Teachability is keeping me sober today. Tracy Chapman has a song I used to listen to back in the days when a pint of vodka per night was the norm. Part of the lyrics are, "I've done so many things wrong I don't know if I can do right." That was then. This is now.
Having alcoholism has nothing to do with moral ability. In my case it was activated by the poor coping skills of an 11-year old girl and her very young and inexperienced mother. If it hadn't been that it probably would've been activated by something else but no matter. That 11-year old girl is being given a golden opportunity at 47 to change the pattern.
The most difficult part of this newfound clarity of mine is realizing that there are people in my life for whom my alcoholism is somewhat convenient. Also, realizing that I've gone a long way towards keeping it convenient for them and only I can make the necessary changes to stop that from happening again. We alcoholics make fabulous scapegoats and the longer we fail to solve our drinking dilemma the more vulnerable we become. I, for one, am sick and tired of letting it happen over and over and over again.
Solving my alcoholism is about taking my own power back but I'm no more capable of doing that now than when I was an adolescent. I don't have that kind of power on my own. Luckily, I'm not on my own with it anymore. I have access to another power and right now it's speaking , among others, through Eric Frances over at PlanetWaves:
You have the moxie, the charm, the style, energy and most of all, the personal integrity required to succeed in the way that you want to. In fact, you can forget about everthing on that list except for the last item. Success does not usually happen fast, and we have good reason to question the kind that does. What I am telling you is that you have solid reasons to have faith in yourself. So what if various elements of your romantic (and professional) life make about as much sense as two jigsaw puzzles mixed together. Who cares if there are those nights you feel like you're holed up in a raft on the ocean of your own existence. You actually know who you are. You actually believe in yourself.
He's right. I do. That tastes a lot like freedom to me.
8 comments:
It does sound like lovely, precious freedom, Angela. I am also inspired and empowered by this. Love, O
You're the best, Olivia.
You have discovered Bandura's self efficacy from his social cognitive theory. You go gal!
Angela,
I've read your journey from beginning to end. My last drink was early Wednesday morning (a real binge). Bottomed out; I did it. I'm 54 - it's about time I sought help
I want to be sober and STAY sober. I went to OA once and there I concentrated on the food. I'm isolating right now, so maybe AA would be good.
I so much admire you for your journey as I start my own.
Thank you for sharing. I'm pretty confused as what to do next.
Angela,
I have been reading your blog since last year, I am struggling with my alcoholism, I just wanted you to know I admire your courage to write on here, I want to be able to do this, because the meetings have scared me off.
Cara
Angela,
It is almost midnight on the west coast and I have not seen your daily post yet...you are helping me daily, I hope you post soon.
Cara
Angela, I am so proud of you and what you are doing. As I sit here and listen to Bob Seger, Running Against the Wind, I so relate. As for me it is a daily decision to us or not use. Today I choose not to... That is as far as I can plan.
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