Powerful New Moon

We are about to experience a powerful new moon (that's when the moon and sun are conjunct in the sky - the sun's light is blocked and the moon becomes "invisible"). What makes it so powerful is that this new moon is also conjunct one mind-blower of a planet party at the same spot in the sky (Aquarius) with Neptune, planet of fantasy, imagination, illusion and denial right there with Chiron, planet of awareness of wounds both personal and societal. In case anyone's been noticing, our society is currently struggling through the death throes brought on by our own fantasy and delusions, fed by the corporate media conglomerate, the military-industrial complex and each and every one of us. It's getting time to wake up from our collective nightmare and start making it look more like a lovely dream.

I'm not an astrologer, nor do I wish to be, but I'm sure I read the most relevant, important astrologer working today. His name is Eric Francis and he's captain of a small team of highly intelligent and creative activists/writers/journalists/artists/astrologers/meaning-makers and I would even venture to say, spiritual pioneers. I always intuited there was something to astrology, but until my own studies coincided with Eric's writing, I couldn't quite make it all fit together in a coherent fashion. Maybe it was all that alcohol?? Go figure.

Eric's website, Planet Waves, operates on subscriptions. You will not be bombarded with any kind of advertising when you visit and the daily blog is always avaiable for free with fascinating stories, chart delineation and sometimes just good entertainment. Eric has been kind enough to extend several subscriptions to me either at a lowered rate or free of charge since I've been having job and home troubles and the only way I have to give back is to direct people to his fabulous work, which I am honored to do. I'm pretty sure someday I'll be able to pay him back, but at this moment, I don't have a clue what that will look like and it doesn't really matter.

Following are some excerpts from this week's subscriber edition which I found to be great examples of the work being done there. If you want to ride the cutting edge of a brand new business model, observe stunning photography, read excellent writing and support a growing venture on the forefront of the changes that need to be made, visit Eric and the gang. And don't forget to let him know I sent you so maybe he won't cut me off!!

Lunar events such as the New Moon tend to precipitate the energy of slower-moving patterns, and once again this lunation qualifies. The Sun and Moon are gathering for a sendoff to the conjunction. And as the Sun and Moon light up the inner sky with their mix of yang and yin energies, what do we see? With any luck, the incredible potential for choice, for movement, and in particular, to direct our awareness anywhere we want.

Yet looking around, it's clear that we're alive in a moment of extreme polarization, and for many, deep and even unspeakable personal fear. Looking at what we're up against at this time in history, I see a world society in crisis and many people struggling to adjust. Though many deny this fact, others are aware that our postindustrial, postmodern, post-rational civilization is approaching a critical turning point. This may be something in the physical environment, and it's clearly something in the psychic/psychological environment: in truth it's about where the two intersect, but we keep missing the point; we keep projecting it outside ourselves.

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Then we're up against ourselves: our own need to grow, seemingly against all these odds, and with not enough time; and our resistance, and our lack of skills to adapt to an environment changing so fast it would make an astronaut nauseous. We've been subjected to numerous shutdown campaigns and often many find themselves in states of anxiety and even panic. After being deskilled, numbed out and trained to say no to sex, work in cubicles and to eat plastic food, we wonder why it's hard to get in a good mood and wage revolution. And time keeps going faster. I propose at least half a day be inserted between Monday and Tuesday to help us stay on top of things.

Finally, we're coping with having limited relationship skills, including leadership skills, in a time when we need them dearly. Some say it's men, some say it's women, bisexuals know it's both. There are a lot of people for whom this whole communication thing, relationship as awareness and growth, focus on the purpose of existence, is as ordinary as a UFO landing in their backyard. The little critter comes out chirping and, well it must be meaningful.

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The fact that you would choose to improve your life, to make a difficult decision or to wake up from a long spell of personal despair can and likely will have significant influence on the human environment that surrounds you. And by the same principle, the environment with which you surround yourself has a significant influence on the ease or difficulty of your improving your own existence.

We are now experiencing the peak energy of Chiron conjunct Neptune. Chiron's primary role is to raise awareness, almost always with the intention of healing oneself. Often it is awareness alone that sets the energy of change and progress in motion. Reminded of this, we have some great motivation to pay attention, and take to heart such ideas as, "When I am healed, I am not healed alone," or, "Become the change you want to see."

As a special treat at this new moon, Jupiter and Venus will be visible in the western sky just after sunset. The diagram above is from the Sky and Telescope website.

I'll be back tomorrow with my new moon intentions for this month. Thanks for visiting. Go see Eric and the gang and happy skywatching.

The Relapse Cycle

Phase 0: Core Attitudes/Beliefs

Phase I: The remission phase (life is good)

Phase II: Intense stress phase (stress is rising)

Phase III: Negative mood phase (acting out on stress)

Phase IV: Pre-relapse phase (setting up self/others)

Phase V: Destructive behavior phase (actual relapse)

Phase VI: Rewards phase (what you got from use)

Phase VII: Conscience phase (guilt)

Phase VIII: Defense Mechanisms (cover up feelings)

In treatment we were shown a video by Terrence Gorski about the relapse cycle that many people with addiction fall into. Mr. Gorski stated that mistaken beliefs about this cycle create massive discrimination against relapse-prone addicts. When he said that, a flood of tears began to fall from my eyes. I realized that someone understood what had been happening to me and I figured if someone understood then someone could help me find my way out of it.

I saw this video the last weekend I was in treatment, in other words I almost missed the damned thing after being there for six weeks.

Mr. Gorski has determined that relapse is the process of becoming dysfunctional in sobriety and using or drinking is usually the end phase of the process rather than the beginning. Mental disorders and moderate to severe Post Acute Withdrawal contribute to relapse susceptibility. Of the people who enter treatment 1/3 stay permanently sober (this is much higher than 10-15 years ago), 1/3 will have periodic relapse before attaining long-term sobriety and 1/3 will be relapse-prone, meaning they will continually be challenged by relapse potential. I am, unfortunately or not, one of the final third. It's estimated that addicts that enter treatment have an average of 60-75% moderate to severe brain dysfunction which will drastically improve with continued abstinence. When I have days like I've had yesterday and today I continually remind myself of both PAWS and the improvement with abstinence factor.

Basically what happens (and I can't tell you how many times it's happened to me) is that you're going along in phase I, things are going well, you've been feeling better physically and mentally, making all treatment activities, etc., and something throws a kink in the system. Something causes an undue amount of stress that is then denied unconsciously. The unconscious denial activates the brain dysfunction which eventually becomes external dysfunction. This has commonly been known as being on a "dry drunk", BUD (building up to drink), neurotoxicity, alcoholic fog and protacted withdrawal.

