Willingness

Only the willing undertaking of responsibility can lead to healing.

Starhawk, The Twelve Wild Swans

Where is Home?

I completed 43 days of treatment and I am sober. They don't play around at MCDC and it was a difficult experience, one I'm still processing. Many times I disagreed with their tactics and I almost left twice feeling that I wasn't getting the treatment I needed. But it is slowly dawning on me that in that very short period of time I became a much stronger person. I found my center and they helped me find it. Special thanks to my team: Peggy, Richard, Sharon and Vicky. These people are making a difference in the world in a field that is fraught with failure, disappointment and heartache. And they keep doing it, day after day. They continue to learn about the disease, to try new things to help those of us who have it and to love each and every one of their patients. It's a tough love sometimes; it's a good love all the time.

The love and support I received from my blogging community was incredible. Many of you wrote and sent beautiful packages that encouraged me to continue when I felt like quitting. It was pure magic to receive these gifts of the heart. The only way I can thank any of you enough is to stay sober and begin to make my own difference in the world, in honor of each and every one of you: my friends.

I've decided to return to Butte to a halfway house. I will stay there at least three months. It's bittersweet - leaving this little town I've called home for 7 years. I love this place. I believe the lake and the mountains kept me alive, not to mention the incredible friends and teachers I've had here: Claudia, Julie, Roberta, Ben, Marsha, Teresa, Heather. People who kept believing in me despite evidence that maybe I wasn't going to make it after all.

Of course, my family has been with me through this whole painful and rocky trip. No kidding. I have the best family in the entire world.

I'm pretty sure I won't stay in Butte any longer than I have to in order to re-structure my life and financial situation - 6-9 months I figure. I don't know where I'll land. Where will home be? Will I come back to Polson? Opt for Missoula? Will I be called back to Georgia for a time? It doesn't distress me at all. Because I finally know where home is. It's in my heart and it goes with me everywhere.

Courage of My Convictions

This is Manjusri, the Bodhiisattva with the Sword of Discriminating Wisdom. She sits on my mantel and I will be invoking her presence and guidance often in the coming weeks.

I know a woman who is healed of alcoholism. She once identified as an alcoholic and spent many years in AA. She no longer has an alcohol problem. She drinks on occasion and it does not affect her life either negatively or positively. She once told me that if I really wanted to recover from the problem to let her know. So I did.

I am beginning a process with her similar in some ways to the 4th Step in Alcoholics Anonymous which states: "We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves." I will be starting by examining all the beliefs of my southern culture, the tribe I was born to. All the beliefs - whether I feel they personally affect me or not. I will meet with her on a weekly basis to do energy work and begin to explore how these beliefs have manifested in my life.

One belief I hold that is not of my culture is that people can recover from alcoholism without abstaining forever. I'm sure this is why I've had ongoing issues with relapse. I have the belief, but have not had the courage of my convictions or the intent to make that my goal. I tried to remain in the prevailing paradigm because it's so fixed in our society. But it is incogruent with my belief. She did not ask me to commit to remaining sober through this process, but I have made that commitment to myself. I don't see how it will work otherwise. I have no idea how long it will take or what else will be involved, but I'm in for the long haul.

I have some fear and trepidation, but this feels so much more sincere to me than anything I've done in decades around this issue that I know I will walk through it. I will, of course, be letting you know how it goes.