Sunday, May 25, 2008

Pondering


I've been watching Oprah's series with Eckhart Tolle on his book, A New Earth. In one of the segments, a woman skypes in and talks about an illness that has overtaken her life, that has defined it to a point that she no longer wishes to live. She asks how to move away from being her illness. Eckhart's response to her is to stop feeding the energy (my words), not talk about the illness except with her doctors and begin to place more attention on all the areas in which she has well-being in her life.

In a way, that's what I've been doing with this blog and my own definition of myself as "alcoholic." But I'm realizing that even when I'm sober, I'm still feeding that energy - that very energy that I no longer wish to live.

In the book, Addiction and Grace, Gerald G. May describes addiction thusly:

Addiction exists wherever persons are internally compelled to give energy to things that are not their true desires. To define it directly, addiction is a state of compulsion, obsession or preoccupation that enslaves a person's will and desire. Addiction sidetracks and eclipses the energy of our deepest, truest desire for love and goodness. We succumb because the energy of our desire becomes attached, nailed, to specific behaviors, objects or people. Attachment, then, is the process that enslaves desire and creates the state of addiction.

Further,

Addiction attacks every part of what Freud called our "mental apparatus." Subjectively, however, the attacks seem focused on two primary areas: the will, which is our capacity to choose and direct our behavior, and self-esteem, which is the respect and value with which we view ourselves. Addiction splits the will in two, one part desiring freedom and the other only desiring to continue the addictive behavior. This internal inconsistency begins to erode self-esteem. How much can I respect myself if I do not even know what I really want?

The greatest damage to self-esteem, however, comes from repeated failures at trying to change the addictive behavior. Even if I do feel clear about what I really want, I cannot make myself behave accordingly. I seem to be honestly out of control; yet in all truth, I have only myself to blame. This failure can decimate my self-respect. In some other culture, in a society that reveres the mystery of human nature more than ours does, such failure at self-mastery might not be so devastating. They might even be seen as affirmations of one's essential connectedness with the rest of creation and of one's essential dependency upon the Creator. But in modern Western society, we have come to see ourselves as objects of our own creation. When we fail at managing ourselves, we feel defective.

As usual, I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this, but I think some important things are coming to my attention. Things I wish to share. There was a time when alcohol and drugs were my primary addictions. The substance that I'm currently physically addicted to, that I can hardly even consider giving up, is nicotine. Caffeine, preferably in the form of really good coffee, is a distant second. Among the non-physical addictions I've become aware of are attention and acceptance from certain people, struggle, seeking, and self-improvement. By focusing on my past problems with alcohol and drugs, I conveniently provide a way to avoid dealing with these other addictions, which in actual fact, cause me more trouble in the present.

I wish I could say I am now ready to tackle them all, but if there's one thing I've come to realize, it's the futility of approaching an addiction in that way. So I will state my awareness of them here and my slight willingness to begin opening myself to the possibility of grace in all areas of my life. I think one way to do this is to use Eckhart's advice and to slowly begin to not feed the energy of my addictions.

What do you think?

Friday, May 23, 2008

A Quick Hello from Big Sky Country


One massage and one acupuncture session have gone a long way towards decreasing my pain and getting me moving again. Pretty amazing things, these "alternative" therapies that have really been around for thousands of years.


I'm in a place in my life where I'm finding over and over again that doors close for a reason. I attribute this to paying at least a little bit of attention to what's going on around me. I was pretty angry at my knee doctors, but I realize now that if they'd renewed my prescription for pain meds, I would've taken the easy way and probably actually gotten worse as I wouldn't have been treating the core condition (which I am convinced is just as I thought - an unbalanced body structure due to recovery from knee surgery). As it turned out, I was forced to do the things that will make a real difference to my healing, and they're working.


Now, if I could just get to the point where I make these decisions on my own, before I'm forced to, well, that will be a good thing, won't it?


I've been working six days a week for the past three weeks and I'm realizing that it's just too much. I should be able to start taking Monday's off in a few weeks and am so absolutely excited about having two days off this long weekend. The cowboy and I were going to go kayaking, but it looks like the weather isn't going to cooperate and it's probably for the best. I need some time to putter, to play in the dirt and maybe mop the floors and read and possibly catch a movie and catch up with my friends and family and definitely cook and just stop to rest and breathe when I need to.

I appreciate the comments and suggestions I received after my last post. I also hope, this weekend, to have time to catch up with some of my favorite bloggers. What fun things do you have planned for the weekend?

