Concrete Suggestions

This was left in the comments on my last post:



What are you doing to stay sober? Your blog heading mentions new ideas for successful recovery, but I wonder what you are doing. I can barely find my way around a computer so blogging certainly isn't an option for me. What about blogging assures recovery? I guess treatment and halfway houses can limit the access to drugs, but I spent a year in jail and got high every day so I don't think incarceration equals sobriety either. I'd like some concrete suggestions if you have them.


Addiction is such a complex illness. I wish I could offer a magic bullet - that one or two or 12 things you could do to ensure your sobriety, but I can't. I have one concrete suggestion: don't drink or use . . . no matter what. If you're attempting abstinence and you do drink or use or find that you can't not use, try again. If you fail again, try again. Remember that in between failing you are succeeding.

While you're doing that, seek out communities (there are lots of links on my blog and on the other blogs I link to) where you can get good support for your efforts. There are many and the numbers and varities of groups are growing by the day. Do what you can to improve your health by good old fashioned exercise and good nutrition, laughing, getting out in the sunshine and doing anything that you truly enjoy doing - without using or drinking. Begin to explore yourself. There's a person inside you who wants to be clean and sober. Befriend him or her. Discover what makes them happy and go for it.

Do it for yourself. You're worth it.

Wolf Moon in Leo

Tonight is the both the first and the largest full moon of 2010. Called the wolf moon by Native Americans because the wolves howled their lonely song to it on cold winter nights in the Rocky Mountains. Wolves. Full moons. Rocky Mountains. It doesn't get much better than that.

I'm visiting Lakeside by way of Polson where I met up with a handsome kitty cat and got some good feline loving. I'm going to visit some friends and leave for Butte again on Sunday.

I was looking at the new moon intentions I wrote two weeks ago and the only one I didn't follow through on was blogging daily and there was nothing I could do about that. My internet connection at the 1/2-way house went down last Friday and hasn't come back yet. I'm trying to figure out a way to make sure I can always get hooked up to the net. I do so much of my life on-line now: a lot of my sobriety support, my blogging (which is also sobriety support), banking, staying in contact with family and friends. It really messes me up when I can't get on the web for long periods of time. I'm at the library in Kalispell now, but it's not the same as sitting with my own computer, a cup of coffee and my own time in which to browse, check your blogs, read Planet Waves, answer e-mail, etc.

As for my other intentions: I am still sober (approaching 90 days); I do believe; I am imagining the rest of my life; I am exploring education and career opportunities but have nothing to report yet and despite still being homeless and jobless, all in all, I'm feeling pretty good about things. Because it's not about things, is it? It's about people and friendship and love and support and faith. Hell, I'm rich.

I'd like to send out some special love to Claudia Cunningham, author; Julie Wenner, Alley Grazer; Miss R, one freakin' incredible human being, and Chani, another one of those. These women, along with my family and many, many others just make me want to be a better person. Thanks, ladies.

Our Lady

Hello Blogosphere

Wireless has been down at the "shelter" all weekend so I walked in flaky, fluffy new snow to the local art/coffee shop to get connected. I have to say that Butte, America is beginning to grow on me. I watched a documentary on the copper mines and all the incredible history that has happened here and I'm seeing the place with new eyes. The "richest hill on earth" has seen its share of controversy, corporate greed (which is a Montana theme unfortunately) and violence. But what stood out to me most in the documentary was the community of miners and their families; how the people took care of each other through strikes that lasted for months going on years and how when the mines no longer provided support, the community banded together and did this: Our Lady of the Rockies. For no pay I might add. You know I love having her watching over me. I've never been all that attracted to the more christianized forms of the goddess, but I'll take what's available. I'm learning to love where I am, who I'm with, and the manifestations of the divine as they present themselves to me.

