Prayers

I'm praying again. Simple prayers requesting assistance with staying sober, prayers for friends and family and the earth and the animals. Prayers that feel like they're going somewhere, being heard, responded to. In my world the only thing worse than being in relapse is praying and feeling like the prayers stay lumped in my chest, held prisoner by my own reluctance to just let go.

Now, I know what to do after prayer: follow it up with action, disconnect from the outcome, and trust.

Mental Twists

After many months of continuous sobriety I had a relapse upon returning to Georgia from Montana. As I approach 50 years of age, and as I have friends who are paying the ultimate price for relapse, I've decided to write again at Eclectic Recovery. I've been sober a couple of weeks since the relapse, which luckily did not last long, and I'm feeling very free of my addiction at the moment. But I've been relapsing on and off for almost 17 long years and I want to put a complete end to it.

There are a couple of mental tricks I play on myself to convince myself it's okay to drink. One is that I tell myself that it will just be one time, that I will drink for one night and then return right to my sober life. Only I never do because one night of drinking sets up the craving and then my twisted mind says if I "got away" with it one night I can "get away" with it another, and another. And then I'm off to the races with all their attendant shame, guilt, humiliation, depression and yes, pure insanity.

Another idea that sets me up to relapse is thinking that I have to get some relief from my daily life. After a few months, usually about 4, I begin to feel the pressures of being a responsible adult and I tell myself I just can't take it. And it really does feel that way; there are times I feel I will just explode if I don't get some relief. Then I usually do explode, into drinking, and while I may get a few moments of respite, I also get all the aforementioned pain to follow it, which is always worse than the pain that precedes it.

As far as alcoholics go, I've been especially lucky. I've had my serious consequences to be sure, but overall I haven't paid the price that many have. I know luck doesn't last forever and I've pushed mine far past the point where it should've already run out. But it's not just that. I want to be a sober person because the sober alcoholics and addicts I know in my life are the people I admire the most. They move forward with their lives (usually) and get out of the endless cycle of pain and despair that is the drinking life.

Approaching 50 is sobering in itself, but despite everything I don't feel old. If there is anything I could do in my life that would help me reach its end in a state of peace and acceptance, it's to stay sober.

So here I am again.

Thanks for visiting Eclectic Recovery.

Concrete Suggestions

This was left in the comments on my last post:



What are you doing to stay sober? Your blog heading mentions new ideas for successful recovery, but I wonder what you are doing. I can barely find my way around a computer so blogging certainly isn't an option for me. What about blogging assures recovery? I guess treatment and halfway houses can limit the access to drugs, but I spent a year in jail and got high every day so I don't think incarceration equals sobriety either. I'd like some concrete suggestions if you have them.


Addiction is such a complex illness. I wish I could offer a magic bullet - that one or two or 12 things you could do to ensure your sobriety, but I can't. I have one concrete suggestion: don't drink or use . . . no matter what. If you're attempting abstinence and you do drink or use or find that you can't not use, try again. If you fail again, try again. Remember that in between failing you are succeeding.

While you're doing that, seek out communities (there are lots of links on my blog and on the other blogs I link to) where you can get good support for your efforts. There are many and the numbers and varities of groups are growing by the day. Do what you can to improve your health by good old fashioned exercise and good nutrition, laughing, getting out in the sunshine and doing anything that you truly enjoy doing - without using or drinking. Begin to explore yourself. There's a person inside you who wants to be clean and sober. Befriend him or her. Discover what makes them happy and go for it.

Do it for yourself. You're worth it.

Wolf Moon in Leo

Tonight is the both the first and the largest full moon of 2010. Called the wolf moon by Native Americans because the wolves howled their lonely song to it on cold winter nights in the Rocky Mountains. Wolves. Full moons. Rocky Mountains. It doesn't get much better than that.

I'm visiting Lakeside by way of Polson where I met up with a handsome kitty cat and got some good feline loving. I'm going to visit some friends and leave for Butte again on Sunday.

I was looking at the new moon intentions I wrote two weeks ago and the only one I didn't follow through on was blogging daily and there was nothing I could do about that. My internet connection at the 1/2-way house went down last Friday and hasn't come back yet. I'm trying to figure out a way to make sure I can always get hooked up to the net. I do so much of my life on-line now: a lot of my sobriety support, my blogging (which is also sobriety support), banking, staying in contact with family and friends. It really messes me up when I can't get on the web for long periods of time. I'm at the library in Kalispell now, but it's not the same as sitting with my own computer, a cup of coffee and my own time in which to browse, check your blogs, read Planet Waves, answer e-mail, etc.

