Day 8

Thank you so much for your comments and prayers. I so appreciate the people I've befriended through the blogging community.

I won't be able to get into the treatment center right away, and possibly not at all. But I'm sure I'll do some out-patient treatment if that doesn't work out. I wish I could get things moving faster but for now I just have to stay sober and wait and see how things develop. I have an appointment on Thursday to enroll at the chemical dependency center here. After that, I will be scheduled for an assessment and it will be decided whether in-pateint or out-patient is more appropriate.

In the meantime I have been attending AA meetings and sticking close to my sober friends. I find my heart re-opening to the value of AA even though I still have a difficult time with some aspects of it. I have a very good friend who has had me over to dinner twice this week and is checking in with me daily. Also, my friend, Pam, from Georgia is keeping in close touch and may even be coming back out for another visit soon. I've rejoined the LSR Safe e-mail list where I also have many friends and support. Both of my employers are understanding and are willing to work with me through this and my family is always a source of great love and compassion. I really have everything I need to begin this journey and 8 days is a good start.

Hopefully, this blog will improve right along with me.

Use a Feather

I went on a little trip last weekend. An unplanned, undesired but voluntary trip to a nearby psych ward/detox. Despite my best efforts, my depression continued to worsen, my mind spiraling downward like water through a drain, being sucked by forces I could no longer control and making a midnight swim in Flathead Lake in the middle of winter seem like a better and better idea. I don't think I would ever do that. But the thoughts were there, like comfort food - macaroni & cheese and chocolate cake for the unbearable quality of my feelings. So I checked myself in last Thursday in an act of fear and desperation borne of the delusion I've been living under for years. I'm sure I have many delusions, but I'm talking about the big one, the alcohol one, the one I've been writing about here, the one I thought I could handle, control, abate or just learn to live with.

I want to tell you something about the people in a psych ward. The majority of them are people just like you and me; people who at one time were living their lives more or less successfully, peoople who finally reached an impasse they couldn't manuever alone. People who had lost or were losing spouses, people who had lost jobs, people who had one domino fall and sat helplessly or fought valiantly to keep the rest from crashing down on them. Good people.

I wanted out within 24 hours. Oh yes, I'm sure I can handle it now, I'm sure I'll be okay, I'm sure I won't dive right back into a bottle of vodka. I stayed until Monday and by then I was realizing my mistake. I had sought means of moderation where none existed. I had thought that because I didn't drink and drive or drink at work or drink a pint of vodka a night like I used to, I was making progress. I had willingly embraced concepts that aren't true for me: you can analyze this thing away, you can get to the core of it and heal it, you can drink normally, you can, you can, you can. All the while drinking, drinking, drinking.

Grace had re-entered my life last November when I went 35 days without drinking. But I couldn't sustain it; it slipped from my grasp like a slippery fish from a mountain stream, splashing back into the water and swimming away from me, becoming a tiny speck in the cool green, and then gone. I've been sober since I got out, but I'm not under the illusion anymore. I'm not kidding myself that I can sustain it without further help and so I'm going for it. I will go for further treatment. I will go to AA meetings. I will re-join LSR. I will follow doctor's orders. I will use every means at my disposal to get sober and stay that way before there's nothing left of me. I'm one of the lucky ones.

I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow where I hope to obtain a referral to a state-run chemical dependency facility that I've heard good things about. A place where I can rest, re-educate myself about this thing I live with, and re-gain the strength I need to keep ahold of that grace when it comes calling. And if I feel the need to beat myself up about it all, I will use a feather.

The Art of Living

As I continue through the process of re-examining the past as it relates to the problems I've had with addiction, I am also revisiting those things that have previously proven helpful to me but that I've gotten away from for whatever reason. Things like meditation, yoga, mindfulness, prayer and ritual.

I attended a party, an Obama-rama actually, given by my fabulous friend, Cyndi, a couple of weeks ago. There was a beautiful couple there that did African drumming and dance and their positivity and energy was awe-inspiring. You know how it's just obvious when you run across people that are living their lives to the fullest and spreading their light everywhere they go? Much like my friend Cyndi herself, and a lot of my blogging friends I might add.

Well, I subsequently received an e-mail from Cyndi about a course that the woman is offering right here in Polson called The Art of Living. Now normally this is not something I would be able to afford right now, but she's offering it at a ridiculously low price and I'm so excited that I'll be able to participate Feb. 20-24! Sometimes the universe offers the perfect gift at the perfect time and this feels like one of those.

The Snake That Bit You

If something hurts you really bad

make an icon of it and put it in your sanctuary

hang it from the mirror of your car

or tuck it next to the pillow of your bed



Record the sickening thud and play it

until you fall peacefully asleep

Recall the heat of that searing shame

until it wells up in you like a cool breath



And if a poisonous snake should bite you

make a bronze cast of it and put it in a high place

Then raise your eyes to it considering well

that you are still alive, though changed



See the gaps where you have bled and

take the stitches from your closed wounds

weaving them into a mantle that you wear

for your morning and evening prayer



And if grace and goodness should require

that you look into the eyes of certain death

recall the transformations you have known

and go there knowing well . . . .



Anne Benvenuti 2006

I found this poem in the 2008 We'Moon calendar. It really speaks to me. I tried to locate the author but found a couple of Anne Benvenuti's and wasn't sure which one she was. I'd like to thank her.

You Don't Say?

This is my horoscope for this week from one of my favorite astrologists, D. K. Brainard. You can check him out at Words for the People.

Scorpio - Mars, your ruling planet, moves into your 4th House Wednesday for a six-week stay. The 4th House symbolizes the roots of your being, your foundation. On the level of samsara, or the illusion of the world, the 4th House symbolizes home, family, and the emotional patterns that grew out of your experiences of these. As you'll recall, last week's solar eclipse landed in this same area of your chart. This was an exceptionally beneficial eclipse, indicating you're now in the process of fundamentally reframing these experiences. Ideally, the outcome of this process of reinterpretation is that you are free to relate to life as a mature, powerful adult, rather than unconsciously reacting with the same fears and expectations that were burned into your mind in childhood. Mars wants to help you accelerate this process of self-exploration and release; any time you feel stuck, you can move the energy by doing something in the home. Now would be an exceptionally good time to start a home-based project such as painting the walls, refinishing the floors, or systematically going through your stuff and getting rid of anything you no longer need.

This astrology perfectly describes the position I now find myself in - one of rehashing some key things that happened in my life and becoming more aware of the ways I unconsciously continue to act on these ancient happenings. For most people, me included, that means looking back at my childhood and the people who were important in my childhood, my immediate family being first and foremost. Anyone who has ever attempted a journey such as this knows it's not an easy thing. I suppose a majority of people never really understand the ways in which they have been shaped by their family, their society, their religion and their own mind. I think I know why. It's mind-blowing!

