Eclectic Recovery

Magic

2009-11-21T11:15:00.000-08:00

This is my treatment altar. Every piece on this altar has deeply personal meaning, from the

three sisters figure to the driftwood that represents my Uncle Ronald, who died 10 years ago this Thanksgiving. Ronald dealt with a lot of the same things I do, but he couldn't see a way out.

My great-grandmother's linen hankie and pieces from my folks and sisters complete the offering to the ancestors, both living and dead.

My homies from Georgia are represented: Celeste, Wendy, Joni, Melinda and Steve. Pam House.

The people I know from Montana, friends both past and present are represented. Claudia, Julie, Jan, Ben, Shawn, Marsha, Barbara, Bill, Robert, Roberta, Lynn, Bob Mc., Phyllis, Judith, Karen, Bobbi, Peggy, Tracy, Brent.

My power animal - a giant midnight panther with vivid green eyes is represented. He comes to me in the night and assures me that all is well; all is as it should be; all is actually quite perfect.

My very best blogging friends are represented: Olivia, Chani, Mary Louise, VR, Anybeth, Julie, Gabriella, Dorothy, AngelP. (See side bar for links)

My LSR friends.

I could write an entire very long post (and I tried to) about the astrology we're experiencing. Strong personally for me. Strong collectively for us as a society. But, nobody does it like Eric Frances and his excellent team at Planet Waves so if you're interested, visit him there.

My tarot cards have been freaky in their accuracy. I read several people's cards in detox and they were all pretty surprised with how well they fit their circumstances. I just do either a five card spread on a situation or a 3 Major, 5 Minor spread. I find it much more effective than some of the longer spreads.

I'm leaving for the Montana Chemical Dependency Center in Butte, MT, USA at 9 am sharp. The rest of the evening for me is about self-care, ritual, prayer and connection. Packing, cleaning and last-minute phone calls. I feel pretty overwhelmed but I know I'm going to a good place and I believe they can help me get over the experiences of the past few year and provide a good foundation for the sobriety to follow. I know without a doubt this is what I need to do and I'm ready and I'm taking lots of love and support with me. Good ancestry. Good friends.

The address where I will be is: MCDC, 2500 Continental Drive, Butte, MT 59701 Attn: Angela Nolan. I would appreciate any communication by mail, especially as I am going to be there through the holidays.

I love you all.

Magic - More Altar Pics

2009-11-21T11:05:00.003-08:00

Marty is fine

2009-11-20T11:20:00.000-08:00

Marty is fine. I'm leaving for in-patient treatment on Sunday and am working on an extra special post that I'll get up before I leave. Thanks for all your prayers, love and support.

The Divided Life

2009-11-18T19:31:00.000-08:00

My experience in detox was in a facility in Kalispell called Pathways. I went there 3 years ago and got off ativan and managed to stay sober four months. The facility and the staff are top-notch. I've never been treated so well anywhere and it feels good to be treated well when you're being treated for alcoholism. The staff is not only non-judgmental, they're actually kind and genuinely concerned and helpful. As alcoholics/ addicts we're used to being judged harshly and treated poorly in the places that are "supposed" to help. But Pathways gets it right.

When I went to treatment in 1988 for 28 days, it was also at a top-notch treatment facility and it was the education and the boost I needed to get clean and sober then. But what makes treatment a magical experience is the other patients. I stayed in touch with several people I met in treatment in 1988 for many years and though I've now lost touch with them, I think of them often. Especially Duane Pennington.

There was a core group of us in Pathways that really connected and bonded. I've already spoken with three of them. One of them has psychotic depression, alcoholism and god knows what else and he's charming and handsome and was probably brilliant before alcohol ate most of his brain. His name is Marty and he and Mary and Sarah and Kim and Polly and Isaac and Tom and I made each other laugh. We made each other believe we could stay sober. We cried for each other's losses, encouraged each other to not give up and it felt like we'd known each other for years. Marty made the mask in the picture and gave it to me when he left yesterday. I knew he wasn't ready to leave.

He called me tonight to say good-bye. He says he's done - he can't do it - can't go on. He's made serious suicide attempts before. He lives too far for me to drive there and I'm not sure I would anyway. I hope he was bluffing, but I kinda doubt it especially considering the scar from one side of his neck to the other where he cut his throat before. I'm putting this post up as my prayer that the sheriff gets there in time. I only knew the guy for 7 days but I fell in love with him of course. I fell in love with all of us with all of our problems and addictions and depression and loss. I'm always brought to my knees by what some people can live through, humbled at the power of the human spirit to be restored. I don't want Marty to die and I am utterly powerless to do anything but sit and wait for a phone call. And pray. Pray for all of us. Hold the vision of well-being that is our birthright as spirit manifesting in physical form and hold compassion for how far most of us are off the mark. If he's not dead by morning, I will not give up on Marty.

Detox Over

2009-11-17T16:58:00.000-08:00

Well, I stayed a little longer than planned for detox but am home and should be hearing when I can be admitted to the long-term (30-45 days) in-patient treatment. I want to thank everyone who has left comments and I want you to know that I've felt your love and prayers. Alcoholism has once again made a big mess of my life, but I am 100% committed to my recovery first and foremost above anything, everything, anyone and everyone. If I don't have my recovery, I don't have anything. I will write again before I leave and again, thank you so much for your encouragement.

