Tuesday, October 27, 2009

More from The Sober Kitchen







Awhile back I promised recipes from the fabulous cookbook, The Sober Kitchen by Liz Scott. I've been remiss!! I think this is the first recipe I tried from the cookbook because my then-boyfriend requsted them and he had given me a Kitchen Aid mixer for Christmas. It kind of hurt my feelings that on our first Christmas together he chose a freakin' mixer for a gift, but I have to say that it is well-used and well-loved and I appreciate it a lot. I never liked gingerbread cookies all that much, but these are something different altogether: gingery hot, sweetened with molasses and sugar (I just don't think raw organic sugar used moderately is that big a problem) these cookies changed my mind about ginger cookies forever.

I love cooking and eating as spiritual practice. Sharing well-prepared, healthy food is one of the main ingredients in my recovery program. I have a couple of close friends who I cook with occasionally and there's nothing that can't be resolved with four arms and two female brains having fun in the kitchen.

My dad's heart attack and subsequent by-pass surgery changed the way my family ate. My dad spearheaded the change and while we didn't eat poorly when I was growing up, we didn't necessarily eat that healthily either. During the year following his surgery, my dad lost 65 lbs., changed his entire way of eating and lifestyle, began exercising and has managed to maintain it all for what, 15 years now, dad? 16? Anyway, it was an absolute pleasure to witness this change. Well, that is until he started wearing tight jeans and cowboy boots. Hey, what happened to my dad!

Chewy Double Ginger Molasses Cookies

3/4 cup canola oil

1 cup sugar, plus a bit more for rolling

1 large egg

1/3 cup blackstrap molasses

1 3/4 cup all purpose flour

2 teaspoons baking soda

1 teaspoon ground ginger

1 teaspoon ground cinnamon

1/2 teaspoon salt

1/2 cup finely diced crystallized ginger

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.


In a large mixing bowl, beat together the oil and sugar until well combined. Add the egg and molasses and beat for another 2-3 minutes.

In a medium-size mixing bowl, combine the remaining ingredients, except for the crystallized ginger, and whisk together. Add the dry ingredients to the oil mixture a little at a time, combining well after each addition. Stir in the crystallized ginger.

Form the cookie dough into balls about the size of small whole walnuts and roll in sugar to coat evenly. Place, without flattening, on an ungreased cookie sheet and bake until the cookies have spread out and tops appear crackled (this is just gorgeous!!), 8 to 10 minutes. Remove from the oven (the cookies will still be very soft) and let stand on baking sheet for 2 minutes before transferring to a wire rack or brown paper bag to cool.

Here in the Polson village we have been sharing the best corn muffins. Carrot-ginger corn muffins, cheesy corn muffins, plain corn muffins, honey corn muffins. I know of 5 of us who have whipped up one batch, maybe two, and they've all been so very good. Plain corn muffins are especially good in venison chili, all smushed up, with some jalapenos and sour cream. Oh dear.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

A Little Rumi for the Soul

























Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I'll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase "each other"
doesn't make any sense.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Pain Syndromes - Could This Be Your Cure?


In late 1993 I developed a herniated disc in my neck which caused intense pain and lack of mobility on the left side of my neck and arm. I lived near a chiropractic college at the time and had been obtaining student treatments. I saw two students and one was a serious neck cracker. It freaked me out each time and my intuition was trying to warn me, but I wouldn't listen. So, I ended up with a herniated disc and flat on my back for about six weeks.

During that time, I went to doctors, did physical therapy, traction, cortisone injections, pain medication and muscle relaxers and god only knows what else - ANYTHING ELSE to lessen the pain. I was almost convinced to have surgery when someone recommended a book that might offer some relief. I remember them distinctly saying, "I don't know if you're ready for it, but you may as well give it a try before you have surgery."

I'd like to take this opportunity once again to thank my incredible family for all they did for me during this time. I am not a happy patient.

That book was "Healing Back Pain: The Mindbody Connection" by John E. Sarno, M.D. It took me 2 1/2 days to read the book and when I was finished, I was virtually pain-free. The same information I read in that book has been expanded on in a sequel: "The Mindbody Prescription: Healing the Body, Healing the Pain" and it's working for me again.

I'm not going to describe the treatment; that's what the book is about. But if you suffer from any of the following and have not found effective treatment, what have you got to lose: back pain - lower, middle, upper; shoulder pain, neck pain, fibromyalgia; sciatica; migraine. Basically, any chronic or intermittent body pain that won't respond to conventional treatment and diminishes your quality of life. The only other thing I want to say is that the pain is very real. It is not "all in your head" and Dr. Sarno never implies that it is so don't worry that that's the jist of the book. It's not.


I'd like to call this an AUT, an Apparently Unimportant Therapy. Most people won't give it a chance because they've been convinced by the medical community that something is seriously wrong with their bodies and they need to limit or curtail normal activities. However, if you really do want to get over your pain (this does not apply to physical injuries which of course require the proper medical treatment temporarily), I suggest you give one of Dr. Sarno's books a try. And then let me and Dr. Sarno know if it helped.

