Meaning? What's that?

When I was little, I would lie awake in bed and try to imagine the number of people on the earth, or the number of stars in the sky. Both seemed infinite and boggled my too-young mind. I would become depressed about the people - too many of them. How would I be anything but a number? How would I ever mean anything? How would our beautiful home sustain it all? At 11 years of age I was suffering from an existential lack of meaning. My body felt what my mind couldn't comprehend.

In my own way I foresaw the collapse. I felt deeply that things weren't right; that something was seriously wrong. I seemed to be the only one with any concern, so of course I determined that there was something seriously wrong with me. That was my first mistake. Don't let it be yours.

I turned away from this world and I wonder if I'm ready yet to turn back to it. Those people who used to keep me up at night? Well, they've swelled. They've swelled and they've produced and they've consumed. Even though mentally and emotionally and in my soul I turned away; still, physically, I did my part. I am complicit. All of us are guilty. Therefore, all of us are innocent.

I sought solace in anything that would provide momentary relief. My relief was overt, rebellious, in-your-face. Does that mean that your way is any less effective? I don't think so.

Anonymous Poster

Well, I may have to take my friend Robyn's advice and disable anonymous commentors. Here's why. The most recent anonymous comment is not really anonymous at all. I know who wrote it and I know why he wrote it. And I don't think it's a damned bit funny.

Why do people feel the need to take jabs? I'm sorry, but I just don't get it. Don't you have enough to do? Can't you find a better hobby? Do you have any idea of the reason YOU need to lash out and hurt someone else? And if you think there was something wrong with my comment to my father, that's your sick mind, not mine.

I was having a great day until I read that comment. Although I suppose I could consider it entertaining, especially since it's so damned obvious who wrote it. Anyway, I think I'll just continue on with my day. I'm at one of my favorite places, the Kalispell Library, doing some of my favorite things; the sun is out and the little house has a fresh coat of paint that's making my life much brighter!

I met with my mental health counselor today and she's fabulous. I can't believe how much we went over in an hour and how relieved I am to find that she's just as great as my counselor in Polson was and she has a real brain in her head. It's unfortunate, but many, many professionals think they know your story already. They meet you , slap a label on you and figure out your entire life in a few minutes. Isn't that brilliant? If you can find one who actually listens, hold onto them.

I'm working on an essay about the similarities between civilization spiraling out of control and an addict spiraling out of control and the most helpful options in approaching either one. It'll be up by the end of the week. Thanks for visiting. Thanks for reading. Thanks most of you for commenting.

Hello Job, Good-bye Life?

I googled successful businesswoman images and this came up. I couldn't resist.

Anyway, the job situation is looking up with a couple of good opportunities that I'm following up on. Everything from retail store management to greenhouse assistant (which is of course just a fancy term for LABORER).

I'm eager to return to work, but it really is like "Hello, Job, Good-bye Life" if I obtain full-time work which is looking entirely possible now.

Sorry I wrote such a short post, dad. You can look a little longer. (hee hee)

Mundane Matters

I've been in Lakeside a month and am adjusting to the new location and the new live-in relationship well. The job search continues but I knew it would be difficult and I just keep applying, dropping off resumes and making contacts. Something will turn up, but I have to wonder how sustainable it will be.

In my chemical dependency group this week one of our members related a story about going to the emergency room after a suspected seizure. She takes medication for Reynaud's Syndrome which has already caused her to lose the tip of one of her fingers. She inadvertently took two 60 mg pills instead of two 30 mg pills after a prespcription change and was suffering fainting and seizure spells. When she explained to the nurse what happened, the nurse immediately said, "Well, I'll put overdose on the chart." She then proceeded to treat the woman rather poorly and implied that she shouldn't have brought her son to the emergency room with her. The woman was so shook up that talking about it caused her to burst into tears at the relating of it. She couldn't understand why the woman felt it necessary to treat her like that. I can't understand it either. I just know I've been treated the same way at times when it wasn't appropriate and it hurts.

I'm meeting one of my LSR friends for lunch today and am excited about that. It's always good to connect with other recovering people with whom I share a history.

I'm continuing my study of permaculture, the inevitable(?) collapse of civilization and how the principles of permaculture as a response to collapse relate to recovery. I'd be happy to hear opinions. Yes, that's an invitation.

Scared to Salvation

Brent and I went to church with his dad yesterday, a little country Baptist church counting a congregation of about 40 souls. Since we don't attend regularly, I really enjoy it when we do. I grew up in a Southern Baptist church and I know the hymns, the sermons and the feel. Only now I don't have to feel guilty about whether or not I am "truly" saved and I won't have nightmares about what happens if I'm not.

The pastor, Pastor Chase (not his real name of course), told a great story of his own conversion. He was a boy of 9. His parents and grandparents lived on the same property and farmed it along with other local church members. One day Pastor Chase came home from football practice to find no one home. Since they weren't in the house, he figured they were in the barn, but it too was bereft of his brethren. He could see the church two fields away and he focused hard on it, wishing and praying to see any of his kin or church brothers in the vicinity. Alas, the church was quiet. Pastor Chase was in shock. Surely the rapture had come and Jesus had taken every one of his family members and most of his friends and neighbors as well. But young Chase had obviously been left behind. It seemed especially ironic to his child's mind since he had been planning to be saved in church next week and now he would be spending his eternity in hell with a long stint of earth-bound hell before. As he sat there crying and trembling he became so caught up in his grief that he never heard the family coming up the hill from the garden until his grandmother touched him on the shoulder with a look of concern growing in her eyes. Chase went right to his knees and offered his heart to the Lord and I reckon that's about when he became Pastor Chase as well. The moral of the story? Having the bejesus scared out of you at age 9 will get you saved and to heaven for sure.

I was gifted a "get out of hell free" card before leaving and I'm feeling pretty secure with my little card in my pocket.

I experienced the same feelings, the same thought/guilt processes in my efforts to understand the religious experience of my youth, with which I no longer feel anything but the most quaint affinity, as I did attempting to understand my experience with AA. I've known for a long time that it felt the same and yesterday I understood more about why. The similarities were striking to me as they were revealed.

Attend church forever/go to meetings forever
Follow Bible literally/follow Big Book literally
Saved=Sober/Unsaved=Drinking
Witness/12-step calls

Another striking commonality: they both use fear to great advantage to get their point across. Fear of hellfire and damnation or a lifetime of drinking. In my life, they amount to the same thing.

Because the personal is political

Sometimes an anonymous commenter comes along who really makes me think. Which, in my opinion, is always a good thing. In his last comment, anonymous said, "I don't think it makes sense to say that society wants addicts in the throes of their addictions. Using behavior is unstable, expensive and anti-social."

The comment brings up a very good point. I don't think society, which is different by the way from the individuals that make up a society, consciously wants the addict in their addiction. The individuals in society don't think about it until it affects them personally, nor should they. But when the societal system is observed as a whole - objectively, it works that way. There are certain groups of people who continually get the short end of the stick. These groups are getting larger and larger in case you haven't noticed because they comprise what used to be our entire middle class.