Phase II is the best point to nip the process in the bud. You'll know you're entering Phase II when appointments or meetings are missed (not consciously), defense mechanisms are activated, depression or anxiety becomes uncomfortable, a physical illness sets in or you just begin to feel not quite right in your recovery.

Phase III will be punctuated by arguments with spouse/friends/employer, sleep dysfunction, lack of ability to concentrate, hanging out in slippery places and consciously not participating in recovery activities.

In Phase IV things are getting really dangerous as preparation is made for use. This phase is highlighted by fantasy, selection of drug and place to use and dishonesty with others, ususally by omission, about plans to use.

There's a common term for Phase V in recovery circles - it's called the fuck-it switch, when we finally reach the point where use actually seems like a good idea. Oftentimes we are so dysfunctional by now that suicidal thoughts are common and life feels pretty hopeless. It's important to remember that it's not - it's a phase and when we get here it's time to reach out for that helping hand and recommit to our recovery.

House Notes

Well, it was a gorgeous day today in Butte, America. Sunny and bright with light wisps of cloud, and warm at 32 degrees farenheit. After morning yoga I decided to drive 20 miles to the Fairmont Hot Springs and had a delicious soak in the springs with the Anaconda/Pintler Range as a backdrop. Can't beat it for a Sunday.

Yesterday I drove one of my housemates to do some errands around town. He's a handsome black man with 2-foot dreds and no legs. He lost them jumping a train. His wheelchair fits in the backseat of my little Toyota after the wheels come off and go in the trunk. He treated me to lunch as a thank you. I believe it's only the 2nd meal I've eaten out here, the first being the day I was released from treatment.

There are a dozen men, one family of five and five women in the house right now. Several have had health problems that caused them to lose everything and are now homeless because of it. Most of the people here have never been without a home prior to now. They are some of the strongest people I have ever met.

The cowboy is coming to visit next weekend for Valentine's Day, which is odd enough without my thinking he might be going to pop the question. Not necessarily the marriage question, which neither of us much believe in, but the time to move in question. He's closing in on being finished with the new house - the kitchen cabinets go in next week and as soon as the ground thaws the water will be connected and then everything is a go. I applied for a job in the area which would be great as that's where I'm planning to attend school. I love him a lot. I want to be with him. I wonder if I'm ready. I think I might be. But I'm not sure. Are you ever??

I'm practicing my religion more, well, religiously. Yoga is part of that as is tarot, ritual, meditation, journaling, dreamwork and earthwork. I won't name my religion but you could call me the Good Witch of the West if you wanted.

Take care, all. Much love.

Happy Horseshit, The Addictive Society and Substance

I have an anonymous commentor who isn't impressed with Eclectic Recovery. I initially responded with anger and struck back because I honestly don't understand people who feel the need to strike out at others from their own hurt places. I usually turn that hostility inward. Neither way is very effective. Anonymous indicated that I am being selfish and have no interest in helping others and nothing could be further from the truth. I'm reminded of a video I saw by Father Martin in treatment in which he stated that the worst pain can come from having your intentions misinterpreted. Father Martin was right about that.

Anonymous called my last post "happy horseshit" and I won't disagree with him/her on that score. The more happy horseshit I develop in my life the more joyful and fulfilling my recovery. Anonymous also indicated that I wasn't writing anything here of substance and with that I have to take exception. Perhaps he/she doesn't understand how to find their way around a blog so here are links to some of my more informative posts on recovery from addiction: Post Acute Withdrawal, dealing with pain, practicing radical accpetance, negative emotional states. cooking in recovery, Medicine Wheel recovery, reviews on recovery books here, here and here, nutritional supplements, gratitude, and H.A.L.T. Just to name a few. Also, if you're interested, there's plenty in the blog archives (which you can reach by scrolling through the date entries in the left-hand column) about what hasn't worked. I've been honest about my failures and successes here and I've had quite a few slip-ups in my attempts at sobriety. Also in the left-hand column are links to other websites I utilize and find helpful - some directly related to recovery from addiction, some not.

I'm reading a book now, "Willpower's Not Enough" by Arnold Washton, Ph.D., and Donna Boundy, M.S.W. which is a very practical, informative and easy-to-read missive about dealing with addictions. There's a chapter titled, "The Addictive Society" and here's an excerpt:

It is now widely known that children growing up with chemically-dependent parents are at high risk for developing addictions themselves. But what we are just starting to realize is that growing up in an addictive society affects us all too - in many of the same ways.

In fact, it may be all but impossible to grow up in our present culture and not acquire at least some vulnerability to addiction. That's because the addictive personality traits (an emphasis on image, cravings for power and control, denial, dishonesty, just to name a few) are increasingly reflected in society's values and trends. And it's a self-perpetuating process. Certain trends create the conditions in which addiction thrives, and growing numbers of addictive people reinforce these trends.

Our society, in a sense, is becoming a large dysfunctional family. And just as children in dysfunctional families become prone to addiction as they try to adapt to their troubled family, so too are we becoming more addiction prone as we try to adapt to the larger dysfunctional system in which we live.

In other words, it's become the ocean we swim in. We don't even notice how bombarded we are by sick, abusive and violent messages; we don't stop long enough to hear our own heartbeat and we certainly don't listen out for anyone else's.

I have long been frustrated about how society uses addicts and alcoholics as scapegoats for their own shadow aspects. There are many shadow tendencies that are not as overt as chemical depdency but which are just as destructive for society and the individuals that make up society. For instance: sexual addiction, gambling, corporate greed, animal and earth cruelty, image glorification, misuse of food and many, many others. Anonymous' behavior is a small example of the problem: visit a blog, read one post, decide it's crap and attack the person writing it. My little blog may not be doing much to heal society's ills, or even my own, but it's a start to being the change I'd like to see in the world.

So thanks, Anonymous, for making me think, take another look at what I'm doing here and giving me something to write about today.

Request to the Universe

I am so grateful for the many blessing that have been bestowed upon me. At times it seems as if I'm ungrateful, but usually I'm just confused about things and now they are becoming more clear to me. The more awake I become the more I realize how abudant the universe actually is, how there's quite enough for all of us. As Marianne Williams says,

"You are a child of god. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure about you. We were born to manifest the glory of god that is within us."

As a woman who sees herself in the divinity of the feminine, I would use goddess or at least god/goddess but I'm trying not to get caught up in semantics. It's just that the language we use is so powerful. But, I digress.

