History - Part II - The AA Years

The AA Years

The AA years were 1988-1994. These years served a valuable purpose in my life and I wouldn't change them for a thing. I came out of my 30-day inpatient treatment program a changed woman, certain that I had finally discovered what was wrong with me and just exactly how to fix it. Well, of course, how could I have missed it! I was an alcoholic and drug addict and the 12-steps were to be my key to liberation and fulfillment.

There was just one tiny problem. The 12 steps never proved to be a positive force for change in my life. I especially had difficulty with the 4th Step which states: "We made a searching and fearless moral inventory." The initial process of this step begins with listing all your resentments. Only I'm not a person who carries around a lot of deep-seated resentments. So if I couldn't even get started, how the hell was I ever supposed to finish? Still, I gave it my best shot and attended lots of meetings, which were a fantastic social outlet, had sponsors and worked the steps even though I tended to sink into a deep morass of self-pity by focusing on my character flaws. I was already painfully aware of those things!

It's my belief that the steps are a great recovery model for the personality type described in the Big Book of AA:

Selfishness - self-centerdness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate.

So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so.

Here I was, a young woman with a stunted if not fully crippled ego structure, who was all too eager to take 100% of the blame for my troubles. Why, it would just be way too painful to think that maybe there were other circumstances and people in my life who may actually have contributed to the state I found myself in. So I found the perfect venue to fly right over all that painful stuff. At what cost to my soul I am only now making friends with.

But, remember, I was a changed woman, sure that I had found the answer to my problem. And so forge forward I did. And you know what? I did it sober. And sober was a whole new ballgame in this little girl's life. So despite myself, I grew up a lot during these years and another great thing happened. I got really healthy physically. Which maybe kept me alive through the relapse years - which will comprise installment #3, and maybe even 4 and 5 of "History".

I'll be on retreat for a couple of days, but will be eager to read your responses when I return on Monday. This is hard work! A girl's gotta get a little break now and then.

Peace to you all.

Eclectic Recovery Would Like to Honor the Passing

of a brilliant, courageous woman. May she guide us all from wherever she is.

Alcoholism, Astrology, Archetypes, and Sex?

My four primary healing modalities in moving away from alcoholism are astrology, archetypes, writing and sex. That may seem like a strange combination to some people, but they're perfect for me. If you're attempting to leave an alcohol or drug problem behind, your three or five or four processes may be quite different from mine. Yours could be golf and religion, or Reiki, Gestalt therapy and getting in touch with your inner child, or maybe AA, creating art and volunteering in your community. Whatever they turn out to be the important thing is to discover them for yourself and intentionally begin applying them to create a life that will be much too passionate, fulfilled and large to have time for an addiction problem.

Now, I didn't sit down one day and say, "Ok, these are going to be my healing venues." It's taken years of exploring different things that came into view and caught my enthusiasm and interest. I studied a lot of different pagan religions and went to a few circles, but that didn't turn out to be one of my key processes, even though I thought it would be. I explored every alternative recovery program I could find, but none of them are a main ingredient in my alchemical pot. The important thing is that I never stopped searching. I was stuck in the "abstinence is the only way" mode for so long it probably took me a little longer than it needed to. One of my hopes for writing all of this out here is that others for whom abstinence may not be the answer will save themselves some time.

I began an in-depth exploration into astrology a few years ago. I'd always been interested in it, but now I really dove in and did a lot of reading and research. I also retained a personal astrologer, Anita Doyle, with whom I meet about once a year. My work with Anita has proven more helpful to me than all the many years of therapy I did. Astrology was my initial foray into reframing my experiences on a cosmic scale. I don't approach astrology on a predictive basis but as a language of the psyche, a poetry for the human soul and a magical way to explore what has made me who I am today. You might even say, if you wanted, that the planets, stars and myths of astrology became my higher power because it's freaky how accurate they are. I discovered that my heart much preferred to view my addiction problem as a manifestation of Neptune conjunct my Sun and realize that there is a higher side of that aspect I can move into. Framing it that way is much more palatable to me than determining that I have a life-long sentence that I can never overcome and that will either kill me, send me to jail or land me in an institution. For all its "out there" reputation, astrology has proven to be one of the most practical tools in my arsenal.

More later on archetypes, writing and sex. Have I got your attention?

Poetry

Can save our world, or at least our souls. These are two of my favorites at the moment. Probably, most of you have read them, but I would hate to think one person might've missed out.

The Invitation

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.


Oriah Mountain Dreamer



and


Kindness

Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.

What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.

How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.

Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night
with plans and the simple breath
that kept him alive.

Before you know kindness
as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow
as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.

Then it is only kindness
that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day
to mail letters and purchase bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
it is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you every where
like a shadow or a friend.

By Naomi Shihab Nye

Happy and Warm Holidays to you all.

History - Part 1

The story I am here to tell won't make much sense without a litte history, so here's installment #1. These will be very shortened versions because if there's anything I hate it's a blog post that takes me more than 5 minutes to read. I grew up in a small town in Georgia, a few miles from Atlanta, the eldest daughter of three girls. Born in November of 1961, I barely missed the 60's generation and have always been just a little pissed off about that. There was nothing unusual about my childhood. I was cared for, loved and part of a normal, happy, if slightly dysfunctional, middle-class family. At the age of 13, my relationship with my mother became somewhat complicated (yeah, yeah, I know, who's didn't?) and I began to act out with drugs. I started smoking pot and doing some drinking, but I still had lots of other interests that meant a lot more to me than any of that stuff. My parents caught me smoking pot early on and I put it all away for awhile. I picked it back up my senior year in high school and by then it seemed that alcohol and drugs were a way for me to assert my independence, unfortunately having not found healther venues. At 18 years of age, I married a sweet boy and moved to California for two years - a couple of years I remember as mostly happy, carefree and fun. We did a lot of partying, were very much in love and were pretty much clueless about what real life entailed. When his time in the Navy was up we moved back to Georgia and I quickly decided that I was way too young for this married life. At the ripe old age of 20, I was a new divorcee', back in an element where I was comfortable and ready to get on with having some serious fun. Enter a man I will call Sean for this story. Sean was/is 16 years my senior and he was a drug dealer at the time, dealing in cocaine. Unfortunately for us, Sean fell crazy in love with me and I feel crazy in love with his drugs. I'm not sure how I made it through the next 8 years, but I'm sitting here writing about it now, so I guess I did. These years were spent snorting, drinking and running the streets. I did manage to stay employed and take care of myself most of the time, but needless to say, it took a lot out of me. I would go weeks with little sleep, little food and lots of drugs and alcohol. The toll on my health was tremendous and after a few years of this I began to be sick a lot. Strep throat I had several times, bad flu's, long cold's - immune system stuff. I was sick so much I quit my job and went to work in my mother's flower shop. After a particularly nasty binge which lasted a couple of weeks, and in a state of complete exhaustion and guilt, I confessed to my parent's what I had been up to. The next night I went to my first 12-step meeting. It was a Cocaine Anonymous meeting and I met people there that I am still friends with today. I celebrated my first 30 days clean with a nice pitcher of magaritas. It's 1986 now, and the next two years were spent in going to meetings, staying clean and sober for awhile and then relapsing. I began to feel that something really must be wrong with me, as other people seemed to find a "home" in the 12-step rooms, and while my intentions were good, it just wouldn't seem to stick on me. Everyone was entering "spa" treatment programs then and I decided this was what I needed. In July of 1988 I attended a 30-day inpatient treatment program and began a period of sobriety that would last six years. I fully immersed myself in AA culture and belief and it worked - for awhile.

Alcoholic or Adolescent Acting Out?