It's also very freeing. I've known these "facts" about my life for so long, but have never examined them in the thoughtful, nonjudgmental way that I find myself doing now. Don't get me wrong; I've taken a hard look at these events before, but there was always still too much judgmentalism in my own mind to be clear about them. I had to reach a point of complete willingness to forgive - to forgive myself first of all and then everyone who I felt had hurt me in some way. That's what the depression was about and it is lifting as each day I feel the freedom of finding out who I really am.

This feels like a foundation to me; a foundation for a happier, healthier, more productive life.

Unraveling

From "The Heart of Addiction" by Lance Dodes, M.D.:

I mentioned in chapter 1 that, despite all its terrible consequences, addictive behavior at its core has an element of emotional health. How can this be?

The answer is that acting against helplessness is, after all, a normal, and valuable, feature of life. A good example of the healthy nature of this kind of action can be seen in survivors of hostage situations or political prisons. When these imprisoned people found secret ways to express an aspect of their identity that was not controlled by their captors, they found they were able to preserve a sense of themselves. Sometimes they accomplished this by recalling events from their past, or just by keeping track in their own way of their history of imprisonment. But those who entirely gave up all sense of personal power tended to sink into a deep depression, or even died. The experience of these people underlies the fact that ACTING in some form when one is trapped and helpless is not only normal, it is psychologically essential. And attempting to act against powerful feelings of helplessness is just what lies at the heart of addiction.

Seeing things this way also points to another truth. Contrary to what you have heard, suffering with an addiction in itself does not make you fundamentally psychologically "sicker" or less mature than people with a wide variety of other difficulties, who generally are not so harshly judged. The feelings and conflicts that underlie addiction are easily understandable in human terms and do not set you apart from anyone else.

These are a couple of the most important ideas I came across in Dr. Dode's book. When I began having conflict within my family (before addiciton, at about age 11), not only did I have feelings of extreme isolation and loneliness; I had a sense of helplessness (aka powerlessness) and rage. Even at age 11, I tried to act in a direct way to the situation; actually I DID act in a direct way, but I did not receive cooperation and that's when the helplessness and rage became unmanageable. Then I discovered marijuana, and alcohol on a limited basis, and I could escape from these feelings and not feel helpless.

The problem I couldn't foresee at the time was that by turning to drugs and alcohol as a solution to the situation, I became even further estranged from the very things I needed. I became a "problem child" and unconsciously sunk deeply into the guilt of that. The fact that a large number of my peers were doing the same thing further fueled my revolt. My friends and I found comraderie in our illicit activities, providing me with the sense of community that I was so desperate for. This was the early '70's, the hippies were starting to get jobs and move into the mainstream but they left a wake of peace, love and happiness through drugs that my generation eagerly grabbed onto. I remain friends with a handful of these comrades, people that I love deeply. Every one of us has struggled, or continues to struggle, with addiction, emotional and societal problems. I feel the pain for all of us and I'm trying to work my way out of it for all of us.

Seeing the roots of my addiction in this way has given me a sense of personal power back. I acted in the only way possible to retain what small sense of self I had developed up until then. However, now, over 30 years later, I have, depsite my addiction problems, or maybe partially because of them, developed a core that is based on the very things I lacked at the time: trust in the people close to me, a strong sense of community, a belief in the goodness of the Universe and a belief in the goodness of myself. I don't always feel these things even though they are all around me and undeniable, but most of the time I'm able to act as if I do.

This also helps me understand why AA didn't work for me in the long run. If what I needed was a sense of personal power and to heal the underlying fracture that occurred in my psyche, then a program based on powerlessness, steeped in patriarchal language and ideas and with a good dose of punitive Christian morality thrown in for good measure was bound to fail. I'm afraid that for those of us who need a different model, AA can do much more harm than good. The field is changing, however, as is evidenced by all the new material available, the work of people like Dr. Dodes, Charlotte Kasl and many others and the insistence of people everywhere that they be given more choices.

This work is exhausting. I don't know when I've been so bone weary and fatigued. But it feels like I'm really getting to the core and I'm committed to stick with it - remaining interested, open and optimistic.

Can You Imagine?

Can you imagine a world in which no human being suffers from alcoholism or addiction? I can. Do you often feel that your personal struggle to overcome a particular problem could be important for humanity as a whole? I do. As I move forward with my exploration into healing my own addictions, I will be meditating on this future reality, one in which all sentient beings are free of the bonds of addictive thinking and behavior. This is a form of the metta or lovingkindness meditation that many Buddhists practice in which they extend their hopes for their own transcendence to the entire human community. First, to their family and friends, then to the larger community in which they live and on to the global family of which we are all a part. I'd also like to mention that members of AA often practice a form of this meditation in which they pray for a person they are having problems with. They are instructed to pray that the troubling person be gifted with all the same things that the pray-er would want for themselves - happiness, fulfillment, strong relationships, abundance and of course, freedom. This meditation, however, carries it a bit further. Whether you have already conquered your addiction problems, or like me, are still struggling for the answers that will work, I invite you to join me in this meditation.

I met with my therapist yesterday and am happy to say that I think we will be able to work well together. She did not, as was my fear, say "Get thee to AA." We spent two hours in a general assessment and have an appointment scheduled for next week. In the meantime, I have obtained the hypnotherapy CD's from the My Way Out program and started those yesterday as well. In addition, I am using the nutritional supplements recommended in this program and will be using the anti-craving drug, Topamax, which I will start in a week or two. I started an exercise program several months ago and will continue with it as part of this holistic process. The meditation is my way of adding a spriritual component, which I believe is vital, into the mix.

This idea, that one individual's healing can imprint the entire fabric of humanity, is being brought home to me in a book I'm reading called, "Dark Night, Early Dawn" by Christopher M. Bache. Before reading this book, it all just seemed like a somewhat utopian idea, but the more I read the more real it becomes. This book is not for the faint of heart, but it rings with a truth that my soul can't deny.

Moving Forward

I finally have an appointment with a therapist this Tuesday morning. I'm eager to see her and have started a list of things I want to explore with her. In the meantime, and since it's taken a month to get an appointment, I began taking St. John's Wort for the depression I'm experiencing, along with Valerian for anxiety. These are both proven, safe and effective herbs for dealing with both of these issues and they do seem to be helping.