I'm going to leave blessings for her all over the town of Butte today in hopes that she hears my prayer and grants me one more blessing.

Cross Quarter Days - Imbolc

This is my new year. At some point over the past few years I realized that this cross-quarter day, the mid-way point in Aquarius, feels like the new year to me. Somewhere along the way I have veered from the traditional holidays because the old ones feel right to me. I can feel the earth's belly starting to warm beneath the snow and ice; I sense the new growth that will be bursting forth in a few short months; I watch each day become a little longer, a little lighter.

The usual celebration would be to light candles, which I can't do in my current living situation, and to feast in honor or Brigid, goddess of smithcraft and poetry, keeper of the sacred fire and caller to modern women to remember their power and use it for a world sorely in need. Tonight I will write of patterns of thought and action that I am letting go, ones that haven't served me or the world for years and years. I continue to meditate on where she wants me to work, what she wants me to do and I put my requests to the stars and try to be patient.

My thoughts and dreams are of permaculture, greening, priestess pathwork, counseling, designing, sobriety and recovery, community, sustainability, writing, ritual. How they can all fit together. How will she weave this web? It will be intricate and beautiful and I will do my best. It never occurs to me that I'm in no position to dream. I'm longing for a new tribe while continuing to honor the old tribe. More connection; common growth. Patience, Angela - that is my mantra.

Happy New Year.

Concrete Suggestions

This was left in the comments on my last post:



What are you doing to stay sober? Your blog heading mentions new ideas for successful recovery, but I wonder what you are doing. I can barely find my way around a computer so blogging certainly isn't an option for me. What about blogging assures recovery? I guess treatment and halfway houses can limit the access to drugs, but I spent a year in jail and got high every day so I don't think incarceration equals sobriety either. I'd like some concrete suggestions if you have them.


Addiction is such a complex illness. I wish I could offer a magic bullet - that one or two or 12 things you could do to ensure your sobriety, but I can't. I have one concrete suggestion: don't drink or use . . . no matter what. If you're attempting abstinence and you do drink or use or find that you can't not use, try again. If you fail again, try again. Remember that in between failing you are succeeding.

While you're doing that, seek out communities (there are lots of links on my blog and on the other blogs I link to) where you can get good support for your efforts. There are many and the numbers and varities of groups are growing by the day. Do what you can to improve your health by good old fashioned exercise and good nutrition, laughing, getting out in the sunshine and doing anything that you truly enjoy doing - without using or drinking. Begin to explore yourself. There's a person inside you who wants to be clean and sober. Befriend him or her. Discover what makes them happy and go for it.

Do it for yourself. You're worth it.

Wolf Moon in Leo

Tonight is the both the first and the largest full moon of 2010. Called the wolf moon by Native Americans because the wolves howled their lonely song to it on cold winter nights in the Rocky Mountains. Wolves. Full moons. Rocky Mountains. It doesn't get much better than that.

I'm visiting Lakeside by way of Polson where I met up with a handsome kitty cat and got some good feline loving. I'm going to visit some friends and leave for Butte again on Sunday.

I was looking at the new moon intentions I wrote two weeks ago and the only one I didn't follow through on was blogging daily and there was nothing I could do about that. My internet connection at the 1/2-way house went down last Friday and hasn't come back yet. I'm trying to figure out a way to make sure I can always get hooked up to the net. I do so much of my life on-line now: a lot of my sobriety support, my blogging (which is also sobriety support), banking, staying in contact with family and friends. It really messes me up when I can't get on the web for long periods of time. I'm at the library in Kalispell now, but it's not the same as sitting with my own computer, a cup of coffee and my own time in which to browse, check your blogs, read Planet Waves, answer e-mail, etc.

As for my other intentions: I am still sober (approaching 90 days); I do believe; I am imagining the rest of my life; I am exploring education and career opportunities but have nothing to report yet and despite still being homeless and jobless, all in all, I'm feeling pretty good about things. Because it's not about things, is it? It's about people and friendship and love and support and faith. Hell, I'm rich.

I'd like to send out some special love to Claudia Cunningham, author; Julie Wenner, Alley Grazer; Miss R, one freakin' incredible human being, and Chani, another one of those. These women, along with my family and many, many others just make me want to be a better person. Thanks, ladies.

Our Lady

Hello Blogosphere

Wireless has been down at the "shelter" all weekend so I walked in flaky, fluffy new snow to the local art/coffee shop to get connected. I have to say that Butte, America is beginning to grow on me. I watched a documentary on the copper mines and all the incredible history that has happened here and I'm seeing the place with new eyes. The "richest hill on earth" has seen its share of controversy, corporate greed (which is a Montana theme unfortunately) and violence. But what stood out to me most in the documentary was the community of miners and their families; how the people took care of each other through strikes that lasted for months going on years and how when the mines no longer provided support, the community banded together and did this: Our Lady of the Rockies. For no pay I might add. You know I love having her watching over me. I've never been all that attracted to the more christianized forms of the goddess, but I'll take what's available. I'm learning to love where I am, who I'm with, and the manifestations of the divine as they present themselves to me.

I also watched another documentary on Marija Gumbitas, an archaeologist who had the cajones and the brains to flip the archaeological world on its ear with her ideas about Old Europe and the religion they practiced. Of course, it looks like a no-brainer when you watch the documentary, but apparently the academia still doesn't accept a lot of her theories. What a brilliant woman. I think people won't accept it because they literally cannot imagine a time when there was peace, harmony and cooperation among humans. As for me, it gives me hope. If we did it once, we can do it again. And what beautiful art they did. I envision future humans millenia from now discovering Carla Sander's art and concluding that there were indeed some civilized people that lived during our era.

Did I mention I'm considering school? Addictions counseling and/or graphic design. Wish me luck on the financing.

Much, much love.

What Matters

Much to my surprise, I'm enjoying the living situation I now find myself in. True, my private space consists of a 10' x 8' cubicle, but hey, who's measuring? I have plenty of private time and what seems even more important, plenty of community time if I want it. Meals are taken in a community dining room, residents share the dinner cooking, there's a recreation room with workout equipment (and my yoga mat) and usually a good movie with good company in the evenings. It makes me wonder why we all feel as if we have to live alone or with one other person if we don't end up with a traditional family unit. It makes me want to create recovery communities where people can live and contribute and be supportive of each other and their local economy, grow organic food, provide a needed service to the community (yes, I have one in mind). And have their pets, of course. I do miss that kitty of mine.