When I let go of the belief that my alcoholism was a disease - something I would have to live with for the rest of my life - I wasn't fully aware where that would take me. That's probably a good thing because I'm not sure I would've had the courage had I known exactly what it would entail. When I chose to quit hiding behind a victim mentality, which is what the disease concept became for me, I had to face up to some hard truths. If I didn't have a disease , well, just what the hell had I been doing with all that crazy drinking behavior?

Hard truth #1 was admitting that I had been running around playing out all the drama and unresolved issues from my childhood in a very destructive and hurtful manner. If you think it was easy to admit to myself that a lot of my adult life has been spent in acting out like a 14-year old, think again. No wonder I tried to run back to the somewhat comforting belief that alcoholism was a disease from which I could never fully recover and for which I really couldn't be held responsible.

I had another hard truth to face up to. I used my alcoholism as a test for people in my life. Could you continue to love me if I went on three-day binges in which I would totally withdraw into an isolated realm of self-imposed destruction? Would you still be there if you knew what I did in the confines of my own home - drinking, passing out, drinking, passing out until I could finally drink no more? This truth was even harder to face than the acting out, because until I was confronted with it, I had no idea I was doing this to people in my life. Really, no idea whatsoever. But as soon as my teacher brought it to my attention, I realized it was true. And I hated that about myself.

Which is where, of course, radical forgiveness comes in. The only way I can really move forward through these realities is to fully and finally forgive myself. That entails a lot of contemplation, a lot of prayer, and a lot of tears!

I also have gotten tremendous help here on the physical plane. I'm amazed how once I opened myself up to getting brutally real about my alcoholism, support popped up from all over. Teachers, friends, mentors, ideas, concepts, books, cd's (oh! and don't forget the kitties) - everywhere I turned I was given all I needed to move through this process and begin to heal.

I'd like to end this post with deep gratitude for all that support - support I continue to receive on a daily, sometimes momentary basis. As corny as it sounds, it really is the wind beneath my wings. You know who you are.

Sacred Sunday - The Jagged Edge

Radical Recovery. That's the term Lillian and Murdoch MacDonald use in their book, Phoenix in a Bottle, for their recovery from alcoholism. Why is it radical? It's radical because despite all the commonly accepted beliefs that society has been fed about alcoholism, these two people found a way up and out of it and they feel no need to abstain from the occasional libation. Among the beliefs they have discarded are the following:'

Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic.

Alcoholism is an incurable, progressive and fatal disease.

The only way to recover from alcoholism is through abstinence.

All alcoholics are egocentric, ruthless and care only for themselves.

If you're lucky and you confess all your character defects and all the rotten things you've done in your life, you may have a spiritual awakening which will grant you a daily reprieve from alcoholism. However, it is always there, waiting in the wings to once again take control of your life and lay it to waste.

I've been dancing around this issue for awhile now for several reasons; not the least of which was the vitriol directed at me when I admitted to a drinking episode several weeks ago. But the time has come for me to take a stand and I'm finally ready to do it.

In the past few weeks, I, too, have discarded all the beliefs listed above. It's been a painful, sometimes excruciating, but ultimately liberating process. I've ridden the jagged edge of every belief I ever swallowed - hook, line and sinker - without ever asking msyelf if it was true for me.

I've raged and cried and yes, I've even gotten good and drunk a couple of times, but I've continued to ruthlessly examine every single concept I once held as true. As I've done so, I've released myself from guilt that never belonged to me; I've found honor and respect for the hard journey I've been on and I've stepped into the full essence of what it means to be me, Angela, here on this planet at this time. In the process, I've experienced drinking as an enjoyable accompaniment to life - as something I can choose to do without fear of slipping into full blown alcoholism. I finally get what they mean when they say that the power we need lies within. It's always been there, but it had to be excavated - slowly, painstakingly and with great tenderness.

And yes, it's an ongoing process, but I feel I'm through the bulk of it and am ready to begin sharing it - without fear of retribution - without regret. Because it just might be possible that someone else out there could use a fresh message around this problem. And if one person could be saved years of needless suffering, well, that would be good enough for me.

My goal is no longer abstinence from alcohol. I am joining Lillian and Murdoch in being satisfied with nothing less than Radical Recovery.

Accidentally Green

When I moved to Montana it wasn't with the intention of creating a more "green" life. But that's exactly what's happened and I couldn't be happier about it. I figured my carbon footprint here: carbonfootprint.com and mine came in at 12.245 tons of CO2 per year, well below the average of 20 tons. I figure it's even a little lower because some of the questions, like: "Do you eat red meat?" I answered yes to, but the red meat I'm eating is a deer that my friends killed and we all processed over the weekend.

Why is my footprint lower? Here are some reasons:

I drive a Toyota Corolla and I only drive about 1500 miles a year.

I eat probably 90% local organic produce.

I buy a lot of my clothes and household appliances second-hand.

I wash in cold water.

I don't have a dishwasher (now, that one was really an accident, but I've turned washing dishes into a meditation opportunity!)

Most people aren't aware that one of the biggest energy sucks in our society is the food industry and how we as individuals choose to shop, cook and eat. In "The Balanced Plate", by Renee Loux, she talks about this:

In the last 50 years, however, the food industry has radically changed. This change not only pervades the growing of food but also the processing, distribution, politics and consumption of food. Farm productivity has increased 80 percent since 1960, butu the population living and working on farms has dropped from 40 percent to 2 percent. Family-run farms are on the verge of extinction, and in today's global economy, the dependence on seasonal, regional food no longer exists. Moreover, modern farming has truncated tried-and-true systems with a chemical revolution. We are growing more food on less land with higher profit margins, lower prices, and the loss of a majority of the once prolific varieties of any given food for two, three or maybe four standard varieties, which dominate the market without contest.

And if like me, you're interested in why we should be concerned about that, I'll offer another quote from "Diet for a New World" by John Robbins:

Less than half the harvested agricultural acreage in the U.S. is used to grow food for people. The majority of it is used instead to grow livestock feed. . . . It takes sixteen pounds of grain to produce a feedlot of beef. It takes only one pound of grain to produce a pound of bread. It is hard to grasp how immensely wasteful the feed conversion ratio for beef is. By cycling our grain thorugh livestock and into beef, we end up with only 6 percent as much food available to feed human beings as we would have if we ate the grain directly. If Americans reduced their red meat consumption by 10 percent, enough grain would be saved to feed sixty million people!

I highly recommend both of these books for anyone interested in becoming more aware of how our individual choices can make a big difference in healing our planet as well as ourselves. The agricultural methods prevalant today lay waste to the land and produce food with little to no nutritional value.

Oh, and if you're wondering about heart attack, cancer, osteoporosis, ADHD and ADD, you can find the reasons for it by researching the food industry, the beef and dairy lobbies and taking a good look at what's on your dinner plate.

I did really well with my first deer processing experience. That is until they brought that carcass out that you see in the picture - at which point I had to take a serious break. Peggy & Tom were real understanding about it though and took over until I could get back in there with them. I have enough meat to last me until next year. All it cost me was the gas to drive to Peggy & Tom's and the small amount of beef and pork to add to the burger and sausage to provide some fat. And not only that, I feel a deep sense of gratitude for the sustenance my little buck is going to provide me over the next year and I feel very connected to this food. We tested the breakfast and italian sausage yesterday morning and it was so good! I've got roasts, tenderloin, fajita strips, stew meat, burger and sausage. It's healthy meat and there was no extreme energy suck to the planet to produce it.

This week I've decided to go one step further in the "greening" of Angela. I'm going to start composting. Look forward to more appetizing photos in the future!

I invite you to visit Renee's fabulous website to begin your own personal exploration in going green, eating well and helping save the planet.

Please tell me about your "greening" experiences and any resources you know of for further education. Thanks, ya'll!

