Eclectic Recovery

Prayers

2011-06-15T01:47:00.000-07:00

I'm praying again. Simple prayers requesting assistance with staying sober, prayers for friends and family and the earth and the animals. Prayers that feel like they're going somewhere, being heard, responded to. In my world the only thing worse than being in relapse is praying and feeling like the prayers stay lumped in my chest, held prisoner by my own reluctance to just let go.

Now, I know what to do after prayer: follow it up with action, disconnect from the outcome, and trust.

Mental Twists

2011-05-29T03:47:00.000-07:00

After many months of continuous sobriety I had a relapse upon returning to Georgia from Montana. As I approach 50 years of age, and as I have friends who are paying the ultimate price for relapse, I've decided to write again at Eclectic Recovery. I've been sober a couple of weeks since the relapse, which luckily did not last long, and I'm feeling very free of my addiction at the moment. But I've been relapsing on and off for almost 17 long years and I want to put a complete end to it.

There are a couple of mental tricks I play on myself to convince myself it's okay to drink. One is that I tell myself that it will just be one time, that I will drink for one night and then return right to my sober life. Only I never do because one night of drinking sets up the craving and then my twisted mind says if I "got away" with it one night I can "get away" with it another, and another. And then I'm off to the races with all their attendant shame, guilt, humiliation, depression and yes, pure insanity.

Another idea that sets me up to relapse is thinking that I have to get some relief from my daily life. After a few months, usually about 4, I begin to feel the pressures of being a responsible adult and I tell myself I just can't take it. And it really does feel that way; there are times I feel I will just explode if I don't get some relief. Then I usually do explode, into drinking, and while I may get a few moments of respite, I also get all the aforementioned pain to follow it, which is always worse than the pain that precedes it.

As far as alcoholics go, I've been especially lucky. I've had my serious consequences to be sure, but overall I haven't paid the price that many have. I know luck doesn't last forever and I've pushed mine far past the point where it should've already run out. But it's not just that. I want to be a sober person because the sober alcoholics and addicts I know in my life are the people I admire the most. They move forward with their lives (usually) and get out of the endless cycle of pain and despair that is the drinking life.

Approaching 50 is sobering in itself, but despite everything I don't feel old. If there is anything I could do in my life that would help me reach its end in a state of peace and acceptance, it's to stay sober.

So here I am again.

Thanks for visiting Eclectic Recovery.

Thank You

2010-12-20T16:31:00.000-08:00

I have been unable to decide what to do with Eclectic Recovery. I kept thinking I would write again, but it looks like it's time to put ER to bed.

I've enjoyed writing here and the people I've gotten to know through blogging. I believe it's a very special medium and I'm glad I've been part of it.

I'm going to leave this up for about a week and then take it down. My warmest wishes for a happy holiday season.

Tending the Fire

2010-10-24T07:23:00.000-07:00

Even though we only had one full month this year that we didn't build a fire, I forgot some things about tending one. The weather is chilly cool and rainy, the tamaracs are a painting on the mountainsides and there's a nice white-tail buck stalking the woods surrounding the house. The black bear seems to have moved on and wood must be fed in a consistent manner to keep the house toasty warm.

A consistent manner - hour by hour, day by day.

No, that's not my fire pit, not my gorgeous cast iron dutch oven, but I'd love to cook that way sometime. I fancy myself green witch drawn to cauldrons full of critical ingredients - onions, garlic, potatoes, venison, parsnip, yam, ginger and peppers. And maybe the occasional eye of newt. I sprinkle some leftover or borrowed hope, a glimmer of faith, a forgotten belief in something. My own cast iron skillet goes in the oven to be retrieved an hour or so later with food medicinal in nature, glorious in taste. I feed the fire.

I know I've been silent here for awhile but it was necessary. The inner fires have been raging and have required their own consistent tending. They have left me wrung out, exhausted and mad. I temporarily lost interest in much of anything except my sobriety and getting through the day. It's entirely discomforting to suddenly turn scarlet with flush, break out into an entire body sweat that feels like it's literally steaming out the top of one's head while trying to speak with a customer or a friend or the cat for gods sake. Mini-kundalini volcanoes. I'm reading Derrick Jensen and the words reach me in a deep place that takes time to assimilate: the truth harsh and cold. I have to take breaks from the book, but I'm compelled to continue reading each time I pause and I steel myself and open the pages - telling myself I can keep it at an emotional distance, I can keep from going into the dark place, telling myself it's necessary, it's part of becoming aware. I read chapters aloud to Brent and he hangs on every word. We feed the fire.

I have continued following the Gulf Coast and there continues to be excellent work done there, although don't for a minute think BP or our government have much of anything to do with that - except getting us there in the first place. National Geographic did a cover story, which mostly bored me to tears and the spill has been in the national news again, but the reports come with no real stories of assistance where it's needed most. They do not engage me the way Drew Wheelan with the American Birding Assocation and the bloggers at the Gulf Restoration Network continue to do. These grassroots activists are my heroes and there are pockets of them all over the globe. A friend in South Africa works to slow the same type of destruction to her Delta knowing that it's late late late in the game. We feed the fire.

We can all see what's happening here, can't we? The story will continue to die down as more and more of these disasters take place. I haven't heard much about the Red Sludge lately. They've built a wall, people are returning to their homes. But there's lead in that stuff and it's radioactive and the ground is a sponge. And it's happening in a thousand different ways in a thousand different places that we never hear about and never will.

We must see that any real answers will not come from the established order. Pluto cojunct Ceres asks us to revolutionize our relationship with the food we eat. To offer it respect and good soil, clear sunshine and pristine water. To thank it for the life it gives, whether animal, vegetable or mineral, and to offer something back. The deer are abundant here and their meat is healthy, lean and good. I will let one choose me and honor our pact from the moment I take the shot to the last savory bite. My willingness to participate so intimately with my food is surprising still to me. It is changing me. It is making me better. I don't like the task especially, don't enjoy killing in any way except that that's the way it feels it should be - if I want the meat (and I do) and I intend to eat it (the only reason to hunt in my opinion), I should at least bless it for myelf and recieve the animal's blessing. I'm almost certain it changes the food, making it a bit more nutritious, a bit more delicious, allowing a healing alchemy to take place in the cells. Our plant and animal siblings help feed the fire.

I'd love to hear how you're feeding the fire.

Buddha Dad

2010-09-28T10:36:00.001-07:00

It was chilly and damp while my dad was here, a portent of the La Nina winter we have upcoming.

We went fishing, quite unsuccessfully, along the Flathead River one day and picnicked in Glacier National Park another. The weather never broke (that sun I'm blocking in the picture was oh so brief) and dad left a day earlier than planned, but as far as I'm concerned, it was a perfect visit.

My dad's presence is comforting, calm, borne of living in a house with four women for 18 years and a spirit that embraces growth no matter how difficult.

Dad and Brent get along well and they're both great debators in their own ways. We had gotten into some philosophical discussion over the morning news, and the evening news, and any news we ran across, and Brent was asking, "How do you know what's real? How does one know what to believe anymore?" My dad said, "This is real. this right here, here and now." Well, hello, Buddha Dad.

You are always welcome here and next time you have to drag that wild crazy mother of mine with you.

Much love to all my family!

Hard-Ass Work

2010-09-09T09:25:00.000-07:00

"Since the media is no longer here, no one is asking the questions, and BP seems to have the run of things. I have been in a deep depression the last two weeks coming to term with the fact that the nation's attention span doesn't seem to allow for any more real reporting about the spill. One of the main problems is that to solve this issue involves confronting our very own personal behaviors and habits, and it makes it a much harder thing to deal with day-in and day-out. We just want it to be rosey and good and for the birds to live happily ever after, and that's not the case."

The above quote is from Drew Wheelan who blogs for the American Birding Association and has been reporting findings from the Gulf that are much different than what you will hear on the evening news. Drew has become one of my heroes, along with most of the other organizations and bloggers I link to. For some reason, though, I was drawn more personally into the experience through Drew's covering it. In the past few months, Drew has awakened to a reality he finds difficult to face. And yet he continues to face it day after day, he continues to consistently report what he finds and try to gain attention, and he's man enough to tell us how dmaned depressing it all is - especially the head-in-the-very-oily-sand attitude of his fellow Americans.

He linked to this site by the Louisiana Environmental Action Network. There is very disturbing video on this site - hundreds of dead birds on Raccoon Island, not necessarily oiled, but definitely killed by something.

I understand Drew's feelings all too well. I continue to experience depression and some anxiety as I learn about the true state of the world, my complicity in that state, and how very late it is in the game. Like Drew, I'm learning about these things in a very short period of time. These intense negative mental states were not new to me. My life-time struggle with alcoholism and mental health issues had wrought similar states in the past. Everyone assumes that awakening is a glorious, spiritual experience usually accompanied by states of bliss and oneness. I beg to differ.

Awakening is hard-ass work; it's mostly not fun at all and the frustration level itself can be paralyzing. But there is something through the other side and for me it's a burgeoning sense of purpose. Every day that I stay sober I beat the odds. Every time that I post about the crime in the Gulf, which is only a symptom of the larger crime being perpetrated, there's a chance the right person will read it. Every plan that I make and implement to live closer to the earth is an opportunity to feel my true place and share how I think such village living is a huge part of the answer to the world's woes.

My wish for Drew, and for anyone else struggling with anguish over our world, is that they find this same sense of purpose. That they know there is no small action now. Everything counts.

When we need comfort around here, we turn to our food. Slow comfort food. One of our favorites is roasted roots, rustic. Here's my favorite version:

Roasted Roots, Rustic

1 sweet potato or yam, sliced

1 yukon gold potato, sliced

1/2 red bell pepper sliced in strips

1/2 yellow or orange bell pepper sliced in strips

1/2 onion sliced however you want it

cloves or garlic, as many as you want, these turn out so yummy and are packed with myriad health benefits along with all the other ingredients

2 tbsp olive oil

1 tbsp coarse ground sea salt

1/2 tbsp ground black pepper

few sprigs of fresh rosemary (optional)

Place ingredients in an oiled cast iron skillet. Drizzle olive oil over all and bake in the oven at 350 degrees for an hour. Eat. Go to heaven.

Thanks, Drew! For all your hard work and commitment. You are not alone.

Absolutely Painful

2010-08-24T06:49:00.000-07:00

Drew Wheelan of the American Birding Association and the bloggers at the Gulf Restoration Network continue to report the oily truth in the Gulf of Mexico. How many people believe that the disaster is over; the oil cleaned up or "dispersed"; the damage somehow mitigated? Do you believe that?

I've been working a lot the past couple of weeks. I come home tired, feet and legs hurting. My diet goes to hell because I don't have the energy or the time to cook like I usually do. I actually like my job, but that doesn't seem to make me any less fatigued when I'm done. The store where I work is a home and ranch store - they play a country music station all day that plays the same damned songs over and over, taking us down to the little white church at least 8 times a day. It's a large store with bright eye-piercing light and concrete floors (luckily the dept. I work in has a thin layer of something akin to carpet over the conrete). The radioes are going all day and this week is school-shopping week. That means kids. Lots and lots of kids.

I find it overstimulating at best and absolutely painful after 6 hours. I like to work and I definitely need the money, but I hate how it sort of sucks the passion out of my life temporarily. And I'm running late this morning, but I did want to keep the attention here at ER on the Gulf. Surely this story will eventually break.

Thanks for visiting.

Unbelievable

2010-08-16T06:58:00.000-07:00

Unbelievable to me that Drew continues to find oil like this and it's not being reported anyplace where it could actually make a difference. It's obvious that BP has no interest in mitigating the environmental disaster caused by their spill and all the average American seems to want is a return to "normal". A return I'm afraid will not be forthcoming. I'm going to let you in on a little secret: oil does not disappear - especially not that amount of oil.

I continue to ask myself, daily: "What can I do?" I have a real averson to facebook and haven't even given twitter a twit. I did recently rejoin facebook so I can see pictures of my nieces and nephew and keep up with my cousins in South Carolina. I'm thinking this information may get more attention there, so even though I don't like the medium, I'm going to employ it for the cause. As soon as I can figure out how.

There are moments while looking at Drew's work that my rage can hardly be contained. I jump up from the computer and pace the floor, my heart racing with anger. I do some deep breathing and before I can even respond to the rage it's replaced by despair. A sinking feeling so deep you never get that final relieving thunk - it seems to go on, and on. Then I shrug it off and start looking around me to see what I can do - starting right here with my own personal environmental disaster. That's how I'm seeing my alcoholism now - as my own personal environmental disaster. For most of my life, for reasons known and not, I've responded to the polluting of my own system by my own hand about the same way BP is responding to the oil spill. Ignore it, cover it up, do everything right except stop the poison leak. Was it stupidity? Was it powerlessness in the face of a force stronger than my own will? Was it a deep desire to not wake up to reality?

Whatever it was, it's been relieved for the moment. That brings on a depth of gratitude which is the perfect remedy to the rage and despair that's bound to visit unheeded when you watch blogs like the American Birding Association's, when you stop to ponder just how and why we find ourselves where we are today: a nation that seems to not care. I don't believe that's who we are. And when I stop and ponder? Oftentimes, all I can come up with is the cowboy's favorite phrase: Fuck oh dear.

Fuck oh dear. Indeed. I remember that by all rights I probably shouldn't even still be here. I remember that joy is a choice away and the pain doesn't preclude the joy, it accompanies it. Always.

More Than One Kind of Oil

2010-08-11T09:01:00.000-07:00

Drew's fly-overs of the Gulf become more disturbing by the day. (If you live in the U.S. and you don't follow that link - shame on you.) This is the kind of information that can start a revolution, but no one is really paying attention. Meanwhile, headlines say the economic "recovery" is slipping. I really want to curse here, but I will refrain. There hasn't been any kind of recovery and the media's own spin, brought to you courtesy of the Administration and corporate conglomerates, is not working anymore. Just this morning it was reported that the month of July was the second largest month for foreclosures ever.

The proposed energy bill is woefully inadequate to deal with our environmental issues and the advertisements for the Dodge Ram get glitzier and glitzier. Food prices are going up and the water table is going down. Those of us who have given up rearranging deck chairs are left to watch, mostly helpless, as the ship goes down. Maybe we'll be the only ones able to enjoy the stars on a dark night at sea.

I've begun writing to people who might be able to get the word out on the true story in the Gulf. In the meantime, there are things that provide me comfort. I hope no one thinks that I walk around living my life in a state of doom and gloom. True, I feel deeply the pain that goes with the kinds of issues we face, but it doesn't define or rule my life. I rarely speak of collapse with anyone but Brent, who is of a same mind.

Once acceptance is reached, every little thing becomes a blessing. Fresh food. Clean water. Relationships with family and friends. The ability to connect on-line. I have it better than most. I live in a state that has roughly a million people and takes a day to cross. I see eagles, osprey, white-tail and turkeys on a daily basis. Right now, there is abundant food to fish and hunt if you're willing to do that and I became willing some time ago. Actually I feel learning to hunt was an initiation that is helping me deal with things now, helping me to feel more empowered and capable of stepping up to the plate, whatever it holds.

I know my little blog is not doing much in the big picture, but it provides me some sense of participation and is a kind of launching pad for the activist I'm becoming.

I request, once again, that you please join me in sharing this vital information. Thank you.

Industrial Disease

2010-08-09T08:08:00.000-07:00

I have industrial disease. And you do, too. I'm waking up from our shared delusion of living in the "more, more, more", consumer-driven, petroleum-based, disaster that we call our society. And you can, too. But you can't look away. You have to look and read and become truly informed. And maybe the hardest part? You have to admit we've all been duped.

My industrial disease manifests itself in all kinds of ways - both physical and mental. Physically, I've become wheat-sensitive (the reason which is another post in itself); I have inflamed tendons in my heels from being on my feet 8 hours a day for a pittance; I would find it extremely difficult to function without my car; I'm becoming allergic to lotions, soaps, make-up and especially perfume (hi Sherri); and the internet is my lifeline. Mentally, I struggle with strong emotional responses: depression, anxiety, nihilism. Then sometimes, like now, I feel alive and real like I never have before. I feel the kundalini energy tugging at the chakras.

Those are some late-stage symptoms. Early stage symptoms were a deep sense of disconnection from source, bad - as a matter of fact, very bad decisions based on false assumptions about how to live life, an appetite for drugs and alcohol that overrode my wise mind and early family issues I couldn't resolve at the time.

I'm almost 49 years old and though I'm sober today, I will be living with the affects of my use the rest of my life. I think I've finally accepted that. I've discovered a new commitment to myself and the earth and its inhabitants and the only thing I really want, which is to be awake and sober right now, is mine as I choose it. If I didn't take action now about the things I see happening, I would never forgive myself. I've made a mess of most of my life, but I can make a difference now. And so can you.

I don't know if many people are still visiting my blog. But I'm calling on what readers I have and my fellow bloggers to help me draw attention to the people on the ground in the Gulf who are reporting the real story. We have to fight. For ourselves, for the earth, for future generations if there are to be any. Information is currency. Food is going to be currency.

Sign the petition. Write your congressmen. But don't expect the change to come from them. It will only come from us. Put a link on your blog to Drew Wheelan and Jonathan Henderson. Even if it's impossible to wake up to the whole picture right now, wake up to this part.

Thank you for visiting Eclectic Recovery.

News from the Gulf

2010-08-07T07:53:00.001-07:00

I don't have much time this morning, but I wanted to bring your attention, once again, to the reporting that Drew Wheelan, the Conservation Coordinator for the American Birding Association, is doing in the Gulf.

His reports continue to contradict what we're being told by BP, Obama and Corporate Media. He's obviously getting discouarged, feeling pretty helpless in the face of the situation, but he keeps flying-over and he keeps writing.

Drew is one of my current heroes.

A Jolly Good Time

2010-07-30T07:02:00.000-07:00

My best friend from Georgia, Wendy, came out with her husband and two beautiful girls for a few days and a jolly good time was had by all.

We spent two days in Glacier National Park where we spotted mountain goats and their babes but alas, no bears. Not that they weren't there: the young ranger we spoke with told of a harrowing encounter the previous day with a sow and three cubs which brought her within 10-feet of mama. A little too close for comfort. Luckily, her bear spray got her out of a tough situation with no harm to animal or human as it did with Jack Hanna a day or two later in the same area. He was at Glacier doing a public service announcement for, guess what? Bear spray. Unfortunately, one fellow visiting Yellowstone, as noted in the article, didn't fare so well.

We kayaked Swiftcurrent Lake, did some hiking, picnicking and generally just had a grand ole time. Still, I have to apologize to Abby (far right) - while kayaking her paddle was a little warped, the wind was up, and I think she got pretty frustrated at going around in circles for half an hour. She was a good sport, though and I really have to say that for teenagers, Abby and her sister, Avery (next to Abby in orange t-shirt) were an absolute pleasure to be around. Tommy, Wendy's husband, is an all-around great likeable guy with an adventuresome spirit. Yes, indeed. Very good times.

The third day we drove to the National Bison Range. We saw large herds of bison, the random pronghorn antelope and mule deer and had a nice picnic at the top. And the last day we did this. Oh my god it was so much fun! I was a little nervous about flying through the treetops 100-ft above the ground at speeds of up to 50 mph, but it was nothing but fun. It just didn't last long enough and neither did the Weatherford's visit.

One thing that's lasted almost 50 years now is mine and Wendy's friendship. I'm nine days older than Wendy and we grew up within 1/8 mile of each other. We were virtually inseperable in grade school and if we were little terrors individually, as a team we could be devastating. Luckily, her offspring don't seem to show the same tendencies. Friendships like this are a rare and beautiful gift and I was struck more than usual by what it means to share such a history. It's comforting to be around someone who knows you that well.

I burst into tears when we got in the car to leave the hotel their last day here. They were mostly happy tears: happy we got to spend such quality time together, happy everything went well, happy they are doing so well and the girls are growing up to be such poised and beautiful young women, just happy. Well, maybe some sad, too. Sad because I'm not immune to homesickness for my family and friends in Georgia, sad in a 48-year old we'll never walk this way again sad, bittersweet, happysad.

Meanwhile, in the Gulf the stories from the ground continue to contradict what we're being told by the media and the government and BP. Trust me, there's a reason they don't want us to know the whole story just like there are reasons they don't want us to know stories like the Afghan War Diary. Wake up time. If you're really lucky right now, you'll have lifelong friends who will give you back your hope, or at least let you borrow theirs. Thanks, Wendy. I love you, girl.

News You Probably Won't See on CBS

2010-07-29T08:41:00.000-07:00

This is what's happening now in the Gulf while BP and the government begin plans to stop the clean-up because well, you know, the well is capped and no large plumes of oil are on the surface. This paragraph is especially troubling:

Also in the mouth of the bay (Fort Pickens, FL) was a large barge that was actively decontaminating oiled equipment. The chemical they were using, along with the oil and dispersant was being aerosolized by the act of pressure washing, and the odor was pretty offensive and probably quite toxic. Gregg felt sick when we got to the car.

We have really no idea what's going on down there.

Possible Responses to Current Reality

2010-07-23T07:42:00.000-07:00

Carolyn Baker was one of the first people I read who helped me accept our current reality, one of the first people who gave me hope that I wasn't losing my sanity but actually finding it, one of the first people who offered me a new vision of ways I might pesonally respond to the situation at hand. I have intended to write her for months and let her know what a positive impact she's made on my life, but I haven't done it. I know why and I'm working on that particular fear.

Carolyn believes that collapse offers humanity a rare opportunity at this time - an opportunity to become reinitiated into the earth community. Carolyn has identified several possible responses to learning about collapse which she categorizes as either "initiated" or "uninitiated". We all begin from an uninitiated perspective. I prefer to categorize them as "before" and "after". Before we learn about what's happening, how could we possibly be expected to respond in a mature way? And after? Well, that's up to us.

Uninitiated Responses

Entitlement: This should not be happening to me. I have worked very hard in my life and

deserve to be gainfully employed doing meaningful work.

Positive Attitude: You can wallow in gloom and doom if you want but I'm going to maintain a positive outlook. I'm afraid I'll get depressed and won't be able to dig myself out of an emotional dungeon.

Solutions: There are solutions to these problems. Technology and human ingenuity will lead the way.

Sustainability: If enough people recycle, cut carbon emissions, buy green products and use renewable energy, we can prevent the collapse of civilization.

Delay: I deal with problems when they happen instead of obsessing about them ahead of time. I'll take action when I need to.

Present Moment: It's important to live in the here and now right now and right now my family and I are okay. It's mentally unhealthy to be thinking and talking about the collapse of civilization.

Love/Fear: I want to take action, but I don't want to do so out of fear. Fear is not a good motivator. I prefer to focus on love and compassion.

It's so interesting when I run into these responses in the real world and I do all the time. I'm finding that the majority of people with whom I discuss collapse are responding with Solutions. I hung onto that one until the Gulf spill. Now it's obvious to me that we do not have the technology to safely finish what we've begun. I also run into a lot of Sustainability, Present Moment and Love/Fear, the latter two which find their home in the current New Age spiritual paradigm.

Now let's look at the possible responses from an initiated/after perspective:

Initiated Perspective

Non-special engagement with humanity: Yes, I've worked hard in my life. From that experience I've gathered many skills which will be useful to me as the earth community undergoes enormous shifts. Because I am not separate from that community and because we are all deeply connected, I am being called, along with all other beings who inhabit the planet, to not only experience these momentous changes, but to contribute my talents and skills to enhancing our common well being in the process.

A willingness to confront what is, not what I'd like it to be: I do not enjoy looking at unpleasant realities, but if I don't look, then I cannot see, and if I cannot see, I am not serving myself or anyone else. I will look, and I will feel the feelings that surface as I do so. I will remember that within the word "emotion" is the word "motion" which means that feelings are fluid and shift and change like the flow of water. Feeling sad today does not guarantee that I will feel sad tomorrow or that I will become frozen in any one emotion. I wll ask my community to look with me, and we will support one another as we do.

