A Community

I'd like to introduce some of you to each other and talk a little bit about the face to face community here in the semi-wildlands of NW Montana, USA (funny, I don't feel so ashamed of claiming that anymore - the USA part), very close to the no-doubt-about-it-sure-enough wildlands of grizzly bear and spotted trout and mountain, where a few of us choose to live and create our lives.

My friend, Claudia, and I went to see another friend of ours from AA yesterday. Zelda is a little spitfire who got sober 2 years ago and now lies wasting in a bed, cancer ravaging her tiny body. Zelda is not old, she's maybe in her mid-50's, but her life has been hard and it shows. Her eyes are piercing blue-white and they are not fading with her body; if anything, they are brightening. I'm not as close to Zelda as Claudia, not really a part of the AA inner circle, and I was uncomfortable about going. And I'm not sure if she wanted me there or not. But I'm glad I went. I think if I were in that bed I would be very happy to have Zelda visit me.

Claudia and my friend, Julie, aka Alley Grazer have always been giving of their time, their love, their homes and food and friendship. We have watched each other's children grow, animals and parents die and we have watched many of us battle cancer, and we gather around each other when we need to which is often. How could I have ever thought alcohol could replace this?

Claudia will have a book published next year and the entire community is looking forward to a huge celebration! Last year, we celebrated Jennifer Graf-Groneberg's book, Roadmap to Holland. Jennifer, Claudia and I are in a writer's group that's been meeting once a month for over three years. It was a thrilling experience to be involved with both Jennifer and Claudia through the process of writing their respective books. Wouldn't you know? Both books are geard towards helping others!

I've written more than once about my friend, and now employer, Roberta, and the effect she's had on my life. Everyone needs a role model and man did I ever choose a good one. Roberta serves as matriarch/mentor/counselor to a lot of women in our community. Working and playing in the beautiful space she's created is an ever-expanding delight.

These women form the inner circle of my life in Montana, along with Brent of course. And if that weren't great enough I have another circle of friends and support on the other side of the country. People with whom I share deep history from the deep south. I'll be writing more about all of them as I continue on my sober journey. Affection and pride in our community of human beings sits well with my heart tonight.

The Sober Kitchen

I've recently reacquainted myself with The Sober Kitchen: Recipes and Advice for a Lifetime of Sobriety, by Liz Scott. The Sober Kitchen is not only a great coookbook - it's a great recovery tool. Liz is a professional chef and a recovering alcoholic and she speaks candidly about the daunting prospect of abandoning her career to protect her sobriety. Luckily for us, she decided to create a context in which her sobriety and her love for cooking, and sharing healthy and nourshing food, fit together hand in glove. Everything following in italics is a direct quote from the book.

I also know that developing healthy eating habits and attempting a new lifestyle are goals that need to be attained through small and significant steps if they are to have any long-term impact. Changes in diet cannot and should not be thrust upon us, particularly as some magical solution to our addiction. We all know there is no quick-fix dietary answer to getting and staying sober and enjoying the recipes from this book will not guarantee your sobriety. What I am hoping is that you will discover how including good food in the recovery process may play a significant and often overlooked part in its success and, at the very least, help to make the ups and downs of the journey a bit easier to understand and accept.

We are often told that being proud of our recovery is an important part of our progress, but being proud implies that we shouldn't feel ashamed of our disease. Too many of us are compelled to make up socially acceptable reasons why we no longer drink rather than admit to the reality of our illness. Maybe having a cookbook and eating guide that addresses the specific issues we face will convince us , as well as the rest of the world, that we have nothing to be ashamed of.

Liz divides the cookbook into three phases of recovery:

Phase One - Saving Your Life and Staying Sober includes beverages, snacks and sweets, soup and easy dinner solutions. During this early stage of recovery, which lasts anywhere from six months to a year and a half, there is only one real objective and that is to not drink.

Phase Two - Getting Comfortable and Feeding Your Inner Child has breakfast and brunch recipes, comfort food, side dishes and desserts. By Phase Two, what has changed is nearly everything! Cravings are fewer and farther between. Time away from home to attend programs or meetings has lessened. We're hopefully feeling a lot more confident and healthier by having removed alcohol from our lives and are discovering the satisfying and happy life of sobriety. This isn't to say that we feel great every day of the week, but it does get better.

Phase Three - Enhancing Your Health and Becoming a Sober Gourmet showcases salads, vegetarian cooking, food as medicine and sober makeovers of classic recipes. By Phase Three, generally reached by the third or fourth year of sobriety; we have come to an important point in our recovery when, more often than not, life is good, physical and mental health is greatly improved, and we are easily able to face the trials of life without reaching for a chemical substance to get us through them.

Exploring this cookbook has been so much fun and every recipe I've tried has been great! I'll post a few here in the coming weeks starting with the one below. This rediscovered tool fits in perfectly with my East work on the medicine wheel and the self-care I'm implementing. I would recommend this cookbook/recovery tool to anyone.

The Road to Recovery Trail Mix

Simply combine all the ingredients in a canister or zipper-lock bag and toss well. Store any bags of unused nuts and seeds in the fridge or freezer to retain freshness.

2 cups roasted soybeans

1 cup shelled pumpkin seeds

1 cup shelled sunflower seeds

1 cup dried banana chips

1/2 cup honey roasted peanuts

1/2 cup mini semisweet chocolate chips

Makes 12 1/2 cup servings.

New Moon in Aries

Once a month the moon goes through her dark phase, also called the New Moon. This occurs when the moon and sun are conjunct on the ecliptic. When they are so joined, there is no light from which the moon can reflect and so she appears dark in the sky. As the two bodies slowly begin to pull away from each other, she once again begins to reflect the sun's light, in a sliver of a crescent at first, gradually, each night building light on her surface until she rides full and round in the night sky. Today the moon is conjunct the sun in the traditional astrological sign of Aries, heralder of spring, new beginnings and awakening life. In the northern hemisphere of course.

This morning there is a skiff of snow on the valley floor, the sky is clear and blue and the Swan Range in the distance across the lake is proud and stunning. It's cold, but the sun is beginning to carry warmth here and the days will continue to lengthen until they last 18 hours. Dawn and evening will stretch on and on like the taffy of the gods, creating more of those in-between times like twilight and dusk and slow morning; more time for the human soul to integrate the lessons of the earth mother, more time to celebrate the life we have here, more time to heed the call.