A Lesson in Expectations

Sometimes the Universe serves up lessons on a silver platter, seemingly custom made for us. I got one of those this past weekend. I planned an open house for my new business in which I represent a collective of Montana artists on an etsy site. The etsy site has been slow getting going and I really wanted to get some work sold for the three artists I'm currently working with. For two weekends I worked on my house pretty much non-stop - mopping, scrubbing, sweeping, polishing, decorating. I sent e-mails, put flyers out and told everyone I could think of about the open house.

The event was planned for Sunday afternoon and as the time approached I felt so confident that it was going to be a success. I wouldn't even have called this "expectation" at the time because I entertained no thought of a less than stellar event. I did everything right - even the astrology looked good for it and it never occurred to me that the response wouldn't be excellent.

The open house began at 2:00. At 3:00 when only one person had shown up I began to get a little nervous. I ended up with only a dozen guests in three hours and a dismal amount of sales. Suddenly I was face to face with how much it hurts when expectations are not met and how it would have been good to have been prepared for a different outcome.

When I did my yoga Sunday morning, I offered the entire day to the service of my community, the artists I work with and to Spirit. But by the end of the day it was painfully apparent that I only wanted to offer it as a success. Yesterday I wrote the artists to let them know how it went. Ouch. I even rallied and decided that maybe I could salvage it by inviting all my friends and my Monday morning yoga class to lunch - I mean the house was still gorgeous, I still had food and everything was still out just waiting to be purchased. Three people came and no additional sales were made.

On a side note, it's very interesting to me who buys and who doesn't. It is the people who don't necessarily have a lot of disposable income that will usually come through. When I attend something like this, I always go prepared to spend money to support the event - even if it's only $10. It just seems like a good way to spread the wealth. If I don't want to spend money or don't have it, I usually don't go. So it was interesting to me that of the 12 people that came, the ones with the appearance of having the most money didn't spend a dime. Some of my dear friends, ones I know are struggling financially, bought a card or a candle or just some little something and I appreciate that so much. Some people don't even look at the stuff - I think they just come for the food!

This is an ongoing lesson for me. I've wanted to feel much more of a sense of community than I do from several groups I'm involved with. I like to get out and support people, to boost them up and in the process hopefully take us all to the next level with whatever we're doing - writing, yoga, business, art. But I expect it to be returned. And I keep getting slapped right in the face with that expectation over and over.

I'm also facing that this business, the way it's structured right now, won't work for me. I'm doing a tremendous amount of work and since none of the art is actually mine, I won't ever make enough to even cover my expenses. I am currently re-thinking the whole thing but am not prepared to give up on my commitment to the artists yet.

I'd like to know what ya'll think - how do you handle expectations, how do you make yourself vulnerable without fear? How do you decide that it doesn't matter who or what responds to your best efforts and trust that in the long run someone will notice? How do you truly offer yourself in service with no expectation of the results?

I'd also like to thank Claudia and Julie for coming over early and helping me out with some last minute details. If it weren't for some of my very good friends, I would be experiencing a lot more disappointment.

Wellness Wednesday - The Yoga Diaries

I was at Roberta's house Sunday night for dinner and I mentioned I was considering making a commitment to do yoga every day for 30 days. "Well", she said, "how about making a vow? A vow is so much deeper than a commitment really. Let's do it together." (You have to be really careful what you mention you're considering to Roberta.) Thus began our "vow" to do yoga every day for 30 days and to write to each other about our practice. Roberta's first installment was so beautiful I asked her if I could share it here. So I guess Roberta is my first guest blogger! Here is her first Yoga Diary installment:

Day 2 The Yoga Diaries - Two Yoginis Takin' it Deeper

Day 2 is actually our first "real day" of my experiment with dear yogini friend Angela--taking a VOW (not a "pact", not a "committment", but a VOW!) to do yoga every day for one month. And to share what we are discovering with each other as well of course being a great source of support and encouragement. As this notion arose two days ago, part of what was clear to us was that a vow is something sacred, and something you don't screw around with. Are you for real, or are you just playing around with trying eternally to get better! Interesting question and already a fascinating exploration. Our first day we were both in class with our wonderful teacher Debra, being inspired as usual. But today we were left to our own resources! So here's my report for this day:

Decided at some point that I would have an early evening practice of some sort. Started preparing thinking about something I read once in "Light on Yoga" about how it's advisable to bathe both before and after practice. A novel idea to us westerners. But I like the idea of purifying and cleansing the body as part of entering into a sacred event. Also felt it would feel good to wash the day away. So I took a lovely long bubble bath with Miracle Soap and an essential oil blend called "Tranquility"--lavender, balsam fir needle, patchouli, Roman chamomile, palmerosa, and geranium. Just reading the ingredients puts me into deep chill mode. Decided not to read as I often do in the bathroom and just relaxed and let the sounds of the new Shantala cd soothe my body and soul.

Dried off and dressed in my favorite yoga clothes and then suffered a brief glitch of not remembering where I'd put my yoga mat. But clarity of intention persevered and after a brief search I found it and spread it out in my bedroom.

My bedroom is currently in flux, as are a lot of parts of my house. Because of three beautiful thangkas on the wall, a lovely Saraswati statue, and a sufi wood painting from Morocco, the room has a nice feeling. But because it also has some absolutely huge electical cords required for remodeling as well as often has noisy toddlers or a crying baby in the room during the day, I realized tonight that I have withdrawn my energy from this room, mainly just sleeping there. Only very recently even vacuumed, dusted, and changed the sheets in this poor neglected area. So I began my practice by relaxing into being with Chenrisi, White Tara, and Green Tara who are the figures in the three thangkas. I began by looking closely but softly at all of the details, many of which I had never fully noticed or had forgotten about. Then I looked at the entire image again in a soft way. Then it spontaneously occurred to me to ask and open myself to the blessings that were available for the asking. I opened my arms by my sides and allowed myself to receive fully with no obstruction or no notion of the concept of "obstructions". No nada. So beautiful to fully receive. I then raised my hands high, bowed deeply, and moved on to the next being who was awaiting my visit. Enjoyed learning to sense in a more refined way these different but equally sublime healing energies. White Tara is interesting because in this thangka she is more of a tan color with numerous gold highlights and these amazing pink roses. Just lush. The richness and fullness of Chenresi always bowls me over. And Green Tara is so dark, primal, mysterious, and eternally flowing and giving. A real babe of the deep jungle. Like Kali. And finally I came to the sufi painting I'd purchased in Morocco in 1967 on an early adventure with a girl friend. This painting may be the only thing besides my violin I've managed to hold onto after a life of so many years of moving A LOT. Moving houses, apartments, moving to new parts of the same town many times, changing housemates, husbands and lovers quite a lot. So the stuff has literally been flying all over the place. But this painting has been with me through three different spiritual communities, gracing so many houses and spaces I've lived in. And even though I "liked" it, it was always a bit of an enigma to me --"some kind of sufi thing". Tonight I relaxed gently into the concentric intricately decorated circles, noticing a couple of grease stains. I couldn't remember whether they came with it when I bought it. I slowly became aware of subtle gradations of coloration and a slight pulsating motion, drawing me deeper into the Heart at the core. I suddenly knew that this "thing" which I'd pondered and speculated about over the hearts, is nothing less than a crystallized transmission of Love, waiting patiently for the beholder who looks on it with love to bring it into Life and "activate" it.

