is also why it’s advised to stay away from certain people, places and things in early recovery and why it helps so much to be around people who understand addiction and recovery from it.

When I got sober in 1988, PAWS was not known about, but I certainly suffered from it and would’ve been helped at the time by a better understanding of what was happening with me. For the first two years of my sobriety I had all of the above symptoms and most of the time felt like I was going nuts. At two years, I finally sought help for what had become debilitating depression and anxiety and was placed on medication that, along with continued abstinence, brought a lot of relief.

I’ve come to believe that my history of chronic relapse has been in great part due to untreated PAWS and I’m grateful for the work that Mr. Gorski has done in this field.

Now that we know what it is, how do we deal with it? Not surprisingly, the things that help PAWS are those same good lifestyle habits that reinforce sobriety and a life worth living. They include:

Good nutrition.

Exercise.

Relaxation.

Interpersonal coping skills.

Talking it out – therapy or group support.

Writing it out – journaling.

If the symptoms make it extremely difficult to maintain sobriety or to maintain a normal daily life, medication may be necessary and you should, of course, consult with an addiction professional.

It’s fortunate that we now know the biological causes of post acute withdrawal and don’t have to be strapped with labels like “dry drunk”. I believe my PAWS was worsened by the guilt I felt that I wasn’t working the program properly, that my character defects were unchecked and that I didn’t have enough conscious contact with my higher power. The truth is, guilt on top of PAWS will only exacerbate the problem.

Today I know that my daily program must include good nutrition, exercise and relaxation and that I should try and keep my stress levels to a minimum. Next I’m going to write about the Relapse Cycle as Terrence Gorski describes it and talk about how I think PAWS kept me going through that damned thing over and over again.

The Foundation

While I was in treatment I had lots of time to think about the things that continually trip me up in my quest for sobriety. I targeted PAWS (Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome), depression/anxiety, lack of assertiveness and ability to effectively deal with daily problems and an ambiguousness when it comes to defining the illness. What I mean by that is that I fluctuate between thinking/believing it's a disease over which I have no control except abstinence and thinking/believing it's something that with enough personal, psychological and/or spiritual growth, I can overcome, meaning in my mind that I will be able to drink normally.

They talk about this very thing in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous when they say that the great illusion of all alcoholics is that they will someday be able to drink like normal people. Many, they say, pursue this illusion to the gates of insanity and even death.

The first time I went through treatment, in 1988, I was taught about the disease concept and it made a lot of sense to me at the time. I held on to that belief during all the six years I was sober, but after I relapsed I wanted to think there was a way I could drink. I just wanted to be like other people; I just wanted to be able to take it or leave it, but I never could. And because the drug had re-entered my system, the insanity of the addiction returned. I spent many years trying to find a loophole - maybe if I do this drug and just don't drink, it'll be okay; maybe if I only drink wine with dinner it will be okay; maybe if I just ignore it it will go away or if I read just the right book or pray just the right prayer. . .

I can't do any of it because it's a disease that causes my body to react differently to alcohol and drugs than "normal" people's bodies do. It's not caused by a psychological or spiritual condition, it creates psychological and spiritual problems. I got a double whammy with having clinical depression/anxiety along with alcoholism and they will both need to be treated for me to live a whole and fulfilling life.

So the foundation of my recovery is accepting that alcoholism is a disease and that I have it. It's accepting that I can't drink or use no matter what if I want to live. It's accepting that the majority of people in the world will still think it's a character weakness and there's not a damn thing I can do about that. It's also being grateful that I've made it this far and that I still have a chance. It's being grateful that maybe my story will stop someone else from making the same horrible mistakes that I've made. It's realizing that I still have time to put this disease into remission and keep it that way.

I think it's a good foundation. Tomorrow I will write about PAWS which I believe made it very difficult for me to get out of the relapse cycle. I underestimated its power; I underestimated a lot of things about this disease.

My Treatment Experience

I entered MCDC on November 22 and was released on January 4th. Here's how the end of 2009 played out for me: Friday the 13th birthday in detox; Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's in treatment. I cannot for the life of me summon up any sadness for these events. I was right where I was supposed to be, doing right what I was supposed to be doing. Of course, all the love that came my way didn't hurt a bit.



I would like to say that treatment was a totally positive experience, but I'm a little too honest for that. MCDC is a state-run facility and they're understaffed, underbudgeted and the overriding energy of the place is absolute chaos. Don't even ask me about the food; I was sure I was being poisoned at first. 3,000 calories a day and probably 80% of it carbohydrates. Don't even ask me about my weight upon release. My only other long-term treatment, in 1988, was a country club compared to MCDC.

Offsetting the general disorganization of the place was a group of counselors that are obviously committed to their jobs and have great passion for helping people find recovery.

I didn't sleep much at all for the first 12 nights I was in treatment. 2-3 hours a night was the max and I would awake in a complete state of panic, which I had actually been doing for a few months before going in. It's completely unnatural and very disconcerting to go from 0-100 in seconds and by the 13th day I really felt I was losing my mind. I had been hoping that my sleep would even out on its own, but it never did. I was finally, at threat of leaving, put on a medication that helps me sleep. Since I was informed that MCDC was a facility specializing in treating co-occurring disorders (that is mental health + addiction) I was somewhat disappointed that I had to go through such a horrible experience before receiving the help I so desperately needed. I went in knowing what my problems and issues were. I had been working in outpatient treatment for months trying to get them under control and yet I was treated just like a drug-seeking addict out only for the next good fix. I began to wonder if they knew anything at all about me, if they had even read my file or spoken with my addictions counselor in Polson. I still wonder it. Like I said, they're understaffed.