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Knee Update

I haven't really wanted to post about this because, well, because I kept hoping it would improve or go away entirely, but it hasn't. Three weeks ago, my first day working at the florist and on my feet for five hours, I was in extreme pain when I left. Not my knee necessarily, both legs and feet hurt and my hips were bothering me as well. I thought I just overdid it that day and slowed down my exercises and walking because that's what the knee doc has told me to do in the past when the pain flared back up to that extent. I still had a few pain pills left and was able to take them in halves along with ibruprofen and ease the pain enough to at least sleep. I took the last pain pill last week and since then I haven't slept a night through. I toss and turn and writhe around trying to find a comfortable position - my legs, knees and hips ache horribly and ibuprofen doesn't touch it.

So I made another appointment at the Bone & Joint clinic. The surgeon wasn't available so I saw a PA that assisted with the surgery and that I had seen before. In the past, he was understanding and responsive, but yesterday was a different story. I explained to him what I had been experiencing, and my theory that my body has gotten way out of balance due to the surgery and isn't able to right itself. I have an old injury in my left hip from a car accident that's caused me a little arthiritis trouble in the past and I think with the knee surgery in the left leg also, it's just gotten everything inflamed. "No way, he said. Your knee surgery would not be causing this kind of pain. You need to go get checked for lupus or rhuematoid arthiritis." Does this seem as ludicrous to me as it does to you? He gave me a prescripton for Tramadol, acetameniphine with a non-narcotic pain killer. So far, it hasn't helped and they're unwilling to prescibe more Percocet which did at least help. Two things about this scenario really make me angry. One is that their attitude seems to be one of "we're done with you." Two is that they're unwilling to prescribe a medication that would help. I realize they have to be careful with folks on narcotic medication, but I had the last prescription of 30 for two months. Does that sound like I'm addicted?

I fully realize that pain medicaiton is not the answer, but until I find a better answer, it sure would be nice to get a little relief and some decent sleep. I start getting crazy when I'm sleep-deprived (as I'm sure everyone does) and it's starting to set in. I wonder how much the long hours on my feet may have to do with this - even though right now it's only once a week. Here's my current plan: I'm going to resume my massages and continue with the medication they gave me plus ibuprofen (this is fine, I asked). It really hurts to walk, but I think I must try and keep up some exercise so I'm going to try and walk at least 30 minutes a day. I may go ahead and make an appt. with my primary doc, but I'm conflicted about this due to my financial situation and the fact that I have a preconceived notion they'll want to do lots of unnecessary tests that won't make a damned bit of difference in the long run. I'm 99.9% sure I do not have lupus or rheumatoid arthiritis and I think it was pretty unethical of the guy to even mention such things when he really doesn't have a clue.

I'm mainly posting this here in case anyone out there may have some additional suggestions. Pain takes over everything when you're in it.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Remembrances and Realities


This photo is looking out from the hotel room the cowboy and I stayed in on the 3rd night of our trip. We were in a place called Gold Beach, Oregon. What a sunset, huh? The little hotel we found on the beach had the sweetest room with really nice classy furnishings and a cozy gas woodstove in the corner. Very romantic. We had a dinner of fruit, cheese and wine on the balcony while watching that ethereal sunset. I wish I knew the name of the place so I could link to it, but I didn't write it down and it's gone from the brain bank!


I've been back from the trip for almost three weeks. When I left I had few prospects for employment beyond the 3-4 hours a day I had been working for Search Widens, the wholesale jewelry business my friend Roberta owns. While I was away, her other part-time worker had to stop working due to pregnancy complications (she and the baby are fine now!) so I was able to move into an almost full-time position there. I had also spoken with a local florist looking for a part-time designer and began work there on Saturdays two weeks ago.


I'm making very good money for part-time work at both places, but it's still considerably less than I was making with the job I was laid off from. Some economic realities are setting in and I'm forced to make difficult decisions about where to spend money. I can't get out of the grocery store for under $25 just picking up things like eggs and bread! I've given up some luxuries I had become accustomed to, like my monthly massage and locally-farmed organic veggies that arrive once a week from now through September. I am very carefully not judging these decisions as good or bad, or more precisely, as a reflection of scarcity or abundance, and a funny thing is happening. For each thing I seemingly give up, I have an experience of recieving something else.