I've also made some decisions and I'm sure that's helping, too. I took a good look at the things I was feeling depressed about and the ones I can't do anything about - like aging - I prayed over and accepted. But there are a few things I can do something about and one is my job/career situation. I've been working two part-time jobs since I was able to after knee surgery, all the while looking for full-time work and applying for a few things. I realized that taking one of these jobs was as depressing as continuing to live without full-time work so I started looking into other options. There is a community college an hour from here that offers one and two-year programs in everything from graphic arts to medical coding. One or two years is doable plus I'm already used to being poor so what's another year or two below the poverty level? So I've got my application all filled out and am planning to start this summer. I'm thinking graphic arts but haven't fully decided yet. It sounds a lot more fun that medical coding!

As for drinking, I've been abstaining some, moderating some and still over-drinking some. I've done a lot of reading, some of which I shared in the previous post, plus I've read two other books: "The Alcoholism and Addiction Cure" by Chriss Prentiss and "My Way Out" by Roberta Jewell (not her real name). Both of these books recommend an approach that engages the physical, mental and spiritual aspects of addiction. I'm putting together a plan for myself that includes recommendations from these two books plus "The Heart of Addiction" by Lance Dodes, M.D. I'll be writing more about that in the coming week.

A New Way of Thinking

In his book, "The Heart of Addiction", Lance Dodes, M. D. asks us to consider that addiction may be a behavior designed to reverse a sense of helplessness. Dr. Dodes gives many good examples of this in his book, but I don't have to think long about my own history to discover that my first addictive impulses were directly related to feelings of helplessness.

I was eleven or so when a situation occurred in my family which left me feeling very alone, helpless and angry. Unfortunately, I wasn't old enough at the time, nor emotionally mature enough, to find an effective way of dealing with this sense of powerlessness and rage. I lost my connection to the very things I needed most to sustain me through adolescence - that emotionally-fraught passage of life when everything is new and wonderful and scary as all hell! The most important thing I lost during this time was an ability to speak up for myself and feel that I would be backed up by those closest to me. Over the next couple of years I basically shut down in order to outwardly conform to what I thought family needed me to be.

I had to be quiet. I was told I had to be quiet, or else. I found that the most effective way to be quiet was to get quietly and totally fucked up as often as possible.

I've finally realized that I can explore these issues without assigning blame. I hold nothing but the greatest love in my heart for the family that raised me and continues to be a constant source of support and strength. I had some crazy idea that looking at the past was a betrayal, that being honest about my own experience would hurt those I love, but I've come to realize nothing could be further from the truth. It's a betrayal of myself to not look, to not examine, to not understand.

From the book:

The action of addictive behavior to reverse helplessness explains its purpose, but it is only one factor in the new way to understand addiction. The second factor is an explanation of the drive behind addiction. When anyone is trapped, physically or emotionally, he or she will sooner or later feel a great anger - a rage, really, at being helpless. It is this rage at helplessness that is the nearly irresistible force that drives addiction.

There is also a third, critical, aspect of the new way to understand alcoholism and other addictions. It arises from this fact: if the purpose and drive behind addictive behavior - an effort to preserve one's power and control against helplessness - make sense, and if an addictive act is merely a very unfortunate way to express this sensible function, then it follows that there must be a better way to achieve this sensible aim. That is, addictions must be substitutes for some other, more useful actions to respond to the helplessness. Indeed, I have found that every addiction results from a redirection of energy to a substitute or displaced action (usually because another, more direct, action is not considered permissible.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Put another way, knowing that every addiction is displacement means that there is always another, specific behavior that is being ignored or denied by the substitute behavior of the addictive act, and that this alternative can be found. This idea of looking for the specific alternative is very different from finding general "triggers" to addiction, such as walking into a bar or being with drinking friends. It also differs from the usual advice to distract yourself or keep busy when the urge is upon you. Those efforts often fail because they do not address the individualized issues that are driving the addiction.

A final word about displacement. The fact that all addictions are displacements, or substitutions, is of great importance because without this displacement, addictions would not exist! It is precisely the shifting of the effort to reverse helplessness to another activity, such as drinking, that creates the phenomenon that we call addiction. When actions are taken directly to deal with helplessness, there is no addiction.

The Heart of Addiction

The following is an excerpt from a book I just finished titled, "The Heart of Addiction" by Lance Dodes, M.D.

As you know, 12-step programs have helped some people, but they also have significant limitations, many of which I have already discussed. I will first briefly review some of the limitations and problems of 12-step programs, then discuss how and why they can be helpful for those who make use of them.

To begin with, as a one-size-fits-all approach, these programs tend to be uninterested and unhelpful in understanding the individual emotional factors that determine addictive behavior. Just as serious, they tend to shame those who do not benefit from their approach. People who do not improve are regularly told that they have not "gotten it" or have not "worked the program" hard enough.

Making people feel foolish or bad if they do not benefit is consistent with AA's uncritical attitude toward itself. Unlike professional approaches, there is no effort within 12-step programs to advance their understanding of the treatment of addiction, alter their program based on its results, or suggest other treatment if theirs is not working well. Such an approach would obviously be unacceptable in any medical, psychological, or other professional treatment. It reflects the self-reinforcing nature of having a group of people all of whom believe in the same program. Without attempting to understand their successes and failures, AA and other 12-step programs are insular by nature. Put another way, these programs do not seem to recognize the nature of their "sampling bias." By attending only to their own success stories, they create an impression that everyone outside their group, if they only believed or worked hard enough, would do as well with their approach.

A corollary of this is that a number of people who have done well in AA have written or talked about it, while, needless to say, one does not see many articles from people who have not been able to benefit from AA. (You could consider this entire blog an article to that effect.) This is another kind of sampling bias, unscientifically tilting public impression toward the correctness and usefulness of AA. One particularly unfortunate result of this has been its influence on people in positions of authority to make health care decisions.

Some of the traditions and advice of 12-step programs are also harmful. For example, advice such as try to avoid being angry is particularly unwise counsel to give to someone struggling to understand and master an addiction. Likewise, myths of needing to surrender your willpower, or that you should count your days of sobriety - both tenets of AA - are also frequently unhelpful or even harmful. Surrendering your willpower suggests that because you have an addiction you should give up on your ability to manage it, and is the opposite of what is needed if you are to use your understanding to actively take control over it. Counting sober days contains the moralistic and often destructive idea of returning to zero after a slip, which inappropriately gives the message that you have failed and that you deserve this harsh punishment. As I said earlier, many people have told me of how injured they have felt by this, with its punitive character sometimes even precipitating further addictive behavior.

Indeed, there is quite a bit of unfortunate moralizing in 12-step programs. For example, in step four, you are directed to take a "fearless moral inventory" of yourself. From a positive standpoint, this may be helpful to some people who have difficulty examining themselves. But this also carries the unmistakable message that having an addiction means that you had better spend time looking at your moral failings, as if either addiction or the emotional factors contributing to it were at heart moral issues.