There may be no solutions to the issues created by humanity's greed, self-absorption and cruelty: We may be encountering a predicament that cannot be solved but only responded to. How can I and my loved ones and community best respond to these daunting challenges? How can we work together to minimize the loss of life and care for each other? If ther are no "solutions", then what does this mean? What is the message in this unprecedented reality?

The crisis the planet now faces is far more immense than responding with mere sustainability: Sustainability means that something lasts, and living sustainably is a natural and inevitable response to living in connection with the earth community. Living in this way at this late hour is unlikely to prevent the collapse of civilization. I will need feed the puerile paradigm of civilization for the sake of supporting green products because it's the "right thing to do" or because it makes me feel good. I want to live sustainably not because it will "save" the earth but because my connection with the earth community compels me to do so.

I am willing to deal with both the present and the future: It is foolish to only live n the present moment. Time is a tapestry of past, present, and future, and I need to prepare for the future as well as enjoy the present moment. Because I am an adult, I need to be mindful of the well being of myelf, my loved ones, and my community, as well as generations that will succeed me, and therefore, I cannot afford to live exclusively in the present.

Ironically, the more I consider the likely consequences of the future, the more I appreciate the here and now: Each moment, each meal, the reality of having food, shelter, health, friends, and my faculties I savor more intensely because I am aware of the likelihood that in the future, these gifts will be much harder to acquire than they are now. In fact, humans have the capacity to read the indicators of how the future might be based on compelling evidence; not to do so or having done so, then choosing not to prepare would be mentally, physically and emotionally unhealthy.

I will not polarize the emotions of love and fear: Fear in humans serves an evolutionary function to warn of impending danger so that one may take action to prevent harm. From the initiatory perspective, love and fear are complementary, not conflicting, emotions. Through fear, humans often tap into layers of courage that were previously unknown and unused. The word 'courage" has its roots in the French word "la coeur" which means heart. To have courage is to have heart and to be motivated by love and compassion.

People have been expressing concern over the direction of my writing, worried that I am taking a "doom and gloom" attitude, worried that I should stay in Positive Attitude and Present Moment, worried that I'm sidetracked from my recovery.

Simultaneous with consciously choosing an initiated response in my ownl ife, is improved mental and physical health, a real sense of empowerment and most importantly, a renewed connection with the earth community. I would say this began in earnest for me when I hunted and processed my own meat for food and was infused with an enormous sense of gratitude for the mutual synergy that is a natural relationship with our fellow creatures.

I find that my sobriety is more sustainable the more I focus on overall health: healing food, healing relationships, time to contemplate, time to play, time to work.

My wish for all of us is that as we continue to face what needs to be faced, these gifts will be activiated in all our lives.

I went through all my treatment materials recently and came across a poem I wrote while I was there. It was during my first 9 days, when I didn't sleep but an hour or two at most and that disturbed and fitful. By the end of those 9 days, I had pretty much reached full psychosis (anybody would). I remember writing this now, but I had forgotten about it until I discovered it. It's a hard poem, and really unfinished, but here it is, written in November/2009:

I have wandered through the

wet blackness

Blind as the colorless cave creatures

through oil-black sludge

sticky sucking sand

pulling me further into the darkness.

Down. Down.

Where there is no light.

And you.

You have been there with me.

I couldn't see you

but the smell was unmistakable.

From within the blackness

I have seen the tiniest pinprick of light.

Let's follow it.

And see where it goes.

Pretty dark, huh? Well, except for the light at the end of the tunnel. Meanwhile, the new fawns don't seem to have a conern in the world, except frolicking in the spring daisies and keeping close to mom.

Rolling the Dice

2010-07-21T07:09:00.000-07:00

The more I learn about the chemical dispersants used by BP in the "clean-up" effort, the more baffled I become by the public's lack of alarm.

Following are quotes from an article published on the Corpwatch webpage, an entity, which as far as I can tell, is actually an independent corporate watchdog.

The most interesting part, if not the most disturbing, is that the oil industry is making the dispersant - Corexit to sell to itself. They've (BP and Nalco) been hanging around together in this king size bed with raw silk sheets, down comforters and feather pillows, sipping champagne and noshing cavier for quite awhile. And the EPA is about as effective as a limp rag in holding them to any accountability. And you know why. Surely they've been stopping by for an occasional sleep-over.

The most disturbing part? They're testing the seafood coming out of the Gulf for oil, not chemical dispersants. You realize what this means. They (the gov't and BP) are taking a "wait and see" attitude with the future health of the people who eat that seafood and making it seem safe by saying it's been tested for oil. I don't know about you, but that makes me slightly furious. Seems criminal to me.

I would stand with the people in the Gulf in demanding that the seafood be tested for ANYTHING unsafe.

Anyway, here are the quotes with a link to the full article:

"We're basically rolling the dice with the use of chemical dispersants in the Gulf," said Richard Denison, an Environmental Defense Fund scientist.

Aside from the public relations boon from low balling the flow, BP has a financial incentive: U.S.-government-imposed fines are based on quantity of oil released.

While state and federal agencies have been testing gulf seafood for oil, no one is conducting chemical testing for the presence of dispersants.

In the first month of the spill, Nalco stock spiked, and estimated sales of Corexit garnered $40 million. Next quarter sales will be released on July 27. Watching with envy, other dispersant manufacturers have cried foul, and linked the exclusive use of Corexit to Nalco's close relationship to BP, rather than to the products' superiority.

Nalco board member Rodney F. Chase, is a nearly four-decade veteran of BP, most recently as a managing director and deputy group chief executive. (A former Exxon Mobil Corp. president is also on Nalco's board of directors.)

"It's a chemical that the oil industry makes to sell to itself, basically," Richard Charter, a senior policy adviser for Defenders of Wildlife, was quoted in a May 13 Greenwire blog.

And here is the material safety data sheet for Corexit.

It Really Does Take a Village, or Two

2010-07-16T06:45:00.000-07:00

Every morning I sit down at the computer with a cup of coffee and check the Gulf Coast links on my sidebar to see what's happening. This morning I was happy to see a new post from Velveteen Mind. Megan is an incredibly smart woman, an excellent writer and as far as bloggers go, well, she's what you might call at the top of the food chain, publishing her own literary e-zine/blog called Blog Nosh which I am only now beginning to explore.

Megan has hope that BP actually can "make this right". Better even.

Well, wouldn't you if you lived there? Do you think you could face the devastating loss while still reeling from Katrina, a not-so-great depression, huge corporate buy-outs paid for with OUR money, lies and deception at every level of government and corporations. Wouldn't you cling to anything that might provide some glimmer of hope for the people, the ocean and the wildlife? For a way of life which Megan describes beautifully? I probably would if I were there. But I've taken Derrick Jensen's advice and given up on hope:

A wonderful thing happens when you give up on hope, which is that you realize you never needed it in the first place. You realize that giving up on hope didn't kill you. It didn't even make you less effective. In fact it made you more effective because you ceased relying on someone or something else to solve your problems, you ceased hoping your problems would somehow get solved through the magical assistance of God, the Great Mother, the Sierra Club, valiant tree-sitters, brave salmon or even the earth itself - and you just began doing whatever it takes to solve those problems yourself.

Also, I'm not there. I'm about as far away as you can get from the Gulf and remain inside the contiguous U.S. But growing up in Georgia provided many wonderful times in the Gulf. It was only 6 hours to Panama City, Destin or Pensacola. I love the Gulf and I hurt for it. Perhaps my distance allows me to be more cynical about this disaster, or more realistic.

Many in our country now are sympathizing with the poor sots in the Gulf Coast. "Oh, how awful for those people." You can practically hear the relief in their own voices. Finally, someone has it worse. We may be un or underemployed, without health insurance and unable to afford care and we may be on the verge of bankruptcy, but we're not down there. We're not covered in oil with no end in sight and the losses growing by the minute.

Here's the thing, though. WE ARE. We are all down there. That sigh of relief will empty your lungs and lower your heartrate slightly, but it won't change the facts. We are all drenched in oil. This country has been built on it for the last 150 years and our arrogance and stupidity are catching up with us. In my experience there's only one thing to do with an addiction like we have: face it and do the best you can. Read. Be informed. Take action. Find it interesting when a non-profit environmental organization scolds BP while cozying right up to them. Do not turn away from what's happening to the wildlife, even when it hurts. And it will.

Know that there are 27,000 abandoned wells now in the Gulf of Mexico; many of which are probably leaking. Oh yeah, don't forget all the ammo from the WWII ships coming home. Don't forget that most of the fish we eat is already contaminated with mercury, PCB's and other toxins, even before Corexit (make sure to read down to toxicity). Don't forget that all we have left is our choice of how to handle the things we face. We will either stay in denial and await a return to "normal". Or we will get busy re-creating normal into some semblence of what it actually is for human beings and the earth: small communities, small economies, local food resources. In other words, villages.

That little fellow above is a river otter we saw on a recent kayaking trip. He's not covered in oil; he just has an incredibly black coat designed for colder waters and sleek swimming. Isn't he wonderful?

Big Box Stores - An Industrial Dilemma

2010-07-13T06:32:00.000-07:00

I’ve been avoiding thinking about this, much less discussing it. At the risk of sounding somewhat melodramatic, I have to say that I hate the big W. It is the ultimate representation, in my mind, of what ails our society: consumption, consumption and over-consumption of cheap crap that you won’t care about tomorrow. Montana has been slow to get on the W wagon but a Super W just opened in Kalispell and I finally went shopping there last week. Usually, I only buy prescriptions or health and beauty items (toothpaste, shampoo, etc.) there, but after seeing the prices, I did my grocery shopping there. Here’s the thing: I can’t afford not to. In the past three years, my income has decreased by 2/3rds and I was barely above the poverty line before then. I receive food assistance from the government, go to the local food bank and apparently, food shop at the Big W. I could kick myself now for every time I’ve shopped at W without giving it a second thought. Before my education.

I don’t want to support W with what little money I now make. I do want to eat. I will eat healthy. There’s no way I can afford food shares from a local CSA and W has beautiful produce with an organic selection that someone on such a limited budget simply can’t pass up.

The food I bought at W would’ve cost me over twice as much at my local grocery; close to three times as much at my local health food store, both of which I would much rather support. I would boycott W if I could. But for our household I have to make decisions and obtain the best food at the best price that I possibly can. So I’m presented with a major ongoing dilemma.

Last year I joined a club store so I could afford to purchase items like wild salmon, nuts, bulk olive oil and a peach mango salsa that I became addicted to. Then I worked at that store for two days. I didn’t work for that store because I worked for the contractor that handles the flowers sold there – or rather the contractor that the contractor that handles the flowers hired to maintain the flower display. My first day after a 6-hour training 4 weeks earlier was Mother’s Day weekend, the second largest floral holiday of the year. I arrived at 7:00 on Saturday morning and met up with 10 pallets of flowers to be stocked, restocked, maintained, displayed and sold on my first day of work. Nice. Workers are hired through a system whereby the employee is completely dispensable unless they're part of “corporate.” At the end of the day, all the flowers that weren’t sold and were showing the slightest bit of age were required to be thrown in the dump with a club store employee present. And that’s just the beginning. Air miles, ground miles and despicable waste is being produced to get those stupid flowers into that stupid display so stupid people can buy them at the least cost. Only people aren’t necessarily stupid – just very uninformed, dulled by the promise of more of the best and always for less no matter what – no matter the cost to our planet and millions of people in third-world countries who can’t afford not to produce the food for the conglomerates. Now it’s time to re-up with the store and while I hate it, I will probably do it because otherwise I will not be eating those items, only one of which I consider a complete luxury.

I guess the best advice I have if you find yourself in a similar predicament - not wanting to buy from the big stores, but unable to afford not to, is to do what you have to do right now. Don't feel guilty about it, but be very aware of all the social consequences you're supporting that you would rather not. Become more conscious and start small to empwer yourself away from the corporate food grid for the long-term.

On the positive side, my permaculture campaign with the cowboy is slowly but surely making progress. I hope that by next summer we will at least have a goat, some chickens, a worm farm and share a garden like I’m doing this year. We’ve also decided to store some dry items like rice, beans, salt and grains. Following the links will show you how each one of these things is not only fairly simple, but healthier for humans and the planet. I believe that for the planet to heal, food production needs to go as absolutely local as possible: like your back yard. Don't forget good dirt: an acre of organic cropland can take approximately 7,000 lbs. of carbon dioxide out of the atmosphere each year.

Meanwhile summer just can’t quite get here this year. We built a fire for warmth on the 5th of July. But last Saturday it was 80 degrees and we kayaked McDonald Lake in the Mission Mountains. That's where the picture above was taken. I'm so fortunate to live in a place that still retains remnants of wildness.

What Can I Do?

2010-07-09T07:36:00.000-07:00

I ask myself this question many times a day: "What can I do? How can I make a difference?" It's a hard question to ask knowing how powerless one is in the face of obstaces which don't just seem insurmountable, many of them actually are. As the reality of our destruction to the environment, to ourselves and every other critter on the planet becomes, well, more real, it's easy to get lost in despair, frustration and rage. These emotions are necessary and important and will be experienced if you're waking up, but they are meant to be moved through. I have found that taking some action, however small it may seem, helps these energies have their say and then move on, to be replaced by empathy, compassion and a need to set things right, somehow.

What can I do? I can help my readers become better informed and offer them ways I've found to become personally and politically active. I would request that you take a moment and check out the sites I've listed on my sidebar under Gulf Coast. Or better yet, why don't I take you on a little tour?

This site is the Gulf Restoration Network. They show trajectory maps for the oil spill and provide good information on what's happening politically.

Here you will find the National Resources Defense Council site where bloggers are working to educate us about all the environmental disasters going on now including the Gulf spill.

This one is Unified Command - BP's response site. Proceed with caution here and do not go if you're already feeling angry or anxious. Become conscious of the perpetrators.

The American Birding Assocation is working hard for the winged wildlife in the Gulf and on keeping their readers informed.

After salivating over the figs shown here, check out their Hands Across the Sand: an international peaceful protest against off-shore drilling organized months before the Gulf spill.

This website will cause your hope gene to kick in and this one may make you cry.

And last, but certainly not least this one provides a way to make your voice heard. Sign the petition. Get involved. Send it to your local elected officials as well as the President. Declare your commitment to transitioning away from an oil-based, patriarchally defined society towards a reverence-based lifestyle. Reverence for all life, our fellow travelers, our deluded masses, our visionary environmentalists, ourselves.

I will, of course, continue to add sites I find relevant. And now for some food therapy.

Rustic Breakfast: Scrambled Eggs with Basil and Sharp Cheddar

Ingredients:

2 farm fresh eggs

Basil leaves to taste

Sharp cheddar to taste

Coarse sea salt

Fresh cracked pepper

Olive oil and real butter

Ground flax seed (optional)

Crack eggs into bowl and whip with delighted abandon. Bless the chicken, bless the egg, bless our hearts. Heat a tiny bit of olive oil and real butter in a skillet over medium heat until the butter begins to froth. Oh my god that heating butter smells like heaven. Pour in eggs and treat like an omelette, folding not mixing until a slight browning forms. Before removing from heat, tear fresh basil leaves with your fingers and top eggs. Put 'em on a plate and shred sharp cheddar cheese to your liking - add coarse sea salt and freshly cracked pepper. Feel your body respond. Rocket boost your omega fats with a tablespoon of ground flax seed.

Waking Up

2010-07-03T08:35:00.000-07:00

Even though she’s no longer with us, Chani remains a source of inspiration and courage for me.

From Chani’s blog, September 30, 2006

I have found that giving up materialism and consumerism has brought me to a higher respect for all life around me, the things around me and a consciousness of the way I view others. This culture teaches that human value is determined by participation in the economy. A lawyer has more value than a customer service representative, as an example. This culture diminishes the disabled, the elderly and the poor. It diminishes extended family. It places the individual above the common good. It diminishes primary relationships, turning them into utilitarian contracts. I am very aware of how much this has crept into my thinking and I have always been socially conscious, so I thought. Now, I deliberately watch for this and change it. It's very subtle and pops out in the most unexpected places. (Just today, I read a rather vile post on one of my Buddhism mailing lists in which a member ran down homeless people. Two years ago, I wouldn't have challenged it. Today, I did.) It has increased my compassion.

I believe Chani was way ahead of most of us in her level of awareness about the reality of the culture we have created. In the quote above she expresses the imbalance with which we live in a few succinct sentences, and brilliantly. Also, in one small paragraph she shares with us ways she had found to be the change she wished to see in the world.

As my own awareness expands to include more painful realities to be faced, I’m humbled by Chani’s fierce spirit. She undertook the responsibility to change her reality from the inside out, despite a world that never offered her much in the way of support. The more of us who become willing to follow her lead, the easier the transition will be as global civilization continues to crumble.

Chani successfully dealt with her own addictions and like anyone who has addiction, she knew that more than anything addiction is about loss. Not only loss of material things, but deeper more important losses: dignity, self-respect, relationships, the simple ability to feel your feelings no matter how uncomfortable to you or anyone else they are. It takes great skill and creativity to understand the insanity of this world and still work to gain the resources needed to live your life. Chani had the imagination and she developed the skills to drop every notion of what Western culture taught her was “normal” and to forge a fulfilling life.

I don’t think many of our general population has any idea how to get up day after day, when the losses seem too great and the disease too far progressed and still brush their teeth, still get dressed and still find meaning within daily life no matter how diminished life may seem at the moment. No idea how to navigate a world where compassion, kindness and value for all of life have taken a backseat to greed, self-aggrandizement and hate.

We have lived within the illusion that our way of life was right. We’ve turned a blind eye to the way we’ve abused our own resources and a lot of the rest of the worlds as well. As long as we could still get a fix from a new toy (gas-powered of course) or the right brand name t-shirt, shoot-up with our own sense of superiority over those less fortunate and cop-out on our responsibility to our fellow earthlings (animal and human alike) we could maintain the illusion.

But as soon as the things we count on to keep us transfixed start falling away the illusion fades. And then what’re we gonna do?

Currently I’m doing a good job of detaching from the shared hallucination. I have let go the American Dream and man what a relief. I was lucky, though. The illusion never worked very well for me in the first place so I’ve had experience with breaking free from it, but only recently have I been able to maintain the disconnect. I find that as I continue to watch from a safe distance, my personal equanimity finds its place again.

I believe part of the illusion in my own case was getting caught in the Western dream of recovery from addiction. If one just follows these steps, reads this book, does these exercises, takes this medication and prays daily to a patriarchal god, one can become “free.” Sometimes what we think is our salvation is just another trap, another rabbit hole, another place to hide.

I don’t mean to sound flippant about my past year’s of alcoholism when I write about getting drunk one night on a family vacation and interrupting a perfectly good trip with my problem. But there comes a point when one has to consciously choose to leave that shame and guilt behind, realizing that it’s all internal and that sobriety will surely not be had while lugging it around. There comes a point when one realizes that the more attention one gives to addiction, whether it’s living in it or “recovering” from it, one is still feeding the beast. I’m finding that when I stop feeding him – physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually, he just slinks off to a dark, damp corner and lies in wait – one eye open, cold and wet and hungry. I imagine his one eye becomes heavy with sleep and pretty soon he’s just a snoring hunk of junk, harmful only to those who fear him still, only to those who have to keep living a collective nightmare.

I don’t freakin’ think so.

Memories of the Gulf and other assorted debris

2010-06-30T07:23:00.000-07:00

And along comes Alex. Well I don't know about you, but all my worst fears about the oil gusher in the Gulf are coming true. I can hardly bear to think about the devastation. I grew up in Georgia and spent a lot of time vacationing in the Gulf, sticking mostly to the tourist areas: Panama City, Destin, Pensacola. Some years ago, my sister Cindy discovered an incredible secret in the Gulf called Cape San Blas. Cape San Blas is defintely off the beaten path and we had a great vacation there one year. Cindy's kids were little, our aunt went with us and if I just hadn't gotten drunk that one night it would've been a picture-perfect trip. Oh, except Carlee hit her brother between the eyes with a boomerang. Accidentally, of course. That was some drama. Anyway, the cape is so far off the beaten path it's a real trip to eat in a restaurant, but with her superior gastro-investigative skills Cindy found the best place for fresh oysters in the entire region: Boss Oyster. Located in Appalachicola, they offer menu items like Oysters Lim-o-zine: bay oysters and artichokes poached in champagne and cream over tender baby spinach layered in a puff pastry. Can you feel it?? Unfortunately, pastries are out for me these days. Anything made with commercial flour produces a very unpleasant response in my tummy. I guess good fresh oysters at Boss are soon to be a thing of the past as well.

I browsed through the websites for the Gulf towns listed above. One of them has a link to the Unified Command webpage, BP's response site. Take a look and tell me it doesn't look like those boys are having fun.

When I see my mental health doc she always asks me a set of questions.

"Have you felt like hurting yourself?"

"No."

"Have you felt like hurting anyone else?"

Pause

"Only (fill in the blank)."

"Who's that?"

Complete and utter silence as I wonder in amazement that this intelligent, thoughtful woman had no idea who it was. So I told her. I mean, he'd only been on the news and in those disgusting commercials every day for a freakin' month.

She changed the subject.

Later that same day I saw my mental health therapist. I told her I needed a revolution to join. She thought I was kidding.

I have found a good therapy for myself, though. I call it chop therapy. Rustic eating requires lots of chopping of vegetables and herbs. I can really get into chopping. Chop! There goes one head. Chop! Chop! Two more. Chop! Chop! Whack!! I feel my blood pressure begin to lower.

And I pray. All the time.

Willingness

2010-06-26T09:00:00.001-07:00

Only the willing undertaking of responsibility can lead to healing.

Starhawk, The Twelve Wild Swans

Catching Up

2010-06-23T10:46:00.000-07:00

It's been 8 months since I've had consistent access to the internet. If I hadn't filed bankruptcy I still couldn't afford the access, but my return to work along with a great deal with my ISP have made it possible for me to once again be connected via the world wide web. Living without an internet connection has probably been the most difficult thing to deal with since I went from being middle-class, to poor, to very poor over the past few years. I resume using the internet with a new appreciation of how we use our technology or our technology uses us. A certain mindfulness is required in order to not get sucked into the frivolous and meaningless. The most important aspects of the internet to me personally are the access to real news and the ability to find and make connections to community . . . and I ain't talking facebook here. I have especially missed participating with my blogging community and am looking forward to catching up and seeing who's been up to what.

On that note, I've been eager to read the entirety of Chani's blog and I started today. For those who don't know, Chani was a friend of mine and many others in our blogging community. She passed away unexpectedly on March 23rd of this year. I'm not sure exactly when I began reading Chani's blog, but it was quite a while after she started it and I don't usually read back on blogs. Reading Chani's blog from start to finish is a way for me to honor a friend I never met in person, but who made a tremendous contribution to my life with her authenticity and loving friendship. I believe Chani's community called her home and I hope she realized how far she had come in creating community for herself here. I am a better person for having known Chani. She started writing in September of 2006 and I resonate emphatically with much of what she wrote then. Like this:

I began to read. I took in ideas the way a thirsty person takes in fresh water. I was hungry for ideas beyond my immediate reach, for things that would link me somehow to this odd world which I perceived as being so unreachable. Where were others like me, others who had a non-aggressive, non-competitive approach to life? Where were those for whom western culture was little more than soul-sucking? Where could I go that wasn't reduced to a glorified marketplace? The religions I investigated wanted to either pick my pocket or force me into a box that wouldn't fit. Inevitably, parts of me would begin falling out the sides and I would lose my new community.