When you say using behavior is unstable, expensive and anti-social I couldn't agree with you more. Here's the thing: everyone is addicted in this society. We're addicted to production and social mania and chasing our own asses in an ever-tightening circle. We're addicted to television, video games and Hollywood, and we're lazy. We've forgotten that good health is directly related to the foods we eat which is directly related to how we treat Mother Earth and all her creatures which is directly related to the lack of meaning most of us have acquired as a result of being part of a dysfunctional, addicted society - this society and this time, particularly.

When I write on Eclectic Recovery I'm holding a much bigger picture than myself and my little problems. This blog has never been just about me. My intent has always been to reach a certain audience who while often quite functional, is still having trouble maintaining sobriety and who is uncomfortable in the more prevalent recovery venues, i.e., AA. In the process of exploring my own issues with addiction, I've become more and more aware of how delusional our society has become as a whole and I've been following the crumbs to what could possibly heal the individual and society at the same time.

My friend, Chani, replied this to your comment: "Anonymous, I've been following this thread and I think you're not seeing the big picture. The way I interpret Angela's observation is in the more global social context. Does the social system we live in right now require an underlcass to survive? You betcha! This is basic economic reality. Addicts are judged and pushed into the underclass because there is a fundamental lack of compassion at the root of our current competitive system where some have to be on bottom for others to remain on top."

She's right. I'm always looking at how the personal relates to the global/social context. Or as my friend, Eric Francis puts it, how the personal becomes political.

Permaculture? What's that?

Brent and I drove over to Plains, a couple of valley's over, to look at some wood Brent was considering purchasing to build his front door. It's going to be gorgeous - blue pine with an authentic ship's portal for a window and a great handle which we're still hunting. We met a couple last summer at a summer fair where they were displaying his woodwork and her homemade jams, soaps and good stuff like that. We talked to them for quite awhile that day and exchanged numbers. Their names are Dan and Laurie. Dan has the wood. He's looking to come up with a few nice production pieces and produce and distribute them. He's very, very good.

Dan and Laurie have chickens, hogs, several garden areas, two lambs, fruit trees, a well, and a field mouse named Minimus for a pet. Dan and Laurie are doing permaculture and they'd never heard of it. I was in heaven. We're going back to spend some time with them this week, even though it's an hour's drive one way. Brent has already learned a lot from Dan and I'm dying to spend some time with Laurie and pick her brain about things. Starting with chickens.

I've been reading and soaking in the information at Carolyn Baker's website and have discovered some striking similarities between addiction-recovery-freedom and collapse-initiation-permaculture.

Addiction/Collapse

A/C - Spiraling out of control.
A/C - Common symptoms - denial and rationalization.
A/C - Instant gratification.
A/C - Stunted emotional growth.
A/C - Lack of meaning.
A/C - Loneliness/depression/use.

Recovery/Initiation

R/I - Forced or led out of denial.
R/I - Desire to change - pursuit of change.
R/I - Emotional growth resumes.
R/I - Meaning returns.
R/I - Connections are made and communities sought.
R/I - With meaning comes optimism and hope.

Freedom/Permaculture

F/P - Maintenance of change and continued ongoing change.
F/P - Goals become clearer, more defined.
F/P - Willing to continually delay gratification.
F/P - Inner life deepens, relationships improve.
F/P - Mental health continues improvement as meaning deepens.
F/P - Communities flourish under new rules-new definitions.

Now, that last one, that seems to be the question both personally and politically. Will communities flourish? Can people come together and do the hard work and consider the earth and each other?

Anonymous wrote me again and I'm very appreciative of his/her comments. My next post will address his comment and Chani's reply and hopefully clear some things up regarding Eclectic Recovery and what it's all about.

I start my chemical dependency group this week here in Kalispell. I'm looking forward to that and to our visit to Dan and Laurie's. Still doing my computer work at the library, but hope to write again tomorrow. In the meantime, stay sober, love each other and read ingredients.

Survival Mode

I've learned some things over the past few years. I've learned what it feels like to have homes snatched from under your feet. I've learned what it feels like to be discriminated against for everything from having addiction/mental health problems to becoming unemployed, utilizing food assistance and even losing my health insurance. Somewhere along the way I kicked into absolute survival mode: How the hell do I get through the day with so much uncertainity, when nothing is stable, least of all me?

I've learned that when you're the one attempting to survive, when decisions have to be made according to food and shelter, you start becoming free from other people's opinions, unlocked from their discriminations, uncaring of what you may or may not look like to someone else. And when other people's opinions begin to matter less, you wonder why they ever did. The world starts looking completely different.

My father told me something the other day that stuck in my mind. He said, "They haven't taken your life from you, Angela. How you live your life is still your choice. No one can take that from you." He's always been brighter than your average dad.

Coming to understand how I contributed to the chaos does nothing to change that it's occurring, but still it tugs on my mind, inviting me to fall into yet another rabbit hole when what is really called for is courage and perserverance; peace of mind and compassion. I think our dear departed Michael said it well when he said start with the one in the mirror. When that is intact, begin to move out - chin up, head high, just looking next for what needs to be done. AA calls it "doing the next right thing." I like that.

As loss began to permeate the very air I breathe, I began to feel other tugs at night, other callings. I heard her moan and followed into deep mysteries, transfixed; stunned even. What have we been doing? To ourselves? To our clan? To her? When are we going to stop it?

Even if the destruction stopped right now today, even if wealth were distributed equitably and we stopped raping and pillaging the earth today, would it be enough? I swear. I wonder. Too many people. Too much damage. Not enough caring.

And yet each day I personally feel stronger, more centered, more sober, more playful, more alive and more healthy as I begin to see what really is instead of what I wish were. I still hold the vision of a highest good for all, but I work with what's in front of me. Alcohol makes that impossible. Society needs the addict/alcoholic to be distracted and unaware and without thought except for where the next fix comes from. Because when they start waking up, they can see how things are and they won't settle for it. I won't. Will you?

Practicality is not Apocalyptic

Okay. So I knew Brent's house would be a challenge to clean and organize. I ask you - how can 5,000 tacky little trinkets all have sentimental value? It's not possible. We're about figuring out what really has value and how best to maintain and enhance that value. And no, I'm not talking about trinkets.

Anyway, I've begun the permaculture campaign, and there are more obstacles to overcome than the ones in Brent's brain. We live right up against the mountain and the forest blocks most of the daylight. Sun isn't required for chickens, but they will be highly susceptible to finding themselves critter chow even with a well-built coop. In other words, Brent says no right now. I'm still shooting for the chickens, though; at least they don't require constant sun.

I've decided that the most common sense, practical piece for us right now would be a root cellar. We can dig it right into the mountain, have storage and a storm-shelter and a great place for ritual and respite. I was just asking Brent last summer to make me a hollow in the earth; a place where I could go lie and feel her heartbeat and her comfort. The campaign continues.