It's an auspicious time to begin a medicine wheel journey. Because the medicine wheel is a cosomos-viewer created by indigenous peoples in different parts of the world, there are different meanings for the directions, different animal totems, different lessons to be learned, different tools with which to manifest spirit. Which means of course that it's up to the individual to intuitively decide where to begin, what processes to use and how long to spend with each direction.

I've decided that my initial journey around the wheel will begin now, in the spring, in the east. I will journey once around the wheel in the coming year, seasonally and with the rhythms of the moon. The element of the east is air where the power of the mind comes to bear on the creative forces alive in the universe and begins to work in harmony with the elemental muses. I will use my time in the east, which will last until the summer solstice in June, to begin to heal my body from its various abuses by practicing extreme self-care and to prepare for the remainder of the journey.

I will post more about how I'm going about this as I go about it, but for now I've decided to continue my exercise program and hopefully notch it up a bit as well as adding weekly saunas to the routine. My dear friend and employer, Roberta, has a FAR infrared sauna that is available to me almost any time. I've used the sauna, but not in any disciplined way and not with much intent behind it. That's going to change and I intend to sweat. A lot. Sweat is purifying and I want to assist my body with the healing that good old-fashioned sweat can provide. I will rest, as long and as often as I need to. When I can afford extras, I will do them: massage and yoga come immediately to mind.

This seems like a good time to say that I'm up for any and all suggestions about how to implement better self-care. I know nutrition will play a huge part for me.

Another thing I'm going to do is use the new and full moons to write out intentions each month and follow-up with how I'm doing on them. I've done this before, but once again not in a disciplined or meaningful way. My intentions for this cycle are:

1. Stay sober
2. Sweat 5-6 times a week whether through exercise or sauna.
3. Continue with my outside treatment protocol which includes group and individual
therapy, medication management (for depression and anxiety which continue to
show up), relapse prevention, AA attendance and LSR e-mail list participation.

The Medicine Wheel

The Medicine Wheel is an ancient healing/living modality created by Native American and other indigenous peoples throughout the world. It's a way of moving through life which is closely infromed by our connection to the earth; earth as mother, nurturer, healer. Earth as home and hearth. Earth now as victim who requires our assistance and cooperation to help her return to balance. I believe recovery is dependent on this connection and on our willingness to begin to treat the Earth, and ourselves, with respect.

Our physical bodies are part of earth, part of this dense matter, but our spirit - through our consciousness - is not, and exploring that frontier is also part of the Medicine Wheel. Freedom of consciousness is encouraged through intention, ritual and celebration. Acquiring even a small amount of freedom of consciousness requires some level of purification and so purification is also part of the Medicine Wheel.

The Medicine Wheel is a circular and organic process wherein each direction offers specific lessons that bring about balance, joy in living, respect for self and others, understanding and growth. Many of the processes I've previously explored and continue to explore: archetypes, meditation, ritual, mindfulness, self-examination, tarot, astrology and writing have their place within the wheel. The Medicine Wheel is a framework with tremendous room for individual expression and the freedom to customize what is chosen to place within that framework.

Of course, the most important thing about the Medicine Wheel for me is that I'm attracted to it. One of the principles of AA is that it is based on attraction rather than promotion, but in my experience AA was, and continues to be, promoted as the best if not the only way to recover from addiction. It wasn't intended to be that way, but the treatment industry (I think especially here in the west, but I'm not sure about that) basically grabbed onto the 12 steps and for years made it the only available option. When other programs began to spring up, they were mostly secular in nature, touting the rational road to recovery and these programs work well for many people. But the spiritual aspect of AA is not what bothers me at all. I want my recovery to inform my spirituality and vice versa so the secular programs left me feeling like something was missing as well.

I'm excited about exploring this framework here at Eclectic Recovery.

I'd like to apologize to anyone in AA that I offended with my last post. Many AA members in my face to face community and in the blogging community have been really wonderful to me and I'm afraid it sounded a lot like I don't appreciate it. I do. Very much.

I still feel very conflicted about AA and probably what I should've said was that AA feels the same to me in many ways as the Baptist church did. I'm starting to gain some understanding of why this is, but it's still very much in process and I'm not ready to write anymore about it further at this time.

In the meantime, my commitment to sobriety is strong and right now I feel good with what I'm doing to support and encourage that commitment. Between therapy, getting signed up with the local cd center - which happens next week, finally! - , work, exercise, friends, Brent, writer's group and whatever else comes up I'm managing to stay just busy enough and still have time to give much consideration to the changes that are taking place within me. I don't have much money, but I have time to focus, time to rest and prepare myself good food, time to write, time to pray, even time to do absolutely nothing.

I'm also doing some interesting reading which I will post about more in the coming days. I hope you'll keep coming back. Pun fully intended.

Thoughts on Day 33

I've been sober 33 days. I have once again been visited by the grace that makes it possible for me to not only stay sober, but to enjoy myself and feel a great sense of gratitude that I have another opportunity to live. I worry about the future, of course. With my history of sobriety and relapse, there's no way not to and I've once again come to the realization that sobriety is the only foundation on which to build my life. It's been a difficult 33 days in many ways, but it hasn't been difficult to avoid the drink; I really don't want it, but I'm pretty sure the day will come when I do.

I'm putting together a plan so that when that day comes, I will hopefully get through it to see another sober day. Here's my relapse prevention plan to date:

Before I decide to drink, I will:

Call someone sober. (I actually have names and phone numbers here.)
Go to an AA meeting.
Post on LSR list.
Optional calls: more names and numbers.
Write here.
Check what seems to be working and what doesn't.
Go to someone's house.

I want to say a few words here about AA. I said in a recent post that I'd reopened my heart to the value of AA, and I have. It's not lost on me the value of a large group of people gathering together for a common purpose - to stay sober. I think it would be pretty stupid of me at this point to not take advantage of every means available to support my sobriety. But I have no more intention of getting a sponsor, or working the 12 steps, or immersing myself in the AA lifestyle than I have of going back to the Baptist church and expecting Jesus to save me from myself - and yes, I think they are very close to the same thing.

