Friday, December 5, 2008

What Makes This Time Different?

I've been wondering if this attempt at sobriety will be any different from the many other times I've stayed sober, and unfortuantely, eventually drank again. In the past, these thoughts would have brought extreme panic and anxiety and fear! Now it's more of a current running under the surface waves. There's no panic and very little fear, but I can still feel the anxiety in my body and it's not necessarily a bad thing - it keeps me aware.

I had a soul-changing experience the day I quit - November 11th, but will that be enough to keep me sober through the remaining years of my life? Who can say? At this point, all one can do is stay sober today with a nod to doing the same thing tomorrow. But I'm wondering if I will get a few months in and decide to experiment again. Why have I experimented? Well, it's because I believed in the possibility of affecting a complete and total cure from alcoholism, a cure that would include a return to moderate drinking. And I know it's possible because I know people who have done it. Here's the thing: I haven't done it. I haven't done it and I'm not as young as I used to be, but I'm still young enough to feel like I have a lot of life yet to live. Since moving to Montana six years ago, I've developed a lot of things for myself that I didn't have before. In the most mundane of terms, I feel like I've finally individuated, that I have the courage to actually be myself without guilt even if the regret hangs around.

I'm wondering if I would ever go back to AA or try any other recovery program and I'm pretty sure the answer is no. I find them too dogmatic, too strict and fundamental. I think recovery should be expansive and I don't find myself expanding in those formats. Lifering Secular Recovery is the only thing I've found where you build your own program and the group acts soley as a support for that, but I'm not inclined to go rushing back there either.

I am, however, interested to see what I will do. Today I feel good, and like everything, that will change and I will feel bad, and then I will feel good again. That's life. I'm glad to be part of it.


Craig W. said...

I'm very glad you've resumed this blog, Angela. The story continues ...

Anybeth said...

welcome back.

Angela said...

Thanks, you guys.

thailandchani said...

I'm also glad you've resumed. (It looks like my last comment got nuked somehow.. which doesn't surprise me.)

I'm still reading although I might not be able to comment as much because I'm stuck on dial-up for the time being. That means "data stream interrupted" messages and very long waits.

But i'm here. :)


Linda said...

Hi Angela, Someone from LSRSafe List mentioned your blog and I read some of your stuff. You are very articulate with expressing yourself. I'm on Day 1 (again) of sobriety. I like your holistic approach and I too enjoy Eckhart Tolle's work. I hope you don't mind that I read you from time to time and other posters. I am building a recovery toolbox for myself and I learn from different people. You've got a good thing going here. Maybe I will create my own blog just so I can journal my journey. I'm not even sure how to create one, but I can usually figure things out after some time studying.
Linda Jean

Angela said...

Thanks, Chani.

Well, Linda Jean, that's what a blog is for - hopefully so people will read it! I'll be looking forward to hearing your comments and let me know if you get a blog going - I'll put you on my blog list. And good luck to you!

Linda said...

Angela, thanks for replying. Actually, not all blogs are for open viewers. I would like to create one for myself for no other eyes but myself. I got the start of it going, and I made a sidebar for the daily task that I want to do, but when I go to post, that sidebar disappears. Can you help? I tried for an hour now and can't seem to find the solution. The whole point of my personal blog is so I can see my goals in front of me as I post and see if I missed anything that I set out for myself for that day. I wont' allow me to do that, and I do have the google blogspot account. Thanks! Linda

Angela said...


I'm sorry, but I don't really know how to help you. I would need to be sitting at the computer and seeing what is going on. I hope you get it figured out though!

pvslayer said...

I've been dying to ask you: Do you believe alcoholism is a disease? And if so, how do you define the disease? If not, what do you believe it is?

That should keep you busy!!

LOVE YOU!!!!!!!

Angela said...


Thanks for providing the material for my next post!!