As for my other intentions: I am still sober (approaching 90 days); I do believe; I am imagining the rest of my life; I am exploring education and career opportunities but have nothing to report yet and despite still being homeless and jobless, all in all, I'm feeling pretty good about things. Because it's not about things, is it? It's about people and friendship and love and support and faith. Hell, I'm rich.

I'd like to send out some special love to Claudia Cunningham, author; Julie Wenner, Alley Grazer; Miss R, one freakin' incredible human being, and Chani, another one of those. These women, along with my family and many, many others just make me want to be a better person. Thanks, ladies.

New Moon in Capricorn

Tonight's new moon is a powerful one, coinciding with a solar eclipse. Because it conjuncts my natal moon in Capricorn, it creates a doorway, a portal of sorts, an opportunity for a deep emotional transformation. The moon is our emotional life and with mine conjunct Saturn and in Capricorn I came in with my share of emotional seriousness. This new moon/eclipse is offering me a chance to move beyond the weight of my early emotional life, to integrate the lessons I've been working on for awhile and to take what I've learned to a new level of awareness. I love it when the planets step in to help and when I'm present through my recovery to work with them. Here are my intentions/wishes for this new moon:



1. Remain sober.


2. Start imagining the rest of my life.


3. Explore education/career opportunities.


4. Blog daily.

5. Believe.

In two weeks, at the full moon, we'll see where I am with imagining a brand new life, what I'm doing to make it happen and how I'm faring in my sobriety. In the meantime, I'd like to hear some of your intentions/wishes.

Butte, America

For someone who is going to live in a halfway house for the homeless I sure am excited. It's an odd thing to feel free of so much of that old energy that was keeping me down. While in treatment I was given a clear picture of how alcohol and drugs ensure that I will stay mired in old patterns that don't serve me or anyone. I won't entertain regret, but will keep company with the intense gratitude I feel for the love I have in my life, for 60 days of continuous sobriety and the inner knowing that I will take care of myself.

While in treatment I was asked what I would most like my family and those friends who have stuck by me through thick and thin to know about my alcohol and drug use. What I would like them to know is that it's not me. It's a disease, weakness, illness, malady, whatever you want to call it, over which I am powerless. However, I do have power over my recovery. I have the power to continue to seek those who understand and can help. I have the power to set an intention for myself and follow through on it. I have the power to let go of anything and everything that doesn't support my sobriety and to reach for those hands that do.

I am sorry I made such a big freakin' mess in the process. But, you know, life is messy and I truly believe we're all just doing the best we can until we can do better. I understand my job: Don't drink, seek support and give back; allow the universe to unfold through the awareness that keeps all of us breathing and the awareness that accompanies us when we're done breathing. Live in gratitude. Express love. Let go of judgement of yourself or anyone else. Forgive.

Look out Butte, America. Angela is on her way.

Building a Life Worth Living

If AA doesn't work for you and if long-term abstinence is elusive, I'd like to introduce you to some processes and ideas that can help. Welcome to Eclectic Recovery, where recovery programs are self-designed, tailored to the individual and most importantly, effective.

It's been over two years since I began writing here on Eclectic Recovery and I began with a couple of goals in mind. The first is selfish and remains so with no apologies: I was looking for a way to live long-term, comfortably, without alcohol. The usual method, i.e., AA, was no longer effective for me and the treatment programs weren't much better. The second reason is not and also remains not with no apologies: I thought there had to be others like me and I hoped to reach and build a community with these people; a community that would help me, and others, find a sustainable sobriety.

Here's a problem with exploring any dark, negative, life-threatening problem on the web: people can't handle their own darkness and they certainly can't handle yours. So no matter how valiant your efforts, if you slip up, people run like crazy and I'm not saying I blame them. Or maybe the blog is just not that good, although I have to tell you when I look at it as a whole, I'm pretty impressed. There's a lot of good information here, and there's a lot of crap here, but I think all in all it's balanced.

