New Moon in Taurus Intentions

As part of my medicine wheel journey, I am setting intentions at each new moon and following up on them at the full moon. The New Moon in Taurus was exact last night, which is why I give myself three days on either side of the new and full moons to fulfill my contract. I like being aware of the moon's phase and sign so I'm pretty good at keeping close to when the aspects are almost exact. The aspect of the new moon is a conjunction of the moon and sun, when they occupy the same space on the eclicptic from earth's view. The full moon is when they are opposite each other (180 degrees apart) on the eclipitic, when that old full moon magic comes alive.

One of the websites I find invaluable in tracking the moon's phases and signs, and to read great articles on the new and full moons each month is Mooncircles. Here is an excerpt from an article by Jean Linson Hall on last night's new moon:

The Moon, the Mother of all, is exalted in Taurus: it is here in the Fixed Earth sign that her birthing, nourishing and sustaining activity can work to greatest effect. Taurus describes our primary experience of the material world through the senses. Think of the way a baby discovers its own body as separate from that of the mother and learns what brings pleasure and what brings discomfort or pain. A child who, in this phase of development, is physically nourished, affirmed, comforted and soothed will learn self-care, self-affirmation, and self-soothing - essential skills for a healthy and fulfilled life. These Taurean experiences provide the basis for a stable, embodied sense of self and a confidence in the reliability of one's perceptions of the world. As the Sun and Moon meet in this sign each year, we can renew or repair our connection to the senses, our joy in the body, our sense of proportion and our trust in the physical world. Venus teaches not only the proper appreciation and care of the body but also the soulfulness of stuff and the spirituality of everyday existence. Proper attention to her rituals helps assure that our big projects will serve the Earth rather than exploit and harm it.

Perhaps you already have your own Taurean rituals: gardening, painting, singing, writing poetry, hanging out laundry, baking bread. Even more fundamental is the care and adornment of one's own body. If you feel tired and stressed, it would not be impious to organize your New Moon meditation around a restorative bath!

From this foundation of love, imagine the things you hope to create in the coming year. Commit yourself to doing your small but significant part in the renewal of the world. Ask the Earth for support and the heavens for continued inspiration. Picture the first steps you will take. At the end of your meditation, do one thing - make a sketch, a schedule, a phone call — to launch your project into tangible existence.

Tonight, all the moving, and packing, and painting, and stress is stopping. My intentions for this new moon are:

1) Maintain the self-care routines I've begun in the past month; i.e., exercise, nutrition, downtime, etc. beginning with a new moon bath meditation/ritual tonight.

2) Focus on getting to know my new job and doing it well.

3) Continue LSR Safe, AA meeting attendance and sign up with Flathead County CD.

I've posted a vision board before. Here is one I made while in the hospital:

And here is one I made Wednesday evening:

I love doing vision boards and will have to do a post on them soon. I've decided to make a vision board for each of the four directions on the medicine wheel. The one above is East, which is where I am now through Summer Solstice.

Wishing you all a safe and peaceful dark of the moon.

Sunrise Vista Inn

So here's a picture of my little house. See that roof-line in the background? That's the owner's house and trust me, that's a tiny piece of it. On the other side is Flathead Lake and views of the Swan Range which I will post soon.

I wanted to do before and after pictures of everything Brent and I do to the place, but that boy works so fast I can hardly keep up with him. His first big project was re-building the little arbor over the entrance to the office and he ripped that thing down before I had a chance to photograph it. Here's halfway through:

We've painted the laundry room, bedroom and kitchen now and Brent's done some landscaping work. Today the new vinyl flooring (for god's sake don't call it linoleum if you don't want to date yourself!) and carpet are being laid. Still to be done is shampooing the carpet that's not being replaced, figuring out something for the inside of the kitchen cabinets which I don't think I can live with the way they are (any ideas?), finish any painting and try to talk Rex (the owner) into replacing the kitchen sink. Brent is very high-energy and it's been a challenge working with him. His ability to get things done, and fast, is impressive but his approach with his co-workers (um, that would be me) could use some work. Do you know you can kill more flies with honey than with vinegar? Honey's dripping all over.

