I have just one thing to say

They did not exaggerate. I am not a happy camper. I hope to be back soon.

100th Blog Post

Well, this is my 100th blog post and it seems as good a time as any to review where we've been for the past few months. I began this blog as an exploration into recovery from alcoholism and drug addiction. I had been trying many different recovery modalities, but had yet to find one that seemed to fit me personally. You may have noticed that not every post, maybe not even half of them, are actually about addiction or recovery. There's a reason for that.

What I hope I show here is that there is a lot more to me than the drinking problem I defined myself by for so long. A whole helluva lot more. What I hope others with similar problems may realize is that they, too, can make the choice to define themselves differently.

One of the first decisions I made was to stop attending AA. There was a time in my life, which I've written about, when AA was a catalyst for positive change, but that time had long passed and I was only hurting myself by continuing to try and find something appropriate for me there. When I would go to AA and attempt to stay sober indefinitely, and then fail in that attempt, I would beat myself unmercifully and the deep and intense guilt I would experience was much worse on me than the actual drinking. Plus, some folks in and out of AA seemed all too eager to assist me in the lashing. So I decided to quit doing that to myself. When I stopped doing it to myself, I stopped letting anyone else do it either. I think that's called empowerment.

Some of my best friends are members of AA. In keeping with their 12th tradition, I would like to say thank you to two very special women - you know who you are.

I gave myself permission to explore the things I was really interested in and the things that I felt could lead me out of alcoholism. I had this idea that a life lived with deep passion and joy would leave little room for addiction. So I deepened my inquiry into astrology and how it could help me make sense of life. I also began work with a woman who had identified as alcoholic for many years, but who had transcended that label. She introduced me to Caroline Myss' work on archetypes which was a perfect accompaniment to astrology as astrology is really all about archetypes. I decided to explore the relationship between sex, guilt and addiction - specifically how feelings of guilt around early sexual experiences could morph into addiction disorders. Eric Frances over at Planet Waves provided a space for this exploration. I intended to write more about that here, but I haven't gotten comfortable enough to be quite that open. I maintained my spiritual practices - yoga, meditation and writing. Writing is a spiritual practice for me because I cannot hide from myself when I write. I can still hide from you if I want to, but not myself. None of these explorations have turned out like I thought they would; mostly they've turned out better than I could've imagined.

The first and most wonderful change came when I noticed that I could drink without guilt. I could enjoy drinking in a social fashion. This doesn't mean that there was an instantaneous switch to moderate drinking. I sometimes still drink too much, but I no longer beat the crap out of myself for doing it. I've observed that when I am in a difficult situation or having a hard time emotionally, I can still go into heavy drinking as a coping mechanism. And I've observed that I can stop it.

As long as I believed in powerlessness as the 1st of the 12 steps requires, I really was powerless. When I would drink under that premise, I literally felt that I couldn't stop drinking and the binges could last for days or even weeks. These binges were exacerbated by an addiction to a drug called ativan which I finally broke in September of 2006. What it feels like now is that I'm backing out of alcoholism. I like to drink. I practice harm reduction by not driving when I drink, not letting it interfere with my work, and not adding anything else to the mix. I believe as long as I am responsible to my fellow human beings, I can maintain my private life as I please. No harm, no foul. This is not a popular notion these days. At the same time, I have become much too aware of where my real joy lies to get too far away from that, which is where excess drinking takes me.

I have gained more confidence, more joy and more fulfillment from following my own path, however crooked it may look to someone else, than I ever did by trying to maintain abstinence from alcohol. Anyone will tell you that abstinence from alcohol does not equal recovery. Very few, if any, people will tell you that recovery is possible while continuing to drink. But I know there are others out there like me, who believe it is possible and who will follow that belief. Some may consider us stupid, a little crazy and even hopeless. Others may consider us courageous and ground-breaking, while most of you could probably care less one way or the other. Which leads me to the second wonderful thing that's happened for me. I don't base my decisions anymore on what someone else thinks is a good idea for me. I think they call that liberation.