To be honest, it was touch and go for a long time as to whether I ever was going to find anything that would be effective for me - in the long-term and considering I just relapsed yet again maybe I shouldn't be as hopeful as I am. But I am. Hopeful, that is. I've been observing several types of recovery communities over the past 20-25 years and something new and beautiful is emerging. My work at the chemical dependency center, with my mental health counselor and my own continued efforts to understand and change my thinking, and thus my life, is starting to take root and I have no idea what the flower will look like, how long it will last or even if it will smell pretty. But the stirrings of new life are unmistakable. I'm learning and awakening in a way I can 100% believe in. No dogma. No rules. Everything I'm doing shares one thing in common: it starts to heal the problem. The real problem, which actually could be different for you, even if it manifests as a problem with alcohol. If it doesn't go toward healing our souls, it's outta here as a method for me. Simplifies things a lot, too.

I have looked at my goals and I still deem them worthy. As a matter of fact, I deem them worthier than ever before, and closer. I am so excited to be alive at this time and right where I am in all ways and it's a privilege and an honor to begin to accept the responsbility of co-creating a life. All I really have to do is make sure the focus stays on my own spiritual connection and behavior and respond as appropriately as possible in any given situation while working to embrace what's empowering, life-affirming, real and most of all helpful. Which is obviously not always as easy as it seems!

If any of you in AA are still reading my blog, I would ask you to give it another chance, maybe get it on your blog roll, in the hopes that it would reach another woman quietly and surely drinking herself to death. I am finding my way though the labyrinth and I want to share. After all, what we're doing here is building a life worth living. Let's get on with it, shall we?

So, every day for at least a month, and that's quite a commitment considering I was romancing taking a midnight swim in a January Flathead Lake, considering that I've moved 4 times in the past year and been through some pretty nasty stuff, both here, and in my professional life, considering I came very close to not making it and considering that I know, personally, of at least 100 women who are spinning their wheels with this thing and slowly dying. Man, that sentence got long. Anyway, considering all that, I'm going to post every day for a month about something that is really helping me stay sober today. I'm going to finally do this like I was told to do it a while ago: do it like it's your job she said. Okay. Okay.

Here are some of the methods we'll be looking at in the coming days, weeks, months and yes, years. Because if I've finally gotten one thing it's that for most of us this is a lifetime deal. Alcoholism and its denizens are chronic, progressive and if not treated, fatal. But I don't want to focus on that because I want you to be as excited as I am about moving forward with life without alcohol. So we're going to be looking at and discussing a varied and very eclectic array of ideas from vampire slaying to dialectic behavior therapy, from mindfulness and meditation to nutrition and exercise. We'll be re-exploring issues like dealing with pain in recovery, dealing with co-occurring disorders like depression and anxiety and learning how to skillfully handle our own emotions and interpersonal relationships. We'll look at possible sources of community other than AA where a person can safely begin to explore their own shadow and how that manifests in their life. We're going to look at what to do if you slip up or totally go on a bender and how most quickly to get ourselves back on our recovery program if that happens. We will look honestly at the damage caused by alcoholism, both to ourselves and the others in our lives. We will not flinch when faced with the darkness in our own soul.

I will tell you about many things that apply to me that won't apply to you. I am not recommending anything - only sharing my own journey and what I'm finding that works for me. If you have been drinking alcohol on a daily basis for quite some time you will most likely need medical assistance to detox. Please don't underestimate, as I have at times, the deadliness of this disease and the danger you and others are placed in when alcoholics drink.

We'll also be looking at some ideas, and people, who can be very dangerous for folks trying to manage their recovery.

There are a few things I promise to never do. I will never blame the alcoholic for having the disease of alcoholism and I will never turn anyone away no matter how many times they "relapse". I will not blame, scold, argue with or attempt to set anyone straight. I will not punish you nor myself any further. I want this to be the safest space possible for anyone desiring to live without alcohol. Also, while this is a blog for people who may find AA difficult or just undesirable, there will be no AA-bashing and that never was what this blog was intended to be about. And no Angela bashing, please. I'll just ignore you, and then delete you.

It's been 60 hours for me without alcohol and in one of AA's somewhat quaint terms I went on a prodigous bender. I would like to say that these are ALWAYS DANGEROUS AND DEFINITELY NOT RECOMMENDED. I try and practice some harm reduction but once I start drinking it's kind of anybody's guess where it might end up. That is scary as all hell. I hesitate to say it, but I've gotten pretty good at rapid detox and I've had some help from dear friends, but it is still horrible. We don't wake up one day and think, oh yeah, that's what I want to be: an alcoholic. Yes, that's it. A life of sobriety, relapse, denial, withdrawal, sickness, hallucinations (my Freida print was talking to me the other night), every negative emotion imaginable - rinse and repeat. No one decides to do that. And it takes a lot of grace and a lot of love to begin to recover. And it takes even more grace and even more love to keep trying over and over, to not be discouraged or disheartened or decide that it's just not worth it, which is unfortunately what a lot of us do every day.

