Phoenix in a Bottle

"Phoenix in a Bottle" is a book I read recently co-authored by Lilian and Murdoch MacDonald, a couple now residing in Scotland who went through their own personal hell with alcohol. Lilian and Murdoch met in the early '90's at an AA meeting. They had both been attending AA for years with limited success. They married within a year against all the advice of their AA peers. At first it looked as if those peers had been right, for Lilian and Murdoch went on an extended bender, even ending up on the streets of Cambridge, England for a couple of weeks, "sleeping rough" as they called it. Their account of this experience is at once harrowing and heartening. It left no doubt in my mind that they know what they're talking about when it comes to having a problem with alcohol. They write:

By this time we were close to depair. We were freezing, the alcoholic shakes were starting to seriously manifest themselves, and an awful dread was setting in as we realised that we could think of no possible way out of the mess we were in, at least until Monday morning, when we might be able to wring a last few pounds out of the bank. Before then, a whole weekend without anything to drink, nothing to eat, sleeping rough and perishing cold - we couldn't face the thought of walking back to Christ's Pieces for the duvet, even if we had been able to find it again.

They tried AA one last time before deciding that if they were to solve their alcohol problem, they would have to do it together and find a solution that was specific to them.

Thus began a journey of exploring their childhoods and the belief systems that followed them into adulthood. They spent a few months working on this exploration while rebuilding their personal and professional lives. Now, more than ten years later, they are valued and active members of their families, workplaces and society. They drink occasionally with no consequence and are attempting to spread the word that there are many alternatives to the problem of alcoholism without committing to a lifetime of abstinence or a program that may not fit your core values.

Their discussion involves much of what they perceive as myths and superstitions about alcoholism that have been perpetrated on society through the proliferation of the 12-step communities through profit-based treatment programs. They also contend that AA is a quasi-religious cult based upon the contemporary medical orthodoxy of the time and the involvement of both founders with the evangelical doctrine of the Oxford Groups of the early 1930's, from which Bill Wilson, co-founder of AA, took much material for the 12 steps. Another quote from their book:

Frankly, the whole thing is total nonsense. What it all boils down to in essence is that they are saying that alcoholism is a progressive, incurable and fatal illness or disease of mind and body. That's the bad news, right? But the good news is that you can get continuing remission on a daily basis, by turning your will and your life over to the care of God (as you understand him), confessing your sins, making amends for them, and living the rest of your life in accordance with His will (not yours) and carrying the message to others.

These ideas, although a strange mixture of contemporary medical ignorance and evangelical Christianity, at least reflected the current thinking of the time in these two fields. However, instead of changing, developing and progressing over the years, this philosophy became fixed, to the extent that barely a dot or comma was allowed to be changed in the AA bible, the so-called Big Book, at it moved from one edition to the next.

I've been in touch with Lilian and Murdoch personally and I can assure you these are two sincere, honest and brave people. They are not out for personal gain, but only wish to help others who find themselves in a similar boat.

As for me, I hope this post will be met in the same spirit in which it is written - as an open and frank discussion into the many avenues recovery can take, and the many definitions of recovery an individual can claim for themselves.

I have added a link to their website, "Alcoholics Can Drink Safely Again" to the websites on the left hand side of the blog. I will link directly to their book as soon as I can figure out how to do that through Amazon UK.

Gypsy Soup

I figured it was about time to post another recipe and this is one of the best fall soups I've ever had.

I discovered it when my friend Claudia aka The Practical Vampire Slayer gave me some last fall. She got it from Jennifer Graf Groneberg, our friend and fellow writer who's book, Road Map to Holland, about her first two years with her son, Avery, who has Down Syndrome, will be out this spring. Let me tell you something about both of these women, they can write and cook!

Here's the recipe:

3 T olive oil

2 cups chopped onion

2 cloves garlic, crushed

1 cup peeled and diced sweet potato

1 cup peeled and diced squash such as butternut, acorn or turkish hat

1 can diced tomatoes with juice

3/4 cup chopped sweet peppers (red, green or yellow) or substitute a handful of chopped kale or spinach (I used kale)

1 can garbanzo beans, drained

3 cups chicken broth or vegetable stock

1 tsp. paprika (I used curry)

1 tsp. tumeric

1 tsp. basil (I used tarragon)

1 tsp. salt

1/4 tsp. cinnamon

1/4 tsp. cayenne pepper

1 T tamara soy sauce

In a large pot, saute the onions, garlic, potatoes and squash in the olive oil. Add all seasonings (except stock and tamari). Cover and let simmer for 15 minutes to bring out the flavor of the spices. You won't believe how good this smells! Add remaining ingredients, turn up the heat and bring to a boil, then cover and simmer until vegetables are tender.