I'm still working at the ranch store. I moved from being a cashier in the main store to the clothing department. I don't get as many hours but the job is doable without creating the intense anxiety that leads to panic attacks, emotional meltdowns and generally feeling like total shit. It was hard for me to ride the whole thing out; it was questionable whether I would continue working there and I was humiliated and embarrased by the panic attacks. But now that I've moved departments, I'm glad I hung in there and stayed humble and willing. I don't believe this mental state will last forever. I'm working my way out of it since I went to treatment, but it's slow.

After much consideration and discussion with my mental health doc, I decided to discontinue the anti-d I had been taking since Feb/09 when I was hospitalized. I have decided to use St. John's Wort for depression and valerian for anxiety while working on a cleaner, healthier lifestyle in general. Healthy food, exercise and sunshine are hard to beat. I became allergic to wheat this past winter and have notched up what was already a pretty healthy diet. I've begun making my own body care and home-cleaning products in moving towards a goal of getting off petroleum-based living. Peggy and I are harvesting mixed greens and herbs while we await the carrots, tomatoes, squash, strawberries, peas, beets and spuds. I'm eating pansies, nastursiums and dandelion greens. I've come to think of the way Brent and I eat as "rustic." Whole foods, good ingredients, lots of garlic, onion and pepper, herbs and spices, olive oil. It occurs to me I've developed a lot of skills learning to live well on much, much less. It occurs to me we're all going to have to learn those skills. It isn't easy, but it can be done.

Yeah, I still believe civilization is collapsing and I believe things are going to go from bad to worse. But I've stopped bargaining and raging and started accepting. Of course I know I will bargain and rage again. The good thing is I no longer think that response is pathological. I think it's pathological to refuse to see and accept reality, but that's what addiction is all about really. We're all addicted to oil-based living and we're all going to get to go cold-turkey, detox and hopefully come out the other side a bit better for it. Two books helped me a lot with moving into acceptance: Sacred Demise: Walking the Spiritual Path of Industrial Civilization's Collapse by Carolyn Baker, Ph.D. and The Little Book of Letting Go by Hugh Prather.

I promise you and myself one thing as I resume blogging: no censorship. It may be hard for some people to believe that I've censored myself in my writing here, but I have. I won't anymore.

It's good to be back.

Collapse - Up Close and Personal

2010-05-22T10:32:00.000-07:00

WARNING! My thoughts are of such a dark nature these days that I have been hesitant to share them. I thought about starting another blog where I would be more anonymous. I don't want to concern or hurt anyone in any way. But for my own sanity, I want to share openly about the things I perceive. If you think the subject matter might bother you, please do not read further.

It becomes more and more difficult for me to function within society. I overestimated my readiness to return to the workforce and took on 3 new jobs in one week. It was a costly overestimation. I'm now down to one job 35 hrs/wk and having difficulty maintaining it. I've only heard one description for the type of anxiety I'm experiencing - PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Last Thursday, 3 hours into my shift, I had a major panic attack followed by an emotional meltdown from which I'm still reeling. I could not regain my equilibrium that day and had to leave work early.

The first thing to be affected by an attack is my breath. Suddenly the air will not move beyond the top of my chest and the more I try to force it, the worse it gets. The panic rises with each shallow breath, I feel the sweat break out on my face, noises become unbearable: the ding of the cash register, the jolt of static from the radios, the hard light, the hard people. Sights and sounds begin to merge until nothing feels solid anymore. Reality is a full-steam ahead freight train headed straight your way. Logical thinking disappears and pure instinct is all that remains. My language and actions are hard to control and the only option that seems practical is to GET THE HELL OUT!! As soon as possible!!

The job is a cashier position at a local home and ranch store. The rate of pay is a new low for me, but I like the store and it's grand central for gardeners in the area. This was my 2nd meltdown in the three weeks since I started, but the first happened at the end of a shift and I was able to regain my footing, however tenuous, until Thursday. For the following 18 hours I just cried, a lot.

I've spoken with my parents, always loving and supportive, and my mental health therapist with whom I have an appointment on Monday. I also spoke with my manager at the store and he wants me back next week. Sometimes kindness makes me cry more for awhile although I've learned to be leery of it as well. It often comes with a high price-tag, although I don't sense an underlying agenda here. That's one skill I've been steadily improving.

When the oil disaster in the gulf began, everything I've leanred over the past few months became more ominous. I think it's impossible to become really aware of the state of the earth and her inhabitants and not be affected by it. Media news would be laughable if it weren't so sad, and bad I might add.

Did you know that GM and an american electric conglomorate are buying large swaths of Brazilian rainforest?
They say they're acquiring "carbon credits", business as usual only they seem to know the commodoties are going to be oxygen, clean water and farmable land. Big Auto, Big Oil and the government show no signs of remorse or responsibility. If you still think anyone whoever ends up in the White House is not a puppet already, I feel sorry for you. I had high hopes for Obama. Now I have none.

Did you know that Henry Ford gave his wife the electric car he designed because it was so much cleaner, more efficient and easier to maintain?

There is one thing I don't think the big guys are counting on: not only is it not nice to fool Mother Nature, it's impossible. We are part of Mother Nature and when we abuse her we abuse ourselves. If she dies, we die. Even if they counted on disastrous climate change, they must realize it's a total toss of the dice who will make it and who won't. All the carbon credits in the world won't save them from our fate.

Despite working through a lot of my own denial about civilization's collapse, and even more importantly, the extent to which we as a nation are complicit, I was still shocked to see BP officials and the Coast Guard working together to cover-up what's happening with the "spill". I wonder who asked the locals if they thought it was a good idea to pour toxic dispersants over an already over-heated Gulf of Mexico. Might as well call it the Gulf of Texaco now. Trust me, the gulf is not a "big ocean" as that asshole from BP would have you believe.

As the earth warms and warms, my blood runs cold and I despair. I can't tell if the PTSD is post or pre. The only safe place is the present and I find it increasingly difficult to stay here. I'm practicing DBT skills in earnest: tactile information. What do you see, feel, hear, right here, right now. Touch something. Hold ice in your hand. Breathe if you can. Ground. Small ritual helps a lot. I add to my compost pile. I help Peggy in her garden. Every bite of fresh food is sacred, clean water a blessing beyond belief, the warmth of the body next to me comforting. I call that prayer.

Mom says we just can't think about these things and I know she's right - we can't dwell on them. But I am unable to not think about it. I could go back into one of my addictions or bury my head in the sand some other way, but I won't. It would never feel right to me. If all I can do is be a witness at this point, I'm goddam well going to be an awake one. I may be herded into the inferno along with everyone else, but I'm going with awareness and hopefully a little courage and a whole lotta grace. By the way, if I thought I could distract myself from what's coming, I probably would. My distractions are currently all used up.

So I gather dandelion greens. I watch the hummingbirds, the red-tail, osprey and eagle. The sky is still blue even if the Gulf of Mexico is black. Right here, right now, I have what I need and I am grateful.

Alive and Well

2010-05-17T13:58:00.000-07:00

I'm still kicking. I began work and haven't had much library time available. For now, I'm going to put ER on hold until I can get internet service at my home. Recovery is going well, my new job is going well, the relationship is great and the world is falling apart. Have you noticed??

Much much love to all.

Thailand Chani

2010-04-21T09:25:00.000-07:00

I received a real shock yesterday when I learned of the death of one of my dear blogging and recovery friends, Thailand Chani. Chani was something else. She was an incredibly talented and bright woman who enjoyed many years of sobriety but never made a real big thing of it. She only offered her insight to provide support or advice when asked. She never interfered. She never called attention to herself. She just showed up, day after day and offered herself to a world that unfortunately didn't show much interest in her.

Chani's ideas tended toward the radical, which is where ideas go when the truth is not only sought, but found. Chani sought community and I think she finally found some form of it through her writing and blogging and her sober support group. It was mostly web-based I'm afraid. Chani had recently found herself in another situation where she was doing all the work, providing all the emotional spine and I'm sure more than her fair-share of back-breaking work. Was she appreciated for it? Only by her "virtual" friends, many of whom now find themselves thinking of Chani with a bittersweet regret that we weren't able to know her better.

She was heading off to a better life; a life she had looked forward to creating for herself through many a lean and hard year. She really deserved that life. I'm so sorry she's no longer with us and I'm going to miss her a lot. If it weren't for Chani, I wouldn't be where I am in my sobriety or in my unflinching refusal to accept where American finds herself as a nation and the world as a community. Waking up is hard to do. Chani knew that. She also knew it was the only thing left to do. For until we awaken, we keep running the capitalist, consumer-driven rat-race that is quickly coming to an end. Chani could've helped a lot of people deal with the upcoming changes. Actually, I'm pretty sure she's doing that anyway. Good luck and happy trails, sweet lady. The candle is lit. The incense is burning and the seeds are sprouting.

Red-Tail Reverie

2010-04-16T09:59:00.001-07:00

Well, I have to say after my last post I was a little afraid to see the comments. My anger still gets the best of me sometimes. A blog is a great place to let that steam off without hurting anyone else. We're all going to need to find ways to let off the steam without injuring our surrounding environment, including the people in it. Like I should have to mention people, but have you noticed they seem to be the least valuable commodity in the spotlight these days? Right next to the great mother herself, our home, our paved-over, dried up, crippled, wailing, moaning Earth.

It was critter central at Blacktail yesterday. The sun came out for the first time in a week and the afternoon warmed to a gentle air-bath. The chipmunks and chickadees were feasting on the seed I put out; the robins were fat with their red puffed-out chests and then we got a very special visitor. Brent and I were sitting on the deck taking a few minutes to enjoy the sun before he got back to framing in the entrance and I got back to filing for bankruptcy. (FREQUENT breaks are required for that particular process!) Anyway, one of the largest red-tail hawks I've ever seen came flying our way (which they do often enough on the mountain), but this one really put on a show. He was playing on some thermals that were apparently right over our heads and he swooped, dipped, dropped and soared for at least 10 minutes. He was so close the patterns in his underwing were fully visible and lit from behind by the afternoon sun. He was gorgeous. We were blessed.

This afternoon it's expected to reach 70 degrees and we're going to take the kayaks out on their inaugural voyage. Tomorrow, too. One of my goals for next week is to get some of my pictures on a network I can access at the library so I can put photos up. I finally end up on a little piece of Montana heaven and haven't put any pictures on my blog! Crazy.

I'm doing a trememdous amount of reading on collapse, energy descent, peak oil, climate change, permaculture, responses and solutions. I'm not just fascinated; I'm compelled. Of course, some people will insist on calling it obsessed, but again I say: so what? Also next week I'll put up a list of what I'm reading and fill you in on ways I'm figuring out to compromise on what I 'd like to do (have a garden, chickens, root cellar, rain-catcher, compost, and a goat) and still make a difference. Of course, the campaign continues with Brent. I thought I had him talked into two chickens but he talked himself back out of it just as quickly. But we're doing great. This morning he told me I'm the perfect woman to be here with him. A lot of times I don't like the ways in which Brent is right. But I agree with him on this one.

Partial Recovery

2010-04-14T10:55:00.000-07:00

Wow. I can't believe it's taken me an entire week to post again. I didn't get the job I was interviewed for. The position was Assistant Manager at a retail clothing store at the mall. A very young retail clothing store which I am so relieved I won't be working in I can hardly believe it. Of course, I would've taken the job had it been offered; it would be insane not to. Wouldn't it? A good job. A decent salary. Benefits. 45-50 hours/week. The company seems to be doing incredibly well in this recession, but I have to wonder considering they just opened in a dying mall environment. And those words: "this recession. " People are calling it a recovery now. Does it seem like a recovery to you?

The irony of my possibly taking a job that is the icon of all that I've come to loathe about our society: false image, profit/profit/profit, youth unending, did not escape me I'll tell you. It actually stressed me out even considering taking the position and sent my anxiety back through the roof when it had at least settled into a rocking chair for awhile. Ever since I learned I didn't get the job I'm breathing a bit easier again although the pressure to get back to work is obviously mounting as my financial situation worsens. I am altering my search accordingly.

In my last post I posed the question of what it would look like for society to come out of denial about the state of our world, the dire straits we're in and how far along the road toward energy descent, climate change and I hate to use the word, but catastrophe, we are. My good friend, Kelly, answered with her usual optimistic sweetness and said that people would begin living more simply, learning more about their food security, etc. That's a great answer and it would be good if that's what happens when people come out of denial, but what happens first are the emotions. Shock, anger, depression, bargaining and acceptance. Yes, the same ones a person goes through with grief. If you're not experiencing some of these you're not coming out of denial. Which is fine. Not everyone will. Not everyone can. Why? Because we're in recovery don't you know?

Now, I have another question. What if full recovery is never possible? And yes, I'm posing the question as it relates to addiction and collapse. What if partial recovery is the absolute best we can do? What if we have to learn to live with less; what if we begin to realize that we'll be damned lucky to live through it? I've been living in partial recovery for years. All the while society says, well, if you're not fully in recovery you're not in recovery at all. Not so, say I. It takes skill to recover at all.

Addiction/Collapse

2010-04-07T11:29:00.000-07:00

It's ugly when an addict spirals out of control. I should know; I've experienced it enough times. I believe that as civilization spirals out of control many of the same events, mental processes and responses that have been seen and used with addiction will be useful in deciding on responses to collapse. The two situations seem not just similar; they seem identical.

While my own denial still pops its sandy head, I do believe civilization is going to collapse. I think it's collapsing right now as I sit in a newly thawed city park where it looks more like fall than spring. The early frost last year caught the trees still dressed in brown leaves. The new green shoots haven't changed the skirt to its seasonal green yet and I keep losing track of the seasons. Is it fall 2009? Spring 2010? Oops, did I just fall back in time? It's with a great sigh of relief that I realize it is indeed spring. 2010. Somehow I lived through 2009, have pulled through another personal spiral and am on the road to health. As my senses and sanity return, I realize that society is just beginning its awareness of descent and I understand from my personal experience how ill-prepared we are to deal with it.

When a human being spirals out of control with an addiction a variety of likely events takes place. Since drug abuse is happening, the ability to cope is markedly lessened, there is a higher incidence of illness and accidents, an increased likelihood of lost jobs and relationships, mental problems are born or exacerbated and probably worst of all, a spiritual emptiness envelopes the addicts entire world. All the while, the addict is trying to maintain some semblence of normalcy and will be mired in a great deal of denial which tends to come and go depending on outside circumstances and inner acceptance or resistance. Or sometimes they're not in denial. Sometimes they're just too despairing to do anything but keep playing their assigned role until the inevitable crash happens.

After the crash, if one is lucky, one gets to see what pieces are left to pick up and which ones are gone forever. One has to decide which ones to pick up first and what to do with them. While one is doing that, one has to deal with the pain which inevitably sets in, the self-recriminations and guilt, the sure knowledge that so much more has been hurt than oneself, so many more than oneself. The fear that one may do it again. Immense courage is called for to take those halting first steps toward recovery. Even more is called for as it begins to dawn on one how tenuous it all is, how easily it could all break down, the possible consequences if that happens.

The signs of civilization's sprial are everywhere. I think when we look back at this time, we will wonder how anyone could have possibly missed them. The problem is that we're all so used to the signs, we take them for granted, we don't see them as signs - we see them as normal. We've become so numb to the reality of the world in which we live that our vision is affected, not to mention our cognitive ability. We've been trained to run our rat race well and attempting to slow down or stop running causes intense anxiety. However, as more and more people are affected daily by the consequences of society's loss of control, there will be no choice but to stop, no choice but to deal with the ramifications and no choice but to respond.

Since so many of us are still in an extreme phase of denial, here are some of the signs: homes being foreclosed in record numbers, skyrocketing unemployment rates and various factions of society becoming less patient with each other creating civil unrest and individuals who just want to fight. Violence lessens the anxiety for a time; any action lessens the anxiety for a time. Do I really need to go into all the illnesses affecting our environment? Dead-zones the size of Texas in the oceans, disappearing species, unusually destructive weather patterns, masses of land that will no longer bear fruit. All of these point to one big thing: less food and water for all. The human species, like all species, is designed to adapt and survive and on some level all of us feel, even if we can't yet admit it, the writing on the wall.

When one lives with addiction, one becomes comfortable with riding the unknown, with knowing that one's choices will go only so far to provide healing, realizing the rest must come from that ineffable realm known as grace, where human choice meets divine intention. To get there, we must either be forced or led out of our own denial, our own culpability, our own delusions. With vast experience on the matter, you can take it from me: being led is preferable to being forced. But being led requires willingness.

What do you think the signs of society coming out of denial might look like? I'm going to talk about that next time and your comments always help me put my thoughts into something like coherence. Denial-buster: read the ingredients on food labels, look them up, see what they do.

Meaning? What's that?

2010-04-03T11:13:00.001-07:00

When I was little, I would lie awake in bed and try to imagine the number of people on the earth, or the number of stars in the sky. Both seemed infinite and boggled my too-young mind. I would become depressed about the people - too many of them. How would I be anything but a number? How would I ever mean anything? How would our beautiful home sustain it all? At 11 years of age I was suffering from an existential lack of meaning. My body felt what my mind couldn't comprehend.

In my own way I foresaw the collapse. I felt deeply that things weren't right; that something was seriously wrong. I seemed to be the only one with any concern, so of course I determined that there was something seriously wrong with me. That was my first mistake. Don't let it be yours.

I turned away from this world and I wonder if I'm ready yet to turn back to it. Those people who used to keep me up at night? Well, they've swelled. They've swelled and they've produced and they've consumed. Even though mentally and emotionally and in my soul I turned away; still, physically, I did my part. I am complicit. All of us are guilty. Therefore, all of us are innocent.

I sought solace in anything that would provide momentary relief. My relief was overt, rebellious, in-your-face. Does that mean that your way is any less effective? I don't think so.

Anonymous Poster

2010-03-31T10:38:00.000-07:00

Well, I may have to take my friend Robyn's advice and disable anonymous commentors. Here's why. The most recent anonymous comment is not really anonymous at all. I know who wrote it and I know why he wrote it. And I don't think it's a damned bit funny.

Why do people feel the need to take jabs? I'm sorry, but I just don't get it. Don't you have enough to do? Can't you find a better hobby? Do you have any idea of the reason YOU need to lash out and hurt someone else? And if you think there was something wrong with my comment to my father, that's your sick mind, not mine.

I was having a great day until I read that comment. Although I suppose I could consider it entertaining, especially since it's so damned obvious who wrote it. Anyway, I think I'll just continue on with my day. I'm at one of my favorite places, the Kalispell Library, doing some of my favorite things; the sun is out and the little house has a fresh coat of paint that's making my life much brighter!

I met with my mental health counselor today and she's fabulous. I can't believe how much we went over in an hour and how relieved I am to find that she's just as great as my counselor in Polson was and she has a real brain in her head. It's unfortunate, but many, many professionals think they know your story already. They meet you , slap a label on you and figure out your entire life in a few minutes. Isn't that brilliant? If you can find one who actually listens, hold onto them.

I'm working on an essay about the similarities between civilization spiraling out of control and an addict spiraling out of control and the most helpful options in approaching either one. It'll be up by the end of the week. Thanks for visiting. Thanks for reading. Thanks most of you for commenting.

Hello Job, Good-bye Life?

2010-03-29T10:33:00.000-07:00

I googled successful businesswoman images and this came up. I couldn't resist.

Anyway, the job situation is looking up with a couple of good opportunities that I'm following up on. Everything from retail store management to greenhouse assistant (which is of course just a fancy term for LABORER).

I'm eager to return to work, but it really is like "Hello, Job, Good-bye Life" if I obtain full-time work which is looking entirely possible now.

Sorry I wrote such a short post, dad. You can look a little longer. (hee hee)

Mundane Matters

2010-03-26T10:04:00.000-07:00

I've been in Lakeside a month and am adjusting to the new location and the new live-in relationship well. The job search continues but I knew it would be difficult and I just keep applying, dropping off resumes and making contacts. Something will turn up, but I have to wonder how sustainable it will be.

In my chemical dependency group this week one of our members related a story about going to the emergency room after a suspected seizure. She takes medication for Reynaud's Syndrome which has already caused her to lose the tip of one of her fingers. She inadvertently took two 60 mg pills instead of two 30 mg pills after a prespcription change and was suffering fainting and seizure spells. When she explained to the nurse what happened, the nurse immediately said, "Well, I'll put overdose on the chart." She then proceeded to treat the woman rather poorly and implied that she shouldn't have brought her son to the emergency room with her. The woman was so shook up that talking about it caused her to burst into tears at the relating of it. She couldn't understand why the woman felt it necessary to treat her like that. I can't understand it either. I just know I've been treated the same way at times when it wasn't appropriate and it hurts.

I'm meeting one of my LSR friends for lunch today and am excited about that. It's always good to connect with other recovering people with whom I share a history.

I'm continuing my study of permaculture, the inevitable(?) collapse of civilization and how the principles of permaculture as a response to collapse relate to recovery. I'd be happy to hear opinions. Yes, that's an invitation.

Scared to Salvation

2010-03-22T10:13:00.000-07:00

Brent and I went to church with his dad yesterday, a little country Baptist church counting a congregation of about 40 souls. Since we don't attend regularly, I really enjoy it when we do. I grew up in a Southern Baptist church and I know the hymns, the sermons and the feel. Only now I don't have to feel guilty about whether or not I am "truly" saved and I won't have nightmares about what happens if I'm not.

The pastor, Pastor Chase (not his real name of course), told a great story of his own conversion. He was a boy of 9. His parents and grandparents lived on the same property and farmed it along with other local church members. One day Pastor Chase came home from football practice to find no one home. Since they weren't in the house, he figured they were in the barn, but it too was bereft of his brethren. He could see the church two fields away and he focused hard on it, wishing and praying to see any of his kin or church brothers in the vicinity. Alas, the church was quiet. Pastor Chase was in shock. Surely the rapture had come and Jesus had taken every one of his family members and most of his friends and neighbors as well. But young Chase had obviously been left behind. It seemed especially ironic to his child's mind since he had been planning to be saved in church next week and now he would be spending his eternity in hell with a long stint of earth-bound hell before. As he sat there crying and trembling he became so caught up in his grief that he never heard the family coming up the hill from the garden until his grandmother touched him on the shoulder with a look of concern growing in her eyes. Chase went right to his knees and offered his heart to the Lord and I reckon that's about when he became Pastor Chase as well. The moral of the story? Having the bejesus scared out of you at age 9 will get you saved and to heaven for sure.

I was gifted a "get out of hell free" card before leaving and I'm feeling pretty secure with my little card in my pocket.

I experienced the same feelings, the same thought/guilt processes in my efforts to understand the religious experience of my youth, with which I no longer feel anything but the most quaint affinity, as I did attempting to understand my experience with AA. I've known for a long time that it felt the same and yesterday I understood more about why. The similarities were striking to me as they were revealed.

Attend church forever/go to meetings forever
Follow Bible literally/follow Big Book literally
Saved=Sober/Unsaved=Drinking
Witness/12-step calls

Another striking commonality: they both use fear to great advantage to get their point across. Fear of hellfire and damnation or a lifetime of drinking. In my life, they amount to the same thing.

Because the personal is political

2010-03-19T14:28:00.001-07:00

Sometimes an anonymous commenter comes along who really makes me think. Which, in my opinion, is always a good thing. In his last comment, anonymous said, "I don't think it makes sense to say that society wants addicts in the throes of their addictions. Using behavior is unstable, expensive and anti-social."

The comment brings up a very good point. I don't think society, which is different by the way from the individuals that make up a society, consciously wants the addict in their addiction. The individuals in society don't think about it until it affects them personally, nor should they. But when the societal system is observed as a whole - objectively, it works that way. There are certain groups of people who continually get the short end of the stick. These groups are getting larger and larger in case you haven't noticed because they comprise what used to be our entire middle class.