After my last slip, I found myself sliding into a deep depression as many of the above factors came into play for me. I once again felt like an abject failure and that my moral character must be so flawed as to render me hopeless. I was on the verge of totally giving up. Thank god I have the sense to continue to seek the answers that will fit for me. I know there are scores of people out there, who like me, continue to struggle with their addictions; who, like me, were indoctrinated that the 12-steps were the only viable option; and who, like me, know without a doubt that that program will not work for them.

I went on-line and ordered three books, two of which I have now read and one still to come. I have found "The Heart of Addiction" to be the most helpful thus far, but the other one has many good ideas which I will be discussing here in the coming weeks, along with more of Dr. Dode's understanding of addiction. He is one of the most thoughtful, compassionate, and practical writers about addiction that I have come across in a long time. A welcome advocate for us "12-step failures."

I have moved forward with seeking professional help, but it's through the state mental health department and may yet take a couple of weeks to obtain an appointment. I hope that the therapist I'm assigned will be willing to explore new treatment options with me and I have decided that if they don't, I will seek assistance elsewhere.

Sometimes it's very difficult for me to write about my experiences with AA because I have many good friends who have maintained sobriety with the 12-steps. Not only do I have no desire to alienate these people, I want and need them in my life. But it's time for me to work through all of this and I think finally time to express the whisperings of my own heart without restriction. As a matter of fact, I think that is what lies at the heart of my addiction.

Disease?

I spent a good part of the afternoon yesterday with a really good friend of mine who has been sober through AA for many years. She's been wondering what I believe about the "disease concept" and I've been giving it quite a lot of thought. Here is one of the definitions listed for disease at dictionary.com: (A pathological condition of a part, organ, or system of an organism resulting from various causes, such as infection, genetic defect, or environmental stress, and characterized by an identifiable group of signs or symptoms.) By that definition, I have no problem describing alcoholism as a disease, but what I really think is that it doesn't matter whether you believe it's a disease or not. The only thing that matters is that if you have the problem, like me, that you find a way to think of it that will encourage your return to health.

From much and extensive personal experience, here are some things I have come to believe about my alcoholism:

It is not a matter of willpower. Any periods of abstinence I enjoy are soley a component of grace being active in my life. When grace is active, it is not a struggle to remain sober.

The condition does not come about by any lack of moral strength; however, it will affect changes in moral actions due to the complete lack of inhibition brought on by the substance. When sobriety returns, morality returns, with a vengence.

My alcoholism is accompanied by a life-long problem with depression and anxiety, which seem to descend on me in cycles. These problems happened before alcoholism and I think drinking is an ineffective way that I attempt to self-medicate. It sometimes helps temporarily, but in the long run makes things much, much worse.

I don't believe in a "garden variety drunk". Some people, like me, seem pretty much alcoholic from the get-go, others seem to develop alcoholism over a period of time or in extreme stress and some people are able to return to moderate drinking without crossing that invisible line.

These are some of the things I believe about my alcoholism. I could never presume to tell you what to believe about yours or anyone else's, but I am interested. What do you believe? What is helpful to you? If you had a problem and you're now sober, how did you do it?

By the way, I'm feeling much better today and still plan to go through with seeing someone as soon as possible. I'll let you know how it goes.

The Holidaze

It's been a rough week for me. The cowboy went to California to see his family and my friend and employer, Roberta, is in Portugal so I've been alone at work, alone at home and right now my head is a bad neighborhood to be alone in. I don't know when the tears will come and when they come I don't know when they'll stop. I made some phone calls yesterday and wrote a couple of friends this morning. My one goal for today is to make contact with someone I can talk to - physical, face to face contact. Next week I hope to see someone (as in a professional) about depression, which has always gone hand in hand with alcoholism in my life. Right now, I'm not really sober and not really drinking and neither action seems to make much difference.

My ability to be in denial until I'm almost unable to function is amazing even to me. Maybe that's part of the problem, though, is that somehow I do keep functioning. I get up, get dressed, go to work, smile, say I'm fine and believe it. Ever heard the term highly functioning alcoholic? That's me. Only I ain't functioning so well right now. I saw a movie recently where the main character had disassociative (sp?) disorder. That's how I feel. I'm unable to connect with anything right now in any meaningful way. I'm just going through the motions. It's not much fun. To say the least.

Mundane Matters

It's another day and another opportunity. Yesterday was orange juice and honey, green tea and pasta, cooking meatballs, fretting about the things still left to be done and a good night's sleep. Can't beat it for sheer nurturance. The meatballs are for writer's group tonight which I'm looking forward to - after getting my hair cut and colored. It doesn't get any better than this and I really didn't plan it that way.

How do you like that picture of the brooms? I just love it for some reason.

SLIP

After 35 days sober, I had a slip. I feel a little discouraged, but not devastated. If I can make it through the next couple of days without drinking again I think I can regain my footing. A phone call from a good friend last night helped a lot. Thanks, Wendy. I'm writing here to keep myself honest and to help me get back on track. I don't want this to turn into nightly bottles of wine with the occasional bottle of vodka thrown in for good measure. I don't want to continue to disappoint the people that love me and believe in me and I don't want to lose the momentum that my hunting experience initiated. I don't want to feel bad and continue to damage my body. I don't want to experience life through the haze of alcohol.

Top Five

Things I like about being sober:

1. I feel better.

2. I'm sleeping the night through.

3. I've lost three pounds.

4. I'm saving money.

5. I feel good about myself.

You?

What Makes This Time Different?

I've been wondering if this attempt at sobriety will be any different from the many other times I've stayed sober, and unfortuantely, eventually drank again. In the past, these thoughts would have brought extreme panic and anxiety and fear! Now it's more of a current running under the surface waves. There's no panic and very little fear, but I can still feel the anxiety in my body and it's not necessarily a bad thing - it keeps me aware.

I had a soul-changing experience the day I quit - November 11th, but will that be enough to keep me sober through the remaining years of my life? Who can say? At this point, all one can do is stay sober today with a nod to doing the same thing tomorrow. But I'm wondering if I will get a few months in and decide to experiment again. Why have I experimented? Well, it's because I believed in the possibility of affecting a complete and total cure from alcoholism, a cure that would include a return to moderate drinking. And I know it's possible because I know people who have done it. Here's the thing: I haven't done it. I haven't done it and I'm not as young as I used to be, but I'm still young enough to feel like I have a lot of life yet to live. Since moving to Montana six years ago, I've developed a lot of things for myself that I didn't have before. In the most mundane of terms, I feel like I've finally individuated, that I have the courage to actually be myself without guilt even if the regret hangs around.