This serves 4 (although it looks like more to me!) and it's even better the next day. This soup is an incredible immune booster. The onion, garlic, cayenne and cinnamon are excellent at fighting off autumn colds. I can also imagine throwing in that turkey on Friday for a totally different leftover taste. And, I mean, you just gotta love that name - gypsy soup.

Enjoy!

Happy Kid

This is crazy

This is the view from my front door. I've been here in Montana almost five years and every year until this one, it has snowed by now. As a matter of fact it has always snowed by Halloween.

For a southern girl who always dreamed of a white christmas, it has been like being a kid in a candy store. I eagerly await the first fluffy flakes, get in the kitchen and make comfort food and settle in with my down throw, my kitties and George Clooney or Brad Pitt.

I moved here in November of 2002, and it was cold that year. However, I traveled back to Georgia in April of 2003 and I couldn't get warm to save my life! It was the coldest I had been since I moved.

It's probably almost 60-degrees outside right now. I'm not complaining, but it's just weird. The almanac says this is to be one of the coldest, snowiest, frozenest years on record. But so far it's just been mild. Ya'll remind me of this when I'm bitching about shoveling the sidewalk!

TagNation - 7 Random Things

The fabulous Mr. Eaton over at Country Don't Mean Dumb tagged me to write 7 Randon Things About Myself. These are the rules:

1. Link to the person’s blog who tagged you.

2. Post these rules on your blog.

3. List seven random and/or weird facts about yourself.

4. Tag seven random [?] people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs.

5. Let each person know that they have been tagged by posting a comment on their blog.

And so, without further ado, here are my seven random things:

1. In 1991, I won a trip to Rio de Janeiro. I took my first cousin, Carla, who is the same age as me. While there, I had an affair with a hot Italian guy who couldn't speak a word of English. It was perfect.

2. I would find it difficult to live without my morning coffee and cigarette "meditation." Organic African coffee, one sugar and real 1/2 and 1/2. American Spirit menthol.

3. I won an award from the Optimist Club when I was in 7th Grade for writing an essay titled "Why I Love America" or something dorky like that. In it, I blasted Mr. Nixon.

4. I am a cynical romantic.

5. I think cats are the coolest critters on the planet.

6. I am a Scorpio sun, Capricorn moon, Libra rising mumble-jumble of contradictions, paradoxes, inconsistencies, and abnormalities that add up to one crazy-ass, but mostly fun woman.

7. I'm doing "undercover" work for Eric Frances at Planet Waves.

I feel it only fair to admit that I perjured the term "TagNation" from Mr. Eaton. Here are my seven taggees (that one's mine):

1. Olivia

2. Sherri

3. Bruce

4. Kickin Tina

5. Kelly

6. Carla

7. And saving the best for last - Miss Annie

Wellness Wednesday - Beliefs

I met with the woman who's going to guide me through the process I mentioned in a previous post on Monday night. We spent three hours examining the beliefs that I've carried into my adult life, unexamined, from growing up in the south and in my family of origin. Some of them seemed really silly for me to even write. I felt like I'd left them long behind, but the truth is that when we began discussing them and how they'd manifested in my life, I began to realize I only thought I'd left them behind. Just to give you an idea, here are a few of the ones I listed:

Women are neurotic and hard to manage.

Money is scarce.

People are not to be trusted unless they're a member of the family or a person in authority - a doctor, judge, lawyer or the president, etc. Those people are to be trusted implicitly and with no questioning.

Your needs are not important, as a matter of fact you really don't have any.

Squash the symptom.

I had 33 of these written down and I'm sure I've barely scratched the surface. A couple of amazing things happened for me. The first was that as we were discussing these things I literally felt movement start up in my first chakra, the chakra of survival instincts, grounding and our connection to our bodies and the physical plane. It felt as though speaking these beliefs, letting them out, literally freed up energy that had been stuck there.

The second thing that happened is that I began to notice patterns. Patterns in the beliefs and correlations in patterns to the experiences I've had in my life. I believe this is what the 4th Step in AA is intended to do, but I never found the patterns by examaning my resentments, fears or sexual conduct. Obviously, other people do, but I didn't.

I was literally exhausted when I got home. I think this is going to be a profound healing process and will contribute to my overall wellness in ways I can only imagine. Thank you for sharing this journey with me.

What We Resist

Persists. I woke up this morning with a cloud of sadness and loss hanging over me. So I considered my options. I could try and ignore it which was tempting. I can be pretty good at that sometimes. Or I could work my way out of it - pretty good at that one, too. But I've learned that this axiom is true for me, what I resist, persists. So I dove into it, cried, felt the sadness, felt the loss and then I do what works really well for me - I connected. I talked to several friends and one of my sisters on the phone. I called to invite Roberta for a walk. I did a little cleaning and a lot of reading and now, as dark falls on my little sacred spot, I am okay. Not great, just okay and that's good enough for right now. I've experienced these "emotional hangovers" a lot in my life and I'm pretty sure they're not going to kill me. Slowly and painstakingly I am learning to embrace what comes my way and try not to label it good or bad, but just let it be. Some days, though, the process of becoming more conscious is just a bitch.