Have I mentioned there's not a level floor in the place? Check this out:

This is the back door and part of the yard, which is fenced all around and sits at the bottom of a little hill, actually the whole thing sits at the bottom of a hill! It's kind of like being in a vortex and and there's no fixing that. But, hey, it's all an adventure anyway. And finally, the hotel:

I spend most of my time vacillating between being very excited and wondering what in the hell I've gotten myself into. All your prayers will be appreciated.

Spring Sobriety

This was the view at sunrise yesterday morning. I'm going to miss it. I'm going to miss Polson. I'll only be 40 miles north, but in Montana you learn quickly that you're a long way from anywhere. That's why we like it.

I was up early to meet Brent in Lakeside and paint a couple of the rooms in the house where I'm moving. It's one of those houses where you don't realize how much needs to be done until you start doing it. We painted the bedroom and laundry room and Sunday we're painting the kitchen. There's a new piece of carpet coming in and new linoleum in the kitchen and laundry. Still, it's kinda old and kinda funky, and I think I'm going to love it.

The little side yard actually gets sun almost all day. I already have my veggie, edible flower and herb list to purchase seeds so I can get them planted as soon as I'm moved in. Brent is going to make some planter boxes and there are tons of containers already at the place. The yard is really sloped so planting directly into the soil would be difficult. I am so looking forward to growing some of my own food! I've never grown much besides a few herbs, flowers and plants so it's going to be a new adventure. I'm even trying to talk Brent into some laying hens so we can have fresh organic eggs. If he goes for that, a goat for goat's milk is next.

I want to tell ya'll a funny story. Brent and I were taking a break from painting yesterday and we saw a woman, a rather middle-aged, rather frumpy plump lass walking down the sidewalk with a stack of neatly folded towels in her arms. She was working at another hotel in town and Brent said, "Oh, look honey, there you are." referring to my new position which will indeed include laundering, folding and delivering towels. Immediately my comforting visions of myself as the inn-keeper, the gracious hostess, the person who really makes a place special, the organic gardener, came crashing down around my head. Dripping sarcasm, I said, "Thanks, Brent. I was trying to color that a little differently." We met eyes for a moment and both started laughing out loud. The second thoughts I'd been having all morning, thoughts about the conditon of the place, how much really needs to be done in the house, the work, the learning curve (I don't make a perfect bed!) - just poof, disappeared. Suddenly it didn't matter that I've never run an inn, or cleaned professionally, or worked in a hotel because I know I'm going in with very few, if any, illusions. I'm up for it. I think I'm really up for it. I'm also marking this post so I can return to it in the middle of July when I haven't had a break for god knows when and I want to drop in a heap, so I can remind myself that I was really, really up for it!


Sobriety makes the whole world possible.

Thoughts at 63 Days

The main thought that I'm having at 63 days of sobriety is that I'm so very grateful to be alive and not drinking. It's been a very hard-won decision for me, to finally admit that I have to give up the alcohol. Most days I just can't figure out what took me so long and then I decide that I don't care as long as I am sober NOW.

I'm slightly overwhelmed at everything that has to happen in the next two weeks, but I am plodding along, making slow, steady progress. All of the change is good change, but you know what they say. It's still stressful. And it is. So I'm remaining as focused on my self-care as I possibly can. Between errands, I worked out and tonight I'm going to make a nice dinner and relax. I'm going to miss the Wednesday night AA meeting that I've been going to but I will definitely go next week and probably this Friday as well. I want to invite everyone to visit me in Lakeside!

Tomorrow morning I'm meeting Brent at the Inn and we're going to paint one of the rooms and do some other pre-moving preparations. Have I mentioned how really incredible this guy is being? A year and a half after first meeting, we have fallen deeply in love. He's a rock. He's passionate, sexy, a little bit crazy and flamboyantly creative. Hey, everybody's gotta be a little eccentric don't you think? When I was drinking heavily, I couldn't see Brent, and he couldn't see me. Well, let me just tell you, we've got eyes now. I am very, very surprised! And absolutely, positively delighted!

