Anonymous Poster

Well, I may have to take my friend Robyn's advice and disable anonymous commentors. Here's why. The most recent anonymous comment is not really anonymous at all. I know who wrote it and I know why he wrote it. And I don't think it's a damned bit funny.

Why do people feel the need to take jabs? I'm sorry, but I just don't get it. Don't you have enough to do? Can't you find a better hobby? Do you have any idea of the reason YOU need to lash out and hurt someone else? And if you think there was something wrong with my comment to my father, that's your sick mind, not mine.

I was having a great day until I read that comment. Although I suppose I could consider it entertaining, especially since it's so damned obvious who wrote it. Anyway, I think I'll just continue on with my day. I'm at one of my favorite places, the Kalispell Library, doing some of my favorite things; the sun is out and the little house has a fresh coat of paint that's making my life much brighter!

I met with my mental health counselor today and she's fabulous. I can't believe how much we went over in an hour and how relieved I am to find that she's just as great as my counselor in Polson was and she has a real brain in her head. It's unfortunate, but many, many professionals think they know your story already. They meet you , slap a label on you and figure out your entire life in a few minutes. Isn't that brilliant? If you can find one who actually listens, hold onto them.

I'm working on an essay about the similarities between civilization spiraling out of control and an addict spiraling out of control and the most helpful options in approaching either one. It'll be up by the end of the week. Thanks for visiting. Thanks for reading. Thanks most of you for commenting.

Hello Job, Good-bye Life?

I googled successful businesswoman images and this came up. I couldn't resist.

Anyway, the job situation is looking up with a couple of good opportunities that I'm following up on. Everything from retail store management to greenhouse assistant (which is of course just a fancy term for LABORER).

I'm eager to return to work, but it really is like "Hello, Job, Good-bye Life" if I obtain full-time work which is looking entirely possible now.

Sorry I wrote such a short post, dad. You can look a little longer. (hee hee)

Mundane Matters

I've been in Lakeside a month and am adjusting to the new location and the new live-in relationship well. The job search continues but I knew it would be difficult and I just keep applying, dropping off resumes and making contacts. Something will turn up, but I have to wonder how sustainable it will be.

In my chemical dependency group this week one of our members related a story about going to the emergency room after a suspected seizure. She takes medication for Reynaud's Syndrome which has already caused her to lose the tip of one of her fingers. She inadvertently took two 60 mg pills instead of two 30 mg pills after a prespcription change and was suffering fainting and seizure spells. When she explained to the nurse what happened, the nurse immediately said, "Well, I'll put overdose on the chart." She then proceeded to treat the woman rather poorly and implied that she shouldn't have brought her son to the emergency room with her. The woman was so shook up that talking about it caused her to burst into tears at the relating of it. She couldn't understand why the woman felt it necessary to treat her like that. I can't understand it either. I just know I've been treated the same way at times when it wasn't appropriate and it hurts.

I'm meeting one of my LSR friends for lunch today and am excited about that. It's always good to connect with other recovering people with whom I share a history.

I'm continuing my study of permaculture, the inevitable(?) collapse of civilization and how the principles of permaculture as a response to collapse relate to recovery. I'd be happy to hear opinions. Yes, that's an invitation.

Scared to Salvation

Brent and I went to church with his dad yesterday, a little country Baptist church counting a congregation of about 40 souls. Since we don't attend regularly, I really enjoy it when we do. I grew up in a Southern Baptist church and I know the hymns, the sermons and the feel. Only now I don't have to feel guilty about whether or not I am "truly" saved and I won't have nightmares about what happens if I'm not.