When you say using behavior is unstable, expensive and anti-social I couldn't agree with you more. Here's the thing: everyone is addicted in this society. We're addicted to production and social mania and chasing our own asses in an ever-tightening circle. We're addicted to television, video games and Hollywood, and we're lazy. We've forgotten that good health is directly related to the foods we eat which is directly related to how we treat Mother Earth and all her creatures which is directly related to the lack of meaning most of us have acquired as a result of being part of a dysfunctional, addicted society - this society and this time, particularly.

When I write on Eclectic Recovery I'm holding a much bigger picture than myself and my little problems. This blog has never been just about me. My intent has always been to reach a certain audience who while often quite functional, is still having trouble maintaining sobriety and who is uncomfortable in the more prevalent recovery venues, i.e., AA. In the process of exploring my own issues with addiction, I've become more and more aware of how delusional our society has become as a whole and I've been following the crumbs to what could possibly heal the individual and society at the same time.

My friend, Chani, replied this to your comment: "Anonymous, I've been following this thread and I think you're not seeing the big picture. The way I interpret Angela's observation is in the more global social context. Does the social system we live in right now require an underlcass to survive? You betcha! This is basic economic reality. Addicts are judged and pushed into the underclass because there is a fundamental lack of compassion at the root of our current competitive system where some have to be on bottom for others to remain on top."

She's right. I'm always looking at how the personal relates to the global/social context. Or as my friend, Eric Francis puts it, how the personal becomes political.

Permaculture? What's that?

2010-03-15T11:25:00.000-07:00

Brent and I drove over to Plains, a couple of valley's over, to look at some wood Brent was considering purchasing to build his front door. It's going to be gorgeous - blue pine with an authentic ship's portal for a window and a great handle which we're still hunting. We met a couple last summer at a summer fair where they were displaying his woodwork and her homemade jams, soaps and good stuff like that. We talked to them for quite awhile that day and exchanged numbers. Their names are Dan and Laurie. Dan has the wood. He's looking to come up with a few nice production pieces and produce and distribute them. He's very, very good.

Dan and Laurie have chickens, hogs, several garden areas, two lambs, fruit trees, a well, and a field mouse named Minimus for a pet. Dan and Laurie are doing permaculture and they'd never heard of it. I was in heaven. We're going back to spend some time with them this week, even though it's an hour's drive one way. Brent has already learned a lot from Dan and I'm dying to spend some time with Laurie and pick her brain about things. Starting with chickens.

I've been reading and soaking in the information at Carolyn Baker's website and have discovered some striking similarities between addiction-recovery-freedom and collapse-initiation-permaculture.

Addiction/Collapse

A/C - Spiraling out of control.
A/C - Common symptoms - denial and rationalization.
A/C - Instant gratification.
A/C - Stunted emotional growth.
A/C - Lack of meaning.
A/C - Loneliness/depression/use.

Recovery/Initiation

R/I - Forced or led out of denial.
R/I - Desire to change - pursuit of change.
R/I - Emotional growth resumes.
R/I - Meaning returns.
R/I - Connections are made and communities sought.
R/I - With meaning comes optimism and hope.

Freedom/Permaculture

F/P - Maintenance of change and continued ongoing change.
F/P - Goals become clearer, more defined.
F/P - Willing to continually delay gratification.
F/P - Inner life deepens, relationships improve.
F/P - Mental health continues improvement as meaning deepens.
F/P - Communities flourish under new rules-new definitions.

Now, that last one, that seems to be the question both personally and politically. Will communities flourish? Can people come together and do the hard work and consider the earth and each other?

Anonymous wrote me again and I'm very appreciative of his/her comments. My next post will address his comment and Chani's reply and hopefully clear some things up regarding Eclectic Recovery and what it's all about.

I start my chemical dependency group this week here in Kalispell. I'm looking forward to that and to our visit to Dan and Laurie's. Still doing my computer work at the library, but hope to write again tomorrow. In the meantime, stay sober, love each other and read ingredients.

Survival Mode

2010-03-08T10:12:00.000-08:00

I've learned some things over the past few years. I've learned what it feels like to have homes snatched from under your feet. I've learned what it feels like to be discriminated against for everything from having addiction/mental health problems to becoming unemployed, utilizing food assistance and even losing my health insurance. Somewhere along the way I kicked into absolute survival mode: How the hell do I get through the day with so much uncertainity, when nothing is stable, least of all me?

I've learned that when you're the one attempting to survive, when decisions have to be made according to food and shelter, you start becoming free from other people's opinions, unlocked from their discriminations, uncaring of what you may or may not look like to someone else. And when other people's opinions begin to matter less, you wonder why they ever did. The world starts looking completely different.

My father told me something the other day that stuck in my mind. He said, "They haven't taken your life from you, Angela. How you live your life is still your choice. No one can take that from you." He's always been brighter than your average dad.

Coming to understand how I contributed to the chaos does nothing to change that it's occurring, but still it tugs on my mind, inviting me to fall into yet another rabbit hole when what is really called for is courage and perserverance; peace of mind and compassion. I think our dear departed Michael said it well when he said start with the one in the mirror. When that is intact, begin to move out - chin up, head high, just looking next for what needs to be done. AA calls it "doing the next right thing." I like that.

As loss began to permeate the very air I breathe, I began to feel other tugs at night, other callings. I heard her moan and followed into deep mysteries, transfixed; stunned even. What have we been doing? To ourselves? To our clan? To her? When are we going to stop it?

Even if the destruction stopped right now today, even if wealth were distributed equitably and we stopped raping and pillaging the earth today, would it be enough? I swear. I wonder. Too many people. Too much damage. Not enough caring.

And yet each day I personally feel stronger, more centered, more sober, more playful, more alive and more healthy as I begin to see what really is instead of what I wish were. I still hold the vision of a highest good for all, but I work with what's in front of me. Alcohol makes that impossible. Society needs the addict/alcoholic to be distracted and unaware and without thought except for where the next fix comes from. Because when they start waking up, they can see how things are and they won't settle for it. I won't. Will you?

Practicality is not Apocalyptic

2010-03-05T10:10:00.000-08:00

Okay. So I knew Brent's house would be a challenge to clean and organize. I ask you - how can 5,000 tacky little trinkets all have sentimental value? It's not possible. We're about figuring out what really has value and how best to maintain and enhance that value. And no, I'm not talking about trinkets.

Anyway, I've begun the permaculture campaign, and there are more obstacles to overcome than the ones in Brent's brain. We live right up against the mountain and the forest blocks most of the daylight. Sun isn't required for chickens, but they will be highly susceptible to finding themselves critter chow even with a well-built coop. In other words, Brent says no right now. I'm still shooting for the chickens, though; at least they don't require constant sun.

I've decided that the most common sense, practical piece for us right now would be a root cellar. We can dig it right into the mountain, have storage and a storm-shelter and a great place for ritual and respite. I was just asking Brent last summer to make me a hollow in the earth; a place where I could go lie and feel her heartbeat and her comfort. The campaign continues.

Brent and I are agreed about where society and even our entire civilization is headed. I asked him how he would describe collapse as we've been reading about in one sentence and he said, " Collapse of the entire system. Globally." Take just a few minutes to think about this right now. Just consider the possibility of your food sources drying up, of severely limited communication and travel, of a lack of clean water, just for starters. What about medications, first aid and self-protection - how long could you survive without these things? And if you'd rather not ponder the collapse of civilization, ponder the next earthquake, the next tornado, hurricane or flood. How could you begin to prepare better for these very real possibilities?

Now, go live your life for a week and don't think about it anymore.

For one who has

perception,

A mere sign is enough.

For one who does not heed,

a thousand explanations

are not enough.

Hajji Becktash Wali - 13th century Persian mystic

When you get past your fear, start here: google Carolyn Baker

Life on the Mountain

2010-03-02T12:58:00.000-08:00

Well, life on the mountain is good so far. I awakened at 4am Monday morning and got up to enjoy the full moon in a clear starry sky. As I was watching the moon begin her descent, I noticed a faint green streaking in the sky. At first I thought it was just funny looking clouds but I realized soon enough that it was the aurora bourealis. The flashing gave it away - tendrils of pale green etheric mist that literally flashed across the sky. It felt like a blessing. It felt like a homecoming.

Brent and I slept in the "big" house and the "little" house was therefore quite cool in the wee morning hours so I decided to get a fire in the woodstove going. I thought I knew how to build a fire. It took me an hour to get the damned thing going; every time I was sure it was lit I'd busy myself somewhere else (like outside with the moon and the aurora) and when I checked it again it would be out. It became a highly personal challenge to get that house warm before Brent got up and came down and I felt like I'd passed an initiation when it finally blazed for good.

I unfortunately had to forego the permaculture workshop. My brakes started grinding when I left Butte and I needed to get to Lakeside as quickly as possible in order to have them repaired. I'm on the lookout for another workshop here though and am doing as much reading as possible on permaculture and something I believe is becoming very important: collapse-awareness.

I was asked recently if my vision is for Brent and me to be the hub of a permaculture movement within our community and that's very close. The truth is the vision has been percolating for some time but I haven't been able to define it - I just keep working my way through each challenge that arises, attempting to put all the pieces together. The idea has always been that whatever end it came to it's my hope that it helps a lot more people than just me. That's actually beginning to look possible. At the same time, there's just no telling what it will look like.

I will, of course, be writing more. And as soon as possible, but right now I have to drive in to the Kalispell library which is a 20-mile one-way trip to use the computer. In the meantime, I'll continue to gather my thoughts, continue to research and continue to speak my truth. What else is a girl gonna do? Love a cowboy or something??

Answering Comments

2010-02-26T11:36:00.000-08:00

To Kiki, Star Rockers, AngelP, Carla & Miss R - thank you for your supportive and encouraging comments. As always, I appreciate your reading this blog and I'm grateful you're my friends.

I replied to Anonymous #1.

To Anonymous #2 whose question was: "a way of treating the addict inclusive of their place in society - rather than exclusive of it. Can you explain what you mean by that?" I'll try. I see the current paradigms of society and recovery as creating more and more "either/or", "us/them", "good/bad", and generally more separation rather than inclusion. When we argue about whether addiction is a disease or not, whether AA is the right way or not, and when we assume to dictate anyone's choices to them, it seems to me we're staying firmly in the problem. I have certainly not been immune to this nor am I now. But I am beginning to recognize it and to attempt to figure out another way. In many cities in the U.S. now they have something called "First Night" which is a sober celebration of New Year's Eve. This is including the addict in society. I'd like to see more of those kinds of events. I'd also like to see more kinds of communities where addicts could live the lifestyle that's healthy for them with the support of society rather than feeling like they're on the fringe or the outskirts or simply not wanted. I'd like to see families and friends honor the addicts decision to be sober and if they can't abstain for a day or a night maybe they should ask themselves why instead of continuing to point the finger at the person who must stay sober to be healthy. It's up to us to stay away from bars if we feel we need to, to avoid drinking events when it feels slippery and keep ourselves safe. But why is it so difficult for most moderate or recreational drinkers to not use it as a way to feel superior? And of course, not everyone does it, just the majority. At the same time, I truly believe that society is on the verge of collapse, and not just American society. Things can't continue the way they are - resources are finite and we're all just dilly-dallying along as if it's business as usual. How about recovery communities based on organic farming, stewardship of the land, sustainability and respect and dignity for all? I just think we're asking the wrong questions, focusing on the wrong things and as far as people in recovery go it's still based on the "you are different than us and you are less" premise.

As for Miss R's comment to you, I would ask you to understand that bloggers get many people called "trolls" who just surf around looking for places to cause trouble. I don't see you like that at all, but if you continue to participate and learn more about blogging and "internet communication" you'll understand. It's not personal. It's hard not to take it that way, but it's not. Miss R's concern is with me - we've been friends through blogging a long time - we look out for each other.

To Carolyn: I'm not so concerned about the year waiting period that's recommended. I don't expect it to be easy, but I do believe it's doable with a commitment on both of our parts to respect and support each other and search for understanding within the relationship. You'll just have to stay tuned to see how it works out! Good luck with your own situation!

Last but certainly not least to Mary: I have as much respect and admiration for you as a person and a sober woman as I could for anyone and I appreciate your comment and your concern. I can't say that the situation I'm in, homeless with no current income, is not making a difference in my decision and I surely can't say I'm 100% sure everything will turn out just fine. But Brent and I have talked a lot. I feel he's gained understanding in what I'm dealing with, how difficult the next few months and even years could be and the efforts I will be putting forth towards remaining sober. We love each other and we don't expect perfection, or even two "whole" people which I personally think is a bunch of crap laid on us by well-meaning psychotherapists. We have a common vision of working the earth, being self-sustaining and moving firmly into solutions. If we're whistling in the dark, we at least enjoy each other in the process.

To all readers: I see permaculture, it's ethics and principles, as one big piece of the solution to the puzzle for the challenges we as a global society face, the challenges our beloved home, planet and mother face, and even to the challenges addicts face in trying to forge a life free of drinking and drugs. I hope you'll keep joining me in this discussion and let me know your thoughts. I appreciate them all.

It's called Permaculture

2010-02-23T17:04:00.000-08:00

It always surprises me, as much reading and exploring as I do, when I come upon something that truly resonates with me on many levels. As I mentioned in my last post, my thoughts have followed a pattern of wanting to find a way of treating the addict inclusive of their place in society - rather than exclusive of it. That seems to be one of my problems with AA and related programs; I see them as separating rather than integrating the addict. A lot of people are able to use these programs to re-enter their lives fully and stay on a recovery path, but just as many use the programs as another way to avoid responsibility, practice delusional thinking and stay firmly within the addiction whether they're using or not. The anonymity factor, which I believe is actually a very good spiritual principle, does nothing to mitigate the shame factor and self-rejection that so many addicts suffer from. And it's convenient for society to separate themselves further from the problem as well. It looks to me like another cog in the addictive wheel like the war on drugs and the "just say no" campaigns. If we could just say no we wouldn't be addicted. Hello.

I first heard about permaculture through Starhawk's writings, but I thought it was mainly a gardening technique when it's actually much more than that. It's a philosophy, a way of life, a holistic model for individuals and society and more than anything I've read about, it seems to hold a lot of answers for the problems that face us now.

It's based on three ethics and 12 principles. They are:

Ethic #1 Care for the earth
Ethic #2 Care for people
Ethic #3 Fair Share

Principle # 1 Observe and interact
Principle # 2 Catch and store energy
Principle # 3 Obtain a yield
Principle # 4 Apply self-regulation and feedback
Principle # 5 Use and value renewable resources and services
Principle # 6 Produce no waste
Principle # 7 Design from patterns to details
Principle # 8 Integrate rather than segregate
Principle # 9 Use small and slow solutions
Principle #10 Use and value diversity
Principle #11 Use edges and value the marginal
Principle #12 Creatively use and respond to change

I'm just getting my thoughts together about how this can relate to recovery from addiction, but some are pretty obvious. Observe and interact, apply self-regulation and accept feedback, integrate rather than segregate, creatively use and respond to change- these are the obvious ones. And of course, permaculture is a community-based philosophy and you know how much I love that.

So that's the big solution I'm seeing right now. In the meantime, I continue to observe myself, apply self-regulation and accept feedback and don't drink one day at a time. And in the long-term I envision building a life worth living where all people are treated with dignity and respect and are valued for their contribution to the whole. I can only start with me but I'm interested in what my brilliant blogger friends think about this.

I'm working on a laptop and can't figure out how to get my links in, but I'll link to Starhawk and some of the permaculture sites soon. I'm going to a permaculture workshop Saturday and then on to Brent's. We made the decision. Boy am I eager to have a home again and get my kitten back! Thanks for visiting Eclectic Recovery.

Doing the Right Thing

2010-02-22T07:13:00.000-08:00

A big part of my thought process about the causes and solutions of addiction have long included the thought that individuals don't do addiction alone. I know I had plenty of help, plenty of sweeping it under the rug, plenty of handing it to me on a platter and then blaming me for eating the whole thing, plenty of not minding how fucked up I was as long as I kept doing what you wanted me to do. Plenty of people who as long as they had me to point the finger at didn't have to take a good look at themselves.

The only "publicly sanctioned" program for addiction is based on the central premise that all addicts are self-centered, egotistic maniacs who go through life with the intent purpose to get all they can, damned the people in their way and damned the consequences. It seems mighty convenient to the existing paradigm that two white, male, affluent businessmen began this program which in my opinion only further served to ostracize the addict from society, especially the female, ethnic or poverty-based addict. This program fit perfectly with the ruggedly individualistic, god of our fathers mind-set which has gotten us all right where we are today - on the verge of collapse.

Then we threw the baby out with the bathwater by creating programs based solely on addiction as a medical disease with thoroughly medical solutions when nothing could be further from the truth. This has led to much in-fighting within the addictions field with camps both professional and lay caught up around the "disease" concept. This has now become part of the problem and as long as we're focusing solely on defining the problem, we're not putting enough effort on solving it.

Addictions are flourishing as fast as the programs meant to put an end to them. I don't know, but I think we're missing something here.

I've been following what feels right to me in my efforts at sobriety for many years now. True, I have fallen flat on my face and failed miserably, many times. I would propose that that's how true change happens. I would propose that there's something to be said for refusing to go numb in order to get well. I would propose that change is dirty, messy and quite ugly and I'd rather be part of change any day than stagnantly safe.

Society is producing more and more addicts with more and more addictions the same way they helped produce this one. I believe most alcoholics/addicts are actually quite sensitive, caring and fair-minded individuals who find no home on this planet. If you're not tough and abrasive and absolutely drooling at the mouth to live out the American Dream, well, you must be sick. And so we get sick. Because we live in an isolated world where technology and consumerism replace human touch and real caring about other human beings.

I reject it. I've been looking and exploring and testing and I think I've found a big solution. A solution to so much more than addiction, but it will take care of a lot of that, too. The question is: does anyone care??

Going Political

2010-02-20T06:39:00.000-08:00

The house is starting to fill up. When I arrived the middle of January there were four women and a dozen men. Today we have 20 men, 2 families and 6 women. I consider myself very fortunate to be here, with a roof over my head and 3 hot meals a day. And just waiting to join the revolution.

Did you know? Over 50 million Americans are now living in poverty. Every day, 10,000 U.S. homes enter foreclosure and 3 million people are currently homeless with the fastest growing segment single parents with children.

In 1970, CEO's made $25 for every $1 the average worker made. From 1970 to 2000, technological advancements caused production and profit levels to explode. Where do you think that money is going? The pay ratio for CEO's rose to 90/1 in relation to the average worker. That would be you and me. And it's estimated that when you include stock options and other benefits, the accurate number is more like 500/1.

Paul Buchheit, from DePaul University, revealed, "From 1980 to 2006, the richest 1% of America tripled their after-tax percentage of our nation's total income, while the bottom 90% have seen their share drop over 20%."

It's my belief there is one good thing about the current unemployment rate. People will actually have time to stop and see what's happening in our country and they are going to become angry. As long as we're the hamsters on the wheel - working our asses off to barely keep afloat, we don't have time to stop and smell the shit, so to speak. I never thought I would get political on this blog, but it's starting to stink around here and I find myself unable to be silent any longer.

I Love These Skills!

2010-02-18T18:16:00.000-08:00

I had begun to feel distressed, depressed and generally dissatisfied in the past couple of days. Now, I suppose considering that I'm 48 and living in a transitional home and my only asset is my 1998 Toyota, you might think I have good reason to feel distressed, depressed and dissatisfied. And I guess you would be right. But, here's what I know. I know I won't work my way out of this situation if I sit and wallow in those feelings.

I had a DBT skills class tonight at the outpatient treatment facility and I realized why these feelings have been cropping up and making life not much fun. I had stopped practicing radical acceptance; I had begun to fight against the way things are, to be judgmental about my situation and basically to feel sorry for myself. So I did that for about a day and a half and then I caught it and I practiced the skill and the feelings changed.

I'm attracted to DBT for many reasons, but I think the main reason is because so many of the skills are things I had already practiced in my efforts to remain sober. I hadn't been able to form them into a coherent whole and wasn't always very consistent with them, but mindfulness was a great teacher for me in learning to observe my thought processes and realize that I'm not my mind, my mind is a tool for my self.

I think I'm finally starting to put all the pieces together here for a holistic personal recovery program. The pieces include nutrition, exercise, meditation, community support, self-awareness (which is where DBT is phenomenal) and, of course, abstinence.

Flower Essences

2010-02-15T19:41:00.000-08:00

I was rummaging through a bag of essential oils I brought with me and discovered a couple of Bach flower essences that I purchased some time ago. Dr. Edward Bach's story is pretty fascinating and you can find it here.

When I first bought the remedies, I liked the idea, but I have to admit that I was pretty skeptical about their efficacy. When I found them again I decided to give them an extended try. The suggestion is to use the remedy daily for a month or until the issue resolves.

Chestnut bud (shown at left) "helps you observe your mistakes objectively so you can learn from them and move on." The remedies are directed at specific personality characteristics or emotional states and similar to homeopathy, they work on a subtle as well as physical level. Also similar to homeopathy, there is no danger in side effects or interaction with other types of medications. The remedies are safe.

Given my history of alcoholism and the continued return to it, sometimes after years of abstinence, Chestnut Bud seemed like a good remedy for me. Many years that I drank I drank because I felt hopeless about the prognosis and the methods of recovery available. I surely wasn't objectively learning from my mistakes and moving on.

An interesting thing has happened and I wonder if it's related to my taking the remedy. I've begun to clearly see how I have projected my shadow around alcoholism onto other people - oftentimes those closest to me. I would convince people that it would be okay for me to drink again, and then I would become angry at them when it didn't work!! In some cases, I stayed angry for a long time and placed the responsiblity for my actions in someone else's hands.

Today I'm able to see this aspect of my personality without judging myself and I realize that these are amends I need to make. I've been reluctant since my AA experience to even approach any kind of amends. Mostly because I truly believe that we all do the best we can at any given time and usually we have no intention of hurting other people. For a long time I've practiced apologizing as quickly as possible when I realize I've done something wrong, but amends seemed like a bigger thing than that to me. Plus, when I was in AA, anytime I attempted amends with someone they looked at me like I was crazy. The exact nature of my wrongs went deeper than whether I stood you up for a date, got drunk and passsed out on you or threw up in your bathroom. I still don't really believe in approaching others with amends. I believe in living them. Words don't mean a thing if you don't stop doing the action - which is why for years I made sure people knew about my problem and that I had a habit of not staying sober despite my best intentions.

I'm grateful for the gift of seeing this clearly and the ability not to beat myself over the head with it. I think all that projection caused me to feel a lot of unneccesary guilt.

I also got Agrimony - "helps you communicate our true feelings rather than hide them behind a cheerful face." I'll report back on that one when I start it.

New Moon in Aquarius Intentions

2010-02-13T15:27:00.000-08:00

It's that new moon time of the month again and time to set desires/intentions for the coming moon cycle. This new moon is in the sign of Aquarius and falls in my 4th house.

The Aquarius influence in the fourth house implies a strong demand for freedom in the affairs of the home. The native has some quality that marks him/her as distinctively different from others, although this may not be immediately apparent. This is far less obvious than when Uranus is in the first house but is perhaps even more explosive and far-reaching in the fourth. The native conceives ingenious methods and techniques with which to tackle his/her objectives.

I found the above at this site and I have to say it really rings true for me. I've always been reluctant to share my living space and have found it somewhat confining when I shared it with one other person. I especially like to be able to decorate my space in a way that resonates with my soul and conveys my personality. It's hard to do that when there's another person trying to do the same thing.

Which makes it especially interesting that I find myself liking the communal living situation as well as I do. I think it's because I do have my own space, albeit rather small, which I can create as my own and retreat to while sharing the public spaces with my peers.