Looking forward to checking on everyone else's Sacred Sunday posts. Even though mine didn't especially feel that way, I know it has been a Sacred Sunday.

Om Namah Shivaya Gurave

I thought I would answer Annie's (one of the most brave women I know by the way) last post, here, so everyone can read it. Because it's very important. She asked what the first written lines on the top of the chalkboard were, from my yoga class. They are, as above, and so below:

Om Namah Shivaya Gurave

The first line of the mantra/chant that we sing at the beginning of each Anusaraya Yoga class. The entire chant and its translation breaks down as follows:

Om Namah Shivaya Gurave: I offer myself to Lord Shiva,the Auspiscious One, who is the true teacher Within and Without.

Saccidananda Murtaye: Who Assumes the forms of Reality, Consciousness and Bliss.

Nishprapanchaya Shantaya: Who is never absent and is full of peace.

Niralambaya Tejase: Independent existence, the vital essence of illumination.

I don't know what it is about this chant but it infuses my entire body with a sense of well being. Even though I rarely take the time to translate the words in my mind, the effect is still present. I frequently find msyelf driving down the road chanting, "Om Namah Shivaya Gurave" just because it makes me feel good!

I'm doing chakra work with Rainbow Dreams as well as with my new guru and it seems like this chant opens up each of the seven energy centers. It's all about the flow, or non-flow, of energy. That's why my yoga mat investment was so important to me. It is an investment in MY LIFE.

And each of you reading here add to the blessing of that life. And so to you: Namste', which breaks down to "I see and acknowledge the light in you."

Wellness Wednesday - Yoga

OK, I have to admit, I was meandering through all the posts and comments of the last few days - trying to let it all sink in - and I realized, Holy Cow!, it's Wellness Wednesday! And I'm part of that.

I haven't written much about my yoga practice, but it's an important part of my wellness program. We have the most incredible teacher here in Polson. Debra believes in adhering to the spriritual principles of yoga as well as the physical. So we always have a teaching up on the board and we always chant to begin and end each practice.

Although my budget has been diminished dramatically in recent weeks, I made the decision to purchase a 5-class package and a new mat (Kisster chewed up the old one) while I still had one full paycheck coming. I feel this was an investment in my wellness over the coming weeks. The more time I spend on my mat (and you gotta have one to spend time on it), the more I will be contributing to my overall mental and physical health. I could've gone to Wal-Mart and bought a cheap mat, but I chose to really invest in my yoga practice. It's something I love, something I'm committed to, and something that is a real benefit to my life. So, I bought the "Transformer Mat" and absolutely pranayama'd into the investment.

Besides the physical, spiritual and mental benefits of yoga, it's also a chance to connect with other people of like mind. When I went Monday, after having been away for several weeks, I was greeted with so much love and welcome, that it nearly brought tears to my eyes. Then Debra started working us and all I could think of was the practice.

My Own Path

This is from my meditation book for today, November 6:

I am on my own, individualized path through life. I am unique. I am not in a position to judge another person nor should I take others' judgments of me too much to heart. There have been so many tiny variables that have gone into shaping who I am - my path has been my own and all those around me have a path that is their own. I cannot really judge another person because I could not possibly have enough information to truly see the whole story, to understand in full and fair measure just what has gone into making that person tick. It is difficult enough to understand myself. Why do I feel I am capable of judging another fairly?

I honor my own unique experience.

The six tips of a single snowflake . . . feel the same temperatures, and because the laws of growth are purely deterministic, they maintain a near-perfect symmetry. But the nature of turbulent air is such that any pair of snowflakes will experience very different paths. The final flake records the history of all the changing weather conditions it has experienced, and the combinations may well be infinite.
James Gleick

I'm pretty sure this book has mystical powers. :)

Well, wasn't that fun?

As many of you who write your own blog know - a blog tends to be an organic process. While we have some general idea what we will write about when we start blogging, we may get sidetracked, or become interested in something else, or have significant life changes that send the blog in a different direction or just leave it hanging around the blogosphere like a lost child. This is my second blog; the first was about being single in a small town and the alternatively hilarious and horrifying events that came about due to that fact. Because being single gradually became something I embraced instead of something I wanted to change, and because I wanted my life to move in a different direction, I stopped writing that blog. Funny thing - no married men have hit on me since then.