Will Be Away

2009-11-10T08:32:00.000-08:00

I will be away for a few days. I'm going to get detoxed and I'll just have to face everything when I return. I'll resume my treatment activities until they can get me a bed at in-patient. I will be back.

What Happens to Me

2009-11-10T03:54:00.000-08:00

It's going to be two weeks before I can get into treatment. I'm not drinking now.

The last few times I've begun drinking after a period of sobriety - four months in April when the tension with the owners of the Inn got to be too much, two months the last two times, it's like I'm actually leave my body. I'm observing myself get the alcohol but I don't feel like I have any control over whether I do it or not. The only place I felt really safe was at Claudia & Bob's house and I suppose I should've stayed there but I needed to check on Attaboy and they've already been way too kind to me by opening their home when I needed a place to stay.

So my hope is that in an in-patient treatment facility they can begin to help me with the mental health issues that accompany my alcoholism. The medication I'm taking for depression helps a lot but my anxiety is hard to control and I literally get into this frozen place - body frozen, mind frozen, spirit frozen. I have severe insomnia and sometimes go a week or more without sleeping well. It's my belief that my inability to effectively deal with the depression/anxiety is what causes me to drink again. It's so hurtful when someone thinks I'm just making all this up or that it's not that bad or that I should just get over it. But I guess that's what the majority of people do think which is why having a recovery community is so important. In a recovery community they understand the powerlessness over alcohol; they understand the deadliness of it; and they understand that there is a real person in there and they're suffering, a lot. Especially if they want to quit drinking, which I do. They understand that we don't want to start drinking and smash our own lives and everyone eise's that we're close to. They understand how difficult it is to gain a foothold on life and sustain it. They will never say it's okay to have a drink and I've had several people very close to me in my life who have said that to me over and over again. "It's okay if you need to take a drink, Angela. We all need some relief sometimes. " Yeah, some relief. These people can be dangerous for us if we take them seriously which I've decided to stop doing.

I see so many women with these same issues. Mosf of them are highly creative, caring, sensitive women and they're usually holding someone else afloat, either financially or emotionally, but they have a helluva time solving their drinking problem. And they're so easy to blame.

Welcome to Hell

2009-11-08T21:18:00.000-08:00

I'm very appreciative of the comments left on my last post. I'm into the sick phase now. In the sick phase you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. My red-haired angel has gone home and it's just me and Attaboy and the incessant ringing in my ears. Freida doesn't even want to talk to me anymore. Maybe these are just the ramblings of a woman gone mad - if so, I hope it's entertaining for you.

Since I'm rambling and since this is my blog I'm going to say a few things out loud that no polite southern woman would ever say. The first thing I want to say is that I didn't get here alone; I had plenty of help and until we as a society wake up to the reality of how we treat people we're not going to get very far. The second thing I want to say is that I'm sick and damned tired of being a scapegoat for those who can't see their own darkness. The third thing I want to say is that the best people I know in the entire world are sober alcoholics - whether they're sober through AA or LSR or WFS or just their own will and determination. I would be honored to be counted among their number.

Alcoholism is hell. Throw in some mental health issues and what you end up with is a hard case to solve, but hopefully not impossible. I'm trying to get into a long-term in-patient treatment program. My last long-term treatment kicked off six years of sobriety for me, but I was young then - the world seemed different.

I want to apologize to my family for upsetting them with my blog posts. But this feels like my job and I'm just reporting what's happening as truthfully as I can. If all it does is scare one person into sobriety, well, that is enough.

Nothing

2009-11-08T04:45:00.000-08:00

Nothing is keeping me sober today. I'm trying to get to an in-patient treatment run by the state. I keep hearing Ben say "you're hopeless" and I'm pretty sure he's right. But here's the thing: by some strange twist of fate I am still alive and as long as I am I will not give up. I made it 6 days without drinking and I thought this was the time. I really do wish I had the gumption to kill myself but my dear Uncle Ronald won't let me. And besides who would take care of Attaboy?

Roberta wants me out and Brent is not speaking to me. My very good friend, Claudia, has given all she can and I feel like my only friend left is Jackie who was kind enough to visit with me yesterday. Jackie is atheist or maybe just agnostic which is actually a very worse state; one I've been living in for years. At least when you're atheist you know what you believe.

My lips are chapped; I'm totally dehydrated and the diarrehea is coming on - oh, the joys of alcoholism. The ringing in my ears is driving me crazy. I'm pretty sure I won't be around much longer and at this point it would be a blessing. Grace I think they call it. And here I sit for all the world to see, just hoping my own sordid tale will get through to someone who still has time to keep it from happening to them.

Teachability

2009-11-06T05:12:00.000-08:00

Teachability is keeping me sober today. Tracy Chapman has a song I used to listen to back in the days when a pint of vodka per night was the norm. Part of the lyrics are, "I've done so many things wrong I don't know if I can do right." That was then. This is now.

Having alcoholism has nothing to do with moral ability. In my case it was activated by the poor coping skills of an 11-year old girl and her very young and inexperienced mother. If it hadn't been that it probably would've been activated by something else but no matter. That 11-year old girl is being given a golden opportunity at 47 to change the pattern.

The most difficult part of this newfound clarity of mine is realizing that there are people in my life for whom my alcoholism is somewhat convenient. Also, realizing that I've gone a long way towards keeping it convenient for them and only I can make the necessary changes to stop that from happening again. We alcoholics make fabulous scapegoats and the longer we fail to solve our drinking dilemma the more vulnerable we become. I, for one, am sick and tired of letting it happen over and over and over again.

