Wellness Wednesday - The Yoga Diaries

I was at Roberta's house Sunday night for dinner and I mentioned I was considering making a commitment to do yoga every day for 30 days. "Well", she said, "how about making a vow? A vow is so much deeper than a commitment really. Let's do it together." (You have to be really careful what you mention you're considering to Roberta.) Thus began our "vow" to do yoga every day for 30 days and to write to each other about our practice. Roberta's first installment was so beautiful I asked her if I could share it here. So I guess Roberta is my first guest blogger! Here is her first Yoga Diary installment:

Day 2 The Yoga Diaries - Two Yoginis Takin' it Deeper

Day 2 is actually our first "real day" of my experiment with dear yogini friend Angela--taking a VOW (not a "pact", not a "committment", but a VOW!) to do yoga every day for one month. And to share what we are discovering with each other as well of course being a great source of support and encouragement. As this notion arose two days ago, part of what was clear to us was that a vow is something sacred, and something you don't screw around with. Are you for real, or are you just playing around with trying eternally to get better! Interesting question and already a fascinating exploration. Our first day we were both in class with our wonderful teacher Debra, being inspired as usual. But today we were left to our own resources! So here's my report for this day:

Decided at some point that I would have an early evening practice of some sort. Started preparing thinking about something I read once in "Light on Yoga" about how it's advisable to bathe both before and after practice. A novel idea to us westerners. But I like the idea of purifying and cleansing the body as part of entering into a sacred event. Also felt it would feel good to wash the day away. So I took a lovely long bubble bath with Miracle Soap and an essential oil blend called "Tranquility"--lavender, balsam fir needle, patchouli, Roman chamomile, palmerosa, and geranium. Just reading the ingredients puts me into deep chill mode. Decided not to read as I often do in the bathroom and just relaxed and let the sounds of the new Shantala cd soothe my body and soul.

Dried off and dressed in my favorite yoga clothes and then suffered a brief glitch of not remembering where I'd put my yoga mat. But clarity of intention persevered and after a brief search I found it and spread it out in my bedroom.

My bedroom is currently in flux, as are a lot of parts of my house. Because of three beautiful thangkas on the wall, a lovely Saraswati statue, and a sufi wood painting from Morocco, the room has a nice feeling. But because it also has some absolutely huge electical cords required for remodeling as well as often has noisy toddlers or a crying baby in the room during the day, I realized tonight that I have withdrawn my energy from this room, mainly just sleeping there. Only very recently even vacuumed, dusted, and changed the sheets in this poor neglected area. So I began my practice by relaxing into being with Chenrisi, White Tara, and Green Tara who are the figures in the three thangkas. I began by looking closely but softly at all of the details, many of which I had never fully noticed or had forgotten about. Then I looked at the entire image again in a soft way. Then it spontaneously occurred to me to ask and open myself to the blessings that were available for the asking. I opened my arms by my sides and allowed myself to receive fully with no obstruction or no notion of the concept of "obstructions". No nada. So beautiful to fully receive. I then raised my hands high, bowed deeply, and moved on to the next being who was awaiting my visit. Enjoyed learning to sense in a more refined way these different but equally sublime healing energies. White Tara is interesting because in this thangka she is more of a tan color with numerous gold highlights and these amazing pink roses. Just lush. The richness and fullness of Chenresi always bowls me over. And Green Tara is so dark, primal, mysterious, and eternally flowing and giving. A real babe of the deep jungle. Like Kali. And finally I came to the sufi painting I'd purchased in Morocco in 1967 on an early adventure with a girl friend. This painting may be the only thing besides my violin I've managed to hold onto after a life of so many years of moving A LOT. Moving houses, apartments, moving to new parts of the same town many times, changing housemates, husbands and lovers quite a lot. So the stuff has literally been flying all over the place. But this painting has been with me through three different spiritual communities, gracing so many houses and spaces I've lived in. And even though I "liked" it, it was always a bit of an enigma to me --"some kind of sufi thing". Tonight I relaxed gently into the concentric intricately decorated circles, noticing a couple of grease stains. I couldn't remember whether they came with it when I bought it. I slowly became aware of subtle gradations of coloration and a slight pulsating motion, drawing me deeper into the Heart at the core. I suddenly knew that this "thing" which I'd pondered and speculated about over the hearts, is nothing less than a crystallized transmission of Love, waiting patiently for the beholder who looks on it with love to bring it into Life and "activate" it.