When I began this blog I wanted to offer a different way to look at recovery. Because AA wasn't working for me and because I had long believed there were other valid and workable ways to do recovery, I wanted to share my process of exploring some of those ways. Also, the blog was/is a tool for me to sit down at the computer and write. . . my thoughts, my experiences, my beliefs. In that process, something magical always seems to happen. I tend to dive into things headfirst so I never stopped to think about the consequences of drinking while writing a recovery blog. Then I found myself in that very situation and it was a dilemma. I handled it the best way I could figure out.

If you've been following the comments you know that this has become a very public forum for some people (and I don't even know who some of them are) to express their displeasure with me. It has been very hurtful and I'm reeling from it, much more than I am from the last drink I took. For those of you who have been frequent readers and contributors, I'd like to apologize for the nastiness that has ensued.

I'm at a loss as to what to do now. I intended to write a post about the beautiful day I had - my first shortened work week. I went to yoga, had lunch with a dear friend and dinner with another, but the wind has been sucked right out of my sails tonight. Tonight I'm tired of trying to be spiritual and I'm tired of being nice and I'm sick and damned tired of people who think they know my heart.

To Ben, who assured me he wrote an "approving" post, albeit anonymously, I'd like to say not only do I not need your approval anymore, I no longer want it. Go feed off someone else.

To Whatalife I'd like to say, unless you feel like saying who you really are, go play somewhere else please.

To the rest of you I'd like to say, this won't get me down for long. I've been wanting to start a new blog about the business and entrepreneurship in general and I'm not sure I can keep up with both. Maybe it's time for this one to die a not so peaceful death.

Courage of My Convictions

This is Manjusri, the Bodhiisattva with the Sword of Discriminating Wisdom. She sits on my mantel and I will be invoking her presence and guidance often in the coming weeks.

I know a woman who is healed of alcoholism. She once identified as an alcoholic and spent many years in AA. She no longer has an alcohol problem. She drinks on occasion and it does not affect her life either negatively or positively. She once told me that if I really wanted to recover from the problem to let her know. So I did.

I am beginning a process with her similar in some ways to the 4th Step in Alcoholics Anonymous which states: "We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves." I will be starting by examining all the beliefs of my southern culture, the tribe I was born to. All the beliefs - whether I feel they personally affect me or not. I will meet with her on a weekly basis to do energy work and begin to explore how these beliefs have manifested in my life.

One belief I hold that is not of my culture is that people can recover from alcoholism without abstaining forever. I'm sure this is why I've had ongoing issues with relapse. I have the belief, but have not had the courage of my convictions or the intent to make that my goal. I tried to remain in the prevailing paradigm because it's so fixed in our society. But it is incogruent with my belief. She did not ask me to commit to remaining sober through this process, but I have made that commitment to myself. I don't see how it will work otherwise. I have no idea how long it will take or what else will be involved, but I'm in for the long haul.

I have some fear and trepidation, but this feels so much more sincere to me than anything I've done in decades around this issue that I know I will walk through it. I will, of course, be letting you know how it goes.

As any of you with your own blog know, a blog tends to be an organic process. When we begin we may have a general idea what we will write about but we may get sidetracked, or become interested in something else, or have significant life changes that send the blog in a different direction. It may even end up hanging around the blogosphere like a lost child, alone and forgotten. This is my second blog; the first was about being single in a small town and the alternatively hilarious and horrifying events that came about due to that fact. Being single - anywhere - gradually became something I embraced instead of something I wanted to change and I stopped writing on that blog. And it's been a funny thing - no married men have hit on me since then. I have to wonder if my intent to stop focusing on that area of my life was instrumental in that development.



When I began this blog I wanted to offer a different look at recovery. Because AA didn't work for me and because I had long believed there were other valid and workable ways to do recovery, I wanted to share my process of exploring some of those ways. I tend to do things headfirst, diving in and thinking later. So when I began the blog I never stopped to think about the consequences of drinking while writing a recovery blog. Then, I found myself in that very situation. And it was a dilemma. I handled it the best way I could figure out.



One morning I received an e-mail from someone who implied that I sort of managed this whole thing on purpose. The implication, or accusation, was that in not exposing certain facts about my life, I was still being dishonest and that my behavior was approval-seeking at best and outright deceptive at worst. I know they say the road to hell is paved with good intentions, and I believe it. But, still, that was not my intention. Like, I'm not really that smart.



The e-mail did give me pause and gave me yet another opportunity to look at recovery, what I think it is, what I want it to be and what I believe is true about it.



I've known several to many people in my life who have identified themselves as alcoholic at one time or another. They may or may not have stopped drinking for a period of time. But, eventually they were able to moderate their drinking and move forward from identificaiton with the paradigm of alcoholic or addict, or they never became identified with it in the first place. I believe this is possible. I think it's probably possible for me. Maybe that's why every time I stay sober a few months, I drink again. Sometimes I over-drink and sometimes I don't. Fifteen months ago I kicked a fifteen year addiction to ativan, a benzodiazepam that greatly enhances the effects of alcohol. Since then, each time I've succumbed to the temptation to drink, I've drank less and had fewer repurcussions. Does this mean I'm in denial again? Does this mean I'm just biding my time until alcohol once again takes over my life? Or does it mean that I've made significant changes in my attitude and behavior and other changes are following on the heals of it? I don't know.