Solving my alcoholism is about taking my own power back but I'm no more capable of doing that now than when I was an adolescent. I don't have that kind of power on my own. Luckily, I'm not on my own with it anymore. I have access to another power and right now it's speaking , among others, through Eric Frances over at PlanetWaves:

You have the moxie, the charm, the style, energy and most of all, the personal integrity required to succeed in the way that you want to. In fact, you can forget about everthing on that list except for the last item. Success does not usually happen fast, and we have good reason to question the kind that does. What I am telling you is that you have solid reasons to have faith in yourself. So what if various elements of your romantic (and professional) life make about as much sense as two jigsaw puzzles mixed together. Who cares if there are those nights you feel like you're holed up in a raft on the ocean of your own existence. You actually know who you are. You actually believe in yourself.

He's right. I do. That tastes a lot like freedom to me.

Clarity

2009-11-04T07:39:00.000-08:00

Clarity is helping me stay sober today. Clarity about who I am. Clarity about what I need to do. Clarity about the reality of alcoholism; clarity about the reality of recovery; clarity about placing anyone else's needs before the needs of my recovery. Along with clarity comes a whole boatload of hope to go along with it. Because I'm seeing things as they are - not as I wish they were. This is hard-won clarity. I have earned it and I intend to nurture it, water it, feed it and watch it grow.

Clarity about my own character and my own intentions regardless of what anyone else thinks or says. Clarity about that sick feeling I get in my stomach when someone is wanting to keep me in the dark about things. Clarity about how useful I am as an active alcoholic and who I'm useful to, and who I want to be useful to.

Clarity. It's a very good thing.

Building a Life Worth Living

2009-11-03T06:26:00.000-08:00

If AA doesn't work for you and if long-term abstinence is elusive, I'd like to introduce you to some processes and ideas that can help. Welcome to Eclectic Recovery, where recovery programs are self-designed, tailored to the individual and most importantly, effective.

It's been over two years since I began writing here on Eclectic Recovery and I began with a couple of goals in mind. The first is selfish and remains so with no apologies: I was looking for a way to live long-term, comfortably, without alcohol. The usual method, i.e., AA, was no longer effective for me and the treatment programs weren't much better. The second reason is not and also remains not with no apologies: I thought there had to be others like me and I hoped to reach and build a community with these people; a community that would help me, and others, find a sustainable sobriety.

Here's a problem with exploring any dark, negative, life-threatening problem on the web: people can't handle their own darkness and they certainly can't handle yours. So no matter how valiant your efforts, if you slip up, people run like crazy and I'm not saying I blame them. Or maybe the blog is just not that good, although I have to tell you when I look at it as a whole, I'm pretty impressed. There's a lot of good information here, and there's a lot of crap here, but I think all in all it's balanced.

To be honest, it was touch and go for a long time as to whether I ever was going to find anything that would be effective for me - in the long-term and considering I just relapsed yet again maybe I shouldn't be as hopeful as I am. But I am. Hopeful, that is. I've been observing several types of recovery communities over the past 20-25 years and something new and beautiful is emerging. My work at the chemical dependency center, with my mental health counselor and my own continued efforts to understand and change my thinking, and thus my life, is starting to take root and I have no idea what the flower will look like, how long it will last or even if it will smell pretty. But the stirrings of new life are unmistakable. I'm learning and awakening in a way I can 100% believe in. No dogma. No rules. Everything I'm doing shares one thing in common: it starts to heal the problem. The real problem, which actually could be different for you, even if it manifests as a problem with alcohol. If it doesn't go toward healing our souls, it's outta here as a method for me. Simplifies things a lot, too.

I have looked at my goals and I still deem them worthy. As a matter of fact, I deem them worthier than ever before, and closer. I am so excited to be alive at this time and right where I am in all ways and it's a privilege and an honor to begin to accept the responsbility of co-creating a life. All I really have to do is make sure the focus stays on my own spiritual connection and behavior and respond as appropriately as possible in any given situation while working to embrace what's empowering, life-affirming, real and most of all helpful. Which is obviously not always as easy as it seems!

If any of you in AA are still reading my blog, I would ask you to give it another chance, maybe get it on your blog roll, in the hopes that it would reach another woman quietly and surely drinking herself to death. I am finding my way though the labyrinth and I want to share. After all, what we're doing here is building a life worth living. Let's get on with it, shall we?

So, every day for at least a month, and that's quite a commitment considering I was romancing taking a midnight swim in a January Flathead Lake, considering that I've moved 4 times in the past year and been through some pretty nasty stuff, both here, and in my professional life, considering I came very close to not making it and considering that I know, personally, of at least 100 women who are spinning their wheels with this thing and slowly dying. Man, that sentence got long. Anyway, considering all that, I'm going to post every day for a month about something that is really helping me stay sober today. I'm going to finally do this like I was told to do it a while ago: do it like it's your job she said. Okay. Okay.