So this, my dear yogini buddy, was the Beginning of Practice tonight! Oh my goodness. I actually had the thought that this could also be the end of my practice for today, as our "guidelines" mercifully allow a lot of leeway for what it is to consciously "practice yoga". I was already feeling that nothing was lacking. But my space was by this time feeling so energized and divinized that I was curious to discover what I might further experience. When I sat down I was immediately aware of beginning to breathe more deeply and regularly and continuing to remain open to all these blessings raining down. I didn't even think to do the Invocation we usually do as it seemed like it had already happened. I started doing some gentle neck stretches and spinal movements, loosening up what I was immediately aware was speaking to me. Then I even remembered to change the cross of my legs as Debra has been having us do recently. Noticed how I have been "resenting" this intrusion on my "habit" but that tonight it seemed just interesting. Then moved into child's pose. Thought briefly about how much I was enjoying this chance to "experiment" a bit. Why do we always or at least very often begin with child's pose? Well, it seems because it is such a great gentle hip opener as well as a simultaneous great spine stretch. A great prep for Down Dog. Am feeling that at long last I am on the verge of begninning to inhabit Down Dog. Gosh, a breakthrough! This is because recently Debra made it clear that not only is it way overdue for me to get my shoulders open (instead of "working at it" for years and years!), but that the essential muscles and knowledge is actually already in the program. She showed me exactly where it is in fact recently, and this was so brilliant. Now instead of constantly haranguing myself about how I Should Do More Shoulder Openers, I can just simply open them. Hallelujah! So after my best and fullest expression of Down Dog (at this point in time and space)then I moved to pigeon (your favorite!) which I experienced so beautifully and deeply tonight. I really like this one. Then back to down dog, lowering down pretty gracefully into cobra which I also enjoy so much, especially with the arms out to the side so you can really get "the trench". Then slowly up via Fierce Pose which I am also finding to be powerfully energizing as of late. Stood in relaxed but impeccable Standing Pose breathing deeply and smoothly for a while. Sat down thinking I might do some more asanas, but then thought "No, more is not necessarily better. I am not competing with anyone, not even myself or my past selves". Now that is a relief! It was tantamount to myself and everyone else in the room (Green Tara, White Tara, Chenresi, and the unnamed Sufi) that the next best move was sivasana! But before I got into this I brought my awareness into having an "arch" in my lower back, shoulders back and heart up and shining. Then some moments of letting it all go into timeless and spaceless mode. But still so energized and alive that when the notion of "The Yoga Diaries" flitted into my brain I had to gently rise from this excellent session and tell you all about it.

I was sure from the get go that this Vow was a good idea. But it's way better than I'd imagined (as of course, everything always is!) So no expectation, no programs, no agendas, no plans. Just show up and see what's happening. Thank you so much for being the generator of this enjoyable and instructive experiment,girlfriend!

With love and comradeship in endless exploration--

Roberta

Pecan Cheesecake Pie

For the second year in a row, I've spent Thanksgiving with my co-workers and good friends, Peggy and Tom. Peggy and Tom live in a cozy little house on the side of a mountain in the forest. There is still snow on the ground and trees and pulling up to their house with the smoke pouring from the chimney set my heart full of gratitude for all the wonderful blessings in my life. Tom and Peggy are big hunters, barely having to leave their back yard to make a kill. They're also

hunters in the best way, using every inch of the meat for eating through the winter. They always thank the animal for the abundance it provides and Tom always buries the heart in the place where the animal was taken. Last year, we had venison tenderloin cut right off the deer that was hanging to age on their back porch. This year, Peggy made a venision roast that is probably the best meat I've ever put in my mouth. (Sorry, dad!) This really was the best Thanksgiving as far as the quality and taste of the food that I've had thus far in my life.