I don't expect it to be linear, or neat, or pretty, because not much about my life ever has been. But, since I hold the belief that it's possible to break an addiction without abstaining forever, it's highly unlikely that any recovery program will work for me and by attempting to write a recovery blog, or be in recovery, I'm wasting my time and yours.

Halloween is for Kids

Aren't they cute? These are the two sons of one of Roberta's co-workers and a friend/colleague of mine. Halloween was my favorite holiday as a kid and this time of year remains my favorite as an adult. I've read a lot about pagan tradition and find myself deeply attracted to the festivities and holy days of the Old Religion. The holy days fall on the soltices, equinoxes and cross-quarter days between these events - all related to the placement of the sun and moon and the changing of seasons. My interest in astrology ties into this quite nicely and my use of ritual has developed from both interests.

My friend, Eric Frances, over at Planet Waves has this to say about this time of year:

"THESE NIGHTS of mid-Scorpio are when the veil between the worlds is the thinnest. They are the Days of the Dead: All Saints' Day, All Souls' Day, Dia de los Muertos, and Dia de los Angelitos; with special days designated to honor the unbaptized, small children, those who died violently, and of course, our ancestors. When our world is closest to the astral world, these souls can come visit; and we can visit them, honoring our predecessors in our hearts, and also with a simple ritual such as bringing gifts to a cemetery. In American culture, we call the whole business Halloween. That is an adaptation of Samhain, the high sabbat of the witch's calendar. This is related to Beltane in May -- the holiday of abundance, sex and passion."

Planet Waves is where my favorite blogger, Judith Gayle, resides, and if you want a taste of her, click here.

I've plugged these guys before and I'm plugging them now because it's possible I may be working with them in the near future. My only problem at the moment seems to be that I have so many possibilities to choose from, I may let an important one slip by. Let's hope not.

SLIP - Sobriety Loses Its Place

I broke my sobriety over the weekend. I wonder why I do this to myself when I know I'm better off without drinking. I suppose the final truth is that sometimes I still want to drink and while most often I find the strength not to, there are times when I give in. I won't dwell on it, but since this is a recovery blog, I'm compelled to honesty.

On another subject, my employer cut everyone's pay by 20% yesterday. With it, our hours are also cut so I'll be working a 4-day week starting next week. The paycut will be a burden, but I can tighten my belt and get through it. I'm actually glad for the extra day. I can attend a yoga class and I'll have more time for the new business so I'm looking on the bright side.

A week ago I was thriving, now I feel like I'm just getting through. Life. Choices. Time to surrender.

Anatomy of a Friendship

Just looking at this picture makes me happy. When I first moved to Montana I was ill prepared for the amount of energy it would take to make new friends. I had lived in Georgia for most of my life, surrounded by people I'd known since childhood and immersed in a culture that would invite the Unibomber in and make sure he had a full belly before he left. Southern hospitality is not a myth and I'm sure I had that "deer in the headlights" look for a couple of years when my sincere attempts at friendship were met with the innate distrust that most Montanans feel for outsiders.

I met Roberta at a yoga class. I was suffering from life at the time, having not yet taken the first of the Four Noble Truths to heart: Life is suffering. I sensed the possiblity of a friendship with Roberta, but had no real premonition of how important that friendship would become or how deeply it would penetrate my heart. Our relationship has been a slow affair, building upon our mutual interest in meditation, the dharma, truth and beauty.

Roberta had just moved back to Montana after spending many years in spiritual community on the East Coast studying under Joseph Goldstein. I'm reminded of the saying that when the student is ready, the teacher appears. That Roberta can maintain the delicate balance of teacher and friend is just one of her many gifts.

Two years ago I moved onto the same street as Roberta. It was purely accidental - if you believe in tremendously auspicious accidents. The summer of 2006 I drank the evenings away and became deeply involved in my own sad story. Roberta never wavered in her unconditional love or her detachment from said story. She would only be involved with me. The me under all the crap that I had accumulated, the me with no stories, the true me. As I observed her integrity and profound love, I, too, began to detach from what was unimportant.

In the years since moving to Montana, I've developed many, many sacred friendships. But the first one remains special. In case you don't recognize her, that vampire on last night's post is Roberta. Did I mention she's tremendous fun?? We dressed up as vampires and went to see the local theatre's performance of Dracula last night. We could've been two 10-year olds playing with mom's makeup we had so much fun.

Sometimes I'm quite sure I'm the luckiest person on the planet.