Now, if Ted Turner would just pop in and provide the capital, I'd have it made, wouldn't I?

I have a couple of jobs at the moment and they are to keep my eye and heart on what matters, which is my sobriety, and to nurture the vision that I have for myself and for how I might begin to make a difference in this crazy fucked up world. As is evident from earthquakes in Haiti to our new Senator in Massachusetts, things are getting worse. People don't know where to turn or what to do and I figure it's the whack jobs like me and you who will come in and save the day. Maybe that's why they thought I had a problem with "grandiosity" in treatment, huh? Oh well, I won't let them take my dreams.

Sweet ones to all of you.

Quote from Kahlil Gibran

One may not reach the dawn save by the path of the night.

PAWS - It's not your kitty's foot

Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome is the period of time after acute withdrawal from alcohol or drugs. Acute withdrawal occurs within 3-10 days while post acute withdrawal can last anywhere from 3 months to 2 years and some forms may even cause permanent, if intermittent, symptoms.

Terrence Gorski was the first to coin the term and identity the syndrome. Mr. Gorski is a pioneer in the field of addiction and especially relapse prevention. Studies now show that it takes a minimum of one year for the brain to heal from addiction and often much longer.

The symptoms of post acute withdrawal can include any or all of the following:

Inability to think clearly which includes an inability to concentrate, an inability to solve problems and rigid, repetitive thinking.

Memory problems.

Emotional overreaction or numbness.

Sleep disturbances.

Difficulty in managing stress and day-to-day life circumstances.

Depression.

Anxiety.

The major challenge for a person newly recovering is discovering how many of these symptoms will go away with continued abstinence and how many may be due to co-occurring disorders such as anxiety and depression.

The amount of stress encountered in early sobriety directly affects how severe a person’s symptoms will be. That’s why it’s so important in the first couple of years of sobriety to keep stress levels at a minimum and do everything we can to take good care of ourselves – mentally and physically. This is also why it’s advised to stay away from certain people, places and things in early recovery and why it helps so much to be around people who understand addiction and recovery from it.

When I got sober in 1988, PAWS was not known about, but I certainly suffered from it and would’ve been helped at the time by a better understanding of what was happening with me. For the first two years of my sobriety I had all of the above symptoms and most of the time felt like I was going nuts. At two years, I finally sought help for what had become debilitating depression and anxiety and was placed on medication that, along with continued abstinence, brought a lot of relief.

I’ve come to believe that my history of chronic relapse has been in great part due to untreated PAWS and I’m grateful for the work that Mr. Gorski has done in this field.

Now that we know what it is, how do we deal with it? Not surprisingly, the things that help PAWS are those same good lifestyle habits that reinforce sobriety and a life worth living. They include:

Good nutrition.

Exercise.

Relaxation.

Interpersonal coping skills.

Talking it out – therapy or group support.

Writing it out – journaling.

If the symptoms make it extremely difficult to maintain sobriety or to maintain a normal daily life, medication may be necessary and you should, of course, consult with an addiction professional.

It’s fortunate that we now know the biological causes of post acute withdrawal and don’t have to be strapped with labels like “dry drunk”. I believe my PAWS was worsened by the guilt I felt that I wasn’t working the program properly, that my character defects were unchecked and that I didn’t have enough conscious contact with my higher power. The truth is, guilt on top of PAWS will only exacerbate the problem.

Today I know that my daily program must include good nutrition, exercise and relaxation and that I should try and keep my stress levels to a minimum. Next I’m going to write about the Relapse Cycle as Terrence Gorski describes it and talk about how I think PAWS kept me going through that damned thing over and over again.

PAWS tomorrow

I'm not going to have time to write about PAWS today and give it the space it needs so I'll save it for tomorrow.

Life in the halfway house is developing a rhythm and it's a slow, soothing kind of rhythm. The weekend has been quiet with lots of time to read, journal and reflect; to study the astrology and the cards; to be with the silence.

I read "The Biology of Belief" by Bruce Lipton and while a lot of it was over my head I get the gist of it. I've read Candace Pert and Gregg Braden and they're all coming up with the same thing: science and spirit are finding their way back to each other, and we're all going to be the better for it. Kind of crazy we ever had to separate them, but that's just how the cookie crumbles as they say. Bruce coined a new term which I love: Survival of the Most Loving. That would be as opposed to survival of the fittest for which we of course have Mr. Darwin to thank. Don't you like loving much better? I do. Plus, it gives me more of a chance at said survival. I'm getting pretty good at loving.

And right now I'm sending love out to all of you. May you have a peaceful moment of contentment, a heartfelt warming of love and a most blessed day.

The Foundation

While I was in treatment I had lots of time to think about the things that continually trip me up in my quest for sobriety. I targeted PAWS (Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome), depression/anxiety, lack of assertiveness and ability to effectively deal with daily problems and an ambiguousness when it comes to defining the illness. What I mean by that is that I fluctuate between thinking/believing it's a disease over which I have no control except abstinence and thinking/believing it's something that with enough personal, psychological and/or spiritual growth, I can overcome, meaning in my mind that I will be able to drink normally.

They talk about this very thing in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous when they say that the great illusion of all alcoholics is that they will someday be able to drink like normal people. Many, they say, pursue this illusion to the gates of insanity and even death.

The first time I went through treatment, in 1988, I was taught about the disease concept and it made a lot of sense to me at the time. I held on to that belief during all the six years I was sober, but after I relapsed I wanted to think there was a way I could drink. I just wanted to be like other people; I just wanted to be able to take it or leave it, but I never could. And because the drug had re-entered my system, the insanity of the addiction returned. I spent many years trying to find a loophole - maybe if I do this drug and just don't drink, it'll be okay; maybe if I only drink wine with dinner it will be okay; maybe if I just ignore it it will go away or if I read just the right book or pray just the right prayer. . .

I can't do any of it because it's a disease that causes my body to react differently to alcohol and drugs than "normal" people's bodies do. It's not caused by a psychological or spiritual condition, it creates psychological and spiritual problems. I got a double whammy with having clinical depression/anxiety along with alcoholism and they will both need to be treated for me to live a whole and fulfilling life.

So the foundation of my recovery is accepting that alcoholism is a disease and that I have it. It's accepting that I can't drink or use no matter what if I want to live. It's accepting that the majority of people in the world will still think it's a character weakness and there's not a damn thing I can do about that. It's also being grateful that I've made it this far and that I still have a chance. It's being grateful that maybe my story will stop someone else from making the same horrible mistakes that I've made. It's realizing that I still have time to put this disease into remission and keep it that way.