One other little factoid. Those muscle relaxers? Activated my addiction again. I was drinking within three months of coming off of them after six years of continuous sobriety.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Apparently Unimportant Events


In my treatment group we're learning to identify Apparently Unimportant Behaviors that might lead to a relapse. Some of the AUB's mentioned included eating unhealthy foods, noticing the liquor store each time it's passed, yelling at a spouse and excessive worry about appearance. These are all behaviors that for the individual exhibiting them may point to a downward spiral toward re-use of the drug of choice.


I came across a post from one of the very excellent bloggers I keep up with that stopped me in my tracks. I think this post describes a collective "AUE" or Apparently Unimportant Event of which we should all be aware.


Many people are experiencing intense awakening processes at this time. Many of these people, like me, do not have a foundational structure underpinning their spirituality, such as AA for alcoholics, church for Protestants and the ashram for Buddhists. I'm not saying that's a bad thing at all; as a matter of fact, I'm fine with it. Awakening is an exciting, frightening experience and attempting to engage the energy without self-destructing is a major challenge. I read a lot and I'm an eager and interested student, but I'm realizing I need to be very careful about what I choose to engage in as I work with this energy.


I'm absolutely sure none of the people who were participating in this ceremony - including the facilitator, intended for this horrible event to take place, but it did. And it probably won't be noticed much because that's what Apparently Unimportant Events do best - go undetected. Until it's too late. I myself am proceeding with much more caution and respect for the powerful forces which are at work here.


Saturday, October 17, 2009

New Moon Intentions



Lately I'm very overwhelmed with life but not at all the way I was overwhelmed last February, when I visited a local psychiatric ward under guise of detox. I'm overwhelmed with gratitude that the Universe spit me out of Lakeside and right back to Polson. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. And absolutely do not get out of jail free card. It's like awakening within a dream; realizing that what I've always needed was right here within me, if only I would allow it. Challenges have made me stronger and the patterns in my life are repeating much more quickly. They demand to be dealt with and dealing with them consciously is no small task!

So when I get in a hurry and want to rush out and save the world by tomorrow, my body goes "Hey!! Slow down!! Allow. Rest. Love." And my community? Oh, forgetaboutit. From Montana to Georgia and back again; I feel it from all corners.

Just to help me keep track, these are the things I'm interested in assisting to manifest:

  • A garden of my own and participation with a community garden with the intention to assist the earth back to health even as I continue to seek my own healing.


  • Roberta has some exciting ideas which may develop into a wonderful project.


  • Continue networking and developing relationships through writer's group, book club, Treasure State Mercantile, the Health Food Store, CD treatment and Circles of Trust (which I will write more about later) and all the places and people that haven't been discovered yet.


  • Continue to improve my health.


  • Continue to nurture my connection to Source.

And about that pain I was mentioning: much of it has simply disappeared and my next post will explain why.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Why Do We Drink?


We drink because we're alcoholic is a pretty obvious answer, but does it really go far enough? I think especially for those of us who are able to put together some sober time but have a problem with intermittent relapse, it's important to figure out exactly what leads us to drink. In the past 7 years there are three main reasons I have chosen to drink: physical pain, anxiety (emotional pain), and interpersonal relationships that for whatever reason don't work (again, emotional pain). It is actually these things that I've been in denial about for so long, not my alcoholism. I'm pretty convinced on that score.


Since I've been in treatment my anxiety has all but disappeared. It's easy enough for me to see how drinking only made my anxiety worse and that when not drinking much of it goes away of its own accord. However, those other two reasons I mentioned - physical pain and interpersonal relationships, can cause the anxiety to resurface. Thanks to the excellent professional help I'm receiving, I'm able to take appropriate action on the interpersonal relationships, but the physical pain is another story.
Back in June I developed a cyst on my knee from ACL surgery a year and a half ago, and since then I've been in and out of varioius levels of physical pain. I have an old injury to the hip on the same side, a slight scoliosis in my back and have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia. I've been steadily seeking assistance with the pain, but unfortunately some things I've done (chiropractic) have actually made it worse and even created new pain.

Along with all the usual methods: heat/cold, massage, topical anesthetics and anti-inflammatory medication, I'm also using acupuncture, visualization and meditation to help me deal with it. But the truth is I'm in a lot of pain and it's beginning to wear me down. The main thing I've been trying to avoid is going into a lot of fear about the pain, about what "could" be wrong. It's a challenge and I think there are a couple of things going on. One is the injuries and age of my body and the other is, I believe, kundalini.
I'm amazingly fortunate to have a good team of helpers, from my counselors to my massage therapist and acupuncturist, both who are working with me financially, otherwise I wouldn't be able to afford the treatments. Also, Roberta has an infrared sauna that I've been making good use of. I believe what's happening is that as I continue to wake up (I'm not sure how else to put it), I'm letting go of many negative thought patterns, beliefs and behaviors and as these things leave the body they give it a kind of charge. Or maybe they get stuck for a few days before moving on out. The other night I had so much energy in my hips I paced the floor for two hours in the early dawn because they literally would not be still. I believe this is the lower chakras releasing, opening up and coming into the proper vibration.