I contributed the pecan cheesecake pie shown above, Brussels Sprouts with Apples and Bacon and a big green salad with dried currants, pine nuts, radishes and a homemade balsamic vinagrette. I find if anything is usually missing from a Thanksgiving feast it will be something nice and fresh and green. One of Tom's brothers, Carlo, made some fantastic garlic and herbed mashed potatoes. Peggy roasted sweet potatoes with butter and honey. Tom's mother made a cold green bean salad with beans from their garden and of course, we had turkey, stuffing and cranberry sauce.

I'd like to thank Peggy and Tom and Tom's family for being so gracious in sharing their holiday with me and bringing me in just like a member of the family. Holidays can be difficult for single people far from home, but they are so generous and warm that it keeps me from missing my family and friends in Georgia so much.

Now, the recipes.

Pecan Cheesecake Pie

Ingredients

1/2 (15 oz.) package refrigerated pie crusts

1 (8 oz.) package cream cheese, softened

4 large eggs, divided

3/4 cup sugar divided

2 tsp. vanilla extract, divided

1/4 tsp. salt

1 1/4 cup chopped pecans

1 cup light corn syrup

Fit pie crust into a 9-inch pie plate according to package directions. Fold edges under and crimp. Beat cream cheese, 1 egg, 1/2 cup sugar, 1 tsp. vanilla and salt at medium speed with an electric mixer until smooth. (What did they ever do without electric mixers?) Pour cream cheese mixture into pie crust; sprinkle evenly with chopped pecans. Whisk together corn syrup, remaining 3 eggs, 1/4 cup sugar and 1 tsp. vanilla; pour mixture over pecans. Place pie on a baking sheet and bake at 350 degrees on lowest oven rack 50-55 minutes or until pie is set. Cool on a wire rack 1 hour or until completely cool. Serve immediately or cover and chill up to 2 days. You would never know this pie was so easy it comes out so rich and delicious!

Sauteed Brussels Sprouts with Apples

Ingredients

1 1/2 lb. Brussels sprouts, trimmed

4 bacon slices

1 Braeburn apple, peeled and diced (I have no idea what kind of apple I used as Tom's mother gave me some from their tree. It worked fine.)

2 Tbsp. minced shallots

1 garlic clove, minced

1/4 cup dry white wine (I used a chardonnay - gasp!)

1/4 cup low-sodium fat-free chicken broth

1 tsp. salt

1/2 tsp. pepper

1/4 cup freshly shaved parmesan cheese

Cut Brussels sprouts in half, and cut into shreds. Cook bacon in a large skillet over medium heat 8-10 minutes or until crisp; remove bacon, drain on paper towels, reserving 3 Tbsp. drippings in skillet. Crumble bacon. Saute' apple, shallots and garlic in hot drippings over medium-high heat 3 minutes. Stir in wine and next 3 ingredients, stirring to loosen particles from bottom of skillet. Bring to a boil; reduce heat and simmer 5 minutes. Add Brussels sprouts; saute' 8-10 minutes or until sprouts are crisp-tender. Top with shaved parmesan and crumbled bacon. Serve imediately. (I wasn't able to serve immediately so I kept the bacon and parmesan separate and added after heating the Brussels sprouts in the microwave.) They were great!

Phoenix in a Bottle

"Phoenix in a Bottle" is a book I read recently co-authored by Lilian and Murdoch MacDonald, a couple now residing in Scotland who went through their own personal hell with alcohol. Lilian and Murdoch met in the early '90's at an AA meeting. They had both been attending AA for years with limited success. They married within a year against all the advice of their AA peers. At first it looked as if those peers had been right, for Lilian and Murdoch went on an extended bender, even ending up on the streets of Cambridge, England for a couple of weeks, "sleeping rough" as they called it. Their account of this experience is at once harrowing and heartening. It left no doubt in my mind that they know what they're talking about when it comes to having a problem with alcohol. They write:

By this time we were close to depair. We were freezing, the alcoholic shakes were starting to seriously manifest themselves, and an awful dread was setting in as we realised that we could think of no possible way out of the mess we were in, at least until Monday morning, when we might be able to wring a last few pounds out of the bank. Before then, a whole weekend without anything to drink, nothing to eat, sleeping rough and perishing cold - we couldn't face the thought of walking back to Christ's Pieces for the duvet, even if we had been able to find it again.