Once I began to sleep I was able to focus more on my treatment and one of the things I needed to work on most of all was my passivity. My passive behavior has gotten me into more trouble in the past few years than anything ever in my life. That, hand in hand with alcohol, led me to be jobless, homeless and at times in complete and utter despair. I was discouraged with the lack of counseling I was receiving, the lack of mental health assistance and the overall chaotic nature of the facility and its administrators. I also saw very clearly how some of the most manipulative patients were able to work the system to their favor and I don't mind telling you, it pissed me off. So I began to verbalize my complaints beginning with the fact that I didn't receive my first treatment plan for 2 1/2 weeks and had no scheduled appointments with counselors after the first week.

This action got me exactly nowhere except to almost leave without completing the program which would've jeopardized my chance to come to Homeward Bound, the halfway house for the homeless I'll be occupying for at least the next three months. But I didn't give in, break down or back down. I stood my ground, stayed firmly in my own truth and even though I had to stay a couple of extra days, I left with my certificate and I'm thinking a brand new backbone, which has been growing since the whole Sunrise Vista Inn incident last summer.


I went for an appointment at the Butte Chemical Dependency Center this morning, supposedly scheduled by MCDC before I left, and they had never heard of me. Like I said, they're underbudgeted.



I'm choosing my battles carefully these days and although I considered letters and grievances regarding MCDC, I've decided to let it go. I got what I needed there which was 43 days clean and sober and an opportunity to advocate for myself and the connection with Homeward Bound. It does concern me for other patients who may not be as assertive or determined as I was, but the fact is MCDC is one of the few treatment centers left in the country where you can get good long-term treatment for chemical dependency at little or no cost if need be. Most of us are being shuffled through short-term detox and right back onto the street as was even George McGovern's daughter, Terry, who subsequently died from her alcoholism. But that's another story for another day.

Tomorrow I will write about the foundation for my sobriety. And no, it's not powerlessness; at least not directly.

New Moon in Capricorn

Tonight's new moon is a powerful one, coinciding with a solar eclipse. Because it conjuncts my natal moon in Capricorn, it creates a doorway, a portal of sorts, an opportunity for a deep emotional transformation. The moon is our emotional life and with mine conjunct Saturn and in Capricorn I came in with my share of emotional seriousness. This new moon/eclipse is offering me a chance to move beyond the weight of my early emotional life, to integrate the lessons I've been working on for awhile and to take what I've learned to a new level of awareness. I love it when the planets step in to help and when I'm present through my recovery to work with them. Here are my intentions/wishes for this new moon:



1. Remain sober.


2. Start imagining the rest of my life.


3. Explore education/career opportunities.


4. Blog daily.

5. Believe.

In two weeks, at the full moon, we'll see where I am with imagining a brand new life, what I'm doing to make it happen and how I'm faring in my sobriety. In the meantime, I'd like to hear some of your intentions/wishes.

More from The Sober Kitchen

Awhile back I promised recipes from the fabulous cookbook, The Sober Kitchen by Liz Scott. I've been remiss!! I think this is the first recipe I tried from the cookbook because my then-boyfriend requsted them and he had given me a Kitchen Aid mixer for Christmas. It kind of hurt my feelings that on our first Christmas together he chose a freakin' mixer for a gift, but I have to say that it is well-used and well-loved and I appreciate it a lot. I never liked gingerbread cookies all that much, but these are something different altogether: gingery hot, sweetened with molasses and sugar (I just don't think raw organic sugar used moderately is that big a problem) these cookies changed my mind about ginger cookies forever.

I love cooking and eating as spiritual practice. Sharing well-prepared, healthy food is one of the main ingredients in my recovery program. I have a couple of close friends who I cook with occasionally and there's nothing that can't be resolved with four arms and two female brains having fun in the kitchen.

My dad's heart attack and subsequent by-pass surgery changed the way my family ate. My dad spearheaded the change and while we didn't eat poorly when I was growing up, we didn't necessarily eat that healthily either. During the year following his surgery, my dad lost 65 lbs., changed his entire way of eating and lifestyle, began exercising and has managed to maintain it all for what, 15 years now, dad? 16? Anyway, it was an absolute pleasure to witness this change. Well, that is until he started wearing tight jeans and cowboy boots. Hey, what happened to my dad!

Chewy Double Ginger Molasses Cookies

3/4 cup canola oil

1 cup sugar, plus a bit more for rolling

1 large egg

1/3 cup blackstrap molasses

1 3/4 cup all purpose flour

2 teaspoons baking soda

1 teaspoon ground ginger

1 teaspoon ground cinnamon

1/2 teaspoon salt

1/2 cup finely diced crystallized ginger

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

In a large mixing bowl, beat together the oil and sugar until well combined. Add the egg and molasses and beat for another 2-3 minutes.

In a medium-size mixing bowl, combine the remaining ingredients, except for the crystallized ginger, and whisk together. Add the dry ingredients to the oil mixture a little at a time, combining well after each addition. Stir in the crystallized ginger.

Form the cookie dough into balls about the size of small whole walnuts and roll in sugar to coat evenly. Place, without flattening, on an ungreased cookie sheet and bake until the cookies have spread out and tops appear crackled (this is just gorgeous!!), 8 to 10 minutes. Remove from the oven (the cookies will still be very soft) and let stand on baking sheet for 2 minutes before transferring to a wire rack or brown paper bag to cool.

Here in the Polson village we have been sharing the best corn muffins. Carrot-ginger corn muffins, cheesy corn muffins, plain corn muffins, honey corn muffins. I know of 5 of us who have whipped up one batch, maybe two, and they've all been so very good. Plain corn muffins are especially good in venison chili, all smushed up, with some jalapenos and sour cream. Oh dear.