Day 16

I "enrolled" at the chemical dependency center yesterday. Enrollment consisted of several questionnaires, most asking the same questions in different ways, about my alcohol and drug use. It was a difficult, but necessary exercise that put me into quite a funk. My assessment is scheduled for March 25th. I knew it would be a wait, but I didn't think it would be an entire month. I found myself thinking that by then I probably won't need the treatment and then I thought, "Are you crazy!!??!! You've been fighting this thing for 30 years! Do whatever you need to do now to ensure long-term sobriety!" That's the insidious nature of alcoholism. It warps your thinking.

We had a late winter blizzard to blow in. It snowed over a foot in 24 hours and the wind-blown snow created very low visibility and literally blasted your face as soon as you went outside. I went to work for two hours, shoveled 7-8 inches off the steps, and by the time I left, you could hardly tell they'd been touched. I was covered in snow every time I got in and out of my car and was soaked until I could get home and change. One of the things I love about living here so much is the snow, but I have to say that this wasn't fun snow. It sure will be great on top of the mountain this weekend, though.

Today is a therapy appointment, a little work, a work-out and an AA meeting. I'm actively participating on the LSR list again and it's been so helpful. Also, a friend of mine sent me this link for the Buddhist Recovery Network. It's a beautiful site with great information. I'm not Buddhist; my spirituality is eclectic, just like my recovery, but I've found many Buddhist practices helpful in my life - especially vipassana (insight or mindfulness) meditation, which I'm managing to do for about 5 minutes at a time right now. Not much, but it's a start.

Just got a phone call from my co-worker and agreed to baby-sit her three toddlers while she and her husband see a movie. Okay. It's official. I have lost my mind. That's okay as long as I don't drink. Thanks for visiting.

Gathering Allies

I'm lucky I haven't alienated everyone that could be a recovery ally for me. I know a lot of people abandoned this blog because it became more of a "how can I continue to drink" blog than a recovery blog and I don't blame them. While it's obvious that many of my methods were ill-advised and clearly not working, I think it was a process I needed to go through. At any rate, it is a process that I did go through and I am now at a point where I'm thoroughly convinced that drinking at all will not work for me. For a long, long time drinking continued to offer me some relief from the ups and downs of everyday life. Now I find myself longing for just a sense of normalcy - for just that everyday life that I've been running from. Since November, not only has drinking stopped working, it has made everything exponentially worse. My confidence plummeted, I felt abandoned by the sense of grace that had infused the 35 days I did remain sober and the depression/anxiety quickly became unbearable.

So I'm gathering recovery allies around me, my kalyana mittas, my spiritual friends. With their guidance and assistance, I am bound to succeed.

Kalyana Mitta

Kalyana Mitta is a word in the Pali language meaning "spiritual friend." One of the Buddha's disciples once said to him: "It seems, venerable sir, that half the holy life is having good spiritual friends." The Buddha replied: "In fact, the whole of the holy life is having good spiritual friends."

Day 8

Thank you so much for your comments and prayers. I so appreciate the people I've befriended through the blogging community.

I won't be able to get into the treatment center right away, and possibly not at all. But I'm sure I'll do some out-patient treatment if that doesn't work out. I wish I could get things moving faster but for now I just have to stay sober and wait and see how things develop. I have an appointment on Thursday to enroll at the chemical dependency center here. After that, I will be scheduled for an assessment and it will be decided whether in-pateint or out-patient is more appropriate.

In the meantime I have been attending AA meetings and sticking close to my sober friends. I find my heart re-opening to the value of AA even though I still have a difficult time with some aspects of it. I have a very good friend who has had me over to dinner twice this week and is checking in with me daily. Also, my friend, Pam, from Georgia is keeping in close touch and may even be coming back out for another visit soon. I've rejoined the LSR Safe e-mail list where I also have many friends and support. Both of my employers are understanding and are willing to work with me through this and my family is always a source of great love and compassion. I really have everything I need to begin this journey and 8 days is a good start.

Hopefully, this blog will improve right along with me.

Use a Feather

I went on a little trip last weekend. An unplanned, undesired but voluntary trip to a nearby psych ward/detox. Despite my best efforts, my depression continued to worsen, my mind spiraling downward like water through a drain, being sucked by forces I could no longer control and making a midnight swim in Flathead Lake in the middle of winter seem like a better and better idea. I don't think I would ever do that. But the thoughts were there, like comfort food - macaroni & cheese and chocolate cake for the unbearable quality of my feelings. So I checked myself in last Thursday in an act of fear and desperation borne of the delusion I've been living under for years. I'm sure I have many delusions, but I'm talking about the big one, the alcohol one, the one I've been writing about here, the one I thought I could handle, control, abate or just learn to live with.

I want to tell you something about the people in a psych ward. The majority of them are people just like you and me; people who at one time were living their lives more or less successfully, peoople who finally reached an impasse they couldn't manuever alone. People who had lost or were losing spouses, people who had lost jobs, people who had one domino fall and sat helplessly or fought valiantly to keep the rest from crashing down on them. Good people.