Keep Your Children Inside

And locked up. Vampires are afoot.

Miss Priss aka Kisster

This one, on the other hand, just sits around looking pretty most of the time.

Just for Fun

One of Angela's housemates helps out with the laundry!

Oh baby, it takes a village

Figured I'd get my Wellness Wednesday post done early today. I want to talk about the importance of community in sobriety and in life. I'm so mindful lately of the village that surrounds me, supports me and helps me persist in creating the life I want to create. I'm a participant in a number of communities, both formal and informal. My formal communities include a yoga community, business communities, an artist's community, the AA community, a writer's community, the LSR community, and now a blogging community. All of these are important to me, but it's the informal community that I've created around myself that really sustains and supports me, that keeps me going when I don't feel like it anymore and that I fall back on again and again for inspiration and love. My informal community consists of a handful of people that I connect with on a deep level, that I can speak with about anything and that share a commitment to the same values that I hold dear. It consists of an ex-lover, a neighbor/spiritual mentor/friend/buddy, a couple of AA women and my family. I keep these people tightly woven around me so I don't fall too hard.

I especially want to speak about the AA community I'm involved with because it's probably the most difficult for me. Now, many in AA will argue with you 'til the cows come home that it's not Christian-based, it's not fundamental, dogmatic or rigid. I disagree on all points. I've been around it and around it and I've even wanted to change my mind about it, but it hasn't happened. Here's the thing, though. It's the only sober-based face to face community available. Which brings me to one of my favorite subjects: choice. It's sad to me that there aren't more choices. It's sad to me that people go to AA and if it doesn't work for them, they often leave feeling there's something wrong with them. It's sad to me that the majority of people who use AA to good advantage also believe there's something wrong with those people, that they're either not "working the program" or they're "constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves". I've built up a strong backbone for sticking to my own beliefs, but the peer pressure in AA is as intense as any I've ever seen and most people that go there for the first time are in an extremely weak and vulnerable state. The saddest part, and one I know from first hand experience? People will go back and go back and go back and try it again and again, because it's the only thing out there. I would like to propose, if you're one of those people, that you go if you want to, take what you need and leave the rest. That's one of the principles too, you know. Use it.

I really didn't intend to go there when I first began this post, but I must've needed to. My primary point is that village, community, whatever you want to call it, is one of the finest things in my life. I'm really, really glad it takes a village. Thanks for being part of mine.

The Soul's Companion

This is my much loved and well worn daily meditation book. I can always count on the readings to remind me of the sacredness of life . . . my life. From yesterday's reading:

Time and Space

I will look beyond time and space into the infinite nature of the Universe, into soul. What I see around me is not all there is to this world. Call me crazy, but I see more. I trust my eyes and I trust my heart. What I see with my mind and my heart are just as real for me as what I see with my eyes. Reality is multi-layered. When I am still and quiet it unfolds itself to me. Its wisdom and meaing seep effortlessly into my pores. I come to understand truth and soul because I sense its presence within me. I am a part of this divine mystery of life. I am indivisible with the whole, a cog in an ever-turning wheel of time, beyond which lies eternity, more life, more me, more it.

I see beyond space and time.

The influence of the senses has in most men overpowered the mind to that degree that the walls of time and space have come to look real and insurmountable; and to speak with levity of these limits is, in this world, the sign of insanity. Yet time and space are but inverse measures of the force of the soul." Ralph Waldo Emerson

Gotta love Mr. Emerson

Meditation

Meditation has been an important part of my sobriety and spiritual practice for a long time. I remember the first time I went to a group meditation session - I thought I was going to jump out of my skin before it was over!

But I persevered, and gradually came to embrace the time to quiet my mind and sit with no distractions, no reaching or grabbing, no needing to have. I've read many, many books on meditation that I've found helpful. I think "Emotional Alchemy" by Tara Bennett-Goleman was one of the most profound reads for me on using meditation as a way to heal emotional wounds. Also, "Coming to Our Senses" by Jon Kabat-Zinn was a powerful book about the importance of mindfulness in creating a life of peace and joy. I've come to believe that learning to detach from my mind and all it's silly games is of real importance in gaining perspective on life and god(dess)and what the heck we're doing here. As long as I'm trapped in dualistic thinking, not realizing there is a way out of it, I'm probably not going to be very free or happy in this life. Once I got a taste of separating from me, and connecting with everything, I was hooked. So, this is my Wellness Wednesday post, on Thursday. I try, people.