I think it's a good foundation. Tomorrow I will write about PAWS which I believe made it very difficult for me to get out of the relapse cycle. I underestimated its power; I underestimated a lot of things about this disease.

My Treatment Experience

I entered MCDC on November 22 and was released on January 4th. Here's how the end of 2009 played out for me: Friday the 13th birthday in detox; Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's in treatment. I cannot for the life of me summon up any sadness for these events. I was right where I was supposed to be, doing right what I was supposed to be doing. Of course, all the love that came my way didn't hurt a bit.



I would like to say that treatment was a totally positive experience, but I'm a little too honest for that. MCDC is a state-run facility and they're understaffed, underbudgeted and the overriding energy of the place is absolute chaos. Don't even ask me about the food; I was sure I was being poisoned at first. 3,000 calories a day and probably 80% of it carbohydrates. Don't even ask me about my weight upon release. My only other long-term treatment, in 1988, was a country club compared to MCDC.

Offsetting the general disorganization of the place was a group of counselors that are obviously committed to their jobs and have great passion for helping people find recovery.

I didn't sleep much at all for the first 12 nights I was in treatment. 2-3 hours a night was the max and I would awake in a complete state of panic, which I had actually been doing for a few months before going in. It's completely unnatural and very disconcerting to go from 0-100 in seconds and by the 13th day I really felt I was losing my mind. I had been hoping that my sleep would even out on its own, but it never did. I was finally, at threat of leaving, put on a medication that helps me sleep. Since I was informed that MCDC was a facility specializing in treating co-occurring disorders (that is mental health + addiction) I was somewhat disappointed that I had to go through such a horrible experience before receiving the help I so desperately needed. I went in knowing what my problems and issues were. I had been working in outpatient treatment for months trying to get them under control and yet I was treated just like a drug-seeking addict out only for the next good fix. I began to wonder if they knew anything at all about me, if they had even read my file or spoken with my addictions counselor in Polson. I still wonder it. Like I said, they're understaffed.


Once I began to sleep I was able to focus more on my treatment and one of the things I needed to work on most of all was my passivity. My passive behavior has gotten me into more trouble in the past few years than anything ever in my life. That, hand in hand with alcohol, led me to be jobless, homeless and at times in complete and utter despair. I was discouraged with the lack of counseling I was receiving, the lack of mental health assistance and the overall chaotic nature of the facility and its administrators. I also saw very clearly how some of the most manipulative patients were able to work the system to their favor and I don't mind telling you, it pissed me off. So I began to verbalize my complaints beginning with the fact that I didn't receive my first treatment plan for 2 1/2 weeks and had no scheduled appointments with counselors after the first week.

This action got me exactly nowhere except to almost leave without completing the program which would've jeopardized my chance to come to Homeward Bound, the halfway house for the homeless I'll be occupying for at least the next three months. But I didn't give in, break down or back down. I stood my ground, stayed firmly in my own truth and even though I had to stay a couple of extra days, I left with my certificate and I'm thinking a brand new backbone, which has been growing since the whole Sunrise Vista Inn incident last summer.


I went for an appointment at the Butte Chemical Dependency Center this morning, supposedly scheduled by MCDC before I left, and they had never heard of me. Like I said, they're underbudgeted.



I'm choosing my battles carefully these days and although I considered letters and grievances regarding MCDC, I've decided to let it go. I got what I needed there which was 43 days clean and sober and an opportunity to advocate for myself and the connection with Homeward Bound. It does concern me for other patients who may not be as assertive or determined as I was, but the fact is MCDC is one of the few treatment centers left in the country where you can get good long-term treatment for chemical dependency at little or no cost if need be. Most of us are being shuffled through short-term detox and right back onto the street as was even George McGovern's daughter, Terry, who subsequently died from her alcoholism. But that's another story for another day.

Tomorrow I will write about the foundation for my sobriety. And no, it's not powerlessness; at least not directly.

New Moon in Capricorn

Tonight's new moon is a powerful one, coinciding with a solar eclipse. Because it conjuncts my natal moon in Capricorn, it creates a doorway, a portal of sorts, an opportunity for a deep emotional transformation. The moon is our emotional life and with mine conjunct Saturn and in Capricorn I came in with my share of emotional seriousness. This new moon/eclipse is offering me a chance to move beyond the weight of my early emotional life, to integrate the lessons I've been working on for awhile and to take what I've learned to a new level of awareness. I love it when the planets step in to help and when I'm present through my recovery to work with them. Here are my intentions/wishes for this new moon:



1. Remain sober.


2. Start imagining the rest of my life.


3. Explore education/career opportunities.


4. Blog daily.

5. Believe.

In two weeks, at the full moon, we'll see where I am with imagining a brand new life, what I'm doing to make it happen and how I'm faring in my sobriety. In the meantime, I'd like to hear some of your intentions/wishes.

Butte, America

For someone who is going to live in a halfway house for the homeless I sure am excited. It's an odd thing to feel free of so much of that old energy that was keeping me down. While in treatment I was given a clear picture of how alcohol and drugs ensure that I will stay mired in old patterns that don't serve me or anyone. I won't entertain regret, but will keep company with the intense gratitude I feel for the love I have in my life, for 60 days of continuous sobriety and the inner knowing that I will take care of myself.

While in treatment I was asked what I would most like my family and those friends who have stuck by me through thick and thin to know about my alcohol and drug use. What I would like them to know is that it's not me. It's a disease, weakness, illness, malady, whatever you want to call it, over which I am powerless. However, I do have power over my recovery. I have the power to continue to seek those who understand and can help. I have the power to set an intention for myself and follow through on it. I have the power to let go of anything and everything that doesn't support my sobriety and to reach for those hands that do.

I am sorry I made such a big freakin' mess in the process. But, you know, life is messy and I truly believe we're all just doing the best we can until we can do better. I understand my job: Don't drink, seek support and give back; allow the universe to unfold through the awareness that keeps all of us breathing and the awareness that accompanies us when we're done breathing. Live in gratitude. Express love. Let go of judgement of yourself or anyone else. Forgive.

Look out Butte, America. Angela is on her way.

Where is Home?