And of course my home life is in big question right now. Brent is ready for me to come live with him and a big huge part of me wants that to happen. Not only because I love him but because I'm so ready to be someplace for awhile, someplace where I feel rooted, someplace where I can grow food and do ritual and just be for awhile. The problem is that it's Brent's place and I can have a problem with turning over too much power in situations like that so I need to be really clear if that's what I decide to do. I need to make sure that we're agreed about the equality of the relationship, what we both want and expect from it, and most importantly, how committed he is to supporting my recovery.

So with all of that in mind, here are my desires/intentions for this new moon:

Meditate daily to get clear about what I really want for my next living arrangement.
Be patient while my ruling planet, Mars, is retrograde in Leo, in my 10th house of career,
while I'm looking for a job.
Hold weekly meetings for the women here in the home (I started this last week - it was
great!)
Remain sober and practice with my tools: chanting, creative visualization, journaling,
DBT skills, astrology, tarot, meditation and prayer.

I think that's enough for this month. I'll follow up on the full moon on February 28th which falls in the last degree of Leo conjunct my natal Uranus. Look out.

Right now I'm headed up the mountain to hopefully catch a glimpse of Venus and Jupiter.

Powerful New Moon

2010-02-12T09:23:00.001-08:00

We are about to experience a powerful new moon (that's when the moon and sun are conjunct in the sky - the sun's light is blocked and the moon becomes "invisible"). What makes it so powerful is that this new moon is also conjunct one mind-blower of a planet party at the same spot in the sky (Aquarius) with Neptune, planet of fantasy, imagination, illusion and denial right there with Chiron, planet of awareness of wounds both personal and societal. In case anyone's been noticing, our society is currently struggling through the death throes brought on by our own fantasy and delusions, fed by the corporate media conglomerate, the military-industrial complex and each and every one of us. It's getting time to wake up from our collective nightmare and start making it look more like a lovely dream.

I'm not an astrologer, nor do I wish to be, but I'm sure I read the most relevant, important astrologer working today. His name is Eric Francis and he's captain of a small team of highly intelligent and creative activists/writers/journalists/artists/astrologers/meaning-makers and I would even venture to say, spiritual pioneers. I always intuited there was something to astrology, but until my own studies coincided with Eric's writing, I couldn't quite make it all fit together in a coherent fashion. Maybe it was all that alcohol?? Go figure.

Eric's website, Planet Waves, operates on subscriptions. You will not be bombarded with any kind of advertising when you visit and the daily blog is always avaiable for free with fascinating stories, chart delineation and sometimes just good entertainment. Eric has been kind enough to extend several subscriptions to me either at a lowered rate or free of charge since I've been having job and home troubles and the only way I have to give back is to direct people to his fabulous work, which I am honored to do. I'm pretty sure someday I'll be able to pay him back, but at this moment, I don't have a clue what that will look like and it doesn't really matter.

Following are some excerpts from this week's subscriber edition which I found to be great examples of the work being done there. If you want to ride the cutting edge of a brand new business model, observe stunning photography, read excellent writing and support a growing venture on the forefront of the changes that need to be made, visit Eric and the gang. And don't forget to let him know I sent you so maybe he won't cut me off!!

Lunar events such as the New Moon tend to precipitate the energy of slower-moving patterns, and once again this lunation qualifies. The Sun and Moon are gathering for a sendoff to the conjunction. And as the Sun and Moon light up the inner sky with their mix of yang and yin energies, what do we see? With any luck, the incredible potential for choice, for movement, and in particular, to direct our awareness anywhere we want.

Yet looking around, it's clear that we're alive in a moment of extreme polarization, and for many, deep and even unspeakable personal fear. Looking at what we're up against at this time in history, I see a world society in crisis and many people struggling to adjust. Though many deny this fact, others are aware that our postindustrial, postmodern, post-rational civilization is approaching a critical turning point. This may be something in the physical environment, and it's clearly something in the psychic/psychological environment: in truth it's about where the two intersect, but we keep missing the point; we keep projecting it outside ourselves.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Then we're up against ourselves: our own need to grow, seemingly against all these odds, and with not enough time; and our resistance, and our lack of skills to adapt to an environment changing so fast it would make an astronaut nauseous. We've been subjected to numerous shutdown campaigns and often many find themselves in states of anxiety and even panic. After being deskilled, numbed out and trained to say no to sex, work in cubicles and to eat plastic food, we wonder why it's hard to get in a good mood and wage revolution. And time keeps going faster. I propose at least half a day be inserted between Monday and Tuesday to help us stay on top of things.