Brent and I are agreed about where society and even our entire civilization is headed. I asked him how he would describe collapse as we've been reading about in one sentence and he said, " Collapse of the entire system. Globally." Take just a few minutes to think about this right now. Just consider the possibility of your food sources drying up, of severely limited communication and travel, of a lack of clean water, just for starters. What about medications, first aid and self-protection - how long could you survive without these things? And if you'd rather not ponder the collapse of civilization, ponder the next earthquake, the next tornado, hurricane or flood. How could you begin to prepare better for these very real possibilities?

Now, go live your life for a week and don't think about it anymore.

For one who has

perception,

A mere sign is enough.

For one who does not heed,

a thousand explanations

are not enough.

Hajji Becktash Wali - 13th century Persian mystic

When you get past your fear, start here: google Carolyn Baker

Life on the Mountain

Well, life on the mountain is good so far. I awakened at 4am Monday morning and got up to enjoy the full moon in a clear starry sky. As I was watching the moon begin her descent, I noticed a faint green streaking in the sky. At first I thought it was just funny looking clouds but I realized soon enough that it was the aurora bourealis. The flashing gave it away - tendrils of pale green etheric mist that literally flashed across the sky. It felt like a blessing. It felt like a homecoming.

Brent and I slept in the "big" house and the "little" house was therefore quite cool in the wee morning hours so I decided to get a fire in the woodstove going. I thought I knew how to build a fire. It took me an hour to get the damned thing going; every time I was sure it was lit I'd busy myself somewhere else (like outside with the moon and the aurora) and when I checked it again it would be out. It became a highly personal challenge to get that house warm before Brent got up and came down and I felt like I'd passed an initiation when it finally blazed for good.

I unfortunately had to forego the permaculture workshop. My brakes started grinding when I left Butte and I needed to get to Lakeside as quickly as possible in order to have them repaired. I'm on the lookout for another workshop here though and am doing as much reading as possible on permaculture and something I believe is becoming very important: collapse-awareness.

I was asked recently if my vision is for Brent and me to be the hub of a permaculture movement within our community and that's very close. The truth is the vision has been percolating for some time but I haven't been able to define it - I just keep working my way through each challenge that arises, attempting to put all the pieces together. The idea has always been that whatever end it came to it's my hope that it helps a lot more people than just me. That's actually beginning to look possible. At the same time, there's just no telling what it will look like.

I will, of course, be writing more. And as soon as possible, but right now I have to drive in to the Kalispell library which is a 20-mile one-way trip to use the computer. In the meantime, I'll continue to gather my thoughts, continue to research and continue to speak my truth. What else is a girl gonna do? Love a cowboy or something??

Answering Comments

To Kiki, Star Rockers, AngelP, Carla & Miss R - thank you for your supportive and encouraging comments. As always, I appreciate your reading this blog and I'm grateful you're my friends.

I replied to Anonymous #1.

To Anonymous #2 whose question was: "a way of treating the addict inclusive of their place in society - rather than exclusive of it. Can you explain what you mean by that?" I'll try. I see the current paradigms of society and recovery as creating more and more "either/or", "us/them", "good/bad", and generally more separation rather than inclusion. When we argue about whether addiction is a disease or not, whether AA is the right way or not, and when we assume to dictate anyone's choices to them, it seems to me we're staying firmly in the problem. I have certainly not been immune to this nor am I now. But I am beginning to recognize it and to attempt to figure out another way. In many cities in the U.S. now they have something called "First Night" which is a sober celebration of New Year's Eve. This is including the addict in society. I'd like to see more of those kinds of events. I'd also like to see more kinds of communities where addicts could live the lifestyle that's healthy for them with the support of society rather than feeling like they're on the fringe or the outskirts or simply not wanted. I'd like to see families and friends honor the addicts decision to be sober and if they can't abstain for a day or a night maybe they should ask themselves why instead of continuing to point the finger at the person who must stay sober to be healthy. It's up to us to stay away from bars if we feel we need to, to avoid drinking events when it feels slippery and keep ourselves safe. But why is it so difficult for most moderate or recreational drinkers to not use it as a way to feel superior? And of course, not everyone does it, just the majority. At the same time, I truly believe that society is on the verge of collapse, and not just American society. Things can't continue the way they are - resources are finite and we're all just dilly-dallying along as if it's business as usual. How about recovery communities based on organic farming, stewardship of the land, sustainability and respect and dignity for all? I just think we're asking the wrong questions, focusing on the wrong things and as far as people in recovery go it's still based on the "you are different than us and you are less" premise.

As for Miss R's comment to you, I would ask you to understand that bloggers get many people called "trolls" who just surf around looking for places to cause trouble. I don't see you like that at all, but if you continue to participate and learn more about blogging and "internet communication" you'll understand. It's not personal. It's hard not to take it that way, but it's not. Miss R's concern is with me - we've been friends through blogging a long time - we look out for each other.

To Carolyn: I'm not so concerned about the year waiting period that's recommended. I don't expect it to be easy, but I do believe it's doable with a commitment on both of our parts to respect and support each other and search for understanding within the relationship. You'll just have to stay tuned to see how it works out! Good luck with your own situation!

Last but certainly not least to Mary: I have as much respect and admiration for you as a person and a sober woman as I could for anyone and I appreciate your comment and your concern. I can't say that the situation I'm in, homeless with no current income, is not making a difference in my decision and I surely can't say I'm 100% sure everything will turn out just fine. But Brent and I have talked a lot. I feel he's gained understanding in what I'm dealing with, how difficult the next few months and even years could be and the efforts I will be putting forth towards remaining sober. We love each other and we don't expect perfection, or even two "whole" people which I personally think is a bunch of crap laid on us by well-meaning psychotherapists. We have a common vision of working the earth, being self-sustaining and moving firmly into solutions. If we're whistling in the dark, we at least enjoy each other in the process.

To all readers: I see permaculture, it's ethics and principles, as one big piece of the solution to the puzzle for the challenges we as a global society face, the challenges our beloved home, planet and mother face, and even to the challenges addicts face in trying to forge a life free of drinking and drugs. I hope you'll keep joining me in this discussion and let me know your thoughts. I appreciate them all.

It's called Permaculture

It always surprises me, as much reading and exploring as I do, when I come upon something that truly resonates with me on many levels. As I mentioned in my last post, my thoughts have followed a pattern of wanting to find a way of treating the addict inclusive of their place in society - rather than exclusive of it. That seems to be one of my problems with AA and related programs; I see them as separating rather than integrating the addict. A lot of people are able to use these programs to re-enter their lives fully and stay on a recovery path, but just as many use the programs as another way to avoid responsibility, practice delusional thinking and stay firmly within the addiction whether they're using or not. The anonymity factor, which I believe is actually a very good spiritual principle, does nothing to mitigate the shame factor and self-rejection that so many addicts suffer from. And it's convenient for society to separate themselves further from the problem as well. It looks to me like another cog in the addictive wheel like the war on drugs and the "just say no" campaigns. If we could just say no we wouldn't be addicted. Hello.