I'm wondering if I would ever go back to AA or try any other recovery program and I'm pretty sure the answer is no. I find them too dogmatic, too strict and fundamental. I think recovery should be expansive and I don't find myself expanding in those formats. Lifering Secular Recovery is the only thing I've found where you build your own program and the group acts soley as a support for that, but I'm not inclined to go rushing back there either.

I am, however, interested to see what I will do. Today I feel good, and like everything, that will change and I will feel bad, and then I will feel good again. That's life. I'm glad to be part of it.

Reviving Eclectic Recovery

I've decided to revive Eclectic Recovery, the blog. On November 11th I had my last drink. I can't be absolutely, positively, 100% sure, but this feels like the beginning of a long recovery phase. This blog was about my attempts to become a moderate drinker, which sometimes seemed to be working, but most of the time didn't. Because my relationship with alcohol changed in some ways, I thought I might be onto something, but I wasn't. I would like to say that I simply changed my mind and decided not to drink anymore, but that has never worked very well for this problem, despite my beliefs about positive thinking, good intentions, visioning, etc. What really happened is that I had an experience that opened a window of opportunity for me that I have become not only willing, but eager to walk through. I didn't have a lot to do with it.

I had decided on November 10th that it would be my last day of drinking, but I was still feeling doubtful about my ability to actually stay sober. Then, on November 11th, I had a deeply life-changing experience that I couldn't have orchestrated on my own in my wildest imaginings. If you're interested, you can read about it here: http://www.bigskychurch.wordpress.com./ In the meantime, I'm going to revive Electic Recovery. I hope that in the days and months ahead you will come here and find something that helps you in your own struggle - whether it be with alcohol, food, gambling, sex, or just plain life.

So Here's Why

I haven't been around in awhile. For a couple of weeks I just had nothing to say and then my computer went kaput and was out for a week and then when I got it back Blogger wouldn't let me start a new post and time just kept ticking by and by and suddenly it's been almost a month since I wrote!

Thanks to the people who wondered where I was and expressed concern. That is so nice.

It's been a year since I started this blog and it's been a year of learning to let go. From a boss who ambushed me wanting sexual favors and then a few months later laid me off three days after knee surgery to the complete loss of the relationship with the man who brought me to Montana to now the loss of the house I have loved so much, I have been given opportunity after opportunity to surrender to what is, to not hold on to what is being removed and to open myself to the absolute perfection of each and every moment. If not always an "inner yes" I have at least been able to practice an "inner non-resistance" to each situation. I have learned that fighting reality only leads to suffering and I'm just not into that. I have come to know that the loss of things, which are all temporary anyway, or the loss of ideas I've had about myself, open up space for me to realize that which is true, unchangeable and eternal about the nature of reality and all of us human beings - including me. We're all in this together.

Eckhart Tolle's book, "A New Earth" and the teachings in it are the right spiritual tool for me now. I have found absolutely nothing in his teachings that I cannot agree with. For someone who never could quite find her place, in AA, in religion, in life, that's no small deal. Here's what Eckhart says about addiction:

If you have a complusive behavior pattern such as smoking, overeating, drinking, TV watching, internet addiction, or whatever it may be, this is what you can do: When you notice the compulsive need arising in you, stop and take three conscious breaths. This generates awareness. Then for a few minutes be aware of the compulsive urge itself as an energy field inside you. Consciously feel that need to physically or mentally ingest or consume a certain substance or the desire to act out some form of compulsive behavior. Then take a few more conscious breaths. After that you may find that the compulsive urge has disappeared - for the time being. Or you may find that it still overpowers you, and you cannot help but indulge or act it out again. DON'T MAKE IT INTO A PROBLEM. Make the addiction part of your awareness practice in the way described above. As awareness grows, addictive patterns will weaken and eventually dissolve. Remember, however, to catch any thoughts that justify the addictive behavior, sometimes with clever arguments, as they arise in your mind. Ask yourself, Who is talking here? And you will realize that the addiction is talking. As long as you know that, as long as you are present as the observer of your mind, it is less likely to trick you into doing whatever it wants.

Do not make it into a problem. So now it is time for me to let go of the identity I've created of myself as alcoholic/addict or recovering alcoholic/addict. And for that reason, I'm going to close Eclectic Recovery. It's been a fabulous, fun learning process and as the days grow shorter and winter begins to settle in I will most likely be back with another blog. Maybe one about me and the cowboy and kayaking Montana. Maybe one about Eckhart's teachings and how they're affecting my life. Maybe one about how I handle becoming a multi-millionaire and having everything I ever dreamed of. :) One thing is for sure. If you're on that Friends and Neighbors list, you are my friend and I will continue to check in with your blogs and your lives. Next to the self-discovery process, the friends I've made blogging are the best thing about it.

I'd like to leave you with a writing by Mother Teresa called "You and People".

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

I Believe in Magic

A person that I know from AA in this town was riding his bike past my house the other day. I was watering my plants and hollered a hello his direction. He stopped and asked me why I stopped going to AA. There was no judgment in his question, just simple curiosity. Because I wasn't immediately put on the defensive (because usually this question is asked in a quite accusatory manner), I was able to formulate a short concise answer that is the truth for me. And this is it.

I do not believe that because you once had an alcohol or addiction problem, that it is a lifelong sentence. Part of the foundation of AA, and really, most recovery programs, is that the old cliche', "once an addict, always an addict" is true for everyone, all the time, forever and ever Amen.

Here's what I do believe in. I believe in growth and grace and evolvement. I believe that limiting yourself with beliefs like "once an addict, always an addict" makes that true for you and that's the only thing that makes it true for you. I believe in intention and the right arrangement of desire and self-discipline and I believe in throwing it all to the wind at times. I believe that one must be very, very careful what they decide to believe and be willing to toss beliefs that no longer work and try on new ones to see if they do. I believe that any fracture in a human soul or psyche is up for complete and total healing at all times if we're open to it and I believe there are forces that aid us in making that healing real for ourselves. I believe in magic.

What do you believe?

Saturday Gig

This is what I get to do on Saturday's now. I've been working at one of the local flower shops for a few weeks - just five hours on Saturday. But this week the owner is on vacation so I'm
working Wed/Thur/Fri from 9-5:30, then Sat. 10-3, then Mon/Tue/Wed 9-5:30.

I believe that being on my feet for five hours straight is what set off the pain syndrome I went into, which has blessedly been much better in the past week. But I have to admit to being a little nervous about this much work, this much standing time so many days in a row and still only four months after surgery.

I've been doing massage on Saturday immediately following work and that seems to be making a big difference so I'll continue with that. Also, the strain/counterstrain technique worked very well for me so I have another appointment for that.