So I'll be working in Lakeside all day tomorrow and Friday morning I have an appointment with my therapist and an appointment to get my windshield fixed - which is about two years overdue! At least! Oh, and don't forget the bleeping taxes. Good lord, who has time to do anything?

Oh. And I bought a new computer! Which I will have when I move and I am so looking forward to getting back up to speed. In all possible ways. Be well.

Full Moon in Libra

I've done well with following through on the intentions I set at the new moon. As part of my time in the East, from the spring equinox to the summer solstice, I have been practicing very, very good self-care habits. I exercise several times a week (okay, usually 3), sauna 3-4 times a week, I'm eating whole, healthy, organic as much as possible - lots of fruits and vegetables (okay, and some chocolate), I'm allowing myself to rest as much and as often as I need to and I'm taking long frothy baths and shopping with friends and painting my toenails fire-engine red and okay, better stop right there.

But the most important thing, the main thing, priority #1, is I'm staying sober.

It's a good thing I've given myself this time because it's all going to change very soon. Like immediately! I obtained a job managing a little hotel in Lakeside, MT called the Sunrise Vista Inn. The name is something of a joke because it's really the owner's house that now constitutes what once was a very sweet view of Flathead Lake. Now you get to watch the sunrise over the rooftop of his gigantic house! The job starts May 1st. It looks like I will move the weekend before that - which is only two weeks away!

I can't begin to express how excited I am about this and how grateful I feel for the opportunity. The job runs from May-September and comes with a rent-free house all year round for the manager. Um, that would be me. The next two weeks will be a whirlwind of packing and moving and I groan now to think of it. But I hope that once I'm in there will be a breathing period before the busy months of July and August.

Also, this puts a serious kink in my outside treatment plans. I know I will continue to see a therapist, but I'll have to get a new one in the county where I'm moving. I don't think I can do any additional groups or other therapy. I'll be lucky to get to the occasional AA meeting. I am not going into any fear over this, but I want to stay very aware of the choices I'm making and monitor how well I'm responding to those choices. And of course how everyone around me is responding as well! My commitment to sobriety is stronger than ever.

I feel an affinity with nature that grounds me to the earth and tells me that she needs healing as much as I. I want to grow a few simple clean vegetables and live simply, working hard and enjoying the fruits of my labor. I want to cultivate peace and good will and cooperation. My heart is a repository. Of course, there is always that batshit thing I could do. Sober, of course.

It's a Health Crisis

It's helping me a lot to view alcoholism as a health crisis. Nothing less. And nothing more. When I went through treatment in 1988 I was provided a good education on the physical consequences of alcohol and drug abuse. I was 27 years old and despite many years of heavy cocaine and alcohol abuse, I was still in good health and my desire to live was strong. I had been attending some 12 step meetings prior to treatment, but I remember finding the program very confusing and as they say, I just didn't "get it". However, after going through treatment I got that alcoholism and drug addiction were killers and that I was quick headed to an early grave if I didn't stop. I became extremely motivated to stay sober in order to live a healthier happier life and I became willing to do whatever it took to ensure my sobriety.

In the six years that I remained sober following treatment, I fully regained my physical health. But there's a catch. My mental, spiritual and emotional health did not follow suit. It wasn't anything you could actually see from the outside; I wasn't batshit crazy or anything, but I ignored many an inner urging regarding the program that had been promoted to me as the cure for my problem. News Flash! Quick way to acting batshit crazy on the outside: ignore inner urgings. To be perfectly honest, it didn't bother me enough at the time to make a big deal of it. I was sober and I knew I was doing all the right things to stay that way.

But it brings up the AA concept of "attraction vs. promotion". What AA means by this is that they will be available if you have want of their help, but they will not promote themselves. It's a great organizational tradition. Here is the long form:

11.) Our relations with the general public should be characterized by personal anonymity. We think A.A. ought to avoid sensational advertising. Our names and pictures as A.A. members ought not be broadcast, filmed, or publicly printed. Our public relations should be guided by the principle of attraction rather than promotion. There is never need to praise ourselves. We feel it better to let our friends recommend us.