Success and Abundance

I had so much fun creating this vision board. I initially wanted to put my intention for the success of my business into the board and I did that, but it turned into a lot more than that before it was done. As I perused magazines for pictures, words and ideas that had meaning for me, a process happened that I wasn't expecting. I believe this is a powerful tool for getting in touch with the subconscious because it was only when I finished that I became of aware of why I chose some of the things I did. I of course want my business to be successful for me and the artists I'm working with, but I began to realize that I define success and abundance in my own way. Those little tags at the top of the board all say, "Yes". I got those out of a Lucky magazine (my magazine addiction finally came in handy by the way!) and I outlined the board with them as my way of saying "Yes!" to all the wonderful beauty and abundance in the Universe. "Yes! Yes!" and "Yes!" again. The "Openarms" is another way of my saying to creation, "Bring it on. I'm ready."I also included words like, "great, easy and simple" because I'm realizing that things just don't have to be so damned hard all the time. I have a lot of power over how simple or complicated I make my life and here is me saying to me, "Keep it simple, stupid." I found myself really attracted to pictures of beautiful, nourishing food and included that because eating well and healthy and thankfully is such an integral part of my life. I also found myself cutting photos of nice shoes, boots and slippers and I wondered about that for awhile. I'm really not much of a shoe junkie. Then I realized that I've laid a foundation for this part of my life. I've worked hard to be at a place where I feel energized and excited and so happy to be alive. So all the little shoes are in honor of that. And clocks. There are two on there. I'm aware of the passing of time in a profound way these days. I'm not trying to hold onto it, but I honor it. In this life, it's not unlimited. I included Paul Newman and JoAnne Woodward because they're a couple of my heroes. Actually I think Paul Newman is about my favorite person on the planet.

Of course I included lots of things just because I like them and think they're beautiful. Fall leaves, pumpkins, diamonds, flowers. And you know what I realized when I was done? I realized that not only was I putting an intention out to create success and abundance, I have already created it. Success is a feeling and it's the feeling I have now. I've taken an idea, a project, and I've run with it and am making it happen. That is success. I'm sitting here with my sweet kitty in my lap, with a full belly and a world full of friends and loved ones. That is abundance.

Oh yeah, and I included that big "big" 'cause I don't know about you, but I'm kinda tired of thinking small.

Also, I'm thinking this can be a great recovery tool as well. Creating a board that symbolizes all the things we want for our sober lives.

I wish you all great and endless success and abundance.

Visionboard

More tomorrow. Happy Sunday.

All Natural Cure for Restless Legs Syndrome

I don't know when I've been so glad to get home, get in my fleece and get comfortable. My sleep has been poor lately, interrupted by a sore shoulder, the lovely and ever-soaking menopausal night sweats and a headful of information on starting a new business. But one thing that won't be keeping me up tonight is RLS, Restless Legs Syndrome. This particularly nasty little syndrome will let you get nice and relaxed before causing your legs to begin thrusting like a junkie's coming off smack (or so I've heard). I suffered with RLS for a few years, trying mutliple remedies that seemed to help, but never quite got rid of it. I tried hoemopathic remedies, supplements, exercise and acupuncture. I remember hearing about the new pharmaceutical, Requip, that could help provide relief, but the price was a possible problem with gambling and sex addiction. Thanks anyway. Then a friend of mine, The Practical Vampire Slayer as a matter of fact, (she has an excellent new post up by the way) told me how she had cured hers with a liquid calcium supplement. I was pretty skeptical at this point, but the RLS had become so bothersome that I really would try anything I hadn't already, except the Requip. After a week of night-time doses of Nature's Life liquid calcium, magnesium & phosphorous liquid, my RLS disappeared. Since then, 2-3 doses a week seems to do the trick to keep away the jittery legs.

One thing I really love about the blogging community is the free and reciprocal sharing of information. When I originally began this blog, I wanted to focus partly on some of the physical problems that tend to plague people, especially women, in recovery and treatments I've found helpful. I got a little sidetracked and then my new blogging friend, the lovely Elena of Lunar Musings started the Wellness Wednesday project and provided me the perfect opportunity to get back on track.

I can't guarantee this cure for you, but it worked for the PVS and it worked for me. If you're having a problem with RLS, I hope it works for you, too.

Sacred Sunday - Post #3 . . . LOVE

I went to a rally for the Burmese people yesterday. We chanted The Karaniya Metta Sutta - The Buddha's Discourse on Loving Kindness which follows:

This is what should be done
By one who is skilled in goodness
Having glimpsed the state of perfect peace,
Let them be able, honest and upright,
Gentle in speech, meek and not proud.

Contented and easy to support,
With few duties, and simple in living,
Tranquil in their senses, masterful and modest,
without greed for supporters.

Also, let them not do the slightest thing
That the wise would later reprove.
Let them cultivate the thought:
May all be well and secure,
May all beings be happy.

Whatever living creatures there be
Without exception, weak or strong,
Long, huge or middle-sized,
Or short, minute or bulky,

Whether visible or invisible
And those living far or near,
The born and those seeking birth,
May all beings be happy.

Let none deceive another
Or despise any being in any state;
Let none wish others harm
in resentment or in hate.