I was disturbed by a post I read recently in which the writer, a long-time sober member of AA, was railing about people that attend AA and don't do it exactly the way it says to do it in the Big Book. She even diagnosed all the rest of us that don't get sober through AA as not real alcoholics and this is not the first time I have heard this drivel. As a matter of fact, it is common enough in AA meetings as is the notion that if anyone veers from the structured program, not only are they hurting themselves but they could actually kill someone else with their ignorance should they speak this blasphemy aloud. I don't know. What happened to sharing experience, strength and hope? It seems more like judgementalism and condmenation to me. When I see a woman (and it's usually women and minorities, ever wonder why that is?) that comes in and out of AA, I don't automatically think, "Well I wonder what's wrong with her. I wonder why she can't get it. Poor sot." I think, "I wonder if a different set of steps or a different approach might be the key to recovery for this person."

I will continue to attend AA for now, while I feel I need it, on the basis of the third tradition which states that the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. I've long thought the traditions were more brilliant than the steps and I'm grateful for that third one because until the existing paradigm shifts, AA is still the only game in town for support meetings. Things are changing, they're just changing very slowly. In order to be part of that change, I need to be sober. There are too many people who give up (I know, I was one) because there are too few choices and too little tolerance in the choices that are available. Giving up is no longer an option.

Tarot Thursday on Wednesday

I'm starting an in-depth study of the tarot. I've had my own cards for a few years, but the cards don't work if the student is not spiritually centered and I haven't exactly been spiritually centered for awhile. I've been amazed at how differently the cards are speaking to me now that I am sober and committed to staying that way. The Univerise is opening itself in so many ways and I am humbled and awed.

So, Elena at Lunar Musings is doing a tarot study group and what she has done is wonderful and gorgeous! I am so looking forward to going through the cards this way. Elena has a strong intuitive grasp of the cards, is able to write about them in a clear and easy-to-understand way and has done an incredible job with setting up this project. Look at the right-hand page of her blog to see the link to Tarot Thursday. I had trouble downloading the badge, but will try again later.

In the meantime, I've been spending quite a bit of time with the cards and have begun journaling with them. Yesterday I chose one major arcana card and one minor arcana card to spend a few days with - these are my two cards:

The Chariot: Adversity, possibly already overcome. Conflicting influences. Turmoil. Vengeance. Success. Possibly a voyage or journey. Escape. Rushing to a decision. Need to pay attention to details. Urgency to gain control of one's emotions.

Queen of Wands: A sympathetic and understanding person. Friendly. Loving. Chaste. Practical. Charm and grace. Gracious hostess. Sincere interest in others.

One really interesting thing about these two cards is that the figure in each card is the exact same figure - only one is a man and one is a woman.

Adversity. Possibly already overcome. Success. Conflucting influences. Friendly, loving, practical.

Let me say now that I'm terrible about keeping up with a project where I need to post weekly. This week I have a friend visiting from out of town and will probably be away from the computer for a few days. So when I feel the cards have something to say about my recovery, I will post about it here, but up front I'm not going to try and post every Thursday. However, I did want to post about it and link to it because Elena has done such a beautiful job and I think it's going to be a fantastic learning process and a great addition to my recovery work.

Hands

It is a Monday evening and I've been sober 25 days. Each day is a challenge and I find myself wishing I hadn't waited so long to stop drinking again. Looking back, it doesn't seem like I had that much choice, but I know I did. I'm trying hard not to beat myself up about it and I think it's actually an energy I can use to sustain my sobriety. I forgot that for me the most important thing, the first thing and sometimes the only thing, is to not drink. When you have alcoholism, sobriety is sobriety and everything else is everything else. I forgot that for a long time.

I seem to be getting back to my right mind. I'm glad there are meetings to attend, e-mail lists to particpate in and blogs to read. I'm grateful for all the hands that are reaching out for me.

FEAR

My fear is a great and dark beast who visits my dreams and stalks my waking hours. I fear many things: death, disease, old age, losing people I love, failure, success, poverty, riches, the past, the future. I try to hide from the beast like a child playing hide-and-seek who thinks he has finally found the one place in all the world where no one can find him. Then he realizes that everyone has stopped looking for him and he is alone and terrified in his hidey-spot, just he and the beast. His frustration grow as he realizes there is no hiding from that which lives inside. So he begins to run as fast and as hard as he can, run like the wind, run like there is no tomorrow, run for your life. Soon his lttle legs are like putty and his lungs can't keep enough air to sustain his flight and he falls exhausted in a heap. He covers his eyes and when he finally gathers the courage to peek through his fingers, the beast is there - calmly waiting, eyelids slowly blinking with patience that knows no bounds, no space, no time. However long it takes the beast will wait. The boy begins to look into those eyes, huge liquid things that suck him in like quicksand. They are his own eyes, a mirror into the unseen depths of that which is he. As he slowly gives himself over to the beast's gaze a wondrous thing happens. The fear dissipates and is replaced by a great joy. Warmth enfolds his being as he is filled with love and a sense of homecoming, of protection and safety. How can this be, he wonders. Is it possible that all the beast ever wanted was his attention, that his acknowledgement was the key to transformation? Still, the boy is exhausted. He falls into a deep and peaceful sleep and when he awakes he thinks he is alone until he realizes that he has a new friend living inside him. And he is not afraid.

Intense Pressure

This term, intense pressure, is the best description I've come up with thus far to describe the past few months of my life. I have felt an increasing sense of urgency to DECIDE NOW! how I will live the next 20 years of my life. Making decisions at 47 years of age is a world away from making them at 27 or 37.

I'm in a somewhat precarious situation here in Montana - 2000 miles away from family and life-time friends. There is a business in Georgia that I could run if I decided to go back and my inability to find full-time employment here is creating a lot of financial stress. I have been considering moving in with Brent and attending the college in Kalispell, but I don't think I'm ready to live with him, or anyone.

What I'm realizing is that I can't make any of these decisions while I'm still feeling the intense pressure to DECIDE!. What I can do is stay sober one day at a time and do what is in front of me to do today. The time will come when the decisions are to be made and I can trust that when that time arrives, I will be ready.

In the meantime, there are chores to do and days to live, free of the burden of alcohol and fully participating in my own life and the lives of those I love.