Finally, we're coping with having limited relationship skills, including leadership skills, in a time when we need them dearly. Some say it's men, some say it's women, bisexuals know it's both. There are a lot of people for whom this whole communication thing, relationship as awareness and growth, focus on the purpose of existence, is as ordinary as a UFO landing in their backyard. The little critter comes out chirping and, well it must be meaningful.
~~~~~~~~~~~

The fact that you would choose to improve your life, to make a difficult decision or to wake up from a long spell of personal despair can and likely will have significant influence on the human environment that surrounds you. And by the same principle, the environment with which you surround yourself has a significant influence on the ease or difficulty of your improving your own existence.

We are now experiencing the peak energy of Chiron conjunct Neptune. Chiron's primary role is to raise awareness, almost always with the intention of healing oneself. Often it is awareness alone that sets the energy of change and progress in motion. Reminded of this, we have some great motivation to pay attention, and take to heart such ideas as, "When I am healed, I am not healed alone," or, "Become the change you want to see."

As a special treat at this new moon, Jupiter and Venus will be visible in the western sky just after sunset. The diagram above is from the Sky and Telescope website.

I'll be back tomorrow with my new moon intentions for this month. Thanks for visiting. Go see Eric and the gang and happy skywatching.

The Relapse Cycle

2010-02-09T13:31:00.000-08:00

Phase 0: Core Attitudes/Beliefs

Phase I: The remission phase (life is good)

Phase II: Intense stress phase (stress is rising)

Phase III: Negative mood phase (acting out on stress)

Phase IV: Pre-relapse phase (setting up self/others)

Phase V: Destructive behavior phase (actual relapse)

Phase VI: Rewards phase (what you got from use)

Phase VII: Conscience phase (guilt)

Phase VIII: Defense Mechanisms (cover up feelings)

In treatment we were shown a video by Terrence Gorski about the relapse cycle that many people with addiction fall into. Mr. Gorski stated that mistaken beliefs about this cycle create massive discrimination against relapse-prone addicts. When he said that, a flood of tears began to fall from my eyes. I realized that someone understood what had been happening to me and I figured if someone understood then someone could help me find my way out of it.

I saw this video the last weekend I was in treatment, in other words I almost missed the damned thing after being there for six weeks.

Mr. Gorski has determined that relapse is the process of becoming dysfunctional in sobriety and using or drinking is usually the end phase of the process rather than the beginning. Mental disorders and moderate to severe Post Acute Withdrawal contribute to relapse susceptibility. Of the people who enter treatment 1/3 stay permanently sober (this is much higher than 10-15 years ago), 1/3 will have periodic relapse before attaining long-term sobriety and 1/3 will be relapse-prone, meaning they will continually be challenged by relapse potential. I am, unfortunately or not, one of the final third. It's estimated that addicts that enter treatment have an average of 60-75% moderate to severe brain dysfunction which will drastically improve with continued abstinence. When I have days like I've had yesterday and today I continually remind myself of both PAWS and the improvement with abstinence factor.

Basically what happens (and I can't tell you how many times it's happened to me) is that you're going along in phase I, things are going well, you've been feeling better physically and mentally, making all treatment activities, etc., and something throws a kink in the system. Something causes an undue amount of stress that is then denied unconsciously. The unconscious denial activates the brain dysfunction which eventually becomes external dysfunction. This has commonly been known as being on a "dry drunk", BUD (building up to drink), neurotoxicity, alcoholic fog and protacted withdrawal.

Phase II is the best point to nip the process in the bud. You'll know you're entering Phase II when appointments or meetings are missed (not consciously), defense mechanisms are activated, depression or anxiety becomes uncomfortable, a physical illness sets in or you just begin to feel not quite right in your recovery.

Phase III will be punctuated by arguments with spouse/friends/employer, sleep dysfunction, lack of ability to concentrate, hanging out in slippery places and consciously not participating in recovery activities.

In Phase IV things are getting really dangerous as preparation is made for use. This phase is highlighted by fantasy, selection of drug and place to use and dishonesty with others, ususally by omission, about plans to use.

There's a common term for Phase V in recovery circles - it's called the fuck-it switch, when we finally reach the point where use actually seems like a good idea. Oftentimes we are so dysfunctional by now that suicidal thoughts are common and life feels pretty hopeless. It's important to remember that it's not - it's a phase and when we get here it's time to reach out for that helping hand and recommit to our recovery.

House Notes

2010-02-07T14:54:00.000-08:00

Well, it was a gorgeous day today in Butte, America. Sunny and bright with light wisps of cloud, and warm at 32 degrees farenheit. After morning yoga I decided to drive 20 miles to the Fairmont Hot Springs and had a delicious soak in the springs with the Anaconda/Pintler Range as a backdrop. Can't beat it for a Sunday.

Yesterday I drove one of my housemates to do some errands around town. He's a handsome black man with 2-foot dreds and no legs. He lost them jumping a train. His wheelchair fits in the backseat of my little Toyota after the wheels come off and go in the trunk. He treated me to lunch as a thank you. I believe it's only the 2nd meal I've eaten out here, the first being the day I was released from treatment.

There are a dozen men, one family of five and five women in the house right now. Several have had health problems that caused them to lose everything and are now homeless because of it. Most of the people here have never been without a home prior to now. They are some of the strongest people I have ever met.

The cowboy is coming to visit next weekend for Valentine's Day, which is odd enough without my thinking he might be going to pop the question. Not necessarily the marriage question, which neither of us much believe in, but the time to move in question. He's closing in on being finished with the new house - the kitchen cabinets go in next week and as soon as the ground thaws the water will be connected and then everything is a go. I applied for a job in the area which would be great as that's where I'm planning to attend school. I love him a lot. I want to be with him. I wonder if I'm ready. I think I might be. But I'm not sure. Are you ever??

I'm practicing my religion more, well, religiously. Yoga is part of that as is tarot, ritual, meditation, journaling, dreamwork and earthwork. I won't name my religion but you could call me the Good Witch of the West if you wanted.

Take care, all. Much love.

Happy Horseshit, The Addictive Society and Substance

2010-02-06T06:09:00.000-08:00

I have an anonymous commentor who isn't impressed with Eclectic Recovery. I initially responded with anger and struck back because I honestly don't understand people who feel the need to strike out at others from their own hurt places. I usually turn that hostility inward. Neither way is very effective. Anonymous indicated that I am being selfish and have no interest in helping others and nothing could be further from the truth. I'm reminded of a video I saw by Father Martin in treatment in which he stated that the worst pain can come from having your intentions misinterpreted. Father Martin was right about that.

Anonymous called my last post "happy horseshit" and I won't disagree with him/her on that score. The more happy horseshit I develop in my life the more joyful and fulfilling my recovery. Anonymous also indicated that I wasn't writing anything here of substance and with that I have to take exception. Perhaps he/she doesn't understand how to find their way around a blog so here are links to some of my more informative posts on recovery from addiction: Post Acute Withdrawal, dealing with pain, practicing radical accpetance, negative emotional states. cooking in recovery, Medicine Wheel recovery, reviews on recovery books here, here and here, nutritional supplements, gratitude, and H.A.L.T. Just to name a few. Also, if you're interested, there's plenty in the blog archives (which you can reach by scrolling through the date entries in the left-hand column) about what hasn't worked. I've been honest about my failures and successes here and I've had quite a few slip-ups in my attempts at sobriety. Also in the left-hand column are links to other websites I utilize and find helpful - some directly related to recovery from addiction, some not.

I'm reading a book now, "Willpower's Not Enough" by Arnold Washton, Ph.D., and Donna Boundy, M.S.W. which is a very practical, informative and easy-to-read missive about dealing with addictions. There's a chapter titled, "The Addictive Society" and here's an excerpt:

It is now widely known that children growing up with chemically-dependent parents are at high risk for developing addictions themselves. But what we are just starting to realize is that growing up in an addictive society affects us all too - in many of the same ways.

In fact, it may be all but impossible to grow up in our present culture and not acquire at least some vulnerability to addiction. That's because the addictive personality traits (an emphasis on image, cravings for power and control, denial, dishonesty, just to name a few) are increasingly reflected in society's values and trends. And it's a self-perpetuating process. Certain trends create the conditions in which addiction thrives, and growing numbers of addictive people reinforce these trends.

Our society, in a sense, is becoming a large dysfunctional family. And just as children in dysfunctional families become prone to addiction as they try to adapt to their troubled family, so too are we becoming more addiction prone as we try to adapt to the larger dysfunctional system in which we live.

In other words, it's become the ocean we swim in. We don't even notice how bombarded we are by sick, abusive and violent messages; we don't stop long enough to hear our own heartbeat and we certainly don't listen out for anyone else's.

I have long been frustrated about how society uses addicts and alcoholics as scapegoats for their own shadow aspects. There are many shadow tendencies that are not as overt as chemical depdency but which are just as destructive for society and the individuals that make up society. For instance: sexual addiction, gambling, corporate greed, animal and earth cruelty, image glorification, misuse of food and many, many others. Anonymous' behavior is a small example of the problem: visit a blog, read one post, decide it's crap and attack the person writing it. My little blog may not be doing much to heal society's ills, or even my own, but it's a start to being the change I'd like to see in the world.

So thanks, Anonymous, for making me think, take another look at what I'm doing here and giving me something to write about today.

Request to the Universe

2010-02-04T07:58:00.000-08:00

I am so grateful for the many blessing that have been bestowed upon me. At times it seems as if I'm ungrateful, but usually I'm just confused about things and now they are becoming more clear to me. The more awake I become the more I realize how abudant the universe actually is, how there's quite enough for all of us. As Marianne Williams says,

"You are a child of god. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure about you. We were born to manifest the glory of god that is within us."

As a woman who sees herself in the divinity of the feminine, I would use goddess or at least god/goddess but I'm trying not to get caught up in semantics. It's just that the language we use is so powerful. But, I digress.

I'm going to leave blessings for her all over the town of Butte today in hopes that she hears my prayer and grants me one more blessing.

Cross Quarter Days - Imbolc

2010-02-01T19:48:00.000-08:00

This is my new year. At some point over the past few years I realized that this cross-quarter day, the mid-way point in Aquarius, feels like the new year to me. Somewhere along the way I have veered from the traditional holidays because the old ones feel right to me. I can feel the earth's belly starting to warm beneath the snow and ice; I sense the new growth that will be bursting forth in a few short months; I watch each day become a little longer, a little lighter.

The usual celebration would be to light candles, which I can't do in my current living situation, and to feast in honor or Brigid, goddess of smithcraft and poetry, keeper of the sacred fire and caller to modern women to remember their power and use it for a world sorely in need. Tonight I will write of patterns of thought and action that I am letting go, ones that haven't served me or the world for years and years. I continue to meditate on where she wants me to work, what she wants me to do and I put my requests to the stars and try to be patient.

My thoughts and dreams are of permaculture, greening, priestess pathwork, counseling, designing, sobriety and recovery, community, sustainability, writing, ritual. How they can all fit together. How will she weave this web? It will be intricate and beautiful and I will do my best. It never occurs to me that I'm in no position to dream. I'm longing for a new tribe while continuing to honor the old tribe. More connection; common growth. Patience, Angela - that is my mantra.

Happy New Year.

Concrete Suggestions

2010-01-31T18:42:00.000-08:00

This was left in the comments on my last post:

What are you doing to stay sober? Your blog heading mentions new ideas for successful recovery, but I wonder what you are doing. I can barely find my way around a computer so blogging certainly isn't an option for me. What about blogging assures recovery? I guess treatment and halfway houses can limit the access to drugs, but I spent a year in jail and got high every day so I don't think incarceration equals sobriety either. I'd like some concrete suggestions if you have them.

Addiction is such a complex illness. I wish I could offer a magic bullet - that one or two or 12 things you could do to ensure your sobriety, but I can't. I have one concrete suggestion: don't drink or use . . . no matter what. If you're attempting abstinence and you do drink or use or find that you can't not use, try again. If you fail again, try again. Remember that in between failing you are succeeding.

While you're doing that, seek out communities (there are lots of links on my blog and on the other blogs I link to) where you can get good support for your efforts. There are many and the numbers and varities of groups are growing by the day. Do what you can to improve your health by good old fashioned exercise and good nutrition, laughing, getting out in the sunshine and doing anything that you truly enjoy doing - without using or drinking. Begin to explore yourself. There's a person inside you who wants to be clean and sober. Befriend him or her. Discover what makes them happy and go for it.

Do it for yourself. You're worth it.

Wolf Moon in Leo

2010-01-29T10:07:00.000-08:00

Tonight is the both the first and the largest full moon of 2010. Called the wolf moon by Native Americans because the wolves howled their lonely song to it on cold winter nights in the Rocky Mountains. Wolves. Full moons. Rocky Mountains. It doesn't get much better than that.

I'm visiting Lakeside by way of Polson where I met up with a handsome kitty cat and got some good feline loving. I'm going to visit some friends and leave for Butte again on Sunday.

I was looking at the new moon intentions I wrote two weeks ago and the only one I didn't follow through on was blogging daily and there was nothing I could do about that. My internet connection at the 1/2-way house went down last Friday and hasn't come back yet. I'm trying to figure out a way to make sure I can always get hooked up to the net. I do so much of my life on-line now: a lot of my sobriety support, my blogging (which is also sobriety support), banking, staying in contact with family and friends. It really messes me up when I can't get on the web for long periods of time. I'm at the library in Kalispell now, but it's not the same as sitting with my own computer, a cup of coffee and my own time in which to browse, check your blogs, read Planet Waves, answer e-mail, etc.

As for my other intentions: I am still sober (approaching 90 days); I do believe; I am imagining the rest of my life; I am exploring education and career opportunities but have nothing to report yet and despite still being homeless and jobless, all in all, I'm feeling pretty good about things. Because it's not about things, is it? It's about people and friendship and love and support and faith. Hell, I'm rich.

I'd like to send out some special love to Claudia Cunningham, author; Julie Wenner, Alley Grazer; Miss R, one freakin' incredible human being, and Chani, another one of those. These women, along with my family and many, many others just make me want to be a better person. Thanks, ladies.

Our Lady

2010-01-24T10:02:00.000-08:00

Hello Blogosphere

Wireless has been down at the "shelter" all weekend so I walked in flaky, fluffy new snow to the local art/coffee shop to get connected. I have to say that Butte, America is beginning to grow on me. I watched a documentary on the copper mines and all the incredible history that has happened here and I'm seeing the place with new eyes. The "richest hill on earth" has seen its share of controversy, corporate greed (which is a Montana theme unfortunately) and violence. But what stood out to me most in the documentary was the community of miners and their families; how the people took care of each other through strikes that lasted for months going on years and how when the mines no longer provided support, the community banded together and did this: Our Lady of the Rockies. For no pay I might add. You know I love having her watching over me. I've never been all that attracted to the more christianized forms of the goddess, but I'll take what's available. I'm learning to love where I am, who I'm with, and the manifestations of the divine as they present themselves to me.

I also watched another documentary on Marija Gumbitas, an archaeologist who had the cajones and the brains to flip the archaeological world on its ear with her ideas about Old Europe and the religion they practiced. Of course, it looks like a no-brainer when you watch the documentary, but apparently the academia still doesn't accept a lot of her theories. What a brilliant woman. I think people won't accept it because they literally cannot imagine a time when there was peace, harmony and cooperation among humans. As for me, it gives me hope. If we did it once, we can do it again. And what beautiful art they did. I envision future humans millenia from now discovering Carla Sander's art and concluding that there were indeed some civilized people that lived during our era.

Did I mention I'm considering school? Addictions counseling and/or graphic design. Wish me luck on the financing.

Much, much love.

What Matters

2010-01-22T13:16:00.001-08:00

Much to my surprise, I'm enjoying the living situation I now find myself in. True, my private space consists of a 10' x 8' cubicle, but hey, who's measuring? I have plenty of private time and what seems even more important, plenty of community time if I want it. Meals are taken in a community dining room, residents share the dinner cooking, there's a recreation room with workout equipment (and my yoga mat) and usually a good movie with good company in the evenings. It makes me wonder why we all feel as if we have to live alone or with one other person if we don't end up with a traditional family unit. It makes me want to create recovery communities where people can live and contribute and be supportive of each other and their local economy, grow organic food, provide a needed service to the community (yes, I have one in mind). And have their pets, of course. I do miss that kitty of mine.

Now, if Ted Turner would just pop in and provide the capital, I'd have it made, wouldn't I?

I have a couple of jobs at the moment and they are to keep my eye and heart on what matters, which is my sobriety, and to nurture the vision that I have for myself and for how I might begin to make a difference in this crazy fucked up world. As is evident from earthquakes in Haiti to our new Senator in Massachusetts, things are getting worse. People don't know where to turn or what to do and I figure it's the whack jobs like me and you who will come in and save the day. Maybe that's why they thought I had a problem with "grandiosity" in treatment, huh? Oh well, I won't let them take my dreams.

Sweet ones to all of you.

Quote from Kahlil Gibran

2010-01-21T10:01:00.000-08:00

One may not reach the dawn save by the path of the night.

PAWS - It's not your kitty's foot

2010-01-18T07:52:00.000-08:00

Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome is the period of time after acute withdrawal from alcohol or drugs. Acute withdrawal occurs within 3-10 days while post acute withdrawal can last anywhere from 3 months to 2 years and some forms may even cause permanent, if intermittent, symptoms.

Terrence Gorski was the first to coin the term and identity the syndrome. Mr. Gorski is a pioneer in the field of addiction and especially relapse prevention. Studies now show that it takes a minimum of one year for the brain to heal from addiction and often much longer.

The symptoms of post acute withdrawal can include any or all of the following:

Inability to think clearly which includes an inability to concentrate, an inability to solve problems and rigid, repetitive thinking.

Memory problems.

Emotional overreaction or numbness.

Sleep disturbances.

Difficulty in managing stress and day-to-day life circumstances.

Depression.

Anxiety.

The major challenge for a person newly recovering is discovering how many of these symptoms will go away with continued abstinence and how many may be due to co-occurring disorders such as anxiety and depression.

The amount of stress encountered in early sobriety directly affects how severe a person’s symptoms will be. That’s why it’s so important in the first couple of years of sobriety to keep stress levels at a minimum and do everything we can to take good care of ourselves – mentally and physically. This is also why it’s advised to stay away from certain people, places and things in early recovery and why it helps so much to be around people who understand addiction and recovery from it.

When I got sober in 1988, PAWS was not known about, but I certainly suffered from it and would’ve been helped at the time by a better understanding of what was happening with me. For the first two years of my sobriety I had all of the above symptoms and most of the time felt like I was going nuts. At two years, I finally sought help for what had become debilitating depression and anxiety and was placed on medication that, along with continued abstinence, brought a lot of relief.

I’ve come to believe that my history of chronic relapse has been in great part due to untreated PAWS and I’m grateful for the work that Mr. Gorski has done in this field.

Now that we know what it is, how do we deal with it? Not surprisingly, the things that help PAWS are those same good lifestyle habits that reinforce sobriety and a life worth living. They include:

Good nutrition.

Exercise.

Relaxation.

Interpersonal coping skills.

Talking it out – therapy or group support.

Writing it out – journaling.

If the symptoms make it extremely difficult to maintain sobriety or to maintain a normal daily life, medication may be necessary and you should, of course, consult with an addiction professional.

It’s fortunate that we now know the biological causes of post acute withdrawal and don’t have to be strapped with labels like “dry drunk”. I believe my PAWS was worsened by the guilt I felt that I wasn’t working the program properly, that my character defects were unchecked and that I didn’t have enough conscious contact with my higher power. The truth is, guilt on top of PAWS will only exacerbate the problem.

Today I know that my daily program must include good nutrition, exercise and relaxation and that I should try and keep my stress levels to a minimum. Next I’m going to write about the Relapse Cycle as Terrence Gorski describes it and talk about how I think PAWS kept me going through that damned thing over and over again.

PAWS tomorrow

2010-01-17T17:21:00.000-08:00

I'm not going to have time to write about PAWS today and give it the space it needs so I'll save it for tomorrow.

Life in the halfway house is developing a rhythm and it's a slow, soothing kind of rhythm. The weekend has been quiet with lots of time to read, journal and reflect; to study the astrology and the cards; to be with the silence.

I read "The Biology of Belief" by Bruce Lipton and while a lot of it was over my head I get the gist of it. I've read Candace Pert and Gregg Braden and they're all coming up with the same thing: science and spirit are finding their way back to each other, and we're all going to be the better for it. Kind of crazy we ever had to separate them, but that's just how the cookie crumbles as they say. Bruce coined a new term which I love: Survival of the Most Loving. That would be as opposed to survival of the fittest for which we of course have Mr. Darwin to thank. Don't you like loving much better? I do. Plus, it gives me more of a chance at said survival. I'm getting pretty good at loving.

And right now I'm sending love out to all of you. May you have a peaceful moment of contentment, a heartfelt warming of love and a most blessed day.

The Foundation

2010-01-16T16:04:00.000-08:00

While I was in treatment I had lots of time to think about the things that continually trip me up in my quest for sobriety. I targeted PAWS (Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome), depression/anxiety, lack of assertiveness and ability to effectively deal with daily problems and an ambiguousness when it comes to defining the illness. What I mean by that is that I fluctuate between thinking/believing it's a disease over which I have no control except abstinence and thinking/believing it's something that with enough personal, psychological and/or spiritual growth, I can overcome, meaning in my mind that I will be able to drink normally.

They talk about this very thing in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous when they say that the great illusion of all alcoholics is that they will someday be able to drink like normal people. Many, they say, pursue this illusion to the gates of insanity and even death.

The first time I went through treatment, in 1988, I was taught about the disease concept and it made a lot of sense to me at the time. I held on to that belief during all the six years I was sober, but after I relapsed I wanted to think there was a way I could drink. I just wanted to be like other people; I just wanted to be able to take it or leave it, but I never could. And because the drug had re-entered my system, the insanity of the addiction returned. I spent many years trying to find a loophole - maybe if I do this drug and just don't drink, it'll be okay; maybe if I only drink wine with dinner it will be okay; maybe if I just ignore it it will go away or if I read just the right book or pray just the right prayer. . .

I can't do any of it because it's a disease that causes my body to react differently to alcohol and drugs than "normal" people's bodies do. It's not caused by a psychological or spiritual condition, it creates psychological and spiritual problems. I got a double whammy with having clinical depression/anxiety along with alcoholism and they will both need to be treated for me to live a whole and fulfilling life.

So the foundation of my recovery is accepting that alcoholism is a disease and that I have it. It's accepting that I can't drink or use no matter what if I want to live. It's accepting that the majority of people in the world will still think it's a character weakness and there's not a damn thing I can do about that. It's also being grateful that I've made it this far and that I still have a chance. It's being grateful that maybe my story will stop someone else from making the same horrible mistakes that I've made. It's realizing that I still have time to put this disease into remission and keep it that way.

I think it's a good foundation. Tomorrow I will write about PAWS which I believe made it very difficult for me to get out of the relapse cycle. I underestimated its power; I underestimated a lot of things about this disease.

My Treatment Experience

2010-01-15T06:39:00.000-08:00

I entered MCDC on November 22 and was released on January 4th. Here's how the end of 2009 played out for me: Friday the 13th birthday in detox; Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's in treatment. I cannot for the life of me summon up any sadness for these events. I was right where I was supposed to be, doing right what I was supposed to be doing. Of course, all the love that came my way didn't hurt a bit.

I would like to say that treatment was a totally positive experience, but I'm a little too honest for that. MCDC is a state-run facility and they're understaffed, underbudgeted and the overriding energy of the place is absolute chaos. Don't even ask me about the food; I was sure I was being poisoned at first. 3,000 calories a day and probably 80% of it carbohydrates. Don't even ask me about my weight upon release. My only other long-term treatment, in 1988, was a country club compared to MCDC.

Offsetting the general disorganization of the place was a group of counselors that are obviously committed to their jobs and have great passion for helping people find recovery.

I didn't sleep much at all for the first 12 nights I was in treatment. 2-3 hours a night was the max and I would awake in a complete state of panic, which I had actually been doing for a few months before going in. It's completely unnatural and very disconcerting to go from 0-100 in seconds and by the 13th day I really felt I was losing my mind. I had been hoping that my sleep would even out on its own, but it never did. I was finally, at threat of leaving, put on a medication that helps me sleep. Since I was informed that MCDC was a facility specializing in treating co-occurring disorders (that is mental health + addiction) I was somewhat disappointed that I had to go through such a horrible experience before receiving the help I so desperately needed. I went in knowing what my problems and issues were. I had been working in outpatient treatment for months trying to get them under control and yet I was treated just like a drug-seeking addict out only for the next good fix. I began to wonder if they knew anything at all about me, if they had even read my file or spoken with my addictions counselor in Polson. I still wonder it. Like I said, they're understaffed.

Once I began to sleep I was able to focus more on my treatment and one of the things I needed to work on most of all was my passivity. My passive behavior has gotten me into more trouble in the past few years than anything ever in my life. That, hand in hand with alcohol, led me to be jobless, homeless and at times in complete and utter despair. I was discouraged with the lack of counseling I was receiving, the lack of mental health assistance and the overall chaotic nature of the facility and its administrators. I also saw very clearly how some of the most manipulative patients were able to work the system to their favor and I don't mind telling you, it pissed me off. So I began to verbalize my complaints beginning with the fact that I didn't receive my first treatment plan for 2 1/2 weeks and had no scheduled appointments with counselors after the first week.

This action got me exactly nowhere except to almost leave without completing the program which would've jeopardized my chance to come to Homeward Bound, the halfway house for the homeless I'll be occupying for at least the next three months. But I didn't give in, break down or back down. I stood my ground, stayed firmly in my own truth and even though I had to stay a couple of extra days, I left with my certificate and I'm thinking a brand new backbone, which has been growing since the whole Sunrise Vista Inn incident last summer.

I went for an appointment at the Butte Chemical Dependency Center this morning, supposedly scheduled by MCDC before I left, and they had never heard of me. Like I said, they're underbudgeted.

I'm choosing my battles carefully these days and although I considered letters and grievances regarding MCDC, I've decided to let it go. I got what I needed there which was 43 days clean and sober and an opportunity to advocate for myself and the connection with Homeward Bound. It does concern me for other patients who may not be as assertive or determined as I was, but the fact is MCDC is one of the few treatment centers left in the country where you can get good long-term treatment for chemical dependency at little or no cost if need be. Most of us are being shuffled through short-term detox and right back onto the street as was even George McGovern's daughter, Terry, who subsequently died from her alcoholism. But that's another story for another day.

Tomorrow I will write about the foundation for my sobriety. And no, it's not powerlessness; at least not directly.

New Moon in Capricorn

2010-01-14T19:02:00.000-08:00

Tonight's new moon is a powerful one, coinciding with a solar eclipse. Because it conjuncts my natal moon in Capricorn, it creates a doorway, a portal of sorts, an opportunity for a deep emotional transformation. The moon is our emotional life and with mine conjunct Saturn and in Capricorn I came in with my share of emotional seriousness. This new moon/eclipse is offering me a chance to move beyond the weight of my early emotional life, to integrate the lessons I've been working on for awhile and to take what I've learned to a new level of awareness. I love it when the planets step in to help and when I'm present through my recovery to work with them. Here are my intentions/wishes for this new moon:

1. Remain sober.

2. Start imagining the rest of my life.

3. Explore education/career opportunities.

4. Blog daily.

5. Believe.

In two weeks, at the full moon, we'll see where I am with imagining a brand new life, what I'm doing to make it happen and how I'm faring in my sobriety. In the meantime, I'd like to hear some of your intentions/wishes.

Butte, America

2010-01-11T04:27:00.000-08:00

For someone who is going to live in a halfway house for the homeless I sure am excited. It's an odd thing to feel free of so much of that old energy that was keeping me down. While in treatment I was given a clear picture of how alcohol and drugs ensure that I will stay mired in old patterns that don't serve me or anyone. I won't entertain regret, but will keep company with the intense gratitude I feel for the love I have in my life, for 60 days of continuous sobriety and the inner knowing that I will take care of myself.

While in treatment I was asked what I would most like my family and those friends who have stuck by me through thick and thin to know about my alcohol and drug use. What I would like them to know is that it's not me. It's a disease, weakness, illness, malady, whatever you want to call it, over which I am powerless. However, I do have power over my recovery. I have the power to continue to seek those who understand and can help. I have the power to set an intention for myself and follow through on it. I have the power to let go of anything and everything that doesn't support my sobriety and to reach for those hands that do.

I am sorry I made such a big freakin' mess in the process. But, you know, life is messy and I truly believe we're all just doing the best we can until we can do better. I understand my job: Don't drink, seek support and give back; allow the universe to unfold through the awareness that keeps all of us breathing and the awareness that accompanies us when we're done breathing. Live in gratitude. Express love. Let go of judgement of yourself or anyone else. Forgive.

Look out Butte, America. Angela is on her way.

Where is Home?

2010-01-07T06:35:00.000-08:00

I completed 43 days of treatment and I am sober. They don't play around at MCDC and it was a difficult experience, one I'm still processing. Many times I disagreed with their tactics and I almost left twice feeling that I wasn't getting the treatment I needed. But it is slowly dawning on me that in that very short period of time I became a much stronger person. I found my center and they helped me find it. Special thanks to my team: Peggy, Richard, Sharon and Vicky. These people are making a difference in the world in a field that is fraught with failure, disappointment and heartache. And they keep doing it, day after day. They continue to learn about the disease, to try new things to help those of us who have it and to love each and every one of their patients. It's a tough love sometimes; it's a good love all the time.

The love and support I received from my blogging community was incredible. Many of you wrote and sent beautiful packages that encouraged me to continue when I felt like quitting. It was pure magic to receive these gifts of the heart. The only way I can thank any of you enough is to stay sober and begin to make my own difference in the world, in honor of each and every one of you: my friends.

I've decided to return to Butte to a halfway house. I will stay there at least three months. It's bittersweet - leaving this little town I've called home for 7 years. I love this place. I believe the lake and the mountains kept me alive, not to mention the incredible friends and teachers I've had here: Claudia, Julie, Roberta, Ben, Marsha, Teresa, Heather. People who kept believing in me despite evidence that maybe I wasn't going to make it after all.