They tried AA one last time before deciding that if they were to solve their alcohol problem, they would have to do it together and find a solution that was specific to them.

Thus began a journey of exploring their childhoods and the belief systems that followed them into adulthood. They spent a few months working on this exploration while rebuilding their personal and professional lives. Now, more than ten years later, they are valued and active members of their families, workplaces and society. They drink occasionally with no consequence and are attempting to spread the word that there are many alternatives to the problem of alcoholism without committing to a lifetime of abstinence or a program that may not fit your core values.

Their discussion involves much of what they perceive as myths and superstitions about alcoholism that have been perpetrated on society through the proliferation of the 12-step communities through profit-based treatment programs. They also contend that AA is a quasi-religious cult based upon the contemporary medical orthodoxy of the time and the involvement of both founders with the evangelical doctrine of the Oxford Groups of the early 1930's, from which Bill Wilson, co-founder of AA, took much material for the 12 steps. Another quote from their book:

Frankly, the whole thing is total nonsense. What it all boils down to in essence is that they are saying that alcoholism is a progressive, incurable and fatal illness or disease of mind and body. That's the bad news, right? But the good news is that you can get continuing remission on a daily basis, by turning your will and your life over to the care of God (as you understand him), confessing your sins, making amends for them, and living the rest of your life in accordance with His will (not yours) and carrying the message to others.

These ideas, although a strange mixture of contemporary medical ignorance and evangelical Christianity, at least reflected the current thinking of the time in these two fields. However, instead of changing, developing and progressing over the years, this philosophy became fixed, to the extent that barely a dot or comma was allowed to be changed in the AA bible, the so-called Big Book, at it moved from one edition to the next.

I've been in touch with Lilian and Murdoch personally and I can assure you these are two sincere, honest and brave people. They are not out for personal gain, but only wish to help others who find themselves in a similar boat.

As for me, I hope this post will be met in the same spirit in which it is written - as an open and frank discussion into the many avenues recovery can take, and the many definitions of recovery an individual can claim for themselves.

I have added a link to their website, "Alcoholics Can Drink Safely Again" to the websites on the left hand side of the blog. I will link directly to their book as soon as I can figure out how to do that through Amazon UK.

Gypsy Soup

I figured it was about time to post another recipe and this is one of the best fall soups I've ever had.

I discovered it when my friend Claudia aka The Practical Vampire Slayer gave me some last fall. She got it from Jennifer Graf Groneberg, our friend and fellow writer who's book, Road Map to Holland, about her first two years with her son, Avery, who has Down Syndrome, will be out this spring. Let me tell you something about both of these women, they can write and cook!

Here's the recipe:

3 T olive oil

2 cups chopped onion

2 cloves garlic, crushed

1 cup peeled and diced sweet potato

1 cup peeled and diced squash such as butternut, acorn or turkish hat

1 can diced tomatoes with juice

3/4 cup chopped sweet peppers (red, green or yellow) or substitute a handful of chopped kale or spinach (I used kale)

1 can garbanzo beans, drained

3 cups chicken broth or vegetable stock

1 tsp. paprika (I used curry)

1 tsp. tumeric

1 tsp. basil (I used tarragon)

1 tsp. salt

1/4 tsp. cinnamon

1/4 tsp. cayenne pepper

1 T tamara soy sauce

In a large pot, saute the onions, garlic, potatoes and squash in the olive oil. Add all seasonings (except stock and tamari). Cover and let simmer for 15 minutes to bring out the flavor of the spices. You won't believe how good this smells! Add remaining ingredients, turn up the heat and bring to a boil, then cover and simmer until vegetables are tender.

This serves 4 (although it looks like more to me!) and it's even better the next day. This soup is an incredible immune booster. The onion, garlic, cayenne and cinnamon are excellent at fighting off autumn colds. I can also imagine throwing in that turkey on Friday for a totally different leftover taste. And, I mean, you just gotta love that name - gypsy soup.

Enjoy!

Happy Kid

This is crazy

This is the view from my front door. I've been here in Montana almost five years and every year until this one, it has snowed by now. As a matter of fact it has always snowed by Halloween.