So this, my dear yogini buddy, was the Beginning of Practice tonight! Oh my goodness. I actually had the thought that this could also be the end of my practice for today, as our "guidelines" mercifully allow a lot of leeway for what it is to consciously "practice yoga". I was already feeling that nothing was lacking. But my space was by this time feeling so energized and divinized that I was curious to discover what I might further experience. When I sat down I was immediately aware of beginning to breathe more deeply and regularly and continuing to remain open to all these blessings raining down. I didn't even think to do the Invocation we usually do as it seemed like it had already happened. I started doing some gentle neck stretches and spinal movements, loosening up what I was immediately aware was speaking to me. Then I even remembered to change the cross of my legs as Debra has been having us do recently. Noticed how I have been "resenting" this intrusion on my "habit" but that tonight it seemed just interesting. Then moved into child's pose. Thought briefly about how much I was enjoying this chance to "experiment" a bit. Why do we always or at least very often begin with child's pose? Well, it seems because it is such a great gentle hip opener as well as a simultaneous great spine stretch. A great prep for Down Dog. Am feeling that at long last I am on the verge of begninning to inhabit Down Dog. Gosh, a breakthrough! This is because recently Debra made it clear that not only is it way overdue for me to get my shoulders open (instead of "working at it" for years and years!), but that the essential muscles and knowledge is actually already in the program. She showed me exactly where it is in fact recently, and this was so brilliant. Now instead of constantly haranguing myself about how I Should Do More Shoulder Openers, I can just simply open them. Hallelujah! So after my best and fullest expression of Down Dog (at this point in time and space)then I moved to pigeon (your favorite!) which I experienced so beautifully and deeply tonight. I really like this one. Then back to down dog, lowering down pretty gracefully into cobra which I also enjoy so much, especially with the arms out to the side so you can really get "the trench". Then slowly up via Fierce Pose which I am also finding to be powerfully energizing as of late. Stood in relaxed but impeccable Standing Pose breathing deeply and smoothly for a while. Sat down thinking I might do some more asanas, but then thought "No, more is not necessarily better. I am not competing with anyone, not even myself or my past selves". Now that is a relief! It was tantamount to myself and everyone else in the room (Green Tara, White Tara, Chenresi, and the unnamed Sufi) that the next best move was sivasana! But before I got into this I brought my awareness into having an "arch" in my lower back, shoulders back and heart up and shining. Then some moments of letting it all go into timeless and spaceless mode. But still so energized and alive that when the notion of "The Yoga Diaries" flitted into my brain I had to gently rise from this excellent session and tell you all about it.

I was sure from the get go that this Vow was a good idea. But it's way better than I'd imagined (as of course, everything always is!) So no expectation, no programs, no agendas, no plans. Just show up and see what's happening. Thank you so much for being the generator of this enjoyable and instructive experiment,girlfriend!

With love and comradeship in endless exploration--

Roberta

Pecan Cheesecake Pie

For the second year in a row, I've spent Thanksgiving with my co-workers and good friends, Peggy and Tom. Peggy and Tom live in a cozy little house on the side of a mountain in the forest. There is still snow on the ground and trees and pulling up to their house with the smoke pouring from the chimney set my heart full of gratitude for all the wonderful blessings in my life. Tom and Peggy are big hunters, barely having to leave their back yard to make a kill. They're also

hunters in the best way, using every inch of the meat for eating through the winter. They always thank the animal for the abundance it provides and Tom always buries the heart in the place where the animal was taken. Last year, we had venison tenderloin cut right off the deer that was hanging to age on their back porch. This year, Peggy made a venision roast that is probably the best meat I've ever put in my mouth. (Sorry, dad!) This really was the best Thanksgiving as far as the quality and taste of the food that I've had thus far in my life.

I contributed the pecan cheesecake pie shown above, Brussels Sprouts with Apples and Bacon and a big green salad with dried currants, pine nuts, radishes and a homemade balsamic vinagrette. I find if anything is usually missing from a Thanksgiving feast it will be something nice and fresh and green. One of Tom's brothers, Carlo, made some fantastic garlic and herbed mashed potatoes. Peggy roasted sweet potatoes with butter and honey. Tom's mother made a cold green bean salad with beans from their garden and of course, we had turkey, stuffing and cranberry sauce.

I'd like to thank Peggy and Tom and Tom's family for being so gracious in sharing their holiday with me and bringing me in just like a member of the family. Holidays can be difficult for single people far from home, but they are so generous and warm that it keeps me from missing my family and friends in Georgia so much.

Now, the recipes.

Pecan Cheesecake Pie

Ingredients

1/2 (15 oz.) package refrigerated pie crusts

1 (8 oz.) package cream cheese, softened

4 large eggs, divided

3/4 cup sugar divided

2 tsp. vanilla extract, divided

1/4 tsp. salt

1 1/4 cup chopped pecans

1 cup light corn syrup

Fit pie crust into a 9-inch pie plate according to package directions. Fold edges under and crimp. Beat cream cheese, 1 egg, 1/2 cup sugar, 1 tsp. vanilla and salt at medium speed with an electric mixer until smooth. (What did they ever do without electric mixers?) Pour cream cheese mixture into pie crust; sprinkle evenly with chopped pecans. Whisk together corn syrup, remaining 3 eggs, 1/4 cup sugar and 1 tsp. vanilla; pour mixture over pecans. Place pie on a baking sheet and bake at 350 degrees on lowest oven rack 50-55 minutes or until pie is set. Cool on a wire rack 1 hour or until completely cool. Serve immediately or cover and chill up to 2 days. You would never know this pie was so easy it comes out so rich and delicious!

Sauteed Brussels Sprouts with Apples

Ingredients

1 1/2 lb. Brussels sprouts, trimmed

4 bacon slices

1 Braeburn apple, peeled and diced (I have no idea what kind of apple I used as Tom's mother gave me some from their tree. It worked fine.)

2 Tbsp. minced shallots

1 garlic clove, minced

1/4 cup dry white wine (I used a chardonnay - gasp!)

1/4 cup low-sodium fat-free chicken broth

1 tsp. salt

1/2 tsp. pepper

1/4 cup freshly shaved parmesan cheese

Cut Brussels sprouts in half, and cut into shreds. Cook bacon in a large skillet over medium heat 8-10 minutes or until crisp; remove bacon, drain on paper towels, reserving 3 Tbsp. drippings in skillet. Crumble bacon. Saute' apple, shallots and garlic in hot drippings over medium-high heat 3 minutes. Stir in wine and next 3 ingredients, stirring to loosen particles from bottom of skillet. Bring to a boil; reduce heat and simmer 5 minutes. Add Brussels sprouts; saute' 8-10 minutes or until sprouts are crisp-tender. Top with shaved parmesan and crumbled bacon. Serve imediately. (I wasn't able to serve immediately so I kept the bacon and parmesan separate and added after heating the Brussels sprouts in the microwave.) They were great!

Phoenix in a Bottle

"Phoenix in a Bottle" is a book I read recently co-authored by Lilian and Murdoch MacDonald, a couple now residing in Scotland who went through their own personal hell with alcohol. Lilian and Murdoch met in the early '90's at an AA meeting. They had both been attending AA for years with limited success. They married within a year against all the advice of their AA peers. At first it looked as if those peers had been right, for Lilian and Murdoch went on an extended bender, even ending up on the streets of Cambridge, England for a couple of weeks, "sleeping rough" as they called it. Their account of this experience is at once harrowing and heartening. It left no doubt in my mind that they know what they're talking about when it comes to having a problem with alcohol. They write:

By this time we were close to depair. We were freezing, the alcoholic shakes were starting to seriously manifest themselves, and an awful dread was setting in as we realised that we could think of no possible way out of the mess we were in, at least until Monday morning, when we might be able to wring a last few pounds out of the bank. Before then, a whole weekend without anything to drink, nothing to eat, sleeping rough and perishing cold - we couldn't face the thought of walking back to Christ's Pieces for the duvet, even if we had been able to find it again.

They tried AA one last time before deciding that if they were to solve their alcohol problem, they would have to do it together and find a solution that was specific to them.