I completed 43 days of treatment and I am sober. They don't play around at MCDC and it was a difficult experience, one I'm still processing. Many times I disagreed with their tactics and I almost left twice feeling that I wasn't getting the treatment I needed. But it is slowly dawning on me that in that very short period of time I became a much stronger person. I found my center and they helped me find it. Special thanks to my team: Peggy, Richard, Sharon and Vicky. These people are making a difference in the world in a field that is fraught with failure, disappointment and heartache. And they keep doing it, day after day. They continue to learn about the disease, to try new things to help those of us who have it and to love each and every one of their patients. It's a tough love sometimes; it's a good love all the time.

The love and support I received from my blogging community was incredible. Many of you wrote and sent beautiful packages that encouraged me to continue when I felt like quitting. It was pure magic to receive these gifts of the heart. The only way I can thank any of you enough is to stay sober and begin to make my own difference in the world, in honor of each and every one of you: my friends.

I've decided to return to Butte to a halfway house. I will stay there at least three months. It's bittersweet - leaving this little town I've called home for 7 years. I love this place. I believe the lake and the mountains kept me alive, not to mention the incredible friends and teachers I've had here: Claudia, Julie, Roberta, Ben, Marsha, Teresa, Heather. People who kept believing in me despite evidence that maybe I wasn't going to make it after all.

Of course, my family has been with me through this whole painful and rocky trip. No kidding. I have the best family in the entire world.

I'm pretty sure I won't stay in Butte any longer than I have to in order to re-structure my life and financial situation - 6-9 months I figure. I don't know where I'll land. Where will home be? Will I come back to Polson? Opt for Missoula? Will I be called back to Georgia for a time? It doesn't distress me at all. Because I finally know where home is. It's in my heart and it goes with me everywhere.

Magic

This is my treatment altar. Every piece on this altar has deeply personal meaning, from the










three sisters figure to the driftwood that represents my Uncle Ronald, who died 10 years ago this Thanksgiving. Ronald dealt with a lot of the same things I do, but he couldn't see a way out.





My great-grandmother's linen hankie and pieces from my folks and sisters complete the offering to the ancestors, both living and dead.


My homies from Georgia are represented: Celeste, Wendy, Joni, Melinda and Steve. Pam House.


The people I know from Montana, friends both past and present are represented. Claudia, Julie, Jan, Ben, Shawn, Marsha, Barbara, Bill, Robert, Roberta, Lynn, Bob Mc., Phyllis, Judith, Karen, Bobbi, Peggy, Tracy, Brent.


My power animal - a giant midnight panther with vivid green eyes is represented. He comes to me in the night and assures me that all is well; all is as it should be; all is actually quite perfect.



My very best blogging friends are represented: Olivia, Chani, Mary Louise, VR, Anybeth, Julie, Gabriella, Dorothy, AngelP. (See side bar for links)

My LSR friends.


I could write an entire very long post (and I tried to) about the astrology we're experiencing. Strong personally for me. Strong collectively for us as a society. But, nobody does it like Eric Frances and his excellent team at Planet Waves so if you're interested, visit him there.


My tarot cards have been freaky in their accuracy. I read several people's cards in detox and they were all pretty surprised with how well they fit their circumstances. I just do either a five card spread on a situation or a 3 Major, 5 Minor spread. I find it much more effective than some of the longer spreads.



I'm leaving for the Montana Chemical Dependency Center in Butte, MT, USA at 9 am sharp. The rest of the evening for me is about self-care, ritual, prayer and connection. Packing, cleaning and last-minute phone calls. I feel pretty overwhelmed but I know I'm going to a good place and I believe they can help me get over the experiences of the past few year and provide a good foundation for the sobriety to follow. I know without a doubt this is what I need to do and I'm ready and I'm taking lots of love and support with me. Good ancestry. Good friends.



The address where I will be is: MCDC, 2500 Continental Drive, Butte, MT 59701 Attn: Angela Nolan. I would appreciate any communication by mail, especially as I am going to be there through the holidays.

I love you all.

Magic - More Altar Pics

Marty is fine

Marty is fine. I'm leaving for in-patient treatment on Sunday and am working on an extra special post that I'll get up before I leave. Thanks for all your prayers, love and support.

The Divided Life

My experience in detox was in a facility in Kalispell called Pathways. I went there 3 years ago and got off ativan and managed to stay sober four months. The facility and the staff are top-notch. I've never been treated so well anywhere and it feels good to be treated well when you're being treated for alcoholism. The staff is not only non-judgmental, they're actually kind and genuinely concerned and helpful. As alcoholics/ addicts we're used to being judged harshly and treated poorly in the places that are "supposed" to help. But Pathways gets it right.

When I went to treatment in 1988 for 28 days, it was also at a top-notch treatment facility and it was the education and the boost I needed to get clean and sober then. But what makes treatment a magical experience is the other patients. I stayed in touch with several people I met in treatment in 1988 for many years and though I've now lost touch with them, I think of them often. Especially Duane Pennington.

There was a core group of us in Pathways that really connected and bonded. I've already spoken with three of them. One of them has psychotic depression, alcoholism and god knows what else and he's charming and handsome and was probably brilliant before alcohol ate most of his brain. His name is Marty and he and Mary and Sarah and Kim and Polly and Isaac and Tom and I made each other laugh. We made each other believe we could stay sober. We cried for each other's losses, encouraged each other to not give up and it felt like we'd known each other for years. Marty made the mask in the picture and gave it to me when he left yesterday. I knew he wasn't ready to leave.

He called me tonight to say good-bye. He says he's done - he can't do it - can't go on. He's made serious suicide attempts before. He lives too far for me to drive there and I'm not sure I would anyway. I hope he was bluffing, but I kinda doubt it especially considering the scar from one side of his neck to the other where he cut his throat before. I'm putting this post up as my prayer that the sheriff gets there in time. I only knew the guy for 7 days but I fell in love with him of course. I fell in love with all of us with all of our problems and addictions and depression and loss. I'm always brought to my knees by what some people can live through, humbled at the power of the human spirit to be restored. I don't want Marty to die and I am utterly powerless to do anything but sit and wait for a phone call. And pray. Pray for all of us. Hold the vision of well-being that is our birthright as spirit manifesting in physical form and hold compassion for how far most of us are off the mark. If he's not dead by morning, I will not give up on Marty.

Detox Over

Well, I stayed a little longer than planned for detox but am home and should be hearing when I can be admitted to the long-term (30-45 days) in-patient treatment. I want to thank everyone who has left comments and I want you to know that I've felt your love and prayers. Alcoholism has once again made a big mess of my life, but I am 100% committed to my recovery first and foremost above anything, everything, anyone and everyone. If I don't have my recovery, I don't have anything. I will write again before I leave and again, thank you so much for your encouragement.