So I hope you'll join me as we once again try to put one foot in front of the other and build a sober life worth living.

Looking In

We are reflections of the divine life force. While science may not yet be able to "prove" this fact, more and more evidence is available to the seeker that it is so. As reflections of this creative source the place to look for it, the place to be close to it, is within our own selves, the universe that is us. This requires stillness, reflection on our reflection and assistance.

I have been taught, as all of us westerners have, to look outside ourselves for this source, this authority. Once, it seemed I had found this source through AA - I remained sober, my "outer" life improved and I had the approval of all who knew me. But it was an illusion as all outside sources are illusion.

I've been through my own personal hell in the past fifteen years. When the outside source I had come to rely on failed me, I turned my back on seeking at all for some time and when I began again I was very lost. I attempted again and again to return to that outside source and when the connection was not there I turned back to alcohol for consolation. I became caught in a web of approval-seeking, guilt, confusion and making sure I did everything on the outside to look like I was changing on the inside. That particular course of action led me to a psychiatric ward last February, thinking of suicide and being dogged by anxiety and depression every waking moment.

It's a paradox that some of the outside sources we seek may actually be able to help us to the spiritual authority inside us - which is why AA works well for some, why religion can assist, and why family and commuity support is so vital. The mental health and addiction counseling is providing me that assistance now, as well as the support of my family and friends, my on-line sobriety group and all the unseen assistance I feel coming my way. But none of these are my authority, they are only helping me observe my own connection to the spiritual authority that resides within me, and within all of us.

The "anxiety and depression" I felt are being transmuted into kundalini awakening, the awakening of the divine energy that lies in the base of the spine. This energy is begging my attention, my focus and my commitment. Doctors will call it neurosis, menopause, delusion, but I'm not asking them anymore. I've begun practicing kundalini yoga to help me engage this energy. This energy is nothing less than the energy of creation. It lives in all of us and desires our engagement above all else. The body is a gateway, the senses portals, the natural world a spiritual testing ground. My use and abuse of alcohol and drugs was a misguided and unconscious attempt to engage this energy. I'm beginning to use the body, the senses and the natural world as my tools for cooperation.

I didn't know if I would be able to write clearly about this. It's a very difficult thing to put into words; it's a very difficult thing to experience - life. Just think about that word. LIFE. This is it.

Will you, like the doctors, think it's delusion, mild psychosis or plain old insanity? Honestly, I could care less. But I've decided to keep writing about it as best I can, as openly and as clearly as I can because this can be my tool of worship. And life is deserving of our praise. Now, I've got to go practice some "breath of fire."

Take care.

The 12-Step Gauntlet

I'd like to share more from Martin Nicolaus' book, "Empowering Your Sober Self." http://www.amazon.com/Empowering-Your-Sober-Self-Addiction/dp/047037229X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1250777093&sr=1-1#This book is helping me articulate and understand my own experience and I believe that will help me move forward in my recovery.

The 12-Step Gauntlet of Negativew Emotions

Research shows that stress and other negative emotions are important risk factors in producing relapse in the newly sober. Negative emotional states are by far the leading cause of relapse. In this regard, the clinical wisdom of exposing people who are newly sober to the experience of the 12-step program is open to question.

The 12-step program, as others have pointed out, is a gauntlet of negative emotional encounters.

In step 1, as we have seen, there is the stress of feeling powerless.
In step 2, there is the stress of being labeled insane.
In step 3, people are asked to surrender themselves, again raising the feeling of powerlessness.
In step 4, people are told to take a "moral inventory" implying that they are morally deficient and setting the stage for feelings of guilt and shame.
In step 5, people are supposed to focus on all their "wrongs."
Step 6 centers on the person's "defects of character."
Step 7 has to do with "shortcomings."
In step 8, people are asked to look at all the harm they have caused to other people, underlining what Bad Persons they are.
In steps 9 and 10, this is repeated and deepened.
Step 11 implies that people are too clueless to figure out what to do with their life.
Step 12 calls on people to recruit other alcoholics to undergo this same series of exposures.