Day 16

I "enrolled" at the chemical dependency center yesterday. Enrollment consisted of several questionnaires, most asking the same questions in different ways, about my alcohol and drug use. It was a difficult, but necessary exercise that put me into quite a funk. My assessment is scheduled for March 25th. I knew it would be a wait, but I didn't think it would be an entire month. I found myself thinking that by then I probably won't need the treatment and then I thought, "Are you crazy!!??!! You've been fighting this thing for 30 years! Do whatever you need to do now to ensure long-term sobriety!" That's the insidious nature of alcoholism. It warps your thinking.

We had a late winter blizzard to blow in. It snowed over a foot in 24 hours and the wind-blown snow created very low visibility and literally blasted your face as soon as you went outside. I went to work for two hours, shoveled 7-8 inches off the steps, and by the time I left, you could hardly tell they'd been touched. I was covered in snow every time I got in and out of my car and was soaked until I could get home and change. One of the things I love about living here so much is the snow, but I have to say that this wasn't fun snow. It sure will be great on top of the mountain this weekend, though.

Today is a therapy appointment, a little work, a work-out and an AA meeting. I'm actively participating on the LSR list again and it's been so helpful. Also, a friend of mine sent me this link for the Buddhist Recovery Network. It's a beautiful site with great information. I'm not Buddhist; my spirituality is eclectic, just like my recovery, but I've found many Buddhist practices helpful in my life - especially vipassana (insight or mindfulness) meditation, which I'm managing to do for about 5 minutes at a time right now. Not much, but it's a start.

Just got a phone call from my co-worker and agreed to baby-sit her three toddlers while she and her husband see a movie. Okay. It's official. I have lost my mind. That's okay as long as I don't drink. Thanks for visiting.

Gathering Allies

I'm lucky I haven't alienated everyone that could be a recovery ally for me. I know a lot of people abandoned this blog because it became more of a "how can I continue to drink" blog than a recovery blog and I don't blame them. While it's obvious that many of my methods were ill-advised and clearly not working, I think it was a process I needed to go through. At any rate, it is a process that I did go through and I am now at a point where I'm thoroughly convinced that drinking at all will not work for me. For a long, long time drinking continued to offer me some relief from the ups and downs of everyday life. Now I find myself longing for just a sense of normalcy - for just that everyday life that I've been running from. Since November, not only has drinking stopped working, it has made everything exponentially worse. My confidence plummeted, I felt abandoned by the sense of grace that had infused the 35 days I did remain sober and the depression/anxiety quickly became unbearable.

So I'm gathering recovery allies around me, my kalyana mittas, my spiritual friends. With their guidance and assistance, I am bound to succeed.

Kalyana Mitta

Kalyana Mitta is a word in the Pali language meaning "spiritual friend." One of the Buddha's disciples once said to him: "It seems, venerable sir, that half the holy life is having good spiritual friends." The Buddha replied: "In fact, the whole of the holy life is having good spiritual friends."

Day 8

Thank you so much for your comments and prayers. I so appreciate the people I've befriended through the blogging community.

I won't be able to get into the treatment center right away, and possibly not at all. But I'm sure I'll do some out-patient treatment if that doesn't work out. I wish I could get things moving faster but for now I just have to stay sober and wait and see how things develop. I have an appointment on Thursday to enroll at the chemical dependency center here. After that, I will be scheduled for an assessment and it will be decided whether in-pateint or out-patient is more appropriate.

In the meantime I have been attending AA meetings and sticking close to my sober friends. I find my heart re-opening to the value of AA even though I still have a difficult time with some aspects of it. I have a very good friend who has had me over to dinner twice this week and is checking in with me daily. Also, my friend, Pam, from Georgia is keeping in close touch and may even be coming back out for another visit soon. I've rejoined the LSR Safe e-mail list where I also have many friends and support. Both of my employers are understanding and are willing to work with me through this and my family is always a source of great love and compassion. I really have everything I need to begin this journey and 8 days is a good start.

Hopefully, this blog will improve right along with me.

Use a Feather

I went on a little trip last weekend. An unplanned, undesired but voluntary trip to a nearby psych ward/detox. Despite my best efforts, my depression continued to worsen, my mind spiraling downward like water through a drain, being sucked by forces I could no longer control and making a midnight swim in Flathead Lake in the middle of winter seem like a better and better idea. I don't think I would ever do that. But the thoughts were there, like comfort food - macaroni & cheese and chocolate cake for the unbearable quality of my feelings. So I checked myself in last Thursday in an act of fear and desperation borne of the delusion I've been living under for years. I'm sure I have many delusions, but I'm talking about the big one, the alcohol one, the one I've been writing about here, the one I thought I could handle, control, abate or just learn to live with.

I want to tell you something about the people in a psych ward. The majority of them are people just like you and me; people who at one time were living their lives more or less successfully, peoople who finally reached an impasse they couldn't manuever alone. People who had lost or were losing spouses, people who had lost jobs, people who had one domino fall and sat helplessly or fought valiantly to keep the rest from crashing down on them. Good people.

I wanted out within 24 hours. Oh yes, I'm sure I can handle it now, I'm sure I'll be okay, I'm sure I won't dive right back into a bottle of vodka. I stayed until Monday and by then I was realizing my mistake. I had sought means of moderation where none existed. I had thought that because I didn't drink and drive or drink at work or drink a pint of vodka a night like I used to, I was making progress. I had willingly embraced concepts that aren't true for me: you can analyze this thing away, you can get to the core of it and heal it, you can drink normally, you can, you can, you can. All the while drinking, drinking, drinking.

Grace had re-entered my life last November when I went 35 days without drinking. But I couldn't sustain it; it slipped from my grasp like a slippery fish from a mountain stream, splashing back into the water and swimming away from me, becoming a tiny speck in the cool green, and then gone. I've been sober since I got out, but I'm not under the illusion anymore. I'm not kidding myself that I can sustain it without further help and so I'm going for it. I will go for further treatment. I will go to AA meetings. I will re-join LSR. I will follow doctor's orders. I will use every means at my disposal to get sober and stay that way before there's nothing left of me. I'm one of the lucky ones.

I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow where I hope to obtain a referral to a state-run chemical dependency facility that I've heard good things about. A place where I can rest, re-educate myself about this thing I live with, and re-gain the strength I need to keep ahold of that grace when it comes calling. And if I feel the need to beat myself up about it all, I will use a feather.