The pastor, Pastor Chase (not his real name of course), told a great story of his own conversion. He was a boy of 9. His parents and grandparents lived on the same property and farmed it along with other local church members. One day Pastor Chase came home from football practice to find no one home. Since they weren't in the house, he figured they were in the barn, but it too was bereft of his brethren. He could see the church two fields away and he focused hard on it, wishing and praying to see any of his kin or church brothers in the vicinity. Alas, the church was quiet. Pastor Chase was in shock. Surely the rapture had come and Jesus had taken every one of his family members and most of his friends and neighbors as well. But young Chase had obviously been left behind. It seemed especially ironic to his child's mind since he had been planning to be saved in church next week and now he would be spending his eternity in hell with a long stint of earth-bound hell before. As he sat there crying and trembling he became so caught up in his grief that he never heard the family coming up the hill from the garden until his grandmother touched him on the shoulder with a look of concern growing in her eyes. Chase went right to his knees and offered his heart to the Lord and I reckon that's about when he became Pastor Chase as well. The moral of the story? Having the bejesus scared out of you at age 9 will get you saved and to heaven for sure.

I was gifted a "get out of hell free" card before leaving and I'm feeling pretty secure with my little card in my pocket.

I experienced the same feelings, the same thought/guilt processes in my efforts to understand the religious experience of my youth, with which I no longer feel anything but the most quaint affinity, as I did attempting to understand my experience with AA. I've known for a long time that it felt the same and yesterday I understood more about why. The similarities were striking to me as they were revealed.

Attend church forever/go to meetings forever
Follow Bible literally/follow Big Book literally
Saved=Sober/Unsaved=Drinking
Witness/12-step calls

Another striking commonality: they both use fear to great advantage to get their point across. Fear of hellfire and damnation or a lifetime of drinking. In my life, they amount to the same thing.

Because the personal is political

Sometimes an anonymous commenter comes along who really makes me think. Which, in my opinion, is always a good thing. In his last comment, anonymous said, "I don't think it makes sense to say that society wants addicts in the throes of their addictions. Using behavior is unstable, expensive and anti-social."

The comment brings up a very good point. I don't think society, which is different by the way from the individuals that make up a society, consciously wants the addict in their addiction. The individuals in society don't think about it until it affects them personally, nor should they. But when the societal system is observed as a whole - objectively, it works that way. There are certain groups of people who continually get the short end of the stick. These groups are getting larger and larger in case you haven't noticed because they comprise what used to be our entire middle class.

When you say using behavior is unstable, expensive and anti-social I couldn't agree with you more. Here's the thing: everyone is addicted in this society. We're addicted to production and social mania and chasing our own asses in an ever-tightening circle. We're addicted to television, video games and Hollywood, and we're lazy. We've forgotten that good health is directly related to the foods we eat which is directly related to how we treat Mother Earth and all her creatures which is directly related to the lack of meaning most of us have acquired as a result of being part of a dysfunctional, addicted society - this society and this time, particularly.

When I write on Eclectic Recovery I'm holding a much bigger picture than myself and my little problems. This blog has never been just about me. My intent has always been to reach a certain audience who while often quite functional, is still having trouble maintaining sobriety and who is uncomfortable in the more prevalent recovery venues, i.e., AA. In the process of exploring my own issues with addiction, I've become more and more aware of how delusional our society has become as a whole and I've been following the crumbs to what could possibly heal the individual and society at the same time.

My friend, Chani, replied this to your comment: "Anonymous, I've been following this thread and I think you're not seeing the big picture. The way I interpret Angela's observation is in the more global social context. Does the social system we live in right now require an underlcass to survive? You betcha! This is basic economic reality. Addicts are judged and pushed into the underclass because there is a fundamental lack of compassion at the root of our current competitive system where some have to be on bottom for others to remain on top."

She's right. I'm always looking at how the personal relates to the global/social context. Or as my friend, Eric Francis puts it, how the personal becomes political.

Permaculture? What's that?

Brent and I drove over to Plains, a couple of valley's over, to look at some wood Brent was considering purchasing to build his front door. It's going to be gorgeous - blue pine with an authentic ship's portal for a window and a great handle which we're still hunting. We met a couple last summer at a summer fair where they were displaying his woodwork and her homemade jams, soaps and good stuff like that. We talked to them for quite awhile that day and exchanged numbers. Their names are Dan and Laurie. Dan has the wood. He's looking to come up with a few nice production pieces and produce and distribute them. He's very, very good.