Thus began a journey of exploring their childhoods and the belief systems that followed them into adulthood. They spent a few months working on this exploration while rebuilding their personal and professional lives. Now, more than ten years later, they are valued and active members of their families, workplaces and society. They drink occasionally with no consequence and are attempting to spread the word that there are many alternatives to the problem of alcoholism without committing to a lifetime of abstinence or a program that may not fit your core values.

Their discussion involves much of what they perceive as myths and superstitions about alcoholism that have been perpetrated on society through the proliferation of the 12-step communities through profit-based treatment programs. They also contend that AA is a quasi-religious cult based upon the contemporary medical orthodoxy of the time and the involvement of both founders with the evangelical doctrine of the Oxford Groups of the early 1930's, from which Bill Wilson, co-founder of AA, took much material for the 12 steps. Another quote from their book:

Frankly, the whole thing is total nonsense. What it all boils down to in essence is that they are saying that alcoholism is a progressive, incurable and fatal illness or disease of mind and body. That's the bad news, right? But the good news is that you can get continuing remission on a daily basis, by turning your will and your life over to the care of God (as you understand him), confessing your sins, making amends for them, and living the rest of your life in accordance with His will (not yours) and carrying the message to others.

These ideas, although a strange mixture of contemporary medical ignorance and evangelical Christianity, at least reflected the current thinking of the time in these two fields. However, instead of changing, developing and progressing over the years, this philosophy became fixed, to the extent that barely a dot or comma was allowed to be changed in the AA bible, the so-called Big Book, at it moved from one edition to the next.

I've been in touch with Lilian and Murdoch personally and I can assure you these are two sincere, honest and brave people. They are not out for personal gain, but only wish to help others who find themselves in a similar boat.

As for me, I hope this post will be met in the same spirit in which it is written - as an open and frank discussion into the many avenues recovery can take, and the many definitions of recovery an individual can claim for themselves.

I have added a link to their website, "Alcoholics Can Drink Safely Again" to the websites on the left hand side of the blog. I will link directly to their book as soon as I can figure out how to do that through Amazon UK.

Gypsy Soup

I figured it was about time to post another recipe and this is one of the best fall soups I've ever had.

I discovered it when my friend Claudia aka The Practical Vampire Slayer gave me some last fall. She got it from Jennifer Graf Groneberg, our friend and fellow writer who's book, Road Map to Holland, about her first two years with her son, Avery, who has Down Syndrome, will be out this spring. Let me tell you something about both of these women, they can write and cook!

Here's the recipe:

3 T olive oil

2 cups chopped onion

2 cloves garlic, crushed

1 cup peeled and diced sweet potato

1 cup peeled and diced squash such as butternut, acorn or turkish hat

1 can diced tomatoes with juice

3/4 cup chopped sweet peppers (red, green or yellow) or substitute a handful of chopped kale or spinach (I used kale)

1 can garbanzo beans, drained

3 cups chicken broth or vegetable stock

1 tsp. paprika (I used curry)

1 tsp. tumeric

1 tsp. basil (I used tarragon)

1 tsp. salt

1/4 tsp. cinnamon

1/4 tsp. cayenne pepper

1 T tamara soy sauce

In a large pot, saute the onions, garlic, potatoes and squash in the olive oil. Add all seasonings (except stock and tamari). Cover and let simmer for 15 minutes to bring out the flavor of the spices. You won't believe how good this smells! Add remaining ingredients, turn up the heat and bring to a boil, then cover and simmer until vegetables are tender.

This serves 4 (although it looks like more to me!) and it's even better the next day. This soup is an incredible immune booster. The onion, garlic, cayenne and cinnamon are excellent at fighting off autumn colds. I can also imagine throwing in that turkey on Friday for a totally different leftover taste. And, I mean, you just gotta love that name - gypsy soup.

Enjoy!

Happy Kid

This is crazy

This is the view from my front door. I've been here in Montana almost five years and every year until this one, it has snowed by now. As a matter of fact it has always snowed by Halloween.

For a southern girl who always dreamed of a white christmas, it has been like being a kid in a candy store. I eagerly await the first fluffy flakes, get in the kitchen and make comfort food and settle in with my down throw, my kitties and George Clooney or Brad Pitt.

I moved here in November of 2002, and it was cold that year. However, I traveled back to Georgia in April of 2003 and I couldn't get warm to save my life! It was the coldest I had been since I moved.

It's probably almost 60-degrees outside right now. I'm not complaining, but it's just weird. The almanac says this is to be one of the coldest, snowiest, frozenest years on record. But so far it's just been mild. Ya'll remind me of this when I'm bitching about shoveling the sidewalk!

TagNation - 7 Random Things

The fabulous Mr. Eaton over at Country Don't Mean Dumb tagged me to write 7 Randon Things About Myself. These are the rules:

1. Link to the person’s blog who tagged you.

2. Post these rules on your blog.

3. List seven random and/or weird facts about yourself.

4. Tag seven random [?] people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs.

5. Let each person know that they have been tagged by posting a comment on their blog.

And so, without further ado, here are my seven random things:

1. In 1991, I won a trip to Rio de Janeiro. I took my first cousin, Carla, who is the same age as me. While there, I had an affair with a hot Italian guy who couldn't speak a word of English. It was perfect.

2. I would find it difficult to live without my morning coffee and cigarette "meditation." Organic African coffee, one sugar and real 1/2 and 1/2. American Spirit menthol.

3. I won an award from the Optimist Club when I was in 7th Grade for writing an essay titled "Why I Love America" or something dorky like that. In it, I blasted Mr. Nixon.

4. I am a cynical romantic.

5. I think cats are the coolest critters on the planet.

6. I am a Scorpio sun, Capricorn moon, Libra rising mumble-jumble of contradictions, paradoxes, inconsistencies, and abnormalities that add up to one crazy-ass, but mostly fun woman.

7. I'm doing "undercover" work for Eric Frances at Planet Waves.

I feel it only fair to admit that I perjured the term "TagNation" from Mr. Eaton. Here are my seven taggees (that one's mine):

1. Olivia

2. Sherri

3. Bruce

4. Kickin Tina

5. Kelly

6. Carla

7. And saving the best for last - Miss Annie

Wellness Wednesday - Beliefs

I met with the woman who's going to guide me through the process I mentioned in a previous post on Monday night. We spent three hours examining the beliefs that I've carried into my adult life, unexamined, from growing up in the south and in my family of origin. Some of them seemed really silly for me to even write. I felt like I'd left them long behind, but the truth is that when we began discussing them and how they'd manifested in my life, I began to realize I only thought I'd left them behind. Just to give you an idea, here are a few of the ones I listed:

Women are neurotic and hard to manage.

Money is scarce.

People are not to be trusted unless they're a member of the family or a person in authority - a doctor, judge, lawyer or the president, etc. Those people are to be trusted implicitly and with no questioning.

Your needs are not important, as a matter of fact you really don't have any.

Squash the symptom.

I had 33 of these written down and I'm sure I've barely scratched the surface. A couple of amazing things happened for me. The first was that as we were discussing these things I literally felt movement start up in my first chakra, the chakra of survival instincts, grounding and our connection to our bodies and the physical plane. It felt as though speaking these beliefs, letting them out, literally freed up energy that had been stuck there.

The second thing that happened is that I began to notice patterns. Patterns in the beliefs and correlations in patterns to the experiences I've had in my life. I believe this is what the 4th Step in AA is intended to do, but I never found the patterns by examaning my resentments, fears or sexual conduct. Obviously, other people do, but I didn't.

I was literally exhausted when I got home. I think this is going to be a profound healing process and will contribute to my overall wellness in ways I can only imagine. Thank you for sharing this journey with me.