A few weeks ago the woman I was working with had me make a list of the positive changes I'd seen since we began working together. Here is that list:

I've had more instances of drinking and enjoying it than I have of overdoing it and regretting it.

I've felt my confidence soar.

I've done some excellent writing.

I've felt the Universe filling me up from the inside out.

I've drawn lines in the sand with people and been utterly prepared for whatever response I got.

I've spent a lot of time letting myself move through grief.

I've created a sex life for myself that doesn't require a partner and I've also enjoyed great partner sex.

I have redefined some relationships in my life to be on a more equal basis.

I'd like to add these to that list:

I've been true to myself.

I've moved out of blaming anyone, most especially myself.

I still feel the naysayer's judgment. I still wonder if they will be right in the end - if I will ultimately move back into full blown alcoholism and possibly lose my life. And then I remember: none of us gets out of here alive. Today is the day, baby. What are you going to do with it?

And on that note, this will probably be my last post before surgery. I've added some great new people to my blogroll, so please check out: Crazed and Confused, Frankiecon, Lee's River, Rae's Confessions, and The Electric Orchid Hunter.

And oh yeah, that picture? I took it with the cowboy on top of that snow-covered moutain, on a very sweet and sacred Sunday afternoon. Peace, ya'll.

Hangin' out at the . . . . cemetary?

Yeah, this is what we do for fun in Polson on a Saturday afternoon. Actually, the Lakeview Cemetary is atop a hill that overlooks Polson Bay, the narrows and the mountains of the Mission, the Swan and the Flathead Valleys. It's one of the most beautiful views in Polson and one of the quietest spots in an already quiet town. I like to go there to think and ponder, to daydream and reminise, to pray and stand in awe. My prayers go something like this, which are the lyrics from a Joan Armatrading song I'm listening to:

They're singing secular songs in the churches

And there's not a word of God

It's all Schubert and Beethoven

Oh and lots of french love songs

So let's go down on Sunday morning

To hear that Jacob sermon read

Everybody's dressed in their finest apparal baby

Listening to the preacher eulogies

Then we'll pray

Pray

Pray

Yea we'll pray

Our souls will rise upon that date

Pray

Pray

Pray

Pray we change to better ways

They're telling stories about love's passion

All about menage a trois

Hear those heart felt Leider

Coming from that deep bass voice

And whilst some sleep through this music

Others weep for all the pain

As they sing secular songs to the churches baby

It's time to kneel let's kneel and pray.

That's followed by the chorus again with lots of soulful hallelujah's thrown in and at this part I can't decide which to sing - Pray or Hallelujah!

I brought the cowboy to this cemetary yesterday. We seem to have burned through all our illusions about each other in the past few weeks - and decided we still think it's a good thing to hang out together awhile. I feel good about that.

One of the artists I was working with, Nancy Greenfield, came up today and collected the inventory of hers I still had. Nancy and I had a great, though short-lived working relationship and made friends in the process. I sold a little of her work for her and we ended our business relationship on very good terms. Plus, I made another new friend. Hi, Joe! Hope you found me.

I feel good about that.

I'm prepared for the upcoming surgery and am eager to get it over with and start the process of recovery. Ya'll remind me of that two weeks from now when I'm wanting to kill my physical therapist! I feel good about that.

And there's one thing for sure. I'm not "asleep in Jesus" yet. And let me tell you, I feel very good about that!

Cupid's Shadow

For many years, Valentine’s Day and the week surrounding it was just a week of intense work in the family flower shop. And don’t think your small hometown florist likes it. It’s hard, brutal physical labor. It’s rose thorns and 5-gallon buckets of slimy water and last minute men desperate to have something in their hands when they get home. It’s commercial and frivolous and ridiculous. It’s anxiety producing, guilt-ridden and fake.