I also watched another documentary on Marija Gumbitas, an archaeologist who had the cajones and the brains to flip the archaeological world on its ear with her ideas about Old Europe and the religion they practiced. Of course, it looks like a no-brainer when you watch the documentary, but apparently the academia still doesn't accept a lot of her theories. What a brilliant woman. I think people won't accept it because they literally cannot imagine a time when there was peace, harmony and cooperation among humans. As for me, it gives me hope. If we did it once, we can do it again. And what beautiful art they did. I envision future humans millenia from now discovering Carla Sander's art and concluding that there were indeed some civilized people that lived during our era.

Did I mention I'm considering school? Addictions counseling and/or graphic design. Wish me luck on the financing.

Much, much love.

What Matters

Much to my surprise, I'm enjoying the living situation I now find myself in. True, my private space consists of a 10' x 8' cubicle, but hey, who's measuring? I have plenty of private time and what seems even more important, plenty of community time if I want it. Meals are taken in a community dining room, residents share the dinner cooking, there's a recreation room with workout equipment (and my yoga mat) and usually a good movie with good company in the evenings. It makes me wonder why we all feel as if we have to live alone or with one other person if we don't end up with a traditional family unit. It makes me want to create recovery communities where people can live and contribute and be supportive of each other and their local economy, grow organic food, provide a needed service to the community (yes, I have one in mind). And have their pets, of course. I do miss that kitty of mine.

Now, if Ted Turner would just pop in and provide the capital, I'd have it made, wouldn't I?

I have a couple of jobs at the moment and they are to keep my eye and heart on what matters, which is my sobriety, and to nurture the vision that I have for myself and for how I might begin to make a difference in this crazy fucked up world. As is evident from earthquakes in Haiti to our new Senator in Massachusetts, things are getting worse. People don't know where to turn or what to do and I figure it's the whack jobs like me and you who will come in and save the day. Maybe that's why they thought I had a problem with "grandiosity" in treatment, huh? Oh well, I won't let them take my dreams.

Sweet ones to all of you.

Quote from Kahlil Gibran

One may not reach the dawn save by the path of the night.

PAWS - It's not your kitty's foot

Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome is the period of time after acute withdrawal from alcohol or drugs. Acute withdrawal occurs within 3-10 days while post acute withdrawal can last anywhere from 3 months to 2 years and some forms may even cause permanent, if intermittent, symptoms.

Terrence Gorski was the first to coin the term and identity the syndrome. Mr. Gorski is a pioneer in the field of addiction and especially relapse prevention. Studies now show that it takes a minimum of one year for the brain to heal from addiction and often much longer.

The symptoms of post acute withdrawal can include any or all of the following:

Inability to think clearly which includes an inability to concentrate, an inability to solve problems and rigid, repetitive thinking.

Memory problems.

Emotional overreaction or numbness.

Sleep disturbances.

Difficulty in managing stress and day-to-day life circumstances.

Depression.

Anxiety.

The major challenge for a person newly recovering is discovering how many of these symptoms will go away with continued abstinence and how many may be due to co-occurring disorders such as anxiety and depression.

The amount of stress encountered in early sobriety directly affects how severe a person’s symptoms will be. That’s why it’s so important in the first couple of years of sobriety to keep stress levels at a minimum and do everything we can to take good care of ourselves – mentally and physically. This is also why it’s advised to stay away from certain people, places and things in early recovery and why it helps so much to be around people who understand addiction and recovery from it.

When I got sober in 1988, PAWS was not known about, but I certainly suffered from it and would’ve been helped at the time by a better understanding of what was happening with me. For the first two years of my sobriety I had all of the above symptoms and most of the time felt like I was going nuts. At two years, I finally sought help for what had become debilitating depression and anxiety and was placed on medication that, along with continued abstinence, brought a lot of relief.

I’ve come to believe that my history of chronic relapse has been in great part due to untreated PAWS and I’m grateful for the work that Mr. Gorski has done in this field.

Now that we know what it is, how do we deal with it? Not surprisingly, the things that help PAWS are those same good lifestyle habits that reinforce sobriety and a life worth living. They include:

Good nutrition.