In my experience, the program of AA was a house of cards that toppled when my addiction became reactivated. After six years of working the 12 steps, I felt so bad about myself inside that I didn't feel I deserved sobriety, or much of anything good in my life. Intuitively, I knew that not only was it not helping me, it was making me worse. But every person I spoke with (almost), every professional, every recovering person (almost) still said AA was the way to go. And because I really do try to be a very good girl, I went back over and over for 15 years, not consciously realizing that every time I walked through the doors it reinforced the negative feelings about myself. You can't keep feeding yourself the poison and expect to get well. In my opinion that goes for alcohol and AA.

I''m Still Here!

I'm still here on this crazy blue planet with all it's wonderful characters. I've been out of touch with blogging and am eager to get reconnected with all my blogger friends.

I'm enjoying being at Roberta's and she's had plenty of work to keep me busy. I will be having another knee surgery; hopefully right after I move into my own place at the end of the month. It's very discouraging to have to go through another surgery and recovery, but Iwill be sober and I hope my recovery will be quick.

Here are some pictures from the past few weeks:

Living Archetypes

I've written a lot about my interest in astrology here at Eclectic Recovery. My slow, steady, study of astrology is how myth came alive in my imagination and myth taught me about archetypal forces much larger than myself acting in and through me. Getting past the typical western mindset about astrology was the entrance into an infinite world of possibilities; possibilities like grabbing the coattails of an archetype I'd never considered before, or deciding to manifest different attributes of the same overriding energy. The manifestation of an archetype allows an unlimited variety of choices in how to respond. The energy can always be lifted.

Alcoholic/Addict is an archetype I have manifested most of my life. Addict is a universal archetype and everyone manifests it in different areas and to different degrees. It's quite unfortunately been a life-defining archetype for me and one I sunk into for long periods of time, trying desperately to find my way out and failing in motivation and commitment to making sobriety the number one priority in my life. And now I see clearly that I can move away from this archetype with one simple rule in my life: don't drink. It is the simplest of equations, a mere non-action. I can use my common sense, intuition and imagination to feel what archetypes call to me and how to encourage those energies within. The simple pleasures I feel around the earth, cooking, writing and my spiritual practice point to the archetypes of creatress, earth helper, friend, sister, and full active being as the ones that will guide me into the next phase of life, years which have the potential to be the richest ones yet.

In the past couple of months, the overriding archetypes in my life have been sobrietist, worker, lover, victim and novice gardener (my favorite). I was also visited by an archetype: Kali, destroyer goddess. And while she wasn't exactly invited, I'm going to need her in the coming months. She tore through my body like an all-consuming fire and left me trembling in awe. I have to do something I'm not looking forward to. I'm taking the owner of the motel to court. I don't want to write much about it and have taken other posts about that experience down temporarily, but this is something I feel I need to do and I am scared to freakin' death to do it! The only comfort I get is when I let go of the outcome and continue to focus on my spiritual path. I am not only responding to an infinitely creative universe, I am participating with it, and to be honest, I don't want to let it down. So while it may seem petty to some, or un-spiritual to others, I think we just have to fight for what is right from where we find ourselves - not where we wish we were.

I've gotten much good advice and many different viewpoints and I have considered the options. And I doubt, and I doubt, and I doubt, and still I will do it. I'm compelled to do it. Not only for me, but for the next person, you know? We don't serve each other by allowing someone to take advantage. We only make it possible for them to continue to do so and it's usually those with the least resources that are hurt. I don't know about you, but I'm getting a little tired of that.

Let's keep our fingers crossed, shall we?

Rain and Mist and Magick

Tiptoeing around the house since 4:30 am so as not to wake Roberta. It is rainy and windy and Montana has obviously not been informed that summer is officially here. I am mostly settled in to my new space and I have to admit that for a homeless person, I ain't doing so badly.

As lucky and wealthy as I am I see it everywhere: the injustice. The same old scenario that we humans have been acting out for centuries - I must have more than you. I will have more than you. You are less than me. It makes me weary; I romanticize alcohol because when I drink I don't have to think about it anymore. But alcohol has become too painful an escape, as painful for those who love me as it is for me. As I remain sober, I must face these injustices. I must travel through the murky water to find the sparkling pool of clarity and then the courage to act on it. I must not bury my head in the bottle, or the boyfriend, or the chocolate cake . Too easy.