For a southern girl who always dreamed of a white christmas, it has been like being a kid in a candy store. I eagerly await the first fluffy flakes, get in the kitchen and make comfort food and settle in with my down throw, my kitties and George Clooney or Brad Pitt.

I moved here in November of 2002, and it was cold that year. However, I traveled back to Georgia in April of 2003 and I couldn't get warm to save my life! It was the coldest I had been since I moved.

It's probably almost 60-degrees outside right now. I'm not complaining, but it's just weird. The almanac says this is to be one of the coldest, snowiest, frozenest years on record. But so far it's just been mild. Ya'll remind me of this when I'm bitching about shoveling the sidewalk!

TagNation - 7 Random Things

The fabulous Mr. Eaton over at Country Don't Mean Dumb tagged me to write 7 Randon Things About Myself. These are the rules:

1. Link to the person’s blog who tagged you.

2. Post these rules on your blog.

3. List seven random and/or weird facts about yourself.

4. Tag seven random [?] people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs.

5. Let each person know that they have been tagged by posting a comment on their blog.

And so, without further ado, here are my seven random things:

1. In 1991, I won a trip to Rio de Janeiro. I took my first cousin, Carla, who is the same age as me. While there, I had an affair with a hot Italian guy who couldn't speak a word of English. It was perfect.

2. I would find it difficult to live without my morning coffee and cigarette "meditation." Organic African coffee, one sugar and real 1/2 and 1/2. American Spirit menthol.

3. I won an award from the Optimist Club when I was in 7th Grade for writing an essay titled "Why I Love America" or something dorky like that. In it, I blasted Mr. Nixon.

4. I am a cynical romantic.

5. I think cats are the coolest critters on the planet.

6. I am a Scorpio sun, Capricorn moon, Libra rising mumble-jumble of contradictions, paradoxes, inconsistencies, and abnormalities that add up to one crazy-ass, but mostly fun woman.

7. I'm doing "undercover" work for Eric Frances at Planet Waves.

I feel it only fair to admit that I perjured the term "TagNation" from Mr. Eaton. Here are my seven taggees (that one's mine):

1. Olivia

2. Sherri

3. Bruce

4. Kickin Tina

5. Kelly

6. Carla

7. And saving the best for last - Miss Annie

Wellness Wednesday - Beliefs

I met with the woman who's going to guide me through the process I mentioned in a previous post on Monday night. We spent three hours examining the beliefs that I've carried into my adult life, unexamined, from growing up in the south and in my family of origin. Some of them seemed really silly for me to even write. I felt like I'd left them long behind, but the truth is that when we began discussing them and how they'd manifested in my life, I began to realize I only thought I'd left them behind. Just to give you an idea, here are a few of the ones I listed:

Women are neurotic and hard to manage.

Money is scarce.

People are not to be trusted unless they're a member of the family or a person in authority - a doctor, judge, lawyer or the president, etc. Those people are to be trusted implicitly and with no questioning.

Your needs are not important, as a matter of fact you really don't have any.

Squash the symptom.

I had 33 of these written down and I'm sure I've barely scratched the surface. A couple of amazing things happened for me. The first was that as we were discussing these things I literally felt movement start up in my first chakra, the chakra of survival instincts, grounding and our connection to our bodies and the physical plane. It felt as though speaking these beliefs, letting them out, literally freed up energy that had been stuck there.

The second thing that happened is that I began to notice patterns. Patterns in the beliefs and correlations in patterns to the experiences I've had in my life. I believe this is what the 4th Step in AA is intended to do, but I never found the patterns by examaning my resentments, fears or sexual conduct. Obviously, other people do, but I didn't.

I was literally exhausted when I got home. I think this is going to be a profound healing process and will contribute to my overall wellness in ways I can only imagine. Thank you for sharing this journey with me.

What We Resist

Persists. I woke up this morning with a cloud of sadness and loss hanging over me. So I considered my options. I could try and ignore it which was tempting. I can be pretty good at that sometimes. Or I could work my way out of it - pretty good at that one, too. But I've learned that this axiom is true for me, what I resist, persists. So I dove into it, cried, felt the sadness, felt the loss and then I do what works really well for me - I connected. I talked to several friends and one of my sisters on the phone. I called to invite Roberta for a walk. I did a little cleaning and a lot of reading and now, as dark falls on my little sacred spot, I am okay. Not great, just okay and that's good enough for right now. I've experienced these "emotional hangovers" a lot in my life and I'm pretty sure they're not going to kill me. Slowly and painstakingly I am learning to embrace what comes my way and try not to label it good or bad, but just let it be. Some days, though, the process of becoming more conscious is just a bitch.

