I Believe in Magic

A person that I know from AA in this town was riding his bike past my house the other day. I was watering my plants and hollered a hello his direction. He stopped and asked me why I stopped going to AA. There was no judgment in his question, just simple curiosity. Because I wasn't immediately put on the defensive (because usually this question is asked in a quite accusatory manner), I was able to formulate a short concise answer that is the truth for me. And this is it.

I do not believe that because you once had an alcohol or addiction problem, that it is a lifelong sentence. Part of the foundation of AA, and really, most recovery programs, is that the old cliche', "once an addict, always an addict" is true for everyone, all the time, forever and ever Amen.

Here's what I do believe in. I believe in growth and grace and evolvement. I believe that limiting yourself with beliefs like "once an addict, always an addict" makes that true for you and that's the only thing that makes it true for you. I believe in intention and the right arrangement of desire and self-discipline and I believe in throwing it all to the wind at times. I believe that one must be very, very careful what they decide to believe and be willing to toss beliefs that no longer work and try on new ones to see if they do. I believe that any fracture in a human soul or psyche is up for complete and total healing at all times if we're open to it and I believe there are forces that aid us in making that healing real for ourselves. I believe in magic.

What do you believe?

Saturday Gig

This is what I get to do on Saturday's now. I've been working at one of the local flower shops for a few weeks - just five hours on Saturday. But this week the owner is on vacation so I'm
working Wed/Thur/Fri from 9-5:30, then Sat. 10-3, then Mon/Tue/Wed 9-5:30.

I believe that being on my feet for five hours straight is what set off the pain syndrome I went into, which has blessedly been much better in the past week. But I have to admit to being a little nervous about this much work, this much standing time so many days in a row and still only four months after surgery.

I've been doing massage on Saturday immediately following work and that seems to be making a big difference so I'll continue with that. Also, the strain/counterstrain technique worked very well for me so I have another appointment for that.

I've been interested in the mind/body connection for a long time and what I've been doing along with the physical therapy is releasing the emotions behind the pain. I believe that until I do that, I may be looking at being in some considerable pain the rest of my life. Fortunately, it's working. My massage therapist is helping me with it and I'm using the technique Eckhart Tolle describes of bringing presence to the pain and the emotions behind it, many of which are very old. It seems I have a very heavy pain-body, which is not a good or bad thing, just a thing. I also think the same technique is helping me with other issues I've discussed in the past - maybe more about that later. :)

What do you think about emotions causing physical pain?

Mental Health Days

Well, that rain storm I sat through Tuesday morning? It turned to snow - a heavy, wet snow that caused my about-to-bloom poppies to lay their little heads down in the white grass. This is the latest it's snowed in the valley since I've been living here. Today the sun is scheduled to come back out and heat things up to 70 degrees. It will be welcome.

I appreciate all the comments you left on my last post. I really hesitated about whether to even put that up, but I'm glad I did. The cowboy showed up Tuesday evening and Roberta was nice enough to give me a "mental health" day yesterday. We spent it searching out possible places for me to move (I'm having continuous problems with this house from the plumbing to the heating) and visiting my naturopath who did something on me called strain/counterstrain which helped with my also continuing pain tremendously. I still had some crying to do, but this morning all the ghosts seem to have returned to wherever it is they hang out when they're not bugging me.

No More Karma

Eckhart Tolle says that you can't solve a problem on the same plane on which it was created. I believe him. It's been a valiant effort, but what I've been doing here is trying to solve a problem that was born of ego and is continually fed by ego - by putting my ego to it in every conceivable way. I know many people who do this quite successfully. And I'm in despair because I don't know how to reach the solving plane. I've prayed; I've meditated; I've sought god and goddess and have not even heard a whisper. And it's not about alcohol at all; ah how much simpler if it actually were.

I visit your blogs, I read and I am moved, but I cannot find words to comment. I sleep, and want to sleep some more. I cry and there is no relief. I go through the motions. I hate going through the motions. I don't want to write a "negative" blog post so I don't write at all and the poison begins to back up in my system. I witness and observe my own despair. I will not act on it in the same ways. I will not tell you how well I am. I will not tell you how I'm conquering my demons. I will not tell you that I even care whether I drink or not, because I don't. But I am not - and still, the demons.

The very best that I can do now is to create no more karma.

I wrote that in the wee hours of the morning. It is not "edited for content" and the grammar stinks, but it's how I felt at the time. I cried until I had no more energy and it was then I realized that was a good thing - the negative energy had been released and all that was left was space. I sat with a morning storm, the wind and the rain cleansing. I feel sort of ridiculous posting this, but it's the only thing that's come up that feels authentic lately. Do you ever have nights like this? Sometimes I just have to laugh at my own drama.