Here are some of the methods we'll be looking at in the coming days, weeks, months and yes, years. Because if I've finally gotten one thing it's that for most of us this is a lifetime deal. Alcoholism and its denizens are chronic, progressive and if not treated, fatal. But I don't want to focus on that because I want you to be as excited as I am about moving forward with life without alcohol. So we're going to be looking at and discussing a varied and very eclectic array of ideas from vampire slaying to dialectic behavior therapy, from mindfulness and meditation to nutrition and exercise. We'll be re-exploring issues like dealing with pain in recovery, dealing with co-occurring disorders like depression and anxiety and learning how to skillfully handle our own emotions and interpersonal relationships. We'll look at possible sources of community other than AA where a person can safely begin to explore their own shadow and how that manifests in their life. We're going to look at what to do if you slip up or totally go on a bender and how most quickly to get ourselves back on our recovery program if that happens. We will look honestly at the damage caused by alcoholism, both to ourselves and the others in our lives. We will not flinch when faced with the darkness in our own soul.

I will tell you about many things that apply to me that won't apply to you. I am not recommending anything - only sharing my own journey and what I'm finding that works for me. If you have been drinking alcohol on a daily basis for quite some time you will most likely need medical assistance to detox. Please don't underestimate, as I have at times, the deadliness of this disease and the danger you and others are placed in when alcoholics drink.

We'll also be looking at some ideas, and people, who can be very dangerous for folks trying to manage their recovery.

There are a few things I promise to never do. I will never blame the alcoholic for having the disease of alcoholism and I will never turn anyone away no matter how many times they "relapse". I will not blame, scold, argue with or attempt to set anyone straight. I will not punish you nor myself any further. I want this to be the safest space possible for anyone desiring to live without alcohol. Also, while this is a blog for people who may find AA difficult or just undesirable, there will be no AA-bashing and that never was what this blog was intended to be about. And no Angela bashing, please. I'll just ignore you, and then delete you.

It's been 60 hours for me without alcohol and in one of AA's somewhat quaint terms I went on a prodigous bender. I would like to say that these are ALWAYS DANGEROUS AND DEFINITELY NOT RECOMMENDED. I try and practice some harm reduction but once I start drinking it's kind of anybody's guess where it might end up. That is scary as all hell. I hesitate to say it, but I've gotten pretty good at rapid detox and I've had some help from dear friends, but it is still horrible. We don't wake up one day and think, oh yeah, that's what I want to be: an alcoholic. Yes, that's it. A life of sobriety, relapse, denial, withdrawal, sickness, hallucinations (my Freida print was talking to me the other night), every negative emotion imaginable - rinse and repeat. No one decides to do that. And it takes a lot of grace and a lot of love to begin to recover. And it takes even more grace and even more love to keep trying over and over, to not be discouraged or disheartened or decide that it's just not worth it, which is unfortunately what a lot of us do every day.

So I hope you'll join me as we once again try to put one foot in front of the other and build a sober life worth living.

More from The Sober Kitchen

2009-10-27T05:39:00.000-07:00

Awhile back I promised recipes from the fabulous cookbook, The Sober Kitchen by Liz Scott. I've been remiss!! I think this is the first recipe I tried from the cookbook because my then-boyfriend requsted them and he had given me a Kitchen Aid mixer for Christmas. It kind of hurt my feelings that on our first Christmas together he chose a freakin' mixer for a gift, but I have to say that it is well-used and well-loved and I appreciate it a lot. I never liked gingerbread cookies all that much, but these are something different altogether: gingery hot, sweetened with molasses and sugar (I just don't think raw organic sugar used moderately is that big a problem) these cookies changed my mind about ginger cookies forever.

I love cooking and eating as spiritual practice. Sharing well-prepared, healthy food is one of the main ingredients in my recovery program. I have a couple of close friends who I cook with occasionally and there's nothing that can't be resolved with four arms and two female brains having fun in the kitchen.

My dad's heart attack and subsequent by-pass surgery changed the way my family ate. My dad spearheaded the change and while we didn't eat poorly when I was growing up, we didn't necessarily eat that healthily either. During the year following his surgery, my dad lost 65 lbs., changed his entire way of eating and lifestyle, began exercising and has managed to maintain it all for what, 15 years now, dad? 16? Anyway, it was an absolute pleasure to witness this change. Well, that is until he started wearing tight jeans and cowboy boots. Hey, what happened to my dad!

Chewy Double Ginger Molasses Cookies

3/4 cup canola oil

1 cup sugar, plus a bit more for rolling

1 large egg

1/3 cup blackstrap molasses

1 3/4 cup all purpose flour

2 teaspoons baking soda

1 teaspoon ground ginger

1 teaspoon ground cinnamon

1/2 teaspoon salt

1/2 cup finely diced crystallized ginger

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

In a large mixing bowl, beat together the oil and sugar until well combined. Add the egg and molasses and beat for another 2-3 minutes.

In a medium-size mixing bowl, combine the remaining ingredients, except for the crystallized ginger, and whisk together. Add the dry ingredients to the oil mixture a little at a time, combining well after each addition. Stir in the crystallized ginger.

Form the cookie dough into balls about the size of small whole walnuts and roll in sugar to coat evenly. Place, without flattening, on an ungreased cookie sheet and bake until the cookies have spread out and tops appear crackled (this is just gorgeous!!), 8 to 10 minutes. Remove from the oven (the cookies will still be very soft) and let stand on baking sheet for 2 minutes before transferring to a wire rack or brown paper bag to cool.

Here in the Polson village we have been sharing the best corn muffins. Carrot-ginger corn muffins, cheesy corn muffins, plain corn muffins, honey corn muffins. I know of 5 of us who have whipped up one batch, maybe two, and they've all been so very good. Plain corn muffins are especially good in venison chili, all smushed up, with some jalapenos and sour cream. Oh dear.