I first heard about permaculture through Starhawk's writings, but I thought it was mainly a gardening technique when it's actually much more than that. It's a philosophy, a way of life, a holistic model for individuals and society and more than anything I've read about, it seems to hold a lot of answers for the problems that face us now.

It's based on three ethics and 12 principles. They are:

Ethic #1 Care for the earth
Ethic #2 Care for people
Ethic #3 Fair Share

Principle # 1 Observe and interact
Principle # 2 Catch and store energy
Principle # 3 Obtain a yield
Principle # 4 Apply self-regulation and feedback
Principle # 5 Use and value renewable resources and services
Principle # 6 Produce no waste
Principle # 7 Design from patterns to details
Principle # 8 Integrate rather than segregate
Principle # 9 Use small and slow solutions
Principle #10 Use and value diversity
Principle #11 Use edges and value the marginal
Principle #12 Creatively use and respond to change

I'm just getting my thoughts together about how this can relate to recovery from addiction, but some are pretty obvious. Observe and interact, apply self-regulation and accept feedback, integrate rather than segregate, creatively use and respond to change- these are the obvious ones. And of course, permaculture is a community-based philosophy and you know how much I love that.

So that's the big solution I'm seeing right now. In the meantime, I continue to observe myself, apply self-regulation and accept feedback and don't drink one day at a time. And in the long-term I envision building a life worth living where all people are treated with dignity and respect and are valued for their contribution to the whole. I can only start with me but I'm interested in what my brilliant blogger friends think about this.

I'm working on a laptop and can't figure out how to get my links in, but I'll link to Starhawk and some of the permaculture sites soon. I'm going to a permaculture workshop Saturday and then on to Brent's. We made the decision. Boy am I eager to have a home again and get my kitten back! Thanks for visiting Eclectic Recovery.

Doing the Right Thing

A big part of my thought process about the causes and solutions of addiction have long included the thought that individuals don't do addiction alone. I know I had plenty of help, plenty of sweeping it under the rug, plenty of handing it to me on a platter and then blaming me for eating the whole thing, plenty of not minding how fucked up I was as long as I kept doing what you wanted me to do. Plenty of people who as long as they had me to point the finger at didn't have to take a good look at themselves.

The only "publicly sanctioned" program for addiction is based on the central premise that all addicts are self-centered, egotistic maniacs who go through life with the intent purpose to get all they can, damned the people in their way and damned the consequences. It seems mighty convenient to the existing paradigm that two white, male, affluent businessmen began this program which in my opinion only further served to ostracize the addict from society, especially the female, ethnic or poverty-based addict. This program fit perfectly with the ruggedly individualistic, god of our fathers mind-set which has gotten us all right where we are today - on the verge of collapse.

Then we threw the baby out with the bathwater by creating programs based solely on addiction as a medical disease with thoroughly medical solutions when nothing could be further from the truth. This has led to much in-fighting within the addictions field with camps both professional and lay caught up around the "disease" concept. This has now become part of the problem and as long as we're focusing solely on defining the problem, we're not putting enough effort on solving it.

Addictions are flourishing as fast as the programs meant to put an end to them. I don't know, but I think we're missing something here.

I've been following what feels right to me in my efforts at sobriety for many years now. True, I have fallen flat on my face and failed miserably, many times. I would propose that that's how true change happens. I would propose that there's something to be said for refusing to go numb in order to get well. I would propose that change is dirty, messy and quite ugly and I'd rather be part of change any day than stagnantly safe.

Society is producing more and more addicts with more and more addictions the same way they helped produce this one. I believe most alcoholics/addicts are actually quite sensitive, caring and fair-minded individuals who find no home on this planet. If you're not tough and abrasive and absolutely drooling at the mouth to live out the American Dream, well, you must be sick. And so we get sick. Because we live in an isolated world where technology and consumerism replace human touch and real caring about other human beings.

I reject it. I've been looking and exploring and testing and I think I've found a big solution. A solution to so much more than addiction, but it will take care of a lot of that, too. The question is: does anyone care??

Going Political

The house is starting to fill up. When I arrived the middle of January there were four women and a dozen men. Today we have 20 men, 2 families and 6 women. I consider myself very fortunate to be here, with a roof over my head and 3 hot meals a day. And just waiting to join the revolution.

Did you know? Over 50 million Americans are now living in poverty. Every day, 10,000 U.S. homes enter foreclosure and 3 million people are currently homeless with the fastest growing segment single parents with children.

In 1970, CEO's made $25 for every $1 the average worker made. From 1970 to 2000, technological advancements caused production and profit levels to explode. Where do you think that money is going? The pay ratio for CEO's rose to 90/1 in relation to the average worker. That would be you and me. And it's estimated that when you include stock options and other benefits, the accurate number is more like 500/1.

Paul Buchheit, from DePaul University, revealed, "From 1980 to 2006, the richest 1% of America tripled their after-tax percentage of our nation's total income, while the bottom 90% have seen their share drop over 20%."

It's my belief there is one good thing about the current unemployment rate. People will actually have time to stop and see what's happening in our country and they are going to become angry. As long as we're the hamsters on the wheel - working our asses off to barely keep afloat, we don't have time to stop and smell the shit, so to speak. I never thought I would get political on this blog, but it's starting to stink around here and I find myself unable to be silent any longer.

I Love These Skills!

I had begun to feel distressed, depressed and generally dissatisfied in the past couple of days. Now, I suppose considering that I'm 48 and living in a transitional home and my only asset is my 1998 Toyota, you might think I have good reason to feel distressed, depressed and dissatisfied. And I guess you would be right. But, here's what I know. I know I won't work my way out of this situation if I sit and wallow in those feelings.

I had a DBT skills class tonight at the outpatient treatment facility and I realized why these feelings have been cropping up and making life not much fun. I had stopped practicing radical acceptance; I had begun to fight against the way things are, to be judgmental about my situation and basically to feel sorry for myself. So I did that for about a day and a half and then I caught it and I practiced the skill and the feelings changed.

I'm attracted to DBT for many reasons, but I think the main reason is because so many of the skills are things I had already practiced in my efforts to remain sober. I hadn't been able to form them into a coherent whole and wasn't always very consistent with them, but mindfulness was a great teacher for me in learning to observe my thought processes and realize that I'm not my mind, my mind is a tool for my self.

I think I'm finally starting to put all the pieces together here for a holistic personal recovery program. The pieces include nutrition, exercise, meditation, community support, self-awareness (which is where DBT is phenomenal) and, of course, abstinence.

Flower Essences

I was rummaging through a bag of essential oils I brought with me and discovered a couple of Bach flower essences that I purchased some time ago. Dr. Edward Bach's story is pretty fascinating and you can find it here.

When I first bought the remedies, I liked the idea, but I have to admit that I was pretty skeptical about their efficacy. When I found them again I decided to give them an extended try. The suggestion is to use the remedy daily for a month or until the issue resolves.

Chestnut bud (shown at left) "helps you observe your mistakes objectively so you can learn from them and move on." The remedies are directed at specific personality characteristics or emotional states and similar to homeopathy, they work on a subtle as well as physical level. Also similar to homeopathy, there is no danger in side effects or interaction with other types of medications. The remedies are safe.

