Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Partial Recovery

Wow. I can't believe it's taken me an entire week to post again. I didn't get the job I was interviewed for. The position was Assistant Manager at a retail clothing store at the mall. A very young retail clothing store which I am so relieved I won't be working in I can hardly believe it. Of course, I would've taken the job had it been offered; it would be insane not to. Wouldn't it? A good job. A decent salary. Benefits. 45-50 hours/week. The company seems to be doing incredibly well in this recession, but I have to wonder considering they just opened in a dying mall environment. And those words: "this recession. " People are calling it a recovery now. Does it seem like a recovery to you?

The irony of my possibly taking a job that is the icon of all that I've come to loathe about our society: false image, profit/profit/profit, youth unending, did not escape me I'll tell you. It actually stressed me out even considering taking the position and sent my anxiety back through the roof when it had at least settled into a rocking chair for awhile. Ever since I learned I didn't get the job I'm breathing a bit easier again although the pressure to get back to work is obviously mounting as my financial situation worsens. I am altering my search accordingly.

In my last post I posed the question of what it would look like for society to come out of denial about the state of our world, the dire straits we're in and how far along the road toward energy descent, climate change and I hate to use the word, but catastrophe, we are. My good friend, Kelly, answered with her usual optimistic sweetness and said that people would begin living more simply, learning more about their food security, etc. That's a great answer and it would be good if that's what happens when people come out of denial, but what happens first are the emotions. Shock, anger, depression, bargaining and acceptance. Yes, the same ones a person goes through with grief. If you're not experiencing some of these you're not coming out of denial. Which is fine. Not everyone will. Not everyone can. Why? Because we're in recovery don't you know?

Now, I have another question. What if full recovery is never possible? And yes, I'm posing the question as it relates to addiction and collapse. What if partial recovery is the absolute best we can do? What if we have to learn to live with less; what if we begin to realize that we'll be damned lucky to live through it? I've been living in partial recovery for years. All the while society says, well, if you're not fully in recovery you're not in recovery at all. Not so, say I. It takes skill to recover at all.


Olivia said...

I think it takes great strength to get up AT ALL, even if we fall down again, Angela. I think that partial recovery IS recovery...each person is on their own path.

I do not think our country is recovering economically. I think that this is the story we are telling but I think it is a big huge lie. I think that there are worse times to come, and I am very grieved about this. I am nervous for 2012.

I'm glad you don't have the retail clothing job. Although I wish good things for you economically and vocationally, I cannot see anyone doing something that grates against who they are. I

t wasn't a good fit at all. I am wishing for you a job that allows you to be yourself and to contribute to society in a way that still keeps your integrity.

Peace and love,

Diva Carla said...

Well, I just lost a long brilliant comment LOL Maybe I was supposed to read what I wrote and spare the rest of you.

Perhaps I'll try again later, Angela. You are very wise, and so is Olivia. Good comment: Partial recovery IZ recovery!

and here is the gist of what I wrote:
You've been resisting the recovery that says: Recover looks like THIS--productive, compliant, sheeply citizen of society.

And attempting to discover what Your recovery looks like and feels like, as a creative, responsive, contributing member of a tribe.

It's taken you dangerougly close to edges. Now you are learning to operate from the Center, Your Center, and it will work much better for you. Don't let fear rush you into looking like them. That's not what you are here for.

There, that's better. Not so long as the one that got away!

Angela said...

Man, do I ever love you guys! Your support is just incredible to me. Thank you so much for the encouragment!

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

Well it depends upon your definition of recovery.

I personal, having found that the recovery as defined in alcoholics anonymous is so far for me an absolute "full" recovery "from..." and "to..." and the book defines those specifically and precisely. You don't have to accept their definition, if you can find another one that is truly working for you in those areas as defined, well GOSH I would hope you'd share that with the world! I was never truly happy or content before so when this one worked and BOY HOWDY did it work well, I stuck with the premise that it would continue to bring me joy and contentment to see others helped and freed to be the same. Not I HAVE TO, but God I really don't want anyone else to suffer what I suffered in me daily for well a really really long time.

If you're making up your own idea of and definition of recovery, well then I guess you can be a partial anything you like.

If it's not keeping you clean and sober, if you find that you are still bugged at your core level by other people who "dominate" you through their ideas or opinions, if you can't seem to truly be happy or peaceful... having trouble in personal relationships, sleeping, job's just not cutting it for ya? You might consider a different definition of recovery for yourself.

But if in fact you are happy, free from any mind altering substances (alcohol/drugs) and you feel that you are a wholly productive person who is self supporting (got a job that takes care of your personal debt and needs) with good relationships to those around you. Hey, who could argue with that? :)

Glad your writing this out, continuing to balance your ideas here with the experience around you in recovery, and glad you're continuing to seek the truth for you.

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