A Little Rumi for the Soul

2009-10-24T13:36:00.000-07:00

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I'll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase "each other"
doesn't make any sense.

Pain Syndromes - Could This Be Your Cure?

2009-10-23T07:02:00.000-07:00

In late 1993 I developed a herniated disc in my neck which caused intense pain and lack of mobility on the left side of my neck and arm. I lived near a chiropractic college at the time and had been obtaining student treatments. I saw two students and one was a serious neck cracker. It freaked me out each time and my intuition was trying to warn me, but I wouldn't listen. So, I ended up with a herniated disc and flat on my back for about six weeks.

During that time, I went to doctors, did physical therapy, traction, cortisone injections, pain medication and muscle relaxers and god only knows what else - ANYTHING ELSE to lessen the pain. I was almost convinced to have surgery when someone recommended a book that might offer some relief. I remember them distinctly saying, "I don't know if you're ready for it, but you may as well give it a try before you have surgery."

I'd like to take this opportunity once again to thank my incredible family for all they did for me during this time. I am not a happy patient.

That book was "Healing Back Pain: The Mindbody Connection" by John E. Sarno, M.D. It took me 2 1/2 days to read the book and when I was finished, I was virtually pain-free. The same information I read in that book has been expanded on in a sequel: "The Mindbody Prescription: Healing the Body, Healing the Pain" and it's working for me again.

I'm not going to describe the treatment; that's what the book is about. But if you suffer from any of the following and have not found effective treatment, what have you got to lose: back pain - lower, middle, upper; shoulder pain, neck pain, fibromyalgia; sciatica; migraine. Basically, any chronic or intermittent body pain that won't respond to conventional treatment and diminishes your quality of life. The only other thing I want to say is that the pain is very real. It is not "all in your head" and Dr. Sarno never implies that it is so don't worry that that's the jist of the book. It's not.

I'd like to call this an AUT, an Apparently Unimportant Therapy. Most people won't give it a chance because they've been convinced by the medical community that something is seriously wrong with their bodies and they need to limit or curtail normal activities. However, if you really do want to get over your pain (this does not apply to physical injuries which of course require the proper medical treatment temporarily), I suggest you give one of Dr. Sarno's books a try. And then let me and Dr. Sarno know if it helped.

One other little factoid. Those muscle relaxers? Activated my addiction again. I was drinking within three months of coming off of them after six years of continuous sobriety.

Apparently Unimportant Events

2009-10-22T07:18:00.000-07:00

In my treatment group we're learning to identify Apparently Unimportant Behaviors that might lead to a relapse. Some of the AUB's mentioned included eating unhealthy foods, noticing the liquor store each time it's passed, yelling at a spouse and excessive worry about appearance. These are all behaviors that for the individual exhibiting them may point to a downward spiral toward re-use of the drug of choice.

I came across a post from one of the very excellent bloggers I keep up with that stopped me in my tracks. I think this post describes a collective "AUE" or Apparently Unimportant Event of which we should all be aware.

Many people are experiencing intense awakening processes at this time. Many of these people, like me, do not have a foundational structure underpinning their spirituality, such as AA for alcoholics, church for Protestants and the ashram for Buddhists. I'm not saying that's a bad thing at all; as a matter of fact, I'm fine with it. Awakening is an exciting, frightening experience and attempting to engage the energy without self-destructing is a major challenge. I read a lot and I'm an eager and interested student, but I'm realizing I need to be very careful about what I choose to engage in as I work with this energy.

I'm absolutely sure none of the people who were participating in this ceremony - including the facilitator, intended for this horrible event to take place, but it did. And it probably won't be noticed much because that's what Apparently Unimportant Events do best - go undetected. Until it's too late. I myself am proceeding with much more caution and respect for the powerful forces which are at work here.

New Moon Intentions

2009-10-17T06:32:00.000-07:00

Lately I'm very overwhelmed with life but not at all the way I was overwhelmed last February, when I visited a local psychiatric ward under guise of detox. I'm overwhelmed with gratitude that the Universe spit me out of Lakeside and right back to Polson. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. And absolutely do not get out of jail free card. It's like awakening within a dream; realizing that what I've always needed was right here within me, if only I would allow it. Challenges have made me stronger and the patterns in my life are repeating much more quickly. They demand to be dealt with and dealing with them consciously is no small task!

So when I get in a hurry and want to rush out and save the world by tomorrow, my body goes "Hey!! Slow down!! Allow. Rest. Love." And my community? Oh, forgetaboutit. From Montana to Georgia and back again; I feel it from all corners.

Just to help me keep track, these are the things I'm interested in assisting to manifest:

A garden of my own and participation with a community garden with the intention to assist the earth back to health even as I continue to seek my own healing.

Roberta has some exciting ideas which may develop into a wonderful project.

Continue networking and developing relationships through writer's group, book club, Treasure State Mercantile, the Health Food Store, CD treatment and Circles of Trust (which I will write more about later) and all the places and people that haven't been discovered yet.

Continue to improve my health.

Continue to nurture my connection to Source.

And about that pain I was mentioning: much of it has simply disappeared and my next post will explain why.

Why Do We Drink?