Given my history of alcoholism and the continued return to it, sometimes after years of abstinence, Chestnut Bud seemed like a good remedy for me. Many years that I drank I drank because I felt hopeless about the prognosis and the methods of recovery available. I surely wasn't objectively learning from my mistakes and moving on.

An interesting thing has happened and I wonder if it's related to my taking the remedy. I've begun to clearly see how I have projected my shadow around alcoholism onto other people - oftentimes those closest to me. I would convince people that it would be okay for me to drink again, and then I would become angry at them when it didn't work!! In some cases, I stayed angry for a long time and placed the responsiblity for my actions in someone else's hands.

Today I'm able to see this aspect of my personality without judging myself and I realize that these are amends I need to make. I've been reluctant since my AA experience to even approach any kind of amends. Mostly because I truly believe that we all do the best we can at any given time and usually we have no intention of hurting other people. For a long time I've practiced apologizing as quickly as possible when I realize I've done something wrong, but amends seemed like a bigger thing than that to me. Plus, when I was in AA, anytime I attempted amends with someone they looked at me like I was crazy. The exact nature of my wrongs went deeper than whether I stood you up for a date, got drunk and passsed out on you or threw up in your bathroom. I still don't really believe in approaching others with amends. I believe in living them. Words don't mean a thing if you don't stop doing the action - which is why for years I made sure people knew about my problem and that I had a habit of not staying sober despite my best intentions.

I'm grateful for the gift of seeing this clearly and the ability not to beat myself over the head with it. I think all that projection caused me to feel a lot of unneccesary guilt.

I also got Agrimony - "helps you communicate our true feelings rather than hide them behind a cheerful face." I'll report back on that one when I start it.

New Moon in Aquarius Intentions

It's that new moon time of the month again and time to set desires/intentions for the coming moon cycle. This new moon is in the sign of Aquarius and falls in my 4th house.

The Aquarius influence in the fourth house implies a strong demand for freedom in the affairs of the home. The native has some quality that marks him/her as distinctively different from others, although this may not be immediately apparent. This is far less obvious than when Uranus is in the first house but is perhaps even more explosive and far-reaching in the fourth. The native conceives ingenious methods and techniques with which to tackle his/her objectives.

I found the above at this site and I have to say it really rings true for me. I've always been reluctant to share my living space and have found it somewhat confining when I shared it with one other person. I especially like to be able to decorate my space in a way that resonates with my soul and conveys my personality. It's hard to do that when there's another person trying to do the same thing.

Which makes it especially interesting that I find myself liking the communal living situation as well as I do. I think it's because I do have my own space, albeit rather small, which I can create as my own and retreat to while sharing the public spaces with my peers.

And of course my home life is in big question right now. Brent is ready for me to come live with him and a big huge part of me wants that to happen. Not only because I love him but because I'm so ready to be someplace for awhile, someplace where I feel rooted, someplace where I can grow food and do ritual and just be for awhile. The problem is that it's Brent's place and I can have a problem with turning over too much power in situations like that so I need to be really clear if that's what I decide to do. I need to make sure that we're agreed about the equality of the relationship, what we both want and expect from it, and most importantly, how committed he is to supporting my recovery.

So with all of that in mind, here are my desires/intentions for this new moon:

Meditate daily to get clear about what I really want for my next living arrangement.
Be patient while my ruling planet, Mars, is retrograde in Leo, in my 10th house of career,
while I'm looking for a job.
Hold weekly meetings for the women here in the home (I started this last week - it was
great!)
Remain sober and practice with my tools: chanting, creative visualization, journaling,
DBT skills, astrology, tarot, meditation and prayer.

I think that's enough for this month. I'll follow up on the full moon on February 28th which falls in the last degree of Leo conjunct my natal Uranus. Look out.

Right now I'm headed up the mountain to hopefully catch a glimpse of Venus and Jupiter.

Powerful New Moon

We are about to experience a powerful new moon (that's when the moon and sun are conjunct in the sky - the sun's light is blocked and the moon becomes "invisible"). What makes it so powerful is that this new moon is also conjunct one mind-blower of a planet party at the same spot in the sky (Aquarius) with Neptune, planet of fantasy, imagination, illusion and denial right there with Chiron, planet of awareness of wounds both personal and societal. In case anyone's been noticing, our society is currently struggling through the death throes brought on by our own fantasy and delusions, fed by the corporate media conglomerate, the military-industrial complex and each and every one of us. It's getting time to wake up from our collective nightmare and start making it look more like a lovely dream.

I'm not an astrologer, nor do I wish to be, but I'm sure I read the most relevant, important astrologer working today. His name is Eric Francis and he's captain of a small team of highly intelligent and creative activists/writers/journalists/artists/astrologers/meaning-makers and I would even venture to say, spiritual pioneers. I always intuited there was something to astrology, but until my own studies coincided with Eric's writing, I couldn't quite make it all fit together in a coherent fashion. Maybe it was all that alcohol?? Go figure.

Eric's website, Planet Waves, operates on subscriptions. You will not be bombarded with any kind of advertising when you visit and the daily blog is always avaiable for free with fascinating stories, chart delineation and sometimes just good entertainment. Eric has been kind enough to extend several subscriptions to me either at a lowered rate or free of charge since I've been having job and home troubles and the only way I have to give back is to direct people to his fabulous work, which I am honored to do. I'm pretty sure someday I'll be able to pay him back, but at this moment, I don't have a clue what that will look like and it doesn't really matter.

Following are some excerpts from this week's subscriber edition which I found to be great examples of the work being done there. If you want to ride the cutting edge of a brand new business model, observe stunning photography, read excellent writing and support a growing venture on the forefront of the changes that need to be made, visit Eric and the gang. And don't forget to let him know I sent you so maybe he won't cut me off!!

Lunar events such as the New Moon tend to precipitate the energy of slower-moving patterns, and once again this lunation qualifies. The Sun and Moon are gathering for a sendoff to the conjunction. And as the Sun and Moon light up the inner sky with their mix of yang and yin energies, what do we see? With any luck, the incredible potential for choice, for movement, and in particular, to direct our awareness anywhere we want.

Yet looking around, it's clear that we're alive in a moment of extreme polarization, and for many, deep and even unspeakable personal fear. Looking at what we're up against at this time in history, I see a world society in crisis and many people struggling to adjust. Though many deny this fact, others are aware that our postindustrial, postmodern, post-rational civilization is approaching a critical turning point. This may be something in the physical environment, and it's clearly something in the psychic/psychological environment: in truth it's about where the two intersect, but we keep missing the point; we keep projecting it outside ourselves.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Then we're up against ourselves: our own need to grow, seemingly against all these odds, and with not enough time; and our resistance, and our lack of skills to adapt to an environment changing so fast it would make an astronaut nauseous. We've been subjected to numerous shutdown campaigns and often many find themselves in states of anxiety and even panic. After being deskilled, numbed out and trained to say no to sex, work in cubicles and to eat plastic food, we wonder why it's hard to get in a good mood and wage revolution. And time keeps going faster. I propose at least half a day be inserted between Monday and Tuesday to help us stay on top of things.