Will Be Away

I will be away for a few days. I'm going to get detoxed and I'll just have to face everything when I return. I'll resume my treatment activities until they can get me a bed at in-patient. I will be back.

What Happens to Me

It's going to be two weeks before I can get into treatment. I'm not drinking now.

The last few times I've begun drinking after a period of sobriety - four months in April when the tension with the owners of the Inn got to be too much, two months the last two times, it's like I'm actually leave my body. I'm observing myself get the alcohol but I don't feel like I have any control over whether I do it or not. The only place I felt really safe was at Claudia & Bob's house and I suppose I should've stayed there but I needed to check on Attaboy and they've already been way too kind to me by opening their home when I needed a place to stay.



So my hope is that in an in-patient treatment facility they can begin to help me with the mental health issues that accompany my alcoholism. The medication I'm taking for depression helps a lot but my anxiety is hard to control and I literally get into this frozen place - body frozen, mind frozen, spirit frozen. I have severe insomnia and sometimes go a week or more without sleeping well. It's my belief that my inability to effectively deal with the depression/anxiety is what causes me to drink again. It's so hurtful when someone thinks I'm just making all this up or that it's not that bad or that I should just get over it. But I guess that's what the majority of people do think which is why having a recovery community is so important. In a recovery community they understand the powerlessness over alcohol; they understand the deadliness of it; and they understand that there is a real person in there and they're suffering, a lot. Especially if they want to quit drinking, which I do. They understand that we don't want to start drinking and smash our own lives and everyone eise's that we're close to. They understand how difficult it is to gain a foothold on life and sustain it. They will never say it's okay to have a drink and I've had several people very close to me in my life who have said that to me over and over again. "It's okay if you need to take a drink, Angela. We all need some relief sometimes. " Yeah, some relief. These people can be dangerous for us if we take them seriously which I've decided to stop doing.



I see so many women with these same issues. Mosf of them are highly creative, caring, sensitive women and they're usually holding someone else afloat, either financially or emotionally, but they have a helluva time solving their drinking problem. And they're so easy to blame.

Welcome to Hell

I'm very appreciative of the comments left on my last post. I'm into the sick phase now. In the sick phase you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. My red-haired angel has gone home and it's just me and Attaboy and the incessant ringing in my ears. Freida doesn't even want to talk to me anymore. Maybe these are just the ramblings of a woman gone mad - if so, I hope it's entertaining for you.

Since I'm rambling and since this is my blog I'm going to say a few things out loud that no polite southern woman would ever say. The first thing I want to say is that I didn't get here alone; I had plenty of help and until we as a society wake up to the reality of how we treat people we're not going to get very far. The second thing I want to say is that I'm sick and damned tired of being a scapegoat for those who can't see their own darkness. The third thing I want to say is that the best people I know in the entire world are sober alcoholics - whether they're sober through AA or LSR or WFS or just their own will and determination. I would be honored to be counted among their number.

Alcoholism is hell. Throw in some mental health issues and what you end up with is a hard case to solve, but hopefully not impossible. I'm trying to get into a long-term in-patient treatment program. My last long-term treatment kicked off six years of sobriety for me, but I was young then - the world seemed different.

I want to apologize to my family for upsetting them with my blog posts. But this feels like my job and I'm just reporting what's happening as truthfully as I can. If all it does is scare one person into sobriety, well, that is enough.

Nothing

Nothing is keeping me sober today. I'm trying to get to an in-patient treatment run by the state. I keep hearing Ben say "you're hopeless" and I'm pretty sure he's right. But here's the thing: by some strange twist of fate I am still alive and as long as I am I will not give up. I made it 6 days without drinking and I thought this was the time. I really do wish I had the gumption to kill myself but my dear Uncle Ronald won't let me. And besides who would take care of Attaboy?

Roberta wants me out and Brent is not speaking to me. My very good friend, Claudia, has given all she can and I feel like my only friend left is Jackie who was kind enough to visit with me yesterday. Jackie is atheist or maybe just agnostic which is actually a very worse state; one I've been living in for years. At least when you're atheist you know what you believe.

My lips are chapped; I'm totally dehydrated and the diarrehea is coming on - oh, the joys of alcoholism. The ringing in my ears is driving me crazy. I'm pretty sure I won't be around much longer and at this point it would be a blessing. Grace I think they call it. And here I sit for all the world to see, just hoping my own sordid tale will get through to someone who still has time to keep it from happening to them.

Teachability

Teachability is keeping me sober today. Tracy Chapman has a song I used to listen to back in the days when a pint of vodka per night was the norm. Part of the lyrics are, "I've done so many things wrong I don't know if I can do right." That was then. This is now.

Having alcoholism has nothing to do with moral ability. In my case it was activated by the poor coping skills of an 11-year old girl and her very young and inexperienced mother. If it hadn't been that it probably would've been activated by something else but no matter. That 11-year old girl is being given a golden opportunity at 47 to change the pattern.

The most difficult part of this newfound clarity of mine is realizing that there are people in my life for whom my alcoholism is somewhat convenient. Also, realizing that I've gone a long way towards keeping it convenient for them and only I can make the necessary changes to stop that from happening again. We alcoholics make fabulous scapegoats and the longer we fail to solve our drinking dilemma the more vulnerable we become. I, for one, am sick and tired of letting it happen over and over and over again.

Solving my alcoholism is about taking my own power back but I'm no more capable of doing that now than when I was an adolescent. I don't have that kind of power on my own. Luckily, I'm not on my own with it anymore. I have access to another power and right now it's speaking , among others, through Eric Frances over at PlanetWaves:

You have the moxie, the charm, the style, energy and most of all, the personal integrity required to succeed in the way that you want to. In fact, you can forget about everthing on that list except for the last item. Success does not usually happen fast, and we have good reason to question the kind that does. What I am telling you is that you have solid reasons to have faith in yourself. So what if various elements of your romantic (and professional) life make about as much sense as two jigsaw puzzles mixed together. Who cares if there are those nights you feel like you're holed up in a raft on the ocean of your own existence. You actually know who you are. You actually believe in yourself.

He's right. I do. That tastes a lot like freedom to me.

Clarity

Clarity is helping me stay sober today. Clarity about who I am. Clarity about what I need to do. Clarity about the reality of alcoholism; clarity about the reality of recovery; clarity about placing anyone else's needs before the needs of my recovery. Along with clarity comes a whole boatload of hope to go along with it. Because I'm seeing things as they are - not as I wish they were. This is hard-won clarity. I have earned it and I intend to nurture it, water it, feed it and watch it grow.