The Art of Living

As I continue through the process of re-examining the past as it relates to the problems I've had with addiction, I am also revisiting those things that have previously proven helpful to me but that I've gotten away from for whatever reason. Things like meditation, yoga, mindfulness, prayer and ritual.

I attended a party, an Obama-rama actually, given by my fabulous friend, Cyndi, a couple of weeks ago. There was a beautiful couple there that did African drumming and dance and their positivity and energy was awe-inspiring. You know how it's just obvious when you run across people that are living their lives to the fullest and spreading their light everywhere they go? Much like my friend Cyndi herself, and a lot of my blogging friends I might add.

Well, I subsequently received an e-mail from Cyndi about a course that the woman is offering right here in Polson called The Art of Living. Now normally this is not something I would be able to afford right now, but she's offering it at a ridiculously low price and I'm so excited that I'll be able to participate Feb. 20-24! Sometimes the universe offers the perfect gift at the perfect time and this feels like one of those.

The Snake That Bit You

If something hurts you really bad

make an icon of it and put it in your sanctuary

hang it from the mirror of your car

or tuck it next to the pillow of your bed



Record the sickening thud and play it

until you fall peacefully asleep

Recall the heat of that searing shame

until it wells up in you like a cool breath



And if a poisonous snake should bite you

make a bronze cast of it and put it in a high place

Then raise your eyes to it considering well

that you are still alive, though changed



See the gaps where you have bled and

take the stitches from your closed wounds

weaving them into a mantle that you wear

for your morning and evening prayer



And if grace and goodness should require

that you look into the eyes of certain death

recall the transformations you have known

and go there knowing well . . . .



Anne Benvenuti 2006

I found this poem in the 2008 We'Moon calendar. It really speaks to me. I tried to locate the author but found a couple of Anne Benvenuti's and wasn't sure which one she was. I'd like to thank her.

You Don't Say?

This is my horoscope for this week from one of my favorite astrologists, D. K. Brainard. You can check him out at Words for the People.

Scorpio - Mars, your ruling planet, moves into your 4th House Wednesday for a six-week stay. The 4th House symbolizes the roots of your being, your foundation. On the level of samsara, or the illusion of the world, the 4th House symbolizes home, family, and the emotional patterns that grew out of your experiences of these. As you'll recall, last week's solar eclipse landed in this same area of your chart. This was an exceptionally beneficial eclipse, indicating you're now in the process of fundamentally reframing these experiences. Ideally, the outcome of this process of reinterpretation is that you are free to relate to life as a mature, powerful adult, rather than unconsciously reacting with the same fears and expectations that were burned into your mind in childhood. Mars wants to help you accelerate this process of self-exploration and release; any time you feel stuck, you can move the energy by doing something in the home. Now would be an exceptionally good time to start a home-based project such as painting the walls, refinishing the floors, or systematically going through your stuff and getting rid of anything you no longer need.

This astrology perfectly describes the position I now find myself in - one of rehashing some key things that happened in my life and becoming more aware of the ways I unconsciously continue to act on these ancient happenings. For most people, me included, that means looking back at my childhood and the people who were important in my childhood, my immediate family being first and foremost. Anyone who has ever attempted a journey such as this knows it's not an easy thing. I suppose a majority of people never really understand the ways in which they have been shaped by their family, their society, their religion and their own mind. I think I know why. It's mind-blowing!

It's also very freeing. I've known these "facts" about my life for so long, but have never examined them in the thoughtful, nonjudgmental way that I find myself doing now. Don't get me wrong; I've taken a hard look at these events before, but there was always still too much judgmentalism in my own mind to be clear about them. I had to reach a point of complete willingness to forgive - to forgive myself first of all and then everyone who I felt had hurt me in some way. That's what the depression was about and it is lifting as each day I feel the freedom of finding out who I really am.

This feels like a foundation to me; a foundation for a happier, healthier, more productive life.

Unraveling

From "The Heart of Addiction" by Lance Dodes, M.D.:

I mentioned in chapter 1 that, despite all its terrible consequences, addictive behavior at its core has an element of emotional health. How can this be?

The answer is that acting against helplessness is, after all, a normal, and valuable, feature of life. A good example of the healthy nature of this kind of action can be seen in survivors of hostage situations or political prisons. When these imprisoned people found secret ways to express an aspect of their identity that was not controlled by their captors, they found they were able to preserve a sense of themselves. Sometimes they accomplished this by recalling events from their past, or just by keeping track in their own way of their history of imprisonment. But those who entirely gave up all sense of personal power tended to sink into a deep depression, or even died. The experience of these people underlies the fact that ACTING in some form when one is trapped and helpless is not only normal, it is psychologically essential. And attempting to act against powerful feelings of helplessness is just what lies at the heart of addiction.

Seeing things this way also points to another truth. Contrary to what you have heard, suffering with an addiction in itself does not make you fundamentally psychologically "sicker" or less mature than people with a wide variety of other difficulties, who generally are not so harshly judged. The feelings and conflicts that underlie addiction are easily understandable in human terms and do not set you apart from anyone else.

These are a couple of the most important ideas I came across in Dr. Dode's book. When I began having conflict within my family (before addiciton, at about age 11), not only did I have feelings of extreme isolation and loneliness; I had a sense of helplessness (aka powerlessness) and rage. Even at age 11, I tried to act in a direct way to the situation; actually I DID act in a direct way, but I did not receive cooperation and that's when the helplessness and rage became unmanageable. Then I discovered marijuana, and alcohol on a limited basis, and I could escape from these feelings and not feel helpless.

The problem I couldn't foresee at the time was that by turning to drugs and alcohol as a solution to the situation, I became even further estranged from the very things I needed. I became a "problem child" and unconsciously sunk deeply into the guilt of that. The fact that a large number of my peers were doing the same thing further fueled my revolt. My friends and I found comraderie in our illicit activities, providing me with the sense of community that I was so desperate for. This was the early '70's, the hippies were starting to get jobs and move into the mainstream but they left a wake of peace, love and happiness through drugs that my generation eagerly grabbed onto. I remain friends with a handful of these comrades, people that I love deeply. Every one of us has struggled, or continues to struggle, with addiction, emotional and societal problems. I feel the pain for all of us and I'm trying to work my way out of it for all of us.