For those unable to face themselves, hard times are coming. Well, actually, they're here, aren't they? And in the meantime I play catch up as fast as I can because I don't know how I know, or why I know, or why it took me so long to know - but I know I have a role to play and more than anything in the world I want to play it consciously. I follow the good energy and I know it won't lead me astray.

I have an appointment for a 2nd opinion on my knee this morning and I look forward to the drive along the west shore of Flathead Lake in the rain and mist and magick. Have you taken time to look at the earth lately? To feel her trees and splash in her water and thank her for the life she provides for us? I believe she's had quite enough of our torture. Be sure and show her some real love today.

From Emmanuel's Book

Trust life, my friends.

However far afield

life seems to take you,

this trip is necessary.

Clarification and Knee Magic

Thanks to everyone who's left responses to my last post. Especially you, Miss Olivia. Who says O stands for Oprah??

I'm afraid I allowed my love of drama in writing to influence the language of my last post. I wrote: I am homeless. I am virtually broke and I have no health insurance. Well, I'm not really homeless. The other part? The broke and no health insurance part? That's true, but so are a lot of other people and at this time, in our country, starting at $0 may not be such a bad place. I would be homeless if it weren't for my family and friends in Georgia and my community in Polson. You can't buy that with all the $$ in the world.

In the meantime, I've got some standing up to do. Finally. Some standing up for myelf, declaring my place in this crazy world and then letting it all go. Do ya'll get that's how it works? You have to be willing to let it all go. Good thing I've got lots of practice!!

I hasn't escaped my notice that in my recovery each time I come back to my intention for the first direction of the medicine wheel, the East, which is self-care, the universe moves into motion for me. I committed to not drinking and to focusing on my physical health and my physical health, with my knee, is playing a huge part in this hilarious samsara. Source - he/she/it really does have a sense of humor.

Goddess Rock

I found this rock on the shores of Flathead Lake one afternoon on a much needed break from the Sunrise Vista Inn. Now, I don't know if you believe in signs, portents or messages from some other beyond. I don't know if I do either. But in my heart, I'm beginning to wonder. At the very least I have decided to heed the messages regardless where they may or may not come from. They seem to have my best interests as a top priority; something that has eluded my own sincere efforts for quite some time now.

Clear sight can come as a great shock. I have been shown so much in the past few weeks that I can hardly keep up. I found myself embroiled in a situation over which the more control I exerted the worse it seemed to become. God. It was all so confusing and twisted and muddy. Much of it still is and I'm sure only our dear friend time can begin to unravel the mysteries inherent in our human nature and the behavior it produces.

A few things, however, have become perfectly clear. Those are the ones I'm heeding. And I breathe. Deeply. A lot. The owners of the Sunrise Vista Inn cancelled our contract on Monday morning. I did not see that coming until the very last minute. Their words are ones of regret and sympathy and I think they want to be well-meaning, but their actions speak otherwise. I am moving, again, by the 18th of June. This will be my third move in a year.

About the time I found that beautiful goddess rock, a little lump began to form just above one of the scars left from last year's knee surgery. It continued to grow and became pretty painful. I went to the doctor on Monday and they recommend another surgery to figure out exactly what's going on. I did not see that coming until the very last minute. I am homeless. I am virtually broke and I have no health insurance. Those are just the facts, ma'am.

I held it together in the doctor's office, determined to put on a strong and courageous face. When I got to my car I let the tears come, panic rolling over me in wave after wave. Then, a few minutes of calm. Then more panic. I got on the phone. Have you ever heard the term drink and dial? It's a term for those of us who would occassionally (yes, that is meant sarcastically) have too much to drink and decide we needed to call anyone and everyone who might talk with us no matter the time of day or night or what in the world might be going on in their lives at the time!That's what you have to do to stay sober, too. Only leave off the drink part.

Even in the midst of the panic I felt, I knew that forces were in motion that were guiding me, protecting me and loving me and gently leading me forward. I observed myself attempting to go into self-pity and guilt and blame, but those things just don't feel that comfortable anymore. I realized that I am actually very simple. I want to be in a community where I feel nurtured and needed; I want to tend to the earth in whatever small way I can; I want to write my heart and my experience. I want to begin to fully participate in all the kindnesses that come my way and there are many.