Finally, we're coping with having limited relationship skills, including leadership skills, in a time when we need them dearly. Some say it's men, some say it's women, bisexuals know it's both. There are a lot of people for whom this whole communication thing, relationship as awareness and growth, focus on the purpose of existence, is as ordinary as a UFO landing in their backyard. The little critter comes out chirping and, well it must be meaningful.

~~~~~~~~~~~

The fact that you would choose to improve your life, to make a difficult decision or to wake up from a long spell of personal despair can and likely will have significant influence on the human environment that surrounds you. And by the same principle, the environment with which you surround yourself has a significant influence on the ease or difficulty of your improving your own existence.

We are now experiencing the peak energy of Chiron conjunct Neptune. Chiron's primary role is to raise awareness, almost always with the intention of healing oneself. Often it is awareness alone that sets the energy of change and progress in motion. Reminded of this, we have some great motivation to pay attention, and take to heart such ideas as, "When I am healed, I am not healed alone," or, "Become the change you want to see."

As a special treat at this new moon, Jupiter and Venus will be visible in the western sky just after sunset. The diagram above is from the Sky and Telescope website.

I'll be back tomorrow with my new moon intentions for this month. Thanks for visiting. Go see Eric and the gang and happy skywatching.

The Relapse Cycle

Phase 0: Core Attitudes/Beliefs

Phase I: The remission phase (life is good)

Phase II: Intense stress phase (stress is rising)

Phase III: Negative mood phase (acting out on stress)

Phase IV: Pre-relapse phase (setting up self/others)

Phase V: Destructive behavior phase (actual relapse)

Phase VI: Rewards phase (what you got from use)

Phase VII: Conscience phase (guilt)

Phase VIII: Defense Mechanisms (cover up feelings)

In treatment we were shown a video by Terrence Gorski about the relapse cycle that many people with addiction fall into. Mr. Gorski stated that mistaken beliefs about this cycle create massive discrimination against relapse-prone addicts. When he said that, a flood of tears began to fall from my eyes. I realized that someone understood what had been happening to me and I figured if someone understood then someone could help me find my way out of it.

I saw this video the last weekend I was in treatment, in other words I almost missed the damned thing after being there for six weeks.

Mr. Gorski has determined that relapse is the process of becoming dysfunctional in sobriety and using or drinking is usually the end phase of the process rather than the beginning. Mental disorders and moderate to severe Post Acute Withdrawal contribute to relapse susceptibility. Of the people who enter treatment 1/3 stay permanently sober (this is much higher than 10-15 years ago), 1/3 will have periodic relapse before attaining long-term sobriety and 1/3 will be relapse-prone, meaning they will continually be challenged by relapse potential. I am, unfortunately or not, one of the final third. It's estimated that addicts that enter treatment have an average of 60-75% moderate to severe brain dysfunction which will drastically improve with continued abstinence. When I have days like I've had yesterday and today I continually remind myself of both PAWS and the improvement with abstinence factor.

Basically what happens (and I can't tell you how many times it's happened to me) is that you're going along in phase I, things are going well, you've been feeling better physically and mentally, making all treatment activities, etc., and something throws a kink in the system. Something causes an undue amount of stress that is then denied unconsciously. The unconscious denial activates the brain dysfunction which eventually becomes external dysfunction. This has commonly been known as being on a "dry drunk", BUD (building up to drink), neurotoxicity, alcoholic fog and protacted withdrawal.

Phase II is the best point to nip the process in the bud. You'll know you're entering Phase II when appointments or meetings are missed (not consciously), defense mechanisms are activated, depression or anxiety becomes uncomfortable, a physical illness sets in or you just begin to feel not quite right in your recovery.

Phase III will be punctuated by arguments with spouse/friends/employer, sleep dysfunction, lack of ability to concentrate, hanging out in slippery places and consciously not participating in recovery activities.

In Phase IV things are getting really dangerous as preparation is made for use. This phase is highlighted by fantasy, selection of drug and place to use and dishonesty with others, ususally by omission, about plans to use.

There's a common term for Phase V in recovery circles - it's called the fuck-it switch, when we finally reach the point where use actually seems like a good idea. Oftentimes we are so dysfunctional by now that suicidal thoughts are common and life feels pretty hopeless. It's important to remember that it's not - it's a phase and when we get here it's time to reach out for that helping hand and recommit to our recovery.

House Notes

Well, it was a gorgeous day today in Butte, America. Sunny and bright with light wisps of cloud, and warm at 32 degrees farenheit. After morning yoga I decided to drive 20 miles to the Fairmont Hot Springs and had a delicious soak in the springs with the Anaconda/Pintler Range as a backdrop. Can't beat it for a Sunday.

Yesterday I drove one of my housemates to do some errands around town. He's a handsome black man with 2-foot dreds and no legs. He lost them jumping a train. His wheelchair fits in the backseat of my little Toyota after the wheels come off and go in the trunk. He treated me to lunch as a thank you. I believe it's only the 2nd meal I've eaten out here, the first being the day I was released from treatment.

There are a dozen men, one family of five and five women in the house right now. Several have had health problems that caused them to lose everything and are now homeless because of it. Most of the people here have never been without a home prior to now. They are some of the strongest people I have ever met.

The cowboy is coming to visit next weekend for Valentine's Day, which is odd enough without my thinking he might be going to pop the question. Not necessarily the marriage question, which neither of us much believe in, but the time to move in question. He's closing in on being finished with the new house - the kitchen cabinets go in next week and as soon as the ground thaws the water will be connected and then everything is a go. I applied for a job in the area which would be great as that's where I'm planning to attend school. I love him a lot. I want to be with him. I wonder if I'm ready. I think I might be. But I'm not sure. Are you ever??

I'm practicing my religion more, well, religiously. Yoga is part of that as is tarot, ritual, meditation, journaling, dreamwork and earthwork. I won't name my religion but you could call me the Good Witch of the West if you wanted.

Take care, all. Much love.

Happy Horseshit, The Addictive Society and Substance

I have an anonymous commentor who isn't impressed with Eclectic Recovery. I initially responded with anger and struck back because I honestly don't understand people who feel the need to strike out at others from their own hurt places. I usually turn that hostility inward. Neither way is very effective. Anonymous indicated that I am being selfish and have no interest in helping others and nothing could be further from the truth. I'm reminded of a video I saw by Father Martin in treatment in which he stated that the worst pain can come from having your intentions misinterpreted. Father Martin was right about that.

Anonymous called my last post "happy horseshit" and I won't disagree with him/her on that score. The more happy horseshit I develop in my life the more joyful and fulfilling my recovery. Anonymous also indicated that I wasn't writing anything here of substance and with that I have to take exception. Perhaps he/she doesn't understand how to find their way around a blog so here are links to some of my more informative posts on recovery from addiction: Post Acute Withdrawal, dealing with pain, practicing radical accpetance, negative emotional states. cooking in recovery, Medicine Wheel recovery, reviews on recovery books here, here and here, nutritional supplements, gratitude, and H.A.L.T. Just to name a few. Also, if you're interested, there's plenty in the blog archives (which you can reach by scrolling through the date entries in the left-hand column) about what hasn't worked. I've been honest about my failures and successes here and I've had quite a few slip-ups in my attempts at sobriety. Also in the left-hand column are links to other websites I utilize and find helpful - some directly related to recovery from addiction, some not.