What I'm realizing is that everything in our lives is an invitation to awaken. We can look at it in this VERY BIG WAY or we can stay stuck in the denseness of 3-D reality and become very unhappy indeed. I should know. I was stuck there for a long ass time.
Working on the mental aspects of my health is as important as working on the physical aspects and in my experience separating one from the other will only constitute partial healing. And I'll tell you, it's time-consuming and exhausting to delve deeply into spirit, but an inner life has opened to me that I had no idea existed. I feel intense deep feelings of love permeate me and everything around me and I know that this is really what heals. I finally understand what my friend, Claudia, was going on about all that time. This is what's supposed to happen by working the 12 steps and I can understand why people are so attached to it when it does. My senses seem hyper-alert and everything is so beautiful I can hardly stand it. And then it goes away for awhile and I begin to doubt it at all. And then it comes back. And when it goes away again I doubt it less.

Friday, October 9, 2009

First Snow



This Unfolding

A poem by Dorothy Walters

I am thinking how it
will all go down with
you.
All the agonies, griefs,
the tears you fed
your sorrows,
the nights of love
that lasted
until morning,
the prize you almost
held in your hand
that went to someone else,
the guilt
you never told,
the moments on
the mountain tops
where the brightness
transfigured
the trees,
the cold brush
of the river
against your
body
that fall
when you took
the dare.

Everything
will accompany
where you are going,
until it dissolves
like fog
lacing
the heaving shore,
evaporates
like dew
melting
beneath
morning sun.

And you too will
turn
into whatever is
not,
a nothingness
that doesn't remember
what it was
that brought it
so much joy
so much pain.

Yet sometimes you will catch
faint glimpses
of that
which used to be
and stare
in wonder
at so much felicity
from so little,
so much suffering
from almost nothing
at all.

And you will ponder
the meaning
of this lost unfolding
even as you prepare
to descend
once more.




Friday, October 2, 2009

Radical Acceptance

I haven't written much yet about my treatment experience, the main reason being that I was afraid it might not be worth sharing, but it is. I went to this same treatment facility several years ago and had a much different experience. The counselor I was assigned subscribed to the "beat 'em down" philosophy and thought I was just acting way too big for my britches by not submitting to the 12 steps, or to his suggestions as to what I should do, or to his authority as a sober person with THE ANSWER. What no one seems to hear me say is that I did submit to the 12 steps. I did it thoroughly and honestly for six years. Certain aspects of my AA experience kept me sober for six years which is most absolutely nothing to sneeze at. And certain aspects of my AA experience worsened my mental and emotional state, even while abstaining from alcohol. As anyone in AA will tell you, alcohol is not the problem and about that I think they're absolutely right. But I think we should not forget that alcohol is a goodly portion of it.

To my extreme amazement and delight, the focus is now towards a treatment methodolgy called Dialectical Behavior Therapy. I'm still learning about it as it's being taught in the treatment center, but the most interesting thing is that they're teaching us skills I've used in the past that have helped me tremendously in my recovery efforts. Mindfulness, meditation, emotion identification and regulation, distress tolerance (which reminds me of Scott Peck's delay of gratification) and radical acceptance. While I had continued with meditation, mindfulness and other practices I found helpful, I was not practicing radical acceptance and it seems like that was a key for me.

So what is radical acceptance? It's acknowledging one's present situation without judgement or criticism of self - seeing the situation as it really is, acknowledging all the feelings around it, whether they're socially acceptable or not (they probably won't be) and just not attemtping to change anything about it. Just be with it as it is.

That's all good and fine but I'm not sure I would've been able to get there if it weren't for my counselor. For the first time in 15 years I sat across from someone whom I felt really heard what I was saying and didn't automatically assume something about me just because I was still struggling with alcoholism. I am beginning to realize that a lot of the assumptions I felt may have been in my own mind - that's called projection and it's a pretty common psychological maneuver. But she managed to validate my experience and my feelings and it seems that has opened the door to a deep healing process in my life. The mental health counselor I have been seeing since January has also been doing the same thing - nurturing those aspects in me that encourage me to boldly participate in this game of life, despite the fear, despite the anger, despite anything that might attempt to block me.

Both of these women are doing very good work here on this indian reservation in the middle of nowhere and while they've got a big pool to draw from, I don't think they see many people who are sincerely seeking big change. The addictions counselor is working with two other women in my group, both over five years' sober, who have been badly abused in one way or another. Her approach with them, and me, is the same one Marty Nicolaus describes in his book, Empowering the Sober Self: build up the sober self. Focus on the positive aspects of the personality, the desire to live a better life and the innate spiritual strengths of the individual. Be truly open-minded. DO NOT ASSUME THAT YOU KNOW HOW THIS PERSON SHOULD FIND RECOVERY. Create fertile ground for their own finding of that path no matter how twisted it may look at the time.

This is really good stuff.