What We Resist

Persists. I woke up this morning with a cloud of sadness and loss hanging over me. So I considered my options. I could try and ignore it which was tempting. I can be pretty good at that sometimes. Or I could work my way out of it - pretty good at that one, too. But I've learned that this axiom is true for me, what I resist, persists. So I dove into it, cried, felt the sadness, felt the loss and then I do what works really well for me - I connected. I talked to several friends and one of my sisters on the phone. I called to invite Roberta for a walk. I did a little cleaning and a lot of reading and now, as dark falls on my little sacred spot, I am okay. Not great, just okay and that's good enough for right now. I've experienced these "emotional hangovers" a lot in my life and I'm pretty sure they're not going to kill me. Slowly and painstakingly I am learning to embrace what comes my way and try not to label it good or bad, but just let it be. Some days, though, the process of becoming more conscious is just a bitch.

Looking forward to checking on everyone else's Sacred Sunday posts. Even though mine didn't especially feel that way, I know it has been a Sacred Sunday.

Om Namah Shivaya Gurave

I thought I would answer Annie's (one of the most brave women I know by the way) last post, here, so everyone can read it. Because it's very important. She asked what the first written lines on the top of the chalkboard were, from my yoga class. They are, as above, and so below:

Om Namah Shivaya Gurave

The first line of the mantra/chant that we sing at the beginning of each Anusaraya Yoga class. The entire chant and its translation breaks down as follows:

Om Namah Shivaya Gurave: I offer myself to Lord Shiva,the Auspiscious One, who is the true teacher Within and Without.

Saccidananda Murtaye: Who Assumes the forms of Reality, Consciousness and Bliss.

Nishprapanchaya Shantaya: Who is never absent and is full of peace.

Niralambaya Tejase: Independent existence, the vital essence of illumination.

I don't know what it is about this chant but it infuses my entire body with a sense of well being. Even though I rarely take the time to translate the words in my mind, the effect is still present. I frequently find msyelf driving down the road chanting, "Om Namah Shivaya Gurave" just because it makes me feel good!

I'm doing chakra work with Rainbow Dreams as well as with my new guru and it seems like this chant opens up each of the seven energy centers. It's all about the flow, or non-flow, of energy. That's why my yoga mat investment was so important to me. It is an investment in MY LIFE.

And each of you reading here add to the blessing of that life. And so to you: Namste', which breaks down to "I see and acknowledge the light in you."

Wellness Wednesday - Yoga

OK, I have to admit, I was meandering through all the posts and comments of the last few days - trying to let it all sink in - and I realized, Holy Cow!, it's Wellness Wednesday! And I'm part of that.

I haven't written much about my yoga practice, but it's an important part of my wellness program. We have the most incredible teacher here in Polson. Debra believes in adhering to the spriritual principles of yoga as well as the physical. So we always have a teaching up on the board and we always chant to begin and end each practice.

Although my budget has been diminished dramatically in recent weeks, I made the decision to purchase a 5-class package and a new mat (Kisster chewed up the old one) while I still had one full paycheck coming. I feel this was an investment in my wellness over the coming weeks. The more time I spend on my mat (and you gotta have one to spend time on it), the more I will be contributing to my overall mental and physical health. I could've gone to Wal-Mart and bought a cheap mat, but I chose to really invest in my yoga practice. It's something I love, something I'm committed to, and something that is a real benefit to my life. So, I bought the "Transformer Mat" and absolutely pranayama'd into the investment.

Besides the physical, spiritual and mental benefits of yoga, it's also a chance to connect with other people of like mind. When I went Monday, after having been away for several weeks, I was greeted with so much love and welcome, that it nearly brought tears to my eyes. Then Debra started working us and all I could think of was the practice.

My Own Path

This is from my meditation book for today, November 6:

I am on my own, individualized path through life. I am unique. I am not in a position to judge another person nor should I take others' judgments of me too much to heart. There have been so many tiny variables that have gone into shaping who I am - my path has been my own and all those around me have a path that is their own. I cannot really judge another person because I could not possibly have enough information to truly see the whole story, to understand in full and fair measure just what has gone into making that person tick. It is difficult enough to understand myself. Why do I feel I am capable of judging another fairly?

I honor my own unique experience.

The six tips of a single snowflake . . . feel the same temperatures, and because the laws of growth are purely deterministic, they maintain a near-perfect symmetry. But the nature of turbulent air is such that any pair of snowflakes will experience very different paths. The final flake records the history of all the changing weather conditions it has experienced, and the combinations may well be infinite.
James Gleick

I'm pretty sure this book has mystical powers. :)

Well, wasn't that fun?

As many of you who write your own blog know - a blog tends to be an organic process. While we have some general idea what we will write about when we start blogging, we may get sidetracked, or become interested in something else, or have significant life changes that send the blog in a different direction or just leave it hanging around the blogosphere like a lost child. This is my second blog; the first was about being single in a small town and the alternatively hilarious and horrifying events that came about due to that fact. Because being single gradually became something I embraced instead of something I wanted to change, and because I wanted my life to move in a different direction, I stopped writing that blog. Funny thing - no married men have hit on me since then.

When I began this blog I wanted to offer a different way to look at recovery. Because AA wasn't working for me and because I had long believed there were other valid and workable ways to do recovery, I wanted to share my process of exploring some of those ways. Also, the blog was/is a tool for me to sit down at the computer and write. . . my thoughts, my experiences, my beliefs. In that process, something magical always seems to happen. I tend to dive into things headfirst so I never stopped to think about the consequences of drinking while writing a recovery blog. Then I found myself in that very situation and it was a dilemma. I handled it the best way I could figure out.

If you've been following the comments you know that this has become a very public forum for some people (and I don't even know who some of them are) to express their displeasure with me. It has been very hurtful and I'm reeling from it, much more than I am from the last drink I took. For those of you who have been frequent readers and contributors, I'd like to apologize for the nastiness that has ensued.

I'm at a loss as to what to do now. I intended to write a post about the beautiful day I had - my first shortened work week. I went to yoga, had lunch with a dear friend and dinner with another, but the wind has been sucked right out of my sails tonight. Tonight I'm tired of trying to be spiritual and I'm tired of being nice and I'm sick and damned tired of people who think they know my heart.

To Ben, who assured me he wrote an "approving" post, albeit anonymously, I'd like to say not only do I not need your approval anymore, I no longer want it. Go feed off someone else.

To Whatalife I'd like to say, unless you feel like saying who you really are, go play somewhere else please.

To the rest of you I'd like to say, this won't get me down for long. I've been wanting to start a new blog about the business and entrepreneurship in general and I'm not sure I can keep up with both. Maybe it's time for this one to die a not so peaceful death.

Courage of My Convictions

This is Manjusri, the Bodhiisattva with the Sword of Discriminating Wisdom. She sits on my mantel and I will be invoking her presence and guidance often in the coming weeks.

I know a woman who is healed of alcoholism. She once identified as an alcoholic and spent many years in AA. She no longer has an alcohol problem. She drinks on occasion and it does not affect her life either negatively or positively. She once told me that if I really wanted to recover from the problem to let her know. So I did.

I am beginning a process with her similar in some ways to the 4th Step in Alcoholics Anonymous which states: "We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves." I will be starting by examining all the beliefs of my southern culture, the tribe I was born to. All the beliefs - whether I feel they personally affect me or not. I will meet with her on a weekly basis to do energy work and begin to explore how these beliefs have manifested in my life.

One belief I hold that is not of my culture is that people can recover from alcoholism without abstaining forever. I'm sure this is why I've had ongoing issues with relapse. I have the belief, but have not had the courage of my convictions or the intent to make that my goal. I tried to remain in the prevailing paradigm because it's so fixed in our society. But it is incogruent with my belief. She did not ask me to commit to remaining sober through this process, but I have made that commitment to myself. I don't see how it will work otherwise. I have no idea how long it will take or what else will be involved, but I'm in for the long haul.