Both of my part-time jobs are within walking distance. There are many days that I don't even crank my car! Not only does this save me considerable money while gas prices are so ridiculously high, but it gives me the satisfaction of knowing I'm contributing that much less to global warming. Roberta is going on a 10-day canoe trip and she's graciously donated her organic veggies to me while she's away. My surgery bills are coming in and when I called to make payment arrangements I was informed that I could submit a charity application to take care of up to 80% of the final costs since my situation has changed so drastically since I had surgery. My parents are very generously helping out as they are able - and even President Bush pitched in with his economic relief payment which will cover a full month's rent and a few trips to the grocery store!


I'm still on the lookout for a full-time job with benefits, but I'm becoming more aware each day of how money is really just an energy exchange. I really enjoy both of my jobs and it's depressing to think of going back to work in an office 40 hours a week and probably for some petty tyrant. I think I have two of the best employers in the area and each job provides me the opportunity to practice different skills in a positive, supportive environment. That ain't nothing, folks. So while my left brain goes on about the need for benefits, health insurance, retirement, etc., I've begun to pay much more attention to my heart. Do I enjoy the work? Am I in the midst of positive, healthy people? Do I trust enough to follow the feeling of good energy and know it will lead not only to the fulfillment of my needs, but to true abundance? How important is $3-4 extra dollars an hour if it's paid for with added stress and depression? I don't want it to sound like I think medical insurance and retirement benefits aren't desirable, but I also wonder in this crazy world that we inhabit just how much those things can be relied upon anyway.


What do you think?

Friday, May 9, 2008

Addiction and Grace

I have recently read the book, "Addiction and Grace" by Gerald G. May, M.D. and was so touched by the ideas presented in the book that I'm re-reading it. What surprises me is that many of the ideas Dr. May represents are parallel to the ideas presented in the 12-step model, which you know I have little use for. But for some reason the way Dr. May presents them makes them more palatable to me and I find myself nodding in affirmation, feeling the words and ideas as a truth my cells know something about. This is how the book begins:

1. Desire: Addiction and Human Freedom

After twenty years of listening to the yearnings of people's hearts, I am convinced that all human beings have an inborn desire for God. Whether we are consciously religious or not, this desire is our deepest longing and our most precious treasure. It gives us meaning. Some of us have repressed this desire, burying it beneath so many other interests that we are completely unaware of it. Or we may experience it in different ways - as a longing for wholeness, completion of fulfillment. Regardless of how we describe it, it is a longing for love. It is a hunger to love, to be loved, and to move closer to the Source of love. This yearning is the essence of the human spirit; it is the origin of our highest hopes and most noble dreams.

From the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous:

Chapter 4 - We Agnostics

Actually we were fooling ourselves, for deep down in every man, woman, and child is the fundamental idea of God. It may be obscured by calamity, by pomp, by worship of other things, but in some form or other it is there. For faith in a power greater than ourselves, and miraculous demonstrations of that power in human lives, are facts as old as man himself. We finally saw that faith in some kind of God was a part of our make-up, just as much as the feeling we have for a friend. Sometimes we had to search fearlessly, but He was there. He was as much a fact as we were. We found the Great Reality deep down within us. In the last analysis it is only there that He may be found. It was so with us.

I wonder a lot about this idea - that a desire for god is part of our DNA as human beings. What I've stopped wondering about lately is whether it's a part of mine - it surely seems to be. This is where all my images and representations and constructs become confusing, where religious education proves futile. It is not a longing I can attach to anything, it just is - a longing for something that defies definition, a longing that has always been with me, that is much more a part of me than my eyes or the color of my hair, or even the breath of spirit that gives me life in the present moment. It is a longing that I have finally decided to honor.

I also wonder, do you feel this longing?


Monday, May 5, 2008

Do No Harm Week

If you hurt another person, you hurt yourself. The act of inflicting injury distorts you, making it more difficult for you to be in alignment with your highest potential. The converse is also true. When you hurt yourself, you inevitably hurt others. The damage you cause to yourself diminishes your ability to give your best gifts. Keep this in mind, Scorpio, as you celebrate Do No Harm Week. Be scrupulous in your intention to practice non-violence in every way you can imagine.