Exercise.

Relaxation.

Interpersonal coping skills.

Talking it out – therapy or group support.

Writing it out – journaling.

If the symptoms make it extremely difficult to maintain sobriety or to maintain a normal daily life, medication may be necessary and you should, of course, consult with an addiction professional.

It’s fortunate that we now know the biological causes of post acute withdrawal and don’t have to be strapped with labels like “dry drunk”. I believe my PAWS was worsened by the guilt I felt that I wasn’t working the program properly, that my character defects were unchecked and that I didn’t have enough conscious contact with my higher power. The truth is, guilt on top of PAWS will only exacerbate the problem.

Today I know that my daily program must include good nutrition, exercise and relaxation and that I should try and keep my stress levels to a minimum. Next I’m going to write about the Relapse Cycle as Terrence Gorski describes it and talk about how I think PAWS kept me going through that damned thing over and over again.

PAWS tomorrow

I'm not going to have time to write about PAWS today and give it the space it needs so I'll save it for tomorrow.

Life in the halfway house is developing a rhythm and it's a slow, soothing kind of rhythm. The weekend has been quiet with lots of time to read, journal and reflect; to study the astrology and the cards; to be with the silence.

I read "The Biology of Belief" by Bruce Lipton and while a lot of it was over my head I get the gist of it. I've read Candace Pert and Gregg Braden and they're all coming up with the same thing: science and spirit are finding their way back to each other, and we're all going to be the better for it. Kind of crazy we ever had to separate them, but that's just how the cookie crumbles as they say. Bruce coined a new term which I love: Survival of the Most Loving. That would be as opposed to survival of the fittest for which we of course have Mr. Darwin to thank. Don't you like loving much better? I do. Plus, it gives me more of a chance at said survival. I'm getting pretty good at loving.

And right now I'm sending love out to all of you. May you have a peaceful moment of contentment, a heartfelt warming of love and a most blessed day.

The Foundation

While I was in treatment I had lots of time to think about the things that continually trip me up in my quest for sobriety. I targeted PAWS (Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome), depression/anxiety, lack of assertiveness and ability to effectively deal with daily problems and an ambiguousness when it comes to defining the illness. What I mean by that is that I fluctuate between thinking/believing it's a disease over which I have no control except abstinence and thinking/believing it's something that with enough personal, psychological and/or spiritual growth, I can overcome, meaning in my mind that I will be able to drink normally.

They talk about this very thing in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous when they say that the great illusion of all alcoholics is that they will someday be able to drink like normal people. Many, they say, pursue this illusion to the gates of insanity and even death.

The first time I went through treatment, in 1988, I was taught about the disease concept and it made a lot of sense to me at the time. I held on to that belief during all the six years I was sober, but after I relapsed I wanted to think there was a way I could drink. I just wanted to be like other people; I just wanted to be able to take it or leave it, but I never could. And because the drug had re-entered my system, the insanity of the addiction returned. I spent many years trying to find a loophole - maybe if I do this drug and just don't drink, it'll be okay; maybe if I only drink wine with dinner it will be okay; maybe if I just ignore it it will go away or if I read just the right book or pray just the right prayer. . .

I can't do any of it because it's a disease that causes my body to react differently to alcohol and drugs than "normal" people's bodies do. It's not caused by a psychological or spiritual condition, it creates psychological and spiritual problems. I got a double whammy with having clinical depression/anxiety along with alcoholism and they will both need to be treated for me to live a whole and fulfilling life.

So the foundation of my recovery is accepting that alcoholism is a disease and that I have it. It's accepting that I can't drink or use no matter what if I want to live. It's accepting that the majority of people in the world will still think it's a character weakness and there's not a damn thing I can do about that. It's also being grateful that I've made it this far and that I still have a chance. It's being grateful that maybe my story will stop someone else from making the same horrible mistakes that I've made. It's realizing that I still have time to put this disease into remission and keep it that way.