I have some fear and trepidation, but this feels so much more sincere to me than anything I've done in decades around this issue that I know I will walk through it. I will, of course, be letting you know how it goes.

As any of you with your own blog know, a blog tends to be an organic process. When we begin we may have a general idea what we will write about but we may get sidetracked, or become interested in something else, or have significant life changes that send the blog in a different direction. It may even end up hanging around the blogosphere like a lost child, alone and forgotten. This is my second blog; the first was about being single in a small town and the alternatively hilarious and horrifying events that came about due to that fact. Being single - anywhere - gradually became something I embraced instead of something I wanted to change and I stopped writing on that blog. And it's been a funny thing - no married men have hit on me since then. I have to wonder if my intent to stop focusing on that area of my life was instrumental in that development.



When I began this blog I wanted to offer a different look at recovery. Because AA didn't work for me and because I had long believed there were other valid and workable ways to do recovery, I wanted to share my process of exploring some of those ways. I tend to do things headfirst, diving in and thinking later. So when I began the blog I never stopped to think about the consequences of drinking while writing a recovery blog. Then, I found myself in that very situation. And it was a dilemma. I handled it the best way I could figure out.



One morning I received an e-mail from someone who implied that I sort of managed this whole thing on purpose. The implication, or accusation, was that in not exposing certain facts about my life, I was still being dishonest and that my behavior was approval-seeking at best and outright deceptive at worst. I know they say the road to hell is paved with good intentions, and I believe it. But, still, that was not my intention. Like, I'm not really that smart.



The e-mail did give me pause and gave me yet another opportunity to look at recovery, what I think it is, what I want it to be and what I believe is true about it.



I've known several to many people in my life who have identified themselves as alcoholic at one time or another. They may or may not have stopped drinking for a period of time. But, eventually they were able to moderate their drinking and move forward from identificaiton with the paradigm of alcoholic or addict, or they never became identified with it in the first place. I believe this is possible. I think it's probably possible for me. Maybe that's why every time I stay sober a few months, I drink again. Sometimes I over-drink and sometimes I don't. Fifteen months ago I kicked a fifteen year addiction to ativan, a benzodiazepam that greatly enhances the effects of alcohol. Since then, each time I've succumbed to the temptation to drink, I've drank less and had fewer repurcussions. Does this mean I'm in denial again? Does this mean I'm just biding my time until alcohol once again takes over my life? Or does it mean that I've made significant changes in my attitude and behavior and other changes are following on the heals of it? I don't know.



I don't expect it to be linear, or neat, or pretty, because not much about my life ever has been. But, since I hold the belief that it's possible to break an addiction without abstaining forever, it's highly unlikely that any recovery program will work for me and by attempting to write a recovery blog, or be in recovery, I'm wasting my time and yours.

Halloween is for Kids

Aren't they cute? These are the two sons of one of Roberta's co-workers and a friend/colleague of mine. Halloween was my favorite holiday as a kid and this time of year remains my favorite as an adult. I've read a lot about pagan tradition and find myself deeply attracted to the festivities and holy days of the Old Religion. The holy days fall on the soltices, equinoxes and cross-quarter days between these events - all related to the placement of the sun and moon and the changing of seasons. My interest in astrology ties into this quite nicely and my use of ritual has developed from both interests.

My friend, Eric Frances, over at Planet Waves has this to say about this time of year:

"THESE NIGHTS of mid-Scorpio are when the veil between the worlds is the thinnest. They are the Days of the Dead: All Saints' Day, All Souls' Day, Dia de los Muertos, and Dia de los Angelitos; with special days designated to honor the unbaptized, small children, those who died violently, and of course, our ancestors. When our world is closest to the astral world, these souls can come visit; and we can visit them, honoring our predecessors in our hearts, and also with a simple ritual such as bringing gifts to a cemetery. In American culture, we call the whole business Halloween. That is an adaptation of Samhain, the high sabbat of the witch's calendar. This is related to Beltane in May -- the holiday of abundance, sex and passion."

Planet Waves is where my favorite blogger, Judith Gayle, resides, and if you want a taste of her, click here.

I've plugged these guys before and I'm plugging them now because it's possible I may be working with them in the near future. My only problem at the moment seems to be that I have so many possibilities to choose from, I may let an important one slip by. Let's hope not.

SLIP - Sobriety Loses Its Place

I broke my sobriety over the weekend. I wonder why I do this to myself when I know I'm better off without drinking. I suppose the final truth is that sometimes I still want to drink and while most often I find the strength not to, there are times when I give in. I won't dwell on it, but since this is a recovery blog, I'm compelled to honesty.

On another subject, my employer cut everyone's pay by 20% yesterday. With it, our hours are also cut so I'll be working a 4-day week starting next week. The paycut will be a burden, but I can tighten my belt and get through it. I'm actually glad for the extra day. I can attend a yoga class and I'll have more time for the new business so I'm looking on the bright side.

A week ago I was thriving, now I feel like I'm just getting through. Life. Choices. Time to surrender.

Anatomy of a Friendship

Just looking at this picture makes me happy. When I first moved to Montana I was ill prepared for the amount of energy it would take to make new friends. I had lived in Georgia for most of my life, surrounded by people I'd known since childhood and immersed in a culture that would invite the Unibomber in and make sure he had a full belly before he left. Southern hospitality is not a myth and I'm sure I had that "deer in the headlights" look for a couple of years when my sincere attempts at friendship were met with the innate distrust that most Montanans feel for outsiders.

I met Roberta at a yoga class. I was suffering from life at the time, having not yet taken the first of the Four Noble Truths to heart: Life is suffering. I sensed the possiblity of a friendship with Roberta, but had no real premonition of how important that friendship would become or how deeply it would penetrate my heart. Our relationship has been a slow affair, building upon our mutual interest in meditation, the dharma, truth and beauty.

Roberta had just moved back to Montana after spending many years in spiritual community on the East Coast studying under Joseph Goldstein. I'm reminded of the saying that when the student is ready, the teacher appears. That Roberta can maintain the delicate balance of teacher and friend is just one of her many gifts.

Two years ago I moved onto the same street as Roberta. It was purely accidental - if you believe in tremendously auspicious accidents. The summer of 2006 I drank the evenings away and became deeply involved in my own sad story. Roberta never wavered in her unconditional love or her detachment from said story. She would only be involved with me. The me under all the crap that I had accumulated, the me with no stories, the true me. As I observed her integrity and profound love, I, too, began to detach from what was unimportant.

In the years since moving to Montana, I've developed many, many sacred friendships. But the first one remains special. In case you don't recognize her, that vampire on last night's post is Roberta. Did I mention she's tremendous fun?? We dressed up as vampires and went to see the local theatre's performance of Dracula last night. We could've been two 10-year olds playing with mom's makeup we had so much fun.

Sometimes I'm quite sure I'm the luckiest person on the planet.

Keep Your Children Inside

And locked up. Vampires are afoot.

Miss Priss aka Kisster

This one, on the other hand, just sits around looking pretty most of the time.

Just for Fun

One of Angela's housemates helps out with the laundry!

Oh baby, it takes a village

Figured I'd get my Wellness Wednesday post done early today. I want to talk about the importance of community in sobriety and in life. I'm so mindful lately of the village that surrounds me, supports me and helps me persist in creating the life I want to create. I'm a participant in a number of communities, both formal and informal. My formal communities include a yoga community, business communities, an artist's community, the AA community, a writer's community, the LSR community, and now a blogging community. All of these are important to me, but it's the informal community that I've created around myself that really sustains and supports me, that keeps me going when I don't feel like it anymore and that I fall back on again and again for inspiration and love. My informal community consists of a handful of people that I connect with on a deep level, that I can speak with about anything and that share a commitment to the same values that I hold dear. It consists of an ex-lover, a neighbor/spiritual mentor/friend/buddy, a couple of AA women and my family. I keep these people tightly woven around me so I don't fall too hard.