Here are some random pictures from this little short-lived adventure which I will leave with clear sight and grounded emotions:

Just the Facts, Ma'am.

Tomorrow I will have four months without alcohol. The job at the Sunrise Vista Inn is over and I am beginning packing to move. I am going to have to have a re-do on my knee surgery of last year. I am breathing. I am breathing. I am breathing. In and out. In. And. Out.

Universe, I am wide awake and at your service.

Earth Religion

I'm finding that as long as I keep in close connection with the earth, I'll be okay. I'm beginning to see the benefits of this job in an entirely new way. It's been unusually slow to really warm up here and it shows in the business. I've had a guest here and there, but I've had plenty of time to keep playing in the dirt, become acquainted with the most incredible rock that lives in my front yard (which you see to the left), plant flowers and vegetables and generally immerse myelf in earth energy.

I'm thinking of composting. It may be a little adventurous for a complete novice, but I'm just playing anyway. I think that's what we're supposed to do. I like the composting metaphor for life: Rotten, decaying material, given just the right sun and water and oxygen to be transformed into rich, moist fertilizer that renews the earth and her plants. I feel myself composting - allowing nature to alchemize all the negativity and neuroses and okay, if you want, character defects, into the very essence of all life. And all I have to do is allow it - play in a way that nourishes the earth and all her inhabitants. Remember my purpose and stay out of the negative dramas that others are going through as much as possible without totally disengaging. I see my own shadow and she still wants to play, but I find I'm really not interested. It's so bright and beautiful in the light.

This Is My Treatment

May 24, 2009 - 102 days of sobriety

I'm taking a break from playing in the dirt and thought it was about time I wrote a blog post. When I took this job as manager of the Sunrise Vista Inn, I deferred some of the treatment actions I had in place - namely, mental health and chemical dependency counseling. I had some concerns about stopping counseling altogether so I call it "deferring" and I may go back in the fall. When I discussed it with Brent he said, "Baby, this is your treatment," referring to the job.

The majority of the work here is hard physical labor: making beds, scrubbing floors, weed-eating, watering, vacuuming, dusting. Most days I hurt like hell, but I have dropped a few pounds and I realized the other day that I actually have biceps. I just stared at them as if they were foreign creatures come to live in my skin. The focus for my time in the East, which will end in about a month, is to maintain good self-care and regain my physical health. I had begun making progress in this area by stopping drinking and going to the gym, but the Sunrise Vista Inn has whipped me right into shape!

On the days when I am able to be brutally honest with myself, I know that a large part of the reason I'm overoworked and underpaid, why I haven't been able to develop the talents and gifts I was given, why I have not been able to settle down and be happy, is because I did not/could not stop drinking after I relapsed in 1994. But I'm still here and that's more than most alcoholics my age can say. This point was brought painfully home recently when I learned that one of my best friend's brother-in-law died on his 50th birthday by falling off a hotel balcony while intoxicated. I know there's only one thing that has kept me from befalling a similar fate: luck, which I also choose to call grace. It reminds me that the foundation to recovery from alcoholism is abstinence. I don't know about people who are able to "learn" to drink moderately, or are healed into it; chasing that goal almost took my life. I'm not saying it can't be done, but I sincerely hope I'm done trying it. In cases like my friend's brother-in-law, I always blame the alcoholism and never the alcoholic. The only alcoholic I continue to blame is myself. I've got to stop that.

Beautiful Fucked Up Man

The past three weeks have been a whirlwind and I am reeling. It's beginning to look like I may lose my partner in this venture. Brent has been volatile, angry, and uncommunicative, and he's been creating so much tension that it's not worth the effort. He worked like crazy and then he decided he was done and he hasn't lifted a finger since. I spend half my time cooking for him or cleaning up after him or trying to get him to do some simple thing - like the one thing that would really, really help me out, and he refuses. He had "words" with the owner's wife on Saturday which of course was delightful for me to deal with when I met with the owner Sunday. His attitude is affecting everyone and while I don't know what I'll do about the maintenance work he was to provide, I can't be treated like a second-class citizen in my own home. Forget it, buddy. I've got better things to do. He gathered his things and left in a huff when I told him he was just creating more work for me. I sat at the table and ate the venison steaks with wild rice pilaf that I had cooked for us, the sauteed kale with peppers and tomatoes and balsamic vinegar - good aged vinegar, and watched the whitecaps on the tiny piece of lake I can see, just beyond the million dollar monstrosity that's kind of in the way. The house was peaceful. The wind picked up again and an eagle caught the current. The house was peaceful.

