Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Intense Pressure

This term, intense pressure, is the best description I've come up with thus far to describe the past few months of my life. I have felt an increasing sense of urgency to DECIDE NOW! how I will live the next 20 years of my life. Making decisions at 47 years of age is a world away from making them at 27 or 37.

I'm in a somewhat precarious situation here in Montana - 2000 miles away from family and life-time friends. There is a business in Georgia that I could run if I decided to go back and my inability to find full-time employment here is creating a lot of financial stress. I have been considering moving in with Brent and attending the college in Kalispell, but I don't think I'm ready to live with him, or anyone.

What I'm realizing is that I can't make any of these decisions while I'm still feeling the intense pressure to DECIDE!. What I can do is stay sober one day at a time and do what is in front of me to do today. The time will come when the decisions are to be made and I can trust that when that time arrives, I will be ready.

In the meantime, there are chores to do and days to live, free of the burden of alcohol and fully participating in my own life and the lives of those I love.


Sherri said...

Hear, hear. I hate making decisions, because it's almost like the very act of trying to make a decision changes the circumstances I'm weighing. That make sense? Probably not. Anyway, when I was buying this car I felt paralyzed by the fear of making the wrong decision, but when I decided to stop weighing and start listening, it all fell into place. Seems like that's what you're doing, too. It's even harder when it's your whole life you're trying to relax about, so good luck. It'll all work out. :)

Olivia said...

Good for you for not pushing and whipping yourself when you are not yet ready. And for prioritizing your sobriety. You will know what is right when the time is right and not before---I adhere to this idea in my own life, and in fact am doing so right now. Again, good, good, good for you! Love, O

julesgp187 said...

I call that future-worrying. It's is had to stop your head from spinning, but by taking the right steps for yourself in term sof your sobriety you'll end up with the emotional/mental space to make the other decisions.

pvslayer said...

All I can do is applaud these great comments, and you, of course: Angela if you only knew what an incredibly graceful and intelligent job you're doing of dealing with this very difficult disease. You are an inspiration to me and one of the best models I've ever had for having an open mind and always questioning authority. Also: I like your flair for interior decoration, too.
And writing.
And cooking.
And dressing.
And speaking your mind.
And knowing when not to.

love you a whole lot,

Anonymous said...

Lovely to hear you sounding so positive and strong.

Love as ever

Mary LA

Angela said...

Wow. I appreciate everyone's comments so much. The pressure is lessening as I move through each day with sobriety as my number one priority.

Olivia, to not have alcoholism, you are one of the most understanding people I know. That is a true gift.

Anonymous said...

Sweet pea

I have given you a blog award, you creative woman. Indescision and decision-making is always fraught.


Gabriella Moonlight said...

I read Louisey's blog each time she posts and she posted an award to you so I am now going to read you!!!

Sounds like you are just staying in the day and letting your HP decide for you what your next step will be...way to go!

BTW: I love Free Will Astrology!!!

vicariousrising said...

That's a lot of unnecessary pressure. All you need to decide for certain today is to not drink. The rest will come to you if you let it. At least that's what my therapist has told me, and it seems to have born out. Besides, there are few decisions that are irreversible. Which is not to say to be rash, but learning to get through one day at a time is a pretty fantastic goal to meet. There's loads of non-addict people who don't successfully do this either. You're on a life long journey... no need to rush.

Angela said...

Gabriella and Vicarious,

Thank you for visiting Eclectic Recovery! I will enjoy adding your blogs to my list!