Dan and Laurie have chickens, hogs, several garden areas, two lambs, fruit trees, a well, and a field mouse named Minimus for a pet. Dan and Laurie are doing permaculture and they'd never heard of it. I was in heaven. We're going back to spend some time with them this week, even though it's an hour's drive one way. Brent has already learned a lot from Dan and I'm dying to spend some time with Laurie and pick her brain about things. Starting with chickens.

I've been reading and soaking in the information at Carolyn Baker's website and have discovered some striking similarities between addiction-recovery-freedom and collapse-initiation-permaculture.

Addiction/Collapse

A/C - Spiraling out of control.
A/C - Common symptoms - denial and rationalization.
A/C - Instant gratification.
A/C - Stunted emotional growth.
A/C - Lack of meaning.
A/C - Loneliness/depression/use.

Recovery/Initiation

R/I - Forced or led out of denial.
R/I - Desire to change - pursuit of change.
R/I - Emotional growth resumes.
R/I - Meaning returns.
R/I - Connections are made and communities sought.
R/I - With meaning comes optimism and hope.

Freedom/Permaculture

F/P - Maintenance of change and continued ongoing change.
F/P - Goals become clearer, more defined.
F/P - Willing to continually delay gratification.
F/P - Inner life deepens, relationships improve.
F/P - Mental health continues improvement as meaning deepens.
F/P - Communities flourish under new rules-new definitions.

Now, that last one, that seems to be the question both personally and politically. Will communities flourish? Can people come together and do the hard work and consider the earth and each other?

Anonymous wrote me again and I'm very appreciative of his/her comments. My next post will address his comment and Chani's reply and hopefully clear some things up regarding Eclectic Recovery and what it's all about.

I start my chemical dependency group this week here in Kalispell. I'm looking forward to that and to our visit to Dan and Laurie's. Still doing my computer work at the library, but hope to write again tomorrow. In the meantime, stay sober, love each other and read ingredients.

Survival Mode

I've learned some things over the past few years. I've learned what it feels like to have homes snatched from under your feet. I've learned what it feels like to be discriminated against for everything from having addiction/mental health problems to becoming unemployed, utilizing food assistance and even losing my health insurance. Somewhere along the way I kicked into absolute survival mode: How the hell do I get through the day with so much uncertainity, when nothing is stable, least of all me?

I've learned that when you're the one attempting to survive, when decisions have to be made according to food and shelter, you start becoming free from other people's opinions, unlocked from their discriminations, uncaring of what you may or may not look like to someone else. And when other people's opinions begin to matter less, you wonder why they ever did. The world starts looking completely different.

My father told me something the other day that stuck in my mind. He said, "They haven't taken your life from you, Angela. How you live your life is still your choice. No one can take that from you." He's always been brighter than your average dad.

Coming to understand how I contributed to the chaos does nothing to change that it's occurring, but still it tugs on my mind, inviting me to fall into yet another rabbit hole when what is really called for is courage and perserverance; peace of mind and compassion. I think our dear departed Michael said it well when he said start with the one in the mirror. When that is intact, begin to move out - chin up, head high, just looking next for what needs to be done. AA calls it "doing the next right thing." I like that.

As loss began to permeate the very air I breathe, I began to feel other tugs at night, other callings. I heard her moan and followed into deep mysteries, transfixed; stunned even. What have we been doing? To ourselves? To our clan? To her? When are we going to stop it?

Even if the destruction stopped right now today, even if wealth were distributed equitably and we stopped raping and pillaging the earth today, would it be enough? I swear. I wonder. Too many people. Too much damage. Not enough caring.