2009-10-13T06:15:00.000-07:00

We drink because we're alcoholic is a pretty obvious answer, but does it really go far enough? I think especially for those of us who are able to put together some sober time but have a problem with intermittent relapse, it's important to figure out exactly what leads us to drink. In the past 7 years there are three main reasons I have chosen to drink: physical pain, anxiety (emotional pain), and interpersonal relationships that for whatever reason don't work (again, emotional pain). It is actually these things that I've been in denial about for so long, not my alcoholism. I'm pretty convinced on that score.

Since I've been in treatment my anxiety has all but disappeared. It's easy enough for me to see how drinking only made my anxiety worse and that when not drinking much of it goes away of its own accord. However, those other two reasons I mentioned - physical pain and interpersonal relationships, can cause the anxiety to resurface. Thanks to the excellent professional help I'm receiving, I'm able to take appropriate action on the interpersonal relationships, but the physical pain is another story.

Back in June I developed a cyst on my knee from ACL surgery a year and a half ago, and since then I've been in and out of varioius levels of physical pain. I have an old injury to the hip on the same side, a slight scoliosis in my back and have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia. I've been steadily seeking assistance with the pain, but unfortunately some things I've done (chiropractic) have actually made it worse and even created new pain.

Along with all the usual methods: heat/cold, massage, topical anesthetics and anti-inflammatory medication, I'm also using acupuncture, visualization and meditation to help me deal with it. But the truth is I'm in a lot of pain and it's beginning to wear me down. The main thing I've been trying to avoid is going into a lot of fear about the pain, about what "could" be wrong. It's a challenge and I think there are a couple of things going on. One is the injuries and age of my body and the other is, I believe, kundalini.

I'm amazingly fortunate to have a good team of helpers, from my counselors to my massage therapist and acupuncturist, both who are working with me financially, otherwise I wouldn't be able to afford the treatments. Also, Roberta has an infrared sauna that I've been making good use of. I believe what's happening is that as I continue to wake up (I'm not sure how else to put it), I'm letting go of many negative thought patterns, beliefs and behaviors and as these things leave the body they give it a kind of charge. Or maybe they get stuck for a few days before moving on out. The other night I had so much energy in my hips I paced the floor for two hours in the early dawn because they literally would not be still. I believe this is the lower chakras releasing, opening up and coming into the proper vibration.

What I'm realizing is that everything in our lives is an invitation to awaken. We can look at it in this VERY BIG WAY or we can stay stuck in the denseness of 3-D reality and become very unhappy indeed. I should know. I was stuck there for a long ass time.

Working on the mental aspects of my health is as important as working on the physical aspects and in my experience separating one from the other will only constitute partial healing. And I'll tell you, it's time-consuming and exhausting to delve deeply into spirit, but an inner life has opened to me that I had no idea existed. I feel intense deep feelings of love permeate me and everything around me and I know that this is really what heals. I finally understand what my friend, Claudia, was going on about all that time. This is what's supposed to happen by working the 12 steps and I can understand why people are so attached to it when it does. My senses seem hyper-alert and everything is so beautiful I can hardly stand it. And then it goes away for awhile and I begin to doubt it at all. And then it comes back. And when it goes away again I doubt it less.

First Snow

2009-10-09T06:37:00.001-07:00

This Unfolding

A poem by Dorothy Walters

I am thinking how it

will all go down with

you.

All the agonies, griefs,

the tears you fed

your sorrows,

the nights of love

that lasted

until morning,

the prize you almost

held in your hand

that went to someone else,

the guilt

you never told,

the moments on

the mountain tops

where the brightness

transfigured

the trees,

the cold brush

of the river

against your

body

that fall

when you took

the dare.

Everything

will accompany

where you are going,

until it dissolves

like fog

lacing

the heaving shore,

evaporates

like dew

melting

beneath

morning sun.

And you too will

turn

into whatever is

not,

a nothingness

that doesn't remember

what it was

that brought it

so much joy

so much pain.

Yet sometimes you will catch

faint glimpses

of that

which used to be

and stare

in wonder

at so much felicity

from so little,

so much suffering

from almost nothing

at all.

And you will ponder

the meaning

of this lost unfolding

even as you prepare

to descend

once more.

Dorothy Walters

Radical Acceptance

2009-10-02T05:48:00.000-07:00

I haven't written much yet about my treatment experience, the main reason being that I was afraid it might not be worth sharing, but it is. I went to this same treatment facility several years ago and had a much different experience. The counselor I was assigned subscribed to the "beat 'em down" philosophy and thought I was just acting way too big for my britches by not submitting to the 12 steps, or to his suggestions as to what I should do, or to his authority as a sober person with THE ANSWER. What no one seems to hear me say is that I did submit to the 12 steps. I did it thoroughly and honestly for six years. Certain aspects of my AA experience kept me sober for six years which is most absolutely nothing to sneeze at. And certain aspects of my AA experience worsened my mental and emotional state, even while abstaining from alcohol. As anyone in AA will tell you, alcohol is not the problem and about that I think they're absolutely right. But I think we should not forget that alcohol is a goodly portion of it.

To my extreme amazement and delight, the focus is now towards a treatment methodolgy called Dialectical Behavior Therapy. I'm still learning about it as it's being taught in the treatment center, but the most interesting thing is that they're teaching us skills I've used in the past that have helped me tremendously in my recovery efforts. Mindfulness, meditation, emotion identification and regulation, distress tolerance (which reminds me of Scott Peck's delay of gratification) and radical acceptance. While I had continued with meditation, mindfulness and other practices I found helpful, I was not practicing radical acceptance and it seems like that was a key for me.