Working in a flower shop you pretty much get to see it all. Flowers are bought for celebration at birthdays, births and weddings; for remembrance when someone passes on or is ill; and for good old getting out of the doghouse every day of the week. But I always think of those Valentine red roses as our own collective sexual/love/romantic shadow. Maybe because I was privy early on to the commercialization of Valentine’s Day, because I saw how men reluctantly did what they were “supposed” to do that day, and how women measured their men by whether they did the right thing or not, I am not sentimental about Valentine’s Day. You know how some people hate Christmas? Well, I hate Valentine’s Day.

In 1991, I received 7 dozen roses for Valentine’s Day. A few months later I married that man. A few months later I left in fear for my life. But, those roses – well, that and the 1 carat solitaire hooked me good. And even recently I have been seduced by pretty gifts and compliments and the promise of a little romance. But none of that is the real, real thing. Sometimes the real thing comes without nicely wrapped packages and sparkly diamonds or compliments you don't know whether to believe or not. Sometimes it comes very plainly, at the foot of a snow-covered mountain, and with the truth – no matter how unattractive it may be.

The Soul's Companion

Behavior Patterns

"When I become aware of destructive behavior patterns, they can serve a wonderful purpose: I can use them as indicators of where my inner work lies. Any situation to which I have a constant over-reaction is telling me something about myself that I need to listen to. My first task is to realize the reaction is not fitting the circumstance, then to sit with that realization, and see through association where it takes me. No one knows my history better than I do, if I allow myself to know it.

When I make the decision to come into conscious awareness, to find meaning in my life experience, I begin to experience life as an adventure - my adventure. When I raise the source of the unwanted pattern to consciousness to better understand where my pain or reaction stems from, I can begin to see it for what it is and let it go. Then I am no longer repeating history, I am making it. " Tian Dayton, Ph.D.

I've been sitting through the aftermath of some bad decision making on my part this week and at times my body has felt like that picture above (taken at Yellowstone). It feels like some alchemical fire is burning out all my. . . karma, for lack of a better word. Instead of continually berating myself for making some bad decisions in the first place, I am moving forward, trying hard to not get stuck in the negative emotions and to remember that in 5 minutes everything will be ok. Time to make some history.

Eclipsing Personal Myths or Advanced Truth Seeking

There is a partial solar eclipse tonight at 10:44 EST. In the language of astrology, eclipses are opportunities to either make or break patterns, or if you will, personal myths, we've set up in our lives.

All of us have personal myths that we live with and by whether we're aware of them or not. We come by these myths in a number of ways and from a number of different sources: parents, friends, teachers, our culture, and yes, we even come up with some of them all by ourselves. I've noticed that alcoholism treatment websites like to report myths about alcoholism. The most interesting thing is that there are very few real facts about alcoholism so the "myths" these sites report usually coincide with whatever treatment option they are trying to sell. On one site you'll find that they consider the "disease concept" a myth and on another you'll find that the myth is that alcoholism is a behavioral disorder.

When I went through treatment in 1988 I was told that I had a medical disease (alcoholism) that was incurable, progressive and eventually fatal. I had no reason at the time not to believe these well-meaning professionals and I accepted the diagnosis, followed the protocol (12-Steps) and stayed sober for six years. Obviously, that concept worked for me for quite awhile. At the time, I never questioned whether I actually believed any of it for myself.

But later in my life, when those concepts were no longer working so well, I was literally forced to question the validity of what I had learned . . . against my own experience. And here's what I'm finding - the more gray area the subject has, the more people become attached to their myths around it. It only makes sense that in the absence of few hard facts, myths will tend to abound. Alcoholism, eating disorders, gambling addiction, sexual addiction - all fertile ground for Facts and Myths. And here's what I'm coming to believe - your facts about your problem may be different from mine. My myths may be your facts. Your myth may be solid fact to me. It doesn't mean that I am right and you are wrong or vice versa.

In my study of archetypes, I've seen these personal myths come to life in the form of archetypal patterns of behavior. Addict. Victim. Goddess. Pioneer. Storyteller. Hedonist. When I view my behavior archetypally (which is exactly what astrology does by the way), I'm able to detach from the simmering emotions that surround the issue. Not only that, when I'm aware of other archetypal patterns I can substitute for the one causing me trouble, I'm offered a solution that doesn't require me to blame myself for anything, blame anyone else for anything, or even declare myself right and someone else wrong.