I wanted out within 24 hours. Oh yes, I'm sure I can handle it now, I'm sure I'll be okay, I'm sure I won't dive right back into a bottle of vodka. I stayed until Monday and by then I was realizing my mistake. I had sought means of moderation where none existed. I had thought that because I didn't drink and drive or drink at work or drink a pint of vodka a night like I used to, I was making progress. I had willingly embraced concepts that aren't true for me: you can analyze this thing away, you can get to the core of it and heal it, you can drink normally, you can, you can, you can. All the while drinking, drinking, drinking.

Grace had re-entered my life last November when I went 35 days without drinking. But I couldn't sustain it; it slipped from my grasp like a slippery fish from a mountain stream, splashing back into the water and swimming away from me, becoming a tiny speck in the cool green, and then gone. I've been sober since I got out, but I'm not under the illusion anymore. I'm not kidding myself that I can sustain it without further help and so I'm going for it. I will go for further treatment. I will go to AA meetings. I will re-join LSR. I will follow doctor's orders. I will use every means at my disposal to get sober and stay that way before there's nothing left of me. I'm one of the lucky ones.

I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow where I hope to obtain a referral to a state-run chemical dependency facility that I've heard good things about. A place where I can rest, re-educate myself about this thing I live with, and re-gain the strength I need to keep ahold of that grace when it comes calling. And if I feel the need to beat myself up about it all, I will use a feather.

The Art of Living

As I continue through the process of re-examining the past as it relates to the problems I've had with addiction, I am also revisiting those things that have previously proven helpful to me but that I've gotten away from for whatever reason. Things like meditation, yoga, mindfulness, prayer and ritual.

I attended a party, an Obama-rama actually, given by my fabulous friend, Cyndi, a couple of weeks ago. There was a beautiful couple there that did African drumming and dance and their positivity and energy was awe-inspiring. You know how it's just obvious when you run across people that are living their lives to the fullest and spreading their light everywhere they go? Much like my friend Cyndi herself, and a lot of my blogging friends I might add.

Well, I subsequently received an e-mail from Cyndi about a course that the woman is offering right here in Polson called The Art of Living. Now normally this is not something I would be able to afford right now, but she's offering it at a ridiculously low price and I'm so excited that I'll be able to participate Feb. 20-24! Sometimes the universe offers the perfect gift at the perfect time and this feels like one of those.

The Snake That Bit You

If something hurts you really bad

make an icon of it and put it in your sanctuary

hang it from the mirror of your car

or tuck it next to the pillow of your bed



Record the sickening thud and play it

until you fall peacefully asleep

Recall the heat of that searing shame

until it wells up in you like a cool breath



And if a poisonous snake should bite you

make a bronze cast of it and put it in a high place

Then raise your eyes to it considering well

that you are still alive, though changed



See the gaps where you have bled and

take the stitches from your closed wounds

weaving them into a mantle that you wear

for your morning and evening prayer



And if grace and goodness should require

that you look into the eyes of certain death

recall the transformations you have known

and go there knowing well . . . .



Anne Benvenuti 2006

I found this poem in the 2008 We'Moon calendar. It really speaks to me. I tried to locate the author but found a couple of Anne Benvenuti's and wasn't sure which one she was. I'd like to thank her.

You Don't Say?

This is my horoscope for this week from one of my favorite astrologists, D. K. Brainard. You can check him out at Words for the People.

Scorpio - Mars, your ruling planet, moves into your 4th House Wednesday for a six-week stay. The 4th House symbolizes the roots of your being, your foundation. On the level of samsara, or the illusion of the world, the 4th House symbolizes home, family, and the emotional patterns that grew out of your experiences of these. As you'll recall, last week's solar eclipse landed in this same area of your chart. This was an exceptionally beneficial eclipse, indicating you're now in the process of fundamentally reframing these experiences. Ideally, the outcome of this process of reinterpretation is that you are free to relate to life as a mature, powerful adult, rather than unconsciously reacting with the same fears and expectations that were burned into your mind in childhood. Mars wants to help you accelerate this process of self-exploration and release; any time you feel stuck, you can move the energy by doing something in the home. Now would be an exceptionally good time to start a home-based project such as painting the walls, refinishing the floors, or systematically going through your stuff and getting rid of anything you no longer need.

This astrology perfectly describes the position I now find myself in - one of rehashing some key things that happened in my life and becoming more aware of the ways I unconsciously continue to act on these ancient happenings. For most people, me included, that means looking back at my childhood and the people who were important in my childhood, my immediate family being first and foremost. Anyone who has ever attempted a journey such as this knows it's not an easy thing. I suppose a majority of people never really understand the ways in which they have been shaped by their family, their society, their religion and their own mind. I think I know why. It's mind-blowing!

It's also very freeing. I've known these "facts" about my life for so long, but have never examined them in the thoughtful, nonjudgmental way that I find myself doing now. Don't get me wrong; I've taken a hard look at these events before, but there was always still too much judgmentalism in my own mind to be clear about them. I had to reach a point of complete willingness to forgive - to forgive myself first of all and then everyone who I felt had hurt me in some way. That's what the depression was about and it is lifting as each day I feel the freedom of finding out who I really am.

This feels like a foundation to me; a foundation for a happier, healthier, more productive life.