So what is radical acceptance? It's acknowledging one's present situation without judgement or criticism of self - seeing the situation as it really is, acknowledging all the feelings around it, whether they're socially acceptable or not (they probably won't be) and just not attemtping to change anything about it. Just be with it as it is.

That's all good and fine but I'm not sure I would've been able to get there if it weren't for my counselor. For the first time in 15 years I sat across from someone whom I felt really heard what I was saying and didn't automatically assume something about me just because I was still struggling with alcoholism. I am beginning to realize that a lot of the assumptions I felt may have been in my own mind - that's called projection and it's a pretty common psychological maneuver. But she managed to validate my experience and my feelings and it seems that has opened the door to a deep healing process in my life. The mental health counselor I have been seeing since January has also been doing the same thing - nurturing those aspects in me that encourage me to boldly participate in this game of life, despite the fear, despite the anger, despite anything that might attempt to block me.

Both of these women are doing very good work here on this indian reservation in the middle of nowhere and while they've got a big pool to draw from, I don't think they see many people who are sincerely seeking big change. The addictions counselor is working with two other women in my group, both over five years' sober, who have been badly abused in one way or another. Her approach with them, and me, is the same one Marty Nicolaus describes in his book, Empowering the Sober Self: build up the sober self. Focus on the positive aspects of the personality, the desire to live a better life and the innate spiritual strengths of the individual. Be truly open-minded. DO NOT ASSUME THAT YOU KNOW HOW THIS PERSON SHOULD FIND RECOVERY. Create fertile ground for their own finding of that path no matter how twisted it may look at the time.

This is really good stuff.

Fire on the Mountain

2009-09-30T09:01:00.000-07:00

We had a little excitement at Brent's house on Blacktail Mountain over the weekend. The hillside adjacent to Blacktail, known as Baldy, caught fire. Apparently, all our fire resources are

off in California and they were slow getting it under control. It's a little freaky to look out the bedroom window and see flames and realize that yes, Virginia, it is all IMPERMANENT and hey, it could be gone by nightfall! Luckily, the wind worked in our favor, the firefighters gathered the necessary tools (namely helicopters and water), and disaster was averted. Of course Brent was out sprinkling the woods around his house and doing everything he could. Just in case. That's one thing I love about that guy so much. And if disaster ever does actually strike, I want him on my side. Like my father, he has a tremendous innate knowledge and understanding of nature and her processes and if you want to see him angry, get him started on how our "wildlife management" attempts have destroyed what was once beautiful and pristine Montana habitat. I'm continually amazed at his intelligence, energy and passion. The really great thing about him, though, is that he's at least as fucked up (sorry dad) as I am and so we tend to be tender with each other's foibles. For the most part. You know, ask me again next week.

On this end of the valley, we're harvesting town gardens in anticipation of the first freeze, due tonight. We're thinking ahead about how best to tend the earth and our fellow human beings and we're enjoying fall in Montana.

About Powerlessness

2009-09-16T06:18:00.000-07:00

For a long time, I believed I was powerless over alcohol. That particular belief has contributed to my chronic relapse history and has kept me from doing what I need to do to stay sober. I suppose I can understand why adopting the belief that one is powerless over alcohol helps some people stay sober, but in my life the idea of powerlessness began to permeate all my activities. A deep and uncomfortable sense of powerlessness is one of the emotion-states that initially attracted me to alcohol and drugs. The belief in my own powerlessness didn't come overnight; I nurtured it for years with the assistance of the 12 steps and the fellowship of AA. I think the powerless idea only works really well if you've already had a sense of your own power and my only sense of power up to that point was that the only control I had was to ignore it, pray about it, or drink at it. Intellectually, I understand that by admitting powerlessness you are then supposed to be better able to tap into a higher power, but it didn't work that way for me. Because I believed wholeheartedly in m own powerlessness, the power I did have became distorted. I think I am beginning to unravel that.

Surrendering to sobriety doesn't necessarily mean surrendering to powerlessness over alcohol or people, places and things. I can see how falling into powerlessness, into victimhood, has colored my life since I adopted it and how my inability to stay sober (because I wasn't really trying - why try if you really believe you're powerless?) has fed into that mind-state.

It's been brought to my attention that it's time for me to exert all the power I can towards my recovery, and I have substantial power even before I connect with that universal source of all power.

I feel as if I'm going through a spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical detoxification process. Information is coming in at a rapid rate, connections and synchronicities are everywhere. Concepts that I've known in my head for years are now making their way to my body and it's as if the heart/mind that lives in me is coming to life. I'm aware of myself and the world around me in a way I never have been before. My body is filled with energy that it's not used to and it's having a hard time keeping up. I know that this is a time to fold in, to rest and let the new relaxation permeate every cell, to allow my spirit to continue to be rejuvenated. I have the power to do that and all I really need to do is to relax into the process. When I forget that, I return to the present moment.

