Tuesday, June 10, 2008

No More Karma

Eckhart Tolle says that you can't solve a problem on the same plane on which it was created. I believe him. It's been a valiant effort, but what I've been doing here is trying to solve a problem that was born of ego and is continually fed by ego - by putting my ego to it in every conceivable way. I know many people who do this quite successfully. And I'm in despair because I don't know how to reach the solving plane. I've prayed; I've meditated; I've sought god and goddess and have not even heard a whisper. And it's not about alcohol at all; ah how much simpler if it actually were.

I visit your blogs, I read and I am moved, but I cannot find words to comment. I sleep, and want to sleep some more. I cry and there is no relief. I go through the motions. I hate going through the motions. I don't want to write a "negative" blog post so I don't write at all and the poison begins to back up in my system. I witness and observe my own despair. I will not act on it in the same ways. I will not tell you how well I am. I will not tell you how I'm conquering my demons. I will not tell you that I even care whether I drink or not, because I don't. But I am not - and still, the demons.

The very best that I can do now is to create no more karma.

I wrote that in the wee hours of the morning. It is not "edited for content" and the grammar stinks, but it's how I felt at the time. I cried until I had no more energy and it was then I realized that was a good thing - the negative energy had been released and all that was left was space. I sat with a morning storm, the wind and the rain cleansing. I feel sort of ridiculous posting this, but it's the only thing that's come up that feels authentic lately. Do you ever have nights like this? Sometimes I just have to laugh at my own drama.


Anybeth said...

Sometimes the wee hours of the morning are when the demons of bad feelings come to us. then by the light of day we are left wondering what was so scary and painful?

I'm glad that a good cry and the daybreak brought you some relief.

thailandchani said...

Well, I know it sucks to hurt.. but what I read there is transformation. Ego is what creates craving and dissatisfaction.. suffering. Now that you see that, you've won a degree of liberation already.

May you find contentment and peace - in that knowledge.

Sherri said...

I appreciate reading about all your stages of growth, because so often they mirror mine. I understand, though, how hard it is to expose the negative feelings. I tend to shrink from my blog during hard times, too, when what I really should be doing is bringing those things out into the open. (Most of the time!)

Sometimes I feel like life is a rubber band stretching and releasing over and over. The tension builds then snaps and I say, "Oh, so THAT's what that was about."

You're doing a great job. Keep on keepin' on.

The Electric Orchid Hunter said...

If we don't laugh at our own drama, no-one ever will. Aah, the long dark tea-time of the soul, as Douglas Adams calls it. It makes me think of the lyrics of a song by Depeche Mode, called I Feel Loved. Penned by the band's songwriter, Martin Gore (himself struggling with alcohol and demons):

It's the dark night of my soul
And temptation's taking hold
But through the pain and the suffering
Through the heartache and trembling

I feel loved
I feel loved

As the darkness closes in
In my head I hear whispering
Questioning and beckoning
But I'm not taken in

I feel loved
I feel loved

From the depths of my emptiness
Comes a feeling of inner bliss
I feel wanted, I feel desired
I can feel my soul on fire

I feel loved
I feel loved

He once explained it like this: "It's about that time when you feel the worst you have ever felt in your life, and then you suddenly think: the Universe must like me for making me feel like this, for taking such an interest". So - there's that...

Olivia said...

Yes, Angela, I feel like this...often, even...as I struggle with depression. I too, don't like to blog if I have nothing inspirational to say, but you're right in that this can be a wonderful time to blog.

It sounds like you dealt with it in a cleansing and energetically positive way, though. Like you got a lot OUT, which probably needed to happen. I would like to be able to do this; unfortunately I often choose distraction instead of going through uncomfortable feelings.

You sound to me as though you are being courageous in a difficult time...

Sail on, and may the wind fill your sails soon,




Lee's River said...

oh yeah. the amazing thing about that deep pit of misery place is that it feels so lonely when it's probably the most crowded spot in all of the created universes ;-)
No, I'm not making light of the pain, believe me. Just marveling at how the system works that we can feel so isolated in our mental stuff - when, at the same time, the mental stuff happens to be so important to our survival and sense of personal worth. Weirder than weird.
All this to say - you may feel like you're all alone. But you're not.

julesgp187 said...

Gods, YES.

oh yeah. the amazing thing about that deep pit of misery place is that it feels so lonely when it's probably the most crowded spot in all of the created universes

Lee's River hit that one on the head. For all the melodrama we might feel we put ourselves through and express in writing or art, that doesn't make it any less real or valid. So you have words for how you feel. Just because other people might not be able to acknowledge those words or look at them in the light of day doesn't mean they shouldn't have some spcae.

Julie said...

I get it, Angela. Oh MAN do I get it. We want to get to the point of understanding something so that we can move on but sometimes we JUST CANT, no matter how much we try.
Tears are a very good, cleansing start.
I wish you some peace today.

Island Girl Spirit said...

I think this is beautiful writing Angela . . . right from the heart . . . thank-you for sharing and being so honest. Kel

Rick Hamrick said...

There's nothing but a dead end down the road of taking ourselves too seriously.

I'm a big believer in cleansing tears, and an even bigger believer in cleansing chortles.

When you can call on both, you are in luck, for the combination allows the dumping into the toilet of the garbage stuff inside, while also allowing the electric rejuvenation of a hearty laugh.

I don't know about you, but I have had times when I could not decide which was running the show, and I laughed while crying! That's one which can mystify onlookers, for sure.

Angela said...

Thanks to everyone for your comments. I know I'm not alone when I get to spaces like that, but it helps to hear it, too. :)

Julie from Atlanta! I thought you were gone - couldn't get your blog up for awhile. I'm so glad to be reconnected with ya!

Grace said...

I hate going through the motions too, its good to read such honest post

bella said...

yes, I feel this.
these words ring so true.
and I hear you on the empty space after getting it all out.
it feels really, really good in its own way.
and even better is when we can let ourselves have this, fully, and then in the morning see it all clearer and offer ourselves nothing but love for our own dramas.
we all have them :)
I'm thinking of you.

jennifergg said...

oh my, yes. and it never seems overly dramatic when you're in the moment with it...it only seems very real, very big, and very powerful.

i'm glad you're feeling better...