I think it's a good foundation. Tomorrow I will write about PAWS which I believe made it very difficult for me to get out of the relapse cycle. I underestimated its power; I underestimated a lot of things about this disease.

My Treatment Experience

I entered MCDC on November 22 and was released on January 4th. Here's how the end of 2009 played out for me: Friday the 13th birthday in detox; Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's in treatment. I cannot for the life of me summon up any sadness for these events. I was right where I was supposed to be, doing right what I was supposed to be doing. Of course, all the love that came my way didn't hurt a bit.



I would like to say that treatment was a totally positive experience, but I'm a little too honest for that. MCDC is a state-run facility and they're understaffed, underbudgeted and the overriding energy of the place is absolute chaos. Don't even ask me about the food; I was sure I was being poisoned at first. 3,000 calories a day and probably 80% of it carbohydrates. Don't even ask me about my weight upon release. My only other long-term treatment, in 1988, was a country club compared to MCDC.

Offsetting the general disorganization of the place was a group of counselors that are obviously committed to their jobs and have great passion for helping people find recovery.

I didn't sleep much at all for the first 12 nights I was in treatment. 2-3 hours a night was the max and I would awake in a complete state of panic, which I had actually been doing for a few months before going in. It's completely unnatural and very disconcerting to go from 0-100 in seconds and by the 13th day I really felt I was losing my mind. I had been hoping that my sleep would even out on its own, but it never did. I was finally, at threat of leaving, put on a medication that helps me sleep. Since I was informed that MCDC was a facility specializing in treating co-occurring disorders (that is mental health + addiction) I was somewhat disappointed that I had to go through such a horrible experience before receiving the help I so desperately needed. I went in knowing what my problems and issues were. I had been working in outpatient treatment for months trying to get them under control and yet I was treated just like a drug-seeking addict out only for the next good fix. I began to wonder if they knew anything at all about me, if they had even read my file or spoken with my addictions counselor in Polson. I still wonder it. Like I said, they're understaffed.


Once I began to sleep I was able to focus more on my treatment and one of the things I needed to work on most of all was my passivity. My passive behavior has gotten me into more trouble in the past few years than anything ever in my life. That, hand in hand with alcohol, led me to be jobless, homeless and at times in complete and utter despair. I was discouraged with the lack of counseling I was receiving, the lack of mental health assistance and the overall chaotic nature of the facility and its administrators. I also saw very clearly how some of the most manipulative patients were able to work the system to their favor and I don't mind telling you, it pissed me off. So I began to verbalize my complaints beginning with the fact that I didn't receive my first treatment plan for 2 1/2 weeks and had no scheduled appointments with counselors after the first week.

This action got me exactly nowhere except to almost leave without completing the program which would've jeopardized my chance to come to Homeward Bound, the halfway house for the homeless I'll be occupying for at least the next three months. But I didn't give in, break down or back down. I stood my ground, stayed firmly in my own truth and even though I had to stay a couple of extra days, I left with my certificate and I'm thinking a brand new backbone, which has been growing since the whole Sunrise Vista Inn incident last summer.


I went for an appointment at the Butte Chemical Dependency Center this morning, supposedly scheduled by MCDC before I left, and they had never heard of me. Like I said, they're underbudgeted.



I'm choosing my battles carefully these days and although I considered letters and grievances regarding MCDC, I've decided to let it go. I got what I needed there which was 43 days clean and sober and an opportunity to advocate for myself and the connection with Homeward Bound. It does concern me for other patients who may not be as assertive or determined as I was, but the fact is MCDC is one of the few treatment centers left in the country where you can get good long-term treatment for chemical dependency at little or no cost if need be. Most of us are being shuffled through short-term detox and right back onto the street as was even George McGovern's daughter, Terry, who subsequently died from her alcoholism. But that's another story for another day.

Tomorrow I will write about the foundation for my sobriety. And no, it's not powerlessness; at least not directly.