I'm reading a book now, "Willpower's Not Enough" by Arnold Washton, Ph.D., and Donna Boundy, M.S.W. which is a very practical, informative and easy-to-read missive about dealing with addictions. There's a chapter titled, "The Addictive Society" and here's an excerpt:

It is now widely known that children growing up with chemically-dependent parents are at high risk for developing addictions themselves. But what we are just starting to realize is that growing up in an addictive society affects us all too - in many of the same ways.

In fact, it may be all but impossible to grow up in our present culture and not acquire at least some vulnerability to addiction. That's because the addictive personality traits (an emphasis on image, cravings for power and control, denial, dishonesty, just to name a few) are increasingly reflected in society's values and trends. And it's a self-perpetuating process. Certain trends create the conditions in which addiction thrives, and growing numbers of addictive people reinforce these trends.

Our society, in a sense, is becoming a large dysfunctional family. And just as children in dysfunctional families become prone to addiction as they try to adapt to their troubled family, so too are we becoming more addiction prone as we try to adapt to the larger dysfunctional system in which we live.

In other words, it's become the ocean we swim in. We don't even notice how bombarded we are by sick, abusive and violent messages; we don't stop long enough to hear our own heartbeat and we certainly don't listen out for anyone else's.

I have long been frustrated about how society uses addicts and alcoholics as scapegoats for their own shadow aspects. There are many shadow tendencies that are not as overt as chemical depdency but which are just as destructive for society and the individuals that make up society. For instance: sexual addiction, gambling, corporate greed, animal and earth cruelty, image glorification, misuse of food and many, many others. Anonymous' behavior is a small example of the problem: visit a blog, read one post, decide it's crap and attack the person writing it. My little blog may not be doing much to heal society's ills, or even my own, but it's a start to being the change I'd like to see in the world.

So thanks, Anonymous, for making me think, take another look at what I'm doing here and giving me something to write about today.

Request to the Universe

I am so grateful for the many blessing that have been bestowed upon me. At times it seems as if I'm ungrateful, but usually I'm just confused about things and now they are becoming more clear to me. The more awake I become the more I realize how abudant the universe actually is, how there's quite enough for all of us. As Marianne Williams says,

"You are a child of god. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure about you. We were born to manifest the glory of god that is within us."

As a woman who sees herself in the divinity of the feminine, I would use goddess or at least god/goddess but I'm trying not to get caught up in semantics. It's just that the language we use is so powerful. But, I digress.

I'm going to leave blessings for her all over the town of Butte today in hopes that she hears my prayer and grants me one more blessing.

Cross Quarter Days - Imbolc

This is my new year. At some point over the past few years I realized that this cross-quarter day, the mid-way point in Aquarius, feels like the new year to me. Somewhere along the way I have veered from the traditional holidays because the old ones feel right to me. I can feel the earth's belly starting to warm beneath the snow and ice; I sense the new growth that will be bursting forth in a few short months; I watch each day become a little longer, a little lighter.

The usual celebration would be to light candles, which I can't do in my current living situation, and to feast in honor or Brigid, goddess of smithcraft and poetry, keeper of the sacred fire and caller to modern women to remember their power and use it for a world sorely in need. Tonight I will write of patterns of thought and action that I am letting go, ones that haven't served me or the world for years and years. I continue to meditate on where she wants me to work, what she wants me to do and I put my requests to the stars and try to be patient.

My thoughts and dreams are of permaculture, greening, priestess pathwork, counseling, designing, sobriety and recovery, community, sustainability, writing, ritual. How they can all fit together. How will she weave this web? It will be intricate and beautiful and I will do my best. It never occurs to me that I'm in no position to dream. I'm longing for a new tribe while continuing to honor the old tribe. More connection; common growth. Patience, Angela - that is my mantra.

Happy New Year.

Concrete Suggestions

This was left in the comments on my last post:



What are you doing to stay sober? Your blog heading mentions new ideas for successful recovery, but I wonder what you are doing. I can barely find my way around a computer so blogging certainly isn't an option for me. What about blogging assures recovery? I guess treatment and halfway houses can limit the access to drugs, but I spent a year in jail and got high every day so I don't think incarceration equals sobriety either. I'd like some concrete suggestions if you have them.


Addiction is such a complex illness. I wish I could offer a magic bullet - that one or two or 12 things you could do to ensure your sobriety, but I can't. I have one concrete suggestion: don't drink or use . . . no matter what. If you're attempting abstinence and you do drink or use or find that you can't not use, try again. If you fail again, try again. Remember that in between failing you are succeeding.

While you're doing that, seek out communities (there are lots of links on my blog and on the other blogs I link to) where you can get good support for your efforts. There are many and the numbers and varities of groups are growing by the day. Do what you can to improve your health by good old fashioned exercise and good nutrition, laughing, getting out in the sunshine and doing anything that you truly enjoy doing - without using or drinking. Begin to explore yourself. There's a person inside you who wants to be clean and sober. Befriend him or her. Discover what makes them happy and go for it.

Do it for yourself. You're worth it.

Wolf Moon in Leo

Tonight is the both the first and the largest full moon of 2010. Called the wolf moon by Native Americans because the wolves howled their lonely song to it on cold winter nights in the Rocky Mountains. Wolves. Full moons. Rocky Mountains. It doesn't get much better than that.

I'm visiting Lakeside by way of Polson where I met up with a handsome kitty cat and got some good feline loving. I'm going to visit some friends and leave for Butte again on Sunday.

I was looking at the new moon intentions I wrote two weeks ago and the only one I didn't follow through on was blogging daily and there was nothing I could do about that. My internet connection at the 1/2-way house went down last Friday and hasn't come back yet. I'm trying to figure out a way to make sure I can always get hooked up to the net. I do so much of my life on-line now: a lot of my sobriety support, my blogging (which is also sobriety support), banking, staying in contact with family and friends. It really messes me up when I can't get on the web for long periods of time. I'm at the library in Kalispell now, but it's not the same as sitting with my own computer, a cup of coffee and my own time in which to browse, check your blogs, read Planet Waves, answer e-mail, etc.

As for my other intentions: I am still sober (approaching 90 days); I do believe; I am imagining the rest of my life; I am exploring education and career opportunities but have nothing to report yet and despite still being homeless and jobless, all in all, I'm feeling pretty good about things. Because it's not about things, is it? It's about people and friendship and love and support and faith. Hell, I'm rich.

I'd like to send out some special love to Claudia Cunningham, author; Julie Wenner, Alley Grazer; Miss R, one freakin' incredible human being, and Chani, another one of those. These women, along with my family and many, many others just make me want to be a better person. Thanks, ladies.