Looking forward to checking on everyone else's Sacred Sunday posts. Even though mine didn't especially feel that way, I know it has been a Sacred Sunday.

Om Namah Shivaya Gurave

I thought I would answer Annie's (one of the most brave women I know by the way) last post, here, so everyone can read it. Because it's very important. She asked what the first written lines on the top of the chalkboard were, from my yoga class. They are, as above, and so below:

Om Namah Shivaya Gurave

The first line of the mantra/chant that we sing at the beginning of each Anusaraya Yoga class. The entire chant and its translation breaks down as follows:

Om Namah Shivaya Gurave: I offer myself to Lord Shiva,the Auspiscious One, who is the true teacher Within and Without.

Saccidananda Murtaye: Who Assumes the forms of Reality, Consciousness and Bliss.

Nishprapanchaya Shantaya: Who is never absent and is full of peace.

Niralambaya Tejase: Independent existence, the vital essence of illumination.

I don't know what it is about this chant but it infuses my entire body with a sense of well being. Even though I rarely take the time to translate the words in my mind, the effect is still present. I frequently find msyelf driving down the road chanting, "Om Namah Shivaya Gurave" just because it makes me feel good!

I'm doing chakra work with Rainbow Dreams as well as with my new guru and it seems like this chant opens up each of the seven energy centers. It's all about the flow, or non-flow, of energy. That's why my yoga mat investment was so important to me. It is an investment in MY LIFE.

And each of you reading here add to the blessing of that life. And so to you: Namste', which breaks down to "I see and acknowledge the light in you."

Wellness Wednesday - Yoga

OK, I have to admit, I was meandering through all the posts and comments of the last few days - trying to let it all sink in - and I realized, Holy Cow!, it's Wellness Wednesday! And I'm part of that.

I haven't written much about my yoga practice, but it's an important part of my wellness program. We have the most incredible teacher here in Polson. Debra believes in adhering to the spriritual principles of yoga as well as the physical. So we always have a teaching up on the board and we always chant to begin and end each practice.

Although my budget has been diminished dramatically in recent weeks, I made the decision to purchase a 5-class package and a new mat (Kisster chewed up the old one) while I still had one full paycheck coming. I feel this was an investment in my wellness over the coming weeks. The more time I spend on my mat (and you gotta have one to spend time on it), the more I will be contributing to my overall mental and physical health. I could've gone to Wal-Mart and bought a cheap mat, but I chose to really invest in my yoga practice. It's something I love, something I'm committed to, and something that is a real benefit to my life. So, I bought the "Transformer Mat" and absolutely pranayama'd into the investment.

Besides the physical, spiritual and mental benefits of yoga, it's also a chance to connect with other people of like mind. When I went Monday, after having been away for several weeks, I was greeted with so much love and welcome, that it nearly brought tears to my eyes. Then Debra started working us and all I could think of was the practice.

My Own Path

This is from my meditation book for today, November 6:

I am on my own, individualized path through life. I am unique. I am not in a position to judge another person nor should I take others' judgments of me too much to heart. There have been so many tiny variables that have gone into shaping who I am - my path has been my own and all those around me have a path that is their own. I cannot really judge another person because I could not possibly have enough information to truly see the whole story, to understand in full and fair measure just what has gone into making that person tick. It is difficult enough to understand myself. Why do I feel I am capable of judging another fairly?

I honor my own unique experience.

The six tips of a single snowflake . . . feel the same temperatures, and because the laws of growth are purely deterministic, they maintain a near-perfect symmetry. But the nature of turbulent air is such that any pair of snowflakes will experience very different paths. The final flake records the history of all the changing weather conditions it has experienced, and the combinations may well be infinite.
James Gleick

I'm pretty sure this book has mystical powers. :)

Well, wasn't that fun?