I'm beginning to form a theory about this called Advanced Truth Seeking. An Advanced Truth Seeker seeks out as much hard truth is available about any given situation (which is usually not a lot) and then decides what myth to make her truth. I think this is what most of us try to do in our lives, but we're usually not very conscious of it. That's where the Advanced part comes in. When we become conscious of it, we can decide with eyes wide open that we're going to make a particular myth our truth. I think this is the power of intention, the power of story, and the power of co-creation. I figure we're all just a myth in the eyes of the Goddess anyway.

I'm deciding on a few very empowering personal myths at this eclipse, how about you?

Something to Fear but Fear Itself

My ACL reconstruction surgery is scheduled for Friday, February 22nd at 12:00 pm. I had my first pre-surgery physical therapy appointment yesterday afternoon. The surgeon, physical therapist and physician's assistant aren't pulling any punches with me about just exactly how painful this is going to be. I know they're just trying to prepare me, but honestly, it's freaking me out. Apparently the first 48-60 hours after surgery can be pretty excruciating and I am not looking forward to it! It's keeping me awake at night.

Proactively, I can strengthen the muscles around my knee as much as possible before surgery and that will speed recovery time. Proactively, I can take care of myself and maintain a positive attitude and I know that will help. Proactively I can focus on how much better I'll be after the surgery, how I won't have to worry about protecting it so much and how within a year I should be able to do anything I want to - yoga, hike, swim, bike. But right now I am just utterly afraid. And I feel like a 3-year old pitching a tantrum about something she has to do but doesn't want to. I want to stomp my feet (well, the right one anyway), scream and yell that it's not fair!

The worst part is I have two+ more weeks to ponder it, consider how bad it will be, obsess on it, anticipate it and dread it. Or maybe I could use those weeks more constructively. Right now, though, I feel pretty powerless over the thoughts. I'm up for any and all suggestions. And as the day approaches, prayers will be appreciated.

Imbolc

Tomorrow, February 2nd, is the cross-quarter day known in the pagan religions as Imbolc. Imbolc marks the half way point between the Winter Solstice and the Spring Equinox. I have heard that Imbolc derives from words meaning "ewes milk" or "in the belly" and in the pagan religions it refers to Spring being "in the belly" of the Mother - earth. Lactating, gestating, preparing to burst forth with the lengthening hours of sun.

Imbolc is important to me because it was the first holiday I learned about when I began studying pagan religions. Also, for some reason, it has always felt like the beginning of the year to me. It feels like it "in my belly" and I don't care when you call the year over - this is my New Year's Eve.

To celebrate, I'll be visiting the Arctic Mermaid, which is what the cowboy calls the house he's building on a mountanside in Montana. I love going there because I actually rest while I'm there. When I'm home I'm always doing something. Always! Well, unless, of course, I can't walk. But when I visit him I feel free to just lie on the couch and watch movies if I want to. I don't feel compelled to be loading the washing machine or sweeping the floor or feeding the kitties.

I will cook us venison steaks with a salad and sauteed portabello mushrooms. He will keep the fire going in the old woodstove and it will be warm inside while the snow and cold await just on the other side of the wall. We will drink wine and make love and for a few hours, all will be right with the world.

Hey! I'm thinking I'm not depressed anymore! Have a great weekend. Here's an Imbolc blessing for everyone:

Blessed be the earth, and all who dwell upon it.
We give thanks for the season now departing from us,
For the blessings it has bestowed upon us,
And upon those with whom we share this world.

Blessed be the new season.
We pray that it will be a time filled with peace,
With abundance, with prosperity,
With wisdom,
With love.

Blessed be all who share this feast.
Let us now prepare for the time ahead
By opening our hearts, and our minds, and our spirits.

Blessed be.