I've been interested in the mind/body connection for a long time and what I've been doing along with the physical therapy is releasing the emotions behind the pain. I believe that until I do that, I may be looking at being in some considerable pain the rest of my life. Fortunately, it's working. My massage therapist is helping me with it and I'm using the technique Eckhart Tolle describes of bringing presence to the pain and the emotions behind it, many of which are very old. It seems I have a very heavy pain-body, which is not a good or bad thing, just a thing. I also think the same technique is helping me with other issues I've discussed in the past - maybe more about that later. :)

What do you think about emotions causing physical pain?

Mental Health Days

Well, that rain storm I sat through Tuesday morning? It turned to snow - a heavy, wet snow that caused my about-to-bloom poppies to lay their little heads down in the white grass. This is the latest it's snowed in the valley since I've been living here. Today the sun is scheduled to come back out and heat things up to 70 degrees. It will be welcome.

I appreciate all the comments you left on my last post. I really hesitated about whether to even put that up, but I'm glad I did. The cowboy showed up Tuesday evening and Roberta was nice enough to give me a "mental health" day yesterday. We spent it searching out possible places for me to move (I'm having continuous problems with this house from the plumbing to the heating) and visiting my naturopath who did something on me called strain/counterstrain which helped with my also continuing pain tremendously. I still had some crying to do, but this morning all the ghosts seem to have returned to wherever it is they hang out when they're not bugging me.

No More Karma

Eckhart Tolle says that you can't solve a problem on the same plane on which it was created. I believe him. It's been a valiant effort, but what I've been doing here is trying to solve a problem that was born of ego and is continually fed by ego - by putting my ego to it in every conceivable way. I know many people who do this quite successfully. And I'm in despair because I don't know how to reach the solving plane. I've prayed; I've meditated; I've sought god and goddess and have not even heard a whisper. And it's not about alcohol at all; ah how much simpler if it actually were.

I visit your blogs, I read and I am moved, but I cannot find words to comment. I sleep, and want to sleep some more. I cry and there is no relief. I go through the motions. I hate going through the motions. I don't want to write a "negative" blog post so I don't write at all and the poison begins to back up in my system. I witness and observe my own despair. I will not act on it in the same ways. I will not tell you how well I am. I will not tell you how I'm conquering my demons. I will not tell you that I even care whether I drink or not, because I don't. But I am not - and still, the demons.

The very best that I can do now is to create no more karma.

I wrote that in the wee hours of the morning. It is not "edited for content" and the grammar stinks, but it's how I felt at the time. I cried until I had no more energy and it was then I realized that was a good thing - the negative energy had been released and all that was left was space. I sat with a morning storm, the wind and the rain cleansing. I feel sort of ridiculous posting this, but it's the only thing that's come up that feels authentic lately. Do you ever have nights like this? Sometimes I just have to laugh at my own drama.

Pondering

I've been watching Oprah's series with Eckhart Tolle on his book, A New Earth. In one of the segments, a woman skypes in and talks about an illness that has overtaken her life, that has defined it to a point that she no longer wishes to live. She asks how to move away from being her illness. Eckhart's response to her is to stop feeding the energy (my words), not talk about the illness except with her doctors and begin to place more attention on all the areas in which she has well-being in her life.

In a way, that's what I've been doing with this blog and my own definition of myself as "alcoholic." But I'm realizing that even when I'm sober, I'm still feeding that energy - that very energy that I no longer wish to live.

In the book, Addiction and Grace, Gerald G. May describes addiction thusly:

Addiction exists wherever persons are internally compelled to give energy to things that are not their true desires. To define it directly, addiction is a state of compulsion, obsession or preoccupation that enslaves a person's will and desire. Addiction sidetracks and eclipses the energy of our deepest, truest desire for love and goodness. We succumb because the energy of our desire becomes attached, nailed, to specific behaviors, objects or people. Attachment, then, is the process that enslaves desire and creates the state of addiction.

Further,

Addiction attacks every part of what Freud called our "mental apparatus." Subjectively, however, the attacks seem focused on two primary areas: the will, which is our capacity to choose and direct our behavior, and self-esteem, which is the respect and value with which we view ourselves. Addiction splits the will in two, one part desiring freedom and the other only desiring to continue the addictive behavior. This internal inconsistency begins to erode self-esteem. How much can I respect myself if I do not even know what I really want?

The greatest damage to self-esteem, however, comes from repeated failures at trying to change the addictive behavior. Even if I do feel clear about what I really want, I cannot make myself behave accordingly. I seem to be honestly out of control; yet in all truth, I have only myself to blame. This failure can decimate my self-respect. In some other culture, in a society that reveres the mystery of human nature more than ours does, such failure at self-mastery might not be so devastating. They might even be seen as affirmations of one's essential connectedness with the rest of creation and of one's essential dependency upon the Creator. But in modern Western society, we have come to see ourselves as objects of our own creation. When we fail at managing ourselves, we feel defective.

As usual, I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this, but I think some important things are coming to my attention. Things I wish to share. There was a time when alcohol and drugs were my primary addictions. The substance that I'm currently physically addicted to, that I can hardly even consider giving up, is nicotine. Caffeine, preferably in the form of really good coffee, is a distant second. Among the non-physical addictions I've become aware of are attention and acceptance from certain people, struggle, seeking, and self-improvement. By focusing on my past problems with alcohol and drugs, I conveniently provide a way to avoid dealing with these other addictions, which in actual fact, cause me more trouble in the present.

I wish I could say I am now ready to tackle them all, but if there's one thing I've come to realize, it's the futility of approaching an addiction in that way. So I will state my awareness of them here and my slight willingness to begin opening myself to the possibility of grace in all areas of my life. I think one way to do this is to use Eckhart's advice and to slowly begin to not feed the energy of my addictions.

What do you think?

A Quick Hello from Big Sky Country

One massage and one acupuncture session have gone a long way towards decreasing my pain and getting me moving again. Pretty amazing things, these "alternative" therapies that have really been around for thousands of years.

I'm in a place in my life where I'm finding over and over again that doors close for a reason. I attribute this to paying at least a little bit of attention to what's going on around me. I was pretty angry at my knee doctors, but I realize now that if they'd renewed my prescription for pain meds, I would've taken the easy way and probably actually gotten worse as I wouldn't have been treating the core condition (which I am convinced is just as I thought - an unbalanced body structure due to recovery from knee surgery). As it turned out, I was forced to do the things that will make a real difference to my healing, and they're working.

Now, if I could just get to the point where I make these decisions on my own, before I'm forced to, well, that will be a good thing, won't it?