As many of you who write your own blog know - a blog tends to be an organic process. While we have some general idea what we will write about when we start blogging, we may get sidetracked, or become interested in something else, or have significant life changes that send the blog in a different direction or just leave it hanging around the blogosphere like a lost child. This is my second blog; the first was about being single in a small town and the alternatively hilarious and horrifying events that came about due to that fact. Because being single gradually became something I embraced instead of something I wanted to change, and because I wanted my life to move in a different direction, I stopped writing that blog. Funny thing - no married men have hit on me since then.

When I began this blog I wanted to offer a different way to look at recovery. Because AA wasn't working for me and because I had long believed there were other valid and workable ways to do recovery, I wanted to share my process of exploring some of those ways. Also, the blog was/is a tool for me to sit down at the computer and write. . . my thoughts, my experiences, my beliefs. In that process, something magical always seems to happen. I tend to dive into things headfirst so I never stopped to think about the consequences of drinking while writing a recovery blog. Then I found myself in that very situation and it was a dilemma. I handled it the best way I could figure out.

If you've been following the comments you know that this has become a very public forum for some people (and I don't even know who some of them are) to express their displeasure with me. It has been very hurtful and I'm reeling from it, much more than I am from the last drink I took. For those of you who have been frequent readers and contributors, I'd like to apologize for the nastiness that has ensued.

I'm at a loss as to what to do now. I intended to write a post about the beautiful day I had - my first shortened work week. I went to yoga, had lunch with a dear friend and dinner with another, but the wind has been sucked right out of my sails tonight. Tonight I'm tired of trying to be spiritual and I'm tired of being nice and I'm sick and damned tired of people who think they know my heart.

To Ben, who assured me he wrote an "approving" post, albeit anonymously, I'd like to say not only do I not need your approval anymore, I no longer want it. Go feed off someone else.

To Whatalife I'd like to say, unless you feel like saying who you really are, go play somewhere else please.

To the rest of you I'd like to say, this won't get me down for long. I've been wanting to start a new blog about the business and entrepreneurship in general and I'm not sure I can keep up with both. Maybe it's time for this one to die a not so peaceful death.

Courage of My Convictions

This is Manjusri, the Bodhiisattva with the Sword of Discriminating Wisdom. She sits on my mantel and I will be invoking her presence and guidance often in the coming weeks.

I know a woman who is healed of alcoholism. She once identified as an alcoholic and spent many years in AA. She no longer has an alcohol problem. She drinks on occasion and it does not affect her life either negatively or positively. She once told me that if I really wanted to recover from the problem to let her know. So I did.

I am beginning a process with her similar in some ways to the 4th Step in Alcoholics Anonymous which states: "We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves." I will be starting by examining all the beliefs of my southern culture, the tribe I was born to. All the beliefs - whether I feel they personally affect me or not. I will meet with her on a weekly basis to do energy work and begin to explore how these beliefs have manifested in my life.

One belief I hold that is not of my culture is that people can recover from alcoholism without abstaining forever. I'm sure this is why I've had ongoing issues with relapse. I have the belief, but have not had the courage of my convictions or the intent to make that my goal. I tried to remain in the prevailing paradigm because it's so fixed in our society. But it is incogruent with my belief. She did not ask me to commit to remaining sober through this process, but I have made that commitment to myself. I don't see how it will work otherwise. I have no idea how long it will take or what else will be involved, but I'm in for the long haul.

I have some fear and trepidation, but this feels so much more sincere to me than anything I've done in decades around this issue that I know I will walk through it. I will, of course, be letting you know how it goes.

As any of you with your own blog know, a blog tends to be an organic process. When we begin we may have a general idea what we will write about but we may get sidetracked, or become interested in something else, or have significant life changes that send the blog in a different direction. It may even end up hanging around the blogosphere like a lost child, alone and forgotten. This is my second blog; the first was about being single in a small town and the alternatively hilarious and horrifying events that came about due to that fact. Being single - anywhere - gradually became something I embraced instead of something I wanted to change and I stopped writing on that blog. And it's been a funny thing - no married men have hit on me since then. I have to wonder if my intent to stop focusing on that area of my life was instrumental in that development.