Our Lady

Hello Blogosphere

Wireless has been down at the "shelter" all weekend so I walked in flaky, fluffy new snow to the local art/coffee shop to get connected. I have to say that Butte, America is beginning to grow on me. I watched a documentary on the copper mines and all the incredible history that has happened here and I'm seeing the place with new eyes. The "richest hill on earth" has seen its share of controversy, corporate greed (which is a Montana theme unfortunately) and violence. But what stood out to me most in the documentary was the community of miners and their families; how the people took care of each other through strikes that lasted for months going on years and how when the mines no longer provided support, the community banded together and did this: Our Lady of the Rockies. For no pay I might add. You know I love having her watching over me. I've never been all that attracted to the more christianized forms of the goddess, but I'll take what's available. I'm learning to love where I am, who I'm with, and the manifestations of the divine as they present themselves to me.

I also watched another documentary on Marija Gumbitas, an archaeologist who had the cajones and the brains to flip the archaeological world on its ear with her ideas about Old Europe and the religion they practiced. Of course, it looks like a no-brainer when you watch the documentary, but apparently the academia still doesn't accept a lot of her theories. What a brilliant woman. I think people won't accept it because they literally cannot imagine a time when there was peace, harmony and cooperation among humans. As for me, it gives me hope. If we did it once, we can do it again. And what beautiful art they did. I envision future humans millenia from now discovering Carla Sander's art and concluding that there were indeed some civilized people that lived during our era.

Did I mention I'm considering school? Addictions counseling and/or graphic design. Wish me luck on the financing.

Much, much love.

What Matters

Much to my surprise, I'm enjoying the living situation I now find myself in. True, my private space consists of a 10' x 8' cubicle, but hey, who's measuring? I have plenty of private time and what seems even more important, plenty of community time if I want it. Meals are taken in a community dining room, residents share the dinner cooking, there's a recreation room with workout equipment (and my yoga mat) and usually a good movie with good company in the evenings. It makes me wonder why we all feel as if we have to live alone or with one other person if we don't end up with a traditional family unit. It makes me want to create recovery communities where people can live and contribute and be supportive of each other and their local economy, grow organic food, provide a needed service to the community (yes, I have one in mind). And have their pets, of course. I do miss that kitty of mine.

Now, if Ted Turner would just pop in and provide the capital, I'd have it made, wouldn't I?

I have a couple of jobs at the moment and they are to keep my eye and heart on what matters, which is my sobriety, and to nurture the vision that I have for myself and for how I might begin to make a difference in this crazy fucked up world. As is evident from earthquakes in Haiti to our new Senator in Massachusetts, things are getting worse. People don't know where to turn or what to do and I figure it's the whack jobs like me and you who will come in and save the day. Maybe that's why they thought I had a problem with "grandiosity" in treatment, huh? Oh well, I won't let them take my dreams.

Sweet ones to all of you.

Quote from Kahlil Gibran

One may not reach the dawn save by the path of the night.

PAWS - It's not your kitty's foot

Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome is the period of time after acute withdrawal from alcohol or drugs. Acute withdrawal occurs within 3-10 days while post acute withdrawal can last anywhere from 3 months to 2 years and some forms may even cause permanent, if intermittent, symptoms.

Terrence Gorski was the first to coin the term and identity the syndrome. Mr. Gorski is a pioneer in the field of addiction and especially relapse prevention. Studies now show that it takes a minimum of one year for the brain to heal from addiction and often much longer.

The symptoms of post acute withdrawal can include any or all of the following:

Inability to think clearly which includes an inability to concentrate, an inability to solve problems and rigid, repetitive thinking.

Memory problems.

Emotional overreaction or numbness.

Sleep disturbances.

Difficulty in managing stress and day-to-day life circumstances.

Depression.

Anxiety.

The major challenge for a person newly recovering is discovering how many of these symptoms will go away with continued abstinence and how many may be due to co-occurring disorders such as anxiety and depression.

The amount of stress encountered in early sobriety directly affects how severe a person’s symptoms will be. That’s why it’s so important in the first couple of years of sobriety to keep stress levels at a minimum and do everything we can to take good care of ourselves – mentally and physically. This is also why it’s advised to stay away from certain people, places and things in early recovery and why it helps so much to be around people who understand addiction and recovery from it.

When I got sober in 1988, PAWS was not known about, but I certainly suffered from it and would’ve been helped at the time by a better understanding of what was happening with me. For the first two years of my sobriety I had all of the above symptoms and most of the time felt like I was going nuts. At two years, I finally sought help for what had become debilitating depression and anxiety and was placed on medication that, along with continued abstinence, brought a lot of relief.

I’ve come to believe that my history of chronic relapse has been in great part due to untreated PAWS and I’m grateful for the work that Mr. Gorski has done in this field.

Now that we know what it is, how do we deal with it? Not surprisingly, the things that help PAWS are those same good lifestyle habits that reinforce sobriety and a life worth living. They include:

Good nutrition.

Exercise.

Relaxation.

Interpersonal coping skills.

Talking it out – therapy or group support.

Writing it out – journaling.

If the symptoms make it extremely difficult to maintain sobriety or to maintain a normal daily life, medication may be necessary and you should, of course, consult with an addiction professional.

It’s fortunate that we now know the biological causes of post acute withdrawal and don’t have to be strapped with labels like “dry drunk”. I believe my PAWS was worsened by the guilt I felt that I wasn’t working the program properly, that my character defects were unchecked and that I didn’t have enough conscious contact with my higher power. The truth is, guilt on top of PAWS will only exacerbate the problem.

Today I know that my daily program must include good nutrition, exercise and relaxation and that I should try and keep my stress levels to a minimum. Next I’m going to write about the Relapse Cycle as Terrence Gorski describes it and talk about how I think PAWS kept me going through that damned thing over and over again.

PAWS tomorrow

I'm not going to have time to write about PAWS today and give it the space it needs so I'll save it for tomorrow.

Life in the halfway house is developing a rhythm and it's a slow, soothing kind of rhythm. The weekend has been quiet with lots of time to read, journal and reflect; to study the astrology and the cards; to be with the silence.

I read "The Biology of Belief" by Bruce Lipton and while a lot of it was over my head I get the gist of it. I've read Candace Pert and Gregg Braden and they're all coming up with the same thing: science and spirit are finding their way back to each other, and we're all going to be the better for it. Kind of crazy we ever had to separate them, but that's just how the cookie crumbles as they say. Bruce coined a new term which I love: Survival of the Most Loving. That would be as opposed to survival of the fittest for which we of course have Mr. Darwin to thank. Don't you like loving much better? I do. Plus, it gives me more of a chance at said survival. I'm getting pretty good at loving.

And right now I'm sending love out to all of you. May you have a peaceful moment of contentment, a heartfelt warming of love and a most blessed day.