Clarity about my own character and my own intentions regardless of what anyone else thinks or says. Clarity about that sick feeling I get in my stomach when someone is wanting to keep me in the dark about things. Clarity about how useful I am as an active alcoholic and who I'm useful to, and who I want to be useful to.

Clarity. It's a very good thing.

Building a Life Worth Living

If AA doesn't work for you and if long-term abstinence is elusive, I'd like to introduce you to some processes and ideas that can help. Welcome to Eclectic Recovery, where recovery programs are self-designed, tailored to the individual and most importantly, effective.

It's been over two years since I began writing here on Eclectic Recovery and I began with a couple of goals in mind. The first is selfish and remains so with no apologies: I was looking for a way to live long-term, comfortably, without alcohol. The usual method, i.e., AA, was no longer effective for me and the treatment programs weren't much better. The second reason is not and also remains not with no apologies: I thought there had to be others like me and I hoped to reach and build a community with these people; a community that would help me, and others, find a sustainable sobriety.

Here's a problem with exploring any dark, negative, life-threatening problem on the web: people can't handle their own darkness and they certainly can't handle yours. So no matter how valiant your efforts, if you slip up, people run like crazy and I'm not saying I blame them. Or maybe the blog is just not that good, although I have to tell you when I look at it as a whole, I'm pretty impressed. There's a lot of good information here, and there's a lot of crap here, but I think all in all it's balanced.

To be honest, it was touch and go for a long time as to whether I ever was going to find anything that would be effective for me - in the long-term and considering I just relapsed yet again maybe I shouldn't be as hopeful as I am. But I am. Hopeful, that is. I've been observing several types of recovery communities over the past 20-25 years and something new and beautiful is emerging. My work at the chemical dependency center, with my mental health counselor and my own continued efforts to understand and change my thinking, and thus my life, is starting to take root and I have no idea what the flower will look like, how long it will last or even if it will smell pretty. But the stirrings of new life are unmistakable. I'm learning and awakening in a way I can 100% believe in. No dogma. No rules. Everything I'm doing shares one thing in common: it starts to heal the problem. The real problem, which actually could be different for you, even if it manifests as a problem with alcohol. If it doesn't go toward healing our souls, it's outta here as a method for me. Simplifies things a lot, too.

I have looked at my goals and I still deem them worthy. As a matter of fact, I deem them worthier than ever before, and closer. I am so excited to be alive at this time and right where I am in all ways and it's a privilege and an honor to begin to accept the responsbility of co-creating a life. All I really have to do is make sure the focus stays on my own spiritual connection and behavior and respond as appropriately as possible in any given situation while working to embrace what's empowering, life-affirming, real and most of all helpful. Which is obviously not always as easy as it seems!

If any of you in AA are still reading my blog, I would ask you to give it another chance, maybe get it on your blog roll, in the hopes that it would reach another woman quietly and surely drinking herself to death. I am finding my way though the labyrinth and I want to share. After all, what we're doing here is building a life worth living. Let's get on with it, shall we?

So, every day for at least a month, and that's quite a commitment considering I was romancing taking a midnight swim in a January Flathead Lake, considering that I've moved 4 times in the past year and been through some pretty nasty stuff, both here, and in my professional life, considering I came very close to not making it and considering that I know, personally, of at least 100 women who are spinning their wheels with this thing and slowly dying. Man, that sentence got long. Anyway, considering all that, I'm going to post every day for a month about something that is really helping me stay sober today. I'm going to finally do this like I was told to do it a while ago: do it like it's your job she said. Okay. Okay.

Here are some of the methods we'll be looking at in the coming days, weeks, months and yes, years. Because if I've finally gotten one thing it's that for most of us this is a lifetime deal. Alcoholism and its denizens are chronic, progressive and if not treated, fatal. But I don't want to focus on that because I want you to be as excited as I am about moving forward with life without alcohol. So we're going to be looking at and discussing a varied and very eclectic array of ideas from vampire slaying to dialectic behavior therapy, from mindfulness and meditation to nutrition and exercise. We'll be re-exploring issues like dealing with pain in recovery, dealing with co-occurring disorders like depression and anxiety and learning how to skillfully handle our own emotions and interpersonal relationships. We'll look at possible sources of community other than AA where a person can safely begin to explore their own shadow and how that manifests in their life. We're going to look at what to do if you slip up or totally go on a bender and how most quickly to get ourselves back on our recovery program if that happens. We will look honestly at the damage caused by alcoholism, both to ourselves and the others in our lives. We will not flinch when faced with the darkness in our own soul.

I will tell you about many things that apply to me that won't apply to you. I am not recommending anything - only sharing my own journey and what I'm finding that works for me. If you have been drinking alcohol on a daily basis for quite some time you will most likely need medical assistance to detox. Please don't underestimate, as I have at times, the deadliness of this disease and the danger you and others are placed in when alcoholics drink.

We'll also be looking at some ideas, and people, who can be very dangerous for folks trying to manage their recovery.

There are a few things I promise to never do. I will never blame the alcoholic for having the disease of alcoholism and I will never turn anyone away no matter how many times they "relapse". I will not blame, scold, argue with or attempt to set anyone straight. I will not punish you nor myself any further. I want this to be the safest space possible for anyone desiring to live without alcohol. Also, while this is a blog for people who may find AA difficult or just undesirable, there will be no AA-bashing and that never was what this blog was intended to be about. And no Angela bashing, please. I'll just ignore you, and then delete you.

It's been 60 hours for me without alcohol and in one of AA's somewhat quaint terms I went on a prodigous bender. I would like to say that these are ALWAYS DANGEROUS AND DEFINITELY NOT RECOMMENDED. I try and practice some harm reduction but once I start drinking it's kind of anybody's guess where it might end up. That is scary as all hell. I hesitate to say it, but I've gotten pretty good at rapid detox and I've had some help from dear friends, but it is still horrible. We don't wake up one day and think, oh yeah, that's what I want to be: an alcoholic. Yes, that's it. A life of sobriety, relapse, denial, withdrawal, sickness, hallucinations (my Freida print was talking to me the other night), every negative emotion imaginable - rinse and repeat. No one decides to do that. And it takes a lot of grace and a lot of love to begin to recover. And it takes even more grace and even more love to keep trying over and over, to not be discouraged or disheartened or decide that it's just not worth it, which is unfortunately what a lot of us do every day.

So I hope you'll join me as we once again try to put one foot in front of the other and build a sober life worth living.