When I began this blog I wanted to offer a different look at recovery. Because AA didn't work for me and because I had long believed there were other valid and workable ways to do recovery, I wanted to share my process of exploring some of those ways. I tend to do things headfirst, diving in and thinking later. So when I began the blog I never stopped to think about the consequences of drinking while writing a recovery blog. Then, I found myself in that very situation. And it was a dilemma. I handled it the best way I could figure out.



One morning I received an e-mail from someone who implied that I sort of managed this whole thing on purpose. The implication, or accusation, was that in not exposing certain facts about my life, I was still being dishonest and that my behavior was approval-seeking at best and outright deceptive at worst. I know they say the road to hell is paved with good intentions, and I believe it. But, still, that was not my intention. Like, I'm not really that smart.



The e-mail did give me pause and gave me yet another opportunity to look at recovery, what I think it is, what I want it to be and what I believe is true about it.



I've known several to many people in my life who have identified themselves as alcoholic at one time or another. They may or may not have stopped drinking for a period of time. But, eventually they were able to moderate their drinking and move forward from identificaiton with the paradigm of alcoholic or addict, or they never became identified with it in the first place. I believe this is possible. I think it's probably possible for me. Maybe that's why every time I stay sober a few months, I drink again. Sometimes I over-drink and sometimes I don't. Fifteen months ago I kicked a fifteen year addiction to ativan, a benzodiazepam that greatly enhances the effects of alcohol. Since then, each time I've succumbed to the temptation to drink, I've drank less and had fewer repurcussions. Does this mean I'm in denial again? Does this mean I'm just biding my time until alcohol once again takes over my life? Or does it mean that I've made significant changes in my attitude and behavior and other changes are following on the heals of it? I don't know.



I don't expect it to be linear, or neat, or pretty, because not much about my life ever has been. But, since I hold the belief that it's possible to break an addiction without abstaining forever, it's highly unlikely that any recovery program will work for me and by attempting to write a recovery blog, or be in recovery, I'm wasting my time and yours.

Halloween is for Kids

Aren't they cute? These are the two sons of one of Roberta's co-workers and a friend/colleague of mine. Halloween was my favorite holiday as a kid and this time of year remains my favorite as an adult. I've read a lot about pagan tradition and find myself deeply attracted to the festivities and holy days of the Old Religion. The holy days fall on the soltices, equinoxes and cross-quarter days between these events - all related to the placement of the sun and moon and the changing of seasons. My interest in astrology ties into this quite nicely and my use of ritual has developed from both interests.

My friend, Eric Frances, over at Planet Waves has this to say about this time of year:

"THESE NIGHTS of mid-Scorpio are when the veil between the worlds is the thinnest. They are the Days of the Dead: All Saints' Day, All Souls' Day, Dia de los Muertos, and Dia de los Angelitos; with special days designated to honor the unbaptized, small children, those who died violently, and of course, our ancestors. When our world is closest to the astral world, these souls can come visit; and we can visit them, honoring our predecessors in our hearts, and also with a simple ritual such as bringing gifts to a cemetery. In American culture, we call the whole business Halloween. That is an adaptation of Samhain, the high sabbat of the witch's calendar. This is related to Beltane in May -- the holiday of abundance, sex and passion."

Planet Waves is where my favorite blogger, Judith Gayle, resides, and if you want a taste of her, click here.

I've plugged these guys before and I'm plugging them now because it's possible I may be working with them in the near future. My only problem at the moment seems to be that I have so many possibilities to choose from, I may let an important one slip by. Let's hope not.

SLIP - Sobriety Loses Its Place

I broke my sobriety over the weekend. I wonder why I do this to myself when I know I'm better off without drinking. I suppose the final truth is that sometimes I still want to drink and while most often I find the strength not to, there are times when I give in. I won't dwell on it, but since this is a recovery blog, I'm compelled to honesty.

On another subject, my employer cut everyone's pay by 20% yesterday. With it, our hours are also cut so I'll be working a 4-day week starting next week. The paycut will be a burden, but I can tighten my belt and get through it. I'm actually glad for the extra day. I can attend a yoga class and I'll have more time for the new business so I'm looking on the bright side.

A week ago I was thriving, now I feel like I'm just getting through. Life. Choices. Time to surrender.