I've been working six days a week for the past three weeks and I'm realizing that it's just too much. I should be able to start taking Monday's off in a few weeks and am so absolutely excited about having two days off this long weekend. The cowboy and I were going to go kayaking, but it looks like the weather isn't going to cooperate and it's probably for the best. I need some time to putter, to play in the dirt and maybe mop the floors and read and possibly catch a movie and catch up with my friends and family and definitely cook and just stop to rest and breathe when I need to.

I appreciate the comments and suggestions I received after my last post. I also hope, this weekend, to have time to catch up with some of my favorite bloggers. What fun things do you have planned for the weekend?

Knee Update

I haven't really wanted to post about this because, well, because I kept hoping it would improve or go away entirely, but it hasn't. Three weeks ago, my first day working at the florist and on my feet for five hours, I was in extreme pain when I left. Not my knee necessarily, both legs and feet hurt and my hips were bothering me as well. I thought I just overdid it that day and slowed down my exercises and walking because that's what the knee doc has told me to do in the past when the pain flared back up to that extent. I still had a few pain pills left and was able to take them in halves along with ibruprofen and ease the pain enough to at least sleep. I took the last pain pill last week and since then I haven't slept a night through. I toss and turn and writhe around trying to find a comfortable position - my legs, knees and hips ache horribly and ibuprofen doesn't touch it.

So I made another appointment at the Bone & Joint clinic. The surgeon wasn't available so I saw a PA that assisted with the surgery and that I had seen before. In the past, he was understanding and responsive, but yesterday was a different story. I explained to him what I had been experiencing, and my theory that my body has gotten way out of balance due to the surgery and isn't able to right itself. I have an old injury in my left hip from a car accident that's caused me a little arthiritis trouble in the past and I think with the knee surgery in the left leg also, it's just gotten everything inflamed. "No way, he said. Your knee surgery would not be causing this kind of pain. You need to go get checked for lupus or rhuematoid arthiritis." Does this seem as ludicrous to me as it does to you? He gave me a prescripton for Tramadol, acetameniphine with a non-narcotic pain killer. So far, it hasn't helped and they're unwilling to prescibe more Percocet which did at least help. Two things about this scenario really make me angry. One is that their attitude seems to be one of "we're done with you." Two is that they're unwilling to prescribe a medication that would help. I realize they have to be careful with folks on narcotic medication, but I had the last prescription of 30 for two months. Does that sound like I'm addicted?

I fully realize that pain medicaiton is not the answer, but until I find a better answer, it sure would be nice to get a little relief and some decent sleep. I start getting crazy when I'm sleep-deprived (as I'm sure everyone does) and it's starting to set in. I wonder how much the long hours on my feet may have to do with this - even though right now it's only once a week. Here's my current plan: I'm going to resume my massages and continue with the medication they gave me plus ibuprofen (this is fine, I asked). It really hurts to walk, but I think I must try and keep up some exercise so I'm going to try and walk at least 30 minutes a day. I may go ahead and make an appt. with my primary doc, but I'm conflicted about this due to my financial situation and the fact that I have a preconceived notion they'll want to do lots of unnecessary tests that won't make a damned bit of difference in the long run. I'm 99.9% sure I do not have lupus or rheumatoid arthiritis and I think it was pretty unethical of the guy to even mention such things when he really doesn't have a clue.

I'm mainly posting this here in case anyone out there may have some additional suggestions. Pain takes over everything when you're in it.

Remembrances and Realities

This photo is looking out from the hotel room the cowboy and I stayed in on the 3rd night of our trip. We were in a place called Gold Beach, Oregon. What a sunset, huh? The little hotel we found on the beach had the sweetest room with really nice classy furnishings and a cozy gas woodstove in the corner. Very romantic. We had a dinner of fruit, cheese and wine on the balcony while watching that ethereal sunset. I wish I knew the name of the place so I could link to it, but I didn't write it down and it's gone from the brain bank!

I've been back from the trip for almost three weeks. When I left I had few prospects for employment beyond the 3-4 hours a day I had been working for Search Widens, the wholesale jewelry business my friend Roberta owns. While I was away, her other part-time worker had to stop working due to pregnancy complications (she and the baby are fine now!) so I was able to move into an almost full-time position there. I had also spoken with a local florist looking for a part-time designer and began work there on Saturdays two weeks ago.

I'm making very good money for part-time work at both places, but it's still considerably less than I was making with the job I was laid off from. Some economic realities are setting in and I'm forced to make difficult decisions about where to spend money. I can't get out of the grocery store for under $25 just picking up things like eggs and bread! I've given up some luxuries I had become accustomed to, like my monthly massage and locally-farmed organic veggies that arrive once a week from now through September. I am very carefully not judging these decisions as good or bad, or more precisely, as a reflection of scarcity or abundance, and a funny thing is happening. For each thing I seemingly give up, I have an experience of recieving something else.

Both of my part-time jobs are within walking distance. There are many days that I don't even crank my car! Not only does this save me considerable money while gas prices are so ridiculously high, but it gives me the satisfaction of knowing I'm contributing that much less to global warming. Roberta is going on a 10-day canoe trip and she's graciously donated her organic veggies to me while she's away. My surgery bills are coming in and when I called to make payment arrangements I was informed that I could submit a charity application to take care of up to 80% of the final costs since my situation has changed so drastically since I had surgery. My parents are very generously helping out as they are able - and even President Bush pitched in with his economic relief payment which will cover a full month's rent and a few trips to the grocery store!

I'm still on the lookout for a full-time job with benefits, but I'm becoming more aware each day of how money is really just an energy exchange. I really enjoy both of my jobs and it's depressing to think of going back to work in an office 40 hours a week and probably for some petty tyrant. I think I have two of the best employers in the area and each job provides me the opportunity to practice different skills in a positive, supportive environment. That ain't nothing, folks. So while my left brain goes on about the need for benefits, health insurance, retirement, etc., I've begun to pay much more attention to my heart. Do I enjoy the work? Am I in the midst of positive, healthy people? Do I trust enough to follow the feeling of good energy and know it will lead not only to the fulfillment of my needs, but to true abundance? How important is $3-4 extra dollars an hour if it's paid for with added stress and depression? I don't want it to sound like I think medical insurance and retirement benefits aren't desirable, but I also wonder in this crazy world that we inhabit just how much those things can be relied upon anyway.

What do you think?

Addiction and Grace

I have recently read the book, "Addiction and Grace" by Gerald G. May, M.D. and was so touched by the ideas presented in the book that I'm re-reading it. What surprises me is that many of the ideas Dr. May represents are parallel to the ideas presented in the 12-step model, which you know I have little use for. But for some reason the way Dr. May presents them makes them more palatable to me and I find myself nodding in affirmation, feeling the words and ideas as a truth my cells know something about. This is how the book begins:

1. Desire: Addiction and Human Freedom

After twenty years of listening to the yearnings of people's hearts, I am convinced that all human beings have an inborn desire for God. Whether we are consciously religious or not, this desire is our deepest longing and our most precious treasure. It gives us meaning. Some of us have repressed this desire, burying it beneath so many other interests that we are completely unaware of it. Or we may experience it in different ways - as a longing for wholeness, completion of fulfillment. Regardless of how we describe it, it is a longing for love. It is a hunger to love, to be loved, and to move closer to the Source of love. This yearning is the essence of the human spirit; it is the origin of our highest hopes and most noble dreams.

