Sunday, November 8, 2009

Nothing

Nothing is keeping me sober today. I'm trying to get to an in-patient treatment run by the state. I keep hearing Ben say "you're hopeless" and I'm pretty sure he's right. But here's the thing: by some strange twist of fate I am still alive and as long as I am I will not give up. I made it 6 days without drinking and I thought this was the time. I really do wish I had the gumption to kill myself but my dear Uncle Ronald won't let me. And besides who would take care of Attaboy?

Roberta wants me out and Brent is not speaking to me. My very good friend, Claudia, has given all she can and I feel like my only friend left is Jackie who was kind enough to visit with me yesterday. Jackie is atheist or maybe just agnostic which is actually a very worse state; one I've been living in for years. At least when you're atheist you know what you believe.

My lips are chapped; I'm totally dehydrated and the diarrehea is coming on - oh, the joys of alcoholism. The ringing in my ears is driving me crazy. I'm pretty sure I won't be around much longer and at this point it would be a blessing. Grace I think they call it. And here I sit for all the world to see, just hoping my own sordid tale will get through to someone who still has time to keep it from happening to them.

10 comments:

Akannie said...

Hey Angela..

Just a note to say someone is hearing you. I've managed to be sober nearly 2 decades myself, but never by myself.

Sounds like chronic alcoholism has you in it's jaws, babe.

I came here through Mary's blog Letting Go...

If you want to talk about solutions, get in touch. No judgment here...just some help if you want it. Alcohol had me by the shorthairs for over 25 years...

AKAnnie

Anybeth said...

Honey, you can do it. You can get sober again. You have done it before, and damnit you CAN do it again.
Please don't give up.

Mary LA said...

Hi Ang darling - email on its way.

Hang in there, love to you.

Mary LA

Ben said...

I cannot recall when you would have heard me tell you that I considered you hopeless. It doesn't seem my character, especially when attempting to aid a struggling alcoholic.

All the activities and aspirations you are using in your sobriety quest are well and good, but mean very little in the long term if you do not remove alcohol from your life.

The problem isn't you, or your past, or anyone's opinion of you. The problem is the substance, period. Remove the substance from your life and real solutions to all of life's other issues will begin to fall into place.

The common element to all those people out there who have grown beyond alcoholism is that they do not drink. That same element will help all those who struggle that you seem so concerned with. That same element can save you.

Hate the substance and you will again know love for self.

thailandchani said...

Another one letting you know you're heard.

You've read the metaphysical me... but I'm not sure you've ever heard from the alcoholic me.

In the final analysis, this is all about putting the plug in the jug and leaving it there.

Ultimately, it is a fairly solitary job. Making the choice to stop drinking is entirely between you and you. I know enough to know there's nothing I can say that will cause you to have a great epiphany that will change your life and make you stop drinking.

What I can say is that I'm hoping you choose life. And for you, that means no drinking.

Just for the record though, there is no such thing as "hopeless". That, also, is a choice.


~*

AngelP said...

Angela, To you that has taught me so much.

I am sober still today because of you and sharing your path.

It's only been a few days, but it's a few more than I had before.

Should we try AA together? I don't know what else to do.

You are a strong woman.

Olivia said...

Angela,

I hope you get into the program. You are still alive and you're not giving up, which is the good news. And you still want to help other people. And you are reaching out to blog.

I think you are believing some things that aren't true, though, which are at least that you are alone. You are so not alone. There are many people who care about you deeply. I don't know, but maybe even the people who you wrote about in this post. Maybe when it seems they don't care, they are just desperate to see you stop drinking, be healthy, and be able to relate to them as YOU.

I will be thinking of and praying for you, Angela. You are a special person and I am proud of you that although you feel like it, you still will not give up.

Much love,

O

Mike in MD. said...

Angela,

For some reason I've your blog bookmarked in my Astrology folder. Every now and then I stop by to see how you are doing.

I've seen you make awesome progress over the past year and a half. Please do not hate yourself for this temporary set back.

I have experience with alcoholism through a family member who also faces similar struggles. Some of them have been quite dark and soul testing as the one you are experiencing now. They come in cycles, triggered, it seems, by a fear of expression. A want or need is unfulfilled. It gets repressed and guiltfully self-invalidated until it explodes in a binge.

Every week I review my Astrology bookmarks for my own guidance. The sites I visit note some strong vibrations occuring during the first half of November. I am guessing that the vibrations affect you on some personal level. My prayer for you is to please not be fearful and do not hold anger.

I, myself, know that my emotions can become quite a lot to shake off at times. They are huge drain on my energy. But they are there nonetheless, and I accept them.

Please accept yourself as you are - your strengths and your weaknesses. No judgement.

Namaste.

Jules said...

Hang in there, Angela.

Sherri said...

I'm with you too, Angela. I'm not alcoholic, but my brother is and I've seen his struggle mirror yours, including the wish to die. The state you are in now is temporary, as is every moment of every day, in joy and in pain, they are all temporary. Remember those days when you enjoyed living, when you felt blessed by your experiences, and know those days will come again. That's how it works.