New Moon in Capricorn

Tonight's new moon is a powerful one, coinciding with a solar eclipse. Because it conjuncts my natal moon in Capricorn, it creates a doorway, a portal of sorts, an opportunity for a deep emotional transformation. The moon is our emotional life and with mine conjunct Saturn and in Capricorn I came in with my share of emotional seriousness. This new moon/eclipse is offering me a chance to move beyond the weight of my early emotional life, to integrate the lessons I've been working on for awhile and to take what I've learned to a new level of awareness. I love it when the planets step in to help and when I'm present through my recovery to work with them. Here are my intentions/wishes for this new moon:



1. Remain sober.


2. Start imagining the rest of my life.


3. Explore education/career opportunities.


4. Blog daily.

5. Believe.

In two weeks, at the full moon, we'll see where I am with imagining a brand new life, what I'm doing to make it happen and how I'm faring in my sobriety. In the meantime, I'd like to hear some of your intentions/wishes.

Butte, America

For someone who is going to live in a halfway house for the homeless I sure am excited. It's an odd thing to feel free of so much of that old energy that was keeping me down. While in treatment I was given a clear picture of how alcohol and drugs ensure that I will stay mired in old patterns that don't serve me or anyone. I won't entertain regret, but will keep company with the intense gratitude I feel for the love I have in my life, for 60 days of continuous sobriety and the inner knowing that I will take care of myself.

While in treatment I was asked what I would most like my family and those friends who have stuck by me through thick and thin to know about my alcohol and drug use. What I would like them to know is that it's not me. It's a disease, weakness, illness, malady, whatever you want to call it, over which I am powerless. However, I do have power over my recovery. I have the power to continue to seek those who understand and can help. I have the power to set an intention for myself and follow through on it. I have the power to let go of anything and everything that doesn't support my sobriety and to reach for those hands that do.

I am sorry I made such a big freakin' mess in the process. But, you know, life is messy and I truly believe we're all just doing the best we can until we can do better. I understand my job: Don't drink, seek support and give back; allow the universe to unfold through the awareness that keeps all of us breathing and the awareness that accompanies us when we're done breathing. Live in gratitude. Express love. Let go of judgement of yourself or anyone else. Forgive.

Look out Butte, America. Angela is on her way.

Where is Home?

I completed 43 days of treatment and I am sober. They don't play around at MCDC and it was a difficult experience, one I'm still processing. Many times I disagreed with their tactics and I almost left twice feeling that I wasn't getting the treatment I needed. But it is slowly dawning on me that in that very short period of time I became a much stronger person. I found my center and they helped me find it. Special thanks to my team: Peggy, Richard, Sharon and Vicky. These people are making a difference in the world in a field that is fraught with failure, disappointment and heartache. And they keep doing it, day after day. They continue to learn about the disease, to try new things to help those of us who have it and to love each and every one of their patients. It's a tough love sometimes; it's a good love all the time.

The love and support I received from my blogging community was incredible. Many of you wrote and sent beautiful packages that encouraged me to continue when I felt like quitting. It was pure magic to receive these gifts of the heart. The only way I can thank any of you enough is to stay sober and begin to make my own difference in the world, in honor of each and every one of you: my friends.

I've decided to return to Butte to a halfway house. I will stay there at least three months. It's bittersweet - leaving this little town I've called home for 7 years. I love this place. I believe the lake and the mountains kept me alive, not to mention the incredible friends and teachers I've had here: Claudia, Julie, Roberta, Ben, Marsha, Teresa, Heather. People who kept believing in me despite evidence that maybe I wasn't going to make it after all.

Of course, my family has been with me through this whole painful and rocky trip. No kidding. I have the best family in the entire world.

I'm pretty sure I won't stay in Butte any longer than I have to in order to re-structure my life and financial situation - 6-9 months I figure. I don't know where I'll land. Where will home be? Will I come back to Polson? Opt for Missoula? Will I be called back to Georgia for a time? It doesn't distress me at all. Because I finally know where home is. It's in my heart and it goes with me everywhere.