Seeing the roots of my addiction in this way has given me a sense of personal power back. I acted in the only way possible to retain what small sense of self I had developed up until then. However, now, over 30 years later, I have, depsite my addiction problems, or maybe partially because of them, developed a core that is based on the very things I lacked at the time: trust in the people close to me, a strong sense of community, a belief in the goodness of the Universe and a belief in the goodness of myself. I don't always feel these things even though they are all around me and undeniable, but most of the time I'm able to act as if I do.

This also helps me understand why AA didn't work for me in the long run. If what I needed was a sense of personal power and to heal the underlying fracture that occurred in my psyche, then a program based on powerlessness, steeped in patriarchal language and ideas and with a good dose of punitive Christian morality thrown in for good measure was bound to fail. I'm afraid that for those of us who need a different model, AA can do much more harm than good. The field is changing, however, as is evidenced by all the new material available, the work of people like Dr. Dodes, Charlotte Kasl and many others and the insistence of people everywhere that they be given more choices.

This work is exhausting. I don't know when I've been so bone weary and fatigued. But it feels like I'm really getting to the core and I'm committed to stick with it - remaining interested, open and optimistic.

Can You Imagine?

Can you imagine a world in which no human being suffers from alcoholism or addiction? I can. Do you often feel that your personal struggle to overcome a particular problem could be important for humanity as a whole? I do. As I move forward with my exploration into healing my own addictions, I will be meditating on this future reality, one in which all sentient beings are free of the bonds of addictive thinking and behavior. This is a form of the metta or lovingkindness meditation that many Buddhists practice in which they extend their hopes for their own transcendence to the entire human community. First, to their family and friends, then to the larger community in which they live and on to the global family of which we are all a part. I'd also like to mention that members of AA often practice a form of this meditation in which they pray for a person they are having problems with. They are instructed to pray that the troubling person be gifted with all the same things that the pray-er would want for themselves - happiness, fulfillment, strong relationships, abundance and of course, freedom. This meditation, however, carries it a bit further. Whether you have already conquered your addiction problems, or like me, are still struggling for the answers that will work, I invite you to join me in this meditation.

I met with my therapist yesterday and am happy to say that I think we will be able to work well together. She did not, as was my fear, say "Get thee to AA." We spent two hours in a general assessment and have an appointment scheduled for next week. In the meantime, I have obtained the hypnotherapy CD's from the My Way Out program and started those yesterday as well. In addition, I am using the nutritional supplements recommended in this program and will be using the anti-craving drug, Topamax, which I will start in a week or two. I started an exercise program several months ago and will continue with it as part of this holistic process. The meditation is my way of adding a spriritual component, which I believe is vital, into the mix.

This idea, that one individual's healing can imprint the entire fabric of humanity, is being brought home to me in a book I'm reading called, "Dark Night, Early Dawn" by Christopher M. Bache. Before reading this book, it all just seemed like a somewhat utopian idea, but the more I read the more real it becomes. This book is not for the faint of heart, but it rings with a truth that my soul can't deny.

Moving Forward

I finally have an appointment with a therapist this Tuesday morning. I'm eager to see her and have started a list of things I want to explore with her. In the meantime, and since it's taken a month to get an appointment, I began taking St. John's Wort for the depression I'm experiencing, along with Valerian for anxiety. These are both proven, safe and effective herbs for dealing with both of these issues and they do seem to be helping.

I've also made some decisions and I'm sure that's helping, too. I took a good look at the things I was feeling depressed about and the ones I can't do anything about - like aging - I prayed over and accepted. But there are a few things I can do something about and one is my job/career situation. I've been working two part-time jobs since I was able to after knee surgery, all the while looking for full-time work and applying for a few things. I realized that taking one of these jobs was as depressing as continuing to live without full-time work so I started looking into other options. There is a community college an hour from here that offers one and two-year programs in everything from graphic arts to medical coding. One or two years is doable plus I'm already used to being poor so what's another year or two below the poverty level? So I've got my application all filled out and am planning to start this summer. I'm thinking graphic arts but haven't fully decided yet. It sounds a lot more fun that medical coding!

As for drinking, I've been abstaining some, moderating some and still over-drinking some. I've done a lot of reading, some of which I shared in the previous post, plus I've read two other books: "The Alcoholism and Addiction Cure" by Chriss Prentiss and "My Way Out" by Roberta Jewell (not her real name). Both of these books recommend an approach that engages the physical, mental and spiritual aspects of addiction. I'm putting together a plan for myself that includes recommendations from these two books plus "The Heart of Addiction" by Lance Dodes, M.D. I'll be writing more about that in the coming week.

A New Way of Thinking

In his book, "The Heart of Addiction", Lance Dodes, M. D. asks us to consider that addiction may be a behavior designed to reverse a sense of helplessness. Dr. Dodes gives many good examples of this in his book, but I don't have to think long about my own history to discover that my first addictive impulses were directly related to feelings of helplessness.

I was eleven or so when a situation occurred in my family which left me feeling very alone, helpless and angry. Unfortunately, I wasn't old enough at the time, nor emotionally mature enough, to find an effective way of dealing with this sense of powerlessness and rage. I lost my connection to the very things I needed most to sustain me through adolescence - that emotionally-fraught passage of life when everything is new and wonderful and scary as all hell! The most important thing I lost during this time was an ability to speak up for myself and feel that I would be backed up by those closest to me. Over the next couple of years I basically shut down in order to outwardly conform to what I thought family needed me to be.

I had to be quiet. I was told I had to be quiet, or else. I found that the most effective way to be quiet was to get quietly and totally fucked up as often as possible.

I've finally realized that I can explore these issues without assigning blame. I hold nothing but the greatest love in my heart for the family that raised me and continues to be a constant source of support and strength. I had some crazy idea that looking at the past was a betrayal, that being honest about my own experience would hurt those I love, but I've come to realize nothing could be further from the truth. It's a betrayal of myself to not look, to not examine, to not understand.

From the book:

The action of addictive behavior to reverse helplessness explains its purpose, but it is only one factor in the new way to understand addiction. The second factor is an explanation of the drive behind addiction. When anyone is trapped, physically or emotionally, he or she will sooner or later feel a great anger - a rage, really, at being helpless. It is this rage at helplessness that is the nearly irresistible force that drives addiction.