The above is my horoscope from one of my favorite astrologers, Rob Bresny of Free Will Astrology. He posts free weekly horoscopes on Wednesdays each week. Occasionally, a horoscope will hit me right between the eyes and this is one of them because I had already come to the same conclusion for myself last week before reading this. It's one of the reasons I decided to go abstinent again. No one is saying to me, "Angela, your drinking is hurting me." although I'm sure there have been many times in the past when it has caused other people pain. What has come clear to me is that if I'm inflicting harm on myself, which I had begun to do again with alcohol, then I am inflicting harm on ALL OF US. And that's just not acceptable to me anymore. I'm interested in what my fellow bloggers think of this. Do you feel a responsibility to the human family? Do you feel that some behaviors are acceptable, if they only harm you? Or, like me, have you reached a realization that there is no harming a part without harming the whole?



Saturday, May 3, 2008

The Drinking Experiment or Back to the Subject at Hand

The time has come for me to admit that my drinking experiment is not working and to practice abstinence. I haven't hit a bottom or gotten in trouble with the law or reached a physical dependence on alcohol. But the encouragement I felt a few months back has been replaced by a growing sense of once again being caught in the throes of an addiction that at the very least is not good for me physically, mentally or spiritually. That seems like a good place to stop, doesn't it?

I'm not setting myself a goal of a certain amount of time abstinent nor am I saying I'm quitting forever. I'm stopping now because it's not working for me and because I feel the presence of a grace working with me that will make it possible for me to stop successfully at this time.

My goal with this experiment was to learn to drink moderately and if you wanted to call the experiment a failure because that hasn't happened, you surely can. I envision moderation as being truly able to take it or leave it and not having to work at moderation by counting drinks or inflicting rules on oneself, which never seem to work with an addiction. I know people who have been truly healed who are able to drink moderately - they all have a couple of things in common that I've noticed. One - their goal was not to learn to drink moderately at the time. Two - they practiced a long period of abstinence in which they focused solely on their psychological and spiritual growth and the healing of their addiction was a by-product of that work.

It's been hard to reach this decision because the addiction has not reached the depths of self-destruction that it has in the past and many times I was able to moderate. But moderating has become increasingly difficult and lately, more often than not, I just can't keep it to a minimum. Once I introduce the substance into my system, I lose the ability to have any control over it. In 12-step groups they call that powerlessness with the flip side of the coin being that surrender to that powerlessness is the way to empowerment. That's where I am. I do not have the power with my unaided will to control my drinking. I have no intention at this time to attend 12-step meetings. I will seek my support through friends, family, the internet, but mostly from the grace that I feel infusing this decision.

I'm glad I tried. I gained a lot from the experiment even though I'm abandoning it. But for now I really have just become a better-adjusted alcoholic. That wasn't the goal. It's Day 1.

Friday, May 2, 2008

Day 3 - The Bachelor Follies

So it's Day 3 and the cowboy and I are driving south towards Portland before we head over to the Oregon Coast. We're just riding along and suddenly, out of the blue, he asks me, "If you had a jar of peanut butter that was dry and you wanted to soften it, how would you do it?" I looked at him and paused, not sure I really understood the question. I thought he must've been asking how to get the jar clean of the dried peanut butter but something told me that wasn't the real question. So instead of saying I would soak the damned thing in soap and water, I asked, "What do you mean?" He said, "You know, reconstitute it? I've heard you can put a little olive oil in it, and then it's a real workout, but if you stir it long enough it will be good as new." It was at this moment that I realized how deeply ingrained this man's bachelorhood is and it was also at this moment that I began to laugh, and laugh, and laugh. The cowboy kept giving me these puzzled looks and asking me what the hell was so funny and every time I attempted to explain it, the giggles overtook me again and I just couldn't get the words out. Finally I managed to tell him that I would toss the peanut butter, as in throw it away, at which point his puzzlement seemed to reach astronomical proportions. "But why would you waste a perfectly good jar of peanut butter?" he oh so innocently asked. This only served to bring on more fits of laughter. I could tell he was getting more than a little irritated with me by now, but I tell you, I could not stop laughing! I finally stopped long enough to tell him that in my world, if a jar of peanut butter is that dried up, IT IS NO LONGER A PERFECTLY GOOD JAR OF PEANUT BUTTER! Then, he got it and started laughing which just started me laughing all over again.

It must've been about this time that the city of Portland came into view. It was an incredibly beautiful sight with all the lights and colors reflecting on the water. It was one of those magical moments that just make you go silent. This was a good thing because my stomach hurt for two days from all the laughing I'd already done. I didn't have my camera ready and could've never done the beauty justice anyway so I pulled the above photo off the web. We continued south for another hour before stopping for the night - laughing and giggles abated.