From the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous:

Chapter 4 - We Agnostics

Actually we were fooling ourselves, for deep down in every man, woman, and child is the fundamental idea of God. It may be obscured by calamity, by pomp, by worship of other things, but in some form or other it is there. For faith in a power greater than ourselves, and miraculous demonstrations of that power in human lives, are facts as old as man himself. We finally saw that faith in some kind of God was a part of our make-up, just as much as the feeling we have for a friend. Sometimes we had to search fearlessly, but He was there. He was as much a fact as we were. We found the Great Reality deep down within us. In the last analysis it is only there that He may be found. It was so with us.

I wonder a lot about this idea - that a desire for god is part of our DNA as human beings. What I've stopped wondering about lately is whether it's a part of mine - it surely seems to be. This is where all my images and representations and constructs become confusing, where religious education proves futile. It is not a longing I can attach to anything, it just is - a longing for something that defies definition, a longing that has always been with me, that is much more a part of me than my eyes or the color of my hair, or even the breath of spirit that gives me life in the present moment. It is a longing that I have finally decided to honor.

I also wonder, do you feel this longing?

Do No Harm Week

If you hurt another person, you hurt yourself. The act of inflicting injury distorts you, making it more difficult for you to be in alignment with your highest potential. The converse is also true. When you hurt yourself, you inevitably hurt others. The damage you cause to yourself diminishes your ability to give your best gifts. Keep this in mind, Scorpio, as you celebrate Do No Harm Week. Be scrupulous in your intention to practice non-violence in every way you can imagine.

The above is my horoscope from one of my favorite astrologers, Rob Bresny of Free Will Astrology. He posts free weekly horoscopes on Wednesdays each week. Occasionally, a horoscope will hit me right between the eyes and this is one of them because I had already come to the same conclusion for myself last week before reading this. It's one of the reasons I decided to go abstinent again. No one is saying to me, "Angela, your drinking is hurting me." although I'm sure there have been many times in the past when it has caused other people pain. What has come clear to me is that if I'm inflicting harm on myself, which I had begun to do again with alcohol, then I am inflicting harm on ALL OF US. And that's just not acceptable to me anymore. I'm interested in what my fellow bloggers think of this. Do you feel a responsibility to the human family? Do you feel that some behaviors are acceptable, if they only harm you? Or, like me, have you reached a realization that there is no harming a part without harming the whole?

The Drinking Experiment or Back to the Subject at Hand

The time has come for me to admit that my drinking experiment is not working and to practice abstinence. I haven't hit a bottom or gotten in trouble with the law or reached a physical dependence on alcohol. But the encouragement I felt a few months back has been replaced by a growing sense of once again being caught in the throes of an addiction that at the very least is not good for me physically, mentally or spiritually. That seems like a good place to stop, doesn't it?

I'm not setting myself a goal of a certain amount of time abstinent nor am I saying I'm quitting forever. I'm stopping now because it's not working for me and because I feel the presence of a grace working with me that will make it possible for me to stop successfully at this time.

My goal with this experiment was to learn to drink moderately and if you wanted to call the experiment a failure because that hasn't happened, you surely can. I envision moderation as being truly able to take it or leave it and not having to work at moderation by counting drinks or inflicting rules on oneself, which never seem to work with an addiction. I know people who have been truly healed who are able to drink moderately - they all have a couple of things in common that I've noticed. One - their goal was not to learn to drink moderately at the time. Two - they practiced a long period of abstinence in which they focused solely on their psychological and spiritual growth and the healing of their addiction was a by-product of that work.

It's been hard to reach this decision because the addiction has not reached the depths of self-destruction that it has in the past and many times I was able to moderate. But moderating has become increasingly difficult and lately, more often than not, I just can't keep it to a minimum. Once I introduce the substance into my system, I lose the ability to have any control over it. In 12-step groups they call that powerlessness with the flip side of the coin being that surrender to that powerlessness is the way to empowerment. That's where I am. I do not have the power with my unaided will to control my drinking. I have no intention at this time to attend 12-step meetings. I will seek my support through friends, family, the internet, but mostly from the grace that I feel infusing this decision.

I'm glad I tried. I gained a lot from the experiment even though I'm abandoning it. But for now I really have just become a better-adjusted alcoholic. That wasn't the goal. It's Day 1.

Day 3 - The Bachelor Follies

So it's Day 3 and the cowboy and I are driving south towards Portland before we head over to the Oregon Coast. We're just riding along and suddenly, out of the blue, he asks me, "If you had a jar of peanut butter that was dry and you wanted to soften it, how would you do it?" I looked at him and paused, not sure I really understood the question. I thought he must've been asking how to get the jar clean of the dried peanut butter but something told me that wasn't the real question. So instead of saying I would soak the damned thing in soap and water, I asked, "What do you mean?" He said, "You know, reconstitute it? I've heard you can put a little olive oil in it, and then it's a real workout, but if you stir it long enough it will be good as new." It was at this moment that I realized how deeply ingrained this man's bachelorhood is and it was also at this moment that I began to laugh, and laugh, and laugh. The cowboy kept giving me these puzzled looks and asking me what the hell was so funny and every time I attempted to explain it, the giggles overtook me again and I just couldn't get the words out. Finally I managed to tell him that I would toss the peanut butter, as in throw it away, at which point his puzzlement seemed to reach astronomical proportions. "But why would you waste a perfectly good jar of peanut butter?" he oh so innocently asked. This only served to bring on more fits of laughter. I could tell he was getting more than a little irritated with me by now, but I tell you, I could not stop laughing! I finally stopped long enough to tell him that in my world, if a jar of peanut butter is that dried up, IT IS NO LONGER A PERFECTLY GOOD JAR OF PEANUT BUTTER! Then, he got it and started laughing which just started me laughing all over again.

It must've been about this time that the city of Portland came into view. It was an incredibly beautiful sight with all the lights and colors reflecting on the water. It was one of those magical moments that just make you go silent. This was a good thing because my stomach hurt for two days from all the laughing I'd already done. I didn't have my camera ready and could've never done the beauty justice anyway so I pulled the above photo off the web. We continued south for another hour before stopping for the night - laughing and giggles abated.