Just as with her own life
A mother shields her child,
her only child, from hurt
Let all-embracing thoughts
For all beings be yours.

Cultivate a limitless heart of goodwill
For all throughouut the cosmos
in all its height, depth and breadth -
Love that is untroubled
And beyond hatred or enmity.

As you stand, walk, sit or lie,
As long as you are awake
Pursue this awareness with your might:
It is deemed the Diving Abiding - here and now.

Holding no more to wrong views,
A pure-hearted one, having clarity
of vision, being freed from all sense desires,
Is not born again into this world.

Sacred Sunday Post #2

EAT AGAIN!


Just kidding. Although I did. . . . eat again, that is.

PRAY

My prayers are all about action these days. Taking the right actions, not taking the wrong ones. I planned on spending the afternoon getting my office in order and making a vision board, as described on Cafe Entrepreneur, Laura Howard West's blog that I just love. I went shopping and got everything I needed for the office and the vision board. I wanted to reorganize the office first, then reward myself by making the vision board. Right in the middle of my major reorganization, a phone call came that a friend of mine was in town and would only be here a short time. So I stopped and went for a Sunday afternoon visit, which turned into lunch, which turned into showing another friend all the beautiful art I brought home from a client's yesterday. And now my project is all around me unfinished and I'm feeling that I seriously need a nap. Dilemmas. Life is full of them. Just like most things in my life, I don't pray in any kind of conventional way. I pray by doing. I pray by going with the flow. I may even pray by taking a nap with my office turned upside down!

Sacred Sunday . . . EAT

As a way of making up for lost time on My Sacred Life posts, I'm going to post three times today. One guess what the other two will be.

I won't be going to Italy any time soon, but these eggs sure made me feel like I was there. I think Montana's early light is similar to the buttery, golden light I see in photos and paintings from Italy. Much of my furntiure has an Italian feel to it - so hey, I was practically there.

Italian Eggs

Two farm fresh eggs
One small tomato
One small clove garlic
1 Tsp. olive oil
Pinch basil and tarragon
Parmesan cheese

Chop tomato and mince garlic. Place in pan with olive oil over medium-low heat for about a minute. Scramble eggs and cook with tomato and garlic. Just before they're finished, infuse with herbs. Top with cheese, salt and pepper. Oh, and don't forget the toasty toast with real butter. For dessert - yes, dessert. Another piece of toast with your favorite jelly or preserves. I used apricot. But I would've preferred fig or muscadine (sp??). Hint, hint to all my southern friends.

A very Italian start to a beautiful Sacred Sunday. Bella food!

The Obvious Answer

Is, of course, TODAY.





“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders & absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.”
Emerson

How long have you been sober?

As a person with a history of intermittent relapse, I of course hate this question. I was at an AA gathering recently and a woman was asking everyone as they walked out the door how long they'd been sober. I guess I was doing something close to praying as I kept up the mantra, "Don't ask me, don't ask me." She didn't. And I was glad. And I'll tell you why. I was sober from 1988-1994. I was sober most of 1996. I was sober a majority of 2001 - present. In the past year, I've been sober about 360 out of 365 days. Now, usually when people ask you this question, they're in AA. And they don't care about any of that. They want to know how long it's been since your last drink. I know that so I'm not comfortable answering 13 or so years because I know that's not really what they're asking. Here's the thing, though. I am proud of and thankful for every single one of those days sober. And just because someone else thinks that because I've slipped, it all amounts to a pile of nothing doesn't mean I think it. Based on my history, it's a pretty good bet that I'll slip again; however, it won't keep me from having long-term, stable sobriety as my goal and sincerely trying not to slip. As problem drinkers, we all know that a slip can lead to long-term drinking, as noted by that big gap from 1996-2001 where you won't find many sober days I logged. I'm not stupid. I know this. I do the best I can without giving up my soul to something I don't necessarily believe in.

Another reason I don't like the question is this. It has absolutely nothing to do with the kind of person I am. Telling you that I've been sober 90 continuous days or 13 intermittent years won't get you any closer to knowing me than telling you my hair is brown. You may think you know something about me. For instance, if I said the first, you could think I'm off to a great start (ha! if you only knew). Of if I told you the latter, you could think one of a few things: either I'm really slow (which I'll readily admit to) or I'm one of the most persistent, tenacious people you've ever known (which I'll also readily admit to) or you could think I'm a complete idiot (which thanks anyway but I won't be owning that one). But still, you won't know that I'm honest and compassionate and loving and a great friend and creative and really, really impatient and on occasion, very petty.

Another reason I don't like the question is that I think it's rude which really is another post. But the main reason I don't like it is because it will take an entire year of someone's life - most of it spent sober, productive and active, and focus on the one day you veered off the path. And it will give that day power instead of all those good days.