Looking In

We are reflections of the divine life force. While science may not yet be able to "prove" this fact, more and more evidence is available to the seeker that it is so. As reflections of this creative source the place to look for it, the place to be close to it, is within our own selves, the universe that is us. This requires stillness, reflection on our reflection and assistance.

I have been taught, as all of us westerners have, to look outside ourselves for this source, this authority. Once, it seemed I had found this source through AA - I remained sober, my "outer" life improved and I had the approval of all who knew me. But it was an illusion as all outside sources are illusion.

I've been through my own personal hell in the past fifteen years. When the outside source I had come to rely on failed me, I turned my back on seeking at all for some time and when I began again I was very lost. I attempted again and again to return to that outside source and when the connection was not there I turned back to alcohol for consolation. I became caught in a web of approval-seeking, guilt, confusion and making sure I did everything on the outside to look like I was changing on the inside. That particular course of action led me to a psychiatric ward last February, thinking of suicide and being dogged by anxiety and depression every waking moment.

It's a paradox that some of the outside sources we seek may actually be able to help us to the spiritual authority inside us - which is why AA works well for some, why religion can assist, and why family and commuity support is so vital. The mental health and addiction counseling is providing me that assistance now, as well as the support of my family and friends, my on-line sobriety group and all the unseen assistance I feel coming my way. But none of these are my authority, they are only helping me observe my own connection to the spiritual authority that resides within me, and within all of us.

The "anxiety and depression" I felt are being transmuted into kundalini awakening, the awakening of the divine energy that lies in the base of the spine. This energy is begging my attention, my focus and my commitment. Doctors will call it neurosis, menopause, delusion, but I'm not asking them anymore. I've begun practicing kundalini yoga to help me engage this energy. This energy is nothing less than the energy of creation. It lives in all of us and desires our engagement above all else. The body is a gateway, the senses portals, the natural world a spiritual testing ground. My use and abuse of alcohol and drugs was a misguided and unconscious attempt to engage this energy. I'm beginning to use the body, the senses and the natural world as my tools for cooperation.

I didn't know if I would be able to write clearly about this. It's a very difficult thing to put into words; it's a very difficult thing to experience - life. Just think about that word. LIFE. This is it.

Will you, like the doctors, think it's delusion, mild psychosis or plain old insanity? Honestly, I could care less. But I've decided to keep writing about it as best I can, as openly and as clearly as I can because this can be my tool of worship. And life is deserving of our praise. Now, I've got to go practice some "breath of fire."

Take care.