Of course, my family has been with me through this whole painful and rocky trip. No kidding. I have the best family in the entire world.

I'm pretty sure I won't stay in Butte any longer than I have to in order to re-structure my life and financial situation - 6-9 months I figure. I don't know where I'll land. Where will home be? Will I come back to Polson? Opt for Missoula? Will I be called back to Georgia for a time? It doesn't distress me at all. Because I finally know where home is. It's in my heart and it goes with me everywhere.

Magic

2009-11-21T11:15:00.000-08:00

This is my treatment altar. Every piece on this altar has deeply personal meaning, from the

three sisters figure to the driftwood that represents my Uncle Ronald, who died 10 years ago this Thanksgiving. Ronald dealt with a lot of the same things I do, but he couldn't see a way out.

My great-grandmother's linen hankie and pieces from my folks and sisters complete the offering to the ancestors, both living and dead.

My homies from Georgia are represented: Celeste, Wendy, Joni, Melinda and Steve. Pam House.

The people I know from Montana, friends both past and present are represented. Claudia, Julie, Jan, Ben, Shawn, Marsha, Barbara, Bill, Robert, Roberta, Lynn, Bob Mc., Phyllis, Judith, Karen, Bobbi, Peggy, Tracy, Brent.

My power animal - a giant midnight panther with vivid green eyes is represented. He comes to me in the night and assures me that all is well; all is as it should be; all is actually quite perfect.

My very best blogging friends are represented: Olivia, Chani, Mary Louise, VR, Anybeth, Julie, Gabriella, Dorothy, AngelP. (See side bar for links)

My LSR friends.

I could write an entire very long post (and I tried to) about the astrology we're experiencing. Strong personally for me. Strong collectively for us as a society. But, nobody does it like Eric Frances and his excellent team at Planet Waves so if you're interested, visit him there.

My tarot cards have been freaky in their accuracy. I read several people's cards in detox and they were all pretty surprised with how well they fit their circumstances. I just do either a five card spread on a situation or a 3 Major, 5 Minor spread. I find it much more effective than some of the longer spreads.

I'm leaving for the Montana Chemical Dependency Center in Butte, MT, USA at 9 am sharp. The rest of the evening for me is about self-care, ritual, prayer and connection. Packing, cleaning and last-minute phone calls. I feel pretty overwhelmed but I know I'm going to a good place and I believe they can help me get over the experiences of the past few year and provide a good foundation for the sobriety to follow. I know without a doubt this is what I need to do and I'm ready and I'm taking lots of love and support with me. Good ancestry. Good friends.

The address where I will be is: MCDC, 2500 Continental Drive, Butte, MT 59701 Attn: Angela Nolan. I would appreciate any communication by mail, especially as I am going to be there through the holidays.

I love you all.

Magic - More Altar Pics

2009-11-21T11:05:00.003-08:00

Marty is fine

2009-11-20T11:20:00.000-08:00

Marty is fine. I'm leaving for in-patient treatment on Sunday and am working on an extra special post that I'll get up before I leave. Thanks for all your prayers, love and support.

The Divided Life

2009-11-18T19:31:00.000-08:00

My experience in detox was in a facility in Kalispell called Pathways. I went there 3 years ago and got off ativan and managed to stay sober four months. The facility and the staff are top-notch. I've never been treated so well anywhere and it feels good to be treated well when you're being treated for alcoholism. The staff is not only non-judgmental, they're actually kind and genuinely concerned and helpful. As alcoholics/ addicts we're used to being judged harshly and treated poorly in the places that are "supposed" to help. But Pathways gets it right.

When I went to treatment in 1988 for 28 days, it was also at a top-notch treatment facility and it was the education and the boost I needed to get clean and sober then. But what makes treatment a magical experience is the other patients. I stayed in touch with several people I met in treatment in 1988 for many years and though I've now lost touch with them, I think of them often. Especially Duane Pennington.

There was a core group of us in Pathways that really connected and bonded. I've already spoken with three of them. One of them has psychotic depression, alcoholism and god knows what else and he's charming and handsome and was probably brilliant before alcohol ate most of his brain. His name is Marty and he and Mary and Sarah and Kim and Polly and Isaac and Tom and I made each other laugh. We made each other believe we could stay sober. We cried for each other's losses, encouraged each other to not give up and it felt like we'd known each other for years. Marty made the mask in the picture and gave it to me when he left yesterday. I knew he wasn't ready to leave.

He called me tonight to say good-bye. He says he's done - he can't do it - can't go on. He's made serious suicide attempts before. He lives too far for me to drive there and I'm not sure I would anyway. I hope he was bluffing, but I kinda doubt it especially considering the scar from one side of his neck to the other where he cut his throat before. I'm putting this post up as my prayer that the sheriff gets there in time. I only knew the guy for 7 days but I fell in love with him of course. I fell in love with all of us with all of our problems and addictions and depression and loss. I'm always brought to my knees by what some people can live through, humbled at the power of the human spirit to be restored. I don't want Marty to die and I am utterly powerless to do anything but sit and wait for a phone call. And pray. Pray for all of us. Hold the vision of well-being that is our birthright as spirit manifesting in physical form and hold compassion for how far most of us are off the mark. If he's not dead by morning, I will not give up on Marty.

Detox Over

2009-11-17T16:58:00.000-08:00

Well, I stayed a little longer than planned for detox but am home and should be hearing when I can be admitted to the long-term (30-45 days) in-patient treatment. I want to thank everyone who has left comments and I want you to know that I've felt your love and prayers. Alcoholism has once again made a big mess of my life, but I am 100% committed to my recovery first and foremost above anything, everything, anyone and everyone. If I don't have my recovery, I don't have anything. I will write again before I leave and again, thank you so much for your encouragement.

Will Be Away

2009-11-10T08:32:00.000-08:00

I will be away for a few days. I'm going to get detoxed and I'll just have to face everything when I return. I'll resume my treatment activities until they can get me a bed at in-patient. I will be back.

What Happens to Me

2009-11-10T03:54:00.000-08:00

It's going to be two weeks before I can get into treatment. I'm not drinking now.

The last few times I've begun drinking after a period of sobriety - four months in April when the tension with the owners of the Inn got to be too much, two months the last two times, it's like I'm actually leave my body. I'm observing myself get the alcohol but I don't feel like I have any control over whether I do it or not. The only place I felt really safe was at Claudia & Bob's house and I suppose I should've stayed there but I needed to check on Attaboy and they've already been way too kind to me by opening their home when I needed a place to stay.

So my hope is that in an in-patient treatment facility they can begin to help me with the mental health issues that accompany my alcoholism. The medication I'm taking for depression helps a lot but my anxiety is hard to control and I literally get into this frozen place - body frozen, mind frozen, spirit frozen. I have severe insomnia and sometimes go a week or more without sleeping well. It's my belief that my inability to effectively deal with the depression/anxiety is what causes me to drink again. It's so hurtful when someone thinks I'm just making all this up or that it's not that bad or that I should just get over it. But I guess that's what the majority of people do think which is why having a recovery community is so important. In a recovery community they understand the powerlessness over alcohol; they understand the deadliness of it; and they understand that there is a real person in there and they're suffering, a lot. Especially if they want to quit drinking, which I do. They understand that we don't want to start drinking and smash our own lives and everyone eise's that we're close to. They understand how difficult it is to gain a foothold on life and sustain it. They will never say it's okay to have a drink and I've had several people very close to me in my life who have said that to me over and over again. "It's okay if you need to take a drink, Angela. We all need some relief sometimes. " Yeah, some relief. These people can be dangerous for us if we take them seriously which I've decided to stop doing.

I see so many women with these same issues. Mosf of them are highly creative, caring, sensitive women and they're usually holding someone else afloat, either financially or emotionally, but they have a helluva time solving their drinking problem. And they're so easy to blame.

Welcome to Hell

2009-11-08T21:18:00.000-08:00

I'm very appreciative of the comments left on my last post. I'm into the sick phase now. In the sick phase you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. My red-haired angel has gone home and it's just me and Attaboy and the incessant ringing in my ears. Freida doesn't even want to talk to me anymore. Maybe these are just the ramblings of a woman gone mad - if so, I hope it's entertaining for you.

Since I'm rambling and since this is my blog I'm going to say a few things out loud that no polite southern woman would ever say. The first thing I want to say is that I didn't get here alone; I had plenty of help and until we as a society wake up to the reality of how we treat people we're not going to get very far. The second thing I want to say is that I'm sick and damned tired of being a scapegoat for those who can't see their own darkness. The third thing I want to say is that the best people I know in the entire world are sober alcoholics - whether they're sober through AA or LSR or WFS or just their own will and determination. I would be honored to be counted among their number.

Alcoholism is hell. Throw in some mental health issues and what you end up with is a hard case to solve, but hopefully not impossible. I'm trying to get into a long-term in-patient treatment program. My last long-term treatment kicked off six years of sobriety for me, but I was young then - the world seemed different.

I want to apologize to my family for upsetting them with my blog posts. But this feels like my job and I'm just reporting what's happening as truthfully as I can. If all it does is scare one person into sobriety, well, that is enough.

Nothing

2009-11-08T04:45:00.000-08:00

Nothing is keeping me sober today. I'm trying to get to an in-patient treatment run by the state. I keep hearing Ben say "you're hopeless" and I'm pretty sure he's right. But here's the thing: by some strange twist of fate I am still alive and as long as I am I will not give up. I made it 6 days without drinking and I thought this was the time. I really do wish I had the gumption to kill myself but my dear Uncle Ronald won't let me. And besides who would take care of Attaboy?

Roberta wants me out and Brent is not speaking to me. My very good friend, Claudia, has given all she can and I feel like my only friend left is Jackie who was kind enough to visit with me yesterday. Jackie is atheist or maybe just agnostic which is actually a very worse state; one I've been living in for years. At least when you're atheist you know what you believe.

My lips are chapped; I'm totally dehydrated and the diarrehea is coming on - oh, the joys of alcoholism. The ringing in my ears is driving me crazy. I'm pretty sure I won't be around much longer and at this point it would be a blessing. Grace I think they call it. And here I sit for all the world to see, just hoping my own sordid tale will get through to someone who still has time to keep it from happening to them.

Teachability

2009-11-06T05:12:00.000-08:00

Teachability is keeping me sober today. Tracy Chapman has a song I used to listen to back in the days when a pint of vodka per night was the norm. Part of the lyrics are, "I've done so many things wrong I don't know if I can do right." That was then. This is now.

Having alcoholism has nothing to do with moral ability. In my case it was activated by the poor coping skills of an 11-year old girl and her very young and inexperienced mother. If it hadn't been that it probably would've been activated by something else but no matter. That 11-year old girl is being given a golden opportunity at 47 to change the pattern.

The most difficult part of this newfound clarity of mine is realizing that there are people in my life for whom my alcoholism is somewhat convenient. Also, realizing that I've gone a long way towards keeping it convenient for them and only I can make the necessary changes to stop that from happening again. We alcoholics make fabulous scapegoats and the longer we fail to solve our drinking dilemma the more vulnerable we become. I, for one, am sick and tired of letting it happen over and over and over again.

Solving my alcoholism is about taking my own power back but I'm no more capable of doing that now than when I was an adolescent. I don't have that kind of power on my own. Luckily, I'm not on my own with it anymore. I have access to another power and right now it's speaking , among others, through Eric Frances over at PlanetWaves:

You have the moxie, the charm, the style, energy and most of all, the personal integrity required to succeed in the way that you want to. In fact, you can forget about everthing on that list except for the last item. Success does not usually happen fast, and we have good reason to question the kind that does. What I am telling you is that you have solid reasons to have faith in yourself. So what if various elements of your romantic (and professional) life make about as much sense as two jigsaw puzzles mixed together. Who cares if there are those nights you feel like you're holed up in a raft on the ocean of your own existence. You actually know who you are. You actually believe in yourself.

He's right. I do. That tastes a lot like freedom to me.

Clarity

2009-11-04T07:39:00.000-08:00

Clarity is helping me stay sober today. Clarity about who I am. Clarity about what I need to do. Clarity about the reality of alcoholism; clarity about the reality of recovery; clarity about placing anyone else's needs before the needs of my recovery. Along with clarity comes a whole boatload of hope to go along with it. Because I'm seeing things as they are - not as I wish they were. This is hard-won clarity. I have earned it and I intend to nurture it, water it, feed it and watch it grow.

Clarity about my own character and my own intentions regardless of what anyone else thinks or says. Clarity about that sick feeling I get in my stomach when someone is wanting to keep me in the dark about things. Clarity about how useful I am as an active alcoholic and who I'm useful to, and who I want to be useful to.

Clarity. It's a very good thing.

Building a Life Worth Living

2009-11-03T06:26:00.000-08:00

If AA doesn't work for you and if long-term abstinence is elusive, I'd like to introduce you to some processes and ideas that can help. Welcome to Eclectic Recovery, where recovery programs are self-designed, tailored to the individual and most importantly, effective.

It's been over two years since I began writing here on Eclectic Recovery and I began with a couple of goals in mind. The first is selfish and remains so with no apologies: I was looking for a way to live long-term, comfortably, without alcohol. The usual method, i.e., AA, was no longer effective for me and the treatment programs weren't much better. The second reason is not and also remains not with no apologies: I thought there had to be others like me and I hoped to reach and build a community with these people; a community that would help me, and others, find a sustainable sobriety.

Here's a problem with exploring any dark, negative, life-threatening problem on the web: people can't handle their own darkness and they certainly can't handle yours. So no matter how valiant your efforts, if you slip up, people run like crazy and I'm not saying I blame them. Or maybe the blog is just not that good, although I have to tell you when I look at it as a whole, I'm pretty impressed. There's a lot of good information here, and there's a lot of crap here, but I think all in all it's balanced.

To be honest, it was touch and go for a long time as to whether I ever was going to find anything that would be effective for me - in the long-term and considering I just relapsed yet again maybe I shouldn't be as hopeful as I am. But I am. Hopeful, that is. I've been observing several types of recovery communities over the past 20-25 years and something new and beautiful is emerging. My work at the chemical dependency center, with my mental health counselor and my own continued efforts to understand and change my thinking, and thus my life, is starting to take root and I have no idea what the flower will look like, how long it will last or even if it will smell pretty. But the stirrings of new life are unmistakable. I'm learning and awakening in a way I can 100% believe in. No dogma. No rules. Everything I'm doing shares one thing in common: it starts to heal the problem. The real problem, which actually could be different for you, even if it manifests as a problem with alcohol. If it doesn't go toward healing our souls, it's outta here as a method for me. Simplifies things a lot, too.

I have looked at my goals and I still deem them worthy. As a matter of fact, I deem them worthier than ever before, and closer. I am so excited to be alive at this time and right where I am in all ways and it's a privilege and an honor to begin to accept the responsbility of co-creating a life. All I really have to do is make sure the focus stays on my own spiritual connection and behavior and respond as appropriately as possible in any given situation while working to embrace what's empowering, life-affirming, real and most of all helpful. Which is obviously not always as easy as it seems!

If any of you in AA are still reading my blog, I would ask you to give it another chance, maybe get it on your blog roll, in the hopes that it would reach another woman quietly and surely drinking herself to death. I am finding my way though the labyrinth and I want to share. After all, what we're doing here is building a life worth living. Let's get on with it, shall we?

So, every day for at least a month, and that's quite a commitment considering I was romancing taking a midnight swim in a January Flathead Lake, considering that I've moved 4 times in the past year and been through some pretty nasty stuff, both here, and in my professional life, considering I came very close to not making it and considering that I know, personally, of at least 100 women who are spinning their wheels with this thing and slowly dying. Man, that sentence got long. Anyway, considering all that, I'm going to post every day for a month about something that is really helping me stay sober today. I'm going to finally do this like I was told to do it a while ago: do it like it's your job she said. Okay. Okay.

Here are some of the methods we'll be looking at in the coming days, weeks, months and yes, years. Because if I've finally gotten one thing it's that for most of us this is a lifetime deal. Alcoholism and its denizens are chronic, progressive and if not treated, fatal. But I don't want to focus on that because I want you to be as excited as I am about moving forward with life without alcohol. So we're going to be looking at and discussing a varied and very eclectic array of ideas from vampire slaying to dialectic behavior therapy, from mindfulness and meditation to nutrition and exercise. We'll be re-exploring issues like dealing with pain in recovery, dealing with co-occurring disorders like depression and anxiety and learning how to skillfully handle our own emotions and interpersonal relationships. We'll look at possible sources of community other than AA where a person can safely begin to explore their own shadow and how that manifests in their life. We're going to look at what to do if you slip up or totally go on a bender and how most quickly to get ourselves back on our recovery program if that happens. We will look honestly at the damage caused by alcoholism, both to ourselves and the others in our lives. We will not flinch when faced with the darkness in our own soul.

I will tell you about many things that apply to me that won't apply to you. I am not recommending anything - only sharing my own journey and what I'm finding that works for me. If you have been drinking alcohol on a daily basis for quite some time you will most likely need medical assistance to detox. Please don't underestimate, as I have at times, the deadliness of this disease and the danger you and others are placed in when alcoholics drink.

We'll also be looking at some ideas, and people, who can be very dangerous for folks trying to manage their recovery.

There are a few things I promise to never do. I will never blame the alcoholic for having the disease of alcoholism and I will never turn anyone away no matter how many times they "relapse". I will not blame, scold, argue with or attempt to set anyone straight. I will not punish you nor myself any further. I want this to be the safest space possible for anyone desiring to live without alcohol. Also, while this is a blog for people who may find AA difficult or just undesirable, there will be no AA-bashing and that never was what this blog was intended to be about. And no Angela bashing, please. I'll just ignore you, and then delete you.

It's been 60 hours for me without alcohol and in one of AA's somewhat quaint terms I went on a prodigous bender. I would like to say that these are ALWAYS DANGEROUS AND DEFINITELY NOT RECOMMENDED. I try and practice some harm reduction but once I start drinking it's kind of anybody's guess where it might end up. That is scary as all hell. I hesitate to say it, but I've gotten pretty good at rapid detox and I've had some help from dear friends, but it is still horrible. We don't wake up one day and think, oh yeah, that's what I want to be: an alcoholic. Yes, that's it. A life of sobriety, relapse, denial, withdrawal, sickness, hallucinations (my Freida print was talking to me the other night), every negative emotion imaginable - rinse and repeat. No one decides to do that. And it takes a lot of grace and a lot of love to begin to recover. And it takes even more grace and even more love to keep trying over and over, to not be discouraged or disheartened or decide that it's just not worth it, which is unfortunately what a lot of us do every day.

So I hope you'll join me as we once again try to put one foot in front of the other and build a sober life worth living.

More from The Sober Kitchen

2009-10-27T05:39:00.000-07:00

Awhile back I promised recipes from the fabulous cookbook, The Sober Kitchen by Liz Scott. I've been remiss!! I think this is the first recipe I tried from the cookbook because my then-boyfriend requsted them and he had given me a Kitchen Aid mixer for Christmas. It kind of hurt my feelings that on our first Christmas together he chose a freakin' mixer for a gift, but I have to say that it is well-used and well-loved and I appreciate it a lot. I never liked gingerbread cookies all that much, but these are something different altogether: gingery hot, sweetened with molasses and sugar (I just don't think raw organic sugar used moderately is that big a problem) these cookies changed my mind about ginger cookies forever.

I love cooking and eating as spiritual practice. Sharing well-prepared, healthy food is one of the main ingredients in my recovery program. I have a couple of close friends who I cook with occasionally and there's nothing that can't be resolved with four arms and two female brains having fun in the kitchen.

My dad's heart attack and subsequent by-pass surgery changed the way my family ate. My dad spearheaded the change and while we didn't eat poorly when I was growing up, we didn't necessarily eat that healthily either. During the year following his surgery, my dad lost 65 lbs., changed his entire way of eating and lifestyle, began exercising and has managed to maintain it all for what, 15 years now, dad? 16? Anyway, it was an absolute pleasure to witness this change. Well, that is until he started wearing tight jeans and cowboy boots. Hey, what happened to my dad!

Chewy Double Ginger Molasses Cookies

3/4 cup canola oil

1 cup sugar, plus a bit more for rolling

1 large egg

1/3 cup blackstrap molasses

1 3/4 cup all purpose flour

2 teaspoons baking soda

1 teaspoon ground ginger

1 teaspoon ground cinnamon

1/2 teaspoon salt

1/2 cup finely diced crystallized ginger

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

In a large mixing bowl, beat together the oil and sugar until well combined. Add the egg and molasses and beat for another 2-3 minutes.

In a medium-size mixing bowl, combine the remaining ingredients, except for the crystallized ginger, and whisk together. Add the dry ingredients to the oil mixture a little at a time, combining well after each addition. Stir in the crystallized ginger.

Form the cookie dough into balls about the size of small whole walnuts and roll in sugar to coat evenly. Place, without flattening, on an ungreased cookie sheet and bake until the cookies have spread out and tops appear crackled (this is just gorgeous!!), 8 to 10 minutes. Remove from the oven (the cookies will still be very soft) and let stand on baking sheet for 2 minutes before transferring to a wire rack or brown paper bag to cool.

Here in the Polson village we have been sharing the best corn muffins. Carrot-ginger corn muffins, cheesy corn muffins, plain corn muffins, honey corn muffins. I know of 5 of us who have whipped up one batch, maybe two, and they've all been so very good. Plain corn muffins are especially good in venison chili, all smushed up, with some jalapenos and sour cream. Oh dear.

A Little Rumi for the Soul

2009-10-24T13:36:00.000-07:00

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I'll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase "each other"
doesn't make any sense.

Pain Syndromes - Could This Be Your Cure?

2009-10-23T07:02:00.000-07:00

In late 1993 I developed a herniated disc in my neck which caused intense pain and lack of mobility on the left side of my neck and arm. I lived near a chiropractic college at the time and had been obtaining student treatments. I saw two students and one was a serious neck cracker. It freaked me out each time and my intuition was trying to warn me, but I wouldn't listen. So, I ended up with a herniated disc and flat on my back for about six weeks.

During that time, I went to doctors, did physical therapy, traction, cortisone injections, pain medication and muscle relaxers and god only knows what else - ANYTHING ELSE to lessen the pain. I was almost convinced to have surgery when someone recommended a book that might offer some relief. I remember them distinctly saying, "I don't know if you're ready for it, but you may as well give it a try before you have surgery."

I'd like to take this opportunity once again to thank my incredible family for all they did for me during this time. I am not a happy patient.

That book was "Healing Back Pain: The Mindbody Connection" by John E. Sarno, M.D. It took me 2 1/2 days to read the book and when I was finished, I was virtually pain-free. The same information I read in that book has been expanded on in a sequel: "The Mindbody Prescription: Healing the Body, Healing the Pain" and it's working for me again.

I'm not going to describe the treatment; that's what the book is about. But if you suffer from any of the following and have not found effective treatment, what have you got to lose: back pain - lower, middle, upper; shoulder pain, neck pain, fibromyalgia; sciatica; migraine. Basically, any chronic or intermittent body pain that won't respond to conventional treatment and diminishes your quality of life. The only other thing I want to say is that the pain is very real. It is not "all in your head" and Dr. Sarno never implies that it is so don't worry that that's the jist of the book. It's not.

I'd like to call this an AUT, an Apparently Unimportant Therapy. Most people won't give it a chance because they've been convinced by the medical community that something is seriously wrong with their bodies and they need to limit or curtail normal activities. However, if you really do want to get over your pain (this does not apply to physical injuries which of course require the proper medical treatment temporarily), I suggest you give one of Dr. Sarno's books a try. And then let me and Dr. Sarno know if it helped.

One other little factoid. Those muscle relaxers? Activated my addiction again. I was drinking within three months of coming off of them after six years of continuous sobriety.

Apparently Unimportant Events

2009-10-22T07:18:00.000-07:00

In my treatment group we're learning to identify Apparently Unimportant Behaviors that might lead to a relapse. Some of the AUB's mentioned included eating unhealthy foods, noticing the liquor store each time it's passed, yelling at a spouse and excessive worry about appearance. These are all behaviors that for the individual exhibiting them may point to a downward spiral toward re-use of the drug of choice.

I came across a post from one of the very excellent bloggers I keep up with that stopped me in my tracks. I think this post describes a collective "AUE" or Apparently Unimportant Event of which we should all be aware.

Many people are experiencing intense awakening processes at this time. Many of these people, like me, do not have a foundational structure underpinning their spirituality, such as AA for alcoholics, church for Protestants and the ashram for Buddhists. I'm not saying that's a bad thing at all; as a matter of fact, I'm fine with it. Awakening is an exciting, frightening experience and attempting to engage the energy without self-destructing is a major challenge. I read a lot and I'm an eager and interested student, but I'm realizing I need to be very careful about what I choose to engage in as I work with this energy.

I'm absolutely sure none of the people who were participating in this ceremony - including the facilitator, intended for this horrible event to take place, but it did. And it probably won't be noticed much because that's what Apparently Unimportant Events do best - go undetected. Until it's too late. I myself am proceeding with much more caution and respect for the powerful forces which are at work here.

New Moon Intentions

2009-10-17T06:32:00.000-07:00

Lately I'm very overwhelmed with life but not at all the way I was overwhelmed last February, when I visited a local psychiatric ward under guise of detox. I'm overwhelmed with gratitude that the Universe spit me out of Lakeside and right back to Polson. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. And absolutely do not get out of jail free card. It's like awakening within a dream; realizing that what I've always needed was right here within me, if only I would allow it. Challenges have made me stronger and the patterns in my life are repeating much more quickly. They demand to be dealt with and dealing with them consciously is no small task!

So when I get in a hurry and want to rush out and save the world by tomorrow, my body goes "Hey!! Slow down!! Allow. Rest. Love." And my community? Oh, forgetaboutit. From Montana to Georgia and back again; I feel it from all corners.

Just to help me keep track, these are the things I'm interested in assisting to manifest:

A garden of my own and participation with a community garden with the intention to assist the earth back to health even as I continue to seek my own healing.

Roberta has some exciting ideas which may develop into a wonderful project.

Continue networking and developing relationships through writer's group, book club, Treasure State Mercantile, the Health Food Store, CD treatment and Circles of Trust (which I will write more about later) and all the places and people that haven't been discovered yet.

Continue to improve my health.

Continue to nurture my connection to Source.

And about that pain I was mentioning: much of it has simply disappeared and my next post will explain why.

Why Do We Drink?

2009-10-13T06:15:00.000-07:00

We drink because we're alcoholic is a pretty obvious answer, but does it really go far enough? I think especially for those of us who are able to put together some sober time but have a problem with intermittent relapse, it's important to figure out exactly what leads us to drink. In the past 7 years there are three main reasons I have chosen to drink: physical pain, anxiety (emotional pain), and interpersonal relationships that for whatever reason don't work (again, emotional pain). It is actually these things that I've been in denial about for so long, not my alcoholism. I'm pretty convinced on that score.

Since I've been in treatment my anxiety has all but disappeared. It's easy enough for me to see how drinking only made my anxiety worse and that when not drinking much of it goes away of its own accord. However, those other two reasons I mentioned - physical pain and interpersonal relationships, can cause the anxiety to resurface. Thanks to the excellent professional help I'm receiving, I'm able to take appropriate action on the interpersonal relationships, but the physical pain is another story.

Back in June I developed a cyst on my knee from ACL surgery a year and a half ago, and since then I've been in and out of varioius levels of physical pain. I have an old injury to the hip on the same side, a slight scoliosis in my back and have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia. I've been steadily seeking assistance with the pain, but unfortunately some things I've done (chiropractic) have actually made it worse and even created new pain.

Along with all the usual methods: heat/cold, massage, topical anesthetics and anti-inflammatory medication, I'm also using acupuncture, visualization and meditation to help me deal with it. But the truth is I'm in a lot of pain and it's beginning to wear me down. The main thing I've been trying to avoid is going into a lot of fear about the pain, about what "could" be wrong. It's a challenge and I think there are a couple of things going on. One is the injuries and age of my body and the other is, I believe, kundalini.

I'm amazingly fortunate to have a good team of helpers, from my counselors to my massage therapist and acupuncturist, both who are working with me financially, otherwise I wouldn't be able to afford the treatments. Also, Roberta has an infrared sauna that I've been making good use of. I believe what's happening is that as I continue to wake up (I'm not sure how else to put it), I'm letting go of many negative thought patterns, beliefs and behaviors and as these things leave the body they give it a kind of charge. Or maybe they get stuck for a few days before moving on out. The other night I had so much energy in my hips I paced the floor for two hours in the early dawn because they literally would not be still. I believe this is the lower chakras releasing, opening up and coming into the proper vibration.

What I'm realizing is that everything in our lives is an invitation to awaken. We can look at it in this VERY BIG WAY or we can stay stuck in the denseness of 3-D reality and become very unhappy indeed. I should know. I was stuck there for a long ass time.

Working on the mental aspects of my health is as important as working on the physical aspects and in my experience separating one from the other will only constitute partial healing. And I'll tell you, it's time-consuming and exhausting to delve deeply into spirit, but an inner life has opened to me that I had no idea existed. I feel intense deep feelings of love permeate me and everything around me and I know that this is really what heals. I finally understand what my friend, Claudia, was going on about all that time. This is what's supposed to happen by working the 12 steps and I can understand why people are so attached to it when it does. My senses seem hyper-alert and everything is so beautiful I can hardly stand it. And then it goes away for awhile and I begin to doubt it at all. And then it comes back. And when it goes away again I doubt it less.

First Snow

2009-10-09T06:37:00.001-07:00

This Unfolding

A poem by Dorothy Walters

I am thinking how it

will all go down with

you.

All the agonies, griefs,

the tears you fed

your sorrows,

the nights of love

that lasted

until morning,

the prize you almost

held in your hand

that went to someone else,

the guilt

you never told,

the moments on

the mountain tops

where the brightness

transfigured

the trees,

the cold brush

of the river

against your

body

that fall

when you took

the dare.

Everything

will accompany

where you are going,

until it dissolves

like fog

lacing

the heaving shore,

evaporates

like dew

melting

beneath

morning sun.

And you too will

turn

into whatever is

not,

a nothingness

that doesn't remember

what it was

that brought it

so much joy

so much pain.

Yet sometimes you will catch

faint glimpses

of that

which used to be

and stare

in wonder

at so much felicity

from so little,

so much suffering

from almost nothing

at all.

And you will ponder

the meaning

of this lost unfolding

even as you prepare

to descend

once more.

Dorothy Walters

Radical Acceptance

2009-10-02T05:48:00.000-07:00