There is also a third, critical, aspect of the new way to understand alcoholism and other addictions. It arises from this fact: if the purpose and drive behind addictive behavior - an effort to preserve one's power and control against helplessness - make sense, and if an addictive act is merely a very unfortunate way to express this sensible function, then it follows that there must be a better way to achieve this sensible aim. That is, addictions must be substitutes for some other, more useful actions to respond to the helplessness. Indeed, I have found that every addiction results from a redirection of energy to a substitute or displaced action (usually because another, more direct, action is not considered permissible.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Put another way, knowing that every addiction is displacement means that there is always another, specific behavior that is being ignored or denied by the substitute behavior of the addictive act, and that this alternative can be found. This idea of looking for the specific alternative is very different from finding general "triggers" to addiction, such as walking into a bar or being with drinking friends. It also differs from the usual advice to distract yourself or keep busy when the urge is upon you. Those efforts often fail because they do not address the individualized issues that are driving the addiction.

A final word about displacement. The fact that all addictions are displacements, or substitutions, is of great importance because without this displacement, addictions would not exist! It is precisely the shifting of the effort to reverse helplessness to another activity, such as drinking, that creates the phenomenon that we call addiction. When actions are taken directly to deal with helplessness, there is no addiction.

The Heart of Addiction

The following is an excerpt from a book I just finished titled, "The Heart of Addiction" by Lance Dodes, M.D.

As you know, 12-step programs have helped some people, but they also have significant limitations, many of which I have already discussed. I will first briefly review some of the limitations and problems of 12-step programs, then discuss how and why they can be helpful for those who make use of them.

To begin with, as a one-size-fits-all approach, these programs tend to be uninterested and unhelpful in understanding the individual emotional factors that determine addictive behavior. Just as serious, they tend to shame those who do not benefit from their approach. People who do not improve are regularly told that they have not "gotten it" or have not "worked the program" hard enough.

Making people feel foolish or bad if they do not benefit is consistent with AA's uncritical attitude toward itself. Unlike professional approaches, there is no effort within 12-step programs to advance their understanding of the treatment of addiction, alter their program based on its results, or suggest other treatment if theirs is not working well. Such an approach would obviously be unacceptable in any medical, psychological, or other professional treatment. It reflects the self-reinforcing nature of having a group of people all of whom believe in the same program. Without attempting to understand their successes and failures, AA and other 12-step programs are insular by nature. Put another way, these programs do not seem to recognize the nature of their "sampling bias." By attending only to their own success stories, they create an impression that everyone outside their group, if they only believed or worked hard enough, would do as well with their approach.

A corollary of this is that a number of people who have done well in AA have written or talked about it, while, needless to say, one does not see many articles from people who have not been able to benefit from AA. (You could consider this entire blog an article to that effect.) This is another kind of sampling bias, unscientifically tilting public impression toward the correctness and usefulness of AA. One particularly unfortunate result of this has been its influence on people in positions of authority to make health care decisions.

Some of the traditions and advice of 12-step programs are also harmful. For example, advice such as try to avoid being angry is particularly unwise counsel to give to someone struggling to understand and master an addiction. Likewise, myths of needing to surrender your willpower, or that you should count your days of sobriety - both tenets of AA - are also frequently unhelpful or even harmful. Surrendering your willpower suggests that because you have an addiction you should give up on your ability to manage it, and is the opposite of what is needed if you are to use your understanding to actively take control over it. Counting sober days contains the moralistic and often destructive idea of returning to zero after a slip, which inappropriately gives the message that you have failed and that you deserve this harsh punishment. As I said earlier, many people have told me of how injured they have felt by this, with its punitive character sometimes even precipitating further addictive behavior.

Indeed, there is quite a bit of unfortunate moralizing in 12-step programs. For example, in step four, you are directed to take a "fearless moral inventory" of yourself. From a positive standpoint, this may be helpful to some people who have difficulty examining themselves. But this also carries the unmistakable message that having an addiction means that you had better spend time looking at your moral failings, as if either addiction or the emotional factors contributing to it were at heart moral issues.

After my last slip, I found myself sliding into a deep depression as many of the above factors came into play for me. I once again felt like an abject failure and that my moral character must be so flawed as to render me hopeless. I was on the verge of totally giving up. Thank god I have the sense to continue to seek the answers that will fit for me. I know there are scores of people out there, who like me, continue to struggle with their addictions; who, like me, were indoctrinated that the 12-steps were the only viable option; and who, like me, know without a doubt that that program will not work for them.

I went on-line and ordered three books, two of which I have now read and one still to come. I have found "The Heart of Addiction" to be the most helpful thus far, but the other one has many good ideas which I will be discussing here in the coming weeks, along with more of Dr. Dode's understanding of addiction. He is one of the most thoughtful, compassionate, and practical writers about addiction that I have come across in a long time. A welcome advocate for us "12-step failures."

I have moved forward with seeking professional help, but it's through the state mental health department and may yet take a couple of weeks to obtain an appointment. I hope that the therapist I'm assigned will be willing to explore new treatment options with me and I have decided that if they don't, I will seek assistance elsewhere.

Sometimes it's very difficult for me to write about my experiences with AA because I have many good friends who have maintained sobriety with the 12-steps. Not only do I have no desire to alienate these people, I want and need them in my life. But it's time for me to work through all of this and I think finally time to express the whisperings of my own heart without restriction. As a matter of fact, I think that is what lies at the heart of my addiction.

Disease?

I spent a good part of the afternoon yesterday with a really good friend of mine who has been sober through AA for many years. She's been wondering what I believe about the "disease concept" and I've been giving it quite a lot of thought. Here is one of the definitions listed for disease at dictionary.com: (A pathological condition of a part, organ, or system of an organism resulting from various causes, such as infection, genetic defect, or environmental stress, and characterized by an identifiable group of signs or symptoms.) By that definition, I have no problem describing alcoholism as a disease, but what I really think is that it doesn't matter whether you believe it's a disease or not. The only thing that matters is that if you have the problem, like me, that you find a way to think of it that will encourage your return to health.