I'm very disappointed and I hope he'll come around and decide to play with the rest of the adults, but I have my doubts. I specifically discussed this very scenario with Brent before I took the job and he assured me he would be here, that he wouldn't leave me hanging. Guess what? I'm hanging. My drinking was a deal-breaker for Brent and the gynormous chip on his shoulder is a deal-breaker for me. I hate Dr. Phil, but he's right about some things. I've been sober 91 days and I'll be damned if I'll drink over any of this. It's time for me to believe in myself and amazingly, I do.

Brent's anger seems to be due to feeling like the owners are taking advantage of us. I'm not sure he's wrong, but the jury is still out for me. I'm still hoping that if I do a good job, which I will, that they will make it worth my while. I'm basically working for pennies right now, it just happens to be a few more pennies than I was making previously. When the owners do things like tell me at the interview that I'm only responsible for my yard's upkeep and then change it to the entire motel area and roadside after I take the job, or when they nitpick the price of a decent vacuum cleaner by saying we don't need a commercial vacuum (hello? I thought we were running a business here), or when they whine and complain about money going out and not coming in like it's my fault when Brent had to rebuild three showers just to get the rooms rentable, well, I have to wonder, don't I? And by the way, there are rooms ready and the phone isn't exactly ringing off the hook. I have to wonder if I'm in for a big screwing of the kind I'm absolutely not interested in. And what I don't need on top of it is my partner taking it all out on me and in fact treating me much worse than they do.

I should be feeling very alone and abandoned, but I don't. I finally feel the love and support that my family, friends and ancestors have been offering me all along. I'm not alone. Unceasing engagement is the key: engage through the pain, through all the uncomfortable feelings, engage through arguments and disagreements and philosophical differences; engage through love that devours you and engage through hate that is not real. The love will still be there, but it comes in a more gentle form and it is love that provides the peace that passeth all understanding. Oh dear, I just quoted the bible. Will wonders never cease?

Spring Sobriety

This was the view at sunrise yesterday morning. I'm going to miss it. I'm going to miss Polson. I'll only be 40 miles north, but in Montana you learn quickly that you're a long way from anywhere. That's why we like it.

I was up early to meet Brent in Lakeside and paint a couple of the rooms in the house where I'm moving. It's one of those houses where you don't realize how much needs to be done until you start doing it. We painted the bedroom and laundry room and Sunday we're painting the kitchen. There's a new piece of carpet coming in and new linoleum in the kitchen and laundry. Still, it's kinda old and kinda funky, and I think I'm going to love it.

The little side yard actually gets sun almost all day. I already have my veggie, edible flower and herb list to purchase seeds so I can get them planted as soon as I'm moved in. Brent is going to make some planter boxes and there are tons of containers already at the place. The yard is really sloped so planting directly into the soil would be difficult. I am so looking forward to growing some of my own food! I've never grown much besides a few herbs, flowers and plants so it's going to be a new adventure. I'm even trying to talk Brent into some laying hens so we can have fresh organic eggs. If he goes for that, a goat for goat's milk is next.

I want to tell ya'll a funny story. Brent and I were taking a break from painting yesterday and we saw a woman, a rather middle-aged, rather frumpy plump lass walking down the sidewalk with a stack of neatly folded towels in her arms. She was working at another hotel in town and Brent said, "Oh, look honey, there you are." referring to my new position which will indeed include laundering, folding and delivering towels. Immediately my comforting visions of myself as the inn-keeper, the gracious hostess, the person who really makes a place special, the organic gardener, came crashing down around my head. Dripping sarcasm, I said, "Thanks, Brent. I was trying to color that a little differently." We met eyes for a moment and both started laughing out loud. The second thoughts I'd been having all morning, thoughts about the conditon of the place, how much really needs to be done in the house, the work, the learning curve (I don't make a perfect bed!) - just poof, disappeared. Suddenly it didn't matter that I've never run an inn, or cleaned professionally, or worked in a hotel because I know I'm going in with very few, if any, illusions. I'm up for it. I think I'm really up for it. I'm also marking this post so I can return to it in the middle of July when I haven't had a break for god knows when and I want to drop in a heap, so I can remind myself that I was really, really up for it!


Sobriety makes the whole world possible.