I haven't written much yet about my treatment experience, the main reason being that I was afraid it might not be worth sharing, but it is. I went to this same treatment facility several years ago and had a much different experience. The counselor I was assigned subscribed to the "beat 'em down" philosophy and thought I was just acting way too big for my britches by not submitting to the 12 steps, or to his suggestions as to what I should do, or to his authority as a sober person with THE ANSWER. What no one seems to hear me say is that I did submit to the 12 steps. I did it thoroughly and honestly for six years. Certain aspects of my AA experience kept me sober for six years which is most absolutely nothing to sneeze at. And certain aspects of my AA experience worsened my mental and emotional state, even while abstaining from alcohol. As anyone in AA will tell you, alcohol is not the problem and about that I think they're absolutely right. But I think we should not forget that alcohol is a goodly portion of it.

To my extreme amazement and delight, the focus is now towards a treatment methodolgy called Dialectical Behavior Therapy. I'm still learning about it as it's being taught in the treatment center, but the most interesting thing is that they're teaching us skills I've used in the past that have helped me tremendously in my recovery efforts. Mindfulness, meditation, emotion identification and regulation, distress tolerance (which reminds me of Scott Peck's delay of gratification) and radical acceptance. While I had continued with meditation, mindfulness and other practices I found helpful, I was not practicing radical acceptance and it seems like that was a key for me.

So what is radical acceptance? It's acknowledging one's present situation without judgement or criticism of self - seeing the situation as it really is, acknowledging all the feelings around it, whether they're socially acceptable or not (they probably won't be) and just not attemtping to change anything about it. Just be with it as it is.

That's all good and fine but I'm not sure I would've been able to get there if it weren't for my counselor. For the first time in 15 years I sat across from someone whom I felt really heard what I was saying and didn't automatically assume something about me just because I was still struggling with alcoholism. I am beginning to realize that a lot of the assumptions I felt may have been in my own mind - that's called projection and it's a pretty common psychological maneuver. But she managed to validate my experience and my feelings and it seems that has opened the door to a deep healing process in my life. The mental health counselor I have been seeing since January has also been doing the same thing - nurturing those aspects in me that encourage me to boldly participate in this game of life, despite the fear, despite the anger, despite anything that might attempt to block me.

Both of these women are doing very good work here on this indian reservation in the middle of nowhere and while they've got a big pool to draw from, I don't think they see many people who are sincerely seeking big change. The addictions counselor is working with two other women in my group, both over five years' sober, who have been badly abused in one way or another. Her approach with them, and me, is the same one Marty Nicolaus describes in his book, Empowering the Sober Self: build up the sober self. Focus on the positive aspects of the personality, the desire to live a better life and the innate spiritual strengths of the individual. Be truly open-minded. DO NOT ASSUME THAT YOU KNOW HOW THIS PERSON SHOULD FIND RECOVERY. Create fertile ground for their own finding of that path no matter how twisted it may look at the time.

This is really good stuff.

Fire on the Mountain

2009-09-30T09:01:00.000-07:00

We had a little excitement at Brent's house on Blacktail Mountain over the weekend. The hillside adjacent to Blacktail, known as Baldy, caught fire. Apparently, all our fire resources are

off in California and they were slow getting it under control. It's a little freaky to look out the bedroom window and see flames and realize that yes, Virginia, it is all IMPERMANENT and hey, it could be gone by nightfall! Luckily, the wind worked in our favor, the firefighters gathered the necessary tools (namely helicopters and water), and disaster was averted. Of course Brent was out sprinkling the woods around his house and doing everything he could. Just in case. That's one thing I love about that guy so much. And if disaster ever does actually strike, I want him on my side. Like my father, he has a tremendous innate knowledge and understanding of nature and her processes and if you want to see him angry, get him started on how our "wildlife management" attempts have destroyed what was once beautiful and pristine Montana habitat. I'm continually amazed at his intelligence, energy and passion. The really great thing about him, though, is that he's at least as fucked up (sorry dad) as I am and so we tend to be tender with each other's foibles. For the most part. You know, ask me again next week.

On this end of the valley, we're harvesting town gardens in anticipation of the first freeze, due tonight. We're thinking ahead about how best to tend the earth and our fellow human beings and we're enjoying fall in Montana.

Carbon Sequestration aka Good Dirt

2009-09-23T00:11:00.001-07:00

I read something recently that seems very important and I wanted to re-print it here. It's from Delicious Living magazine which is offered free of charge at my local health food store, Mission Mountain Natural Foods. The article is entitled, In Defense of Organics, and was written by Radha Marcum. The section of the article that interested me most is about something called "carbon sequestration." Here it is:

Food miles are on everyone's minds these days. On average, food travels 1,300 to 2,000 miles from farm to plate. But choosing local alone can't solve our fossil fuel and CO2 woes, say researchers. Only 11 precent of a food's carbon footprint is tied to transport. The remainder is almost entirely associated with growing, processing and packaging the food.

Organic farming take those nonrenewable petroleum products, such as synthetic fertilizers and pesticides, out of the equation. Instead, it relies on cover crops and organic fertilizers to boost productivity, along with nonpetroleum-based pest and weed management tools. And newly published research from the Rodale Institute points to an even bigger potential environmental benefit of organic farming: carbon sequestration.

Looking at nearly three decades of research, Jeff Moyer, farm director of the Rodale Institute and chairman of the National Organic Standards Board, and other scientists, such as Cornell's David Pimentel, Ph.D, have found that healthy, microbe-rich soil bolstered by organic farming methods has the ability to remove CO2 (the most prevalent greenhouse gas) from the air - and lots of it. "By increasing and relplenishing biodiversity in the soil we can sequester carbon at a greater rate than we originally thought possible," says Moyer. An acre of organic cropland can take approximately 7,000 pounds of carbon dioxide out of the atmosphere each year. Multiply that by the 434 million acres of U.S. cropland and it's the equivalent to eliminating emissions from 217 million cars (nearly 88 percent of US cars today).

How does dirt become a carbon sequestering tool? By using cover crops, organic compost, and chemical-free pest and weed control practices, organic farming actively builds biodiversity in the soil. In fact, if you took the microscopic fungi living in a teaspoon of soil from organically managed farmland and placed them end to end, the resulting chain would stretch hundreds of yards, says Moyer, many times more than those in conventionally grown soil. The fungi and other living organisms abundant in organic soils naturally pull carbon from the air and store it in the soil, where it is retained for decades. Scientists have found that, at worst, some Midwestern soils have gone from 20 percent carbon to between 1 and 2 percent carbon in the last 60 years alone.

So you mean we have a tool to sequester carbon and improve the soil and the food we eat and bring people together to get it done? All those sweet little microscopic fungi will take care of all that carbon? Incredible. So simple. So obvious. I'm working my little patch of ground; how about you?

If you think this is important, pass it around. And don't forget to link Delicious Living and Eclectic Recovery.

Sunrise Vista Inn - The End

2009-09-22T04:21:00.000-07:00

I wrote several weeks ago about taking the owner of the Sunrise Vista Inn to court for breach of contract. What a fiasco. I was unable to take him to small claims court because the contract we signed was an employment contract and in Montana an employee can be let go for any or no reason whatsoever within the first six months of employment. Considering that my employment was only scheduled for five months, it seemed that I was without recourse.

I refused to give up, however, knowing that I had been used, taken advantage of and discarded in a way that I couldn't let pass. I figured out that the owner hired out the job that way in order to avoid paying payroll taxes and workers compensation premiums and I contacted the Montana and U.S. Departments of Labor, thinking they would have some interest in his "shrewd" business tactics. At the very least I hoped to keep the same thing from happening to someone else.

The U. S. Department of Labor convinced him to cough up some money for me, although it was only about a third of what I figured I was rightly owed. At least it was something and hopefully it got the point across that someone is paying attention and is not afraid to pursue compensation. I doubt the owner will suffer any consequences beyond cutting me that final check, but I learned something about myself which is also helping me in my struggle with alcoholism. I learned that I can stand up for myself, I can take action where I see wrong, and I can make a difference, at least in my life. A powerless person wouldn't have done that. Pursuing that action, despite much advice to let it go and move on, allowed me to find a strength I didn't know I had. By all outward appearances, he was the fine upstanding citizen and I was pretty much nothing. Outward appearances can be very deceiving. They can also be very empowering. What the owner failed to realize is that I really had nothing to lose at that point. All the things that were so important to him - his reputation in the community, his social contacts and big house, his need to be seen as the BIG MAN helping out the little guy, none of those things matter a whit to me.

About Powerlessness

2009-09-16T06:18:00.000-07:00

For a long time, I believed I was powerless over alcohol. That particular belief has contributed to my chronic relapse history and has kept me from doing what I need to do to stay sober. I suppose I can understand why adopting the belief that one is powerless over alcohol helps some people stay sober, but in my life the idea of powerlessness began to permeate all my activities. A deep and uncomfortable sense of powerlessness is one of the emotion-states that initially attracted me to alcohol and drugs. The belief in my own powerlessness didn't come overnight; I nurtured it for years with the assistance of the 12 steps and the fellowship of AA. I think the powerless idea only works really well if you've already had a sense of your own power and my only sense of power up to that point was that the only control I had was to ignore it, pray about it, or drink at it. Intellectually, I understand that by admitting powerlessness you are then supposed to be better able to tap into a higher power, but it didn't work that way for me. Because I believed wholeheartedly in m own powerlessness, the power I did have became distorted. I think I am beginning to unravel that.

Surrendering to sobriety doesn't necessarily mean surrendering to powerlessness over alcohol or people, places and things. I can see how falling into powerlessness, into victimhood, has colored my life since I adopted it and how my inability to stay sober (because I wasn't really trying - why try if you really believe you're powerless?) has fed into that mind-state.

It's been brought to my attention that it's time for me to exert all the power I can towards my recovery, and I have substantial power even before I connect with that universal source of all power.

I feel as if I'm going through a spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical detoxification process. Information is coming in at a rapid rate, connections and synchronicities are everywhere. Concepts that I've known in my head for years are now making their way to my body and it's as if the heart/mind that lives in me is coming to life. I'm aware of myself and the world around me in a way I never have been before. My body is filled with energy that it's not used to and it's having a hard time keeping up. I know that this is a time to fold in, to rest and let the new relaxation permeate every cell, to allow my spirit to continue to be rejuvenated. I have the power to do that and all I really need to do is to relax into the process. When I forget that, I return to the present moment.

So My Dad Came Out

2009-09-11T06:37:00.001-07:00

So my dad came out a couple of weeks ago and we had a great time. My dad and I, and Brent and his dad, Don, drove to Many Glacier in the Northeast corner of the U.S. side of Glacier National Park, just shy of the Canadian border. We took the kayaks, Don's motor home, lots of fishing gear, food and set up a great camp. The weather cooperated fully and we had two absolutely gorgeous days and nights. But, alas, no luck fishing.

Fishing with Brent can be an experience that you wonder how in the hell you let yourself get into. The last time I went fishing with Brent it was 20 degrees farenheit, there was a foot and a half of snow on the ground, 8 inches of it fresh and we had to chain up to get the boat to the boat dock. There was only one reason I got in that sad looking vessel they were calling a boat that day and it was that I knew I would be warmer on the boat than in the truck. In other words, I would be warmer longer before I freakin' froze to death!

It was great visiting with the dads, watching mountain goats on the gigantic piece of rock called a mountain that loomed over our camp. My dad even gave me something before he left: a cold. Thanks, dad. I've been sick for a week but am feeling better and trust he is, too.

Today is the most beautiful fall day you could ever want to see. It's going to be warm and breezy and I'm going to immerse myself fully in it. There are gardening chores to be done. There is lemon ginseng green tea with honey to be drunk.

Looking In

2009-09-09T06:19:00.001-07:00

We are reflections of the divine life force. While science may not yet be able to "prove" this fact, more and more evidence is available to the seeker that it is so. As reflections of this creative source the place to look for it, the place to be close to it, is within our own selves, the universe that is us. This requires stillness, reflection on our reflection and assistance.

I have been taught, as all of us westerners have, to look outside ourselves for this source, this authority. Once, it seemed I had found this source through AA - I remained sober, my "outer" life improved and I had the approval of all who knew me. But it was an illusion as all outside sources are illusion.

I've been through my own personal hell in the past fifteen years. When the outside source I had come to rely on failed me, I turned my back on seeking at all for some time and when I began again I was very lost. I attempted again and again to return to that outside source and when the connection was not there I turned back to alcohol for consolation. I became caught in a web of approval-seeking, guilt, confusion and making sure I did everything on the outside to look like I was changing on the inside. That particular course of action led me to a psychiatric ward last February, thinking of suicide and being dogged by anxiety and depression every waking moment.

It's a paradox that some of the outside sources we seek may actually be able to help us to the spiritual authority inside us - which is why AA works well for some, why religion can assist, and why family and commuity support is so vital. The mental health and addiction counseling is providing me that assistance now, as well as the support of my family and friends, my on-line sobriety group and all the unseen assistance I feel coming my way. But none of these are my authority, they are only helping me observe my own connection to the spiritual authority that resides within me, and within all of us.

The "anxiety and depression" I felt are being transmuted into kundalini awakening, the awakening of the divine energy that lies in the base of the spine. This energy is begging my attention, my focus and my commitment. Doctors will call it neurosis, menopause, delusion, but I'm not asking them anymore. I've begun practicing kundalini yoga to help me engage this energy. This energy is nothing less than the energy of creation. It lives in all of us and desires our engagement above all else. The body is a gateway, the senses portals, the natural world a spiritual testing ground. My use and abuse of alcohol and drugs was a misguided and unconscious attempt to engage this energy. I'm beginning to use the body, the senses and the natural world as my tools for cooperation.

I didn't know if I would be able to write clearly about this. It's a very difficult thing to put into words; it's a very difficult thing to experience - life. Just think about that word. LIFE. This is it.

Will you, like the doctors, think it's delusion, mild psychosis or plain old insanity? Honestly, I could care less. But I've decided to keep writing about it as best I can, as openly and as clearly as I can because this can be my tool of worship. And life is deserving of our praise. Now, I've got to go practice some "breath of fire."

Take care.

The 12-Step Gauntlet

2009-08-20T06:39:00.000-07:00

I'd like to share more from Martin Nicolaus' book, "Empowering Your Sober Self." http://www.amazon.com/Empowering-Your-Sober-Self-Addiction/dp/047037229X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1250777093&sr=1-1#This book is helping me articulate and understand my own experience and I believe that will help me move forward in my recovery.

The 12-Step Gauntlet of Negativew Emotions

Research shows that stress and other negative emotions are important risk factors in producing relapse in the newly sober. Negative emotional states are by far the leading cause of relapse. In this regard, the clinical wisdom of exposing people who are newly sober to the experience of the 12-step program is open to question.

The 12-step program, as others have pointed out, is a gauntlet of negative emotional encounters.

In step 1, as we have seen, there is the stress of feeling powerless.
In step 2, there is the stress of being labeled insane.
In step 3, people are asked to surrender themselves, again raising the feeling of powerlessness.
In step 4, people are told to take a "moral inventory" implying that they are morally deficient and setting the stage for feelings of guilt and shame.
In step 5, people are supposed to focus on all their "wrongs."
Step 6 centers on the person's "defects of character."
Step 7 has to do with "shortcomings."
In step 8, people are asked to look at all the harm they have caused to other people, underlining what Bad Persons they are.
In steps 9 and 10, this is repeated and deepened.
Step 11 implies that people are too clueless to figure out what to do with their life.
Step 12 calls on people to recruit other alcoholics to undergo this same series of exposures.

In my experience, the program of AA was a house of cards that toppled when my addiction became reactivated. After six years of working the 12 steps, I felt so bad about myself inside that I didn't feel I deserved sobriety, or much of anything good in my life. Intuitively, I knew that not only was it not helping me, it was making me worse. But every person I spoke with (almost), every professional, every recovering person (almost) still said AA was the way to go. And because I really do try to be a very good girl, I went back over and over for 15 years, not consciously realizing that every time I walked through the doors it reinforced the negative feelings about myself. You can't keep feeding yourself the poison and expect to get well. In my opinion that goes for alcohol and AA.

Gaining Understanding

2009-08-13T06:52:00.000-07:00

I realize I've been over some of this before, but I'm going over it again and again until I understand my own epxerience better.

I've resumed the treatment activities that I started before I moved to Lakeside and the whole job fiasco unfolded. I'm attending intensive outpatient treatment at the local chemical dependency center and so far it's been a wonderful experience. The counselor I have is not attached to the 12 steps as a recovery model and there are many people attending who have no interest in using AA. In our first session she asked me if I had been attending AA and I told her yes, intermittently, but that I didn't feel it helped and actually seemed to exacerbate my anxiety, which has been a major stumbling block in my ability to stay sober. She said, "Well then for god's sake, don't go!" The sense of relief I felt at being heard and understood was huge. The sense of relief I felt at moving forward with my recovery without AA and having the support of my addictions counselor left me sitting there in tears.

I suppose some would wonder why that's such a big deal and I'm going to explain why. I know I'm not alone. When I went through inpatient treatment in 1988, the entire professional staff, who seemed to have a good understanding of addiction as a disease and who skillfully transmitted that information to the patients also offered the 12 steps as the one and only cure for the problem. I desperately wanted to be free from my addictions and I bought into their cure fully, with my whole being. I started the steps, got a sponsor and quit using. For the first two years, I was on medication for depression and anxiety that helped tremendously and I was also in professional counseling. I did pretty well for those years. But when that ended, I was left with AA for support. And this strange thing happened to me: the more I worked the steps, the worse I felt about myself. As my sobriety continued you would have thought I would be feeling more self-esteem, more pride in my accomplishments and more connection to the world as a whole, but that's not what happened to me. I began to feel worse. AA encouraged me to get off the medication that was helping me; it encouraged me to focus entirely on my "character defects" and on correcting all the damage I had caused with my self-centered, egotistical, resentful behavior. It taught me that I was inherently flawed (sound familiar?) and that nothing on earth could save me from myself but a higher power. Because I fully believed in a higher power I began to wonder why I wasn't having the same experience most people seemed to have. And I felt worse, and worse.

Finally I drank. And then what did I have? Nothing. Because I didn't believe that I had kept my own self sober all those years, had no feelings of self-esteem or pride and believed that I was fully lost without the higher power on whom I had been depending, I drank a lot. After all, what was I? A tornado moving through the lives of those I loved most, a selfish woman-child with a head full of resentments and a heart full of guilt. I wasn't worth sobriety and I didn't believe I could do it because for six years I had been told that I couldn't do it.

It's bothersome to me that I had to have someone give me permission to not continue attending AA, that I wasn't able to use my own intuition and common sense to make that decision. But I also realize that's part of my problem, part of my addiction - a lack of trust in myself. And I also realize that I was only trying to use what was available to get well.

Martin Nicolaus, founder of Lifering Secular Recovery, has a new book out called, "Empowering Your Sober Self." Here is an excerpt with which I can fully agree:

"One of the most paralyzing notions that stands in the way of recovery is the belief that you become addicted because of defects in your character. If you believe this, you will have a hard time getting free of addictive substances because character, by definition, is unchangeable; it is who you are.

For many decades now, laboratory animals have been teaching experimenters that this belief is mistaken."

And . .

"People who use addictive substances are notoriously hard on themselves. The reason is partly that the world is hard on people whose substance use has become too obvious, and we internalize those value judgments. There are elements in the traditional recovery protocol that reinforce these negative judgments."

I''m Still Here!

2009-07-16T18:46:00.000-07:00

I'm still here on this crazy blue planet with all it's wonderful characters. I've been out of touch with blogging and am eager to get reconnected with all my blogger friends.

I'm enjoying being at Roberta's and she's had plenty of work to keep me busy. I will be having another knee surgery; hopefully right after I move into my own place at the end of the month. It's very discouraging to have to go through another surgery and recovery, but Iwill be sober and I hope my recovery will be quick.

Here are some pictures from the past few weeks:

Living Archetypes

2009-06-25T17:48:00.000-07:00

I've written a lot about my interest in astrology here at Eclectic Recovery. My slow, steady, study of astrology is how myth came alive in my imagination and myth taught me about archetypal forces much larger than myself acting in and through me. Getting past the typical western mindset about astrology was the entrance into an infinite world of possibilities; possibilities like grabbing the coattails of an archetype I'd never considered before, or deciding to manifest different attributes of the same overriding energy. The manifestation of an archetype allows an unlimited variety of choices in how to respond. The energy can always be lifted.

Alcoholic/Addict is an archetype I have manifested most of my life. Addict is a universal archetype and everyone manifests it in different areas and to different degrees. It's quite unfortunately been a life-defining archetype for me and one I sunk into for long periods of time, trying desperately to find my way out and failing in motivation and commitment to making sobriety the number one priority in my life. And now I see clearly that I can move away from this archetype with one simple rule in my life: don't drink. It is the simplest of equations, a mere non-action. I can use my common sense, intuition and imagination to feel what archetypes call to me and how to encourage those energies within. The simple pleasures I feel around the earth, cooking, writing and my spiritual practice point to the archetypes of creatress, earth helper, friend, sister, and full active being as the ones that will guide me into the next phase of life, years which have the potential to be the richest ones yet.

In the past couple of months, the overriding archetypes in my life have been sobrietist, worker, lover, victim and novice gardener (my favorite). I was also visited by an archetype: Kali, destroyer goddess. And while she wasn't exactly invited, I'm going to need her in the coming months. She tore through my body like an all-consuming fire and left me trembling in awe. I have to do something I'm not looking forward to. I'm taking the owner of the motel to court. I don't want to write much about it and have taken other posts about that experience down temporarily, but this is something I feel I need to do and I am scared to freakin' death to do it! The only comfort I get is when I let go of the outcome and continue to focus on my spiritual path. I am not only responding to an infinitely creative universe, I am participating with it, and to be honest, I don't want to let it down. So while it may seem petty to some, or un-spiritual to others, I think we just have to fight for what is right from where we find ourselves - not where we wish we were.

I've gotten much good advice and many different viewpoints and I have considered the options. And I doubt, and I doubt, and I doubt, and still I will do it. I'm compelled to do it. Not only for me, but for the next person, you know? We don't serve each other by allowing someone to take advantage. We only make it possible for them to continue to do so and it's usually those with the least resources that are hurt. I don't know about you, but I'm getting a little tired of that.

Let's keep our fingers crossed, shall we?

Rain and Mist and Magick

2009-06-22T04:59:00.000-07:00

Tiptoeing around the house since 4:30 am so as not to wake Roberta. It is rainy and windy and Montana has obviously not been informed that summer is officially here. I am mostly settled in to my new space and I have to admit that for a homeless person, I ain't doing so badly.

As lucky and wealthy as I am I see it everywhere: the injustice. The same old scenario that we humans have been acting out for centuries - I must have more than you. I will have more than you. You are less than me. It makes me weary; I romanticize alcohol because when I drink I don't have to think about it anymore. But alcohol has become too painful an escape, as painful for those who love me as it is for me. As I remain sober, I must face these injustices. I must travel through the murky water to find the sparkling pool of clarity and then the courage to act on it. I must not bury my head in the bottle, or the boyfriend, or the chocolate cake . Too easy.

For those unable to face themselves, hard times are coming. Well, actually, they're here, aren't they? And in the meantime I play catch up as fast as I can because I don't know how I know, or why I know, or why it took me so long to know - but I know I have a role to play and more than anything in the world I want to play it consciously. I follow the good energy and I know it won't lead me astray.

I have an appointment for a 2nd opinion on my knee this morning and I look forward to the drive along the west shore of Flathead Lake in the rain and mist and magick. Have you taken time to look at the earth lately? To feel her trees and splash in her water and thank her for the life she provides for us? I believe she's had quite enough of our torture. Be sure and show her some real love today.

From Emmanuel's Book

2009-06-18T06:42:00.000-07:00

Trust life, my friends.

However far afield

life seems to take you,

this trip is necessary.

Summer Solstice

2009-06-16T22:47:00.000-07:00

The summer solstice is this weekend and it's also my father's birthday. Happy Birthday, Dad!

My medicine wheel journey will move to a new direction, south, on the solstice. I made some notes a while back about what I thought I would focus on during the south time, but damned if I know where they are or even what they were! It doesn't matter. I'm not running this show anyway. I'll spend some time in p & m (prayer and meditation) this week and it will come to me. I absolutely love following the seasons with my recovery.

A friend of mine is having a "burning" ceremony on Saturday and I can't think of a better way to celebrate being back in Polson and letting go of all the negativity I've endured in the past weeks. We have such a beautiful community there and I return with fresh eyes, grateful for all that it offers. And longing for a bit of peace - a respite, a healing space, love, nurturance. It's all there. It's all within me. It's all within you.

Your world is a place of the bending of the Light. But the light must be there or you have no world at all. ~ from Emmanuel's Book

Clarification and Knee Magic

2009-06-13T05:57:00.000-07:00

Thanks to everyone who's left responses to my last post. Especially you, Miss Olivia. Who says O stands for Oprah??

I'm afraid I allowed my love of drama in writing to influence the language of my last post. I wrote: I am homeless. I am virtually broke and I have no health insurance. Well, I'm not really homeless. The other part? The broke and no health insurance part? That's true, but so are a lot of other people and at this time, in our country, starting at $0 may not be such a bad place. I would be homeless if it weren't for my family and friends in Georgia and my community in Polson. You can't buy that with all the $$ in the world.

In the meantime, I've got some standing up to do. Finally. Some standing up for myelf, declaring my place in this crazy world and then letting it all go. Do ya'll get that's how it works? You have to be willing to let it all go. Good thing I've got lots of practice!!

I hasn't escaped my notice that in my recovery each time I come back to my intention for the first direction of the medicine wheel, the East, which is self-care, the universe moves into motion for me. I committed to not drinking and to focusing on my physical health and my physical health, with my knee, is playing a huge part in this hilarious samsara. Source - he/she/it really does have a sense of humor.

Goddess Rock

2009-06-12T05:22:00.000-07:00

I found this rock on the shores of Flathead Lake one afternoon on a much needed break from the Sunrise Vista Inn. Now, I don't know if you believe in signs, portents or messages from some other beyond. I don't know if I do either. But in my heart, I'm beginning to wonder. At the very least I have decided to heed the messages regardless where they may or may not come from. They seem to have my best interests as a top priority; something that has eluded my own sincere efforts for quite some time now.

Clear sight can come as a great shock. I have been shown so much in the past few weeks that I can hardly keep up. I found myself embroiled in a situation over which the more control I exerted the worse it seemed to become. God. It was all so confusing and twisted and muddy. Much of it still is and I'm sure only our dear friend time can begin to unravel the mysteries inherent in our human nature and the behavior it produces.

A few things, however, have become perfectly clear. Those are the ones I'm heeding. And I breathe. Deeply. A lot. The owners of the Sunrise Vista Inn cancelled our contract on Monday morning. I did not see that coming until the very last minute. Their words are ones of regret and sympathy and I think they want to be well-meaning, but their actions speak otherwise. I am moving, again, by the 18th of June. This will be my third move in a year.

About the time I found that beautiful goddess rock, a little lump began to form just above one of the scars left from last year's knee surgery. It continued to grow and became pretty painful. I went to the doctor on Monday and they recommend another surgery to figure out exactly what's going on. I did not see that coming until the very last minute. I am homeless. I am virtually broke and I have no health insurance. Those are just the facts, ma'am.

I held it together in the doctor's office, determined to put on a strong and courageous face. When I got to my car I let the tears come, panic rolling over me in wave after wave. Then, a few minutes of calm. Then more panic. I got on the phone. Have you ever heard the term drink and dial? It's a term for those of us who would occassionally (yes, that is meant sarcastically) have too much to drink and decide we needed to call anyone and everyone who might talk with us no matter the time of day or night or what in the world might be going on in their lives at the time!That's what you have to do to stay sober, too. Only leave off the drink part.

Even in the midst of the panic I felt, I knew that forces were in motion that were guiding me, protecting me and loving me and gently leading me forward. I observed myself attempting to go into self-pity and guilt and blame, but those things just don't feel that comfortable anymore. I realized that I am actually very simple. I want to be in a community where I feel nurtured and needed; I want to tend to the earth in whatever small way I can; I want to write my heart and my experience. I want to begin to fully participate in all the kindnesses that come my way and there are many.

Here are some random pictures from this little short-lived adventure which I will leave with clear sight and grounded emotions:

Just the Facts, Ma'am.

2009-06-10T12:08:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I will have four months without alcohol. The job at the Sunrise Vista Inn is over and I am beginning packing to move. I am going to have to have a re-do on my knee surgery of last year. I am breathing. I am breathing. I am breathing. In and out. In. And. Out.

Universe, I am wide awake and at your service.

Earth Religion

2009-06-05T11:37:00.000-07:00

I'm finding that as long as I keep in close connection with the earth, I'll be okay. I'm beginning to see the benefits of this job in an entirely new way. It's been unusually slow to really warm up here and it shows in the business. I've had a guest here and there, but I've had plenty of time to keep playing in the dirt, become acquainted with the most incredible rock that lives in my front yard (which you see to the left), plant flowers and vegetables and generally immerse myelf in earth energy.

I'm thinking of composting. It may be a little adventurous for a complete novice, but I'm just playing anyway. I think that's what we're supposed to do. I like the composting metaphor for life: Rotten, decaying material, given just the right sun and water and oxygen to be transformed into rich, moist fertilizer that renews the earth and her plants. I feel myself composting - allowing nature to alchemize all the negativity and neuroses and okay, if you want, character defects, into the very essence of all life. And all I have to do is allow it - play in a way that nourishes the earth and all her inhabitants. Remember my purpose and stay out of the negative dramas that others are going through as much as possible without totally disengaging. I see my own shadow and she still wants to play, but I find I'm really not interested. It's so bright and beautiful in the light.