From much and extensive personal experience, here are some things I have come to believe about my alcoholism:

It is not a matter of willpower. Any periods of abstinence I enjoy are soley a component of grace being active in my life. When grace is active, it is not a struggle to remain sober.

The condition does not come about by any lack of moral strength; however, it will affect changes in moral actions due to the complete lack of inhibition brought on by the substance. When sobriety returns, morality returns, with a vengence.

My alcoholism is accompanied by a life-long problem with depression and anxiety, which seem to descend on me in cycles. These problems happened before alcoholism and I think drinking is an ineffective way that I attempt to self-medicate. It sometimes helps temporarily, but in the long run makes things much, much worse.

I don't believe in a "garden variety drunk". Some people, like me, seem pretty much alcoholic from the get-go, others seem to develop alcoholism over a period of time or in extreme stress and some people are able to return to moderate drinking without crossing that invisible line.

These are some of the things I believe about my alcoholism. I could never presume to tell you what to believe about yours or anyone else's, but I am interested. What do you believe? What is helpful to you? If you had a problem and you're now sober, how did you do it?

By the way, I'm feeling much better today and still plan to go through with seeing someone as soon as possible. I'll let you know how it goes.

The Holidaze

It's been a rough week for me. The cowboy went to California to see his family and my friend and employer, Roberta, is in Portugal so I've been alone at work, alone at home and right now my head is a bad neighborhood to be alone in. I don't know when the tears will come and when they come I don't know when they'll stop. I made some phone calls yesterday and wrote a couple of friends this morning. My one goal for today is to make contact with someone I can talk to - physical, face to face contact. Next week I hope to see someone (as in a professional) about depression, which has always gone hand in hand with alcoholism in my life. Right now, I'm not really sober and not really drinking and neither action seems to make much difference.

My ability to be in denial until I'm almost unable to function is amazing even to me. Maybe that's part of the problem, though, is that somehow I do keep functioning. I get up, get dressed, go to work, smile, say I'm fine and believe it. Ever heard the term highly functioning alcoholic? That's me. Only I ain't functioning so well right now. I saw a movie recently where the main character had disassociative (sp?) disorder. That's how I feel. I'm unable to connect with anything right now in any meaningful way. I'm just going through the motions. It's not much fun. To say the least.

Mundane Matters

It's another day and another opportunity. Yesterday was orange juice and honey, green tea and pasta, cooking meatballs, fretting about the things still left to be done and a good night's sleep. Can't beat it for sheer nurturance. The meatballs are for writer's group tonight which I'm looking forward to - after getting my hair cut and colored. It doesn't get any better than this and I really didn't plan it that way.

How do you like that picture of the brooms? I just love it for some reason.

SLIP

After 35 days sober, I had a slip. I feel a little discouraged, but not devastated. If I can make it through the next couple of days without drinking again I think I can regain my footing. A phone call from a good friend last night helped a lot. Thanks, Wendy. I'm writing here to keep myself honest and to help me get back on track. I don't want this to turn into nightly bottles of wine with the occasional bottle of vodka thrown in for good measure. I don't want to continue to disappoint the people that love me and believe in me and I don't want to lose the momentum that my hunting experience initiated. I don't want to feel bad and continue to damage my body. I don't want to experience life through the haze of alcohol.

Top Five

Things I like about being sober:

1. I feel better.

2. I'm sleeping the night through.

3. I've lost three pounds.

4. I'm saving money.

5. I feel good about myself.

You?

What Makes This Time Different?

I've been wondering if this attempt at sobriety will be any different from the many other times I've stayed sober, and unfortuantely, eventually drank again. In the past, these thoughts would have brought extreme panic and anxiety and fear! Now it's more of a current running under the surface waves. There's no panic and very little fear, but I can still feel the anxiety in my body and it's not necessarily a bad thing - it keeps me aware.

I had a soul-changing experience the day I quit - November 11th, but will that be enough to keep me sober through the remaining years of my life? Who can say? At this point, all one can do is stay sober today with a nod to doing the same thing tomorrow. But I'm wondering if I will get a few months in and decide to experiment again. Why have I experimented? Well, it's because I believed in the possibility of affecting a complete and total cure from alcoholism, a cure that would include a return to moderate drinking. And I know it's possible because I know people who have done it. Here's the thing: I haven't done it. I haven't done it and I'm not as young as I used to be, but I'm still young enough to feel like I have a lot of life yet to live. Since moving to Montana six years ago, I've developed a lot of things for myself that I didn't have before. In the most mundane of terms, I feel like I've finally individuated, that I have the courage to actually be myself without guilt even if the regret hangs around.

I'm wondering if I would ever go back to AA or try any other recovery program and I'm pretty sure the answer is no. I find them too dogmatic, too strict and fundamental. I think recovery should be expansive and I don't find myself expanding in those formats. Lifering Secular Recovery is the only thing I've found where you build your own program and the group acts soley as a support for that, but I'm not inclined to go rushing back there either.

I am, however, interested to see what I will do. Today I feel good, and like everything, that will change and I will feel bad, and then I will feel good again. That's life. I'm glad to be part of it.

Reviving Eclectic Recovery

I've decided to revive Eclectic Recovery, the blog. On November 11th I had my last drink. I can't be absolutely, positively, 100% sure, but this feels like the beginning of a long recovery phase. This blog was about my attempts to become a moderate drinker, which sometimes seemed to be working, but most of the time didn't. Because my relationship with alcohol changed in some ways, I thought I might be onto something, but I wasn't. I would like to say that I simply changed my mind and decided not to drink anymore, but that has never worked very well for this problem, despite my beliefs about positive thinking, good intentions, visioning, etc. What really happened is that I had an experience that opened a window of opportunity for me that I have become not only willing, but eager to walk through. I didn't have a lot to do with it.

I had decided on November 10th that it would be my last day of drinking, but I was still feeling doubtful about my ability to actually stay sober. Then, on November 11th, I had a deeply life-changing experience that I couldn't have orchestrated on my own in my wildest imaginings. If you're interested, you can read about it here: http://www.bigskychurch.wordpress.com./ In the meantime, I'm going to revive Electic Recovery. I hope that in the days and months ahead you will come here and find something that helps you in your own struggle - whether it be with alcohol, food, gambling, sex, or just plain life.