Saturday, December 27, 2008

The Holidaze

It's been a rough week for me. The cowboy went to California to see his family and my friend and employer, Roberta, is in Portugal so I've been alone at work, alone at home and right now my head is a bad neighborhood to be alone in. I don't know when the tears will come and when they come I don't know when they'll stop. I made some phone calls yesterday and wrote a couple of friends this morning. My one goal for today is to make contact with someone I can talk to - physical, face to face contact. Next week I hope to see someone (as in a professional) about depression, which has always gone hand in hand with alcoholism in my life. Right now, I'm not really sober and not really drinking and neither action seems to make much difference.
My ability to be in denial until I'm almost unable to function is amazing even to me. Maybe that's part of the problem, though, is that somehow I do keep functioning. I get up, get dressed, go to work, smile, say I'm fine and believe it. Ever heard the term highly functioning alcoholic? That's me. Only I ain't functioning so well right now. I saw a movie recently where the main character had disassociative (sp?) disorder. That's how I feel. I'm unable to connect with anything right now in any meaningful way. I'm just going through the motions. It's not much fun. To say the least.


thailandchani said...

Hi Angela .. I'm sorry you've hit this rough spot. I've been there too many times to mention. Dissociation is just a way to tolerate the pain for now. It's unlikely that you'll be stuck there.. but I know isolation is definitely one of my triggers, too. Best advice? Get your ass out of the house... no matter what!

I'm available for you. I hope you know that. :)


Sherri said...

Good advice, get out of the house for any reason whatsoever. I know what it's like to be lonely, only my poor choices usually involve men rather than drink. Just give yourself permission to have those feelings, take some of the pressure off yourself. I know we're not face-to-face, but I'm down here in OK rooting for you.

Angela said...

Sherri & Chani,

You are both so sweet. Thank you very much for writing. I'm off work now and heading over to my friend, Claudia's house. Sherri - you know Claudia. Will at least spend the afternoon there - maybe the night. Thanks again!

Mary LA said...

So sorry to hear you'e having such a bad time. Do take care -- I found that as a high-functioning whatever, I wouldn't ask for help until I was desperate.
Go gently and take care sweetie

Hugs and love


Olivia said...

You're in my thoughts, Angela. Everyone has such good advice, and you're taking care of yourself. I send you my love, O