Carbon Sequestration aka Good Dirt

2009-09-23T00:11:00.001-07:00

I read something recently that seems very important and I wanted to re-print it here. It's from Delicious Living magazine which is offered free of charge at my local health food store, Mission Mountain Natural Foods. The article is entitled, In Defense of Organics, and was written by Radha Marcum. The section of the article that interested me most is about something called "carbon sequestration." Here it is:

Food miles are on everyone's minds these days. On average, food travels 1,300 to 2,000 miles from farm to plate. But choosing local alone can't solve our fossil fuel and CO2 woes, say researchers. Only 11 precent of a food's carbon footprint is tied to transport. The remainder is almost entirely associated with growing, processing and packaging the food.

Organic farming take those nonrenewable petroleum products, such as synthetic fertilizers and pesticides, out of the equation. Instead, it relies on cover crops and organic fertilizers to boost productivity, along with nonpetroleum-based pest and weed management tools. And newly published research from the Rodale Institute points to an even bigger potential environmental benefit of organic farming: carbon sequestration.

Looking at nearly three decades of research, Jeff Moyer, farm director of the Rodale Institute and chairman of the National Organic Standards Board, and other scientists, such as Cornell's David Pimentel, Ph.D, have found that healthy, microbe-rich soil bolstered by organic farming methods has the ability to remove CO2 (the most prevalent greenhouse gas) from the air - and lots of it. "By increasing and relplenishing biodiversity in the soil we can sequester carbon at a greater rate than we originally thought possible," says Moyer. An acre of organic cropland can take approximately 7,000 pounds of carbon dioxide out of the atmosphere each year. Multiply that by the 434 million acres of U.S. cropland and it's the equivalent to eliminating emissions from 217 million cars (nearly 88 percent of US cars today).

How does dirt become a carbon sequestering tool? By using cover crops, organic compost, and chemical-free pest and weed control practices, organic farming actively builds biodiversity in the soil. In fact, if you took the microscopic fungi living in a teaspoon of soil from organically managed farmland and placed them end to end, the resulting chain would stretch hundreds of yards, says Moyer, many times more than those in conventionally grown soil. The fungi and other living organisms abundant in organic soils naturally pull carbon from the air and store it in the soil, where it is retained for decades. Scientists have found that, at worst, some Midwestern soils have gone from 20 percent carbon to between 1 and 2 percent carbon in the last 60 years alone.

So you mean we have a tool to sequester carbon and improve the soil and the food we eat and bring people together to get it done? All those sweet little microscopic fungi will take care of all that carbon? Incredible. So simple. So obvious. I'm working my little patch of ground; how about you?

If you think this is important, pass it around. And don't forget to link Delicious Living and Eclectic Recovery.

Sunrise Vista Inn - The End

2009-09-22T04:21:00.000-07:00

I wrote several weeks ago about taking the owner of the Sunrise Vista Inn to court for breach of contract. What a fiasco. I was unable to take him to small claims court because the contract we signed was an employment contract and in Montana an employee can be let go for any or no reason whatsoever within the first six months of employment. Considering that my employment was only scheduled for five months, it seemed that I was without recourse.

I refused to give up, however, knowing that I had been used, taken advantage of and discarded in a way that I couldn't let pass. I figured out that the owner hired out the job that way in order to avoid paying payroll taxes and workers compensation premiums and I contacted the Montana and U.S. Departments of Labor, thinking they would have some interest in his "shrewd" business tactics. At the very least I hoped to keep the same thing from happening to someone else.

The U. S. Department of Labor convinced him to cough up some money for me, although it was only about a third of what I figured I was rightly owed. At least it was something and hopefully it got the point across that someone is paying attention and is not afraid to pursue compensation. I doubt the owner will suffer any consequences beyond cutting me that final check, but I learned something about myself which is also helping me in my struggle with alcoholism. I learned that I can stand up for myself, I can take action where I see wrong, and I can make a difference, at least in my life. A powerless person wouldn't have done that. Pursuing that action, despite much advice to let it go and move on, allowed me to find a strength I didn't know I had. By all outward appearances, he was the fine upstanding citizen and I was pretty much nothing. Outward appearances can be very deceiving. They can also be very empowering. What the owner failed to realize is that I really had nothing to lose at that point. All the things that were so important to him - his reputation in the community, his social contacts and big house, his need to be seen as the BIG MAN helping out the little guy, none of those things matter a whit to me.

So My Dad Came Out

2009-09-11T06:37:00.001-07:00

So my dad came out a couple of weeks ago and we had a great time. My dad and I, and Brent and his dad, Don, drove to Many Glacier in the Northeast corner of the U.S. side of Glacier National Park, just shy of the Canadian border. We took the kayaks, Don's motor home, lots of fishing gear, food and set up a great camp. The weather cooperated fully and we had two absolutely gorgeous days and nights. But, alas, no luck fishing.

Fishing with Brent can be an experience that you wonder how in the hell you let yourself get into. The last time I went fishing with Brent it was 20 degrees farenheit, there was a foot and a half of snow on the ground, 8 inches of it fresh and we had to chain up to get the boat to the boat dock. There was only one reason I got in that sad looking vessel they were calling a boat that day and it was that I knew I would be warmer on the boat than in the truck. In other words, I would be warmer longer before I freakin' froze to death!

It was great visiting with the dads, watching mountain goats on the gigantic piece of rock called a mountain that loomed over our camp. My dad even gave me something before he left: a cold. Thanks, dad. I've been sick for a week but am feeling better and trust he is, too.

Today is the most beautiful fall day you could ever want to see. It's going to be warm and breezy and I'm going to immerse myself fully in it. There are gardening chores to be done. There is lemon ginseng green tea with honey to be drunk.