Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Something to Fear but Fear Itself

My ACL reconstruction surgery is scheduled for Friday, February 22nd at 12:00 pm. I had my first pre-surgery physical therapy appointment yesterday afternoon. The surgeon, physical therapist and physician's assistant aren't pulling any punches with me about just exactly how painful this is going to be. I know they're just trying to prepare me, but honestly, it's freaking me out. Apparently the first 48-60 hours after surgery can be pretty excruciating and I am not looking forward to it! It's keeping me awake at night.

Proactively, I can strengthen the muscles around my knee as much as possible before surgery and that will speed recovery time. Proactively, I can take care of myself and maintain a positive attitude and I know that will help. Proactively I can focus on how much better I'll be after the surgery, how I won't have to worry about protecting it so much and how within a year I should be able to do anything I want to - yoga, hike, swim, bike. But right now I am just utterly afraid. And I feel like a 3-year old pitching a tantrum about something she has to do but doesn't want to. I want to stomp my feet (well, the right one anyway), scream and yell that it's not fair!

The worst part is I have two+ more weeks to ponder it, consider how bad it will be, obsess on it, anticipate it and dread it. Or maybe I could use those weeks more constructively. Right now, though, I feel pretty powerless over the thoughts. I'm up for any and all suggestions. And as the day approaches, prayers will be appreciated.

11 comments:

jason evans said...

Sorry you're going through this.

My thoughts are with you.

Sherri said...

Good vibes coming your way...


~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~

thailandchani said...

Good thoughts coming for you, of course. The anticipating is the worst..

c said...

You probably remember how I started praying like crazy when I got my diagnosis, and remember how I told you the answer I got so loud and clear was to stay present?

I remember I kept saying to myself: well, I'm not in pain NOW, so I guess I can have a good time.

Now that I AM in pain and having a miserable time (sniff!) I am so glad I had that time to feel great beforehand. Also, I was sending so much love to my disease and my body -- I think that might have been the most powerful thing I did, just loving myself for frickin once in my life.

I'm having trouble doing this when it comes to the chemo, so far. I'm dreading it a bit and I think I'm going to have to do some disciplined meditation to help with it, since I cannot seem to conjer up "good feelings" about it just by trying or changing my attitude. Some things require ACTION, and I love that site Sherri shares on her blog -- the Inner World with the meditation room..
Geez, I should'a sent an email instead.

Love you and I'll call later today (seeing doc at 1:00 about this pain, though)
lc

Angela said...

Thanks,everyone.

C, I keep thinking about you and how brilliantly you've handled your emotions since your diagnosis. You are a beacon toward which I turn for guidance.

Anybeth said...

hey Gail, I tried to send you a regular email to your yahoo account and it didn't work.
anybeth.

Olivia said...

I will pray for you, Angela. It is exciting that in a year you will be able to be normal again. In the meantime...I know that just breathing and staying present sounds lame.

I also know it's the answer, as I'm sure you do too. That's what I'm wanting to do and instead I'm freaking out and panicking and it's all over a silly job not a surgery! I keep telling myself to grow up and be a big girl and still I do the worry thing, which is very self-defeating.

Maybe praying for divine intervention will help too.

All I know is that if you find the key to "just doing" what you know to do, how to be a grown up woman when you feel like a little girl who wants her mommy to do it for her while she plays (that's me!)---then let me know!

Prayers, healing thoughts, and many blessings, O

Lisa said...

Is NOT having surgery an option for you? I tore my ACL fifteen years ago and after doing some research and talking to several people who had ACL reconstruction surgery, I decided it was best (for me) to live with a "damaged" knee. Perhaps surgery is what's in your best interests given the extent of your injury, but I just wanted to make sure you have explored all your options. Much love from someone who has felt your pain. I'll be sending you lots of love and healing thoughts on the 22nd, Angela.

Angela said...

Lisa,

It's not an option. It's been almost a month since the injury and it's as bad now as when I first did it. Now, I'm actually eager to have the surgery and get on the road to recovery.

Kristy said...

Good luck. Mine is scheduled for tomorrow.

Angela said...

Good luck to you, too, Kristy!!