I especially want to speak about the AA community I'm involved with because it's probably the most difficult for me. Now, many in AA will argue with you 'til the cows come home that it's not Christian-based, it's not fundamental, dogmatic or rigid. I disagree on all points. I've been around it and around it and I've even wanted to change my mind about it, but it hasn't happened. Here's the thing, though. It's the only sober-based face to face community available. Which brings me to one of my favorite subjects: choice. It's sad to me that there aren't more choices. It's sad to me that people go to AA and if it doesn't work for them, they often leave feeling there's something wrong with them. It's sad to me that the majority of people who use AA to good advantage also believe there's something wrong with those people, that they're either not "working the program" or they're "constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves". I've built up a strong backbone for sticking to my own beliefs, but the peer pressure in AA is as intense as any I've ever seen and most people that go there for the first time are in an extremely weak and vulnerable state. The saddest part, and one I know from first hand experience? People will go back and go back and go back and try it again and again, because it's the only thing out there. I would like to propose, if you're one of those people, that you go if you want to, take what you need and leave the rest. That's one of the principles too, you know. Use it.

I really didn't intend to go there when I first began this post, but I must've needed to. My primary point is that village, community, whatever you want to call it, is one of the finest things in my life. I'm really, really glad it takes a village. Thanks for being part of mine.

The Soul's Companion

This is my much loved and well worn daily meditation book. I can always count on the readings to remind me of the sacredness of life . . . my life. From yesterday's reading:

Time and Space

I will look beyond time and space into the infinite nature of the Universe, into soul. What I see around me is not all there is to this world. Call me crazy, but I see more. I trust my eyes and I trust my heart. What I see with my mind and my heart are just as real for me as what I see with my eyes. Reality is multi-layered. When I am still and quiet it unfolds itself to me. Its wisdom and meaing seep effortlessly into my pores. I come to understand truth and soul because I sense its presence within me. I am a part of this divine mystery of life. I am indivisible with the whole, a cog in an ever-turning wheel of time, beyond which lies eternity, more life, more me, more it.

I see beyond space and time.

The influence of the senses has in most men overpowered the mind to that degree that the walls of time and space have come to look real and insurmountable; and to speak with levity of these limits is, in this world, the sign of insanity. Yet time and space are but inverse measures of the force of the soul." Ralph Waldo Emerson

Gotta love Mr. Emerson

Meditation

Meditation has been an important part of my sobriety and spiritual practice for a long time. I remember the first time I went to a group meditation session - I thought I was going to jump out of my skin before it was over!

But I persevered, and gradually came to embrace the time to quiet my mind and sit with no distractions, no reaching or grabbing, no needing to have. I've read many, many books on meditation that I've found helpful. I think "Emotional Alchemy" by Tara Bennett-Goleman was one of the most profound reads for me on using meditation as a way to heal emotional wounds. Also, "Coming to Our Senses" by Jon Kabat-Zinn was a powerful book about the importance of mindfulness in creating a life of peace and joy. I've come to believe that learning to detach from my mind and all it's silly games is of real importance in gaining perspective on life and god(dess)and what the heck we're doing here. As long as I'm trapped in dualistic thinking, not realizing there is a way out of it, I'm probably not going to be very free or happy in this life. Once I got a taste of separating from me, and connecting with everything, I was hooked. So, this is my Wellness Wednesday post, on Thursday. I try, people.

Success and Abundance

I had so much fun creating this vision board. I initially wanted to put my intention for the success of my business into the board and I did that, but it turned into a lot more than that before it was done. As I perused magazines for pictures, words and ideas that had meaning for me, a process happened that I wasn't expecting. I believe this is a powerful tool for getting in touch with the subconscious because it was only when I finished that I became of aware of why I chose some of the things I did. I of course want my business to be successful for me and the artists I'm working with, but I began to realize that I define success and abundance in my own way. Those little tags at the top of the board all say, "Yes". I got those out of a Lucky magazine (my magazine addiction finally came in handy by the way!) and I outlined the board with them as my way of saying "Yes!" to all the wonderful beauty and abundance in the Universe. "Yes! Yes!" and "Yes!" again. The "Openarms" is another way of my saying to creation, "Bring it on. I'm ready."I also included words like, "great, easy and simple" because I'm realizing that things just don't have to be so damned hard all the time. I have a lot of power over how simple or complicated I make my life and here is me saying to me, "Keep it simple, stupid." I found myself really attracted to pictures of beautiful, nourishing food and included that because eating well and healthy and thankfully is such an integral part of my life. I also found myself cutting photos of nice shoes, boots and slippers and I wondered about that for awhile. I'm really not much of a shoe junkie. Then I realized that I've laid a foundation for this part of my life. I've worked hard to be at a place where I feel energized and excited and so happy to be alive. So all the little shoes are in honor of that. And clocks. There are two on there. I'm aware of the passing of time in a profound way these days. I'm not trying to hold onto it, but I honor it. In this life, it's not unlimited. I included Paul Newman and JoAnne Woodward because they're a couple of my heroes. Actually I think Paul Newman is about my favorite person on the planet.

Of course I included lots of things just because I like them and think they're beautiful. Fall leaves, pumpkins, diamonds, flowers. And you know what I realized when I was done? I realized that not only was I putting an intention out to create success and abundance, I have already created it. Success is a feeling and it's the feeling I have now. I've taken an idea, a project, and I've run with it and am making it happen. That is success. I'm sitting here with my sweet kitty in my lap, with a full belly and a world full of friends and loved ones. That is abundance.

Oh yeah, and I included that big "big" 'cause I don't know about you, but I'm kinda tired of thinking small.

Also, I'm thinking this can be a great recovery tool as well. Creating a board that symbolizes all the things we want for our sober lives.

I wish you all great and endless success and abundance.

Visionboard

More tomorrow. Happy Sunday.

All Natural Cure for Restless Legs Syndrome

I don't know when I've been so glad to get home, get in my fleece and get comfortable. My sleep has been poor lately, interrupted by a sore shoulder, the lovely and ever-soaking menopausal night sweats and a headful of information on starting a new business. But one thing that won't be keeping me up tonight is RLS, Restless Legs Syndrome. This particularly nasty little syndrome will let you get nice and relaxed before causing your legs to begin thrusting like a junkie's coming off smack (or so I've heard). I suffered with RLS for a few years, trying mutliple remedies that seemed to help, but never quite got rid of it. I tried hoemopathic remedies, supplements, exercise and acupuncture. I remember hearing about the new pharmaceutical, Requip, that could help provide relief, but the price was a possible problem with gambling and sex addiction. Thanks anyway. Then a friend of mine, The Practical Vampire Slayer as a matter of fact, (she has an excellent new post up by the way) told me how she had cured hers with a liquid calcium supplement. I was pretty skeptical at this point, but the RLS had become so bothersome that I really would try anything I hadn't already, except the Requip. After a week of night-time doses of Nature's Life liquid calcium, magnesium & phosphorous liquid, my RLS disappeared. Since then, 2-3 doses a week seems to do the trick to keep away the jittery legs.

One thing I really love about the blogging community is the free and reciprocal sharing of information. When I originally began this blog, I wanted to focus partly on some of the physical problems that tend to plague people, especially women, in recovery and treatments I've found helpful. I got a little sidetracked and then my new blogging friend, the lovely Elena of Lunar Musings started the Wellness Wednesday project and provided me the perfect opportunity to get back on track.

I can't guarantee this cure for you, but it worked for the PVS and it worked for me. If you're having a problem with RLS, I hope it works for you, too.