And yet each day I personally feel stronger, more centered, more sober, more playful, more alive and more healthy as I begin to see what really is instead of what I wish were. I still hold the vision of a highest good for all, but I work with what's in front of me. Alcohol makes that impossible. Society needs the addict/alcoholic to be distracted and unaware and without thought except for where the next fix comes from. Because when they start waking up, they can see how things are and they won't settle for it. I won't. Will you?

Practicality is not Apocalyptic

Okay. So I knew Brent's house would be a challenge to clean and organize. I ask you - how can 5,000 tacky little trinkets all have sentimental value? It's not possible. We're about figuring out what really has value and how best to maintain and enhance that value. And no, I'm not talking about trinkets.

Anyway, I've begun the permaculture campaign, and there are more obstacles to overcome than the ones in Brent's brain. We live right up against the mountain and the forest blocks most of the daylight. Sun isn't required for chickens, but they will be highly susceptible to finding themselves critter chow even with a well-built coop. In other words, Brent says no right now. I'm still shooting for the chickens, though; at least they don't require constant sun.

I've decided that the most common sense, practical piece for us right now would be a root cellar. We can dig it right into the mountain, have storage and a storm-shelter and a great place for ritual and respite. I was just asking Brent last summer to make me a hollow in the earth; a place where I could go lie and feel her heartbeat and her comfort. The campaign continues.

Brent and I are agreed about where society and even our entire civilization is headed. I asked him how he would describe collapse as we've been reading about in one sentence and he said, " Collapse of the entire system. Globally." Take just a few minutes to think about this right now. Just consider the possibility of your food sources drying up, of severely limited communication and travel, of a lack of clean water, just for starters. What about medications, first aid and self-protection - how long could you survive without these things? And if you'd rather not ponder the collapse of civilization, ponder the next earthquake, the next tornado, hurricane or flood. How could you begin to prepare better for these very real possibilities?

Now, go live your life for a week and don't think about it anymore.

For one who has

perception,

A mere sign is enough.

For one who does not heed,

a thousand explanations

are not enough.

Hajji Becktash Wali - 13th century Persian mystic

When you get past your fear, start here: google Carolyn Baker

Life on the Mountain

Well, life on the mountain is good so far. I awakened at 4am Monday morning and got up to enjoy the full moon in a clear starry sky. As I was watching the moon begin her descent, I noticed a faint green streaking in the sky. At first I thought it was just funny looking clouds but I realized soon enough that it was the aurora bourealis. The flashing gave it away - tendrils of pale green etheric mist that literally flashed across the sky. It felt like a blessing. It felt like a homecoming.

Brent and I slept in the "big" house and the "little" house was therefore quite cool in the wee morning hours so I decided to get a fire in the woodstove going. I thought I knew how to build a fire. It took me an hour to get the damned thing going; every time I was sure it was lit I'd busy myself somewhere else (like outside with the moon and the aurora) and when I checked it again it would be out. It became a highly personal challenge to get that house warm before Brent got up and came down and I felt like I'd passed an initiation when it finally blazed for good.

I unfortunately had to forego the permaculture workshop. My brakes started grinding when I left Butte and I needed to get to Lakeside as quickly as possible in order to have them repaired. I'm on the lookout for another workshop here though and am doing as much reading as possible on permaculture and something I believe is becoming very important: collapse-awareness.

I was asked recently if my vision is for Brent and me to be the hub of a permaculture movement within our community and that's very close. The truth is the vision has been percolating for some time but I haven't been able to define it - I just keep working my way through each challenge that arises, attempting to put all the pieces together. The idea has always been that whatever end it came to it's my hope that it helps a lot more people than just me. That's actually beginning to look possible. At the same time, there's just no telling what it will look like.

I will, of course, be writing more. And as soon as possible, but right now I have to drive in to the Kalispell library which is a 20-mile one-way trip to use the computer. In the meantime, I'll continue to gather my thoughts, continue to research and continue to speak my truth. What else is a girl gonna do? Love a cowboy or something??