However, my experience was that AA was heavily promoted to me and I think that's not entirely AA's fault - the treatment industry became AA's new best friend and found a way to make a lot of money with a ready-made program. It was easy; a no-brainer. Send everyone to AA; if they don't grasp the program, well, it's probably their fault.

The tradition above seems in stark contrast to the one below, which states:

5.) Each group has but one primary purpose-to carry its message to the alcoholic who still suffers.

I just saw a television advertisement for AA not two days ago. I could possibly see this as "attraction vs. promotion" if it weren't for the fact that virtually everyone on the planet knows what and who AA is and how to find them. So I have to wonder why expensive televison adverstising would be considered "attraction." Carrying a message sounds distinctly like promotion and I certainly felt it had been promoted to me at the treatment facility in 1988.

It's the same type of discrepancy that bugs me about the steps as a solution. Even if you don't want to call alcoholism a disease, no one can deny that it constitutes a major health crisis. I think for some the crisis may be primarily mental, for others physical and still for others spiritual. But every aspect of life is involved in the manifestation of the problem. AA focuses fully and entirely on the spiritual aspect. Maybe for those people whose primary manifestation is spiritual, AA works very well and for others the primary manifestation is physical, or mental (depression/anxiety) and the focus on overcoming resentment and anger, identifying character defects and making amends, is not all that helpful to a person who doesn't feel extreme resentment or anger and who is all too aware of her "defects of character". I don't want it to sound like I've never dealt with these emotions. Of course, we all have. But they just weren't my primary, or even secondary, emotions. The negative emotions that plague me are guilt and self-recrimination; much more inner than outer directed emotions. I suppose it could be argued that they are flip sides of the same coin, but it seems an important distinction in my own epxerience.

This all makes perfect sense to me. Which could mean a number of things, from I'm on to something here to I'm completely delusional. I guess we'll all just have to stay tuned.

A Community

I'd like to introduce some of you to each other and talk a little bit about the face to face community here in the semi-wildlands of NW Montana, USA (funny, I don't feel so ashamed of claiming that anymore - the USA part), very close to the no-doubt-about-it-sure-enough wildlands of grizzly bear and spotted trout and mountain, where a few of us choose to live and create our lives.

My friend, Claudia, and I went to see another friend of ours from AA yesterday. Zelda is a little spitfire who got sober 2 years ago and now lies wasting in a bed, cancer ravaging her tiny body. Zelda is not old, she's maybe in her mid-50's, but her life has been hard and it shows. Her eyes are piercing blue-white and they are not fading with her body; if anything, they are brightening. I'm not as close to Zelda as Claudia, not really a part of the AA inner circle, and I was uncomfortable about going. And I'm not sure if she wanted me there or not. But I'm glad I went. I think if I were in that bed I would be very happy to have Zelda visit me.

Claudia and my friend, Julie, aka Alley Grazer have always been giving of their time, their love, their homes and food and friendship. We have watched each other's children grow, animals and parents die and we have watched many of us battle cancer, and we gather around each other when we need to which is often. How could I have ever thought alcohol could replace this?

Claudia will have a book published next year and the entire community is looking forward to a huge celebration! Last year, we celebrated Jennifer Graf-Groneberg's book, Roadmap to Holland. Jennifer, Claudia and I are in a writer's group that's been meeting once a month for over three years. It was a thrilling experience to be involved with both Jennifer and Claudia through the process of writing their respective books. Wouldn't you know? Both books are geard towards helping others!

I've written more than once about my friend, and now employer, Roberta, and the effect she's had on my life. Everyone needs a role model and man did I ever choose a good one. Roberta serves as matriarch/mentor/counselor to a lot of women in our community. Working and playing in the beautiful space she's created is an ever-expanding delight.

These women form the inner circle of my life in Montana, along with Brent of course. And if that weren't great enough I have another circle of friends and support on the other side of the country. People with whom I share deep history from the deep south. I'll be writing more about all of them as I continue on my sober journey. Affection and pride in our community of human beings sits well with my heart tonight.